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    • CommentAuthorbadbear
    • CommentTimeMay 11th 2012
    the boo
    There is something wrong with me. Something in my ear or maybe my brain. I've seen a doctor about it once already, and after doing a load of co-ordination tests she shrugged and said it was probably maybe something to do with my ears and gave me some pills to help with the nausea. But now I'm out of drugs and the episodes of vertigo wake me up in the middle of the night and I'll be clinging to the bed like I'm going to fall off it and I should just go and speak to someone for gods sake I don't know why I'm being so lazy about it. Until I do, my hypochondriac brain will be making up all sorts of shit about what could be wrong with me.

    Brain stuff.

    I think I'm becoming more introverted, more private, more disaffected, more nihilistic, more cynical, more apathetic. Or maybe I've always been this way and I just kind of ignored it before. I think it is becoming harder for me to associate with other human beings and open up to them. It's always taken me a long while to get to know someone but lately I haven't really felt the need to make the effort, and it's not that i don't want to hang out with anyone at all, it's just that I find it harder to... I don't know. Empathise? with regular people. I've got no time for small talk, I don't like dressing up to go out and I generally find socialising stressful and annoying rather than fun. I smoke compulsively in social situations to hide my extreme awkwardness, even though I don't smoke at all the rest of the time.

    None of this would matter, but I know that my buckling to my increasing inclination to stay at home and chill instead of stressing myself out around other people means that it is becoming even harder to do than before. And I'm not challenging myself. And I just feel kind of itchy and dissatisfied all the time. And honestly, I've got fuck all going on in my life and I should really do something about that, even though it's more comfortable by far to sit at home and do home stuff.

    the huzzah
    I'm visiting an old school friend this weekend who I haven't seen in a year in a vague effort to reach out to other human beings (see above). I have been a pretty shitty friend to her really, but she seems to put up with me so hopefully touching base like this will help restore some semblance of my sanity.

    the applause
    @dorkmuffin and others experiencing the sads- Try to remember it's not real. It's just a thing that's happening in your brain. It won't last forever. And i hope you feel better soon.
    @vornaskotti: Congratulations on the award, that really is something. And I'm sorry to hear about your troubles... I mean 14 years... I don't even.
  1.  (10661.22)
    @Peter Kelly

    Hah, appreciated :)

    @Everybody else

    Thank you :)
  2.  (10661.23)
    Frazzled. Work is relentless, wasted the holiday weekend by being ill then getting drunk in my shed so wrote off the Monday, have been chasing my tail for weeks and not getting anywhere. Have a magazine to get to pre-press at the end of Monday and far too many loose ends and sign offs outstanding for comfort. Need to try and catch up tomorrow, but can't get VPN working and the helpdesk seemingly haven't got a clue how to reset my PIN... Seem to be doing nothing but gargle in the rat race choir, can't even think straight. Am gaining weight and turning shabby, need to fight that and fight to stay upright.

    Kids are doing my head in too. They've been really pushing it this week, fighting and kicking off about stuff, and me being exhausted and crabby when I get back and find them running rings around my partner and being obnoxious doesn't help as I've been snapping. I tried a gentle reading of the riot act last night, tried to explain why they were causing so much stress and asking them to think about how they were behaving. Fat lot of bloody use, it seems, so I'm reverting back to Victorian Dad and banning the Wii until further notice. We all need to calm down though, too much aggro.

    First world problems - I've burned my entire mobile broadband data bundle, 3gb, accidentally today by leaving a live stream of the Leveson enquiry running for nine hours. I wasn't even fucking watching it, or even listening, so a little silent Rebekah Brooks has knocked me off the internet during the working day (work network connection is so locked down as to be pointless) until fucking June. I'm not happy about this. Garden is a swamp as well, totally waterlogged, slugbastards have even got into my propagators and eaten all my dahlia seedlings and I hate them .


    Partner is well at the moment and still pregnant, so qualified, quiet huzzah. We're both still terrified that something will go wrong though, I just really want this over with. We're getting on, mostly, though, which is pleasing
    I mended the tumble drier instead of buying a new one.

