Wed, 22 May 2013 11:28:33 -0700 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla 1.1.4 & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332714#Comment_332714 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332714#Comment_332714 Mon, 28 May 2012 14:32:32 -0700 Horrible Warning Si
The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

Begin. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332719#Comment_332719 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332719#Comment_332719 Mon, 28 May 2012 16:35:56 -0700 razrangel
That's why her phone call to me was so destructive on Thursday. There had been a breakdown and a union rule was in danger of being violated. I committed to protecting the rule even though it makes life a lot harder. But she was so pissed off that it was even threatened that the phone call was about ten times longer than necessary, more emotionally fraught and made me realize that she and I define "respect" differently. I had respected her. Now I understand I can't rely on her to be an adult about things. It's so frustrating - and kind of hurtful - to find this in the workplace. And it really fucking sucks when the workplace is completely artistic (and by the way no money, really, and zero compensation in any other direction). No, she is not going to see it our way. No she is not going allow people to learn from things that happened. Yep, she's going to work herself into a tizzy and they get mad that the situation even existed that got her so worked up. And Yep, that's going to be my problem because I have to talk her down and she won't be talked down until she sees/hear that I'm as concerned by the situation as she is. WHICH IS BULLSHIT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.

The thing that happened? It's a thing. And it definitely required attention. Everything else after that? emotional fallout. It's not in my job description to go through a certain emotional odyssey in order to get shit done. It's just not. And this is the same person who demanded that we not waste her time. But what does she like do during rehearsal? Stop and take tangential routes because they get her through her process. I am very appreciative of an artist's process. I totally get it takes work for an actor to take in the script and blocking and other technical things and put out something creative and amazing. I know it takes time and effort. It also takes time and effort for the production team to do everything necessary to build a show. But the support structure this actor wants must be in existence from the moment she dreams it up, or we're wasting her time. What hypocritical bullshit is that?!

So that phone call? It took nearly a half hour. And it was a few hours before my Japanese final. And because of the emotional odyssey bullshit I was still worked up when I needed to get back to studying and head in to the final. So what happened? I could barely focus. My studying was horked and when I got to the final I was totally blank. I don't suck at taking tests. I'm not the best at it ever, but I do well academically. I always have. I just don't function well when my emotions are big fucking mess. And there I was at my final exam for Japanese 204, still seething about a fucking phone call. If I failed the test... ARGH. I don't want to think about it.

This weekend was different. She wasn't a problem this weekend. Instead we shot video that'll be used in the play (experimental, expressionistic, multimedia FTW!!) And that took for fucking ever. 13.5 hours on Saturday, 15 hours on Sunday. I have to admit the director worked her ass off. I did maybe half of what she did, and most of it was sitting down while she was running around lighting, filming, setting up, tearing down, etc. I do NOT know a thing about filming. And this weekend reminded me why I sought a degree in theatre rather than cinema. I don't know anything about anything when it comes to making a good video recording. And I don't care about knowing it. So the director had a MUCH tougher weekend than me. But it was still long and painful and because I'm not a filmic person, I spent nearly every minute thinking about how much I didn't want to be there. Usually hours like these are for tech weekends. But tech is next week, so the proper bitching has not even begun!

2. Today is my one day off. It's Memorial Day. It's Monday. The family is getting together at the house and barbeque'ing and my mom has already (repeatedly) asked for my help. I'm dodging leaving my room or putting on shoes because... it's my day off goddammit. I go back to the theater tomorrow and every day after until we open the motherfucker; first weekend of opening ends June 10th. So I won't get another day off for two weeks.

I'm making the most of kicking back. Thinking about shit I haven't had the time to think about for a long while. Feeling a little bit creative up in the brain pan. feeling a little booty-licious down south of that. Just a little. More than the flat zero I've been feeling for over a month. Because it's Memorial Day my Twitter and facebook are awash in little, contained nuggets of thanks for veterans, living and deceased. And therefore I'm awash in complicated feelings. In my life anywhere I've lived I've observed only two parades held for remembering war dead. The last one was while I was in high school and it was designed to lead the parade participants and observers to a fair where people could pay to ride little rides, or eat BBQ. Since then my community has move more toward the fairs and BBQs and away from remembrance. Oh, but along comes social media to remind people as they check in with friends about their picnics and so the mode becomes to toss off a "thanks to all who served" and then check the patties on the grill.

(Cutting here for length - whoa there is an actual character limit!) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332720#Comment_332720 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332720#Comment_332720 Mon, 28 May 2012 16:36:46 -0700 razrangel I grew up listening to my father's war stories (a seaman in the Pacific '44-45). It doesn't escape my grasp that it was clear to me how much hated war and how humans set themselves against each other and yet somehow that translated to my brothers that the should try a stint in the military. Well, they never asked me. I could see how stressed they were as they headed to basic so I kept my anti-war commentary to myself. I wasn't going to be the confrontational hippy, trapping people into painful discussions and creating dissension instead of breeding communal understanding. So I prayed to God that they would come from Iraq and Afghanistan safe and sound. Because I believe in community and I love my brothers, and thus if their side of things was to fight and possibly die then my side of things was to make sure they were asked to do that when absolutely needed. I still thing war is clearly a failure somewhere in the process. But I know for certain now that there are people who don't want the process of peace and justice to succeed, period. And they wear my flag and claim to speak for me.

If all the people posting thanks did something more like contributing to groups working to heal returning veterans, integrating them in the workforce and/or getting them to school I would take seriously their feelings; if all the people who say they respect and honor men and women in uniform agitated to make certain we only sent them into causes that manifestly protected America and OPENLY RESISTED efforts to send them to places where we're not sure that was the truth... their words would not be empty rhetoric.

These kinds of holidays always bring out my inner cynic because I love my country and my brothers. It's not ironic, it's not precious, it's love. It's the opposite of everything that makes me want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and forget everything exists. It makes getting up and getting work worth all the hassle.

That's enough from me. So much more on my mind, but I should hand over the mic, as they (might) say. Thanks for reading...

