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    • CommentAuthorDarkest
    • CommentTimeJun 2nd 2012

    Logistics mainly. Bills and credit. All my other problems stem from a lack of activity on my part and so are not really problems right now.


    Paid my brother yesterday, will pay myself at the end of work today... probably. Need a new laptop which is why I have been away. A customer came by and gave me a picture. It's somewhere safe until I frame it. Got back to running again which helps with my food intake and I just feel better.

    Didn't know where to put this and I'll probably make a thread later but here goes: Our first proper comic signing got confirmed.

    Jamie Delano (One of Northhampton's comic recluses) will be making an apearance at 1:30 at Niche Comics on the 30th of June. I know a lot of you like Hellblazer so I'll also mention he's bringing Hellblazer vol. 13: Pandemonium with him.

    Across: I've been away a while and I'm not caught up yet so blanket applause to everyone for the moment.
  1.  (10684.2)
    My wife and I separated a few months back which wasn't my idea. Her reason was that she had mental health issues she wanted to treat and didn't want to drag me through. My desire to help her through it was pretty flatly ignored. Now she's talking about us getting a divorce because she wants me to be able to move on. The whole thing is very absurd to me because the whole point of getting married for me was to share the ups and downs with someone I love and experience life together. Her take on it seems to be something along the lines of "adversity, you deserve better, bye". The thing that eats at me is that I think if she loved me enough or desired me enough, that she would not want these things, no matter how poorly she was treating me. I feel like I am being made an excuse for hard truths that while devastating for me to hear, would be a lot more helpful in my healing. The whole thing is completely devastating to me and I have trouble finding places to really talk about it, or people to talk about it with because she pretty diligently follows me across every social media. So it's more difficult to say put up an SOS on twitter or facebook, and not worry that I might say something that upsets her. It's weird, none of this is unexpected, but it's slow motion and horrible. I knew logically that she would ask for a divorce as soon as she moved me out. But I still sort of even now hold out some bizarre hope that she'll change her mind, come to her senses. It hurts because I've never really cared more about another person. But I feel like I may be some sort of emotional cripple, and I'm just doomed to live alone. Which I grew up in isolation from my family, so it's something I'm used to, but I very much don't like it.

    The good:
    I finished up the pencils and inks for the comic book I've been working on. It's called Hecate Snake Diaries and the coloring for the pages is mostly done as well. I just need to letter it and finish coloring about 7 pages. I'm very excited about my growth as an artist I always thought of myself as only a writer. But I've really dedicated myself to learning how to draw and make art, and it's all very exciting to me. It's one thing that I can control and improve. Anyways. The whole thing I plan to put out as a .99 pdf in August, and then if it's popular enough or I get a good enough job where I have extra money, I'll do a limited print run of it.

    I already have a great idea for the next thing too. So creatively I don't know that there's been a better time in my life. Fun how that works out. My tarot cards say that once I accept the changes of my life and heal, the part after that is pretty spectacular. Which is I guess the occult version of "it gets better".

    @flecky recognizing you have a problem and then seeking help is insanely hard to do. So bravo and keep pushing.
    @fauxhammer: yeah the important thing is the person not the car. Scary business all the same. It's crazy how close we live every second to it being our last.
    • CommentTimeJun 2nd 2012
    @mercurialblonde, I've been in the position of not wanting to burden someone with my craziness. A lot of someones. It's not something that can be argued away, but I came to my senses and came back to my friends and family (and boyfriend), so ... hold out hope, make your intentions clear, and give it time. I knew I'd be accepted back whenever I decided I could stand it, and that helped a lot.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeJun 2nd 2012
    fuuuu i dunno. i have been struggling to be and stay vegetarian for a few years now and it's stupid to me that it has to be some kind of uphill battle. everytime i mention it i get criticized. my mom and sis brought tacos earlier and i ate that cuz if i didn't they'll make a big deal about me refusing fud and I dunno, my mind feels dizzy inside my skull right now and I'm a little pissed at myself for go against one of the few things I actually believe in. i can feel the mental block in place in my mind and heart; i want to quit teh m34ts but nooooo ppl will think i'm a big fayg for it or something. I've also quit drinking as of February too so basically I'm adopting new ways to say "Fuck you!" and be a disciplined mother fucker. It's a work in progress!

