Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-11T07:19:35-07:00

The Rules:

The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

Begin.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-11T08:29:22-07:00

BOO: My computer is busted, which makes writin' a hard business indeed. I'm finding myself working through lunches, too, which is killing my word time. Money's tight, too, but that's all over. I'm screwing the pooch on publishing Weaponizer stories. All is holding together, and better than in the past, but only just.

YAY: My cat, who'd lost a significant and alarming amount of weight, is in perfect health; he was just spiting his younger brother who is a dick at mealtime. I'm planning a trip to NYC in September. I'm down 25 pounds and two waist sizes since late May.

APPLAUSE: For all of you. You're all a boot in my ass, and I wouldn't have made it this far creatively without this place.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-11T08:45:46-07:00

BOO: Related to Faux's post, really - Weaponizer blog isn't as busy as it could be (although to be fair, Faux's done a bunch of work, so he should stop beating himself up). I've taken on a new editor, and I know that the quietness is due to unavoidable personal stress rather than lack of enthusiasm from my crack team of blog ninjas... I'll be back in the saddle properly after my Masters course finishes next month, so I'm confident we can turn this BOO into a YAY pretty quickly. I was down in London recently and Vertigojones reminded me that I was still sitting on some of his stories, submitted a while back. I know this is a big ask but if you're in the same position, and are wondering where the hell your story's gone, please do email me! I'll be comissioning for issue 2 of the mag soon as well.

YAY: Related, again - was super incredibly awesome to hang out with KurtJHanson, Vertigojones, nigredo and Den Patrick last week while down in London. What a fucking brilliant bunch of dudes. I was down to attend The Daggers, a race which I had a horse in... didn't win, but what a great night, met novelist Steve Mosby (also an epic dude) and the venerable Frederick Forsyth, which was fanboy central for me. Am now putting the final polish and last few chapters onto the first draft of my novel, and Steve Toase is up for doing a manuscript swap once we're done, so we can crit each others' work. Looking forward to that. This is a major YAY for me, I really feel (scratch that, KNOW) I am going to finish this book, only the second time I've managed to finish a novel... the first one was horrible. This one... marginally less so. Feels good. Very much trying to abide by a great piece of advice another writer gave me: "Get it on the page.. and make it less worse." The next stage should also be fun - I get to pick the brains of a retired Detective Inspector about police procedure, hopefully clearing up some of my more glaring lifts from CSI and The Bill, and adding a layer of credibility to the story...

APPLAUSE: Well done on the weight loss, Faux. Good effort. Also, although he hasn't posted here yet, I want to add an APPLAUSE for Flecky, who is about to go into rehab - best of luck mate, we're all rooting for you.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-11T16:12:27-07:00

The BOO:

I mentioned this, I think. A friend I have. Who I'd met in the late 90s. Who I had an instant crush on and who had a crush on me, but we met through his friend whom I was briefly dating at the time. And we'd hardly seen each other in the past ten years, until recently.

We had an almost kiss, but I kind of .... avoided. I feel so very closed off physically. And first-kissing sober is really fucking terrifying. I thought this was kind of a universal difficulty. So I started asking around:

"When is the last time you had a first-kiss completely sober? Have you done so as an adult?"

And most people have. Seems like it's not something that folks take issue with. And I'm really quite flabbergasted at this. It's inconceivable to me. It's not a matter of possible rejection. It's a matter of intimacy and exposure. Someone I'm willing to kiss sober means I really actually like them. This makes contact that much more difficult, because it's an emotional gesture of affection. I literally freeze. Or start talking in a manic uncontrollable manner. Or run away. Or have a panic attack. But drunk fucking, jeez, who cares?! Also, sex and bodies, they are natural and everything, but also, kind of gross. I feel about sober first-kissing the way Bill Hicks feels about not smoking in NYC.

I've been researching, reading, and thinking retroactively about myself, and... well, it seems likely that I'm on some scale of Asperger's. There's clinically diagnosed OCD, ADHD, Tourette's all over my mom's side of the family, with a notoriously weird aunt who we've all suspected has some kind of Autism or something (she was a scientist but had such mad delusions of romance with her head scientist to the point of being escorted off the premises, has logic that defies logic, but has an amazing memory and a robot brain). And there's a cousin on the other side with Asperger's.

The more I read, and the more I look back on conversations throughout my life, the more it rather makes sense. This, for example, is exactly me. Thinking back to the many complaints of being too Spock like, of being too naive in sexual situations, that I don't seem to understand that other people don't think the same way I do, of being too literal, of wearing different social faces/facets too easily to the point of partners questioning who I really am, etc etc. I suppose I should be very very thankful for the acting classes I took consistently from ages 6 to 13. And I suppose it makes sense as to why I have such difficulty getting dressed, because in doing so i'm donning my persona for the day, and that's a big choice. And I guess I just get everything wrong when it comes to the more normal side of my family, and why they don't seem to like me or find my questions rude or weird.

I guess all those social things I strategically navigate or had to consiously learn are things that everyone else really does do naturally. How very odd. Now, even more than before, I guess I've got to get myself to a psychologist.

The YAY:

I explained my brain to my friend and he's rather similar so we are still being awesome together. But not kissing. Not for now at least. Maybe later. So that's awesome. But we can't seem to stop talking. Or writing. Or hanging out. Our brains work in the same manners, from the same tributaries. We can speak in metaphor/reference/memory shorthand in so many of the same rare dialects, and not just the same color of geekery, either! We are actually far more similar than I'd ever thought, actually. I don't know if this is dangerous, or rude, but I've been entirely honest about myself, and so has he, so.... we continue. It's weird and fun to laugh this much. Or have someone to talk to that understands EXACTLY why I was giddy at the chance of living somewhere with the street address 16-42 and a zipcode of 11385. It's not just a matter of someone who is hip to the movie references I make, it's a whole manner of metaphorical language. I really do think and speak in whole phrases and ideas, and it gets abstract and hard for me to communicate at times. It's like finding the Darmok to my Jalad. :D

CLAPPITY CLAP CLAP (from the previous thread):

@JPCarpenter: Well, at least your partner got in a bit of time with her folks living nearby for a while before his health went straight downhill? I hope the kids are taking it ok.

@DavidLeJeune: Y'know what? It's not worth it to be miserable. You aren't going to meet people you enjoy while you are in a place you hate location-wise, life-state wise, self-wise. You are biding your time, y'know? And time just keeps going faster the longer it goes. Maybe going back to LA isn't the answer. You've already been there. But as for myself, doing something mad and taking a chance and making myself try at something I wasn't expecting, even if it's miserable and hard, is SO MUCH BETTER than the daily downward spiral of a life that I dread. Then again, I've got absolutely no financial or life security whatsoever, so take that into consideration with any advice I give.

@Fauxhammer - Go Faux! 25 pounds is no joke! Hooray!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-11T19:24:13-07:00

@Rachael: I can feel for you because I have been diagnosed with Aspergers myself. When I was diagnosed, one of the first things I did was join the nearest Autism society and find out what newsletters, support groups and services they have for people who are on the Spectrum. A lot of their services were geared towards children on the Spectrum and their parents, but now they're bringing in more services for adults on the Spectrum. They used to have a weekend games session, but lately they have an Out of Sync group that meets every fortnight. Basically, it's a social group and you go there to meet and socialise with people who are on the Spectrum.

So if you think you're on the Spectrum, how about checking out your nearest Autism group and see what services they can offer?

@Fauxhammer: Congratulations on slimming your cat down. I know from experience that it is no easy matter. My own cat just seems to get heavier.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-12T05:17:20-07:00

MEHR GUT: I thought my Concerta stopped working, and I'd need to up my dose. Then yesterday I got very, very faint--turns out my body couldn't supply the energy my brain demanded because I wasn't eating. I ran out, grabbed a quesadilla, and all of a sudden I could hear the bass riff to "Ace Of Spades" in my nervous system. Looks like I'm going to have to eat more. I doubled down on protein bars on my way in.

MEHR SCHLECHT: Office skulduggery is going on. I don't like it.

ALLE LEUTE:

@texture: I just don't want you to think I'm not committed, is all. SHIT I still owe you an email! ARRRRGH

@Rachael: Getting diagnosed with shit like that is a new lease on life. Once my shrink put me on the Concerta and the Zoloft, I felt like Fauxhammer v2.0; still me, but better. If you can swing it, I highly recommend it. And hanging out with somebody awesome is never a bad thing! Just because you don't feel like mingling essences doesn't mean you can't have a mutually fulfilling interaction, and don't let anybody tell you different.

