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  1.  (10874.1)
    yes! haven't seen the lot of you in far too long (my own doing)

    Weird week, where the things bothering me were put in perspective (but still bother me)
    Had to a staff member have to go to the hospital on Monday (she's all good now) and another co-worker leave early today to take his new born to the hospital. So everything else is just small stuff.

    That said, The sheer amount of inefficiencies or flat out wastes of time at work are driving me insane. Mainly because I was told flat out, I am not becoming an editor in Jan as I was promised due to other people's inefficiencies/inabilities to get their shit together.
    Mid Feb is the new timeline for my return to fulltime editing, but I'll believe it when it happens

    Good news
    Wife's etsy shop is picking up steam again. Which is good, cause every extra dollar helps
    Despite my aggravation at work, I'm set to edit a scripted comedy in the spring, which has been a goal of mine for a long time (and fairly rare thing in Canada)
    And last weekend I watched hours & hours of Pat Thornton. I'm a huge fan of the guy (local comedian/actor) and he did 24 hours of straight stand up (raising money for charity) and I'm still laughing at the stupidest stuff he said, like "Can I help you?" - Keanu Jeeves or "Short round, I'm calling long distance and I need you to pick me up" - Indiana Phones.

    @Hex - great to see you, hated the circumstances. (FYI Everyone, When the priest asked us all to "give a sign of peace" to one another, Hex skipped the hand shaking and went to the Vulcan "live long and prosper")
    @oldhat - Indie Ale House opened up near my place in the Junction. I think you would love it. They seem to be brewing different beers all the time and the staff all seem to know their shit, they are not just opening bottles of Bud.
    @icelandbob - glad your back! Yes, we Canadians are big fans.
    @trini - don't think I didn't make note that you're willing to "be interesting" if/when I get that doc in my head sorted
    • CommentTimeNov 23rd 2012
    Congratulations, JP!
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2012
    @Hex- im sorry to hear all the pain you're going thru..its been that kind of year over here too on my side.

    - wonderful news!!

    Heri Mkocha
  2.  (10874.4)
    Bad- tired of fighting my depression, and my mom and stepdad's constant assertions that it isn't real, that I'm honestly just a lazy, selfish, and horrible, stupid person. They don't want me to be on the internet at all, or socialize, because wanting to be treated like a human being is apparently a sign that I'm horrible, and everyone's corrupted me with horrible ideas; like the idea that it's horrible for me to be upset after being called horrid, or missing my cat and calling the friend taking care of her to see if kitty was okay after I had a nightmare that she had died. They threatened to dump me at a halfway house because I'm such a horrible human being.

    There was more yelling at me, and arguing; and things that make no sense. As a friend put it, they want me to fail so hard that they're doing all they can to make it so I can't not fail.

    The stress has made my brain a bit wacky. I suspect its trying to give me a way out when everything else seems fubar'd, or sleep deprivation.

    I have not destroyed myself.
    My coworkers have been awesome and supportive, even though I'm sure my I hate my life rants have bored them to tears by this point. I don't get a lot of hours: But at least they are SOME sort of stability.

    @JP- Congrats
    @PeterKelly- Glad to hear that the Esty shop is helping you guys. Hope the idiocy at work doesn't drive you insane.
  3.  (10874.5)
    Bad- this will likely be my last post for a while. My mom and stepdad are trying to take control of my finances, get rid of my internet and phone and any social outlet because I don't have the money for it, and its just a bad influence. I have to stop therapy, and likely meds as well.
    I don't know what to say. I'm very low, and I'm going to miss you all greatly. No matter what the family says, you guys have always been a bright point in my life, and have brought me more joy and happiness and hope than I knew before.
    You guys are an amazing bunch of people, and I'm sorry to be leaving you.
  4.  (10874.6)
    @ Root
    So shitty to hear this.

