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: All suffering will end
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Sep 26th 2012
When I dropped the first load of stuff off over at mom's, there was an interesting thing in the door. One of those churchy pamphlets, entitled "All suffering will end". I dragged my tv in and my insolent sewing machine (I never knew an inanimate object could insult people, but there you go), and laughed.
G.'s lost it, going increasingly violently and abusively senile, talking about how the house will be on fire, alarms, and sirens that ...aren't there, in between periods of brooding in the dark while he smokes, or watching Fox News as loud as he can.
I'm getting stuff to mom's. Service Dog stuff is on hiatus, and I've had to find a new home for my kitty (-I can't believe I'm typing that. But it's true).
This is a horrible, horrible time. And it scares me. Because there is NO logic here. And I don't know what he'll do next.
The plan so far is to just clean and get my shit out. Because it's probaly not that safe for me to be here. And after that I'll have only spotty internet. :(
Keep your fingers crossed for me and the kitties, guys.
Oct 2nd 2012
Oh no, kitty. I'd take her in, if I could. Lots of hugs for you, Roo.
Oct 9th 2012
Oct 10th 2012
This weekend my kitty (Fate) will be going to live with my friend Weazul, and within the next two weeks I'll probably finish moving in w/mom & the stepdad, and mom's dogs.
It's becoming increasingly clear that they really don't understand my depression or how a psychiatric service dog can help. But I've been give approval to train the older (and less favored) dog in prep for one day getting my own. It's said in that same 'one day' tone that most people use for the lottery; and it's very disheartening.
Mom made fun of my being a 'shut in' and talked about forced socialization with her & reed. Which I am not looking forward to.
This winter I'll be low on internets, without MY cat, and having to do the majority of care for two dogs-- who I don't really feel that bonded to. (Stewie is great and awesome. But I really don't feel a connection with him. Remmy ...tries very hard to be like my boy Hunter was for me, but he is also getting up in age). It hurts; because my mom thinks that the dogs are a real replacement for my cat, and that she doesn't understand the bonding process between humans and animals any better than she is capable of understanding me. It's just ...
And I'm terrified of being alone in the middle of nowhere, without support, in a long winter.
Absolutely fucking terrified. The whole move process, getting rid of the cat (jesus fuck.I feel like such a traitor but ...she has to be kept safe, yaknow? And mom's house is smaller, and there are coyotes outside- cats do NOT do well there)... and the stepgrandad's unpredictable behavior (Dementia? violent?) ... it's just a lot of shit to deal with.
Oh, and there's apparently a murderer running around the area shooting folks, now.
I'm really just feeling very offbalance this week and high in the negative thinking shit. Urgh. :<
It's hard to have faith and keep up hope when I can tell that my mom and stepdad really don't have faith in me themselves.
I can see it when they look at me, and every time they talk to me. Look at Roo: the fucking crazy failure.
Oct 10th 2012
Oh gods, Roo, I feel for ya :( I so wish there were anything material I could do for you. This is such a sucky situation to be in & you don't deserve any of it. I'd say you were in my prayers, but more accurately they're atheistic entreaties to the higher powers of SCIENCE! Which don't typically pan out that well in the divine karma stakes...
Oct 10th 2012
-I pray that the gods of Science will smite Romney.
And also make my mom and stepdad less insane. Tonight sucked balls.
We'll have to settle for air-hugs.
Oct 10th 2012
My preferred method of long distance condolence is MIND-hugs, but this is WC so let's not enrage the urethral maggots et al with too large a display of goodwill between all peoples...
Oct 11th 2012
*Putting a note up here (and damn near everywhere else so I don't forget)
-Need to look up more info on Agnosia.
Oct 12th 2012
Agnosia, huh? What sense are you concerned about perhaps not perceiving as presented? Its a fascinatingly ( and tragically) varied disorder...
Oct 12th 2012
-pretty sure I'm faceblind.
Which makes ...sense... of a lot of things.
Like how groups of people are really hard for me to figure out who's who. Even if it's a group I've recently met (ie: Class group projects).
Long haired blond folks of simmilar height (coworkers) tend to remain a mystery for at least a year before I can with mild confidence pick out who they are, or when people at work go through phases of wearing their hair simmilar styles/colors.
I've pretty much never been able to Identify a teacher outside of class with any ease by face, and I've done afew online facial recognition tests and failed them. Including for public figures I know and actors I like very much!
Emailed some places studying it to get more info,
I don't think it's a negative thing. Just a kinda weird thing.
Oct 15th 2012
So Fate's moved to my friend Weazul's, and is hiding behind their tub in the electric access pannel thing for the tub's jets.
I'm not sure what's worse: Dealing with a scared kitty (who they obviously want to not be scared) or dealing with me asking questions a million times a day because I'm distressed because my kitty's not here, and I know she is distressed and missing me as much as I'm missing her.
Oct 16th 2012
Oct 20th 2012
now for my update"
Fate's finally getting used to her new home. We had to get her out by skypechatting so she could her my voice and snuck out trying to find her 'mom'. Was really rough hearing her callin' for me and only able to talk to her, not able to grab her and hold her and tell her it was okay. Things have improved since she got out of the tub.
Had a fight with a freezer last night and took a good crack to the skull. Mildly concussed, but I think it's my first concussion sooooo...w heeeee.
Wish I could spend all night/day sleeping :P
Moms already planned on us doing a lot of stuff, as well as my budget (WTF) which will, as usual, end up with me in more debt. WHEEeee :P Saving, paying off bills, and college can NOT be all done with the same very limmited budget.
Her doing things with me also will cut HEAVILY into time when I could be doing things for me. Like writing and drawing a graphic novel and a real novel. Not looking forward to that at all, nor the limmited internet. She also seems to think I've just been spending money on shit (instead of mostly : Food to survive), or classes, and my car has a steering fluid leak :P
got to play with a puppy and mom started yelling at mee like a ffucktard that I couldnt keep it. It was her coworkers puppy, I didnt ask to keep it, was just playing with it (at coworkers request).
Heading out to work, not looking forward to it, but shit happens.
Oct 22nd 2012
Forgot to mention that I had battle with the work fridge, and it was a draw. The freezer was not harmed, and I fell on my ass for a moment. Concussed mildly. The headache remains, but I iced it enough that I don't look like someone sharpied my face (which was how it looked at first. FWOOP!), and I feel pretty much sleepy most of the time. Also: Espresso does not fix concussion headaches like it does migraines :(
Getting used to my 3g internets, and wifi-camping. Figured out where I'll go for wifi this winter, when I'm able, and started writing and drawing some crud again. Most of it feels like shit, but I figure I might as well just keep at it and keep up with practice because ...writing and art is what I love to do. I feel so much better and more stable when I do my creative stuff than the wage-slave business, which really isn't making me feel any better. The soul-sucking wage slavery really is a drag.
At least my coworkers appreciate my work and are a bunch of good people...even if one of them can't tell the difference between a walk-in cooler and a dish tank.
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