3. appears no one else has posted yet so... on to the BBQ. Back later to give virtual hugs... ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332787#Comment_332787 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332787#Comment_332787 Tue, 29 May 2012 11:48:51 -0700 Fauxhammer
-Started on Concerta today. It's brought about a sea change in my brain, a very good one. I just wish I'd asked for a hand sooner.

Aw FOCK

-My wife was in a car accident last week. She's fine, but the wee Yaris may be totaled. Hey, you can replace a car, right?

Aww YOU GUYYYYS

-@razrangel: Keep taking the high road with your colleague. Watch some 30 Rock if it helps you decontextualize divas. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332792#Comment_332792 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332792#Comment_332792 Tue, 29 May 2012 12:20:07 -0700 flecky
Fuck, what have I signed-up for?! I went for my initial assessment for suitability for going into rehab this morning. The meeting with the professional went as well as it could, I guess. I told her the skinny, all my past shit etc. The next thing she has to do is take my case to a committee to apply for funding; this should happen over the next two weeks. Then it has to be seen if there are beds available in places suitable for me. Ideally, I want to go to somewhere where they do the twelve-step program, but more importantly, where there is fucking trees, plants, rivers, oceans, mountains, koala bears and NO FUCKING POLICE SIRENS AND CITY FILTH!! Even as I tap this in, it's all I can seem to hear, sirens in the street, and it's doing my head in. But even if this comes together, I've got to go into a place in London called The Max Glatt Unit for detox. Bugger, this place sounds awful...

Searches (I don't mind that), limited contact with other patients (fair enough), but NO SMOKING in the unit? Bastards! It says smoking will be arranged during escorted walks in smoking shelters on the hospital grounds, and Nicotine Replacement Therapy is provided.

It gets more daunting: No mobile phones, televisions, electronic games and COMPUTERS (NOOOOO!), are allowed, so I won't be able to check in here. I'll take in a few books, graphic novels etc. I'll also take in my NA literature, do some step-work. Fuck it, I'll take in a notebook and write a really sick, perverted, pornographic, horrible book that will make Naked Lunch seem tame, even though my grammar is utter shite! I don't know, maybe I'll meet a sick nurse up for debauchery in bleach-stinking-toilets. They have the odd groups there, thank fuck. I can be quite good in those things, as I actually worked in a rehab (drama teacher etc), when I was younger. They have a NA meet there, too, so I'll be able to see some people I've met over the past year.

I had a HIV, syphilis, and hepatitis B test on Friday. I also had the pleasure of having a wooden urethral maggot attack done on me, which was nice! I don't think I've got any of those lovely things, but I needed to do it. They had to get a trained doctor in to get blood, as all my surface veins have collapsed.

Fucking Hell, I'm a monster!!!!

SET THE CONTROLS FOR THE HEART OF THE SUN

I'm pushing myself to get everything in order for all this: Cleaning my flat, sorting out new glasses, doing meets, eating well, enjoying the sunshine, sorting bills, reading, etc. I've recovered from relapsing last week. I've got a roof over my head. I'm listening to The Smiths, as I'm a soft git at heart. I'm also alive, which is the main thing.

INTERACTUS

@razrangel: Your words about war moved me, as my Grandfather was killed at sea by Nazi Bastards. All the best for your acting.
@Fauxhammer: I'm really glad your wife is ok. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332906#Comment_332906 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332906#Comment_332906 Wed, 30 May 2012 13:40:50 -0700 JP Carpenter
Early warning signs of depressive episode have appeared - have been really, really foul tempered for the last few days with no apparent reason, hostile to innocent people, weird nocturnal twitches, no concentration, and today, being unable to speak coherently in a couple of meetings. Shouldn't be happening - have been eating ok, getting exercise, and I've been fine for ages. I finally got on top of my workload as well last week, had an empty inbox for the first time this year and felt I was getting stuff done - this week it's all fallen down.

Going to do my bastard damndest to stop the slide (doesn't help that I haven't been eh, taking the tablets properly). A close family member has been diagnosed with MS as well, which I'm pretty cut up about.

The fucking wildlife keeps eating my fucking garden as well. Or digging it up. All my radishes and half my lettuces went. Bastards. I can't water it at the moment either, as the pipe to the outside tap burst. That's a job for Saturday...

Also keep losing things - a digital recorder, the tablet pen from my laptop, a 16gb SD card, a receipt for a £70 hotel room that I need to claim back, I don't know where any of these damn things are and I really bloody need them back.

HUZZAH

It's a four day weekend while the Queen celebrates 60 years on the throne by burning the bones of Oliver Cromwell in a wicker man and abolishing parliament, or whatever it is she's planning. I'm going to go and see my parents and sister, which is nice. I will be far from London, which is nicer.

APPLAUSE

@Flecky - good luck with getting into rehab
@Fauxhammer - technically, you can replace a wife as well as a Yaris, bit less convenient though. But I'm glad you don't have to.
@Razrangel - death to fevered egos. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332912#Comment_332912 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332912#Comment_332912 Wed, 30 May 2012 15:03:43 -0700 chiaslut
Like Mr. Carpenter, I can feel the depression/anxiety waiting in the wings. Sometimes I can beat it with luck or stubbornness, but other times all it takes it one seemingly small thing to open me up to it.
The babymama is pulling her usual financial manipulations regarding childcare. It's hard to imagine someone who handles their finances worse than I do, but ... there ya go. Just one of the reasons we're not married anymore.
Whichever local plants hate me have decided it's time to release it's pollen (plant bukkake?) into the air. Even with the usual barrage of allergy medication, my eyes itch like mad and my sinuses let the snot flow. Let the uncontrollable sneezing commence!
I went for a hike a few weeks ago and ended up with my legs from the knee below being covered in chigger bites (Warning: Scratching inducing images behind the link). It still itches!!
I still have massive anxiety around my job. I'm surrounded by super cool genius-level people, but I don't have a hard set of skills to sell. Just my chameleon-like adaptability. I feel like a fraud most of the time

The Sunny Side:

The flip side of the job is that it's really, really nice place to work and everyone is super nice. The CEO/founder is someone I used to work with at a different company and he's a just a solidly good person and has made it part of his job to populate this company with good people.
My son is happy and healthy, even though we ended up having to buzz all his lovely locks off due to lice. Fucking bugs, man!
My girl and I are eating better and I'm exercising more regularly. Helps with the depression/anxiety too.
Despite the allergy attacks, the weather here in the Pacific NW of the US is getting nicer and nicer. Just about time to start camping and kayaking.

