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  1.  (10822.1)
    @Flaybo: People grieve in different ways. Some people fall to pieces. I get hyper rational. Some people go numb. Regardless, don't beat up on yourself for not grieving the "expected way".
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeOct 5th 2012
    @Trini - yeah, it's been weird seeing how the different people that knew him are reacting on facebook. Most of us are still in the denial phase I think. I know I've been fairly hardened to grief since my mum died 15 or so years ago, so I'm not surprised I'm feeling mainly numb about it.
  2.  (10822.3)
    Hey Whitechapel. It's been too long. Bloody hell, where to begin...

    The kick in the groin
    Last month, at work we manger types were informed that the board was threatening that if we didn't hit the arbitrary and unrealistic goal by the end of the month, they were considering taking away the bonuses FOR THE ENTIRE COMPANY. So we had just over a week to try and save the annual good cheer of almost two thousand people or be the pricks who screwed everybody. We fell short. No word yet if there will be any actual action on the threat. We won't know that until probably March. Nothing like letting us all stew for six months.

    Work's been so fucking busy and exhausting that I haven't had time to check my e-mail, never mind virtually hang with you lovely folks. Thanks to modern technology, I've been able to scan twitter on the toilet, that's been the extent of my online life.

    My offline life's been a bit of a mess. I had to drop a grand on my car last month since the transmission computer was apparently fucked. I was without wheels for over a week. I live over an hour by car away from civilization at the moment, so I was trapped in the house, forced to borrow my mom's car to take the kid to and from daycare.

    The gentle rub of the injury
    I may have spent a thousand dollars, but I didn't need to buy a new (to me) car, which would have been significantly more. I have savings, but they are spoken for.

    One of the things I need cash for is to move. I'm extremely grateful that my mum let me stay with her for the last 3+ years, but I'm 36 damn years old. I need my own place. I looked at apartment's today. I saw one that was amazing (all things considered) but was a bit out of my price range. Heat/hot water were included, so I could probably make it work, but I would be stretching things. It's not available until 1 December anyway, so I don't have to decide quite yet. I'm still looking, but damn, I'm ready to move RIGHT NOW. The idea of having my own space seems so effing decadent.

    I sent a script to a lit manager who is a friend of a friend. She's also quite connected in Hollywood, so if she liked it/me it would not be out of the realm of possibility that I'd start selling words. Words I put onto paper!

    The reach around
    @Oldhat - Sorry to hear about the cold. Try not to stress about the weight gain. Weight isn't a competition. Stay healthy and in a body you feel comfortable in. Screw everyone else.
    @Vorn - I intend to peer pressure a friend into buying Iron Sky tomorrow. I still haven't seen it and may pony up the cash myself. It was the film in 2012 I've been most excited about.
    @Flecky - Fuckin' hell. Show those rehab bastards how to melt reality with their minds. We'll be here (periodically, when they let me out of my cell) sending whatever spare shreds of good karma we have your way.
    @The rest of you glorious bastards - I need to finish this beer and crawl into bed so I can be up in time to drive an hour to see an apartment at 10am. Stay deviant (or in the case of the "nice" folks, like @Beamish, deviant adjacent). I knock this back to your health and good fortune. Cheers!
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeOct 7th 2012
    GODDAMNITALLTOHELL - Not much, actually. No money, which makes me want to stab Jesus in the eyeball but if that's the least of my worries, I figure I'm laughing. Oh, fucked up my knee and now I hobble like a cowboy on Rawhide. Which is funny, if you know me and probably hilarious if you don't.

