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    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 21st 2012 edited

    I just did a massive post and then lost it; *I can't even manage to do that right*. I'm really ill, like I've got really bad flu; I don't do ill very good, not when I know that I can leave my flat, cross the street and buy evil shit that will make me feel better for a microsecond. I fucking relapsed on Friday - the day after visiting the rehab. And then again a few hours back. I need to get to a meeting and do the walk of shame. I'm in a really dangerous place if I keep this badness bottled-up.

    *self-pity - don't you just hate it*


    I really need rehab, because I've got no support going for me now *die, self-pity* I got a few good folk from meetings, though. My mate's on holiday - I miss moaning to her. At least I'm not building my hopes around other people.


    @oldhat - I hope you will be OK and that you have a speedy recovery.
    @dork - Sorry that you've been feeling crappy.

    18 HOURS :EDIT TO ADD: I hope this is just a flu virus. Maybe it's just a mixture of that and stress that has done me in. Anyway, after a night spent with my head under the cold tap, unable to sleep because I felt like puking when lying down, today a fever has broke (thank God!), and hopefully I'll be able to sweat some of it off under the sheets tonight.

    Bloody Hell! You got to laugh - no-one else will do it for you! Fucking powerless urge to use against my will is waning. Hideous condition I got, eh? Fucking disease!
    • CommentTimeAug 21st 2012
    I've had sort of a rotten day. Things just kept stacking up.

    I had to be at work at 4:45 AM this morning. The train doesn't start running until after 5:00. So I slept in the art building, which is just a couple minutes walk from the museum where I work. Wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. All the art majors have their student ID's keyed to open the building so we can stay there all night if we need to. But it felt silly, being there before I'd even been to my printmaking class once for the semester. The janitors came in around 2:30 to clean the building, constantly turning the lights on automatically with their movement. Which is fine, really. They didn't talk to me or scold me or anything. But they were certainly not quiet. They had some sort of inside joke about the name Jason, and they kept saying it over and over, giggling as they walked past. In my half sleeping state I started to get scared of them. I had half waking nightmares for the last 2 hours of my sleep attempt.

    Work itself was annoying, too. We had to switch out a car in the show, and the truck with the replacement was 3 hours late. So we stood in the road trying to keep traffic just going one direction for no good reason from 5:30 to 8:30. A car slipped past me at one point, and got a couple of feet before I could tell them to turn around. At which point I was scolded over the radio for everyone to hear for not doing my job right and causing a traffic jam.

    After all that, I had my art history class. It's called Visual Arts of Modernity, so I thought it would be Modern art. But it covers 1848-1900. That was disappointing. I don't really love modern art all the time, but I feel like a large part of what I need as an artist is to understand the more recent notable things in art history, to understand the context I'm in a bit better. It'd be nice to have a better idea of what the fuck people are even talking about with contemporary art. Which I really don't.

    I also looked at my bank account and noticed I had $2.03 left in it. Texted my mom about it. She called me, flabbergasted as to how that money could have disappeared so quickly. Which didn't make much sense to me. It was all money I'd earned, nothing's been lent to me by the parents all summer. And It just went to necessities of life, really. My website hosting was about to expire, so I had to take care of that, but really it wasn't very much. Just groceries and a few odds and ends here and there beyond that, basically. I was reminded why I hate not being able to support myself. But my scholarship is still worth more than what I'd make in a job, so I have to suck it up and keep my priorities straight, even if it means I'll be in constant argument mode with my mom until next summer.

    Then I got to my printmaking class. I had a flat file filled with paper I bought at the end of last semester. I won an award in the student show last spring, and got a $50 gift card for the art supply store. I spent all of that plus some on a variety of papers. Left it where I knew it would be less likely to get damaged. I opened my flat file briefly before class, and all of it was gone. My roll of frosted Mylar for screenprinting, too. Just... what kind of asshole does that? I understand the temptation, but man. I can't afford to get more paper. That's why I stocked up. I knew I wouldn't be able to buy more with fees and everything else. I don't know what I'm even going to do. There's a little place to put a small lock on the side of the flat files, which I never felt I needed to use before. But I guess I'm going to have to buy a little lock now, along with everything else.