Applause:

@Flecky - Best of luck gettin' into rehab. Any way we can send some reading material your way if you need it?
@Fauxhammer - Super happy your wife wasn't hurt in the bangup.
@everyone - thanks for sharing and letting me unload/share ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332961#Comment_332961 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332961#Comment_332961 Thu, 31 May 2012 05:53:03 -0700 texture As a result of the award I was nominated for, I've had a wee bit of interest in my novel from some professional sources. It looks like there's a slim chance I can actually sell this fucker, some way down the line... I'm aiming to wrap up the first draft by September. This is good, I feel like I have a mission now. Weaponizer Mag is selling well, despite a few probs with the US site which I'm still sorting out. I've sold nearly half of my stock, and am on the way to breaking even.

THE BAD
I still have no paying work apart from a little subediting for a local paper, so making rent this month could be tough. Going to the bank cap in hand tomorrow, which is always a bastard.

THE HUZZAH
My huzzahs are for Fauxhammer and Flecky. Faux, so glad your wife is okay, I read that sentence and actually spat coffee everywhere. Too close to fiction for my liking, thank fuck she's alright. Glad you're getting help too, and it's working. Fleck, go hard, stay cool. Keep on keeping on, my brothers and sisters of Whitechapel! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332970#Comment_332970 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332970#Comment_332970 Thu, 31 May 2012 09:00:33 -0700 oldhat
The crazy people seem to have come out here in the past few weeks. Clients at work are being weird, some of my mom's friends have been going absolutely paranoid and odd and putting out all the fires has worn us all out. We're not driven to drink much, but this week...well, we're looking forward to Friday and on my end, there's some amazing wheat beers that just came out.

[EDIT TO ADD: Just found out that one of the good people from a few years ago who I slipped out of contact with died in his sleep several days ago and was discovered by his roommates yesterday. He lent me Buffy DVDs, introduced me to a dining club and we played online chess. Weird thinking that he's gone. Shit.]

GOOD:

- Weight loss has been going well. Walking, folks. It helps. Soon I'll be back to bitching about losing 28lbs instead of 30. :P
- Recently reunited with an old friend after roughly 6 years (we saw each other two times in that time, the last being two years ago, but whatever). It was really good to see him and good to have that friend back in my life.
- Best friend was angry at me. Over it now. Yay.
- The Jalapeno plants are groooowing! Soon they'll be transplanted to the big garden outside. Looking forward to all the spicy food I'll be making with them!
- Shaping up to get a commercial editing job, which I haven't gotten in about two years. Pays quite well, so huzaah! Money for the Apartment Fund.

HUZZAH:

Faux, REALLY glad to hear that your wife is okay.
Flecky, Hang in there, man.
Texture, glad to hear that Weaponizer is selling well. :) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332973#Comment_332973 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=332973#Comment_332973 Thu, 31 May 2012 09:20:38 -0700 Fauxhammer
Not So Much: my appetite is dead.

Words on others:

@Texture: Good thing my Zoloft had kicked in; I was remarkably zen about the whole thing. Pre-psych drugs I'd have gone hiding again. Gratz on the book!
@Flecky: We're always pulling for you!
@oldhat: Getting back in with old friends owns. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333011#Comment_333011 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333011#Comment_333011 Thu, 31 May 2012 19:11:42 -0700 dorkmuffin
I've gotten occasional spam emails from porn shit with subject lines like "I've been thinking about you all day" and a picture of a cock that gets through my gmail spam filter, but today was actually kind of distressing and I don't know what to do.

I got a gchat request from a name I didn't recognize and said "okay allow them to chat" and later this evening received a video chat request. Naturally, I demanded that the person identify themselves or I'd block them (being suspicious). They didn't and then proceeded to say "I looked at ur pictures and am stroking my cock." I then blocked them and received two subsequent emails. One, much the same as the IM, the second, "Is that a no then?"

I'm kind of freaked out. Rationally I know this could be a spam bot but irrationally, I also know that this could be someone real. Who knows who I am. And I know that by being freaked out I'm totally gratifying whatever person is behind this, but I can't help but be freaked out.

Ugh.

I am straight up freaking out.

GOOD:

People liked my MDF photos. I got a ton of views on Flickr. Woo fucking hoo.

HUGS AND SUPPORT:

Everyone. I'm sorry, I'm not calling you out individually because all of you need a hug in one respect or another. I can't offer much real or useful support, but I'll do what I can do. Hugs to you all.


EDITED TO ADD:

Above situation, while not resolved, has progressed in my favor. I discovered that this was, indeed, a person. Not a spam bot. I know his first and last name, where he went to high school, and that he works for the army. Incidentally, he tried to friend me on Facebook earlier today and I never responded.

Somehow, he tracked down my private email address (not listed anywhere publicly) and started harassing me. Since we uncovered his identity, I received a second chat request in gmail from a different address, suspiciously like this asshole's name.

If he emails me again, I'm calling his fucking job. And reporting him. I have the power now, asshole.

(Also Taphead helped me through the beginning of the IP Address tracing process! SO BIG UPS TO TAPHEAD) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333025#Comment_333025 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333025#Comment_333025 Thu, 31 May 2012 23:39:12 -0700 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333032#Comment_333032 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333032#Comment_333032 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:37:51 -0700 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333047#Comment_333047 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333047#Comment_333047 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 05:43:15 -0700 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333075#Comment_333075 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333075#Comment_333075 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 12:04:09 -0700 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333090#Comment_333090 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333090#Comment_333090 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 14:05:40 -0700 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333092#Comment_333092 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333092#Comment_333092 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 14:43:14 -0700 flecky
Anyway, I really hope your not feeling as freaked-out now.

EDIT TO ADD: Just read your comment, don't give him the sick-satisfaction. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333102#Comment_333102 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333102#Comment_333102 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 15:39:44 -0700 JP Carpenter
@Sleestack: just remember that pretty much everyone else is hiding their feelings of inadequacy as well – even the ones who appear to be geniuses. The people who don't are probably dangerous fools anyway.

