Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T04:13:55-07:00

The Rules:

The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

Begin.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T08:02:52-07:00

1 The Boo - Work/life has been busy, so much so I haven't been visiting whitechapel much at all. Had a review last week where basically my negative reaction to some bad situations I've had to deal with was the focus. Can't say they were wrong, but I was disheartened to see both my attempts over the last 4 months to be a more positive employee aren't working AND the bad situations I was reacting to weren't dealt with what so ever.

2. the Huzzah. I made a video for the sole reason of reteaching myself editing software I haven't used in 10 years. Video turned out so well, it was posted online and the reference to Kevin Pollak lead him to retweet it AND then Johnathan Katz favorited it. I'm big fans for both those men, so that has really made my day! (also, making the video seems to have started a flurry of video production at work I am unofficially in charge of...so that is pretty cool)

3. The Applause - All of whitechapel! seriously, this is a great group of people, and I'm much happier when I am checking on a regular basis (even if I don't post too much)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T10:41:57-07:00

Nice to see you around, Peter.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T11:41:23-07:00

1) The Boo. I have to break years of sedentary fuckwankery due to my new job. Now I have to cycle 8-10 miles per day and I'm currently on day two. This will take a lot of adjustment. My legs don't work properly. And on my way to/from work I see other cyclist just whizz past and I burn the fieriest hate into the backs of their heads and just want to scream WHY CAN'T I GO THAT FAST, TEACH ME THE WAYS OF THE CYCLIST, DO YOU HAVE GODS THAT YOU PRAY TO THAT IN TURN GRANT YOU SUCH AWESOME POWERS, SERIOUSLY YOU BASTARDS WHY AM I STRUGGLING SO BADLY AND YOU ARE A PERFECT UNION BETWEEN MAN AND MACHINE I HATE YOU

2) The Huzzah. WHOOOO NEW JOB.

3) The Applause. Kudos on the kudos from Pollak and Katz. Hell, kudos all round!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T12:10:51-07:00

Not so good stuff: Fiance just got back from the Doc w/ Lupus-like (but not necessarily lupus) symptoms, so she's in full panic mode. She talked to her sponsor, who at one point was diagnosed with lupus, only to later find out it's cancer, so that helped. She's working until tonight, and I can't exactly call her from my job, so we won't be able to talk through anything other than e-mail until like after 9pm, which is awesome. And she's still pissed at me that we're not having enough sex, mostly because I don't respond to being told she needs sex, now! I feel like just because I'm a dude doesn't mean I don't need to be in the mood either. So obviously I'm an insensitive jerk, and apparently I'm too sensitive at the same time, how does that work, exactly? Honestly, I think last night she was just nervous about going to the doctor today, and sex would have numbed her to that last night, and I'm not a fan of using sex to "fix" things.

Good stuff: Celebrated 5 years with the Feds between my current time, and my previous employment with them. I get fancy official federal credentials now, yay!

Also, although I've only been involved with Al-Anon for 7 months now, I've been asked to lead my first group on Sunday. Public speaking is not an issue for me, nor is telling strangers my problems (shocking, I know). But coming up with the right topic and reading is challenging. Luckily, although it sucks my fiance will be at work all night, it will give me several hours of quiet time to work that out. I'm going to a wedding that day, and now I have a great reason to leave early. Always good to have an escape plan.

Applause: Peter Kelley: What, no link to said video? Seriously, that's awesome. I love Pollack, he does my favorite impersonation/celebrity story, it involves Christopher Walken staring at a car he thinks is voice-activated, so he looks at it and says, "Chase me!"

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T16:12:52-07:00

Life doesn't exactly show up in Boos separate from Huzzah. Quoth the Bard (speaking through a certain Dane with daddy issues), "Nothing is good or ill but thinking makes it so." Stuff happens and your reaction tells you how to process and file it. Still I could wish for a less shitty week for my friends. And myself to some extent, though that would require being nearly Batman-like in physical abilities and resources.

On Saturday I learned that a friend had been killed riding his motorcycle. I wasn't one of his closest but I have many fond memories of him and it hurt like motherfucker. I'm dealing a lot better now and turning my attention to other friends in the tribe who were closer to John. My best friend, M, is really busted up. She doesn't handle shit like this at all well and last Summer was one of the worst for her (her best work mate, then her dog, then a pal from choir all passed away suddenly). Over the phone she sounds dull, mechanical. She self-abuses and I'm very, very worried about her.

Yesterday my friend's truck was stolen. She lives in Albuquerque, she just got a job a little while ago and suddenly is without her trusty 12-year old Chevy. ABQ had been mean to the poor thing, someone broke in once but found little of value so L was just out the cost of the window. And another time someone knocked out a side mirror. Someone wrote on facebook WTFABQ? which was good for a smile lasting three seconds. But my stomach is in knots still. I can't help her out at all.

Last night a friend who runs her own (heavy) hula hoop business had a really good night selling them and was heading home with a lot of cash in her wallet when someone ran up and literally snatched her wallet out of her hand and took off. S was a bit more sanguine than I would have been but she admitted the police officer flirting with her offered a lot of salve.

Another friend spent the weekend in the hospital. Another friend lost her grandmother, with whom she was very close.... The bad gets so extensive that all I can do is just breathe and observe. Let the facts come to me and sit in my head as I get my own work done and fit in the phone calls and emails wherever I can. I don't have any more RAM to hold on to how bad it feels.

It's May and since the New Year I've auditioned for exactly one voice gig. Pitiful. And in that time I've had a subscription service for audition opportunities, so I've been wasting a ton of money with nothing to show for it. I get so on edge about stuff like that - but always right when I'm far too busy to do anything about it. This month my Japanese class wraps up; at this point all that's left for me is the final. But last month I started working on a play with my theatre company. I did a little dramaturgy (not nearly as much as could have been - but hey I passed along some TRANSMET as samples of transgressive art), and have been stage managing. For the most part I can usually balance two tasks like stage managing and a class. But sometimes the people, individuals from one side or the other demand way more attention. I'm sure it'll shock no one to know those people are usually actors. So at my play I've been having to work hard to appease the demands of one of the actors. They've been demands that are nitpicky and extensive and somehow have taken more time to fulfill than I've ever had to deal with before. i'm used to working with divas, I'm used to working out complex schedules to accommodate a dozen different lives... somehow this cast of five is making life harder than ever. It's been getting so I dread opening my email. Ugh. I'm doing my best. The only thing I can see that would work better is having a ton of money and having a terrific head for facts, figures and languages, and enough toys and physical ability to make it almost seem like I can be in two places at once. Hence, Bat-razrangel, billionaire hug-giver and problem solver and fun-haver.

Or at least I'd have a laptop that doesn't suck.

Silver lining/huzzah: I do like this play a lot, even if it's really weird and morbid. ROADKILL CONFIDENTIAL is about an (in)famous transgressive artist and the attraction and revulsion her celebrity inspires in her family, neighbors and even a federal agent. It's noirish, absurd, creepy and more than a little bit cruel. Hehe. Excellent. The playwrite is bicoastal but currently lives in LA most of the time and has screenwriting credits so, to us at least, she's a celebrity. But more importantly she's supertalented and knows her shit. AND is on hand to give us insights as we progress. Yay art.