    The sound of two hands clapping:
    @Vornaskotti - sorry for your woes, hope you can pick a path through it.
    @people with sads - hang in, hang on, keep on keeping on. It gets better, and remember if it's passed before, it will pass again.
    • CommentTimeMay 11th 2012
    The Bad: Have been overwhelmed with too many gigs with the same deadlines piled on, started drinking/partying too much to unwind and this resulted in a horrible night of anger, tears and stupidly blacking out and telling people my secrets. Basically, the first time in about eight months that I had a crack in my hard candy coating of non-emotions and they all came tumbling out. Spent the past week trying to stop the flood and put myself back together. Still have too many unanswered emails, deadlines to meet, reasons to feel worthless. All I want to do is sleep and my brain shuts itself off sometimes when I'm at my desk due to overwhelming panic.

    The Good: I've done a lot of work I'm proud of. I have a lot of plans for the future. I have a crush on someone and we flirt sometimes and this makes me smile when I am lost in my head. There are good things afoot, good plans, good schemes enacting. The weather is getting warmer and I'm planting herbs and flowers in my backyard.

    The Applause:
    @Oldhat - fuck yea, amazon woman!
    @razrangel - I'm sorry you're in the middle of such a storm of sad. Hang in there and keep moving forward!

    Same goes to the rest of you.
    • CommentTimeMay 11th 2012
    Hey, all. I could use a second of complaining, though I admit I never have problems paramount to complain about.

    So the boo: I've oft complained about my love life, which I understand probably means it's something about what I'm doing wrong and not a reflection of the state of dating culture in my area, but right now I have two main problems that are otherwise untouchable by my other social groups.

    Two women I'm kind of in love with are pretty much gone for good from my life. Neither of whom I had any chance of being requited. One of whom I've had feelings for over...five years, I think? Never lost the bug. Never boned up and told her so. No reason to--her life is pretty awesome without me, and I doubt I'd make it better.

    The other was in my degree program over the last two years I've attended, for whom I've had mixed feelings for/about, but in the past few months they've become very solid. Let me tell you a story:

    We, and other friends in the major, just finished a class on the history and practice of Buddhism. In this class, there was a self-important, self-involved, annoying, stupid, shitty asshole who would often diatribe about shit that was pointless, repeat himself...he was "that guy." Where I am normally pretty forgiving, this guy got on everyone's nerves so goddamned hard, there was no way to rehabilitate him in the eyes of we, the Philosophy Department Lackey Circle. So we have this paper due--the assignment is basically write about any tenant of Buddhism that interests you. Before turning it in, this guy goes into the most self-centered diatribe about how HARD and how CRAZY it was to write about the eight-fold path OMG IT WAS SO DIFFICULT GAWD YOU CAN'T IMAGINE (this went on for about four minutes).

    In a moment too beautiful and glorious for words, this girl, who is sitting right next to him, in a frank and almost-too-loud voice says, "SOUNDS ROUGH." And the entire class erupted in laughter, including the professor, almost in a cruel, grade-school way, but in response to this perfect, "Shut up you stupid asshole, nobody cares and you are taking up our time talking about your stupid bullshit." It was amazing; she managed to pack half a semester of loathing annoyance into two simple, poetic words.

    It was that moment that I realized that she was a beautiful, if cruel, awesome, genius. And now she's graduating. And has a boyfriend. And is moving home. So that sucks a lot.

    So, y'all know me, sadboy etc.

    I've some good though: I'll be working full time over the summer, making back a lot of the financial aid money I've spent and making my life a lot more comfortable.

    Last night I hosted the first-in-years Philosophy Department party and it was great! I cleaned my whole house and made a bunch of food and everyone was happy and awesome.

    I'm joining back with some old band mates, minus the douche that ruined the old band. I'm stoked as fuuuck.

    And summer comes in time for me to readreadread. I wanna read Anti-Oedipus by Delueze and Guattari, Candide, I have a philosophy of film textbook to read, I've just ordered Cinema 1 and 2 by Delueze and The World Viewed by Cavell. Should be...fascinating, provided I actually do it (unlike last summer).



    @Glu Speaking as someone who has a lot of trouble doing this, keeping larger-plan oriented is a way of escaping a lot of anxiety around day-to-day stuff at manageable levels. You're not burning bridges; people fuck up and you have time and opportunity to fix it. It's cool, you're cool, it'll be cool.