This is one of those intensely irritating Friday nights I want to do loads of stuff but I can't because I'm too knackered. So I'm just lying in my beanbag jabbering rubbish on Facebook, trying to get speech recognition software to work for me. I just can't think straight, or clearly at the moment, feels like somebody's sucked out the contents of my mind with a vacuum cleaner. Hope I can feel more coherent tomorrow, I've got loads to do in the garden to try and salvage something from this year's vegetable planting, and a great big pile of really boring admin to get through. At least it's the weekend. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333148#Comment_333148 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333148#Comment_333148 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 06:08:02 -0700 government spy Oh good god I just can't wait until I switch shifts in two weeks. I'm sick of getting up at 430am.

Tuesday night, me & the fiance had the most ridiculous argument. Not going to get into details, but you know how it is, if you haven't had an argument in a while, sometimes you just need to have one, and thank God it was stupid. But before we made up, I ended up sleeping on the couch, and didn't sleep at all, and missed work on Wednesday (my first workday of the week). And then, because I had shut off my alarm after calling in sick, my alarm didn't go off on Thursday, and I overslept. I woke up just in time to call a taxi, hop in the shower, get my uniform on, and run out the door. Friday, I woke up early, all bright and shiny, and in a wonderful mood, and wrote the fiance a beautifully romantic email, and everything was awesome. Friday night, I cooked Finagle's Brussel Sprouts, Walnuts & Bacon meal, and that was completely awesome.

Cheering section:

Flecky. As always, man, you fight the good fight. Keep it up. There are worst places than rehab, afterall. I look forward to reading your novel when you're done with it. Of course, my brain might melt like a Nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark afterwards, but it will have been worth it. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333155#Comment_333155 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333155#Comment_333155 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 06:39:40 -0700 Ricochet
My news can’t be divided neatly into bad and good because of how it’s all wrapped together so I’ll do bad/good for the stuff that started out shitty and calmed down and good/good for the pure gravy.


BAD/GOOD

End of 2010/start of 2011 I started getting sick. Long story short I caught some kind of virus, my arms got all hot and weird and lost all strength, my insides went completely nuts and I came this close to developing a permanent inflammatory condition. For a couple of months I thought I was going to have to quit my job and move back in with my parents. Luckily my body stopped it before it went that far and I slowly recovered with the aid of a super healthy diet and lots of exercise but I’ve still got one blood test score which makes relapsing into an inflammatory condition a possibility.
So on my doctor’s advice I’ve completely cut out caffeine and alcohol to avoid stressing my system. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage, any chocolate, or any caffeinated tea or coffee in over a year now.
It’s been going OK. I miss chocolate and booze but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them with the idea of permanent illness hanging over my head, and I’ve found some decent decaf coffees and teas so I’m doing alright.
There’s a chance my blood test score will reduce to where I’ll be able to drink again but there’s also a chance that it won’t so I’m not pinning my hopes on it. At least I got to drink my way across Europe with my brother before this happened, if nothing else I got to go to Octoberfest at least once.

In April of last year my Dad had some routine blood tests which returned a slightly elevated score. His doctor arranged a biopsy and they found some cancer cells in his prostate. They had caught it early, it was at a rather low level and initially the doctors thought they might be able to monitor it and it wouldn’t progress significantly during his life but then it developed a bit and they recommended surgery. This February my Dad had his prostate removed. The surgery went well, he’s recovered nicely and hasn’t had much in the way of some of the side effects men can experience as a result of such surgery.
Last month he got his first set of post-surgery blood tests back and there is currently no sign of cancer. I have weird superstitions about calling the universe’s attention to things like this by taking them for granted so I’m just relieved and grateful that things have gone well so far.

In November of last year we had to put my cat Pickles to sleep. He had always had a sensitive stomach but last year he started losing weight and eventually got to the point where his system just wasn't taking nutrients from his food any more. Once he stopped being able to get around comfortably we had to do the right thing and let him go. He was 14 years old and I had had him for exactly half of my life. He was my sweetheart and I miss him but we had a good long time together and I did what was right for him when he needed me to.

I know if I'd mentioned this stuff to my friends online when it was going on I would have got support and shared tales of similar personal experiences to allow me to contextualise what was going on but when shit happens to me I tend to keep it to myself so I can process it, then I want to deal with it before sharing and then once it's calmed down I sort of feel it's pointless to go on about it seeing as it's 'over' but here I am. It's just the way my brain works *shrug*

I feel I'm a much stronger person after what's happened. Being that sick taught me patience, the value of not worrying about things before they happen or if you can't do anything about them and a lot about who I am. It helped me deal with what was happening with my Dad, which I wouldn't have coped with so well as the person I was before I got sick.
It also gave me a tiny tiny idea of what things must be like for my fellow White Chaplains who live with chronic but invisible illnesses. When you don't look sick, people have trouble believing you can really be sick. I'm lucky in that I have family and friends who believed me without question and looked out for me. Some people don't have that and the strength they have to muster to get through this stuff by themselves is inconceivable. Love and respect to you all, I hope you find the support and treatment you require.


GOOD/GOOD

This December I’ll be going to Nepal with my father, brother, godfather and my godfather’s son (and probably some other people we know once they get themselves organised) to trek from Lukla to the base camp at Everest.
I’m really really excited about this. A bit nervous about the possibilty of altitude sickness and so on but who could say no to a chance to go trekking in Nepal? With Sherpas and pack yaks no less!
Lots of preparatory exercise to do so I’m in decent shape for it but there’s lots of time to do it. I’m going to start early to avoid crapping out or not being fit enough when the time comes.


HUG/HUG

@razrangel My sympathies. I hate the unnecessary drama that some people wrap themselves in. They make everybody miserable, including themselves, but only seem to feel fulfilled – not happy mind but fulfilled - when they’re thrashing about in the world.

@Flecky Good luck, I have my fingers crossed for the rehab place with the gardens.