Ovations: @keyofslience rock on with your new job-having-self! excellent!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T16:48:51-07:00

SCHLECHT: Wild depression yesterday. I'm going to go get my head shrunk, for the visits from The Black Dog, and the suspected ADD. FEED ME CHEMICALS

GUT: Made Fiction Editor at Weaponizer, which seems to be going well.

BEIFALLSTURM: @Govspy: Eesh--hope all's well.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T16:52:15-07:00

@Peter Kelly - Have you ever seen The Real Deal? It was a two part special on Comedy Central long before they started the televised celebrity poker. It had Kevin Pollak, John Caponera, Allan Havey, John Mendoza, and Robert Wuhl, all getting drunk, playing poker, and telling other comedian's jokes. Maybe it wouldn't seem to great compared to the rash of comedian podcasts and reality shows that we have today, but when it first aired in the mid 90's, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, and I loved it. They were telling Dennis Wolfberg jokes (Gooshie on Quantum Leap, if you remember) and it was so much fun. I've looked for it online for ages, but it's one of those things that will probably be lost forever until someone finds it on an old VHS tape and uploads it to a server in China.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T19:16:32-07:00

Good-
My mom got me a purse for my birthday (early!) but I'm having her keep it until my actual birthday. It is ... blue and bright green and chipper. I don't Want a new purse, but zebra-purse's zippers are fubar'd, so it's time to get a new one. It was expensive, though :( It's a bagalini or something like that. baga-something. I guess that's fancy? I don't know.

Also got into contact with some people who do service dogs for people with mental crap, and they were nice and helpful.

Also, classes are over and I think I did a good job in both programming logic and web design. My exam before this showed that I can do programing logic, even with a killer migraine, so I guess that's a good sign?

Bad-
Depression's kicked up very, very bad. My mind is scattershot, as you guys probably know. Next week, however, I got intake for psych shit, so maybe that will help. I'm crazy. Whatever. It happens. Found out my family that I thought was happy and supportive of my progress with it and hopeful career in programming shit really didn't have any faith in me whatsoever and pretty much think I'm fucked if/when anything bad happens. It was a bit of a suckerpunch, and much of the tipping point for my brain. It's like hearing that just flipped a switch I haven't been able to turn off that somehow hollowed out my mind. At least I have internet people keeping me going, as far as they can.

Applesauce:
Razrangel-
Maybe you can find some nice gigs after the classwork stuff wraps up? Good luck on your exams, if you haven't taken them yet.
Keyofsilence-
I, too, am a slow bicycler. When I bicycle. I've gotten a bit shy about it as having EVERYONE go faster than me makes me sad. Not that I'm coordinated enough to go 'fast' but eh.
Best of luck in keeping up with the bicycling. I'm sure you'll get better over time, and you will soon be zooming along. If all fails, you could probably cheat with one of those motor thingies you can get now-days for bikes.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T22:44:19-07:00

BON: I have a day off tomorrow, I just got paid, w/ a bonus, I had a lovely 6-hour chat w/ some tumblr friends last night about how dreeeeeamy Mark Lamarr is, I'm out of the darkness I go through pretty much monthly (I'm fairly convinced it's hormonal, but I've not had the money to get checked out by a doctor), and I've even been working on crafty stuff, so generally everything is pretty good.

MAL: Past due bills may suck up that nice bonus, and I'm falling behind on stuff like my car tags... and if I sit and think too hard about stuff that isn't me-being-chill or Mark Lamarr's lovely voice or my wonderful fella or kittens, I would probably go all dark again.

COMPOTE DE POMMES: @Roo- *hugs* We need to, like, Skype for 10 hours and you can giggle the entire time and everything will be wonderful for at least a day.
@govtspy- Oh no! Hoping everything turns out okay.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-09T23:11:39-07:00

Teh lol: Won the IF game competition with my first game and got some badly needed monies for that, finally went to see Iron Sky in the cinema, and the summer has finally arrived in Finland.

Teh sux: Taking apart a 14 year long relationship while being totally and utterly broke (two credit cards maxed and an account that says big fat zero) has decimated my plans for the rest of the year. Helsinki is in the grips of a horrid apartment price bubble and finding a place that's even remotely affordable is something I'm not looking forward to. Not to mention figuring out where to get the money for the actual move, fixing the car, fixing the laptop, rent deposit, doctors' and dentists' bills, all the antacids I need while thinking about this. Getting some freelance writing gigs is a theoretical option, but frankly I'll rather fucking dumpster dive than get back to being a freelance journo. Would like to go to my Fortress of Solitude to ponder things over, but alas, that went with the relationship. Guess I'll be spending the summer sitting in my overpriced new apartment and spanking it to free internet porn or something. Oh well, game coding, geocaching or writing don't cost that much...

Teh yay: For government spy about becoming a proper minion of The Man. Congrats!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T07:29:49-07:00

@government spy Didn't post the video here cause it didn't feel right....I'm all for self promotion but posting first and including it felt too much like "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" (that said, See the Around the Net thread, I just posted it there)
Good on you for the Al-Anon stuff. I've got a family member just starting to deal with that stuff myself...which means I suppose I'll be starting to deal with that stuff.

@Rachael Trell - haven't seen The Real Deal but knowing the name, I'll ask around (I work for a tv station, so the programming department might be able to get a screener copy for me) If I snag it, I'll let you know.

@Rootfireember - internet peoples are often the best people...hopefully we can keep you going as far as you need.

@Vornaskotti - I can not wait till I see Iron Sky...I've got a load of people here at work interested in it, and every so often I'll over hear "You HAVEN"T seen the trailer for Iron Sky yet?!" as some one else learns about it. Sorry to hear about the relationship....not sure if it helps, but I kinda have a man-crush on you (and gov spy) or at least your posts.
I've probably said too much.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T10:37:00-07:00

Boo! I frequently get so disturbed by the sheer amount of..stuff in the world, that I feel like I'll explode from the inside out.
Huzzah!! I know the cogs of the universe are still chugging away despite my immense apathy.
Applause!!! @keyofsilence Ha! You certainly tell it like it is. Sometimes it seems like I'm cycling harder, but not going any faster..but with the number of miles you're doing, I'm sure the bike will feel like an extension of your body, and you YOU'LL be the one laughing.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T13:03:59-07:00

BOO:
- Internship isn't going too great. Can't really go in to details, but...yeah.

- Weight gain! Although understandable since I had two week-long American vacations (Chicago deep dish pizza and enchiladas in LA destroyed me hahaha) I have found myself 17lbs heavier than I was before the holidays. Time to fix that shit.

YAY:

- LA was incredible. I actually got pretty confident in my abilities within the music industry there, as I was able to hold my own with top execs from various music/television/game companies. Made a lot of contacts and, I hope, a lot of friends.

- Started health regimen. Gym time! Good food time! It's happening!