@dnewling: I wish it were that kind of weight loss--we brought him in for leaving pissdrops on the rug and a slight tremor in his forelimb, but the vet took one look at him and said "That is one skinny-ass cat", and that's why she ordered the ultrasound.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-13T17:52:11-07:00

@Rachael: Have you heard of the book 'All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome' by Kathy Hoopmann? This book uses cat photos to illustrate the symptoms (and advantages) of Aspergers syndrome. Yes, there are advantages to Asperger syndrome. You can even make a career out of them if you utilise them correctly.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-13T20:37:36-07:00

The Bad: I'm in a game on RPoL and was in a scene with another player who was making me wait. After a week of this I complained to the GM. Today I found out that the person I complained about for being slow to respond in the game had died. So, along with being at least a little sad, I now feel like an utter shit for complaining in the first place.

The Good: I'm getting extra hours at work so, yay money.

The Applause: Good on you, Rachael. I have no idea who Darmok and Jalad(*) are, but I think it's awesome that your Jalad has found a Darmok.

(*) At least, not yet. Figure in just a little bit, I'll look it up on Google and be told there.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T05:34:53-07:00

Boos -- Got nothing. Life is good.

YaYs -- Life is good. House is awesome, cat isn't scratching the wood, work is going really well.

Apple Sauce -- JohnJones -- There is no way you could have known that he had moved on. Did you even know that he was sick at all? Don't beat yourself up over it. You took appropriate steps based on the knowledge you had at the time. That's the best you can expect from anyone, you did nothing wrong.
PS: Star Trek, "Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra". (Just in case you're still wondering what Rachael is talking about.)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T10:56:30-07:00

@ Warped Savant I know I shouldn't, but I still feel bad. One of reasons I feel bad is that I see a kind of horrible, Louis CK kind of humor in the situation. The game I'm in is a kind of Battlestar Galactica offshoot using the Game of Thrones rules. So, there's a lot more emphasis on political and social intrigue than on physical confrontation. My character and this other person's character were about to get sexually intimate . So, there's not just an element of "why is this person late" there's also the "why is this person late For The Sex." On the other hand, it's not as bad as it could have been. The GM in the game offered to take control of the character in order to finish the scene and I said I'd prefer to wait a few more days. So, I could easily have been in the position of having sex with this dead person's character - necrophilia by proxy, I suppose.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T11:41:52-07:00

Got a new roommate. This is both good and bad.
Lost a job. This is both good and bad.
Waiting to hear back about an apartment in Montreal. This is, well, pretty fucking sketchy, right now.

Trying to get some creative-type-stuff going with all this newfound free time. But really, it's too fucking hot, and I just wanna watch Battlestar Galactica. So, fuck it.

Applesauce for everyone that has something genuine to complain about. Also, johnjones, I am totally going to write a short story about your experience. That is an unfortunate yet deeply intriguing scenario.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T12:04:37-07:00

Good
Made my first Cafe Press site, at the request of some co-workers. I'm pretty pleased about it; and amused. It makes me giggle, just knowing it exists. Also decided to try to make a graphic novel mostly out of printer paper and crayola markers. About Fragonard and Body Thieves and whatnot, while working on scribblies for the Apartment of Horror stuffs.
...it feels like I'm getting back into being artsy and more myself.
I'm also getting into the habit of putting on sunscreen in the morning, which seems to be working well for preventing the dreaded itchies of doom.

Bad
-I am WAY behind in my knitting; working on a group project for my mom's knitting group, everyone else is nearly done and I haven't even cast on. The heat's also been making it hard for me to keep my liquids and salt balance right so I've been having way more stupid moments than I should. Why did I leave my iced coffee randomly on the hallway floor? Hell if I know. There's definitely a learning curve going on with my medication and depression and how they interact with everything. :P

Applesauce
@Allana-
It's been stupidly hot here, too. Total saps one of the will to do anything.
@JohnJones-
Sounds like a bit of an awkward moment. But it's not like you intended for it to occur, or could have prevented it. Things happen. Granted, you don't generally think of death in a situation like that.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T19:32:32-07:00

The Boo: Way too hot in America while it is cold and wet and winter where I am. And I've got a head cold, but I still have to work.

The Hurrah: I'm knitting as well; I'm making puppy jumpers for the puppies at the animal shelter with wool that I spin myself.

@Rootfireember: I'm not sure how anyone can knit in that heatwave.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T21:55:35-07:00

@Dnewling-
Okay. I totally want to see the puppy jumpers when you're done. I might have to ask for the pattern when I get a dog next year. :o)
I'm currently working in sock yarn. It helps, some. But most of my stuff is worsted wool. Oi.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T23:01:10-07:00

@Rootfireember: Here is a link to the pattern, which I found after more searching on the web. But you'll have to copy and paste it; for some reason the link function won't cooperate.
www.wellingtonspca.org.nz/documents/Puppyjumperpatternv2.pdf

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-14T23:03:44-07:00

@dnewling
~~-invisible link is invisible. :( What site are you using?~~
-gotcha.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-15T17:41:17-07:00

The Boo: I'm going to the doctor; these persistent illnesses and sore throats are getting beyond a joke.

The Hurrah: Work is still coming along nicely despite illness.

@John Jones: Mentally send lots of loving thoughts to the person you complained about. I find this meditation useful if I upset someone.

Update: I'm back from the doctor with antibiotics. And we've just seen a rare sight - a kereru (wood pigeon) in our street. Now that is really something! Kereru are endangered and are on the protected list.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-16T13:31:06-07:00

the rubbish

Was a really hard week last week, but I don't think I've actually got anything done, I've been really under the weather with a nasty cold but I've not been able to take any time off. And the weather here has remained absolutely dreadful, I try not to let it get to me too much because people who moan about the weather all the time are intensely boring, but to be still wearing winter coats in July is taking the piss more than a little bit. Because I've been trying to keep my head above water in the office, I've been going in really early, and getting up at 4:15 in the morning – it's nearly worth it for the two hours of focus that I get before everyone comes in at nine, but it's an insanely long day. Spent all of Saturday trying to resurrect old computers and not succeeding.

The huzzah
Partner's father is out of hospital for now, they finally found a drug that got his heart rate down from 220 to something approaching normal. Mother in law is really struggling with him though, he's not an easy patient and I think she really resents being a full time carer as well as having three dogs and two cats to look after. Older daughter seems a bit happier - still having a few problems, but some of them are self inflicted; she doesn't seem to be able to integrate well with other kids or see things from another perspective.

Was my youngest daughter's 4th birthday yesterday and we managed a cold, windy, but at least not rainy, day out for her. Still think she's the cutest thing on earth.
And I'm on holiday for two weeks from this Friday. Have a mountain of stuff to do this week but nothing I'm really stressing over, unlike last year when I got so fraught it took the full two weeks to calm down, and by the time I went back I was in a worse state than I'd left.

Applause
@johnjones - gawd, that's a weird one...
@Rachael - har, the last time I first kissed anyone I don't think I was ever sober, but I think I might have been less drunk than normal... h
@dnewling - head colds are evil. hope you shake it soon

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-16T14:10:29-07:00

@JP Carpenter: thank you. It now looks like the root trouble was a throat infection. Antibiotics are on it now, but it may be a little while before they take affect. I see I'm not the only one who's been having trouble with illness either.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-17T11:27:01-07:00

Boo:
My weight is really getting to me. Well, not so much the weight, but the appearance. I actually haven't gained any weight and am in fact losing, but due to travel, work, emotional stuff, the heat and downright tiredness I haven't been to the gym in a few months and all the hard and firm parts of my body that made it look like I was 10-15lbs lighter are getting squishy and spreading out again and it's been causing me some distress. Have been intentionally wearing baggy clothes lately because I don't feel good. And of course I made it worse by attempting to get some new clothes. Nearly broke down in tears. "KANEDAAAAA" etc.

Also starting to feel like some beer industry folks are regarding me as some kind of pathetic joke and have been questioning my worth going in to brew school, as I know lots about beer, but still have much to learn regarding the making of beer. Know it can be solved with homebrewing, but money is an issue (ingredients and needing a $189 brewpot to make the strong beers I want to make). I dunno. We'll see...

