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  1.  (10645.1)
    @Rachael: Fuckers.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012
    @Rachael: Bastards. It's probably a good job I'm not in New York now, as I would go there and do something really stupid.

    I can only imagine how you feel. I hope your OK.
  2.  (10645.3)

    As I said in FB, what the fucking shitting fucking hell. Saying "that sucks" is the understatement of the millennium.
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012 edited
    I think this falls under the heading of "needing a hug" or something... I'm in my favorite place in the world, at the cabin. It's sunny, the sauna is getting warm, I have charr in the smoking box and the nature and the lake around me are so beautiful you could cry. This is also my last day here ever, at least alone. The breakup means that I won't be coming back here, and frankly the thought is sort of devastating.

    It's amusing how attached you can become to a location. A couple of years ago I realized that for the third of my life this place has been the only constant for me - apartments, houses, people and everything else changes. I lead a kind of life where things are quite transient, I don't have a close family and generally I mostly drift through or skim over things. Throughout that I've known that no matter how bad the shit gets, I've been always able to come here, bathe and sweat out the demons in the Friday night, sleep well, spend the Saturday skiing, fixing something, picking up the scythe and going all grim reaper on the weeds, chopping and sawing firewood and huffing out the anger and the frustration, and come Sunday, I'm all happy and purged and ready to face the world again.

    So, off to stack some firewood I'm never going to burn, eat the fish, sauna and see if the lake is warm enough for the pansy ass me, and then it's the time to sever the taproot. I wonder where I'll put down the next one.
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012
    @Rachael: Is there an appeal process or something?
  3.  (10645.6)
    @Vorn - That's frustrating. Leading a very transient life myself, I understand how important a constant can become. I get attached to places all the time, and the peripheral humans that hardly matter. From very neihborhood I've lived in, I miss the hoods on the street corner and the men at the bodegas and hope they are ok - those people who I hardly knew, but would share a moment with every day. But the solitude of nature, too?! That's a total double whammy of comfort withdrawal.

    @Fauxhammer - yeah, I've emailed and questioned their decision, mentioning that when I'd sent my things in four years ago they said I was a candidate, and wondering if I could ask to be reassessed. The problem is, they really are THE world renowned specialists in treating and DIAGNOSING this disorder, so... if I was that dead set on accepting them to treat me, I have to accept their decision if I am not a candidate. I might just have cervical/spinal instability, which could cause the same neurological and intracranial pressure issues, possibly. Maybe.

    Today's happy thing was looking and finally finding a "real Dr. House." I read this article in Discover Magazine, and it seems that the fellow in question has a practice in New York City, and specializes in solving Medical Mystery. Of couse, he doesn't take any insurance, not even Medicare, so I'm going to have to wait some time before I can save up the money to see him, but at least that's maybe kinda hopeful?

    Also, today's happy thing was appreciating the camaraderie of this place. Thanks, guys!
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012
    @Rachael: Attagirl--chin up!

    On the homefront: let's talk about house cleaning on Concerta.

    Cleaning house on Concerta is better than sex. THAT'S RIGHT.
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012
    @Rachael Have you any idea how much a consultation costs? I couldn't find anything about costs on his site.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012
    @Rachael - shit, I'm so sorry. From everything I've heard about your medical problems, I can't fathom how they would have decided that you a visit would not be of benefit to you. Lots and lots of hugs from me.
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012 edited
    @Rachael: I'm super bummed that you're not getting help from the Chiari Institute, but delighted you've found out about a (significantly kinder) Dr. House. I hope you'll come up with the money soon.

    @Vornaskotti: Sorry to hear you won't be able to visit the cabin again. I'm oh so familiar with how special places can be, and how hard it can be to lose them. Maybe someday down the road you can find a new cabin as a weekend comfort?

    Edit: Actually, I have some good things going on. My uncle (the fun one) is visiting for my dad's birthday. My mom has been planning a family reunion and at the last one we hosted (two years ago), we had some lasagnas made by one of my bosses (the father), which were amazing, but expensive (rightfully so), so we thought we weren't going to afford them this year. Well, my mom was just talking to one of the relatives who liked them so much that she offered to pay for them herself. I get to tell my boss (the daughter) tomorrow that we're going to order the same lasagnas for this year's reunion. I'm looking forward to seeing how delighted she'll be.
  4.  (10645.11)
    @Vorn - I totally get that attachment. My parents had a large static caravan in Cornwall for years, and that was my bolthole from stress and work. I'd make the three hour run down there often in a real state, driving like a lunatic, thinking that a host of devils was at my heels, and then I'd cross the Tamar Bridge and all of a sudden everything would fall away. The place was a refuge, and I loved it totally. They had to give it up in 2006, the site owner wanted newer vans there and they couldn't afford a new one. Was desperately sad to see it go. I hope you find something else that gives you that anchoring.

    Am seeing the last of the sun off on the patio, burning my new earphones in with PJ Harvey (who I've decided I want to marry), drinking cider and trying to calm down and figure out what the hell it is I'm trying to do with myself. I swam in the sea yesterday, did loads in the garden, but I've been inexplicably in a foul mood today. But I've just gone back in the house to give my partner a hug, I feel really irritated with her a lot of the time at the moment and I don't think it's really her fault. And I want to fight the tyranny of the clock that makes me go to bed at 10pm, totally against what my body wants to do. So dammit, here's to saying fuck the clock.

