2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333499#Comment_333499 2012-06-05T13:44:59-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

Go.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333503#Comment_333503 2012-06-05T13:51:59-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Internaut http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7307

I've been toying with the thought of a kind of "Predictive Physiology:" trying to predict behavior based on archetypical physical traits found in most people. I'm not sure if this is ...

...that's really all I have at the moment.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333526#Comment_333526 2012-06-05T17:31:12-07:00 2012-06-05T17:33:46-07:00 MrMonk http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6192

My nephew is a knucklehead. His brother is a knucklehead, too. They should be called "The Knucklehead Brothers." But this one knucklehead is such a knucklehead that when he goes to the ...

He was a big-shot high school jock.
He got his girl-friend pregnant.
He was not upset by that, he was upset because he was banned from his school's sports programs.
He thought he would fix things by joining the Marines.
He thought he could tell the other Marines what to do, because he was a big-shot high school jock.
He asked his sergeant if his orders came from President Obama, because Obama was an illegal President and he wouldn't take his orders.
He would like to quit the Marines, and is thinking of not returning from leave.

His girl-friend is just as big a knucklehead as he is. Not only that, she agrees with him and says he shouldn't go back.

I fear for their child.

I think that I could keep on about this for the full 24 hours of the thread.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333529#Comment_333529 2012-06-05T17:50:48-07:00 2012-06-05T18:03:05-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

I'm running out of feasible stars to hang my lasso from, and the approach of pale dawn is fading them away, one by one. (No, wait, really, this isn't as gloomy as it sounds! I swear!) I have ...

(No, wait, really, this isn't as gloomy as it sounds! I swear!)

I have kept the idea of suicide as a comfort in my back pocket for the past ten years. I've never tried it, mostly because I have never made the many things I've had in my head. I've this massive backlog of words and pictures in my brain, growing for the past decade, and I've been telling myself that .... someday.... when I was fixed.... someday when I was a bit better....

I made a conscious decision, you see. I had to stop trying to live life as an adventure, make everything not matter to me anymore, and instead care only about fixing my health. So in my mid twenties, for the third time since I was 19, I took a terrible job just for the health coverage.

(I can't imagine what my life would have been like if, since hitting legal adulthood, I weren't either scrambling for crap jobs that gave me health coverage, or feeling panic, guilt, and familial disapproval when I wasn't)

I stopped drawing for the most part, because it was too depressing and frustrating to watch the decline of my abilities, too maddening to not know when my right hand would cooperate. I stopped reading books because I'd been the kid who read obsessively, and now couldn't keep my eyes or mind focused for even a full hour. It was too Flowers for Algernon an experience, and made me too emotional. I'd just sob.

So I decided to not care. I stopped caring about... well... most things. Because it kept making me upset. Because I was waiting to get fixed. Because if I only focused on that, it'd happen quicker, and then I'd be free. "Nothing matters but getting my health fixed."

I had told myself six or seven years ago that if I didn't have a diagnosis by the time I was 30, then I'd just end it all. As the date neared, I ended up being scheduled for MRIs a few weeks after my 30th birthday. I sobbed. Decided to wait it out.

Now I'm 35. I missed so much time. The older I get, the more I hurt, and the less and less likely it is that things will get better. Even it things do improve, I don't know that I'll ever be happy without being able to say that somehow, all the crap I lived through was worth it. The only way I could see such being the case is if I successfully write and draw from my life through art.

I'm in the process of trying the mad idea of ebaying off three of my paintings. (shameless plug!)



I haven't painted in years (until this week), and they are the only three paintings I have left. I'm trying to convince myself that if I sell them, I'll have to make more new art. I just wanted to sell them off, even if for a pittance, because it seems stupid to keep my paintings instead of sending them out in the world like a message in a bottle. Because I'd rather someone own it than have me hoard my own artwork.

Nobody's bid.

Possibilities and potentials, winking away, one by one.

So, instead, I'm taking the opposite path. I am going to assume I won't get better, and instead remind myself that the adventure and the art of my life are what is important. Nothing else. Health is important, sure, but secondary. It's only a means. There are other means.

My life has made me so very small. I need to be big again.

I'm going to be immense.