    That's the only specific Applause I have, but I applaud you all because you're great. Sorry for the long post.
  3.  (10661.26)
    The Suck:
    Tired way too often blah blah blah, not enough hours at work blah blah blah, netbook is pretty much dead and in netbook heaven blah blah blah. I suppose the usual upset at myself for not drawing would apply but I think I'm at the point of not caring anymore. I went on a date today, didn't have much in expectations, my suspicions for his lack of education and intelligence was confirmed. I was thinking that maybe he was dyslexic or something, but no. I'm not experiencing the sads so much, more of a not giving a shit. Actually, there is one thing that is rant worthy. My dad bumped into the fellow that I went on a date once with (at the fellow's job) and was much too friendly. Because my dad doesn't understand that boundaries are a good thing and should be respected. *headdesk* Amusingly, one of the very things I ranted about when talking to the psychologist today.

    The Win:
    I got to hang out with one of my guyfriends and his roommates and there was guitar and uke playing and singing and random chatter and coffee. Good times! And invites to stop by and hang out whenever I'm in town. It's a very artsy collective sort of place with artists who are also musicians and musicians who are also artists and general creativeness oozing from the pores of the place. Also bumped into the fellow I once went on a date with and then later dates never worked out and he's supposed to text me tomorrow and we're going to hang out or something. (Unless he doesn't, which I won't mind much either because I've decided that worrying about boy things really isn't worth it.)

    Have been meeting with a psychologist, and so far it hasn't sucked. Might even be helpful. Yay! I am playing the Uke again, and can play like two songs decently, two songs poorly, and and I'm hoping to figure out how to play a song by Fever Ray, which will probably involve tinkering around on piano first? I might have a friend do clapping for the song (or some basic percussion). Regardless, I have to trim the nails short on at least one of my hands for work, and my boss is insisting I perform at an open mic sometime, so that will probably happen. Should be fabulously embarrassing.

    Saucy Apples:
    @keyofsilence: It probably just takes time to be all zoom on the bicycle. I imagine you'll be whizzing past people soon enough.

    @razrangel: Hugs hugs hugs hugs. So much bad shit! So very sorry to hear it. I highly suspect once things slow down, the voice acting stuff will start going again.

    @fellow depressives/experiencers of the sads: This too shall pass is something I tell myself whenever I have a mood. Hugs to all of you, because, well, you deserve it.

    @Oldhat: You are an awesome beer loving Amazon. Kick-Ass.

    @tedcrolad: One of the best things I've learned about myself is that as tantalizing and fun the concept of dating and relationships are, not being attached to anyone is pretty fucking cool too. And wanting someone is overrated shit. Find a way to move on (that doesn't involve wanting someone else). Find ways to enjoy and celebrate the awesome of singleness. Like flirting without consequence. And being as selfish as you want when it comes to what you feel like doing, and eating, and well, whatever. Because fucking hell, that entire can't be a whole person until you're in a couple bullshit that we are trained to believe in from childhood? Really sucky stuff. You are a cool dude, and why not just relish in the fact that you're a cool person, and you don't need someone pretty/amazing/whatever to tell you that with longing gazes.

    And next time you do meet a girl you fancy, just tell her. Get it out, and get it over with. She might even like you and had no clue (the amount of times this has happened to me...cries). And this:
    No reason to--her life is pretty awesome without me, and I doubt I'd make it better.
    kill that thinking dead. It is lies! Remember, you are awesome! Ok?
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeMay 11th 2012
    The Boo(?): Tonight I'm spending the first night outside of my old home, which is kinda weird. On one hand, it's good we sold the house and we're going to have that debt out of our lives, but the whole fam's feeling a little off from it.

    Also, I'm still recovering from a really bad cold, and let me tell ya--moving huge objects is not fun when you're short of breath and hacking up unholy green shit from your lungs.

    The Huzzah: My final project hasn't been graded yet, but I can say with certainty that I passed my class for this semester; and now that I have a better handle of what I'm going for, I'm planning on getting the right classes I need for my degree.