    I don't know why my paycheck hasn't been deposited, but I really need it. Even though it's nowhere near enough right now.

    More than any of that, though, It's that boy I've been so in love with for the last 2 plus years. I saw him saturday, and it seemed like it would be just what we needed. But he's convinced I'm just meant to be his friend. We had to have that conversation a few times before I really got it, but as of saturday, there's really nothing more I could possibly do to convince him to give me a shot. Not a damn thing. I never kissed the boy, never held his hand or anything really. But I feel just as heartbroken about it as when I broke up with my last/first long term boyfriend. If not more so. I keep having to fight back tears at inconvenient moments, but then when I'm alone and actually can cry it out I'm just frozen and unable to get myself to do much of anything.

    Good things? I still have my scholarship, and I'm on track to graduate debt free in the spring. I have art opportunities to look forward to. And most of the printmakers that had been around for a long time graduated in the spring or at the end of summer. So I'm back to being the department art star of sorts, with everyone thinking I'm just the bee's knees and everything I touch turns to gold. It felt like that my last year at the previous school, too. It's kind of nice. A bit much, being told how awesome all your projects are all the time just because you've been around a bit longer, but it's a boost to the ego for sure.
    • CommentTimeAug 21st 2012 edited
    I had too many characters, so applesauce gets its own post.

    @Fauxhammer Congrats on all the good. Too many projects is not ever ideal, but as far as bad things go, it's not too terrible.
    @DavidLejeune Best of luck with the job search. I hope something turns up soon.
    @dnewling There's lots of really great books that would also make good graphic novels. That doesn't mean they're not good books.
    @Hank Did the potential dog work out?
    @JP Carpenter Here's hoping you snap out of the rut soon. I know how that goes, though. Didn't do a damn thing all summer. When it's over, I hope you can do something great to make up for lost time.
    @Alan Tyson Sorry to hear about the car. That's gotta suck. Just for a few days though, which is good.
    @Kay Orchison At least there's a possibility of staying in the same neighborhood. On the army base where I grew up we had to move across post every couple of years so they could do renovations or tear down the house where we were living. Its frustrating, and I never really understood the cost of it all monetarily, which probably made it worse. My parents didn't own a home until they'd been married for nearly 30 years. I guess I don't have any suggestions or anything, but you're not alone, if that helps in the slightest.
    @Paprika Work is good, but I hope you get a day off at some point soon. Sheesh.
    @celan Yes kitchen with space to open things at the same time!
    @icelandbob Congrats on the work and the marathon. Stay in decent shape, man. I'm glad you felt a little better after that. I hope it doesn't happen again or anything.
    @Rachæl Tyrell Those shots are wonderful. And the fella's shirt in that scenario is pretty amusing.
    @AtomicSloth Dear John letters are pretty much the worst, but it's good to get it done. Make it easier for her to start to get a move on with life and all that.
    @Oldhat Good luck with the surgery. And I know I've messaged you about it elsewhere, but I'm sorry to hear about the fella. I really hope that everything just works out a thousand times better after all this is over.
    @dorkmuffin I hope you feel better soon.
    @Flecky I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. And the illness. You know you have support here, but I understand if it's not quite the same.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2012 edited
    The yay:

    Wow, where to even begin...

    - Last Sunday I finished the draft two of the novel, and that text is my bitch now. Well, at least if I ask for 12 times, it rolls its eyes and takes out the trash. Also have three short stories brewing, all of them having a potential publisher.

    - On Monday I started the scientific diver school. The first day was an epiphany on many fronts, including the fact that how badly I need to get away from media/PR and work that's just crouching over a laptop. I also talked with the teacher about some very very distant dreams I have involving this certification, and they basically went "huh well, that's very much doable".

    - Yesterday had a great date which involved spinach-zucchini lasagne and a private session from a bondage teacher. Clothes-on stuff but fun as hell, did basic body and chest harnesses and stuff like that. Hard to imagine all the ways I've been doing things wrong before, but we can't stop here, this is TMI country! No idea where this is heading, and frankly, I don't particularly care and neither does the other party. Right now this pretty much defines the checkbox "activity partner" in online dating services, and boy, that's what I really need now and am happy with.

