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  1.  (10822.1)
    The Rules:

    The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

    1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

    2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

    3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

    Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

    • CommentTimeSep 3rd 2012
    The boy that I've been in love with for a couple of years now decided that he had to try and hurt me really badly and push me away so as to get me to move on with my life. Because his opinion is all that matters. And actually talking to people isn't the way to go about things. And giving tons of mixed messages then quickly making this decision out of the blue after making someone hope for something good for years is cool, too.

    I just can't even. As if being in love with him was a choice, and he could just make it stop.

    The garbage disposal at my apartment broke just as I was shoving a bunch of moldy food down it from our fridge that needed to be cleaned so badly. So the kitchen being a swarm of fruit flies and us having to do laundry, I convinced my sister to drive us to visit the parental units for the remainder of the weekend. It's helped. Been feeling little and useless and like I have too much life in front of me. Being at home and in quieter country has helped this not seem so bad. Little is okay.
  2.  (10822.3)
    The Shitty:
    The weekend of the crap-job was exhausting, I have a crap load of dishes to wash and other boring cleaning and grownup stuff. I'm trying my best to ignore the fact that I haven't really been saving money like I should be, because that is also depressing. I do not like the way my body looks. Other such things.

    The Pretty:
    I finally watched Wall-E and Shawshank Redemption. Both were as at least as good their reputation. I really got a kick out of the 2001: Space Odyssey references in Wall-E. Going through the collection of movies at the library has been fun. I think I need to make a list so I'll remember all the important ones. Or whatever. I'm going to be starting work at my main job at 2pm instead of 1pm, which may or may not be a good thing, but for now, I'm going to put it under good.

    The Something that Rhymes with Shitty and Pretty and is about Responding to Other People:
    @Fishelle: The boy is an asshole who doesn't deserve you. Unfortunately, romantic feelings are really hard to control. How we behave is another matter. As far as I can tell, you've been giving him distance and doing your best to get over him. While I find focusing on all the ways it won't work tends to help, I have more practice then I'd like with needing to fall out of infatuation, or desire, or whatever. So perhaps my advice isn't that good, as my intuitions in that direction are fairly worthless. Best of luck with moving on.
  3.  (10822.4)
    The Bad: Employment situation remains unchanged since previous spleen ventings. No call-backs, a couple of e-mail rejections. Not much more to say on that front. I Tried to call The Ex today to say hello and let her know that I'm back in California and got a generic voicemail box, so now I'm worried that something happened to her since the last time she actually responded to an e-mail from me (which was January) and I have no way of confirming she's okay without resorting to some super-creepy stalker behaviour that I'd much rather not, and the worry is putting me into panic shut-down mode. I don't care if she wants to see me or not, I just want to know she's alright.

    The Good: I'm moved back to California! Unfortunately had to move in to my dad's while I sort out the employment situation, but it's a hell of a lot better than being in Phoenix. I went to the beach today and swam around in the ocean and was quite happy until the aforementioned attempted phone call.

    The Hugsplause: @Fishelle: Seconding Trini: that boy is an asshole. And clearly he is a Boy not even attempting to be a Man. I get the lack of control over who you fall in love with (ref: the endless pining over my ex), but if he's trying to hurt you to make you stop, then he's truly Not Worth It.
  4.  (10822.5)
    Well, fuck:

    Student loans are forgiven when you are considered disabled. Which I am, according to the government. However, it seems the Federal Loan part of the government doesn't believe the Social Security part of the government, and I've got to go through a whole new process of proving my illness, with all new proof. If I don't do this, the federal loan part of the government might very well take my SSI and garnish part of my Disability, leaving me with less than $400 a month to live on.

    Also, I'm going to see a geneticist on Wednesday. I'm sort of terrified in a loathing and excited kind of way. Then an endocrinologist on Friday. Then a new spine specialist next week.

    Also, my good camera lens died and I've no idea how I can afford to replace it. I have no means of taking good photographs and it's killing me.

    Also, I'm really feeling emotionally unaccessible. I dig the fellow I'm dating, we're old friends, and I think he's awesome. I'm just not.... I'm not into cute. I'm not into smoochy. I'm not into being touched most ways most of the time. I don't like being crowded. I don't like someone's face all close to mine looking right at me inches away. I'm really really REALLY fucking trying to be accomodating, but fuck... I find myself quelling my natural responses to pull away and jump and making myself try to enjoy things I really just don't dig. Like standard ways of expressing affection. But he IS into affection and touchiness. I don't want to think that we are just totally wrong for each other, because we are so awesome together in all the "on paper" ways.

