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The Editing Room - Abridged Scripts for Movies
Welcome to The Editing Room, home of the original Abridged Script. What's an Abridged Script, you ask? Think of them like Cliff's Notes for popular movies, except that Cliff is an asshole because he thinks your favorite movie sucks.
ZOMBIELAND
The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. POST-APOCOLYPTIC WASTELAND
MICHAEL CERA is FIGHTING ZOMBIES and TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE.
JESSE EISENBERG (V.O.)
Stop calling me Michael Cera! I hate that! Anyway, I’m here to give you tips about surviving in a zombie apocalypse parody. I find that being fussy, adorably awkward, and altogether Michael Cera-like works best.
Suddenly, WOODY HARRELSON shows up in a BAD-ASS SUV.
WOODY HARRELSON
Hi, I’m a gruff loner.
JESSE EISENBERG
Rule number one of zany comedies: the odd couple. Clearly we have to partner up.
WOODY HARRELSON
Is that something my character would ever do?
JESSE EISENBERG
No.
WOODY HARRELSON
Hop in.
JESSE hops in the SUV. They head to the supermarket and KILL A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES.
WOODY HARRELSON
I want a Twinkie.
JESSE EISENBERG
Rule number six of zany comedies: the gruff loner has a soft spot for something wacky and childish.
WOODY HARRELSON
I also miss my puppy.
JESSE EISENBERG
Don’t overdo it.
WOODY HARRELSON
Why does this place still have electricity? And why doesn’t it reek of rotting meat and cheese?
JESSE EISENBERG
Apparently, the zombie apocalypse just happened last Tuesday without any significant looting or rioting.
WOODY HARRELSON
So people will riot over a Lakers game or an Elmo doll, but the end of the world generates about as much excitement as election day?
JESSE EISENBERG
Makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it?