    Also I turned 27 on the 18th, I didn't want anyone to do shit for me but my lil family got pizza and cake for me so that was nice of 'em. I was going to get into pro-wrestling school but spent the money for new boots instead.

    *lol I've had the above chunk in my email for 5 days.

    Nothing too mopey going on this week. I went out Thursday for groceries (cat fud) and the mall for a flash drive so I could d/l Harley Quinn's Revenge to teh xbox. Turns out there are lots of cute girls, and they smile back and everything gets horny and pheromone-y DO NOT WANT. Anyway, been getting my comics groove back; slathering ink at the drawing table feels fucking fun as shit again. Also there's a wrestling show happening in my shitty hood next Sunday featuring ex-WWE guys and then some. The sport of kings (and folding chairs) is the only true sport :P
    Also Intergalactic San-Diego Nerd Summit 2012 is fast approaching. I'm as excited and terrified as I was last year. Can't wait!
    PS: pee farts
    • CommentTimeJun 3rd 2012
    Thanks for the good luck posts guys, much appreciated.

    Today I had to delete two of the best songs by one of my closest friends from his two hip-hop EPs on my site. He's a mental health nurse, and the teenage kids he works with have found links to his videos on YouTube. The songs mention smoking weed, so he could have risked being in a position where one of the kids found his work online, and got him fired. Deleting those songs felt like killing puppies. It's such a ridiculous position to be in...

    I mean, it's not like these songs were advocating smoking weed, and it's not like he couldn't have said, if challenged, that it was based on past experience, or that he was using artistic license... But he couldn't risk it. That's his job, it pays his rent. The music, unfortunately, doesn't pay much, if at all. It's just a fucking shame because he is one of the most talented rappers I know, and those were two of his best songs.

    I could elaborate more on why it pisses me off: the general attitude that weed = drugs = bad; the rules which say people who help people with drug and mental problems are themselves supposed to be above reproach, with clean records... I mean surely some experience of being a weed-smoking layabout is going to actually help in this scenario? It's all just fucked in the head.

    And then of course I start thinking about why I'm not getting callbacks for interviews... I'm pretty unguarded on my social media feeds... so my name has now been changed / deleted from the most obvious social media spots... and it's just making me feel like, c'mon, what's the fucking point of all this? Where's it leading? Self-expression only possible through pseudonyms and hidden IPs?

    It's parter of a larger malaise that I've grappled with many times over the last few years. I barely mention any of my freelance journalism, music promotion or fiction publishing when I go for a job, because you know what? Most employers are threatened by it. They don't want to employ someone who works hard for little recompense on their own time to do something creative. Because to them, all that says is: "He isn't focused on selling insurance / answering banking calls / teaching IT." The fact I did all this crap off my own back and on my own dime means little or less to prospective employers. I have to lie to make myself look boring, only then will I get a job. I mean come on, how depressing is that?

    Anyway it's not like I didn't know all this. File under The Way Things Are So Deal With It, rather than OMG Why Is This Happening.

    Big love @Ricochet welcome back, glad the health issues are stabilising / clearing up. Big love to @chris g too, happy belated birthday mate!
  2.  (10684.6)
    Hey gang, sorry to break format, but I have to ask, what's with the general pissiness recently? On a few threads, it just feels like there's been a lot of bickering and bad attitudes going around. Is it just me? We've had a couple honorable moderators step in and hush it quiet like Mama & her whisky, but I kinda feel like they shouldn't have to. This had been a place where we self-policed for quite some time. I know we were used to Warren spontaneously closing a thread or two when his kids got annoying, but we generally were too afraid of arse-eels to make that too common. We're supposed to be a community here right? And I know we're always going to be fairly disfunctional no matter what; we're such a crazy mix of demographics that it's probably the most complicated venn diagram in the world to explain how we're all connected, but can't we just cool off on the bitchiness, for just a little while?
  3.  (10684.7)
    There's been some mild drama at work, but I think most of it has been more or less settled. My mom has been struggling with her depression, and it seems like I'm the only one in the family who understands her. My dad has this mind boggling ability to have loads of empathy for strangers, but when it comes to his own family, especially his wife, the empathy just isn't there. It might seem like he has it, but when push comes to shove... nope. Is it really too much to ask for a guy to have empathy and understanding for his wife? And if he's not sure how, why doesn't he make a point of trying to find out how to? If there's any one thing that has put off my desire to even bother with dating and romantic relationships is the amount of crap that my mom has had to put up with from my dad, and the amount of people saying "well that's just how men are". Really? I suppose I could add that I got a fancy kind of birth control put into my arm that lasts for 3 years (implanon) for free, thanks to Wisconsin government being happy to cover family planning stuff (at least on that level), which is great, except that it has killed my libido. Which would bother me more if the concept of dating doesn't really appeal to me anymore. What's the point anyhow? As much as I'd like to believe that most men aren't assholes, there sure are a ton of them.