YAY:
Well, the good news is some people definitely don't see me as a joke regarding beer stuff and I was honoured to get two bottles of a champagne beer and a Kwak glass. And the television appearances have been doing me some good regarding publicity.

Got a cheque I've been waiting for in today, and will be picking up new earphones, as both my earphones cacked out on me.

Been spending time with someone that makes me smile.

The pool in our backyard will be good to swim in this week, thank christ.

HUZZAH:
@JP, glad to hear that your partner's father is out of the hospital. And have a great holiday!
@allana, fingers crossed on Montreal apartment!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-17T11:35:55-07:00

@oldhat No matter how much you know, how hard you work, or how much passion you have, some of the people in any established industry you are just entering will always treat you like a joke, and snicker behind their hands. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. Keep showing up and soon they will just have to accept you're there to stay. YOU ARE THE BEER GODDESS. Believe!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-17T12:24:57-07:00

@hatter-
You're a hard worker, and still learning. If people can't understand that, and feel you need a gabillion dollars in equipment to know stuff, they can sod off and engage in morally questionable acts involving a broken chainsaw and some used cooking oil. Keep on doing the beer stuff. I like hearing about your adventures with them; and you're a good, accessible form of knowledge for us folks that don't have the time or understanding to even start with that kind of stuff. Kepp on rocking.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-17T13:54:34-07:00

Stuck in traffic:
Been feeling rough - tired, achey, stiff joints and general crappiness, add in the wettest summer since history began and the overall effect on my mood has been somewhat grim. Even my little bits of recreational photographic fun have been giving me gypp, i've been wrestling with colour and monitor calibration problems and feeling like i'm getting nowhere with any of it. Ok.deep breath - time to calm down and take stock, self criticism can be self destructive if you let it get out of hand. I'm still breathing and life is, compared to my fairly recent past, pretty damn good, humanity has not yet managed to fuck things up completely and there's lots of interesting stuff for me to see before they do. I should stop bloody moaning and get out there, shouldn't i? (By the way, i am still howlingly sorry for what i said about Hex, it wasn't meant the way it sounded and i feel like an utter cunt now. i hope he's ok and really, his world view is more than a bit optimistic compared to mine. Still, mustn't grumble, eh?)

The joys of the open road:
The basic necessities are all nicely catered for - enough work to keep me ticking over, but not so much that i've got no time for myself, enough money in the bank to cover my bills and a little left over just for fun and even in all this bloody rain a little bit of sunshine here and there, enough to get out and take a few pictures, even if i do think they're all crap. I try, i fail, i try again. I LEARN! (Well, eventually i suppose) Which brings me to...

Need a lift?
Flecky, obviously, because you, sunshine, are a bleedin' hero - the beast has had it's way with you, chewed you up and left you mangled and wrecked in the gutter. You've picked yourself up, wobbling, sick and nearly beaten, and you have kicked the bastard right in the tender bits. Mr Flecky i want you to WIN! Weston's not bad if you get a chance to have a look around, lots of ruddy great scenery and this time of year, dragonflies like you wouldn't believe. See if you can get them to take you down to Brean Down for the day, it'll take your breath away! Life goes up life goes down, rough and smooth, the trick is to keep going, walk, crawl, drag yourself along with your fingers if you have to, just don't stop! I WANT YOU TO WIN!

Oldhat: Brew school? The clue is in the name - you go there to learn stuff. If you knew it all already you wouldn't need to go. Ignore the snarking, you have a most excellent blog, you have been on the telly and therefore are at least a little bit famous and, if you'll pardon me for saying so, you is CUTE! If you've been with someone who makes you smile i'll bet you've been making them smile too! What was that i said about self criticism?

Rachael: Snogging? Hurrah!

Everyone else: Keep going, be strong, endure! The shit will pass!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-19T07:13:34-07:00

Boo: I'm going through bankruptcy and a bunch of therapy because, hi! I'm Lexie and I'm a walking starving/tortured artist cliche. I'm several thousand miles from a young Scottish lad I fell in love with in London and it will likely be several months before I see him again. I also seem to have lost my photography muse at the moment.

Yay: I made myself some bloomers, recently. I didn't know I could do that. I have lots of time to make things/art at the moment and a part time job in a music venue. After many years of half-heartedly searching, I've discovered male ejaculate that tastes delicious to me. I've perfected both the grilled cheese sandwich and the chocolate chip cookie. And I'm unpacking things I love and haven't seen since 2008 (holy crap old convention photos!).

@oldhat I think you're sexy as fuck. And it's only a little bit because you're a badass beermeister. <3

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-19T09:18:35-07:00

Got rejected from a Montreal apartment because of my guarantor. Got rejected from a student line-of-credit because of the same guarantor. Really, outrageously, wreaking-a-path-of-destruction-y unhappy about this.

Need a guarantor. I don't know anyone who isn't AT LEAST as poor and miserable as me. Need a guarantor.

@lex, how would you describe the flavour of said male ejaculate?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-19T14:33:55-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my bicycle just got stolen.

Dear Universe, Please to be kicking the rest of the shit out of me now. I can't handle all the whittling.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-19T16:58:39-07:00

The Fuck: I got laid off today. After four years (six if you count the two years as a temp) working for THQ, after moving to Phoenix in order to keep working for THQ, the decision was made to close the Phoenix office and move all QA operations to Montreal. We were told about this on Tuesday and informed that this transition would be taking place over the next few months, with planned completion in mid to late December. Today HR came out and handed us our end date packages and stuff, and my end date was today. The biggest 'fuck you' of all this being that no offer was even made for relocation of my group to Montreal (not that any of us were going to take it if it were offered). Because apparently the people who have liaised with Microsoft on behalf of the company for the past five years can easily be replaced.

The Fuck Yeah(ish): Since the lease on my apartment was up at the end of this month, I now have absolutely nothing tying me to Phoenix. So I can move back home to California, where the hills are green nine months out of the year (and on fire the other three), where there is ocean (that may now be mildly radioactive), and mountains that get snow on them, and friends, and family, and bartenders that know that YOU DO NOT MUDDLE THE FUCKING FRUIT IN AN OLD FASHIONED. I just have to find a place to live ('cuz I ain't moving back in with either of my parents) and get a new job that's commensurate with my old one.

The Hooray For Other People:
@Rachael: Hooray for finding someone new you click with! As a fellow self-diagnosed likely autism spectrum person I completely get how fucking hard that is.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-19T19:07:57-07:00

The Boo: Still getting over my illness and plagued by a nagging dry cough.

The Hurrah: would you believe - a cough medicine that tastes nice? Well, this one does; it has a peachy taste.

@Davidlejeune: So you are on the autism spectrum too? Welcome aboard!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T01:23:11-07:00

Crazy-making: Kinda splashing around in life, not sure how to make myself just fucking pick a direction and go. Have driven myself to distraction trying to come up with what to write on my "About Me" page on my Web site/blog. I try to keep in mind that the idea of the site was to be somewhat professionalish. So my natural inclination to say silly things about myself, make up lies and the occasional sublime nonsense has to step aside. But that leaves me with ...what? boring ass facts? What do I present about myself? And how should I make it get through? Every thing I've ever come up with that is direct and professional comes off as marketing-babble bullshit. But if I don't take myself seriously as a pro, who will? I know it comes down to trying to do too many things (NTM because in practice I get so overwhelmed I end up doing nothing), but it means I don't know which to put at the top. Am I voice actor first? Am I dramaturg first? Am I translator first? A student of a Japanese? A stage manager? Every single one of these requires attention and work and I don't know which should take priority so... too many days I don't do any and my About Me doesn't refer to any such endeavors.

Happy-making: Free and clear of the play and venturing back into performing for my own sake. Improv on the mic last night; wonderful results. Always a treat to impress the teacher and still learn a bunch. I felt really great about my work and know what needs to improve, and the teacher even noted I've improved so much - in a mock-abused way that I did it while away from her. };> A free improv session tonight that was rather a lot of fun, uncovering emotional layers and noting where certain areas were weak, all in a very supportive, thoughtful environment. Another class (all day! in front of a pro I've never met but admire! eek!) on Saturday. A few more classes I need to quickly decide whether or not to take. Feels good to get back on the horse. Now just need to get my shit in order and get to auditioning!

Also have been invited to go see Dead Can Dance with my best friend. fuckfuckfuck YESSS!