    - With work, my contract and the project will end with this year, and I've been thinking I'll need to bail out and start looking for a new job - but now that I started asking around internally, turns out the PR apparatus has a real interest for hiring a net/social media savvy PR person... Having the next year's job nailed down would make things infinitely much more easy.

    - Going to finally start my podcast, the equipment needed for it is in the gentle care of DHL, I have topics for a year's worth of shows, and waiting for some volunteer work for the logo. The theme jingle is still up in the air, I asked some dudes from Ukraine who do free electronic music if I can use a snippet of their song, but no reply yet.

    The boo

    - Douchebag brain: "Oh, so you need to wake up at 5:45 for the second day of dive school - let me set the alarm for 7:45 for you." Luckily I'm not skipping anything totally vital, such as the actual science part - I got the underwater photography well enough under wraps. Still, would want to be diving in a mine right now instead of the day job office.

    - Speaking of day job, I'll be seeing the office pretty much for the rest of the year, since I won't really be having weekends. Fitting in a school and a dayjob requires me to work through weekends too, last Saturday I had a 15 hour work day lined up but ran out of steam at 11 hours.

    - I'm helping a pal with a crowdfunded childrens' role-playing game, and yesterday it reached its goal and the money started flowing in to my Paypal account - which Paypal promptly froze and started asking me for extra documentation. They need ID and some kind of proof of residence, like a mailed phone bill or something. Since this is not a motherfucking developing country, I don't get any bills in the paper form, so now it'll be exciting to see how they'll react to me sending them an e-bill. Well, money laundering is one thing I haven't been yet suspected of doing, so I guess that's off the bucket list now...


    @oldhat: Red ring = teh suck. I have two extra copies of Sam & Max seasons 1 & 2 on disc, but they seem to be PC versions. Would've sent them to you otherwise. Well, I can still send 'em, but I don't think they'll be much use for you.

    @Kay: Argh, as someone who's had to move almost at the same pace on the worst times, my sympathies. :/

    @icelandbob: Uh, that sounds far too familiar for comfort. Take care of yourself, man - take the rest and take it seriously. Also, yay with the marathon - exercise is great for flushing out the stress hormones.
  1.  (10787.5)
    Good stuff-
    I have art supplies. Namely letraset promarkers, which I love greatly, because they have a nice buttery blending style. OM NOM NOM BUTTERMARKERS.
    I also have new sketchbooks, and paper to draw on, as well as an external dvd/blu ray player for the tiny laptop. :D

    A friend and I are going to try to write crud together with the goal of getting it published, because I need to write.

    Bad stuff-
    Stepgrandad, whom I live with, is in poor health and wants to sell this place and move out, so I have to find a new home, and help clean up and ..yeh. Chaos. :(
    Trying to sort crud out, clean and deal with it and mom's 'help', which seems to reqire me cleaning for most of the day, working, getting a few hours of sleep, and repeating the chaos. Cleaning needs to be done, but I'd like a little time for my brain to deal with crap because right now it's pretending everything is Totally Okay and I know this means that after I hit exhaustion it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. :P And I feel like I'm being pushed towards physical and mental exhaustion. Not there yet, but I can see it on the horizon.

    Semi good stuff- don't have to sell all my books, as my collection is going to be migrating to various friends for safe keeping/reading; trying to work out what of my stuff is going where and when. Couldn't afford classes this semester.

    I hate being poor.

    @Flecky -Sorry you've got siberian doom flu, and for your relapse. :( Sounds like you've had a rough bit of things, and really: Anything sucks without a support system. It's not whining.
    @Fishelle- Yeh modern's a bit before NOW. Now is like, Post-Modern or something I didn't pay attention to because I was having mad crush on DADA. Sorry your printmaking stuff got snagged. Hope you find who took your stuff and get it back. Did your professor notice anyone suddenly having paper they didn't, or messing with your stuff?
    @Vorn- congrats on getting through another draft of your novel :) I hope someday I will be able to throw money at you and buy it :)
    • CommentTimeAug 25th 2012
    Tonight my best friend/ex boyfriend decided to chat with me about how he wants to kill himself again. I really don't know how to help him. I just wish there was something I could do.