I am going to burn so so brightly.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333533#Comment_333533 2012-06-05T17:58:21-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 agentarsenic http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2955

Got into an argument with an anti-natalist who I thought I could have a good debate with, but he dodged questions and got into personal attacks as quickly as possible, rather than discussing things ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333547#Comment_333547 2012-06-05T20:40:59-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183

@agentarsenic: I had to look up what natalist and anti-natalist meant. Huh. Learn something every day. @Rachael: Kudos to you. I wish you the very best at pursuing art to the ...

@Rachael: Kudos to you. I wish you the very best at pursuing art to the fullest.

@MrMonk: Bloody Fucking Hell. I'm so sorry you have someone like that in your life to worry about.

@Fishelle: (from previous open mike etc) Yeah, seeing how unhealthy my parents' relationship can be depressing, but the thing that really bothers me is that his behavior is seen as normal. As just the way men are. Really? Why the fuck would anyone bother is that was normal?

@razrangel: (also previous open mike etc) Thanks. *hugs*

As for me, at work, my ear was feeling itchy as it sometimes does, and I kind of used my shoulder to itch it, and a tick fell onto the pizza I was working on. Needless to say, the pizza got tossed, I got sent to the bathroom to check for more ticks (none, thankfully), and everyone had the heebie geebies for the rest of the evening. I was told there was some blood on the tick, and that it was a deer tick, so when I go to the doctor come Monday (thankfully I already have an appointment), I'll be sure to mention it. Those things are nightmare fodder. And apparently Scott Walker won the recall in Wisconsin by almost 20%. I voted, but ah well. I'll try not to be too cranky about it, because what can I do?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333548#Comment_333548 2012-06-05T20:42:07-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

GET TESTED FOR LYME DISEASE. (maybe even ask to go on antibiotics just in case)

(maybe even ask to go on antibiotics just in case)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333554#Comment_333554 2012-06-05T21:23:13-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183

@Rachael: Yeah seriously. I'm probably going to call tomorrow and ask/tell ahead of time that I want to get tested. I probably don't have to mention that Lyme disease is why I hate ticks so much. ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333564#Comment_333564 2012-06-06T01:06:57-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Will Couper http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=190

Money worries. After a bout of unexpected but unavoidable expenses, we're fucking broke. I'm becoming afraid we'll end up on the streets at this rate. It's really getting to me, because there ...

It's really getting to me, because there seems to be nothing I can do to make a change and turn things around for us.


Will]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333566#Comment_333566 2012-06-06T01:37:16-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075

130am in Los Angeles. Still at the theater. Just finished my report for the evening. Everyone is frustrated. Almost no one really understood how long it would take. The people who did understand ...

Argh.

And we are seeing the roadkill in full color on the video monitors. The lead actress is playing the artist working in roadkill, but the poor actress was looking a little green around the gills.

We can't promise no animals were harmed in the making of the show. But the actual dead critters in the (live) part of the play were dead and taxidermied before we got to them. We swear, cross our hearts and hope to die, we didn't create any roadkill for the play.

Still.

Sometimes a piece of art gets away from you and become so awesome you have to take a moment to really, really hate it. Ok. I'm going home now. Well... "home" being my friend's couch.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333568#Comment_333568 2012-06-06T02:44:24-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

My new braindrugs are working like a chaahm.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333574#Comment_333574 2012-06-06T05:21:23-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 badbear http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1879

This morning I decided to contact someone I very deliberately haven't spoken to in 4 years. He's like fucking kryptonite for me and it's probably a bad idea but I've done it now and I can't take it ...

So I emailed kryptonite. I don't know what I want the outcome to be, I'm sort of hoping that I don't hear back and I'm sort of hoping that I do. I'm sort of hoping that I get told what an asshole I am and that I should go fuck myself... which is a strange thing to hope for. Because I was a dreadful human being with regards to this guy - just a dreadful human being. Like, if I heard about my behavior towards him in the third person, I would be disgusted. I was out of character awful to him and in the end I couldn't take being that ashamed of myself and I felt like all I could do was cut ties entirely in order to protect both of us from each other. It was probably the right thing to do. If I am honest though, and I haven't said this out loud to anyone anywhere, I haven't really stopped thinking about that decision for the past four years. That's a long motherfucking time to feel shitty about something.

I should probably be sticking to my guns. I am probably being a moron. God I hope he's smarter than me. I just couldn't take the denial any more. There is literally no one I trust enough on this earth to talk to about this and about the gigantic fucking mess that is my relationship with him. But I don't know how to excorcise it from my brain. I have been trying to do so for nearly a fucking decade and it's tiring you know? It's fucking tiring.