    I know you're not in control right now, but this won't last.
    It may seem like it will, but it will not. You will get to decide things for yourself, you will be able do what is best for yourself (and regardless of what other say, you are going to know that best) you just need to persevere. Life will get better. I swear to god it does.
    and if nothing else, as much as you love whitechapel, remember we love you too!
  5.  (10874.7)
    I'm terrified and afraid of turning off my 3G because I don't want you guys to go away and be stuck here.
  6.  (10874.8)
    This might sound ridiculous, but why not go all old school in the meantime, and, for those with whom you regularly interact here, skype, the chat room, why not exchange a bunch of addresses? Have an analog relationship with everyone you like to communicate with for a while? It might be nice to have the thrill of getting actual snail mail from day to day. Sometimes I feel like having something to look forward to for longer is a joy that lasts, instead of the manic and immediate satisfaction of online content.

    I'm not saying that your family isn't being incredibly dickish and harmful. But maybe you can find a way to make it less of a fucking nightmare of isolation.

    I say this as someone who has spent the most isolated times of my life when under the influence of family who have insisted on thinking that "tough love" was the way to go with me, while I was in pain and needing comfort/support/rest, not harsher treatment and social slaughter. Their treatment of me only delayed my ability to get back on my feet and on my own again. Some people just seem to think that if you are sick and can't do the things they deem mandatory, then you don't deserve social interaction or a source of entertainment and frivolity. If you had a broken leg, they'd not mind if you were guffawing at cartoons all day, but if you look fine, no consideration is given.

    But back to your situation at hand. Fuck em. Go analog. What, are they going to cancel the mail, too?!
  7.  (10874.9)
    Rach-good idea. And she doesn't have access to the Po box.
  8.  (10874.10)
    Rach, this is brilliant

    Roof, e-mail me peter at with your address and I'll gladly send you some snail mail.
    • CommentTimeNov 30th 2012
    Same here, roo. Send your address and expect mail.
  9.  (10874.12)
    @ Root

    Two things: 1. This is seriously dangerous. Your family think they're helping you but they're actually putting you at risk. Isolating someone with depression while making them come off the meds is the sort of strategy that winds up having to be justified to the coroner later on. Stay in contact with people by whatever means necessary. You need sane voices in your life.

    2. Rachæl's idea is gold, but if you have access to a computer you could go one step further: the old bin Laden Afghan Thumbdrive Gambit. You could still get your Whitechapel feeds by proxy.
  10.  (10874.13)
    @Rootfireember: Your family seriously scares me. I wonder if there are any programs you can take advantage of, just to get out of their control. And I'm fairly certain that trying to force someone to give access to their finances is very illegal.
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2012

    I was sterilized the other day! Since the moment I was explained how babies come to be, I've always known that carrying a pregnancy to term was not for me. Growing up into the person I am today has reinforced the idea that I don't want children and much more than that, I don't want to be impregnated. A couple months ago I finally got a referral from my gynecologist to another doctor in the same practice who does Essure, a permanent form of birth control that is minimally invasive. Friday was my big day.
    The procedure, as always seems to happen to me, apparently had everything go wrong that could possibly go wrong. All in all though, pain/discomfort level was like a combination of getting tattooed in a really awful place and the worst of period cramps. And then I went into a blessed pain killer coma for the rest of the day with one of my guy friends snuggling me and watching Star Trek. Yesterday I was on my feet and back to screenprinting for a full 8 hours, without even having to take a couple advils. Would do again, recommend to others, etc.

    And thanks to insurance, this cost me only the $20 co-pay. Whoo! I'll have an exam at the end of February to confirm that I have been sealed airtight, but am having a wake for our fertility for Valentines Day along with one of my best friends who himself had a vasectomy a couple months ago.

    @Roo - agreed about becoming pen pals if you'd like. Additionally, like trini says, maybe there are ways to get yourself away from them? Especially if you can see your therapist one more time. Obv, your therapist knows that you need to continue treatment and may be able to help advocate for you to get into some manner of program. What they're doing is insanely dangerous. We all believe in you though and will do what we can to help you out.
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2012

    Thanks, Glu. That's invaluable, for a friend of mine.
    On the topic of baby-making, I had about four minutes of sadface the other night. My man-friend is experiencing some health issues, and then I was reading what was frankly a morbid chapter in a fantasy novel about forced insemination, and then ... yeah. Weird. Thinking maybe I'll maintain my baby-making abilities for a while longer. The idea is kind of gross, still, in an overall way, but I can see a few distinct situations in which it might be warranted.
    Well, that was vague.