    I suppose I'm really seriously not meant for romance. I've not had a significant other for .... ten years? I work on a more subtle palette. I kiss when KISSING should happen, not as a replacement for "bye, see you later." Holding hands feels sweaty to me and is pointless. I prefer something quiet and meaningful like leaning against each other shoulder to shoulder.


    I had a dream last night were I was at some sort of cafe and there were these painted pieces on each table with amusing phrases scrawled across them as some sort of art object, and they had been created by our own Flecky. That was amusing.

    I've started painting again.

    I've started going through my backlog of photographs again, and enjoying being productive with that. My TUMBLR is going CRAZY!

    As mentioned above, I'm finally going to all the doctors that I'm afraid of/ need to see, and maybe I'll actually get some answers.

    I might start a long distance tumblr collaboration with my estranged Sticky Friends partner. I miss us.


    Fishelle, seriously, I don't know what to tell you other than you will, at some point, no longer be in love with the fellow, and it will feel awesome. I had a similar situation, a guy who I was a mess over for years since I was 19. Back and forth, we'd hang out, we'd hook up, then he'd ignore me, then he'd date someone, then I'd date someone, then we'd hook up, then he'd be a dick, blah blah blah. About 6 years into the drama, we'd hooked up, I told him I'd still had feelings for him and probably always would. I didn't hear from him for three months, and then was told by a mutual friend that he got married. Well, fuck. And that was that. I still care about the guy, and now, after another 7 years of hardly seeing him (until he got divorced), we are cool with each other. Yeah, he DID try to get in my pants when we hung out, and I made out with him just to see... and there was nothing. No power. And it felt awesome. And y'know what? Even if you never fall out of love with this guy, there are SO MANY other people to fall in love with out there. So much more to experience.
  5.  (10822.6)
    @Rachæl Tyrell

    What kind of camera lens do you need?
  6.  (10822.7)
    @ Kay - Well, the one that broke is THIS, and the one I think I'll try to replace it with is THIS. Time to scheme and hustle!
  7.  (10822.8)

    Yeah, there's a lot more flexibility you can get there. Good choice. I was going to suggest though, as a stopgap measure, something I did a while back - adapter rings for old manual lenses off of film cameras are dead cheap, like the $7 sort of range, and such lenses can often be grabbed from thrift stores for next to nothing. I've got a box of them, so if you wanted one and couldn't find one I could potentially send one over. My wife is going to the US on Friday so I wouldn't even need to post it from Oz, I could ask her to do it from New York.

    Obviously there's a lot of things you can't do with such a lens but it lets you keep taking pictures without radically altering your digital workflow while you raise the cash for the good lens. And sometimes I've found that having to re-engage with the world of manual focusing can force me to slow down and think and challenge my habits which is never a bad thing either.

    Just a thought!
  8.  (10822.9)
    Me again.

    The Good:

    I went to one of the top rated geneticists in New York City yesterday. She was awesome. She spent over an hour with me going through my medical history and that of my relatives. It seems that my personal M theory was totally on the money, and she's come to the same possible conclusions that I have: almost definitely Ehler Danlos Syndrome, possibly the vascular variety (or maybe some other more nondescript connective tissue disorder). Therefore, I get the smug joy of being completely justified in my medical theorizing, and knowing that I can lord my righteousness over all those who thought me lazy, weak, or hypochondriacal. Fuck you, I was right!

    The Bad:

    Well, It seems that my personal M theory was totally on the money, and I almost definitely have Ehler Danlos Syndrome, possibly the vascular variety (or maybe some other more nondescript connective tissue disorder). Therefore, I get the terror doom of having to face a probable diagnosis that will mean maybe five good years left in me (but almost certainly dead in fifteen); a future of ever looming strokes, organ ruptures, heart malfunction, pain, and spinal instability; and the hideous possibility of my lady parts falling out (no exaggeration, I've an aunt who might have to get sewn shut to avoid uterine prolapse, and I'm already showing future signs). I go for an echocardiogram doppler thingee Tuesday to determine whether it's the vascular version, or just a connective tissue version, or perhaps some overlap between the two.