@Fauxhammer Yeesh, thank goodness she’s OK. My sister was in a car accident a few years ago in a tiny car. She was OK but the car was folded up like a concertina whilst all the other cars involved wandered off with barely a scratch (she was the third car in a conga line of ‘somebody-decided-to-stop-and-turn-right-at-the-mouth-of-the-street-they-were-passing cock-up’). She bought a sturdier car next time round :-P

@oldhat Sorry to hear about your friend, Robin. That’s rough.

@JP Carpenter & @sleestak Good luck, guys. I hope you can shake off the black dog before he gets his teeth properly into you.

@Dorkmufin Ugh ugh ugh! I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'd just read this comic by Jess Fink and the article she mentions underneath before I read this so I am extra cross on your behalf. Good on you for doing what you've done in response.

@texture Yay award! Fingers crossed for you finding work.

@government spy I'm glad you've worked things out with your lady. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333158#Comment_333158 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333158#Comment_333158 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 07:34:58 -0700 Darkest
Logistics mainly. Bills and credit. All my other problems stem from a lack of activity on my part and so are not really problems right now.

Up:

Paid my brother yesterday, will pay myself at the end of work today... probably. Need a new laptop which is why I have been away. A customer came by and gave me a picture. It's somewhere safe until I frame it. Got back to running again which helps with my food intake and I just feel better.

Didn't know where to put this and I'll probably make a thread later but here goes: Our first proper comic signing got confirmed.

Jamie Delano (One of Northhampton's comic recluses) will be making an apearance at 1:30 at Niche Comics on the 30th of June. I know a lot of you like Hellblazer so I'll also mention he's bringing Hellblazer vol. 13: Pandemonium with him.

Across: I've been away a while and I'm not caught up yet so blanket applause to everyone for the moment. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333162#Comment_333162 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333162#Comment_333162 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 07:55:47 -0700 mercurialblonde My wife and I separated a few months back which wasn't my idea. Her reason was that she had mental health issues she wanted to treat and didn't want to drag me through. My desire to help her through it was pretty flatly ignored. Now she's talking about us getting a divorce because she wants me to be able to move on. The whole thing is very absurd to me because the whole point of getting married for me was to share the ups and downs with someone I love and experience life together. Her take on it seems to be something along the lines of "adversity, you deserve better, bye". The thing that eats at me is that I think if she loved me enough or desired me enough, that she would not want these things, no matter how poorly she was treating me. I feel like I am being made an excuse for hard truths that while devastating for me to hear, would be a lot more helpful in my healing. The whole thing is completely devastating to me and I have trouble finding places to really talk about it, or people to talk about it with because she pretty diligently follows me across every social media. So it's more difficult to say put up an SOS on twitter or facebook, and not worry that I might say something that upsets her. It's weird, none of this is unexpected, but it's slow motion and horrible. I knew logically that she would ask for a divorce as soon as she moved me out. But I still sort of even now hold out some bizarre hope that she'll change her mind, come to her senses. It hurts because I've never really cared more about another person. But I feel like I may be some sort of emotional cripple, and I'm just doomed to live alone. Which I grew up in isolation from my family, so it's something I'm used to, but I very much don't like it.

The good:
I finished up the pencils and inks for the comic book I've been working on. It's called Hecate Snake Diaries and the coloring for the pages is mostly done as well. I just need to letter it and finish coloring about 7 pages. I'm very excited about my growth as an artist I always thought of myself as only a writer. But I've really dedicated myself to learning how to draw and make art, and it's all very exciting to me. It's one thing that I can control and improve. Anyways. The whole thing I plan to put out as a .99 pdf in August, and then if it's popular enough or I get a good enough job where I have extra money, I'll do a limited print run of it.

I already have a great idea for the next thing too. So creatively I don't know that there's been a better time in my life. Fun how that works out. My tarot cards say that once I accept the changes of my life and heal, the part after that is pretty spectacular. Which is I guess the occult version of "it gets better".

Applause:
@flecky recognizing you have a problem and then seeking help is insanely hard to do. So bravo and keep pushing.
@fauxhammer: yeah the important thing is the person not the car. Scary business all the same. It's crazy how close we live every second to it being our last. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333204#Comment_333204 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333204#Comment_333204 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 19:02:24 -0700 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333211#Comment_333211 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333211#Comment_333211 Sat, 02 Jun 2012 22:23:26 -0700 chris g
Also I turned 27 on the 18th, I didn't want anyone to do shit for me but my lil family got pizza and cake for me so that was nice of 'em. I was going to get into pro-wrestling school but spent the money for new boots instead.

*lol I've had the above chunk in my email for 5 days.

Nothing too mopey going on this week. I went out Thursday for groceries (cat fud) and the mall for a flash drive so I could d/l Harley Quinn's Revenge to teh xbox. Turns out there are lots of cute girls, and they smile back and everything gets horny and pheromone-y DO NOT WANT. Anyway, been getting my comics groove back; slathering ink at the drawing table feels fucking fun as shit again. Also there's a wrestling show happening in my shitty hood next Sunday featuring ex-WWE guys and then some. The sport of kings (and folding chairs) is the only true sport :P
Also Intergalactic San-Diego Nerd Summit 2012 is fast approaching. I'm as excited and terrified as I was last year. Can't wait!
PS: pee farts ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333224#Comment_333224 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333224#Comment_333224 Sun, 03 Jun 2012 03:16:18 -0700 texture
Today I had to delete two of the best songs by one of my closest friends from his two hip-hop EPs on my site. He's a mental health nurse, and the teenage kids he works with have found links to his videos on YouTube. The songs mention smoking weed, so he could have risked being in a position where one of the kids found his work online, and got him fired. Deleting those songs felt like killing puppies. It's such a ridiculous position to be in...

I mean, it's not like these songs were advocating smoking weed, and it's not like he couldn't have said, if challenged, that it was based on past experience, or that he was using artistic license... But he couldn't risk it. That's his job, it pays his rent. The music, unfortunately, doesn't pay much, if at all. It's just a fucking shame because he is one of the most talented rappers I know, and those were two of his best songs.

I could elaborate more on why it pisses me off: the general attitude that weed = drugs = bad; the rules which say people who help people with drug and mental problems are themselves supposed to be above reproach, with clean records... I mean surely some experience of being a weed-smoking layabout is going to actually help in this scenario? It's all just fucked in the head.

