Not signed in (Sign In)
  1.  (10956.1)
    LAST NIGHT.

    good:

    The fellow brought me to an art opening with silk screened works by folks who work for Titmouse, which was awesome in itself, but I also was forcibly introduced to Christopher McCulloch due to my whole red(ish) hair and eyepatch and wearing black thing, and we all talked about GI Joe and George Lucas.

    inbetween.

    A woman walking by me screamed "FUR is MURDER" and gave me the finger as she walked away. It was a fake fur coat.

    bad.

    We went to visit our friends bartending nearby. The bartender went to walk two blocks away to grab someone's car keys so he could borrow their car and bring supplies to a friend who'd been hit by a car a few weeks prior and was unable to leave his apartment. On the bartender's two block walk in HIPSTERVILLE he was jumped by two guys for no reason, punched and kicked and left without even robbing him. He was a mess, his eye swollen shut and bleeding. We took his dog out for a walk, and the dog lept up and knocked my camera out of my hand, totally busting the already janky lens. I'm going to Florida on Wednesday to shoot, and I have no financial means of replacing it at the moment

    inbetween.

    The bartender is insisting to pay for the lens, for which I feel kind of like an asshole, but I really do need it.
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeMar 2nd 2013 edited
     (10956.2)
    Upside: Nothing is pushing at me, nothing is dragging at me. I'm in equilibrium and it lets me get along with the rest of the world very nicely. I'm enjoying a lot of comforts. Finally getting around to updating myself on the Japanese dub of NARUTO (I'm about six months behind now). I've been listening to How to Destroy Angels' latest, WELCOME OBLIVION. Fuck, fuck, fuck it's good. It aches it's just so... Ach. Yes. I've gotten to see some good theatre that I didn't have to break my neck to make happen. I ordered APOLLO 13 from Netflix specifically to show my parents and they loved it. (Ron Howard + Tom Hanks + true events with a happy ending = family pleasing) Hit the gym twice and had an intense Suzuki session. Met Amanda fucking Palmer and watched her go nuts in her tiny hotel room and got a private performance of her TED talk three days before she performed it for the audience & cameras. She created a tiny, perfect message to my best friend whose birthday it was but was too under the weather to go with me.

    Downside: all of that up there? That's pretty much all I've done for the past seven days. AT ALL. I've done nothing else, really. Allowed myself to get back to a schedule of going to sleep after sunrise and no rousing myself until afternoon. When I fuck my day over like that it's entirely too easy to convince myself that there is nothing I can do with the rest of the time so I might as well lay around through evening and watch more cartoons or whatever into the wee hours.

    I used to hate so hard when days were wasted. There's so much out in the world to do, to touch, experience. Why laze about? Why indeed. Why am I doing this? I don't feel numb or depressed. I *had* the motivation...but it barely manifested a few weeks ago before I snuffed it out again. Why do I do this to myself? For fuck's sake it's like I wait till I see I actually have gotten a step or two toward a goal and then, just to spite myself, I go and flush it all away. FUCKING WHY.

    Oh and being lonely. God. Like any problem in my life could possibly be solved by hiding in bed... I just about want to brain myself to be relieved of not having someone *ahem* in bed with me.

    Beside: @oldhat - good for studying to be a fancy beer server, respect. Seriously.
    @icelandbob: holy shit your own club?!? fecking brilliant!
    @Mister Hex: happy un-birthday!
    @Darkest: I know your sense of Bad. Just being unproductive and being unable to affect change. Pisser. *raises a glass*
    @flecky: Well you know that means if you can make it, anyone can. };> Anyway, keep at it good sir.
    @Rachael: Ack for the continuous bad luck, but then again such amazing shit finds you! Travel safe to Florida, have a fabulous time and good art-making!
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2013 edited
     (10956.3)
    BOOO:

    My sister has a weird relationship with the family. My whole life she's been a source of criticism for everyone. Never a genuine compliment, always "well, it's okay, but it'd be better if..."

    "You'd be more popular if..."

    "It'd look better if..."