    The Others:

    Kay, that's amazing of you to offer! I actually went to the camera repair shop that I was recommended yesterday, and they don't service Pentax. Only Pentax services Pentax it seems, and the guy said I'd probably be better off buying a new lens than paying to fix my broken one. So, I'm not really sure what to do. I have a kit lens (crap) and a manual lens I bought on ebay super cheap (crap). I think what I really need to do is get that prime lens somehow. I can't hope to hire myself out without a proper lens, and it's my only real means of possible income.
  9.  (10822.10)
    @Rachael - hugs hugs hugs. While there must be some comfort in moving closer to a diagnosis, that must be hard to hear. Really hope you get some proper help and answers now and that the terror doom doesn't come to pass. Just seems really unfair that shit things happen to good people. Sucks about the lens too, the feeling of having broken gear, especially broken expensive gear, is horrible.

    My own headspew:

    The boo

    Partner's engaged in battle with car dealer over faulty car. Not what she needs right now, given she paid over the odds for the damn thing, her parents are also being taken to court in Spain by their bastard neighbours who are making a false claim for damages against them. Fuck these people. Am snowed under at work, and the graduate who was helping me is leaving the team with 4 days notice for a role in another one, which isn't ideal, plus people seem to have had a whole bunch of bright ideas this week which all needed doing at the same time. And my boss has been promoted to a new role, which I'm pleased for her about, but quite sad to see her go. And I'm knackered and scattered again and I can't figure out why, or get a grip on how to fix it yet. Oh, and screw the Tory party, the reshuffle of evil idiots has made me depressed.

    The huzzah

    Littlest daughter started school today. She seems too small, but she's happy to be going and I'm pleased she'll get to see other kids. I seem to be getting on really well with my partner at the moment, I went through a spell of feeling quite cold and emotionally dead, which was horrible and that's lifted. I'm much happier like that, I feel warmer. We did something really spectacular at work on Monday, involving masses of people, which I'm pretty proud of being involved in - still drained from it, but was a great thing to do.


    @Fishelle - guy sounds a dick, or if that's unfair, someone with a lack of emotional maturity. Others are right on this - it will fade, but don't allow yourself to be hurt by someone's games or messing about.
    • CommentTimeSep 7th 2012
    It's been a while, hasn't it, since I've been here? I just haven't been up to writing the same shit as ever (see NO section for more), but here I am.

    My birthday is Monday. That's pretty cool. Gonna be 25. Not sure what I'm doing, since the fella works most of the day, and my parents are likely gonna be busy planting strawberries (a side-YES there, I helped them w/ that today. I can enjoy my berries a little more this year, knowing I put some of them in the ground), and I don't really friends to do anything w/... But at least I'm not gonna be at work on my birthday for once. And, uh... the fella bought that PSY ep off iTunes, so I can listen to "Gangnam Style" on repeat in my car. That really is a good thing, honest.

    Had a HUGE breakdown the other day. Like, the-fella-almost-left-me-and-I-have-a-cut-on-my-forehead-from-banging-my-head-on-the-door-frame huge. Same problems as ever, but they build and build and I keep hearing the voice in my head call me a fuck-up over and over, and our sex life is almost non-existent because of my stupid brain and my stupid body, and I HAVE to go to the doctor to make sure everything is okay psychically, and I HAVE to see if he can refer me to a psychiatrist. I just have to, or I'm just gonna end up alone forever, and I'm never gonna get over the shit that's making it impossible for me to get out of my own head and be okay around people.
    Needless to say, I'm still not in a great state of mind.
    The downside of my birthday is that it's making me think of the passing of time, and in turn, making me think about death. Which isn't really good w/ this not-great state of mind.

    Rachael- I nearly cried, reading the description of vascular EDS. I don't even pray, but fuck it, let's just call it that... I'm praying for you, that it's not that.
    Trini- I spent a summer in high school renting out movies I "needed" to see. That was probably the best use of summer I'd ever come up w/. And now I'm wishing I had gone to the library first! So, yeah, it sounds like you're gonna have fun. :)
  10.  (10822.12)
    The yay:

    I've been extremely productive on the creative side of things lately. Hammered together three short stories and have a couple of ideas baking in the oven, just waiting for the comments from the novel from the copy editor so I can sink my teeth in the third draft, and so on. This makes me a happy panda.

    The dive school continues and I just may be able to juggle that and the dayjob, all the signs point to good. I also managed to get a entertainment news writing gig that helps with the abysmal money situation quite a bit, and a 1000€ book translation deal that is actually related to the dive studies.