Sounds of comfort and I got your back: @allana. Holy shit. If I only did some voodoo so I could hoodoo up some good turns for you. Jebus. All I got are virtual hugs and good thoughts. *hugs*
@David - well finally you can get your ass back to LA where you belong. You and Phoenix never got along. Get back to what you were supposed to be doing all this time. Rock it, man.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T02:47:22-07:00

Down in the Dark place:

The project is in the final mad days before we decide to stop fixing the 'cosmetic' bugs and just get the thing out of the door. Everyone is tetchy, and obsessed with the metrics (bug fix rate, fix fail rate, bugs per day and so on). I hate this part of every game I've ever worked on, there's always something that gets found late and while we really want to fix you have to balance risk/reward (any code change can introduce new bugs, fixing something can actually make things worse...) It's the point where the money-men take over really, when you start needing to worry about missing marketing deadlines and so on.

I've been thinking for some time now that I'm probably at the end of this part of my career, that this sort of large team AAA game development has ran it's course for me. There are plenty of younger and more talented people in the studio now than me, and all I really bring to the table is my experience and grouchiness. I'd go off and do indie stuff in a heartbeat if I felt I had a broad enough skillset to do solo game development. But I can't draw or model for shit, and noone wants to buy games with only coder art...

Shiny Happy Place:

Summer is *finally* looking like it'll arrive in the UK this week. The jet stream is moving to where it's meant to be and we'll get a break from the near constant rain. The Olympics start soon, and cause I'm not a Londoner I'm quite looking forward to it. There's a lot of crappy stuff going on around it with all the draconian restrictions on advertising and so on, but I only really care about the sport, and this will be the first of the true 'HD era'. The BBC will have 20 odd live HD streams, so we'll be able to watch any of it we want to.

To Others:

@DavidLejeune - THQ seem to be living on borrowed time at the moment, a real shame cause they have some really good stuff there. It's not a good time to be in AAA games these days is it?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T04:09:38-07:00

@razrangel

DCD. I. Am. So. Fucking. Jealous.

Oh alright, I'm here now. Stuff:

Boo: I just can't seem to write or make pictures at the pace I intend. Everything takes more time than I want it to. Honestly though, THAT'S IT. And that's FUCKING AMAZING.

Hurrah: The mere fact that the boo is so minimal, possibly for the first time since I was about 10 years old. The much larger dose of happy pills are working perfectly. I've been off the booze five months. Things are good with the family. I'm not even tensing for the next hammer blow, as I always have when things have been good for a little while. I'm actually just enjoying what's actually happening, hour to hour. This is... weird. Good, but really, really different to anything I've known.

@Flecky - maybe it feels to you sometimes like you're just venting when you post here, but I for one really appreciate it. To know there are others who have been to Hell and lived to walk the soil again has made it possible sometimes. And I'm here to tell you - man, it can really be better. The old shit, it doesn't totally leave you, but it doesn't have to stain every waking moment either.

This.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T08:50:30-07:00

Yaymeister:

Had a fun "losing the track of time while chatting" kind of first date which I already told about elsewhere, been chatting online for a couple of days and planning on two dates later: going to see Batman and exploring an industrial abandonment where you may need to do a runner from the rent-a-cops. Neither of us are looking for anything seriously exclusive now, and I'm happy as a baby in a barrelful of nipples that although if nothing romantic comes out of this, feels like I've found a pal that has so far came across as very fun and interesting. The latter is what I'm after primarily, and if something else happens, double the yay for that. Nevertheless, it's been ages since I've been genuinely enthusiastic about a person this way, and she hasn't pepper sprayed me so far, so yay ^^ (yes that's a fucking anime eye smiley, so sue me ;)

Shitcookie:

It may be that within the next five years or so I'll have to get a cane, a knee operation and if worst comes to worst, both. My left knee is fucked up from the martial arts I did a lot when I was younger, and other assorted acrobatics that don't really fit my physique but I've done nevertheless. It's been worse and better throughout the years, but ever since an... erm... physical discussion a couple of years back, it has been hurting and clicking when I walk. Kneeling through last week in the archaeological dig seemed to really aggravate it, and I've been walking like House for the previous week or so. A few years back when it was really hurting I asked a sports doc about the options, and her opinion was that there's little to do: they can operate, but it's as likely as not to make things just worse faster. Oh well, time to start shopping for that sword cane and trying to grow a dastardly mustache. Or maybe the motherfucker will go *click* again as it did once a few years back and stop hurting. Here's to hoping.

Mosh, damn you, mosh!

@Flabyo: Final crunch, never happy. A lot of coder type people have escaped the AAA treadmill and just found similarly disillusioned artists and writers. That kind of transition might be scary as balls, but many people have managed, and some of them have hit some sort of goldmineish thing with a mobile game or something similar. Why not try it out, and if it doesn't work, by what you've told about your background your CV should make a pretty nice *thunk* on the table if you decide to return to the AAA monkey house.

@allana: Broke as fuck myself now, so I get how you feel :/ That utterly sucks. Also, bike thiefs - fucking bike thieves. That's fucking low.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T11:25:04-07:00

@Vorn- Hurting/clicking- most of my joints do that. Maybe some glucosamine supplements would help ease it a bit, until you can get it taken care of?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T12:53:08-07:00

@Roo:

Unlikely, seeing as this is "mechanical damage". I do have a little bit of, um, overmobile joints, ie. I can pop my shoulder half out of its socket if I so choose to do, but the knee is simply fuxored because of too much bad kicking in martial arty teenage years / early 20's :/

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-20T12:53:56-07:00

@texture, roo, roadscum & lex: Thanks guys. It's...I don't know. I'm pretty knowledgeable in the process and can talk beer with beer industry folks, but I think in the end I'm just this person with a blog trying stuff when I can afford to and not a "real" beer journo whose job it is to do this stuff and I know that's part of what may be their mindset. As for the school...knowledge in some of the basics of brewing and recipe formulation (my admitted weak point) is needed and expected, so that's why I do need some fancy stuff to get there, but...we'll see, I guess. Regardless, I'm working at it best I can (and when money allows) and getting my name out there, so that's something.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-21T02:05:16-07:00

@oldhat having spent a *lot* of time over the last month with 'real' beer/gin/wine journalists... the vast majority of them don't 'know' more than a basic amount either (OK, some of the wine guys have a masterofwines and are *seriously* impressive but they are the exception). I'm completely new (although I kept bar some in my early 20's) & can certainly kick most of the younger chaps to the curb (am 'old' but not *that* old) plus I am nice :-)

So yeah, as Texture says. Plus ime those who do actually know and matter are nice people who don't do that (and indeed share knowledge etc). But that could just be over here where its a tiny tiny gene pool?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-21T03:18:11-07:00

@oldhat My experience of breaking into music writing reminds me of the situation you describe in a few ways.

I started working for a free paper in 2005, and did 3 years unpaid as an editor and features writer. As the paper grew, a few people got paying jobs out of it, but I wasn't one of them. I started applying for jobs with other magazines and papers, and was laughed out of the room quite a few times - I was told that working for a free paper didn't count, no matter who I had interviewed, or what skills I had acquired.

A few years down the line, and the paper has grown to be one of the widest-distributed and most-read in Scotland, I'm being paid to work for them as an editor and being paid per feature, and there's a chance they may hire me for a monthly salary in the future. Now, the money's not brilliant, and probably will never be. But to my mind, if you're being paid to do it, that means you're a professional, at least on some level. For example, I can now get accreditation for music festivals, book festivals. One day I may even have an expense account(!).

This all started in 05 when a bunch of people with only a tiny amount of experience all decided: "Fuck it, lets be music journalists." Why am I telling this story? I reckon it illustrates that the only difference between me now, and me in 05, is that I just kept showing up. I stuck around. Eventually I became part of the scenery... Same story really for the magazine.... in 05 we were upstarts, pretenders, a joke to some. Now we sponsor music festivals and club nights, we have links to TV and other media. We're another brand in that landscape, no longer the new kids on the block.

Getting your name out there and sticking with it will pay off eventually, it just may take a while. :) Not discrediting the idea of professional training, degrees, apprenticeships and internships and that kind of thing, at all... I could benefit from all these things. But in my experience, sheer bloody-minded persistence, and passion for your subject, is more important. :)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-21T07:29:10-07:00

BOO-HOO! - Broke, lonely (& unpleasantly horny), still haven't recovered from the awesomeness of the North American Trip Thing. Seriously, that was quite possibly the best time. The downside is this immense post-high low that I've been in for a few months now. Not really getting anything done.