Fuck. If anyone has any genius ideas on how to stop caring about something then please let me know. Time is supposed to help and it just isn't.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333576#Comment_333576 2012-06-06T05:38:51-07:00 2012-06-06T05:42:23-07:00 Kosmopolit http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1346

The next time someone approaches me in the street and asks for money for some worthy cause, I'm going to offer to donate $100 - on the condition that they give me oral sex first. After all, if ...

After all, if it's such a worthy cause, what's some minor embarassment and a few minutes of minimal physical effort?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333577#Comment_333577 2012-06-06T05:54:51-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Ben Gwalchmai http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3030

@badbear - lose yourself. Exhaust yourself. Forget yourself. Go. Don't stop walking/driving/going until it's all gone. You can walk in circles so long as you walk yourself to the bone - become ...

[I've just re-read this and it reads like a list of commands - sorry (!) - but I really hope this helps because that's how I did it. I've done it twice now after 3 major relationship messes. I've just come off the back of the second time and I feel much better for it.]

@ everyone - hope it picks up, all.

CANNONBILE FROM ABOVE: nah, I'm okay. I've tiny 1st World Problems but I just wanted to add advice.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333581#Comment_333581 2012-06-06T07:04:13-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 badbear http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1879

@Ben Thank you, I'm sure you're right. It feels so insanely private to me that I really haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm sure that hasn't helped the exorcisim of it from my brain. It ...

Thank you, I'm sure you're right. It feels so insanely private to me that I really haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm sure that hasn't helped the exorcisim of it from my brain. It didn't really occur to me that perhaps I haven't been hard enough on myself. Usually I can talk myself out of being emotionally complicated. Or I ignore a problem until it goes away naturally. Which works more than it should.

I'm actually pretty upset and I can't reinforce enough how fucking ridiculous I am being to feel this way. And it's annoying that telling myself I'm being ridiculous doesn't seem to stop me from being so.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333586#Comment_333586 2012-06-06T07:40:40-07:00 2012-06-06T08:12:40-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75

Nightmares. Frustration. Anxiety. Tension. Sadness. Bit of loneliness. Fear. Generally feeling a bit bitter about things. Yep.

Generally feeling a bit bitter about things.

Yep.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333590#Comment_333590 2012-06-06T07:49:33-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Flabyo http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306

Feeling a bit down after watching all the E3 coverage at just how out of ideas we all seem to be up at this end of the games industry. Feels like all the interesting things are happening somewhere ...

Feels like all the interesting things are happening somewhere else now.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333599#Comment_333599 2012-06-06T08:25:57-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Ben Gwalchmai http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3030

@badbear - I fully know that feeling. I knew the 'I'm ridiculous for feeling this way' feeling for about 3 years straight. I hope my solution isn't being too hard on the self [just the body] but I ...

Once I'm sleeping better, [properly better, with no shitty dreams or falling asleep thinking of them thoughts, not just new-mattress better] I begin to feel better.
I hope my exhaustion method can help but I know it's not for everyone.
One good thing about it is that once you get to a sort of '2-jobs, little time to myself, only-necessary-eating, everything-at-my-own-pace' sorta place, you begin to feel quite calm and even a little zen.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333607#Comment_333607 2012-06-06T09:23:00-07:00 2012-06-06T09:23:53-07:00 Kosmopolit http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1346

See I have a different solution and it's going to sound weird and totally inadequate but it does honestly work. Your mind and body are part of one integrated system: it may sound stupid but if you ...

Your mind and body are part of one integrated system: it may sound stupid but if you act out feelings of happiness and excitement you will feel them.

No, really.

Force a big smile onto your face, stand up and throw your arms out while rising onto the balls of your feet.

Repeat as required.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333613#Comment_333613 2012-06-06T10:39:28-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

Jumping Exorcist Using BIG Words I Will Never Understand... I had a nightmare off-thee-scale last-night; It involved loads of dead mates (yes, I'm a morbidron, and reserve the right to say ...

I had a nightmare off-thee-scale last-night; It involved loads of dead mates (yes, I'm a morbidron, and reserve the right to say DEAD!DEAD!DEAD!), some little twats and a psycho I knew who injected shaving-foam into a hamster and set it on fire to pass the time whilst waiting to score (seriously!) These shits broke into my "home" when I was a toss-pot peddler of misery as a teenager, and stole my "chemistry set". The cunts knew I took my intellectual husks to the cinema every Monday-neet, to see films that you needed a degree to understand e.g The Incredible Melting Man, The Thing, The Warriors etc.