    I get along with all of my co-workers. I managed to get extra hours, so my coming paycheck should be good. I managed to pay rent without dipping into savings. Extra woot! I'm interviewing for a second job that is probably going to be unpleasant, but it's only every other weekend. It should hopefully be enough to make saving a lot easier. I might be doing some fun music things with a co-worker. I've been playing my uke. I went out last night and danced, and hand out with a different co-worker. I'm going to get my mom to see a counselor, because she needs it. We went on a walk to return a dish to a neighbor and ended up taking some chives home. So some got planted in a pot (for me!), and some in the garden, and my mom found a robin's nest and I got to take some photos, watching hummingbirds at the feeder, etc. My mom's house really is in such a beautiful place, and it's so nice to visit and hang out whenever I feel like it. Unlike Fresno (CA), late spring and summer here is a delight. Well, except for the ticks. The weather has been generally lovely and everything is so green. It never got properly green in Fresno. It's one of my favorite things about this area, and I'm so glad I get to enjoy it.

    @texture: I know it's not news, but it's still frustrating. It's one of the reasons I don't use my real name online. Unfortunately, a double life is often needed for creative people. Shame.

    @mercurialblonde: I'm so sorry to hear it.

    @razrangel: *hugs* It seems kind of cliched to say it, but you're stronger than you give yourself credit.

    @JP Carpenter: Fuck the depression. I hope you can beat the hell out of it. As for wildlife... if you have problems with slugs and snails, I've been told that digging a small hole in the ground big enough to put a bowl in and filling it with cheap beer is a great way to kill them off. And doesn't require snail bait which is deeply evil and wrong (dogs can get into it, and the seizures and almost dying that I had to watch of a sweet dog as a result was just heartbreaking). I don't know if it gets used there, but there's a shitton of wildlife here, and just about everyone uses electric fences. Or those mesh fences (that go really high because of the deer).

    @dorkmuffin: Holy Shit. I'm glad that creepy guy has been dealt with, but holy shit. Kudos for standing up for yourself in the ways that you did.

    @Ricochet: Wow, that's some intense stuff. I hope you keep getting better soon. And that your dad stays cancer-free. Also, Nepal! Awesome! I ended up printing both the comic and article for shoving in the faces of guys who don't think it's that bad. (Actually, locally it's not that bad. Benefits of living in a small town area? But just about everywhere else? Yeesh.)
    • CommentTimeJun 3rd 2012
    *Warning: if you'd rather not read me getting all mushy and emotional about a boy that's really mostly old news, skip this post.*