And then of course I start thinking about why I'm not getting callbacks for interviews... I'm pretty unguarded on my social media feeds... so my name has now been changed / deleted from the most obvious social media spots... and it's just making me feel like, c'mon, what's the fucking point of all this? Where's it leading? Self-expression only possible through pseudonyms and hidden IPs?

It's parter of a larger malaise that I've grappled with many times over the last few years. I barely mention any of my freelance journalism, music promotion or fiction publishing when I go for a job, because you know what? Most employers are threatened by it. They don't want to employ someone who works hard for little recompense on their own time to do something creative. Because to them, all that says is: "He isn't focused on selling insurance / answering banking calls / teaching IT." The fact I did all this crap off my own back and on my own dime means little or less to prospective employers. I have to lie to make myself look boring, only then will I get a job. I mean come on, how depressing is that?

Anyway it's not like I didn't know all this. File under The Way Things Are So Deal With It, rather than OMG Why Is This Happening.

Big love @Ricochet welcome back, glad the health issues are stabilising / clearing up. Big love to @chris g too, happy belated birthday mate! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333234#Comment_333234 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333234#Comment_333234 Sun, 03 Jun 2012 05:57:17 -0700 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333306#Comment_333306 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333306#Comment_333306 Sun, 03 Jun 2012 22:03:06 -0700 trini_naenae There's been some mild drama at work, but I think most of it has been more or less settled. My mom has been struggling with her depression, and it seems like I'm the only one in the family who understands her. My dad has this mind boggling ability to have loads of empathy for strangers, but when it comes to his own family, especially his wife, the empathy just isn't there. It might seem like he has it, but when push comes to shove... nope. Is it really too much to ask for a guy to have empathy and understanding for his wife? And if he's not sure how, why doesn't he make a point of trying to find out how to? If there's any one thing that has put off my desire to even bother with dating and romantic relationships is the amount of crap that my mom has had to put up with from my dad, and the amount of people saying "well that's just how men are". Really? I suppose I could add that I got a fancy kind of birth control put into my arm that lasts for 3 years (implanon) for free, thanks to Wisconsin government being happy to cover family planning stuff (at least on that level), which is great, except that it has killed my libido. Which would bother me more if the concept of dating doesn't really appeal to me anymore. What's the point anyhow? As much as I'd like to believe that most men aren't assholes, there sure are a ton of them.

Woot:
I get along with all of my co-workers. I managed to get extra hours, so my coming paycheck should be good. I managed to pay rent without dipping into savings. Extra woot! I'm interviewing for a second job that is probably going to be unpleasant, but it's only every other weekend. It should hopefully be enough to make saving a lot easier. I might be doing some fun music things with a co-worker. I've been playing my uke. I went out last night and danced, and hand out with a different co-worker. I'm going to get my mom to see a counselor, because she needs it. We went on a walk to return a dish to a neighbor and ended up taking some chives home. So some got planted in a pot (for me!), and some in the garden, and my mom found a robin's nest and I got to take some photos, watching hummingbirds at the feeder, etc. My mom's house really is in such a beautiful place, and it's so nice to visit and hang out whenever I feel like it. Unlike Fresno (CA), late spring and summer here is a delight. Well, except for the ticks. The weather has been generally lovely and everything is so green. It never got properly green in Fresno. It's one of my favorite things about this area, and I'm so glad I get to enjoy it.

Applause:
@texture: I know it's not news, but it's still frustrating. It's one of the reasons I don't use my real name online. Unfortunately, a double life is often needed for creative people. Shame.

@mercurialblonde: I'm so sorry to hear it.

@razrangel: *hugs* It seems kind of cliched to say it, but you're stronger than you give yourself credit.

@JP Carpenter: Fuck the depression. I hope you can beat the hell out of it. As for wildlife... if you have problems with slugs and snails, I've been told that digging a small hole in the ground big enough to put a bowl in and filling it with cheap beer is a great way to kill them off. And doesn't require snail bait which is deeply evil and wrong (dogs can get into it, and the seizures and almost dying that I had to watch of a sweet dog as a result was just heartbreaking). I don't know if it gets used there, but there's a shitton of wildlife here, and just about everyone uses electric fences. Or those mesh fences (that go really high because of the deer).

@dorkmuffin: Holy Shit. I'm glad that creepy guy has been dealt with, but holy shit. Kudos for standing up for yourself in the ways that you did.

@Ricochet: Wow, that's some intense stuff. I hope you keep getting better soon. And that your dad stays cancer-free. Also, Nepal! Awesome! I ended up printing both the comic and article for shoving in the faces of guys who don't think it's that bad. (Actually, locally it's not that bad. Benefits of living in a small town area? But just about everywhere else? Yeesh.) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333312#Comment_333312 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333312#Comment_333312 Sun, 03 Jun 2012 23:41:24 -0700 Fishelle
I joined Whitechapel about 2 years ago. The first time I posted anything in an Open Mic thread, it was (mostly) about a boy. Said boy had just left to be a Mormon missionary for 2 years in New York City. This was, of course, just after I'd fallen in love with him. He comes home in 2 1/2 weeks.
Since then, we've written letters. I've dated one other person, and got into strange sort of non relationships with a couple other guys so I could have someone to have some physical contact with. But all the while, all I could think about was the boy in New York.
It's really just been platonic. I sent him letters as soon as I got one from him, mailed fudge at Christmastime, all the sort of things I'd do for any missionary friend. At one point, back in the spring of last year, I was going to the city and decided to try and meet up with him for a visit. That's sort of against the rules, but it worked out okay. We sat at a park that had a nice little view of the Manhattan skyline and I looked at his sketchbook as we chatted for a bit and waited for the rest of the group I was with to make their way to P.S.1. We sat on the same concrete bench, close enough to have our legs pushed together a bit, which I know really is nothing. But as I've come to know how I act around men in romantic situations, how much I push to get to the next thing, how really in most circumstances a man can't hold my hand without making me want to jump on top of him, this moment has become more notable in my mind. Not because I could have or would have pushed further at all. I wasn't about to take that opportunity to tell him how much I cared for him or anything. But the way I felt, it was like I could just sit there next to him, not ever having to do more, and I'd be happy forever.
I told the missionary boy that I was in love with him in a rather straightforward manner a few months ago. I was planning on letting the subject rest until his return. But after well over a month of no communication, while all sorts of other craziness was happening, (most notably my mom threatening to cut off financial help unless I took down a piece of art I made about my ex-boyfriend from my blog) when I finally got a letter I felt like it was time to be upfront with things. I told him everything that I would have waited to tell, expecting that he knew most of it already. And he did know most of it. All except the important bit. He wrote me back quickly this time, and I was in New Orleans when I got the reply. My sister opened his letter, took pictures with her phone and texted them to me, promising not to read it. "Know that I do love you, though probably not in the romantic way you would hope," has since been a sentence on repeat in my brain nearly every moment.
I'm not giving up. Most young men who go on LDS missions, after 2 years of not being allowed to be alone with anyone of the opposite sex, or not even allowed to so much as hug girls while in group company, are a bit less interested in women for a bit after they come home. They're usually nervous or even scared, and some are just not interested in romance with anyone at all. It's temporary, and it sounds like this is the case with him. Maybe I'm a fool for holding onto this, but I am. It hurts to fall in love with people. I don't want to have to do it again if I can help it.
Two and a half weeks. I'm getting more nervous every day. And I don't even know when I'll actually get to see him or talk to him. That's just when he'll be back in Utah.