    The Applause:

    ...I had a few going but then I saw that @trini_naenae said pretty much the same thing to a lot of people on there. So...applause for us apparently sharing the same brain. You poor, unfortunate soul.
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2012
    THE GOOD: Have welcomed several 'chappellers into the fold at Weaponizer as editors, and it's great to see the boost this has given us in terms of page views, comments, and new voices on the site. The launch of the magazine has gone well so far, although not as quickly as I'd hoped - am dealing with delays from the stockists and printers both in the UK and the US, which is a little frustrating. I had hoped that copies would be mailed out quickly as soon as the publication went live, but various practical considerations have left me trailing behind a bit. Hopefully this will all be cleared up over the next week or so, and I can start mailing out the domestic orders, and publicising the US distributors. I'm still counting this in the WIN column though - teething problems were bound to be a factor. I've also had good news about some of my writing, which has been shortlisted for a prize for unpublished authors. I'm currently trying to justify the expense of travelling to London for the announcement of the winner.

    THE BAD: Everyone dealing with issues of depression - I feel you. It's a constant in my life, and often has nothing to do with the actual practical realities of my situation. Even confronted with evidence of your own abilities and accomplishments, you can still feel worthless. I'm in a place where I just distrust my judgements of people and of myself... I know things cannot be as negative as they seem, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm always letting someone down, or fucking things up. I've always felt like I was a disappointment to my friends and family. I spent some time in analysis last year, and although I gave it up because I felt like things were getting better, I still feel like I have work to do in terms of figuring out why I am who I am, and what that means. It's a constant, ongoing process. I don't have the money right now to go back and see someone, but I feel like it would help, so I'm really hoping to get a paying job soon. That in itself is a tough task. A minimum wage admin job I applied for the other week had 700 applicants in four days. I can scrape together enough freelance work to pay the rent, but it doesn't leave much for anything else, let alone paying an analyst's fee. I guess I should count myself lucky, at least we have the NHS here, and psychiatric referrals to doctors who charge on a pay-what-you-can basis are available. The idea of facing these kinds of feelings in a culture with no NHS is frankly terrifying. To everyone in that situation or one like it, I extend my deepest sympathy.

    THE HUZZAH: Congrats to Robin for the TV appearance - may it be the first of many! Also, bravo Fauxhammer for addressing some of the issues I was talking about before, that's a brave move and I wish you all the best with it.
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2012
    kill that thinking dead. It is lies! Remember, you are awesome! Ok?

    I would sort of almost consider tattooing this on my forehead. I think this applies to a LOT people in this forum (but especially the circumstances for which this advice was dispensed).

    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2012
    *fistbump* texture
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2012
    More Huzzah: I just got confirmation that I did indeed pass my class--not only that, I passed far better than what I expected.

    Massive Boo: It seems like we have ticks in the new house. We've only seen maybe three or four of them, most of them on the roof, but what I've heard mi madre say about them's making me more than a little paranoid.

    If any of y'all have any tips on how to take care of ticks would be very helpful.
  4.  (10661.32)
    Sorry. This is long. I'm wobbly in the head from all the headaches, and, well, life just keeps happening to me and I'm not sure how to deal.

    The Awful:

    I'm pretty much drowning financially. I've tallied all my bills, and I am over $2000 in debt, and it's growing. In the grand scheme of things it's not a lot of money to be indebted to, but after rent and phone I only have something like $15 a month left.

    I can't go to doctors because I owe them money. I've been researching social programs or housing options but there's just nothing. I may end up living in the projects or a group home for the mentally ill or something. I can't physically or financially move again. But I can't keep it up the way I'm living.

    And then there's my health stuff.

    I've been talking online with other people who've been to the fancy medical facility I'll be going to. I'm most likely facing a series of surgeries. If my spine isn't stable (which it isn't), just fixing the back of my skull won't be effective, and may make things worse, so they opt for neck and/or spinal fusion in addition to the brain/skull surgery. However, there's a genetic degenerative joint disorder, Ehler Danlos Syndrome, which is usually present if there's both scoliosis and Chiari Malformation, and that makes healing go slowly and tissues not stay taught, which even further complicates the stabilization. Also, it seems my mother's very rare genetic degenerative hip joint disease is comorbid with osteogenesis imperfecta (as seen in Unbreakable). Chances are, I am facing a long painful road and I will be need to be held together by a lot of metal.