    In other news, school. In exactly 24 hours, I'll be just that much closer to being done this semester ... But my rates of procrastination up to this precise point are only now showing their drawbacks. In a word, flipping. Yet still procrastinating, here. Then it's about a half-day of relaxation (and a pot luck! I love pot lucks!) before something due on Thursday and something due on Monday and then I am DONE.
    I really need, like, three hours of not-school, to buy some waterproof boots. Winter is starting in Montreal and I am not prepared. Friday morning, maybe.

    I just really don't want to do that thing where I finish all my work and decompress and then FORGET EVERYTHING and stop being motivated to investigate stuff independently, until next semester starts and sucks me up and distracts me. The essay I'm writing right now might actually be super useful to one of my employers, and I want to capitalize on it. So, remind me to do that.

    Okay bye!
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2012 edited

    - Still missing Person of Significance and most victories are feeling pretty hollow without that person around. Could go on about that for a while, but you've had enough of my crap concerning it.

    - Still waiting to see a counseller. Call the crisis line if things get too bad, which thankfully, they haven't in a while.

    - Weight is still being a bugger. Though it seems like a good portion of the weight has gone to my boobs and, what now seems to be a very well-rounded butt. So...yay?

    - Parents, as much as I love them, are driving me up the fucking wall.


    - Beer stuff has been good. A review I did made it in to Cashbox Magazine, I went to a Toronto beer writer's meet where I got some respect from people I respect, and it looks like for my birthday on Tuesday I'll be reading over to a brewery to discuss a new beer and the science of it. Also may be getting some help from a champion homebrewer on a recipe idea I have.

    - Birthday is on Tuesday. I'm turning 28. One of the first birthdays I've had where I've been pretty indifferent. But still, the family takes me out to dinner and that's nice.

    - Got my early gift of a PS3. Playing on it a lot.

    Glu, congrats!
    Roo, you've got us as penpals!
    Peter, I know about Indie Alehouse. Haven't had a chance to go there yet, though.
  11.  (10874.17)
    Glukakke - I am happy for you, and jealous. I had looked into the Essure, but was told that it was dangerous by my doctor. Instead I got a traditional tubal ligation, which left a shitty scar that looks like I was stapled half way to my belly button (though he told me the scar would be below the hairline) and my belly button is fucked up now.


    Like I need something else to be self conscious about. I also woke up from the surgery in screaming pain, and looked like this:


    So... yeah. Good choice!


    I've started physical therapy. The regular kind, and the lady parts kind. This means I've got at least three visits to doctors a week which sucks and all, but it's progress. I've been terribly tired though, and going out a few days a week really does wreck me. However, the new possible diagnosis of Myasthenia Gravis is promising and makes a lot of sense. I've been trying to schedule this bastard test to find out if I've got it. What a fabulous birthday present that would be. I want to be this dog:

    (i think I posted that already.)

    I broke up with the fellow. I feel awful about it because I really and truly do love the guy. He's fabulous and understands a lot of my personal verbal shorthand and many different referencey dialects of life. I've known him for 12 years. But it's been six months and I'm not in love with him. And I was catching myself thinking things like "aw, too bad I'm taken". I think it's just too imbalanced, as he's had feelings for me since the beginning, and I'm starting from scratch for the most part. I'm trying to be friends with him, but I think he's too heartbroken to really be able to handle that for a long while. I get that. I was there. I'm trying to not be a dick and not be selfish, because I really do love his company and I really don't have many people in the world, and I don't want to just be slowly bleeding him to death in the friend zone.

    I dont' know what to do. He thinks it's a matter of my being scared. But I'm not. I'm just easily suffocated. EAsily smothered. I'm not ready for being a person's girlfriend and life-mate. But then, there are those rare occasions I'm willing in my own way, and on those rare occasions, I'm totally devoured by another person. Completely possessed. And I'm not really willing to accept less than that. Perhaps that's an unhealthy relationship ideal, but it's the kind that doesn't leave me wishing or wanting. And I don't have that with him. I wish I did, and it's giving me this really weird platonic heartbreak.