- I was on TV Monday talking about my site and giving a tasting of four beers to the host. I picked some good beers that I thought were representations of particular styles AND that you could drink comfortable in the spring/summer. The host, who doesn't drink beer much, had a lot of fun and requested to take one of the beers home with her. She also asked me to come back when it was all done. So hey, that's awesome!

- I think that I'm starting to accept the fact that, in Oddbill's words, I am a gorgeous Amazon. Being picked on for my build in younger days, along with, I'll admit, a stupid acceptance over what the media would regard as "beautiful" has sort of made me feel shitty about it all for most of my life. But lately I've been getting that other people find tall strong women as damn sexy and I've been starting to feel good about being a tall and strong woman. I've enjoyed being viewed as that way but fought it a bit on and off. Now I think I'm ready to stop fighting it. Alan's been great in bragging that he has a girlfriend who is "basically Wonder Woman" (because few people know Big Barda, who I love). Bill's words shook me up a bit and it was all topped with, at LAX, a stranger coming up to me, asking how tall I was and saying "Wow. Thanks. I just...think that's hot..." and ran away, which I thought was funny. tl;dr am finally listening to all the people that think I am attractive because I could probably kill them with my bare hands.

Wha-koom indeed.

APPLESAUCE:

@Peter: LOVED the video! Made me laugh!
@GovSpy: Congratulations on being one of THE MAN now! Also I'm sure you'll do awesome at Al-Anon!
@Raz The gigs will come. The curse of a life like that is that the dry work periods are REALLY dry, but a flood of offers then comes in. :)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T14:00:45-07:00

BUENO: Just made an appointment with my GP for a recommendation on a head-doctor. Maybe soon I'll be worthwhile!

NO ES BUENO: I keep running into my scumbag cousin's movie on the internet when I search my home neighborhood. I wrote Working Class Paladin partly as a response; to take back the place we were born, as he showed it, and my family, in a poor light. I want people to know there's good there, and if I have to do so in a wizard-story, so be it.

ME GUSTA: @oldhat: Never you forget how badass you are. not for a second.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T14:29:26-07:00

The Bad:

I think I've finally come to an understanding with my job, and the industry within which it belongs. And it's hilarious, because I'm on the other side of conersations I remember having with mid thirties people in gaming when I first joined the industry in and late 90's. I love videogames. I love making videogames. I don't think the people I work for, or most of the other people I could be working for, even think videogames are the same thing I think they are.

Had a moment this past week where I realised I had to either walk away RIGHT NOW, or accept that this isn't how I want it to be and be a professional and finish this job and then walk away. So I feel like I've actually made a decision, but I haven't really made an official one with paperwork and shit, so there's still plenty of time to weasel out of it.

The Good:

Despite everything I've had a whole bunch of moments that remind me why videogames are so fucking cool. I have an invite to a '30th birthday of everything that matters about gaming' party which will involve lots of old consoles, old games, old people and hopefully at least drinkable young beer. There's a video you can dig up on youtube where Wil Wheaton does a PAX keynote about how gaming is important, and sometimes I have to watch it to remember why I put up with the crazy.

The Others:

@oldhat - Anyone who has never heard of Big Barda is someone not worth knowing. And I'm British and first know the character from Gaiman's Sandman... heh.

@Vornakskotti - more game coders! Woo!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T15:36:30-07:00

The BOO -

1) getting fat because I'm stuck at home, still not able to work in Canada. Used to have a physique like a young Hulk Hogan, now look more like King Kong Bundy.

2) eyesight is still screwed up, which is extremely shitty for a fine-detail artist. The only treatment for central serous retinopathy is waiting for it to go away by itself, because laser treatment scars the macula and permanently destroys fine vision.

The CHEER -

an old friend from Australia called me up last week and is coming to visit in a few months' time.

The STANDING OVATION -

@Robin: great news about the professional networking.

@Peter: good to hear from you again. Any chance you'll be free over the next couple of weekends to come out drinking with the rest of the Toronto crowd?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T18:12:27-07:00

@keyofsilence - the biking thing will get easier. Soon you'll be passing some people, while others will continue to pass you. Focus on your breathing (don't even try to control it, just focus on it) and the entire ride will go quickly. (least it does for me)

@OldHat glad you liked the video. It's nothing for my demo reel but I am very happy with it
Also, i've got 2 sisters and a wife and I am still mystified how some women are unaware of their looks. Here is something I would have trouble saying in person due to being intimidated by attractive women. I've met you in real life. You are extremely attractive. not sort of, extremely. ACCEPT THIS ALREADY.
(Alan, please note I am happily married, please don't beat me up)

@greasemonkey - Time I have can spare these days, cash I can not. If you're hitting the town I'll try to scrounge up a couple of bucks though....I've missed you guys.
I'm feeling a bit like later years Jake the Snake myself (minus the crippling addiction to crack), one of the reasons I got the bike out of the basement. Just keep as active as you can.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T20:01:21-07:00

@Peter: we'll probably be doing a pub meet on the third or fourth Saturday of May, and I'm throwing another Whitechapel party at my place in June. I'm open on the date at this point.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-10T20:07:16-07:00

The NO. NUH-UH. PLEASE GO AWAY.

Apparently, my current incarnation of "the sads" involves overeating and HATING my body. For no good reason. Just because I can? I don't like it. Not one bit. Nor does my waistline. Also: I'm very poor despite efforts not to be and really need to do some babysitting on top of my regular salaried job in order to afford voice lessons.

Plus I need to see a dentist and have no idea where my dental insurance card is. I put it somewhere safe but who knows where the fuck that is? I mean, really.

The OKAY FINE I WILL TRY AND BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Positive feedback from new voice teacher, and not just to my face. To my past voice therapist. And I've been drawing again (and kind of like what I've been coming up with?). And even if that all sounds good, I'm just ... it's hard to get me worked up about those things because every time I say "HEY THAT'S KIND OF GOOD" my brain goes "yes, but you suck at like, EVERYTHING else. So cool it." Sometimes it does that in the voice of Sterling Archer, which is actually pretty funny except for the part where it's really sad.

The scrumptious apple dessert that is, all things considered, pretty healthy:

@Oldhat, FUCK TO THE YES. Please start accepting that you're a fucking awesome Amazon.

@Everyone dealing with the sads, please hang in there and do what you gotta do to get by.

@Raz, I'm so so sorry to hear about your friend. Let us know if there's anything we can do.

@Rachael, good luck, and, above all, please take care of yourself. You've got an entire forum of worried mothers here (that goes for you too, flecky. I know you'll turn up in this thread in a bit).

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T06:38:43-07:00

the boo
There is something wrong with me. Something in my ear or maybe my brain. I've seen a doctor about it once already, and after doing a load of co-ordination tests she shrugged and said it was probably maybe something to do with my ears and gave me some pills to help with the nausea. But now I'm out of drugs and the episodes of vertigo wake me up in the middle of the night and I'll be clinging to the bed like I'm going to fall off it and I should just go and speak to someone for gods sake I don't know why I'm being so lazy about it. Until I do, my hypochondriac brain will be making up all sorts of shit about what could be wrong with me.

Brain stuff.