    I joined Whitechapel about 2 years ago. The first time I posted anything in an Open Mic thread, it was (mostly) about a boy. Said boy had just left to be a Mormon missionary for 2 years in New York City. This was, of course, just after I'd fallen in love with him. He comes home in 2 1/2 weeks.
    Since then, we've written letters. I've dated one other person, and got into strange sort of non relationships with a couple other guys so I could have someone to have some physical contact with. But all the while, all I could think about was the boy in New York.
    It's really just been platonic. I sent him letters as soon as I got one from him, mailed fudge at Christmastime, all the sort of things I'd do for any missionary friend. At one point, back in the spring of last year, I was going to the city and decided to try and meet up with him for a visit. That's sort of against the rules, but it worked out okay. We sat at a park that had a nice little view of the Manhattan skyline and I looked at his sketchbook as we chatted for a bit and waited for the rest of the group I was with to make their way to P.S.1. We sat on the same concrete bench, close enough to have our legs pushed together a bit, which I know really is nothing. But as I've come to know how I act around men in romantic situations, how much I push to get to the next thing, how really in most circumstances a man can't hold my hand without making me want to jump on top of him, this moment has become more notable in my mind. Not because I could have or would have pushed further at all. I wasn't about to take that opportunity to tell him how much I cared for him or anything. But the way I felt, it was like I could just sit there next to him, not ever having to do more, and I'd be happy forever.
    I told the missionary boy that I was in love with him in a rather straightforward manner a few months ago. I was planning on letting the subject rest until his return. But after well over a month of no communication, while all sorts of other craziness was happening, (most notably my mom threatening to cut off financial help unless I took down a piece of art I made about my ex-boyfriend from my blog) when I finally got a letter I felt like it was time to be upfront with things. I told him everything that I would have waited to tell, expecting that he knew most of it already. And he did know most of it. All except the important bit. He wrote me back quickly this time, and I was in New Orleans when I got the reply. My sister opened his letter, took pictures with her phone and texted them to me, promising not to read it. "Know that I do love you, though probably not in the romantic way you would hope," has since been a sentence on repeat in my brain nearly every moment.
    I'm not giving up. Most young men who go on LDS missions, after 2 years of not being allowed to be alone with anyone of the opposite sex, or not even allowed to so much as hug girls while in group company, are a bit less interested in women for a bit after they come home. They're usually nervous or even scared, and some are just not interested in romance with anyone at all. It's temporary, and it sounds like this is the case with him. Maybe I'm a fool for holding onto this, but I am. It hurts to fall in love with people. I don't want to have to do it again if I can help it.
    Two and a half weeks. I'm getting more nervous every day. And I don't even know when I'll actually get to see him or talk to him. That's just when he'll be back in Utah.

    So, good things.
    My sister gave me a haircut yesterday, and it's much better than the last one I paid for.
    I have a job in an art museum. I'm working security, but I have not problem at all with that (installing shows is more fun and there's lots more museum work that's more glamorous, but this job honestly makes me happy). Tomorrow the job is having a staff party. My sister will be my date. I'll just be able to enjoy the exhibit and the 19 cars that are worth 50 million dollars and not have to figure out dinner for a night. I'm also hoping they'll need a few more guards for the event with Jay Leno in July and I might be able to work that night, but we'll see. I have a few more hours in my regular weekly schedule than a lot of folks, so they'll probably ask other guards for that one.
    The job is part time and nearly minimum wage, which means I'll be poor once it ends in September. But it means I get to live in Salt Lake instead of at home with my parents for the summer. Seeing how depressed I got the last two summers, and knowing how much more tenuous things are these days with my mom, that's worth a lot.

    @razrangel Ugh, people. I hope you passed your test.

    @oldhat I don't think I told you anywhere else yet that I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I am. *hugs*

    @mercurialblonde I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that, given time, she'll let you help. I guess all you can do is let her know you're there, no matter what, even if that means letting her have her way for a bit. I really hope things turn around.

    @texture I know it's how it is, but I really wish it wasn't. Sad that your friend's work had to go down. I guess sometimes, the less reasonable ones among us win. Still sucks, though. And there's really nothing that will make it stop sucking.

    @trini_naenae Seeing unpleasant things in parents relationships is no fun at all. But somehow, they must be making something work, otherwise they wouldn't still be together. At least, that's what I tell myself when I'm home and it's nothing but constant nagging and arguments between my folks. There's got to be a good in there that outweighs the bad, but we're just not in position to see it.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012

    I'm trying to focus on the good in people, instead of obsessing on the bad things in this World. I've learnt that I'm powerless over the way I feel at times, but that I do have a choice over how I react to emotions and situations I sometimes find myself in. If I'm around stand-up, decent folk, and feel awkward, shy, angry etc. I'm realizing that the problem isn't them, but me. This is a positive thing, as it's a start in doing work on myself. Though I do get upset about greed, evil, corruption and the bad stuff, I'm only one man, and can do little to change any of this. I guess it's all about accepting life on life's terms, the good and the bad.