    And the other thing of interest - a tantalising possibility - my parents in law have a beautiful 33ft yacht, currently stored in Fareham. They can't sail it anymore, and it needs a fair bit of work to get seaworthy again - painting, and engine renovation. They can't seem to sell it either, so they're suggesting that a few people get together and do it up and use it, obviously for a contribution to upkeep etc. I love boats, I've always wanted to learn to sail but haven't a clue how, so I'm really, really tempted. One of their friends is a retired sea captain, so their might be a possibility of learning. Ho hum...
    • CommentAuthor256
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012 edited
    @Vorn - the other way of looking at it would be that everything ends, and that there's a last time you'll visit anywhere. At least, in this case, you had the grace of enjoying every time you visited the place and knowing to recognize and celebrate the last time you had in that particular place. It's a cold comfort, but it is at least a noble emotion.

    I am reminded of:
    There is a line of Verlaine I shall not recall again,
    There is a nearby street forbidden to my step,
    There is a mirror that has seen me for the last time,
    There is a door I have shut until the end of the world.
    Among the books in my library (I have them before me)
    There are some I shall never reopen.
    This summer I complete my fiftieth year:
    Death reduces me incessantly.
    -- Jorge Luis Borges.

    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2012 edited
    I got to a early morning meet I've not been to for ages in Earls Court, and saw some folk I've not seen for a long time, including my mate from Philadelphia. They all seemed happy to see me, and totally understood when I told them about when my mind and body was on autopilot when I relapsed on Monday. My mate told me about having a gun held to his head years ago, which reminded me about when some nutter had a sawn-off pointed at me and a dead friend years ago. Anyway, my American buddy is twenty-years-clean, and a good man.

    I then walked to Kensington Gardens, which brought back some memories, as I was a gardener there. I used to go into the secure, private area, and was always seeing Prince Charles and Diana. I then walked the length of Hyde Park with my shoes off, which felt like good physiotherapy for my numb legs and feet. I saw one of my heroes from a old punk band.

    By the time I got to Portobello Rd I was fucked, and I had to get the Tube to Shepherd's Bush. I didn't really want to go back, as it's a shit-hole. A few months ago a cop stopped me to search for drugs. When I asked him if he didn't have anything better to do, he said something like, "Mate, this is Shepherd's Bush. It's just the way it is." It felt like the end of Polanski's Chinatown, for fuck's sake!

    All very weird, as my dad used to be crime-scene photographer cop.

    NA London is a strange entity. The amount of famous people I keep seeing and interacting with is getting weird. I'd love to tell you who some of them are, but that would be breaking the anonymity thing.

    Today I need to make some calls about getting into that hospital ward I mentioned. Christ, it sounds strict: I'll have to hand in my tobacco on admission, which is a utter bitch, as I LOVE TO FUCKING SMOKE!

    I hope you lot are OK.

    Laters! :)
  5.  (10645.14)
    @flecky, you sound hopeful, and that's lovely to read.
  6.  (10645.15)
    So after years of wage slavery, I got a promotion at my newest job (It's one of the big three tech companies). I've cleared the $20 an hour mark for the first time in my life, and I get to work from home too! Life is good.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2012
    Phew...I've managed to get out of doing jury service today. Mind you, with my high-standing position in society, it wasn't exactly hard. I'm purging my gaff of anything that reminds me of my past. I'm having to be quite ruthless. By the time I'm finished I'll probably just have a toilet and a loincloth...

    Just this second got a call back about assessment for rehab: got a appointment tomorrow. That's good, in a perverse sort of way.
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2012
    To all who are having a shit time of it, my sympathies as ever.
    Some good things from my life:
    It's six years today since I arrived in Amsterdam, with little more than the clothes I stood up in.
    It's the longest I have ever lived anywhere since the first six years of my life and I find myself hoping that I'll be able to spend six more years here, especially on a day like today when the sun is shining on the city and I'm reminded how relentlessly picturesque this place is.
    Other nice things, the band I was driving on the tour that brought me here back then, Oi Polloi, were back in town last week and it was lovely to catch up with them again although there was a bizzarre incident with a Polish squatter convinced(wrongly,honest!) that I was a man who had burned down his squat several years ago!
    I was also recieved a copy of the tour documentary, part of which was filmed on the tour I drove and my hairy belly has made it to the cover!

    It wasn't entirely cringe inducing, just the bits I appear in!
  7.  (10645.18)
    @agentarsenic: Holy Shit! $20/hr? Congrats. I thought I was being paid super fancy when I got $9.50ish for being a weekend concierge, mind.
  8.  (10645.19)
    @ Slick - I've no idea how much it is. In one of the articles I read about him (perhaps it was the Discover one?) it was mentioned somewhere that he charges around $300 for an hour consultation, but that was written about 6 years ago. I've no idea how much it'd be now. :/

    GOODNESS: I was invited to a party! By someone I hardly know, but lives a block away! And I went! By myself! I was really really late, but I brought food stuff and I hung out on a roof, and we threw water balloons off the roof for no reason! Also, I retrieved my AC from next door and installed it and now I am not feeling like I am going to die from the heat! YAY!
    • CommentTimeMay 29th 2012
    Found out yesterday I had a day to prepare an open class. Naturally, I hate anything like that and having only one day to prepare should have spun me out. But oddly enough, it didn't! It felt like a challenge rather than a shit-inducing catastrophe.

    I did feel a little ropey before the class this morning, so I wrote some thoughts down in order to try and understand why I was feeling nervous. It sort of helped. The class went alright, and no one died!

    It's a small feat, but I really noticed a change in being able to cope. Sometimes teaching normal classes make me nervous, so I feel really happy that I didn't explode.