    However, the good that this has brought is that I have a new appreciation and understanding of the fellow I was all hung up on and heartbroken over two years ago. It was a confluence of bad timing, and while he didn't handle the situation very well, I was going through some terrible family crap, complete social isolation, AND I had lyme disease that made me bed ridden and crazy/hysterical from brain swelling. Every part of that equation fed into every other part. Now, I'm hoping that I've gone around full circle and that he and I can be friends. I still miss him, but it doesn't hurt. And that's pretty awesome.

    But it feels empty to not have someone I'm involved with or pining for or tempted by or anything.

    And then I think maybe I go through this only-wanting-guys-i-can't-have thing because I'm really more into women but they terrify me (and are expensive. and crazy). But that's a whole different rant.
  12.  (10874.18)
    -am allowed to use the internet for the rest if the month now. Thanfeckinggod.
    Will start doing snail mail once I write down who's/where's.
    got crapphone setup for twitter and Facebook, so at least I can get things updated somewhat and not like I dropped off the face of the earth. Still upset, very very stressed, & dealing with a lot of communication issues with mom involving her using over generalized/wrong words and changing topics without notice then getting mad at me. Honestly most of the time I have no clue wtf she is talking about...
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2012
    Sorry to hear about the breakup. It sounds like you're doing okay and everything, but that sort of thing always does suck a bit.

    Glad you'll be around for a bit at least. I can also snail mail if you'd like. My email is Although I have sort of sucked at snail mail the last few months.

    Fucking finals.

    I finished printing my thing for letterpress tonight. Was supposed to be a whole book, but I just managed the first signature. Still will probably get an A, or close to it. I'm going to miss the folks in Book Arts an awful lot when I'm done.
    Also finished carving out the background in my 8ft tall woodcut. Still have to finish the legs and actually print the blasted thing (by hand because it's too big for the press, which I'm not looking forward to at all). But it's looking good. I have until tuesday.

    I should not be allowed to come up with my own projects. Saying I bit off more than I could chew with this semester would be a substantial understatement. And this semester was supposed to be an easy one so I could keep my grades up and not lose my scholarship.

    I also got asked to do a comic for a neat local magazine. Still have to draw it all, and finding time is a bit tough, but it'll be neat to be in there.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeDec 5th 2012 edited

    PUNCHING JESUS IN THE FACE - As of this writing, my mom is still dead.

    My work makes me want to punch Jesus in the face and/or kick a baby down a flight of stairs.

    I have no money, few cigarettes and a scowl on my face that is truly frightening, whenever I bother to glance in a mirror.

    I am not to be fucked with these days. People get out of my way and that's a good-bad thing because I'd really like the chance to beat the shit out of somebody. The other day, four 'bros', each six-foot-plus, laughing like idiots and making noise, came into my work and I shut them up just by looking at them.

    SMOKIN' DOPE WITH BUDDHA - I. Can COOK. Embracing my Mustachio'd Domestic Goddess, I. Can COOK. Haven't failed yet. (Cut myself a couple of times but when I make food? IT'S GOOD.) My dad and my nephew don't really bother to compliment my culinary awesomeness, other than to mumble "s'good" in between bites but whatever.I CAN COOK. Ladies, feel free to swoon.

    Me and my dad continue to get closer. We're going to see Lincoln this afternoon and my dad is a HUGE Civil War/ Lincoln Nerd (I have a map of the Battle of Gettysburg and a portrait of the Surrender At Appamatox in my kitchen - heh. MY kitchen. *sniff* #hereIgoagain).

    My cat is awesome. And I have good friends, who care about me.


    @roo- sux. Stay strong. I'll write ya a letter, ya gimme yer address.
    @Rachael - also sux. We love ya, baby. Breaks my heart to see ya hurtin'.

    @EVERYONE - thanks for all your help. I've been a bit of a crybaby but you guys are the best. Thanks again. I'd kiss you all but that's impossible and neither of us would like it so I won't do that. But thanks again.

    @Peter Kelly - WHISKEY.


    iT HELPS.