    IN WHICH SUNSHINE POURS FORTH FROM MY NETHER REGIONS - Had coffee with an old friend who hugged me like she meant it. (I even taught her about the Christian Side Hug.) Writing is DEADLY, these days. I'm closing in on something that's quite fabulous, if I do say so myself. The Best Cat In The World is happy, safe and content. AND IT'S THANKSGIVING! (You Septics - start celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving! For no other reason than I told you to do so! You'll thank me later! All you International Bastards - DO THE SAME! Look at the trees! Eat a lot of food! Canadian Thanksgiving is the BEST HOLIDAY because the only meaning to it is "Wow, life's not fucking awful. "

    @flabyo - sorry to hear that.
    @Vorn - you can do it and I know you can.
    @flecky - you can do it and I know you can.
    @sellme- Words on paper? Huzzah!
    @oldhat - glad to see you up and about but jesus, St. Catherines? (Actually, it's quite quaint. Do you do "quaint"?) You'd make a fine Brew Mistress.
    @ everyone else who's names I've either forgotten or don't know - picture me dancing wobbly -

    • CommentTimeOct 10th 2012
    @Hex, I am capable of doing "quaint", but will be thankful for the trips back to Toronto. Country life doesn't suit my black jacket wearing bitter demeanor. Also I forget where you asked it, but no, I don't know any of those people. i DO know Crystal Luxmore, the Grid's beer gal though.
  3.  (10822.6)
    The your pretty face is going to hell:

    It's been one hell of a bastard week. Partner went schizoid on me last Sunday night, because my youngest daughter broke a tapestry that was hanging on the wall. It was apparently all my fault because she was climbing on me at the time. I ended up hiding in the study. She calmed down on Monday, but then on Tuesday, she found out that damp had damaged the baby book that she'd written for my oldest daughter, wrecking a couple of the photos that were in it, rendering some of the hand writing illegible, and rusting all the staples throughout the book. I can totally understand her being upset by this, I was too, but she just blew it all out of proportion completely. On Thursday, she was on the phone to me in tears, for half an hour at work because my eldest daughter had behaved very badly in the morning, making everybody really late just being generally defiant. I had a very serious talk with her yesterday, managed to keep my temper, even though she was losing hers and ranting at me, and she was better behaved today, but the cumulative stress is really getting to me. Just want the baby to be born in one piece, come home healthy, and then we can start getting on with things. Just seems to be there's always something going off, some source of aggravation, but this causes things to be miserable. Work is being completely relentless as well so just seems to be piling up on all fronts. How the fuck I'm going to cope with with four children I have no idea.

    And I dropped my fucking camera last week, breaking the pop-up flash. I really can't justify adding to the debt mountain by buying another one, then have to try and fix it with plastic padding or something.

    The gimme danger Little stranger.

    The car, the venerable and increasingly foxed Moby Benz, passed its annual MOT test without adding any more than a moderate amount to my debt mountain. I eventually, after much trauma, managed to go on a short cycle ride last week, first time I've used my bike in anger for about five years.

    The I Wanna be your dog

    @oldhat - hope you're getting back to normal, and good luck with the beer. Re-phones- I have the Galaxy S3 and love it to bits.

    @sellmeyoursoul - good luck with finding a house, own space would be good
    @flecky - as always, hang in there and don't let the bastards drag you down
  4.  (10822.7)
  5.  (10822.8)

    GOOD: spent nearly two weeks in New Mexico with my best friend, got a tan, hung out at a hippy-ish farmhouse with dogs and cats and chickens and ate freshly laid eggs every morning. The elevation and weather of New Mexico totally eradicated my headaches. I might end up staying there for a month or two over the winter.

    BAD:The road trip portion of the trip home that i was so looking forward to turned into a mad dash to get back (in time for comicon so I can meet Peter Davidson, I hope). Also, my macbook is on it's last legs suddenly. Also, I might have kinda ended up racking up five possible felony charges during an encounter with a State Trooper today (but did at least not get taken to jail, so that's good, I suppose).

    OTHERS: Flecky, i have been not home since the end of last month, so I missed my window of opportunity to mail you things. I did buy you a postcard, but was afraid to mail it if you weren't there anymore.
  6.  (10822.9)
    Okay. When everything's settled and you're back on your feet: you will have SO MANY stories to tell us!
    Glad you had a great time in new mexico!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2012
    @Rachael: Yep, I'm still in Rehabton, Deathrattle, UK. The real address should still be on the old Vile Hugging Thing. I, too, am glad you had a good time in New Mexico, and I hope yer keepin' yer chin-up.