    My folks were in town and bought me lunch. Told my mom about the studio thievery and expenses I have coming up. She didn't yell at me or anything, so that's good.

    @Root Unfortunately, he was as surprised that I'd had it stolen as I was. So it's gone forever. It's a bummer for sure, but at least it was just blank paper. There's worse things I could've been robbed of.
    And you are correct, modernism ended well over 60 years ago, but it definitely figures into the stuff that's called postmodernism which is supposedly today. I feel like the art history I've taken has covered up to the early 1900's, and I wish I could be properly educated on the stuff that came after. Guess I'll just have to study up on my own.
    Also, buttermarkers sound amazing.
  2.  (10787.7)
    @Fishelle- We snagged stuff in my art classes, but it was more of a case of taking abandoned goods; ie: its amazing how many people will drop an art class, and leave their art supplies, and just walk out and not come back for it. EVER. :( At least when we snagged stuff in my college it was a clear case of the person dropping a class and leaving it there for a fairly long while. :P And good paper is expensive. :( I have a metric ton of newsprint I'd offer you but I doubt it'd help. It's nasty paper anyhow. :)
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeAug 28th 2012
    The Boo: A funeral to go to this morning. I don't like funerals.

    The Hurrah: I have found a new place for challenges to expand my writing skills: Creative Copy Challenge at . Each challenge has 10 words and your task is to incorporate those words into a piece of prose or poetry.

    @Fishelle: That long list you've got about thinking about others is really impressive. Thank you for including me among them.
  3.  (10787.9)
    The bad:

    Vision problem has popped up again for a third time. Wikipedia describes it as 'frequently reoccurring, with progressive vision loss'. I'm quitting cigars to see if that'll help. Terrified of going blind.

    The good:

    Working on the largest-scale piece of art I've ever attempted. Its surface area is equivalent to roughly half that of all my previous work combined.


    Hope you're feeling better today, Flecky.
    • CommentTimeAug 28th 2012
    @Greasemonkey, at the risk of sounding incredibly condescending, DOCTOR DOCTOR DOCTOR DOCTOR. Yeep!
  4.  (10787.11)
    Yeah, I'm going this week.
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2012
    Want to just punch reality. Been going round and round this summer trying to figure out how to stretch all of my resources. It's really been a year, maybe two, of this same horseshit. I'm so tired. ISP gives spectacularly crappy service. But I'm over a barrel here because I don't/can't pay the bills. So switching services has to go through my mom. The one person who isn't here during the day, who uses the Web the least, who has a zillion other things on her mind.

    I've checked out reviews on our ISP (they are largely extremely negative - stay away from DSL Extreme), I've looked into other ISPs (FiOS seems the best, even though Verizon gets lots of negativity, but they are also the priciest - roughly three times the cost of DSLEx). But if we're going to have service that's worth a darn we have to switch.

    I come home and try to talk to my mom about it. But she seems sick and tired of me whinging about the Internet. As per usual when I'm done speaking she doesn't say anything. Then she starts speaking on a completely different subject. Which is how she does things, because she always has something else on her mind. And I can rarely fault for it, especially not tonight.

    She took my dad (aged 86) to the doctor today. They got some blood work back. All positive things about his blood are failing. We knew he's been courting kidney disease for a while now. My dad has a huge fear of being put on dialysis. Now there's a new, unpronounceable disease that's on its way, some kind of leukemia. My mom told me about this in that hollowed out voice of someone who is really scared. I watched her hands shake. Something I don't think I've ever seen before.

    My mom is a lot of things. A giant pain in the ass. Moralizing to excruciating levels. Shortsighted. Blustering. But scared...? Never. I've seen her in emotional pain once or twice maybe. But when things don't work out she gets disappointed and pissed off. Very, very unlike me. She isn't fatalistic like me or my dad. Hard nosed realist, yeah. Anxiety is not her thing. God I hate listening to her try not to cry. It's weird and Not Right beyond words.