WHOO-HOO! - I spent a week at a cabin a while back (whence the pic with the accordion and such) with a friend and, at the end of said week, something seemed to go CLICK! in my brain. And here's what it was: I've been unfortunately still pining for The One That Got Away, and not just now and then, rather fucking daily. No wonder, really, seeing as we'd been together for that 14 years. This was pushing me into more than a little bit of resentment ("Oh great, another dream of us together, thanks for that!") and it really wasn't getting any better. And then: CLICK! (This was also the thing I was talking about on the Vile Hugs thang back there.)

(Now, permit me to be a bit obvious, here.) It's not like she's the one doing this. It's not like I'm not still in love with her. That's not an emotion I can mute so I might as well accept it. That little bit of genius brough about this strange calm that's been going on for a few weeks now. It's really nice. I think I should maybe ask her out for coffee or something to get the détente going.

Here's hoping that bit of enlightenment sticks.

OMENASOSETTA!

@DavidLejeune - Boo at losing the job! Huzzah at getting the hell outta a place that's not doing you any favours.

@allana - Bicycle thieves are the most loathsome human beings. They make me reconsider my absolutist stance against capital punishment. Also, I have one of your microphones in my posession, but a) I DIDN'T STEAL IT, HONEST and b) that's not a capital offence, right? Right? And I'm not sure if I've mentioned this after returning to Finland, but thanks for putting me up / putting up with me on the Toronto leg.

@oldhat - Naysayers gonna say nay. I think in every field expertise has this nasty tendency to breed cynicism and an insular attitude to people and ideas outside that particular expert bubble, or at least I've seen so damn much of that in music. It's an uphill slog, but I think the best payback for that is keeping doing what you're doing.

@Rachæl - Yay, icky romantic stuffs! And, like for allana up there, thanks for the NJ trip. <3

@lex - Yay, icky romantic stuffs! And hey, nice to see you back here!

Hope this finds you well,
yours, etc.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-21T14:42:25-07:00

@Allana It's been almost 6 months since I've had any of it, but my recollection of it is slightly sweet. He's a working class Scot with an atrocious diet, so I have no idea why it's so delicious, but I'm now tempted to go back and taste test the small handful of people I've ever kissed with slightly sweet-to-me breath [some people I can just breathe their exhalation straight in when cuddling close to their face like it's fucking mana] because I believe there might be a link between the two but I've no evidence yet to support that hypothesis whatsoever.

@taphead thanks! Someday, I'm going to title a cum-shot image "icky romantic stuff" in your honor, mark my words.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-24T13:08:24-07:00

NAPALM-SHITE MAGNET - Keep out of the reach and sight of children:

I've been through some muchos magnifikos stuff since I last was on here. After visiting that...rehab, I returned to London in a bad way and went into an awful depression. I spent a week isolating, avoiding everything and committing suicide in my head every twenty minutes or whatever. It was a bad one; suicide by staying in bed and hurling verbal-abuse at crap TV takes far too long. Eventually, I had to face up to things, so I propelled myself back into the world of reality; that was slightly better than living in my madness - I think I only lasted a couple of days, though, then went back into abyss.

It's a fucking good job I threw all of those bastid drugs away a few months ago, or you probably wouldn't be reading this drivel. I'm not being dramatic or anything, just saying how it is - if you don't like it...TOUGH! I hope my corpse makes foul cunt-fart noises as it discharges the diarrhoea-of-death at my one-man wake!

Anyway, whilst being an extra from a Poe story and languishing on my eiderdown of misery, some...foul specimen of humanity who I used to use with, who hasn't even seen me for over THREE years, tried to break into my gaff - I actually caught the horrible fucker stuck halfway through my bathroom window! See, this insect just assumed I'd be indoors and off my head and have some methadone. Seriously, if I didn't have to get rid of the body (or do the necessary paperwork afterwards at the cop-shop), I would have murdered the twat. Instead, I verbally dismantled him on the balcony, shouting, "Don't you EVER fuckin' come round here again!"

If I see the cunt on the street I will probably eviscerate the fucking dog!

HAPPY, HAPPY TALKING, HAPPY TALK:

It's not all bad: I pulled out from the depression, been seeing the good nutters from meetings etc. I spoke to my father the other day, who lives in OZ - not aurally transmitted with him for ten years, so that was OK. I've still got the funding for rehab, and today I've been seeing about visiting another one. This time I reckon I'll venture north, try a place where some celebrities went to. The UK tour of recovery is now official; with wailing guitar feedback!

Please, no photographs! Piss-off!

LONDON'S BURNING (la-la-la-la-lah):

@Kay and Captain Roadscum: Thankee for the mind-boost; I appreciate the good-stuff!

@lexmachine: One of my cheap slags said, "Chicken soup!" But she was damaged, and insane...and from Greece!

@Vorn: If you get a cane, we can team-up; form a Legion of Bastards with secret compartments on our sticks. Compartments full of mini-nukes, that sorta thing.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-24T14:36:44-07:00

The Boo: That bug is still persisting. And the weather is not helping.

The Hurrah: I went to a film evening last night. It was 'The Way', a film about Camino de Santiago (The Way of St James, a pilgrimage route since the 8th century) and we had the film evening in honour of St James' Day. And there was an additional bonus: I won a spot prize and a bottle of wine!

@Everyone: The film was asking the question: what makes a true pilgrim? The people in the film were thinking along the lines that a true pilgrim had to suffer hardship along the pilgrimage and live like beggars living off Christian charity. But after watching the film I wondered if a true pilgrim is a pilgrim who actually gets something out of his/her pilgrimage, whether it is a miracle, what they were seeking - or needing, healing, confidence or just extra fitness. My sister thinks that a true pilgrim is someone who simply takes time out for themselves.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-24T15:56:12-07:00

@allana - that is the ass.

@taphead - thankee sir!

@flecky - Talkin bout things you like to dooooo.... You are doing amazing things with little to work with, my friend. Impressive, I say!

@David Lejeune- I say HOORAY! Fuck, you finally get to be free of a place you hate, and even if the next few months are horrid, you needn't feel the self reproach that you might have if you'd taken it upon yourself to quit, AND you get the added bonus of unemployment to keep you afloat! This is a POSITIVE THING!!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-24T22:07:09-07:00

Welcome back, Flecky.

That is all.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-24T23:57:20-07:00

@dnewling:

Someone for whom the pilgrimage is a voyage of personal and spiritual growth and change, and who come out of the other end slightly more whittled to a shape, renewed and unburdened? That's how I've always seen to purpose of pilgrimages.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-25T02:20:35-07:00

Yeah welcome back Flecky, really fucking cheered me up seeing you had returned to the fold. Bravery in the face of oblivion. Keep sending us postcards please.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-25T08:24:05-07:00

@Rachael, Kay and texture: Thank you! My minions are dancing in their pen and soiling themselves with excitement. Apparently, they like you.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-25T10:56:47-07:00

Since this is still up and running:
The Boo: After months of being under and unemployed, neither of the wife and I are no longer eligible for unemployment. We have six days to get the hell out of our apartment, where we've been for the last eight years.
The Hurrah: The friends who have rallied at the eleventh hour to help us out. Also, that we're getting out of here. While there have been good moments, I feel the energy/vibe/general feeling of the apartment building is toxic. We've been trying to get into a better place for months, but not able to swing it due to the boo above. Also I have a book out. Yes it's through Amazon and not a big name publisher, but dammit, I sat down and pounded out a frigging novel start-to-finish.
The Applause: To Fauxhammer for losing the weight. To Rachael, for continually working through your health issues. And to the rest of you reading this who get through the day on shear guts because you have to.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T14:02:27-07:00

Well, while it's here...

BOO:
- Family has been stressing me out. They're going to South Africa soon and just are NOT good people to travel with. I'm usually pretty relaxed when it comes to mentally preparing for travel and the whole packing and getting on a plane part, but it just FREAKS them out.

- I'd say weight stuff, but that's been getting better with diet and exercise.

- Waiting for the results of my annual HIV test and, while I KNOW I have nothing to worry about I always get this irrational fear that I ended up getting cut with a blade soaked in HIV-positive blood or something silly and forgot about it. Stupid as hell I know, but until I get the results (Saturday or some time next week) I'll be a bit on edge.

YAY:
- Dating a fella who I've known for about 12 years and am really happy.