    I've got to be careful - real careful - what I type in at this bloody place; it's not like The-Days-Of-Old, when I could splurge my dementia via a laptop from the safe confines of my hovel in London. For example: A few feet away are humans; real humans. And I can't exactly slag the living shit out of them, lest they get clever - which I suppose they may try to do - and read my toss and say, 'Your a fucking wanker, you long-haired twat!'

    I've been through maximum-madness over the past few days: On Friday night, I was on the motorway at the bottom of the hill where my poxy dwelling unit is. I really wanted to leave - AGAIN - and I was tempted to go into the pub near hear; not for a drink, but just to get away from some of these people. I really don't have much in common with them, apart from the fact that we all took drugs and are mutants.

    It's fucking lonely, hard work being here. I'm feeling physically better, now that the Sickness and withdrawals and the Flu-Plague have floated off into the Ozone. But the crazy thing is, I miss it! All the way through, I was treating it like some mega-battle - my own personal 'Nam, for want of a better word-thingy. And now that's gone, I'm just some shitty veteran, stumbling through the streets of reality.

    I don't know; post Destruction Depression is a bastard. I've been at this place for nearly a month, and I'm still doing the Day-At-A-Time tool to survive.


    36 days clean, so that's some good-shit. I read out my Assignment One earlier today, where I had to write about the last six-months before coming here. It was a bit strange, and someone said it reminded them of Burroughs. Bloody Hell!

    There are a couple of people here who I can get on with OK, so it could be worse. I just got to remember why I'm here, and fuck all the other stuff. Thank ye all for all the kind words; it means the World.

    I'd best throw this into The Interveb, before someone turns-off these 'pooters.

    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2012
    I think I can speak for all of us here when I say - good fucking work Flecky. You are one hard bastard. And an inspiration to us all. Stay strong, stay brave, you glorious mutant! I salute you.
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2012
    The bad:

    I think I'm breaking. Maybe leading to another Great Breakdown like I did a few years ago, I don't know. A partial source is being stuck at home with not really anyone to talk to on a regular basis. Being at home alone with nothing to do, especially for this long, is pretty similar to locking myself in a room with someone who has hated me for years and is not above reminding me why. And as a result a lot of issues, some of which I thought long buried and some that I've been able to keep to a minimum best I can has just been rising up. And of course, I can't go in to depth about it, but still. Feeling nothing but numbness, sadness, a sense of panic and a LOT of hatred towards myself. Getting worried.

    The Good:

    Seeing my doctor in a couple of weeks and will take his suggestion of seeking counseling. It would depend on who I get, as I've had mixed results (First one I caught doodling and not paying attention, the other listened and gave me her personal opinion on things which helped) so there may be some trial and error, but I'm hoping that it will help.

    Doing some things to distract myself/calm me down.

    Losing weight. Partially due to lack of appetite and partially eating better when I do eat.

    Brewpot was ordered. And it turns out I'm getting a free thermometer attachment which kicks ass. Will be good to brew soon.


    @flecky, glad to hear that the sickness and withdrawals have fucked off and that there are some people you can get on with there. It's been a wonderful thing reading your posts here from since you started. Sending good thoughts your way.

    @hex, oh, the Christian Side-Hug. We had to practice that when I worked at the Christian Summer Camp.
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2012
    Flecky, it's weird, somehow your description of rehab reminds me of being in school. I have nothing in common with these people, and they all annoy the shit out of me. I want to be here, but not if being forced to interact is on the bill. :( Thirty-six days, mate, we're both at the start of a long commitment to ourselves and we're sure to piss off more than a few slag-worthy humans on the way. I'll punch a few for you if you punch a few for me.