So, good things.
My sister gave me a haircut yesterday, and it's much better than the last one I paid for.
I have a job in an art museum. I'm working security, but I have not problem at all with that (installing shows is more fun and there's lots more museum work that's more glamorous, but this job honestly makes me happy). Tomorrow the job is having a staff party. My sister will be my date. I'll just be able to enjoy the exhibit and the 19 cars that are worth 50 million dollars and not have to figure out dinner for a night. I'm also hoping they'll need a few more guards for the event with Jay Leno in July and I might be able to work that night, but we'll see. I have a few more hours in my regular weekly schedule than a lot of folks, so they'll probably ask other guards for that one.
The job is part time and nearly minimum wage, which means I'll be poor once it ends in September. But it means I get to live in Salt Lake instead of at home with my parents for the summer. Seeing how depressed I got the last two summers, and knowing how much more tenuous things are these days with my mom, that's worth a lot.

@razrangel Ugh, people. I hope you passed your test.

@oldhat I don't think I told you anywhere else yet that I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I am. *hugs*

@mercurialblonde I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that, given time, she'll let you help. I guess all you can do is let her know you're there, no matter what, even if that means letting her have her way for a bit. I really hope things turn around.

@texture I know it's how it is, but I really wish it wasn't. Sad that your friend's work had to go down. I guess sometimes, the less reasonable ones among us win. Still sucks, though. And there's really nothing that will make it stop sucking.

@trini_naenae Seeing unpleasant things in parents relationships is no fun at all. But somehow, they must be making something work, otherwise they wouldn't still be together. At least, that's what I tell myself when I'm home and it's nothing but constant nagging and arguments between my folks. There's got to be a good in there that outweighs the bad, but we're just not in position to see it. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333327#Comment_333327 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333327#Comment_333327 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 05:49:33 -0700 flecky
I'm trying to focus on the good in people, instead of obsessing on the bad things in this World. I've learnt that I'm powerless over the way I feel at times, but that I do have a choice over how I react to emotions and situations I sometimes find myself in. If I'm around stand-up, decent folk, and feel awkward, shy, angry etc. I'm realizing that the problem isn't them, but me. This is a positive thing, as it's a start in doing work on myself. Though I do get upset about greed, evil, corruption and the bad stuff, I'm only one man, and can do little to change any of this. I guess it's all about accepting life on life's terms, the good and the bad.

Because I'm expecting important phone-calls, I can't change my number at the moment. I still keep getting random messages and calls from fucking dealers, people I used to use with, a woman I was involved with, supposed friends who can't get their heads around the fact I'm trying to change etc. The easiest and insane thing to do would be to get angry with them, tell them all to fuck-off, but I'm finding that if I stay calm and just tell that I'm not interested, that they are slowly getting the message. When I've dealt with the important calls I will change my number.

I've got no kids, and most of the time I'm glad, even though people said I would have been a good Dad when I was clean. Lots of stuff keeps coming into my head about my warped childhood. My Dad, who was a cop, got fucked-up on booze, pills, black-magic, was a mason, and worked in the porn industry. He fucked my Mother's married sister and went to Oz when I was three, leaving a damaged woman with two kids. When I went off-the-rails in my teens, my Mom was always moving around, so I never had anywhere to return to for help. At times it's hard for me not to assign blame on them for what happened to me, but getting resentful isn't going to help. There's three sides to every story, and I keep in-touch with my Dad now. My lovely Stepmother is really ill with dementia, and I hope she's OK.

Sorry about the history moan, but I feel I need to get this out. I believe honesty is the best policy in this life. Hanging around with old mates who are drinking and using just feels...wrong, even if I don't wan't to join in, so I'm a bit of a loner at the moment. I'm grateful for the few people I've become friendly with from meetings.

I'm starting to feel a bit of a liar when I tell people about all the work I did when younger. I became a workaholic in my twenties, and at one point I believe I was holding down five part-time jobs, from being a barman to a teacher in a rehab. It feels like another life.

REPORT TO THE DANCE-FLOOR FOR DEBRIEFING

Things are slowly progressing towards getting into rehab, and I'm being patient with the process. When I hopefully get better, I'd like to do work with younger people who are going through what I've been through, so maybe they don't have to get to the lows I've been to. I used to work for the Probation Service, and I was quite good at it. Something I heard recently that made some sense to me was:

When I think about my life, it's shit! But if I actually look at it, it's quite good!