- Been trying out some new beers, including some from the craft beer section of Molson, which has been kind of controversial, but damn they make good beers.

- Special dinner coming up on Saturday, where I'm bringing a bottle of DeuS. Should be a lovely time for all.

- Mom and I are getting makeovers tomorrow morning!

- Feeling very awesome from all the support after my last post on here. Thank you, folks! :)

RAAAAAAHGOYOU:
@Flecky, good to see you back! Keep keeping us posted on things, yeah?
@lex, congratulations on the yummy cum!
@JoeB Gah...so sorry to hear that you're getting kicked out. Even though the vibe isn't good, being forced to leave is horrible.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T14:37:53-07:00

@Joe B - Danke! Moving sucks, but you'll probably be so glad once you are in a positive atmosphere.

@Oldhat -

- Dating a fella who I've known for about 12 years and am really happy.

Me too! High five! :D

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T15:05:58-07:00

@oldhat there's a few clinics in toronto that offer rapid HIV tests, though some you have to book in advance. the hassle-free clinic is pretty awesome.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T15:26:50-07:00

@dispophoto, oh, I know. It's not like I think anything is wrong, just on edge a bit. I can wait a couple of days. :)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T15:31:00-07:00

@Oldhat, makeovers, you say? PICTURES ARE MANDATORY.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T18:23:28-07:00

@Joe B: I know the feeling about being unemployed. Self-employment and using the Internet to make a living seem to be the way to go to beat unemployment and recession these days. It's the way I have been going.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-26T18:39:48-07:00

quick Boo update that requires additional ventage: Not having any luck finding a place back in California. People not exactly reacting well to the prospect of me not having totally solid job prospects (been sending out applications like a motherfucker all week and haven't gotten a single call back. Yet. I realize that most the positions I'm applying for are ones where they'll be taking resumes for a couple weeks and then going over them for a week and then calling people, but I want to be called back NOW, dammit), and not understanding that Unemployment will pay me more than enough to cover $700/month rent (and that's in the hopefully unlikely event that I even need to collect Unemployment, since I'm getting paid through September), and even if it didn't, I have enough savings that I could pay that out of pocket for a year no problem, because I have no outstanding debts and spotless credit and despite appearances am ridiculously frugal. Very annoying and kind of freaking me out, because I do not want to spend two of my last five paychecks on rent here in Phoenix. May end up having to stay at my Dad's for a couple of weeks, and I would really really rather not because his house is stinky. It's also worrying me because I'm afraid people are going to look at my resume, see I live in Phoenix and decide that either A. I'm not going to want to relocate, or B. I am going to expect them to pay to relocate me, and toss my resume out. Also: not working is making my brain crazy. Usually it would be full of Work Stuffs, and now it's full of Not Work Stuffs, which is going to bring on depression and anger and other Bad Brain Things if it goes on for much longer.

The yay? Despite a total lack of evidence, I think I stand a pretty good chance of getting a job at Disney Interactive that is essentially the same as the job I just had, and it seems like a pretty decent company to work at. (Totally not setting myself up for crushing disappointment, no)

Hooray the People: @oldhat: Pictures, yus! @JoeB: That's rough. I feel kind of like an asshole for my venting.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-27T16:17:29-07:00

Fuck it...

Boo - I lost it earlier, and started to throw things around my flat. Smashed a few things, took a bullshit sedative and feel asleep. I don't think I've reacted like that for fucking years. Been obsessing about how my family were never really there for me as a kid - I'm not a wanker, and don't blame them for my addiction, but when I was homeless as I teenager they were utter shit.

I hate people at the moment. Please, fucking kill me before I do something stupid; just do it quickly.

Yay - At this moment? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

Empathy - @oldhat - Thanks, mate. @JoeB - I'm sorry to hear that.

EDIT TO ADD: Unless you have a slave (which I don't have at the moment), the smashing of cups on walls is not advisable, as you just have to clean up the mess sometime in the future. Does someone want to marry me? I promise to behave.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-28T09:52:56-07:00

@DavidLejeune, don't feel like an asshole for venting. If anything, make sure you're making it clear to them that you're willing to relocate, and if they can cover part of it, great, if not you'll still move. And I hear you about not working, my wife and I have been able to get into decent to good jobs with no trouble in the past. I had a phone interview for a call center job yesterday, on an hour of sleep in two days and three trips sixty miles out of town to store some of our stuff with friends. It went great, but now I have to see if I can make a five am start time when I'm living in Vancouver, WA and the job's in Beaverton, OR and I'm using public transportation.
@oldhat- congrats on the dating. It's been a struggle getting out, but we're dumping a lot of stuff which is good, for every couple of steps forward there's been a big obstacle, but we're working through it.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T00:23:29-07:00

YAY:

Already mentioned it elsewhere, but finally got a three year old financial kerfuffle sorted out, if not completely solved. This makes life infinitely times easier. On other fronts, so far all the signs with this one girl point to good now, so we'll see if I'll end up being a part of a poly bunch, or if I just found a great new pal to hang around with, which is more than acceptable also. Also my Dr. Housefication was apparently put on hold, the knee knitted itself back together well enough that I don't have to keep popping codeine based painkillers.

NAY:

I'm seriously starting to get old in that I'd really like to have an inkling of where I'll be working a year from any given time. It's been a bit hard to get back to work after the holidays, since I know for a fact that this job will end in the turn of the year so there's no future in there (it's a finance thing, the project will end on 31.12. and my position will just cease to exist). In the last 12 years I've been unemployed like two days, so I'm pretty confident something will pop up, but I'd just like a little bit of predictability in my life. Doesn't do good things for my head either, since at the best of times I'm a bit hyper, and feeling that you'll have to be on red alert all the time for job reasons doesn't really help that. I have wanted to switch jobs and fields for quite some time now, but don't really know where, what and how. I'm going to try and get a research diver certification this autumn, but unfortunately you can't live with that in here. The work diver certification costs more, but I'm eyeing that speculatively... Then life would be pouring concrete and welding shit underwater...

Also I really need to get my brain to fucking buckle down. Can't go through life like a super ball in a tumble dryer, son.

GO GO GO!

@flecky: Stay strong, man.
@oldhat: Congrats on the datery & other fun things
@DavidLejeune: Good luck with the Disney stuff!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T10:34:47-07:00

Yay:
I think I finally have a man friend,one of my friend's BF has seemed interested in hanging out. Which is cool 'cause usually just make girl friends and was worried I wouldn't know how to behave. Plus he hooks up the caffine drips, and might have a friend of a friend's apt for me to move into.
Also rock climbing is paying off physically now.

Tidal Obsidian Crash:
After graduating, trying to find places to live/jobs to work/people still around. In a temporary sublet now, that seemed amazing, but the other subleters trashed amazingly quickly. Just leave them to themselves and do my own thing. Been there two months, about ready to get out as soon as I can.
So out and about Friday, I get home, its super dark and deserted. Turns out the guy who said he would take care of the utilities Haven't seen any of them since, though I did hear screaming around 3 am of a drunk conversation from the 2nd to 3rd floor. Emailed the Landlady so I could get one of there numbers to call.
It was harsh realizing how much I use electricity for, hot water for showers, can't even old school it by warming a pot of water, stoves dead, refrigerators dead, rotting food. That I kind of have to go to bed with the light or stay out until Starbucks kicks me out.
CC'd on a pissy email saying he set up an account and it should be on monday(today).
I've recently found out it only takes like 15 minutes to set up online or on the phone.
Hoping, so hoping its on when I get home, but after lying my way through a conversation with the Power Co, they don't have our property listed as having an account, I could set one up, but I know I'd never see the money from four of the five.

AppleSauve/sauce (I missed the first time.)
@Vornaskotti: Do you weld? I've been eyeing getting myself more experience in that regard, and love diving.
Grats about the Kerfuffle, knee, and getting off the painkillers. Oh Vike you make for a strange world indeed.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T10:42:06-07:00

@Jix:

I've welded when I was in car/metalwork school something like 18 years ago, so not really. Apparently any skill in dry land welding is just hindrance for the underwater stuff, I've been told.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T16:01:52-07:00

Sad:
The second job, while only every other week, makes me dread that every other week. I know my attitude is partially to blame, but it's that same in a rush because you're always behind and then clock out and get back to work because overtime is not allowed sort of job. Sure, we're supposed to take breaks, but I shorten my unpaid 1/2 hour lunch (which I've started doing part of my work during) because I want to do everything possible to get ahead. I hate these kinds of jobs, where if you're remotely behind, everyone else suffers. Sure I get paid more per hour (thanks to the union I'm sure), but it's still a stressful mess. I'm just glad I do work weekends, which means I never work the same time as my boss, who is notoriously scary. Maybe I've been spoiled by the family atmosphere of my main job, but this just sucks. I'm applying for a job at the bakery in the local grocery store, so hopefully I'll get hired and get to quit the shitty one. Until then, I gotta suck it up. Also, not completely happy with my budget, but then I suppose, not many people are.