    Because I'm expecting important phone-calls, I can't change my number at the moment. I still keep getting random messages and calls from fucking dealers, people I used to use with, a woman I was involved with, supposed friends who can't get their heads around the fact I'm trying to change etc. The easiest and insane thing to do would be to get angry with them, tell them all to fuck-off, but I'm finding that if I stay calm and just tell that I'm not interested, that they are slowly getting the message. When I've dealt with the important calls I will change my number.

    I've got no kids, and most of the time I'm glad, even though people said I would have been a good Dad when I was clean. Lots of stuff keeps coming into my head about my warped childhood. My Dad, who was a cop, got fucked-up on booze, pills, black-magic, was a mason, and worked in the porn industry. He fucked my Mother's married sister and went to Oz when I was three, leaving a damaged woman with two kids. When I went off-the-rails in my teens, my Mom was always moving around, so I never had anywhere to return to for help. At times it's hard for me not to assign blame on them for what happened to me, but getting resentful isn't going to help. There's three sides to every story, and I keep in-touch with my Dad now. My lovely Stepmother is really ill with dementia, and I hope she's OK.

    Sorry about the history moan, but I feel I need to get this out. I believe honesty is the best policy in this life. Hanging around with old mates who are drinking and using just feels...wrong, even if I don't wan't to join in, so I'm a bit of a loner at the moment. I'm grateful for the few people I've become friendly with from meetings.

    I'm starting to feel a bit of a liar when I tell people about all the work I did when younger. I became a workaholic in my twenties, and at one point I believe I was holding down five part-time jobs, from being a barman to a teacher in a rehab. It feels like another life.


    Things are slowly progressing towards getting into rehab, and I'm being patient with the process. When I hopefully get better, I'd like to do work with younger people who are going through what I've been through, so maybe they don't have to get to the lows I've been to. I used to work for the Probation Service, and I was quite good at it. Something I heard recently that made some sense to me was:

    When I think about my life, it's shit! But if I actually look at it, it's quite good!


    @government spy: Well put, Sir. Life is too short to be bitchy. Politics make strange bedfellows, principles before personalities, and if the ties that hold us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart...we are invincible! (I nicked that shit from NA!)
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012

    So, a couple of years back I got a pretty good tax return because my employer fucked up. This month they paid me less because they seem to have realised that they actually fucked up when they gave me the money back, so hey will be paying me less every month until the debt has been paid off...things are pretty tight, therefore, and not conducive to peace of mind...


    It was my birthday last week and I was on the phone with my friend Gonzalo, who lives in Madrid and whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years. While we were chatting, he decided to buy me tickets to Madrid as a birthday present, so I went there for a long weekend and stayed with him and his amazing family! Got to jam with his band, ate insanely good food, met the loveliest, coolest four-year-old ever (his daughter) and saw Madrid for the first time. Friends, eh?


    I don't like singling out people, so mental heartfelt hugs to all of you guys! Love and awesomeness :)
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    Man, Alex, that is outrageous. A couple of years ago? And they think they can make you pay for their mistake now? That shit ain't right.
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012 edited
    HMRC never sleeps, Allana, they spend their nights and days trying to figure out creative ways to screw you. I am waiting for their so called calculation before I proceed with anything drastic. We'll see.

    How are you doing?
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    Oh, y'know, I have my ups and downs.
  4.  (10684.14)
    @alanna yeah, that's the way hmrc roll... I've always been on the right side of their cock ups so far, but they're bastards

    @trini cheers, I think I caught it before it got a grip this time, the cbt clearly seems to have given me enough self awareness to see it coming and stop it. Re snail bait... No dogs will ever go near my garden as long as I'm breathing and armed with sharp instruments... I tend to use the iron based ones that are meant to be safe for pets as I don't trust Ruby not to eat them. Not tried beer as I have always struggled with the idea of giving booze to molluscs...
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    @ allana

    I loled
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    @allana... yeah, yeah I guess you do!
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    Right then. The cheers and toasts and hugs for you beautiful people sharing yourselves with any passing voyeur...