In the dream, I grabbed one of them by la genitalius, twisted them 360 degrees, and informed him I was going to rip his face-off and fook his skull. If Lord Morpheus had turned up, I probably would have used his body as a crack-pipe, and smoked Delirium's knickers!

I just got back from das klinic, where I spent hours filling in my electronic application to go into The Max Glatt loony-bin. I've been given some info on my choice of rehabs for after, and they look quite good. I saw a good lad I know and like from Portugal yesterday, riddled with cancer and aids. He did a chair in a meeting, and something this...specimen said afterwards (I know this creep, he's a sex-predator), made me want to eviscerate him. ARRGGGHH!

Fuck John Constantine, his shit is sloppy next to mine!
Fuck DC for doing their pre-Watchmen comic. I don't care if it's good, or whatever...fuck 'em!
And fuck me with a Bible, because I probably deserve it.

SHUT UP!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333614#Comment_333614 2012-06-06T10:43:31-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6088

I just want to punch everyone today.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333616#Comment_333616 2012-06-06T10:57:39-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Yskaya http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1359

I suspect I'm secretly being trained for a covert op. As far as secrets go, it is cryptic in it's obviousness. Oh hey I managed to get the most simple cms* working by not doing a double think. ...

As far as secrets go, it is cryptic in it's obviousness.

Oh hey I managed to get the most simple cms* working by not doing a double think.
Artwise: Free NDA's for everyone!


*I'm incredibly happy with this dudes cms so he gets a mention, because money and compliments is even nicer. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333626#Comment_333626 2012-06-06T12:10:56-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485

Short on bile this week, thankfully. Still fighting the bastard black dog off with a stick but just about holding my own. Spent most of the weekend at my parents with my girlies. Sister was there ...

Spent most of the weekend at my parents with my girlies. Sister was there as well, was really nice to relax and not worry about stuff, also my partner could put her feet up too. Had an interesting conversation with my dad about my grandfather as well - I knew he'd been in the far east during the war, but I'd always thought he didn't see combat. He'd never talked about it to me when he was alive, and apparently didn't talk to dad either until quite late in life when he was taken to a Japanese garden in Cornwall. It's one of dad's favorite places, and mine also, but my grandfather had a total meltdown there and freaked out - turned out to be some form of post traumatic thing about bamboo. He'd been a cabin boy on the Queen Mary when war broke out, and lied about his age to enlist. He'd ended up, at about 19 years old, not a trained soldier but an RAF aircraft fitter, being ordered to hack through jungle in Malaya with a machete as the Japanese army advanced on Singapore, in the knowledge that anywhere in the thick bamboo could be Japanese troops and almost certain death. As the Allied forces retreated as Singapore fell, he was assigned, again without any training or experience, to man a bomber's tailgun during the evacuation and shoot at the pursuing planes. I'd never understood why he'd maintained such a hatred for the Japanese before, I'd never been able to square that with the immensely kind and quite gentle man that I remember, but I guess that the trauma of that experience had haunted him. Bloody hell... My other grandfather was at Singapore as well, as a bomber navigator - can't help wondering if they ever met...

Peace to all...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333629#Comment_333629 2012-06-06T12:32:28-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Argos http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792

I had a mini-mental breakdown the other day where I was feeling powerless about my life and anxious and depressed and angry all at the same time. I am better today (in fact i'm doing quite well ...

hopefully. It can still not work out, but I've done my part and did the best I could and gathered all the paperwork I need for this, at this point it's just waiting for everything to process and hoping it goes well. I wish I could talk about the details here so that I didn't have to be so cryptic about what my shit is and explain why it makes me feel like such crap, but it's just too fucking personal.

In any case, ((hugs)) to all. Goodness knows we can never have enough hugs in this thread.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333653#Comment_333653 2012-06-06T14:35:35-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719

@GovSpy, we can form a super-punching-duo, replete with baller costumes. (I want to punch everything too)

(I want to punch everything too)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10704&Focus=333656#Comment_333656 2012-06-06T14:40:07-07:00 2013-05-24T23:12:17-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

You're all terrible moaning weaselhawks and I cherish you all. ENDZ.

ENDZ.]]>