    Also, looking at my MRIs, it would appear that have a syrinx in my spinal column. That's pretty bad, and adds even more complications.

    Also, It seems that sometimes, when there's spinal instability and issues with cranial pressure, in addition to fusing your neck vertebrae, the doctors just... remove parts of your cerebral tonsils to make room.


    but all of this is secondary. The surgery itself isn't so scary, and isn't really what emotionally hits me. I can be pragmatic about my flesh being sliced up and put back together. It's that I'm going this alone. I don't mean to belittle the role that my internet friends play in my life, because it's definitely helped me survive and I love you for it, but... christ. I've got nobody around. No friends, no family.

    I can't psychologically have my family in my life right now. My entire life has been taken from me. I was a fucking brilliant child, and tomboy athletic. Reading the same books as my babysitter and the only girl who could climb the rope in gym class who only played with boys at recess. Memorizing Hamlet for fun when I was 10. Getting the lead in every single play, always.

    But my folks both went on to their their own new lives and their new spouses and I was left to myself. They ignored me, told me I was lazy and wanted to be ill and was making it up, couldn't be bothered and wouldn't help me get my meds and dismissed my claims of pain. I did this to myself by wearing my backback on one shoulder, or I didn't do my back exercises like I was supposed to.

    It's not just that they fucked up. They fucked up, blamed me, and won't admit it, wouldn't respond to my pleas, and have sat by and let me suffer ever worsening and permanent nerve/vision/brain damage for the past 15 years. I really can't forgive them for that.

    My entire life. swallowed away.

    Old friends who all swore they'd be there for me have moved away, or gotten married and their wives don't like me, or just faded with time. I've befriended some awesome people since I've been back in NYC this past year, but, um, well, I don't feel I am at a comfortable friend stage with anyone to ask so much. I've one friend still nearby, but she's REALLY married and planning her pregnancy. I don't know what I will do when I get out of the hospital. Can I stay living in this apartment with cochroaches, occasional mice, drunken weekends, and cigarettes? Who will help me walk to the bathroom, or wash my hair, or bring me food, or do my laundry while I've got staples in my skull and stitches down my spine?

    That is what drives me to tears.

    It's taken me too long. And everyone went away. Everyone got compassion fatigue.

    I'm just so fucking tired. I missed my chance for an adventurous life. I've not been on a plane since 1995. That kills me. And I can't fucking keep fighting just to stay afloat while I have to face all this health stuff and the solitude it promises.

    The Awful Good:

    Well, I got over my weeks of panic and finally sent in the CDs of my brain MRIs to the fancy brain place. Also, there was this email I've been obsessing and revising and wondering and waiting over for months, and I finally just fucking sent it to the boy of yore who broke my heart. Fuck it. I can't cling to bullshit. I've got to get the fuck on with it. With everything.

    Also, I finally "got" and installed Lion and Lightroom 4. Now I can add watermarks to my photographs with ease and without losing the EXIF data, and I'm sort of stupid excited about that. I also took apart and fixed the annoying loud fan in my ancient Dell notebook.

    Also, I'm looking forward to getting back on painkillers. I know it will make all the doom and gloom I'm feeling right now much more manageable.

    Also, I've finally gotten my room situated and caught up on all my paperwork and have been scanning and uploading and tweaking and drawing etc like a mother fucker.

    Also, I think the world is trying to turn me into a supervillan. Today's pain is being treated with a corset and a cane. Soon I'll have a scar down my back and an eyepatch again. Osteogenesis Imperfecta may run in my genes, and I spent a good deal of my childhood obsessed with comic books and the color purple. Perhaps I really am destined to become an evil genius.

    Also, I've been talking to a lot of people on the Chiari Malformation facebook page and it's wonderful just to be able to share similar experiences. I'd posted a link to the site that I found on here, and it was quite a hit because of it's live graph of barometric pressure. (shifts in air pressure make the cranial pressure hurt terribly, you see).