    @faux – so glad your wife is ok. Scary, scary when someone else is in danger.
    @flecky – keep fighting the good fight. Every moment you spend on it is not wasted, no matter what happens later.
    @JP – fucking depression. Your brain is trying to help by kicking you in the nuts after you've been kicked in the head. I know it the feeling...and at least you know the situation for what it is. *hug*
    @sleestak – I know it's rough when you feel like you're just a half step in front of everyone and you can't keep it up, but it sounds like you have a good environment, one where you can ask questions and get useful answers. That's an awesome position to be in. Keep slugging away and find a way to believe in yourself!
    @texture – good for the attention. Not something to put in the bank, however something to cultivate for a nice little payday later. And also good to know that you're going in the right direction. }:>
    @oldhat – sorry about the friend who passed away. It is very weird, those waves of “oh wait he's gone. What? No that can't be right. Wait, no it is. He's gone...” and only sort of appreciating what that means. Even if you've lost people before, it's still...weird.
    @dorkmuffin – I hope your anxiety has gone down by now. Good on you for being proactive in not letting another sleaze get his way.
    @govSpy – happy your wacky fantastic life continues to grind away.
    @ricochet – yikes and yay and then yikes and yay some more. }:>
    @darkest – congratulations on your first signing!
    @mercurialblonde – this isn't going to help, but sometimes people who end up an internal mess emotionally push away the people who might help, who've promised to help them. In other words, to get what's going on don't listen to her excuses, but try to see why she's making those excuses. I say it isn't going to help because if she wants a divorce that's all there is to it, but those mental health issues are precisely what makes her think that's the best option.
    @chris g – happy birthday past and good for keepin on with your ideals.
    @trini_naenae – it's tough isn't it? You want to think good things about men, and disregard the broad generalization about their emotional immaturity and casual cruelties to women, and then you get to know guys who fit that stereotype just too damn well. So frustrating. (and thanks for the kind words!)
    @Fishelle - ugh that's rough. Please allow for the possibility that he and you may have changed in the past two years and the nature of your relating won't be the same it used to be. Ugh. *hug*
    @nigredo – sucks about the financial fuckup other people did. But Madrid!! I'm jealous. I've been eyeing Spain as a touring destination for over a decade. Sweet...

    first day off after six days on. I can feel my nerves standing down, tension lessening. It's weird. I can literally feel my spine lengthening as I move. But we still have a week to go to get through opening the show, all three performances, and the company meeting after. Averaged four hours of sleep this week, a little to socialized. Time at the theater is time spent with artists and though we're working, we're (theoretically) working together and thus talking/chatting/collaborating...there's a strong social element. Then I go "home" to my friend's couch. And the house is full of people - artists & Burners - and they're up at all hours, hanging, listening to music, watching stuff on Discovery, smoking stuff of which I do not partake and they are very very awesome people, but it's more socializing for me. As much as I've gotten used to being friendly with cool, artistic people, I'm still very much an introvert and desperately need time to myself, space where I can be alone not have to smile at every person who walks in and just... I don't know, concentrate on naval gazing.

    I wasn't going to get today off, initially. But tech got kind of fubar'd and it's too much effort to go into all the nitty gritty, so I'll just say I get frustrated by people who don't understand the nature of collaboration. And that on the upside I got to sleep in my own bed last night instead of my friend's lumpy couch. Back at it again tomorrow.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2012
    @razrangel: Wow, and I reckon I speak for everyone when I say thanks. You know, I'd really like to see some of your theater work someday.
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2012
    Fuck Yeah: Just got my paycheck from Amazon from That Weird City. It's not enough to quit my job on, but it's symbolic. I'm a professional.

    Fuck You: Mild backache is about all I got, which owns.

    Fuck All Y'all:

    @nigredo: That's some buuuullshit.
    @razrangel: Not a thing wrong with needing to be on your own turf.
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2012
    @fleck Well mate, just come out to sunny Los Angeles. How hard could that be? };>