    I've also met and gotten to know some rather interesting people, ladies mostly, and just yesterday I realized that I think I'm falling for someone a little bit. Time to game out what to do with this information, since the situation is more than a little bit complex and for fucking once I'm thinking not doing something totally impulsive. Well, we both have a ridiculously busy couple of weeks ahead of us, so there's time to think things through.

    The nay:

    So. Fucking. Broke. Dive school is not cheap, still dealing with the move and the related costs, and running out of work fast. I have some stuff lined up for next year, when this gig ends, but being once again in a situation where I have to start sending out work applications really gets on my tits. Like, fucking really. I can has some semblance of predictability with employment, plz? Well, I guess I should be grateful to have any kind of a job.

    The... umm, thou?

    @brittanica: Happy birthday, and damn - that sort of shit is tough to get through. I hope you get a good referral from the doc and get it sorted out to be manageable.
    @Rachel: Shit, words fail me. Wish I could mail you a hug.
  11.  (10822.13)
    Jesus, Rachæl, that's... that leaves me at a loss for words.
    I hope they're wrong. I wish you lived closer so that we could go out for dinner and talk.
    I'm bad at posting on the internet.
    • CommentTimeSep 9th 2012
    - recovering from the kidney surgery at home. Will be a few more weeks before I'm able to go back to the normal routine of life once again. Morale isn't being helped by the fact that I have a small pinhole in my incision which bleeds like a motherfucker any chance it gets. Waking up in the mornings in a pool of my own blood for four days straight is kind of getting to me. Still, have been assured that it will heal soon. Also annoyed at many of my friends who said they would contact me seeing how I was doing and haven't. Feel rather hurt and recovering at home is boring as hell.

    - While washing up I broke down and cried for about 15 minutes over the fella, who I haven't heard much from since he told me that he's taking a break from things in order to fix himself. I understand it all and look forward to seeing him feeling better, but I just miss the hell out of him.

    - The reason for the surgery, which was to look for something possibly scary that would require a lot more hospital visits, came up empty. I'm as healthy as a horse on vitamins.

    - Have seasons 2-5 of The Wire as a get well gift from my aunt and a friend loaned me every Star Trek series ever made. So I'm definitely not short of viewing material.

    - I can drink alcohol again! Have a few craft beers that I was saving up. Looking forward to writing in The Thirsty Wench again. Have a comic/beer pairing post to finish.

    - Family has been amazing. After years of living together more like we were roommates, it's nice to know that our love for each other breaks that and we step up when one of us needs it.

    @Rachael, Jesus...I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope the diagnosis comes up with something more positive and that you have many more years ahead of you. That's just godawful.

    @Fishelle, What a fucking loser that guy is. Fuck him. He sounds like an emotionally immature dickwad. If he needs to play games instead of just talking straight, he's not worthy of your attention let alone your affection.
    • CommentTimeSep 10th 2012
    AYE: Turned thirty-eight goddamn years yesterday, am gearing up to visit good friends in NYC Friday

    NAY: I'll just come out and say it: I've got the shits.

    YE: @Rachael-Christ, that's awful. Please keep us posted. @oldhat-glad to hear you're on the mend. @Fishelle-dudes like that are not worth your energy.
    • CommentTimeSep 11th 2012
    The Boooooo:

    It's been a mountain of shit recently, and I won't get into specifics on account of NOT HAVING ANY BLOODY TIME (typed because I couldn't say bloody without sounding like a fool but here it works beautifully), but reader's digest version:

    Boss, work, wisdom teeth, braces, dental insurance is a crock of shit, money money money, work, the sads, not exercising/singing/making art enough.

    The "okay this is not enough but I WILL TAKE IT and CLING TO IT DESPERATELY"

    I got a photo pass for a show I had passed up on account of trying to save money. My other bosses are being incredibly nice about the aforementioned boss thing. Singing kind of?