I think I'm becoming more introverted, more private, more disaffected, more nihilistic, more cynical, more apathetic. Or maybe I've always been this way and I just kind of ignored it before. I think it is becoming harder for me to associate with other human beings and open up to them. It's always taken me a long while to get to know someone but lately I haven't really felt the need to make the effort, and it's not that i don't want to hang out with anyone at all, it's just that I find it harder to... I don't know. Empathise? with regular people. I've got no time for small talk, I don't like dressing up to go out and I generally find socialising stressful and annoying rather than fun. I smoke compulsively in social situations to hide my extreme awkwardness, even though I don't smoke at all the rest of the time.

None of this would matter, but I know that my buckling to my increasing inclination to stay at home and chill instead of stressing myself out around other people means that it is becoming even harder to do than before. And I'm not challenging myself. And I just feel kind of itchy and dissatisfied all the time. And honestly, I've got fuck all going on in my life and I should really do something about that, even though it's more comfortable by far to sit at home and do home stuff.

the huzzah
I'm visiting an old school friend this weekend who I haven't seen in a year in a vague effort to reach out to other human beings (see above). I have been a pretty shitty friend to her really, but she seems to put up with me so hopefully touching base like this will help restore some semblance of my sanity.

the applause
@dorkmuffin and others experiencing the sads- Try to remember it's not real. It's just a thing that's happening in your brain. It won't last forever. And i hope you feel better soon.
@vornaskotti: Congratulations on the award, that really is something. And I'm sorry to hear about your troubles... I mean 14 years... I don't even.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T11:19:47-07:00

@Peter Kelly

Hah, appreciated :)

@Everybody else

Thank you :)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T14:38:55-07:00

Boo
Frazzled. Work is relentless, wasted the holiday weekend by being ill then getting drunk in my shed so wrote off the Monday, have been chasing my tail for weeks and not getting anywhere. Have a magazine to get to pre-press at the end of Monday and far too many loose ends and sign offs outstanding for comfort. Need to try and catch up tomorrow, but can't get VPN working and the helpdesk seemingly haven't got a clue how to reset my PIN... Seem to be doing nothing but gargle in the rat race choir, can't even think straight. Am gaining weight and turning shabby, need to fight that and fight to stay upright.

Kids are doing my head in too. They've been really pushing it this week, fighting and kicking off about stuff, and me being exhausted and crabby when I get back and find them running rings around my partner and being obnoxious doesn't help as I've been snapping. I tried a gentle reading of the riot act last night, tried to explain why they were causing so much stress and asking them to think about how they were behaving. Fat lot of bloody use, it seems, so I'm reverting back to Victorian Dad and banning the Wii until further notice. We all need to calm down though, too much aggro.

First world problems - I've burned my entire mobile broadband data bundle, 3gb, accidentally today by leaving a live stream of the Leveson enquiry running for nine hours. I wasn't even fucking watching it, or even listening, so a little silent Rebekah Brooks has knocked me off the internet during the working day (work network connection is so locked down as to be pointless) until fucking June. I'm not happy about this. Garden is a swamp as well, totally waterlogged, slugbastards have even got into my propagators and eaten all my dahlia seedlings and I hate them .

Huzzah

Partner is well at the moment and still pregnant, so qualified, quiet huzzah. We're both still terrified that something will go wrong though, I just really want this over with. We're getting on, mostly, though, which is pleasing
I mended the tumble drier instead of buying a new one.

The sound of two hands clapping:
@Vornaskotti - sorry for your woes, hope you can pick a path through it.
@Oldhat - AMAZON BEER EXPERT.
@people with sads - hang in, hang on, keep on keeping on. It gets better, and remember if it's passed before, it will pass again.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T15:04:28-07:00

The Bad: Have been overwhelmed with too many gigs with the same deadlines piled on, started drinking/partying too much to unwind and this resulted in a horrible night of anger, tears and stupidly blacking out and telling people my secrets. Basically, the first time in about eight months that I had a crack in my hard candy coating of non-emotions and they all came tumbling out. Spent the past week trying to stop the flood and put myself back together. Still have too many unanswered emails, deadlines to meet, reasons to feel worthless. All I want to do is sleep and my brain shuts itself off sometimes when I'm at my desk due to overwhelming panic.

The Good: I've done a lot of work I'm proud of. I have a lot of plans for the future. I have a crush on someone and we flirt sometimes and this makes me smile when I am lost in my head. There are good things afoot, good plans, good schemes enacting. The weather is getting warmer and I'm planting herbs and flowers in my backyard.

The Applause:
@Oldhat - fuck yea, amazon woman!
@razrangel - I'm sorry you're in the middle of such a storm of sad. Hang in there and keep moving forward!

Same goes to the rest of you.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T15:49:51-07:00

Hey, all. I could use a second of complaining, though I admit I never have problems paramount to complain about.

So the boo: I've oft complained about my love life, which I understand probably means it's something about what I'm doing wrong and not a reflection of the state of dating culture in my area, but right now I have two main problems that are otherwise untouchable by my other social groups.

Two women I'm kind of in love with are pretty much gone for good from my life. Neither of whom I had any chance of being requited. One of whom I've had feelings for over...five years, I think? Never lost the bug. Never boned up and told her so. No reason to--her life is pretty awesome without me, and I doubt I'd make it better.

The other was in my degree program over the last two years I've attended, for whom I've had mixed feelings for/about, but in the past few months they've become very solid. Let me tell you a story:

We, and other friends in the major, just finished a class on the history and practice of Buddhism. In this class, there was a self-important, self-involved, annoying, stupid, shitty asshole who would often diatribe about shit that was pointless, repeat himself...he was "that guy." Where I am normally pretty forgiving, this guy got on everyone's nerves so goddamned hard, there was no way to rehabilitate him in the eyes of we, the Philosophy Department Lackey Circle. So we have this paper due--the assignment is basically write about any tenant of Buddhism that interests you. Before turning it in, this guy goes into the most self-centered diatribe about how HARD and how CRAZY it was to write about the eight-fold path OMG IT WAS SO DIFFICULT GAWD YOU CAN'T IMAGINE (this went on for about four minutes).

In a moment too beautiful and glorious for words, this girl, who is sitting right next to him, in a frank and almost-too-loud voice says, "SOUNDS ROUGH." And the entire class erupted in laughter, including the professor, almost in a cruel, grade-school way, but in response to this perfect, "Shut up you stupid asshole, nobody cares and you are taking up our time talking about your stupid bullshit." It was amazing; she managed to pack half a semester of loathing annoyance into two simple, poetic words.

It was that moment that I realized that she was a beautiful, if cruel, awesome, genius. And now she's graduating. And has a boyfriend. And is moving home. So that sucks a lot.

So, y'all know me, sadboy etc.

I've some good though: I'll be working full time over the summer, making back a lot of the financial aid money I've spent and making my life a lot more comfortable.

Last night I hosted the first-in-years Philosophy Department party and it was great! I cleaned my whole house and made a bunch of food and everyone was happy and awesome.

I'm joining back with some old band mates, minus the douche that ruined the old band. I'm stoked as fuuuck.