    And my dad. My daddy... God. This is why I try not to bitch about little things like not having the money to build my life right. What the fuck difference does it make if it takes five minutes to load a Web site and if I have to go park it in a cafe to watch a video? I hate myself for the freaking out I did earlier worrying about stretching out my gas/money for the planned trips into LA over the next week.

    I'm pissed off and scared because I can't do anything about anything.

    Well, hyperbole aside I did make it to the gym tonight. I come back to the wry idea that, if nothing else, I can go to the gym. I need to kick my own ass to go often enough for it to make a difference. I've found that I really can't make myself only go to the gym, I have to be out for something else, and then get in a workout on the way back.

    At the very least, even if I'm still tangled in my safety net, it's at least holding strong for now and none of my problems have, so far, been more than it can handle. (*knock wood* I live in fear of my health going south before I get on my own two feet - which includes coverage. Perimenopause isn't just a thing I hear about on the news anymore.)

    @Greasemonkey - thanks for your input on the Can Haz Help thread. And def take the eyeballs to the doctor. Ophthalmologists have regularly told me that sift action is absolutely vital whenever my crap gets rolling. Being blind fucking sucks balls.
    @people with friends thinking dark thoughts - yeah there isn't a lot you can do if they go off into the darkness, not without making them feel worse. BUT you should know that if they are choosing to talk to you about it they consider you a lifeline. There are few people I trust to talk to when I'm in a depressive funk but when I can get to talk to someone I'm often (internally) desperate for a way out. I need something else to look at, to think about. I don't need a big laugh...I need somewhere dry to put my feet, if that makes sense. Something to drown out the noise in my head screaming "fuck you, razrangel, you prick. You're a damn loser who sucks up too much oxygen. Die already. if you ran your car off the road no one would give a damn...." Good friends who'll take my hand when I'm there and just chat with me about whatever and let me know they like me hanging around are simply everything to me. So... if someone has trusted you, no you don't have to take on their sorrow, but it is good to keep in mind that they're in a place they don't much like either and are trying to find the exit.
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2012
    1: The Boo.
    Going back to school after vacation. Happy times now creeping their way back to out-of-my-depth times. Been experimenting with keeping my head down after work and getting an early night. It's not really working, as I'm just avoiding people who'll probably cheer me up.
    Had a a day where I was just bouncing between classes that seemed dreadful and didn't get a moment to settle my thoughts. Then a guy shouted at me in the car park and it felt like my grip on the day almost crumbled away.

    2: The Huzzah.
    Went grocery shopping and the man at the checkout said "Thank you, mister. Have a good night". It made me chuckle.
    I know there's good stuff around me all the time, its just harder to notice on bad days.

    3: The Applause.
    @razrangel Your post resonated with me. My dad won't go to the doctor's. No one can make him go. And I'm sure he's not right. It's a toss-up between respecting his opinions and fear of him going too soon.
    Trying to put your stuff in perspective and noticing that your mum is scared is doing more than you realise.

    @everyone Good luck.
    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2012
    Shit: Doctors, hospitals, more sodding tests, seemingly random pokings and proddings and generally feeling like shit for no obviously discernible reason. And now the electrics in my van are misbehaving.

    Sugar: Managed to help a couple of people out of their immediate holes, something which feels surprisingly good and gives me an excuse to keep breathing.
    Got the chance to take some pictures that i've been wanting to have a go at for a while now and i'm actually quite pleased with some of the results.
    Went down to Eastbourne to see my mate and his girlie and didn't completely disgrace myself. More like this please!
    Managed to pay off all the bills. Hurrah!

    12 year old single malt on a tray with two glasses: Oh my, where to start? Let's look up shall we? Looking up is important, it's easy to forget the stars when you're concentrating on not falling down the next hole in front of you, or trying to climb out of it. They are still there though, and they shine regardless, which brings me to:

    Mr Stoto - it is often difficult to see the good stuff, knowing that is half the battle. There are bad days, there will be good days.