    Robin: Picking a counsellor is so weird, like it's relationship-shopping. Worth it, but it's so awkward to try and determine whose advice is worth taking. Good luck on it; the couple friends I know who have invested the time have done really well by the help they've gotten. (One almost became a counsellor herself, she was so inspired.)
    Otherwise, I'm sorry I couldn't come deliver you a care package; I'm thinking something in the macro/still-life/lightbox family. There must be some creative channeling for all your boredom and frustration. When do you get the all-clear to venture back into the world?
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2012
    Oh, me, I'm okay. Learning to think in group-project terms: schedule an extra 50% whenever predicting completion times, because everybody lags behind me; always leave time to check other people's work; volunteer to hand stuff in, so I get the last word. And stop being nice when people fuck up.

    I'm working twenty-five hours this week. Eleven today. Mostly sitting quietly and typing on my phone for fifteen bucks an hour. So that's been pretty good. Might have also found an apartment for next month. And maybe I'll have time tomorrow night for art galleries! And Friday night, to see Blondes play!

    Still marginally behind on school stuff, in that I'd rather take an afternoon to photo-walk than catch up on my reading. I get cravings for artistic projects that I can't possibly hope to follow up. And I want to write again, which is cool, except everything's sitting in half-draft state or point-form notes I can no longer decipher. Meh.
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2012 edited
    Yeah, it really is like relationship-shopping. I don't have TOO many options since I have no money and am getting a counsellor through my health clinic which covers it, but am still hoping I can get on that I can at least gel with and provide some insight/opinion as opposed to just nodding and writing on a sheet of paper that will eventually be thrown out and forgotten about.

    I'm doing some things to get it out. Writing in a journal, some photography, beer writing/reading, that sort of stuff.

    Just fighting to not go in to "Turtle mode". Posting on here and on facebook has been okay, but e-mails to people have become difficult. A lot of looking at the reply screen and giving up.
    • CommentTimeOct 19th 2012
    I've never been to a therapist, but my psychiatrist is pretty much insisting that I go. My joke is, I take the pills so I won't have do deal with the feelings, but she's definitely right. There's a lot of trust issues I have, not to mention the whole macho "if you talk about your emotions you will literally die" thing, but I'm working up to it.
    • CommentTimeOct 20th 2012
    Not a whole lot new to report but I've had quite a bit of wine tonight, for the first time in a while, and all by myself. So it's really just letting nature take it's course...

    scrapes and bruises hitting a very achey point between lots to do, lots getting around that needs to happen and gas prices are spiking and I have to buy my own food on the road and no money till pay day, which is still over three weeks away. It could be much worse. My mom is helping me out. But it's a short loan and it's coming out of that payday. *siigh* If I were doing this for a full time gig it would be ok because there would be a chance of catching up eventually. But this is theatre gig, so when it's done it's done. And I kind of wish it were done. This play just ain't my thing and I'm really tired of the miscommunication going on at company, no one tells me jack or I get the wrong info and pass it along. No one blames but I feel like crap.

    But I press on. I have to pay these bills. The truck needs some maintenance pretty bad. I have GOT to get on top of my auditioning. It's the only thing that will get me out of fretting that I'm just stuck and sinking. It won't help directly. But it's something that shows I'm alive and doing something for myself.

    light in the window for now mom & dad aren't fighting, though there's still the occasional figurative hiss. Blah. children. But at least there is some semblance of peace. Friends are good people. Thank sweet Jesus. I have some good ones.

    some weirdness passed along my voice demo to another person to review. She wrote back saying the piece she liked best and thinks I should have rolling first is the same piece that makes me cringe and wonder why I ever included it on the demo. So. I have no idea what to do about that. Her 30+ years of pro acting work trump my dinky degree and fucking around in classes like whoa, but I can't make myself like the things I don't like. Definitely won't work it out while Under the Influence.

    cheers @Faux I first read that and wanted to be the smartass bitch and say well just how macho is it to be afraid of a little literal death. But never mind. It's good to face your shit. That's grown up stuff - and most grown ups I know routinely fail at it. So rock that shit and know there's nothing really to be afraid of. The world won't hurt you for being honest. Any one who even tries is only betraying how small they are.