And summer comes in time for me to readreadread. I wanna read Anti-Oedipus by Delueze and Guattari, Candide, I have a philosophy of film textbook to read, I've just ordered Cinema 1 and 2 by Delueze and The World Viewed by Cavell. Should be...fascinating, provided I actually do it (unlike last summer).

Anyway.

Applause:

@Glu Speaking as someone who has a lot of trouble doing this, keeping larger-plan oriented is a way of escaping a lot of anxiety around day-to-day stuff at manageable levels. You're not burning bridges; people fuck up and you have time and opportunity to fix it. It's cool, you're cool, it'll be cool.

That's the only specific Applause I have, but I applaud you all because you're great. Sorry for the long post.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T19:14:41-07:00

The Suck:
Tired way too often blah blah blah, not enough hours at work blah blah blah, netbook is pretty much dead and in netbook heaven blah blah blah. I suppose the usual upset at myself for not drawing would apply but I think I'm at the point of not caring anymore. I went on a date today, didn't have much in expectations, my suspicions for his lack of education and intelligence was confirmed. I was thinking that maybe he was dyslexic or something, but no. I'm not experiencing the sads so much, more of a not giving a shit. Actually, there is one thing that is rant worthy. My dad bumped into the fellow that I went on a date once with (at the fellow's job) and was much too friendly. Because my dad doesn't understand that boundaries are a good thing and should be respected. *headdesk* Amusingly, one of the very things I ranted about when talking to the psychologist today.

The Win:
I got to hang out with one of my guyfriends and his roommates and there was guitar and uke playing and singing and random chatter and coffee. Good times! And invites to stop by and hang out whenever I'm in town. It's a very artsy collective sort of place with artists who are also musicians and musicians who are also artists and general creativeness oozing from the pores of the place. Also bumped into the fellow I once went on a date with and then later dates never worked out and he's supposed to text me tomorrow and we're going to hang out or something. (Unless he doesn't, which I won't mind much either because I've decided that worrying about boy things really isn't worth it.)

Have been meeting with a psychologist, and so far it hasn't sucked. Might even be helpful. Yay! I am playing the Uke again, and can play like two songs decently, two songs poorly, and and I'm hoping to figure out how to play a song by Fever Ray, which will probably involve tinkering around on piano first? I might have a friend do clapping for the song (or some basic percussion). Regardless, I have to trim the nails short on at least one of my hands for work, and my boss is insisting I perform at an open mic sometime, so that will probably happen. Should be fabulously embarrassing.

Saucy Apples:
@keyofsilence: It probably just takes time to be all zoom on the bicycle. I imagine you'll be whizzing past people soon enough.

@razrangel: Hugs hugs hugs hugs. So much bad shit! So very sorry to hear it. I highly suspect once things slow down, the voice acting stuff will start going again.

@fellow depressives/experiencers of the sads: This too shall pass is something I tell myself whenever I have a mood. Hugs to all of you, because, well, you deserve it.

@Oldhat: You are an awesome beer loving Amazon. Kick-Ass.

@tedcrolad: One of the best things I've learned about myself is that as tantalizing and fun the concept of dating and relationships are, not being attached to anyone is pretty fucking cool too. And wanting someone is overrated shit. Find a way to move on (that doesn't involve wanting someone else). Find ways to enjoy and celebrate the awesome of singleness. Like flirting without consequence. And being as selfish as you want when it comes to what you feel like doing, and eating, and well, whatever. Because fucking hell, that entire can't be a whole person until you're in a couple bullshit that we are trained to believe in from childhood? Really sucky stuff. You are a cool dude, and why not just relish in the fact that you're a cool person, and you don't need someone pretty/amazing/whatever to tell you that with longing gazes.

And next time you do meet a girl you fancy, just tell her. Get it out, and get it over with. She might even like you and had no clue (the amount of times this has happened to me...cries). And this:

No reason to--her life is pretty awesome without me, and I doubt I'd make it better.

kill that thinking dead. It is lies! Remember, you are awesome! Ok?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-11T23:48:01-07:00

The Boo(?): Tonight I'm spending the first night outside of my old home, which is kinda weird. On one hand, it's good we sold the house and we're going to have that debt out of our lives, but the whole fam's feeling a little off from it.

Also, I'm still recovering from a really bad cold, and let me tell ya--moving huge objects is not fun when you're short of breath and hacking up unholy green shit from your lungs.

The Huzzah: My final project hasn't been graded yet, but I can say with certainty that I passed my class for this semester; and now that I have a better handle of what I'm going for, I'm planning on getting the right classes I need for my degree.

The Applause:

...I had a few going but then I saw that @trini_naenae said pretty much the same thing to a lot of people on there. So...applause for us apparently sharing the same brain. ~~You poor, unfortunate soul.~~

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-12T06:45:56-07:00

THE GOOD: Have welcomed several 'chappellers into the fold at Weaponizer as editors, and it's great to see the boost this has given us in terms of page views, comments, and new voices on the site. The launch of the magazine has gone well so far, although not as quickly as I'd hoped - am dealing with delays from the stockists and printers both in the UK and the US, which is a little frustrating. I had hoped that copies would be mailed out quickly as soon as the publication went live, but various practical considerations have left me trailing behind a bit. Hopefully this will all be cleared up over the next week or so, and I can start mailing out the domestic orders, and publicising the US distributors. I'm still counting this in the WIN column though - teething problems were bound to be a factor. I've also had good news about some of my writing, which has been shortlisted for a prize for unpublished authors. I'm currently trying to justify the expense of travelling to London for the announcement of the winner.

THE BAD: Everyone dealing with issues of depression - I feel you. It's a constant in my life, and often has nothing to do with the actual practical realities of my situation. Even confronted with evidence of your own abilities and accomplishments, you can still feel worthless. I'm in a place where I just distrust my judgements of people and of myself... I know things cannot be as negative as they seem, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm always letting someone down, or fucking things up. I've always felt like I was a disappointment to my friends and family. I spent some time in analysis last year, and although I gave it up because I felt like things were getting better, I still feel like I have work to do in terms of figuring out why I am who I am, and what that means. It's a constant, ongoing process. I don't have the money right now to go back and see someone, but I feel like it would help, so I'm really hoping to get a paying job soon. That in itself is a tough task. A minimum wage admin job I applied for the other week had 700 applicants in four days. I can scrape together enough freelance work to pay the rent, but it doesn't leave much for anything else, let alone paying an analyst's fee. I guess I should count myself lucky, at least we have the NHS here, and psychiatric referrals to doctors who charge on a pay-what-you-can basis are available. The idea of facing these kinds of feelings in a culture with no NHS is frankly terrifying. To everyone in that situation or one like it, I extend my deepest sympathy.

THE HUZZAH: Congrats to Robin for the TV appearance - may it be the first of many! Also, bravo Fauxhammer for addressing some of the issues I was talking about before, that's a brave move and I wish you all the best with it.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-12T16:11:09-07:00

kill that thinking dead. It is lies! Remember, you are awesome! Ok?

I would sort of almost consider tattooing this on my forehead. I think this applies to a LOT people in this forum (but especially the circumstances for which this advice was dispensed).