    Razangel - i wish i could do more than just say 'hang on in there'.

    Greasemonkey - Good luck with the doctors and hurrah for the art!

    Fishelle - There are people who would thieve the very air you breathe if they had the chance. Stick at it kiddo, it's not just because you've been around a bit longer, you're just too damn modest Madam.

    Roo - Poor is hard to handle, not impossible though. Markers and sketchbooks and paper is good, writing stuff is good. Go for it!

    Mr Flecky - It might not always feel like it but you are in charge, it goes as fast and as far as you make it go. If you have to stop pushing and take a breather, ok. If you need a bit of a hand ask around, you'll find some help somewhere. I have said it before and i'll say it again, Mr Flecky, i want you to WIN!

    Everyone - I want you to WIN too, i'm just too tired to say exactly how, so i'll just say goodnight instead.
  5.  (10787.15)
    My access to the internet has been incredibly limited and I really don't think I can adequately respond to the posts before me, but I think I'll try anyway.

    Boohoo: I'm very tired. Being tired sucks. Recently my doctor has more or less said I'm probably in the "chronic fatigue syndrome" camp. I know that compared to a lot of people, I have it ridiculously easy. But it still sucks. I'm currently doing a food allergy experiment where I strictly fast from a certain food, to see if that might be relevant. Started with dairy, and first, fake dairy stuff is really expensive (or any food allergy related stuff), and second, I really missed eating cheese. Working at a pizza production place when you can't have dairy is really awful. Thankfully, that's about over. Next on the list, and a huge possibility as a cause, is gluten, which is terrifying, considering how much I love wheat based... well anything. One of my nicknames as a child was Roti Renee. So... yeah. As much as having an answer would be nice, discovering a gluten allergy/intolerance would be terrifying. And this weekend is a shitty job weekend. At least it helps pay the bills.

    Yay: My main job is spectacularly amazing. My boss is so cool she insisted that I did an open mike once during the summer, and this week was the week it happened, complete with special scheduling so I could get out early to get ready. Wednesday night was the open mike, and when I got there, I discovered that she had a tab started for all the workers. Like I said, she's pretty amazing. While the experience was somewhat terrifying and I found out that I need to sing louder/closer to the mike, I was told that I had good pitch and that I did well. Yay for not sucking my first time through! I threw an after party at my apartment, in which plum wine and Japanese cherry green tea was enjoyed. And everyone had such a good time that it might become a slightly common thing. Now I just need to get some practice singing with a mike.

    Applesauce: Good gods, who to start with?
    @Oldhat: Get well soon!
    @razrangel: Hugs. I'm so sorry to hear it.
    @Fishelle: Damn. Sorry to hear about all the suck. Especially about the paper theft.
    @Rootfireember: Best of luck with all the cleaning/sorting. I hope you can manage some time to yourself somehow.

    Gah. I need to go home and go to bed. I read all of these and maybe when I have a netbook again I can respond more properly to these.
  6.  (10787.16)
    @Trini- I'm apparently not being kicked out (at the moment) but still cleaning/sorting/trying to find a new place to live. Spent a good chunk of monday sleeping off the stress of the weekend though, and tues. as well. :P
    Hopefully things will turn out. Damn idea of it still gives me stupid panic attacks.
    • CommentTimeAug 31st 2012
    Thumbs up: Officially in Montreal. Like my new place; haven't really gotten to know the roommates, but I tend to put off the deep meaningful discussions until after figuring out the basics. Mostly I want to get their stereo working, and then see if they like my music, and we'll take it from there.
    Classes start next week, so I'm mostly exploring and picture-taking and museum-visiting and admin-paper-working with the university.
    Also had a really nice meeting with the head archivist at the university, who has some projects in mind for my volunteer tenure. Looking forward to it.