    The Clapping:

    @texture - thank you for your sympathies. no NHS really is the ass.
    @tedcroland - what trini said.
    @ JP - a quiet good luck to the quiet good thing.
    @govspy - "Lupus like" is so fucking vague and awful, but really, it could be any number of auto-immune things, which attack at differing degrees.
    @dorkmuffin - gosh. thanks for the preemptive good wishes!
  5.  (10661.33)
    @Rachael - thank you. And, eHugs. Heartbreaking that you have to go through this without proper support.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeMay 13th 2012
    The Shit: The worst I can say right now is that I feel like I'm creatively dried up and blown away on the wind. It's a little disconcerting.

    The Awesome: My weekend started out with seeing Roger Water's do The Wall in SF (I always knew that album was fucked but seeing his animations for the songs really drove it home), yesterday was spent celebrating the soon-to-be-baby for one of my best men (which was especially poignant since this is the second time he and his wife have been expecting but the last one did not go well), and today I watched the kid and gave the wife the day off from parenting for Mother's Day.

    The Hug: @rachael I'm sorry for your situation, lady. You have my emotional support, whatever that's worth from across the nation.
    • CommentAuthorCrusherJoe
    • CommentTimeMay 14th 2012
    The Boo: Horribly mundane, but in the same week the dryer died and the air conditioning, while the bank discovered fraudulent charges on my account. No word on a resolution yet, but my kind roommate and landlord is depending on rent to get these things taken care of and he's such a nice guy that I hate that it feels like I've dropped the ball. It's not oh-god-it's-July-in-North-Carolina hot, so there's that, but I'm totally in the negative at the bank and things are a little hairy until payday.

    The Huzzah: I would never have done this if she'd had an office full of people as it's bad form, but I went to a commercial audition at my agent's office, and asked about other projects I'd heard rumblings about. Before I left, I'd read for a Time Warner commercial, Army Wives, Banshee and Homeland. Can't ask for more than that. And booking a gig would solve some money problems.

    The Applause: @Rachel I tried to think of a few things that might make you laugh or smile, but just sounded pithy and inadequate when I read them, so I decided to just go with telling you I tried. Much respect for what you're dealing with.
  6.  (10661.36)
    Gosh, I know this is the venting thread, but fuck, I feel like such a dramatic killjoy.

    But here, have some more! :D

    The Boo:

    Yesterday I'd spent 7 straight hours at the computer and on the phone calling, leaving messages, doing research, and trying desperately to find some means of finding a way to afford a place to live on Disability. It was a monumental failure, and it's become a reality that really might end up staying in a shelter for a few months so I can get on the list for subsidied housing, because that's how it works.

    Instead of staying home in tears, I decided to get the fuck out. I've not been out socially in weeks. At around 3am I arrived at the only bar I go to these days, where I know the bartender (as being an art school student with my mom when I was 7, and then by chance, as a co-bartender with me at a jazz cafe 10 years ago). We go back. He, a fellow I've grown to know through him, and a woman roughly my age were chatting. They brought up the attractive-but-too-old gentleman I'd become friends with these past few months. The gentleman I was introduced to by my bartender so we could share cab rides home. The one who kinda sorta slid me into a date without me realizing until it was too late (but hey, I got to see Shatner on stage). The one who left his fancy air mattress on my stoop so I didn't have to sleep on the floor. The one who offered to give me an almost free place to live if I need it. These are all really kind things, and I don't really have friends around that offer that sort of kindness, even if I do feel awkward accepting. And yeah, I did crash at his place that one night, and we did take Xanax before we crashed, and I did end up waking up in a blurry make out that I don't really know how it started, but ... eh, I shouldn't have slept in his bed, I suppose, and I must have less tolerance than I thought I did. And yeah, it does make the notion of being his almost free roommate a terrible idea, I suppose, but the way things are looking, I've started to consider it. I nearly stopped by his house on my way out to ask if it really was a possibility, a platonic possibility, and trying to figure out how to explain to him that he was too old for me without hurting his feelings.

    So these three people at the bar, they are mentioning this older fellow, and the woman tells this tale of how she crashed at his place one time, and she had the EXACT SAME pills/crash/blurry-touchy experience I did, down to some of the EXACT SAME gritty details which I won't mention.


    At the very end of the night, I explained my similar tale to the bartender, and he said "that's kinda rape."

    yeah. I wouldn't use the term "rape," but still, that's creepy-sad.