KILL THAT THINKING DEAD. IT IS LIES. REMEMBER YOU ARE AWESOME.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-12T18:27:55-07:00

*fistbump* texture

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-12T22:56:40-07:00

More Huzzah: I just got confirmation that I did indeed pass my class--not only that, I passed far better than what I expected.

Massive Boo: It seems like we have ticks in the new house. We've only seen maybe three or four of them, most of them on the roof, but what I've heard mi madre say about them's making me more than a little paranoid.

If any of y'all have any tips on how to take care of ticks would be very helpful.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-13T12:00:08-07:00

Sorry. This is long. I'm wobbly in the head from all the headaches, and, well, life just keeps happening to me and I'm not sure how to deal.

The Awful:

I'm pretty much drowning financially. I've tallied all my bills, and I am over $2000 in debt, and it's growing. In the grand scheme of things it's not a lot of money to be indebted to, but after rent and phone I only have something like $15 a month left.

I can't go to doctors because I owe them money. I've been researching social programs or housing options but there's just nothing. I may end up living in the projects or a group home for the mentally ill or something. I can't physically or financially move again. But I can't keep it up the way I'm living.

And then there's my health stuff.

I've been talking online with other people who've been to the fancy medical facility I'll be going to. I'm most likely facing a series of surgeries. If my spine isn't stable (which it isn't), just fixing the back of my skull won't be effective, and may make things worse, so they opt for neck and/or spinal fusion in addition to the brain/skull surgery. However, there's a genetic degenerative joint disorder, Ehler Danlos Syndrome, which is usually present if there's both scoliosis and Chiari Malformation, and that makes healing go slowly and tissues not stay taught, which even further complicates the stabilization. Also, it seems my mother's very rare genetic degenerative hip joint disease is comorbid with osteogenesis imperfecta (as seen in Unbreakable). Chances are, I am facing a long painful road and I will be need to be held together by a lot of metal.

Also, looking at my MRIs, it would appear that have a syrinx in my spinal column. That's pretty bad, and adds even more complications.

Also, It seems that sometimes, when there's spinal instability and issues with cranial pressure, in addition to fusing your neck vertebrae, the doctors just... remove parts of your cerebral tonsils to make room.

screamingchristfuck.

but all of this is secondary. The surgery itself isn't so scary, and isn't really what emotionally hits me. I can be pragmatic about my flesh being sliced up and put back together. It's that I'm going this alone. I don't mean to belittle the role that my internet friends play in my life, because it's definitely helped me survive and I love you for it, but... christ. I've got nobody around. No friends, no family.

I can't psychologically have my family in my life right now. My entire life has been taken from me. I was a fucking brilliant child, and tomboy athletic. Reading the same books as my babysitter and the only girl who could climb the rope in gym class who only played with boys at recess. Memorizing Hamlet for fun when I was 10. Getting the lead in every single play, always.

But my folks both went on to their their own new lives and their new spouses and I was left to myself. They ignored me, told me I was lazy and wanted to be ill and was making it up, couldn't be bothered and wouldn't help me get my meds and dismissed my claims of pain. I did this to myself by wearing my backback on one shoulder, or I didn't do my back exercises like I was supposed to.

It's not just that they fucked up. They fucked up, blamed me, and won't admit it, wouldn't respond to my pleas, and have sat by and let me suffer ever worsening and permanent nerve/vision/brain damage for the past 15 years. I really can't forgive them for that.

My entire life. swallowed away.

Old friends who all swore they'd be there for me have moved away, or gotten married and their wives don't like me, or just faded with time. I've befriended some awesome people since I've been back in NYC this past year, but, um, well, I don't feel I am at a comfortable friend stage with anyone to ask so much. I've one friend still nearby, but she's REALLY married and planning her pregnancy. I don't know what I will do when I get out of the hospital. Can I stay living in this apartment with cochroaches, occasional mice, drunken weekends, and cigarettes? Who will help me walk to the bathroom, or wash my hair, or bring me food, or do my laundry while I've got staples in my skull and stitches down my spine?

That is what drives me to tears.

It's taken me too long. And everyone went away. Everyone got compassion fatigue.

I'm just so fucking tired. I missed my chance for an adventurous life. I've not been on a plane since 1995. That kills me. And I can't fucking keep fighting just to stay afloat while I have to face all this health stuff and the solitude it promises.

The Awful Good:

Well, I got over my weeks of panic and finally sent in the CDs of my brain MRIs to the fancy brain place. Also, there was this email I've been obsessing and revising and wondering and waiting over for months, and I finally just fucking sent it to the boy of yore who broke my heart. Fuck it. I can't cling to bullshit. I've got to get the fuck on with it. With everything.

Also, I finally "got" and installed Lion and Lightroom 4. Now I can add watermarks to my photographs with ease and without losing the EXIF data, and I'm sort of stupid excited about that. I also took apart and fixed the annoying loud fan in my ancient Dell notebook.

Also, I'm looking forward to getting back on painkillers. I know it will make all the doom and gloom I'm feeling right now much more manageable.

Also, I've finally gotten my room situated and caught up on all my paperwork and have been scanning and uploading and tweaking and drawing etc like a mother fucker.

Also, I think the world is trying to turn me into a supervillan. Today's pain is being treated with a corset and a cane. Soon I'll have a scar down my back and an eyepatch again. Osteogenesis Imperfecta may run in my genes, and I spent a good deal of my childhood obsessed with comic books and the color purple. Perhaps I really am destined to become an evil genius.

Also, I've been talking to a lot of people on the Chiari Malformation facebook page and it's wonderful just to be able to share similar experiences. I'd posted a link to the weatherspark.com site that I found on here, and it was quite a hit because of it's live graph of barometric pressure. (shifts in air pressure make the cranial pressure hurt terribly, you see).

The Clapping:

@texture - thank you for your sympathies. no NHS really is the ass.
@tedcroland - what trini said.
@ JP - a quiet good luck to the quiet good thing.
@govspy - "Lupus like" is so fucking vague and awful, but really, it could be any number of auto-immune things, which attack at differing degrees.
@dorkmuffin - gosh. thanks for the preemptive good wishes!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-13T12:46:36-07:00

@Rachael - thank you. And, eHugs. Heartbreaking that you have to go through this without proper support.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-13T20:27:27-07:00

The Shit: The worst I can say right now is that I feel like I'm creatively dried up and blown away on the wind. It's a little disconcerting.

The Awesome: My weekend started out with seeing Roger Water's do The Wall in SF (I always knew that album was fucked but seeing his animations for the songs really drove it home), yesterday was spent celebrating the soon-to-be-baby for one of my best men (which was especially poignant since this is the second time he and his wife have been expecting but the last one did not go well), and today I watched the kid and gave the wife the day off from parenting for Mother's Day.

The Hug: @rachael I'm sorry for your situation, lady. You have my emotional support, whatever that's worth from across the nation.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-14T22:19:30-07:00

The Boo: Horribly mundane, but in the same week the dryer died and the air conditioning, while the bank discovered fraudulent charges on my account. No word on a resolution yet, but my kind roommate and landlord is depending on rent to get these things taken care of and he's such a nice guy that I hate that it feels like I've dropped the ball. It's not oh-god-it's-July-in-North-Carolina hot, so there's that, but I'm totally in the negative at the bank and things are a little hairy until payday.