Happy:
Counseling seems to be helping. My main job is generally wonderful. I'm trying out a new nutrition based weight loss thing that helps me get more protien - the one thing I am really bad at getting in my diet. I'm hoping this will help me lose weight, and maybe even gain energy, two things that I am very unhappy about. Maybe my creative drive will reappear! I kind of doubt it, but it would be nice. And I'm learning new songs on the uke and they both got great reactions from my musician friend, so major happy feelings from that.

Other People Are More Interesting:
@oldhat: I'm delighted for all the awesome going on in your life. And I'll second dorkmuffin's request for makeover photos. :D
@flecky: Feeling like shit is pretty shit. Sorry to hear it. I hope rehab improves things in a major way.
@Vornaskotti: Kudos on getting your budget stuff figured out. I'm crossing fingers that job figuring out goes as well as possible and you can come up with something you'll love.
@DavidLejeune: Best wishes and luck on getting back to California and getting the Disney job. It can only get better from here, right?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T17:23:28-07:00

FUCK:

It was 19 years ago today. Sarah and I had become inseparable since we first starting hanging out at the beginning of the summer. We went to Lollapalooza 3 together just two weeks prior, when she'd lent me some of her wierdest coolest clothes. We would stay up all night listening to NIN and Tori Amos, making art projects, smoking cigarettes, hanging out in the center of town being teenagers.

After crashing at her house one night, she and I and another friend snuck to the city together with boys we met in the mall. They had cars. We wandered New York's St. Marks Place, and Sarah told me to buy pathoulie, because it was the best. I got Flamingo Pink Manic Panic hairdye at Trash & Vaudeville, and Sarah got some shoes that looked like they walked out of Rocky Horror. We tried to buy acid, and I smoked a joint for the first time on the way home. She cut my hair with kitchen scissors so it was short in the back and long in the front, and we dyed our hair pink together. So we could continue the sleepover madness, I snuck her over to my house where we slept in the basement to not wake my mom. When my mother found us, and saw my hair, she was angry. She drove Sarah to a friend's house, and told me that she was kicking me out. I was to live with my father for the duration of the summer, and perhaps for the rest of my school career. That night I snuck out. I went to visit Sarah. I knocked on her bedroom window, and she was in tears. She'd taken the blame upon herself for my being kicked out. I went inside, and she gave me a necklace, a ring, and a card. Her mother offered to speak to my mom, but I politely declined. I invited Sarah to join me for the weekend, as my father was going to bring me to the Jersey Shore for the weekend and said I could bring a friend. Sarah cried and pleaded with her mother so she might join me, but they were to visit family that weekend, and her request was denied.

That next night, now at my Dad's house, packing my beach things for the trip to the shore the next morning, I got a phone call. It was Sarah. She wanted to know how I was doing, to make sure I was ok. The conversation was brief.

It wasn't until about 24 hours later that I discovered that I was one of just three or four people she'd called that night before leaping out of the window of her grandmother's apartment building to her death. She had only just turned 14.

That was 19 years ago today. Thanks for the reminder, facebook. I feel like I was punched in the guts.

JOY:

Then of 2001:

Versus now of 2012:

THE OTHERS:

@Flecky - I'd marry you, friend. For your NHS, I'd clean up smashed coffee mugs every day.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T21:22:31-07:00

@Rachael, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that sort of an anniversary. Hang in there, we're thinking of you. No one should have to deal with that, and even almost 20 years later, I'm sure the memory is still fresh and painful. Take care of yourself. I'm sending you all the love I can muster.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-07-30T22:56:15-07:00

@dorkmuffin - thank you! Yeah it's wierd. I've been talking with others on facebook from that time, and we're all still broken from it. However...

YAY: The gentleman pictured above stopped by unannounced this evening to cheer me up and brought me roses. :D

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-01T14:29:32-07:00

@Rachael: so sorry; that's a really heartbreaking story, and big hugs to you.

A friend tried something similar when I was about 17, he was 18 and he'd just found out he was going blind - thank god, he didn't succeed, but we'd had a drunken conversation along the lines of 'thanks, I love you, goodbye', and I'd not realised what he was trying to tell me, until the next day, when I suddenly remembered what he's said and ran out of college and down to his flat - after I'd left, he'd gone to the station and slashed his wrists, was found by a taxi driver who took him to hospital and had been admitted to a psychiatric unit. Still makes me shudder to think of even though the outcome was OK (and I beat myself up for years because I didn't really hear him), so can't imagine how you must feel.

As this is still here...

BOO FUCKITY BOO:

We're on holiday. It's rained like a fucker. We attempted a trip out today, to a pottery painting place. Which turned out to be not there any more. So we let the kids go to a park on the seafront. Ruby, my littlest, was on a roundabout with her middle sister Rosie and another kid; the other kid was whining that it wasn't going fast enough, so Ro came over and asked me to push them. The other child was holding Roo. I pushed them round a few times, and then must have given it a shove just a touch too hard - Roo and the other girl came off. Roo fell face down in the bark chippings; the other girl said 'oops, sorry for not holding on to your daughter' and ran off. Roo was screaming 'you've broken my arm, stupid daddy, pushed me too fast'; I picked her up and gave her a cuddle, but she just kept screaming. We were hoping she was just shaken, so we decided to keep an eye on her and see if the pain stopped, but after an hour, she hadn't moved the arm and was still crying every couple of minutes so we took her to A&E. They gave her an X Ray and confirmed it was broken. She's got a cast on, and we have to go back tomorrow for the fracture clinic.

I feel fucking awful. I was meant to be looking after her and I didn't; she trusted me not to make something like that happen and I let her down. I think of all the things that I've messed up in my life, being a clumsy idiot who's caused his four year old daughter four hours of agony and weeks of inconvenience and hassle has to rank as the worst. I mean, I've messed up myself, I've messed up relationships, I've made crap decisions, but providing the kinetic energy to injure a small child I love more than pretty much anything else in the universe... Jesus... I didn't even want to bloody push them, I'm always terrified of something like that happening.

She's in pain and upset because she's realising that she can't do much with one arm. So fuck.

The YAY

Not so much... but had a lovely little walk with Rosie last night around the sand dunes, it's amazing how being with a child opens your eyes again - you're so eager to show them things, it awakens the curiosity you had when you were small too. We found new plants, shells, creatures, and talked about things. It was nice, because she normally gets overshadowed by the other two, and is usually the most difficult. But she's an incredibly kind and sensitive little girl, once you get past the drama queen

APPLAUSE:

Flecky - hang in dude.
Rachael - yay for roses...

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-01T15:17:55-07:00

@Rachael, JP - It's horrible to love something that can die. I heard that somewhere, but I don't know who originated it. But it is just the worst. To give so much power over to someone else and they don't even know what they can do to you. My best friend has tried the slashing bit and a few other disappearing acts. other people have been on hand to keep it from going terminal but it's the one thing that super pisses me off about her. Because it pisses me off about myself. I can't stop it. I'm not strong enough or loving enough or educated enough to find the broken part and fix it. It fucking terrifies me and frustrates me. Because I live in terror of the next thing that's going to make her unhappy with herself or her life and I won't be able to keep her from taking it out on herself.

THE SHIT
Cycling through "I hate my life, I hate myself" crap. I have SO FAR to go on every front I don't even have words. The strangest thing is how bad I don't feel about it. Maybe that's good. I used to feel utterly depressed at this point - mysterious aches, severe social anxiety, total self-hatred - now it's just... a 40 yard stare and a sense of morbidity. Maybe it's just aging. The hormones don't rage like they used to, and any sense of immortality is long gone as I contemplate perimenopause, a slowing metabolism, lessened tolerance of alcohol, diminished lung capacity, etc and think it isn't impossible for the end to come for me. I used to deal with suicidal ideation. For me it was another daydream just like daydreaming about sex. I was compelled to, but I didn't know that. It doesn't come as much any more, for which I am glad. Getting a song stuck in your head is bad enough, but getting a suicidal scenario stuck in your head when you're not suicidal is shit.