    Thumbs down: Money money money food money travel money lonely money. Just had two grand dropped off my student loan, which makes either finding a work-study/part-time-job imperative or getting a private line of credit, which is just so depressing I want to vomit. Can't get in to see anyone in the financial aid office until Wednesday, so I'm on tenterhooks until then. Trying to convince some friends from home to come visit me this weekend so I'm less bored and antsy, although having them here will necessarily cost me money. Need a bicycle. Need to see if the two people I know in this city are actually around and willing to hang out with me. Maybe this is where having a Facebook account might come in handy?

    The rest of you: Stoto, this boat sucks! Let's get out of it! Although my grocery-store experience was some dorky French guy telling me he liked my flowered shirt and that I was a beautiful flower and that he hoped we would speak again. Weird/cute/weird.
    Roadscum, your B&W noctography is cool. I have to remind myself just to take the camera with me during my wanderings and hope something happens.
    • CommentTimeAug 31st 2012
    More of a quick update than an actual post, but I had my kidney surgery on tuesday and everything's alright. Now to heal up, which takes several weeks. I have painkillers, The Wire and Star Trek, so I should be good.

  7.  (10787.19)
    Been waiting to hear from you re: surgery. Glad it turned out well.
  8.  (10787.20)
    The boo.

    Kind of realised that the intense fatigue I've been feeling is down to my total dependency on caffeine. I cut it out pretty much completely for a few weeks, because I'm bleaching one of my teeth, and was told I couldn't drink tea or coffee (which prompted a bit of a "what the fuck?" conversation with my dentist). I figured that it would be hell for about a week, but then it would get better. But it didn't. It just got worse. To the point where I was falling asleep at my desk again, and people were having to wake me up. Two cans of Red Bull for breakfast on Wednesday, fixed me totally, and I've been pretty much fine for the rest of the week. All I can think about this at the moment is that the caffeine is essential to counteract the sedative effects of citalopram, and cutting it out, just isn't going to be possible. Bollocks.

    My car got broken into as well last week and the stereo as well as anything in the car that wasn't nailed down got stolen. Right outside of the house as well, which is a real shock because I've never heard of any crime at all happening in the street. Apparently there was a rampage right across the town, the policeman who came round, said that there had been several break-ins in cars across the area. As a result, the local glass repair place was completely swamped and I couldn't get it repaired until Thursday. Insurance covered me for some of the cost of the window, but the excess wouldn't have covered the cost of the stuff I had nicked, so all in all, about 250 quid out of pocket.

    Two days later the police put a note through the door. Warning all residents about a spate of car crime. A few days earlier might have been good.

    Have been spending money I don't have like water. Need to get a grip on that fast.

    My kiddie is still got a couple of weeks to go in plaster, which is a shame because she starts school . I think it's mending, though, and she's forgiven me for breaking it in the first place.

    The huzzah

    It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll treat myself to a birthday this year. This time last year. My partner had just miscarried and then suffered a serious haemorrhage, so there wasn't anything to celebrate. This year, it's my last birthday with a three in front of it
    , And I have an unfeasibly large cake, cider and we shall have fiendish chilli. And, touch wood, partner still happy and healthy and baby due in November.

    Plus, having my car broken into made me get my finger out, and sort out some of the things that were wrong with it. As well as getting a new stereo, I found a bunch of parts on eBay, so I could do things like fix the broken lights wing mirrors and windscreen wiper assembly. I just have to get it into a body shop to have a nasty dent in one of the doors fixed, and the boot spring replaced and it'll be in pretty good condition for a 17-year-old car.

    The applause

    @Oldhat (my voice recognition software interpreted that as "adult cat")

    Glad everything is okay, hope you recover quickly without too much pain.

    @roo - art supplies make everything okay. I'm sorry you have to move, I hope it leads to something bigger and better.

    @Fishelle - graduating debt free is a wonderful thing, even if scumbags do nick your supplies. I nearly managed it, but then I got very silly over a girl and blew everything on a nine-month bender.

    @bob - eternal respect for managing to run a marathon. I mean, running, to me, is something you do when a bar is about to close... Also sorry to hear about the breakdown, I know how that goes, at least you've recognised it – that's often the hardest part.

    @AtomicSloth -
    I hope Reading was cool for you

    @razrangel - sending good vibes for your father
    @Flecky - again, hang in there.