    All Y'all

    Rachael, echoing what has already been said, keep us posted. We're all hoping/praying/whatever each of us do that you get better news.
    Oldhat, sending mending energiezzzzz yo' way.
    Fishelle, fuck that dude and the horse he rode in on. NOT worth your time, and you'll end up fabulously after a little bit of time.
  12.  (10822.17)
    The job that I love, which is a small family business, a really wonderful family who like actually deserve to have good things happen to them, best bosses I've ever had kind of people, so on and so forth, well, they're going out of business. Between the economy going to shit in 2008 and some bureaucrats not getting their asses together and taking more than 5 years to get some legislation etc through so small businesses can afford to sell food across state borders (like Duluth and the Twin Cities), they've been foreclosed on, and the lease they'd have to do to keep the building (and thus the business) is no where near affordable, and the investors/developers who have been interested and considered it have wimped out. How these people keep going with such positive attitudes with all the bad shit that has happened is beyond me. It's heartbreaking to see something that is so important to them go down the tubes.
    I have a second job already and can get more hours. It may be a shitty job, but it's a job. I'm fairly certain the other workers will be able to find jobs and whatnot. I'm sure that everyone will survive, financially speaking. I'm emotionally stable enough and have therapy to help me through this, etc etc. It could be worse.
    @Rachael: Holy shit. Hugs? Or tea? Chocolate? That's some scary stuff to be dealing with.
    @DavidLejeune: I hope you get a job soon.
    @Brittanica: Yeah, the library has been surprisingly amazing. I hope you get the help you need with the stuff that caused the breakdown. *hugs* Breakdowns suck.
    @Vornaskotti: Have I ever mentioned that your name sounds really cool? It sounds really cool. Glad you've got some awesome creative stuff going on, hope your money problems get sorted out sooner than later.
    @oldhat: I hope your friends get their heads out if their ass and visit you like now. At least your kidneys are healthy? Glad to hear your family is being pretty cool.
    @Fauxhammer: Happy Belated Birthday!
    @dorkmuffin: Hugs! Sorry to hear all the bad shit. Especially the dental stuff. Seriously, dentists freak me out. But yay photo show!!
    @Fishelle: Well there ya go, at least six people think that guy is an ass. I suspect there's a bunch more who think that, and they actually have to be around him and stuff.
  13.  (10822.18)

    Hah, thanks :) I assume you mean the real name, not the forum nick? I've always wondered how that sounds to a non-Finnish speaker :)
  14.  (10822.19)
    @Vornaskotti: The forum nick, actually. But Janos is probably fun to say too.
  15.  (10822.20)
    The Jesus fucking wept

    Still locked in battle with moronic , dissembling car dealer. I've got involved now, as my partner was getting very stressed by the whole situation. I'm not really much better, I can deal with salespeople, but dealing with monosyllabic imbeciles who make plankton look like the Renaissance and can't grasp basic concepts like the "car has to work as it was advertised" is making me struggle slightly. I mean, when they say stuff like "well, it is a second-hand car," and you have to reply "yes, but we have a perfectly reasonable expectation that it will be working when we pay five grand for it." you start to wonder how these people stay in business and don't get assassinated more often. We're screwed, living here, without two cars. Hate that from both an environmental and cost perspective etc, but it's not really viable for me to get to work on public transport (four hours plus commuting a day is bad enough with out it being six). And my partner can't get the kids to school without a car, being seven months pregnant. So when one doesn't work, it makes things really tricky.

    So I've got them to agree to repair it, and even to apologise for being all round shit, she was all for driving over there this morning and making a massive scene in the showroom, but diplomacy prevailed.

    Bloody long hard week, have been necking scotch and coke with handfuls of valerian tablets to try and defuse the built up stabby. And still haven't regained the ability to do anything creative, whether writing, photography or music. Which is really, really getting to me now, just feel like my mind's gone into a big, flat, drab mush. And I don't know how to break out of it, it's been months. Tried to set up a 'Getting Things Done' system the other week and it's just made me way more confused and scattered than I was before I attempted it.

    Mother-in-law is in Spain, in court on Monday, to find out if she's going to be shafted by her neighbours. Not nice, they've been outright lying bastards.

    The Hallelujah

    My eldest girl was 10 on Wednesday. Can't believe it. They grow up too fast. She may be the stroppiest little cow on the planet, but I love her to pieces and am very proud of her. Littlest on had her plaster off on Weds as well - finally. Will take some time for the arm to get back to normal but I'm glad she's free of the cast.

    The Blessings

    @trini - really sorry to hear about your job, always sad when a business fails especially if it's run by good people.
    @britt - happy birthday for Monday. Breakdowns indeed suck, look after yourself and remember always that they pass.
    @oldhat - glad you're on the mend.

    @all - stay cool