The Huzzah: I would never have done this if she'd had an office full of people as it's bad form, but I went to a commercial audition at my agent's office, and asked about other projects I'd heard rumblings about. Before I left, I'd read for a Time Warner commercial, Army Wives, Banshee and Homeland. Can't ask for more than that. And booking a gig would solve some money problems.

The Applause: @Rachel I tried to think of a few things that might make you laugh or smile, but just sounded pithy and inadequate when I read them, so I decided to just go with telling you I tried. Much respect for what you're dealing with.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-15T12:56:20-07:00

Gosh, I know this is the venting thread, but fuck, I feel like such a dramatic killjoy.

But here, have some more! :D

The Boo:

Yesterday I'd spent 7 straight hours at the computer and on the phone calling, leaving messages, doing research, and trying desperately to find some means of finding a way to afford a place to live on Disability. It was a monumental failure, and it's become a reality that really might end up staying in a shelter for a few months so I can get on the list for subsidied housing, because that's how it works.

Instead of staying home in tears, I decided to get the fuck out. I've not been out socially in weeks. At around 3am I arrived at the only bar I go to these days, where I know the bartender (as being an art school student with my mom when I was 7, and then by chance, as a co-bartender with me at a jazz cafe 10 years ago). We go back. He, a fellow I've grown to know through him, and a woman roughly my age were chatting. They brought up the attractive-but-too-old gentleman I'd become friends with these past few months. The gentleman I was introduced to by my bartender so we could share cab rides home. The one who kinda sorta slid me into a date without me realizing until it was too late (but hey, I got to see Shatner on stage). The one who left his fancy air mattress on my stoop so I didn't have to sleep on the floor. The one who offered to give me an almost free place to live if I need it. These are all really kind things, and I don't really have friends around that offer that sort of kindness, even if I do feel awkward accepting. And yeah, I did crash at his place that one night, and we did take Xanax before we crashed, and I did end up waking up in a blurry make out that I don't really know how it started, but ... eh, I shouldn't have slept in his bed, I suppose, and I must have less tolerance than I thought I did. And yeah, it does make the notion of being his almost free roommate a terrible idea, I suppose, but the way things are looking, I've started to consider it. I nearly stopped by his house on my way out to ask if it really was a possibility, a platonic possibility, and trying to figure out how to explain to him that he was too old for me without hurting his feelings.

So these three people at the bar, they are mentioning this older fellow, and the woman tells this tale of how she crashed at his place one time, and she had the EXACT SAME pills/crash/blurry-touchy experience I did, down to some of the EXACT SAME gritty details which I won't mention.

goddammit.

At the very end of the night, I explained my similar tale to the bartender, and he said "that's kinda rape."

yeah. I wouldn't use the term "rape," but still, that's creepy-sad.

Maybe I will let that fellow loan me $500 like he'd offered. And then not feel guilty. And then never hang out with him again. (but I probably won't)

The Yay:

Thank fuck I didn't see the older fellow last night, and thank fuck I went out and happened to overhear this woman tell her tale.

Also, getting out and being social last night was really overdue and lovely.

Also, it seems that slapping on a corset and drinking a small bit of whiskey is AWESOME for my back when it's seized. Today I feel fabulous.

Also, my bartender friend lives nearby, and we've decided we shall hang out!

Also, I get to volunteer at WFMU again this week! Yay! (if you listen, they might mention my name on the air again!)

Clapitty clap clap!

@JP, RenThing, & Crusher Joe - Thanks for the well wishes. I do appreciate it! :D

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T03:13:25-07:00

The War on Terra:

Bit of a weird one, this: On Friday, after coming home from a NA meeting (where once again, I was the only fucker not clean), I was a snarling, angry, world-hating, resentful, and probably, shitty looking human. I had flu, I was withdrawing, and I was, generally, in a real bad way. I'd been to a second-hand comic shop, and I spent my time in there cursing the twats (they are twats, I know the owner - coke-snorting twat!), because they charge too much for old comics.

Anyway, when I got indoors, after walking past my lovely, such-fond-and-awful-horrible-memories crackhaus from a decade ago, I just couldn't see the point in going on. I've reached a point where I'd be rather dead, and just cut to the chase, than go back to the slow-death of active using. So, feeling utterly hideous, I came to a decision to kill myself. I understand suicide well. I've been there before, and the way I see it, when everything is shite you feel like you've got no control over anything - apart from your own mortality. It's the ultimate form of making some simplicity out of all the garbage. Life and death, simple. I live alone (thank fuck, I don't really like people and all their stupid mechanics), I'm not in a relationship (thank fuck, I'm too mentally immature), so I wouldn't be doing it for attention or any shite like that.

I hadn't decided how I'd do it; drowning is quite a good one, so I put my demise on hold, and instead I took a load of them Subutex opioid things, got a shit buzz on and ended up playing stupid computer games. Saturday came, and I took more, hating myself for fucking-up my detox regime. Sunday, I'd forgotten about suicide (see, fickle bastard), and I decided not to take any more pills, not until the withdrawals returned.

I got through to Monday, and was feeling rough, but not as rough as I'd thought I'd be. I went out for a little walk, ate, and got my head down to more soul-numbing TV. But I didn't take any opioid crap. I've still got a bit of flu, but I thought I'd be withdrawing like mad by now. I thought to myself: I've gone this far, why take some now? Tuesday came, I took no opioid muck...

It's now Wednesday, and I'm four-fooking-days-clean! You are the first people I've told, I've not seen a soul for five days. I feel, and look, demented, but bollocks to that.

Isn't it good to be lost in the woods:

FOUR FOOKING DAYS CLEAN!

I'm not really a sociopath:

Mutated mind-waves of positivity to any going through some hard stuff.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T06:00:04-07:00

Attaboy, Flecky.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T06:12:11-07:00

@Flecky Awesome!!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T08:13:20-07:00

Flecky, you glorious man!

And as to suicide, it's really only worth it once there isn't any chance that things could get better. This will sound trite, but what kept me going when I was 16-19 (a really really really emotionally terrible time in my life, and still rates as one of the very worst periods I've ever had) was reading monthly comics (Sandman, to be specific, which is probably why I deified it so). I needed to find out what happened. I put so much love into that fucking storyline, that I let it keep me waiting another month. Granted, it put me in a really weird headspace that I couldn't explain to anyone when the last issue came out when I was 19 or 20.... but by then, the horrible time was pretty much over, and by the time things got bad again, I found Preacher. Obsession can be a good thing.

These days, I just focus on the fact that I don't believe in an afterlife, and that I HAVE to keep going and make things get better because the bastards that have fucked me over will never get any come-uppence, will never pay for their crimes, will never ever feel the guilt they should, unless I am around to make them do so. And maybe I won't ever get THOSE bastards specifically, but I might be able to help someone else from falling prey as I have.

It's not the most .... um... serene of outlooks, but fuck it. It keeps me going. Vengeance and spite.