EMPATHIKUS X

@government spy: Well put, Sir. Life is too short to be bitchy. Politics make strange bedfellows, principles before personalities, and if the ties that hold us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart...we are invincible! (I nicked that shit from NA!) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333335#Comment_333335 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333335#Comment_333335 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 07:09:10 -0700 nigredo
So, a couple of years back I got a pretty good tax return because my employer fucked up. This month they paid me less because they seem to have realised that they actually fucked up when they gave me the money back, so hey will be paying me less every month until the debt has been paid off...things are pretty tight, therefore, and not conducive to peace of mind...

AHHH

It was my birthday last week and I was on the phone with my friend Gonzalo, who lives in Madrid and whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years. While we were chatting, he decided to buy me tickets to Madrid as a birthday present, so I went there for a long weekend and stayed with him and his amazing family! Got to jam with his band, ate insanely good food, met the loveliest, coolest four-year-old ever (his daughter) and saw Madrid for the first time. Friends, eh?

AWWW

I don't like singling out people, so mental heartfelt hugs to all of you guys! Love and awesomeness :) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333363#Comment_333363 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333363#Comment_333363 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:04:53 -0700 allana years ago? And they think they can make you pay for their mistake now? That shit ain't right. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333366#Comment_333366 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333366#Comment_333366 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:33:49 -0700 nigredo
How are you doing? ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333367#Comment_333367 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333367#Comment_333367 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:49:43 -0700 allana ups and downs. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333368#Comment_333368 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333368#Comment_333368 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:49:47 -0700 JP Carpenter
@trini cheers, I think I caught it before it got a grip this time, the cbt clearly seems to have given me enough self awareness to see it coming and stop it. Re snail bait... No dogs will ever go near my garden as long as I'm breathing and armed with sharp instruments... I tend to use the iron based ones that are meant to be safe for pets as I don't trust Ruby not to eat them. Not tried beer as I have always struggled with the idea of giving booze to molluscs... ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333369#Comment_333369 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333369#Comment_333369 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:59:19 -0700 nigredo
I loled ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333399#Comment_333399 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333399#Comment_333399 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:17:28 -0700 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333402#Comment_333402 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333402#Comment_333402 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:46:14 -0700 razrangel
@faux – so glad your wife is ok. Scary, scary when someone else is in danger.
@flecky – keep fighting the good fight. Every moment you spend on it is not wasted, no matter what happens later.
@JP – fucking depression. Your brain is trying to help by kicking you in the nuts after you've been kicked in the head. I know it the feeling...and at least you know the situation for what it is. *hug*
@sleestak – I know it's rough when you feel like you're just a half step in front of everyone and you can't keep it up, but it sounds like you have a good environment, one where you can ask questions and get useful answers. That's an awesome position to be in. Keep slugging away and find a way to believe in yourself!
@texture – good for the attention. Not something to put in the bank, however something to cultivate for a nice little payday later. And also good to know that you're going in the right direction. }:>
@oldhat – sorry about the friend who passed away. It is very weird, those waves of “oh wait he's gone. What? No that can't be right. Wait, no it is. He's gone...” and only sort of appreciating what that means. Even if you've lost people before, it's still...weird.
@dorkmuffin – I hope your anxiety has gone down by now. Good on you for being proactive in not letting another sleaze get his way.
@govSpy – happy your wacky fantastic life continues to grind away.
@ricochet – yikes and yay and then yikes and yay some more. }:>
@darkest – congratulations on your first signing!
@mercurialblonde – this isn't going to help, but sometimes people who end up an internal mess emotionally push away the people who might help, who've promised to help them. In other words, to get what's going on don't listen to her excuses, but try to see why she's making those excuses. I say it isn't going to help because if she wants a divorce that's all there is to it, but those mental health issues are precisely what makes her think that's the best option.
@chris g – happy birthday past and good for keepin on with your ideals.
@trini_naenae – it's tough isn't it? You want to think good things about men, and disregard the broad generalization about their emotional immaturity and casual cruelties to women, and then you get to know guys who fit that stereotype just too damn well. So frustrating. (and thanks for the kind words!)
@Fishelle - ugh that's rough. Please allow for the possibility that he and you may have changed in the past two years and the nature of your relating won't be the same it used to be. Ugh. *hug*
@nigredo – sucks about the financial fuckup other people did. But Madrid!! I'm jealous. I've been eyeing Spain as a touring destination for over a decade. Sweet...


first day off after six days on. I can feel my nerves standing down, tension lessening. It's weird. I can literally feel my spine lengthening as I move. But we still have a week to go to get through opening the show, all three performances, and the company meeting after. Averaged four hours of sleep this week, a little to socialized. Time at the theater is time spent with artists and though we're working, we're (theoretically) working together and thus talking/chatting/collaborating...there's a strong social element. Then I go "home" to my friend's couch. And the house is full of people - artists & Burners - and they're up at all hours, hanging, listening to music, watching stuff on Discovery, smoking stuff of which I do not partake and they are very very awesome people, but it's more socializing for me. As much as I've gotten used to being friendly with cool, artistic people, I'm still very much an introvert and desperately need time to myself, space where I can be alone not have to smile at every person who walks in and just... I don't know, concentrate on naval gazing.

I wasn't going to get today off, initially. But tech got kind of fubar'd and it's too much effort to go into all the nitty gritty, so I'll just say I get frustrated by people who don't understand the nature of collaboration. And that on the upside I got to sleep in my own bed last night instead of my friend's lumpy couch. Back at it again tomorrow. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333409#Comment_333409 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333409#Comment_333409 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 19:36:14 -0700 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333435#Comment_333435 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333435#Comment_333435 Tue, 05 Jun 2012 02:37:18 -0700 Fauxhammer
Fuck You: Mild backache is about all I got, which owns.

Fuck All Y'all:

@nigredo: That's some buuuullshit.
@razrangel: Not a thing wrong with needing to be on your own turf. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333475#Comment_333475 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333475#Comment_333475 Tue, 05 Jun 2012 10:31:04 -0700 razrangel ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333480#Comment_333480 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10684&Focus=333480#Comment_333480 Tue, 05 Jun 2012 11:15:35 -0700 nigredo
visiting Madrid is easier when you live in Europe :) don't think I could do what you're doing, btw. If I didn't have my own place to escape to after work etc I'd end up losing it...

@ fauxhammer

congrats dude! ]]>