    Maybe I will let that fellow loan me $500 like he'd offered. And then not feel guilty. And then never hang out with him again. (but I probably won't)

    The Yay:

    Thank fuck I didn't see the older fellow last night, and thank fuck I went out and happened to overhear this woman tell her tale.

    Also, getting out and being social last night was really overdue and lovely.

    Also, it seems that slapping on a corset and drinking a small bit of whiskey is AWESOME for my back when it's seized. Today I feel fabulous.

    Also, my bartender friend lives nearby, and we've decided we shall hang out!

    Also, I get to volunteer at WFMU again this week! Yay! (if you listen, they might mention my name on the air again!)

    Clapitty clap clap!

    @JP, RenThing, & Crusher Joe - Thanks for the well wishes. I do appreciate it! :D
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 16th 2012
    The War on Terra:

    Bit of a weird one, this: On Friday, after coming home from a NA meeting (where once again, I was the only fucker not clean), I was a snarling, angry, world-hating, resentful, and probably, shitty looking human. I had flu, I was withdrawing, and I was, generally, in a real bad way. I'd been to a second-hand comic shop, and I spent my time in there cursing the twats (they are twats, I know the owner - coke-snorting twat!), because they charge too much for old comics.

    Anyway, when I got indoors, after walking past my lovely, such-fond-and-awful-horrible-memories crackhaus from a decade ago, I just couldn't see the point in going on. I've reached a point where I'd be rather dead, and just cut to the chase, than go back to the slow-death of active using. So, feeling utterly hideous, I came to a decision to kill myself. I understand suicide well. I've been there before, and the way I see it, when everything is shite you feel like you've got no control over anything - apart from your own mortality. It's the ultimate form of making some simplicity out of all the garbage. Life and death, simple. I live alone (thank fuck, I don't really like people and all their stupid mechanics), I'm not in a relationship (thank fuck, I'm too mentally immature), so I wouldn't be doing it for attention or any shite like that.

    I hadn't decided how I'd do it; drowning is quite a good one, so I put my demise on hold, and instead I took a load of them Subutex opioid things, got a shit buzz on and ended up playing stupid computer games. Saturday came, and I took more, hating myself for fucking-up my detox regime. Sunday, I'd forgotten about suicide (see, fickle bastard), and I decided not to take any more pills, not until the withdrawals returned.

    I got through to Monday, and was feeling rough, but not as rough as I'd thought I'd be. I went out for a little walk, ate, and got my head down to more soul-numbing TV. But I didn't take any opioid crap. I've still got a bit of flu, but I thought I'd be withdrawing like mad by now. I thought to myself: I've gone this far, why take some now? Tuesday came, I took no opioid muck...

    It's now Wednesday, and I'm four-fooking-days-clean! You are the first people I've told, I've not seen a soul for five days. I feel, and look, demented, but bollocks to that.

    Isn't it good to be lost in the woods:


    I'm not really a sociopath:

    Mutated mind-waves of positivity to any going through some hard stuff.
    • CommentTimeMay 16th 2012
    Attaboy, Flecky.
  7.  (10661.39)
    @Flecky Awesome!!
  8.  (10661.40)
    Flecky, you glorious man!

    And as to suicide, it's really only worth it once there isn't any chance that things could get better. This will sound trite, but what kept me going when I was 16-19 (a really really really emotionally terrible time in my life, and still rates as one of the very worst periods I've ever had) was reading monthly comics (Sandman, to be specific, which is probably why I deified it so). I needed to find out what happened. I put so much love into that fucking storyline, that I let it keep me waiting another month. Granted, it put me in a really weird headspace that I couldn't explain to anyone when the last issue came out when I was 19 or 20.... but by then, the horrible time was pretty much over, and by the time things got bad again, I found Preacher. Obsession can be a good thing.

    These days, I just focus on the fact that I don't believe in an afterlife, and that I HAVE to keep going and make things get better because the bastards that have fucked me over will never get any come-uppence, will never pay for their crimes, will never ever feel the guilt they should, unless I am around to make them do so. And maybe I won't ever get THOSE bastards specifically, but I might be able to help someone else from falling prey as I have.

    It's not the most .... um... serene of outlooks, but fuck it. It keeps me going. Vengeance and spite.

    Good luck my man. Good luck. You are one of the ones I worry about.