Good luck my man. Good luck. You are one of the ones I worry about.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T09:14:25-07:00

So my boyfriend finally bought some rope for kinky purposes. It arrived yesterday, and I went to reach for some, but we just ended up wrestling a whole bunch. I have a crazy bruise on my back and a partial black eye. I am awash in serotonin and feeling very languorous. I'm so glad I hung a hammock in the backyard yesterday, because I think that's where I'm going to spend the next few hours.

Then I have to go to work. And, I guess, put on a few pounds of concealer.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T11:40:31-07:00

The Bad

I realise that i made a comment here a while ago that makes me look like an arse, mainly because it was the kind of thing an arse might say. It made sense in my head at the time but really... well. Anyway, my apologies to Mr Hex, yes, i am an arse, however believe me, you are an optimist.

More seriously, that recurring Bike theme cropped up again; my friend down in Eastbourne, someone who is to me much like the son i never had, picked up a lovely secondhand Honda 250 on Saturday. And got knocked off it on Sunday by a nice lady who got a bit confused with the one way system and ended up driving down the wrong side of the road.

The Good

My mate survived with nothing more than a bad case of concussion and two days worth of amnesia and his new girlfriend has turned out to be an absolute diamond, looking after him while he was too groggy to do much himself and helping him deal with the weasely insurance weasels. I may have to start looking for a wedding suit.

Other good stuff has happened; Waking Jack, The Sweeps at Rochester, being most favoured Agency Monkey at work, all of which pales into insignificance at the thought that one of my very best friends, someone who pretty much takes the place of family for me these days, didn't get wiped out. I offer up my thanks to the great God of the traffic lights.

The Cheers

Rachael, because putting up with what you have to suffer is hard enough, putting up with it on your own, without anyone to fall back on? I wish i could do something practical to help, i really do.

Flecky, because you are a hero, simple as that. Do me a favour though, stick with the breathing business if you can, i'd have one less person to look up to if you decided to leave.

The rest of you, i'm sorry i don't have the wherewithal to comment on each of you. Hang on in there, strength to you all.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-16T13:43:31-07:00

Just wanted to add that I survived mental health intake.
Trying to wind down from the insanity of all that. They want to do a sleep study, and rule out more physical stuff.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-17T05:18:35-07:00

my doc put me on Fluoxitine (Prozac) bah. i had to tell a friend i can't make it to his wedding. double bah. my amp was broken but now is fixed.... yay

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-17T09:24:47-07:00

Sleep study's been cancelled by my doctor (too expensive) and now I'm going onto tricyclics. At least their chemical structure looks happy? I guess?
Good luck with your meds, Alastair!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-17T10:22:41-07:00

I'm changing the order of things because I'm an iconoclast and shit!

The good: I get to see the lovely lady I'm dating tomorrow for the first time in four weeks! Really, there's a lot of good. The kid is awesome. My ex and I may be working things out so we can avoid court (fingers crossed, but not holding my breath). Work's coming along quite well.

The bad: So I shaved off the beard and found that my face was dry and crusty underneath. Over the winter, I assumed I had chapped lips or something, but after weeks of hydrating and moisturizing, it became clear that something else was at work. Monday I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and then in a fit of "my face is full of something gross breeding there" washed the area so thoroughly that it took all the skin with it. Actually I didn't have to scrub very hard, so clearly the skin was being eaten by something gross. The doc put me on anti-biotics and things are clearing up/growing back. The biggest problem... no skin to skin contact until this all clears up. So in just over 24 hours, I'm going to see the gal pal and unless my face gets much better in that time frame, not so much as a smooch.

The Shout outs:
@Rachael: Fuckin' A girl! I wish there was a tangible way I could help. I can offer the hope that things can get better with the right treatment. My health problems fall well short of yours (because clearly, these sorts of things are a competition) but I was suffering enough chronic pain that I was on daily narcotics and out of work for a year and a half (don't get me started on why I didn't qualify for Social Security during that time), but after the third back surgery, I'm close enough to pain free that my biggest complaints are my face falling off right before I get to go out with girls. I really hope this is the treatment you need and that you find a way to make it all come together to get through this.

@Flecky: Well done staying clean. And keep on living mate. You make this mud ball a bit more interesting.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-17T20:00:10-07:00

Boo/Hiss:
Saturday afternoon I had a delightful 2nd date with the fellow (from way back when). Very low key and we didn't do much of anything, but there was good conversation, and that's really what matters most to me. We were going to have a date Thursday evening/night, after I was done with work. Guess why this is in the boo/hiss section? Needless to say, it got canceled, he said due to drama over the past couple days related to an ex (suicide). And I'd like to believe him, and that he's not just blowing me off. Except that my co-worker saw him at the circus with a girl last night. Which happens to be about the same time I texted him to figure out plans for tonight, and there was no response. We're not exclusive or anything, so I wouldn't care all that much, except... there seems to be a repeat of history going on. *head-desk* He's just about in the friend zone right now. I feel like I'm being lied to, and I really don't have the patience for that kind bullshit.

The Good Times:
I have been into rearranging/tidying my apartment this week, and I have a Jack in the Pulpit that I bought last summer/fall that is blooming and is very pretty. I went on a walk with my mom by the highway and took photos of moody clouds on Tuesday. All the stuff at work that needed to get done, did get done. And the romantic feelings were lovely while they lasted. And apparently some advice I gave was actually worth repeating. I felt exceptionally clever for a bunch of days.

The Lovely People Here:
@Rachael: Bloody Fucking Hell! First, ew ew creepy ew ew. I'd give the old guy a kicking in the balls if I could. So skeevy! I wish I had information on how to get help and taken care of for post intense surgeries. The best I can manage is that a lot of retirement communities have rehab for short term patients, and often Medicaid/Medicare helps cover that, but those tend to be in the retirement age. And that was in CA. I wish the system wasn't so messed up. And I wish there was a way to help create a support system.

@Flecky: Glad you're still around. And glad you managed to get clean.

@roadscum: Sorry about your friend and glad to hear things turns out more or less ok. And his new girlfriend really is amazing. Wow.

@sellmeyoursoul: Eeeks! I hope your skin heals up quickly!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-17T20:52:45-07:00

@trini & rachael - there are lot of nursing/rehab facilities in NYC & just outside the city (like in Westchester) that provide short term care for people of all ages and that do accept Medicaid/Medicare. While I'd imagine you would be most comfortable in your home, if the situation is bleak then it might be a good idea to check into popping out for a few months into such a place. Just google up short term care NYC or young adult nursing home or somesuch. I've heard of folks going into there when I was working at some non-profits back in the day.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes May 16th)

2012-05-18T01:22:14-07:00

@trini, @sellmeyoursoul, @roadscum - thanks, guys!

@glukkake - yeah, that's been my current research project. You are right, I really would be more comfortable to stay home, but I fear I'll need some looking after for a while, and that's not really fair to throw into roommate territory. ("Young adult nursing home" makes me think of a bunch of old ladies sitting around reading Judy Blume books. Hah!) I do have a few months to figure it all out, but I know that time will arrive with mad speed, and all this crap takes so long with paperwork and such, a "few months" will pounce on me.