Whatever. I am being lazy. Just horrifically... Third day in a row this week of getting out of bed in the afternoon. Because I go to bed at near dawn...because... why not. But I wake up when the house wakes. I just... don't get up. Because. Why bother.

I'm trying to make myself bother and it's not fucking working. This is all me and my astounding laziness. I hate it. But I can't seem to get past it. I have endless reasons to get to it, to get to my life. I'm awfully overweight, I live with my parents, far from my friends and in a house that drives me batty, I have no career to speak of just some aspirations. I have no real plans.

I want to be able to see friends more than once a month. I want my own tech to work according to spec; I'm sick of fighting with the shitty house ISP that's flakier than a cheerleader on coke & sick of three laptops each of which has a processor in some state of decrepitude. I want to buy my own food. I want a kitchen free of any vermin. I want people to reach out to me because they need what I can do (and they'll be ready and willing to pay me, goddammit). I want, I want, I want, I want, I want. But I remain on my fat ass.

THE FLOWERS
Upside of living at home for me has long been that my mom is rather generous. As much as she can be, she is after all a school teacher. But it means she's willing to lend me the money for voice classes as well as Japanese courses. it's funny I was rather worried that moving back in with her and my dad would mean they would be on me to get a job and such. (A mixed blessing that would be; they don't get why being an office clerk is a. old fashioned and b. not something I do.) Instead she's let me have the run of the house, for the most part. In any case, she's been quite helpful.

And last night I watched this and it hit me right when I needed it.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.
(There's no way to embed video using the video button, is there?)

Applesauce: Keep on trucking, Fleck, you're on the right track. JP, it's a stupid yarn, "kids bounce" but what's worth thinking about (maybe?) is that she'll heal and she'll need you to heal right along with her. She WILL need you to forgive yourself. That's as much a lesson as control is. And adults can kinda bounce too. We just forget how.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-02T09:04:56-07:00

*Sigh* Fer fucksake:

I feel like I'm in a Kafka novel at the moment; The Trial or The Castle or summat. Loads of people from meetings have been recommending a rehab just outside of Cambridge - the place sounds really good. But because no-one on the board of people who are in control of my funding have ever visited it to see what it's like they are unable to let me go there for an assessment. A woman said she may do it, but this may take weeks...maybe months. All this assessment crap is tiring me out, but this shit is probably the biggest thing I've ever done and I refuse to be fobbed-off with some bleach-cabbage minging stink-hole full of red noses. For personal reasons, I got the hump with alcoholics (even recovering ones.) The fellowship of A.A London is a bit stagnant and old, whilst N.A is more twisted, fucked-up, frenetic, chaotic, toxic, sick, and liable to explode at any moment; just like me! I make the kids laugh, and they seem to enjoy suckling on my debauched perversion. This posh snobby bloke, who is probably really nice and all, is secretary at the meeting over the road. He was going on about relapsing on chocolate liqueurs. Fuck that! If your going to relapse, mate, do-it-proper; whores, genetic-mutation, ear-blowing sonic-howls, gas bombs, self-harm, barbwire, condoms full of broken glass, cavity searches, exploding head syndrome - that sorta thing. If having chocolate liqueurs melting on your face gets you in a mess; moan about it in A.A! I need someone to focus my bile on, and currently it is him.

*snap-sizzle-fzzzt-crackle-and-pop*:

Just spoke to someone, and I'm going to visit another rehab. This one has arty workshops - I need to do something arty whilst my flesh is twitching and my emotions are being gouged-out from their sockets. Hopefully, I'll do the visit next week.

Kerosene (set me on fire!):

@Rachael: You can have my English NHS. It's yours. Take it. *smash* - I want my coffee!!!
@JP: Hoping your kid's bone heals OK.
@Razrangel: Getting out of bed is a bastard; I'm struggling with it at the moment. It's not a case of laziness with me, but more that I don't want to face the day.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-03T20:50:02-07:00

I'd just like to share with everyone that (after) a 17 year addiction I am 2 weeks smoke free since starting Chantix. It's almost as if I never picked up a cigarette, by far the best experience quitting smoking I've ever had, and I feel awesome!

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-03T22:29:07-07:00

@LokiZero: well done! I've never smoked, but I hear it isn't easy to quit, so I'm really impressed with you.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-04T13:56:36-07:00

@LokiZero:
Congrats :) Sounds like you're doing great :)

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-04T20:05:28-07:00

The Vile Wretchedness:
I feel like a bastard. I have had to become a cranky old man because many of my close friends have become parrots who spew the "outrage of the week" without actually bothering to put it into their own words. Yes, I agree that x is horrible, but to call me a hypocrite for not instantly reposting the same goddamn image and the same words everyone else feels unacceptable. I would rather attack the problem at the source than deal with the symptoms. It really pisses me off to prefer to deal with the problems that can be solved on a personal level and be called out for not kneejerking at whatever tragedy that is going on beyond my influence. I would rather actually get results than choke everyone's social media with memes and what seems to me to be false sympathy.

The Good
I have been writing. It's not great, but fuck it. Practice and analysis can make things much better. (link in my profile, if you must. I will gladly take any critiquing and what not. atta boys will be gladly accepted as well.)

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in a decent spot professionally. This may mean shoe dropping soon, but that bridge wil be crossed as needed. Until then, I'm professionally satisfied.

The Love.
@Rachæl: I am sorry. It's hard when a beloved friend chooses that route. My best friend did similar in 04, while I was out having fun in a new place with new people. I got the message when I landed and found out at work that night. It's still hard. I think your friend would be proud of the person you have become and the fact that you still care enough to hurt at it is a sign of your loyalty and strength. We should all have a friend who cares as you do.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-05T20:01:41-07:00

BOO:

- The fella has pneumonia. I won't be seeing him for at least a month. Am naturally nervous as hell because I have had quite a few loved ones die of pneumonia. But the plus side is that it's bacterial (the lesser of the types) and he's in the medical profession, so he can give himself good 24 hour care. Still, I worry. And not seeing him for all that time while he is on the mend is...saddening.

- Parents are getting ready for a trip, which...eh. They aren't good when it comes to traveling. They stress out too much and take it out on each other. It's not been great waking up to and coming home to confrontation.

- work is stressing me out a bit. Been getting in a lot of trouble for not being able to read minds. Always a piss-off.

YAY:

- Keeping the weight at bay. Hopefully will be losing some more soon. Getting back in to the swing of things at the gym, so...wooo! *punchpunch*

- The parents are going away to South Africa for over a week. Will be bliss to not have them there. Also, I have a pool.

LOVE:

@hank, Ugh....I know how that is. A couple of my facebook friends have become the type of people to figure out their opinions on complex subjects from the headlines of a story. I had to be an opposing voice in a few "Men can't be raped" and "All media everywhere is racist" posts and...ugh. One of them also turned out to be an "EMERCUH IS A POLICE STATE THANKS TO MUSLIM TERRORIST LIZARD OBAMA" people and I'm REALLY trying my best not to call her out. Eventually I'm just going to remove them, but I know that feeling of being the kneejerk asshole.

@LokiZero Keep it up!

@JP Hope that bone is feeling okay. Has she realized that the cast makes her invincible now?

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-07T03:03:16-07:00

The Boo: None really. I've finally gotten over that cold and recovered from a tough workload.

The Hurrah: My birthday comes up this month. To celebrate I have just had a completely new colours put in my hair. It's taking a bit of getting used to, but I think I will like it.

@Oldhat: I know about stress as well.

OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes 22nd July)

2012-08-11T12:45:07-07:00

Boo-
Had an incident at work yesterday with a visiting manager behaving inappropriately and scaring me to death. Had to talk to cops and 911, and a mom and just everyone; last night was just hell emotionally and exhausting.
Huzzah-
Having people listen and cheer me up with turtle stories helped a lot. It kept my mind from spinning out of control so:
Thanks everyone on the WC IRC.
Also: Just got my new art supplies.
Applesauce-
Guess I kinda put a bit of it in the applesauce but anyhow: Thanks everyone.
@Hatter- tell them if they want you to read minds you'll start charging. HATTERS PSYCHIC HOT LINE. $100000/minute.
Totally not fair of them to think you're a mind reader, and not communicating properly with you!.