    And rules. Always rules that everyone but her has to follow.

    And scapegoating. Everything that went wrong in the house was my fault, always. Oh, the such-and-such is lost? I lost it, except I didn't - her boyfriend had put it away so it wouldn't get lost. But I lost it. That inferiority complex I mentioned in the mental illness thread? A result of my relationship with her. And I can never defend myself against her because she starts steamrolling me with yelling and screaming, telling me what an entitled brat I am. I can never do anything right, it doesn't matter how I do it.

    She emotionally abused me growing up. I honestly believed, growing up, that she didn't love me and would be happier if I died.

    In any case, this past weekend emotions came to a head and she started crying and screaming about how mom & dad always emotionally abused her, and that I just never see it and I don't know about it because I'm spoiled. She's 11 years older than me so my parents have always been a little more lax with me about house rules than with her. I get that that sucks, I do, but why does she have to take that out on me? Why?

    She claims my parents emotionally abused her, so that makes it okay for her to have emotionally abused me? Except according to her she's only ever been an angel to me. Even though I once locked myself in the bathroom bc I thought she was going to beat the shit out of me and my room didn't have a lock, which meant her barging in.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. Our relationship is toxic. I acknowledge and appreciate that there've been times when she really helped me out, but usually she's emotionally abusive to me and impossible to deal with. She's really intrusive in other peoples' lives, and when she attempts to do something nice it's usually some huge imposition on you you have to accept, and if you don't and aren't super grateful then you're the rude one. For example, for the wedding she booked a hotel room for me and Edgar at the hotel she works at, never bothered to ask if we wanted one, and even after I told her Edgar HATES hotels, we now have to stay the night there. It would have been a really nice gift if we were into that, but instead Edgar is spending his wedding night in an environment he hates.

    It's impossible to cut her off, but I just can't anymore.

    I don't need this shit a week before my wedding. I don't need the person who caused me to cut myself for the first time to tell me I have it easy and don't know what emotional abuse is like just because she's upset my parents were more strict with her than they were with me.

    I wish I could talk to her, I do, but I know if I try she'll start yelling and won't let me get a word in and will just say I'm a brat who doesn't get and am just not appreciating all the good she's ever done for me. Like the day she was crying, I just went to go give her a hug but she spent 10 minutes screaming at me instead. All I wanted to do was give her a hug.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I always feel guilty when I hate on her, but it's been on my mind multiple nights now and and I really don't need this the week of my wedding. I just don't know what to do, and feel like there's nothing to do.

    HUZZAH: Edgar's parents finally arrived safely from Poland after some hiccups and they're getting along splendidly with my parents. I am taking the time to appreciate our supportive relationship given my current thing with my sister.

    cookies:
    @Raz: (hugs) I have the same motivational problem. I really don't know why some days I just have no drive. So many dreams and ideas, but then no action.
    @Rachael: fuck that lady who flipped you off. Feeling like an asshole for accepting is totally understandable, but if you really have no way of replacing the parts yourself and he's offering, might be best to accept. Sometimes you have to. (hugs)
  2.  (10956.4)
    Squee:
    Bonus! When it hits my bank account come Friday, imma pay off a loan in full. That means I'll be able to afford paying back the various members of my family who've lent me money.

    Boo:
    So tired. Should be sleeping. Might be sleeping. Can people type in their sleep?

    S'up brah:
    @Argos: You are not responsible for your sister's happiness. This is your damn wedding. You only get a couple of these in your life (*cough* says the divorced guy *cough*).
    @Flecky: If my maths are correct, today's the day you're out of rehab. Best of luck with whatever comes next.
    @AndToAllAGoodNight!
    •  
      CommentAuthorsseloske
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2013
     (10956.5)
    The Good!

    -Vacation plans to go visit my parents across the country this summer are coming together beautifully. My kid is so excited that she may lay an egg.
    -The local theater has announced a showing of Suspiria soonish and my far away boyfriend is making a special trip to go with me.
    -Spring is lifting me out of a funk that has been...otherwordly levels of bleak. Seriously, I'm talking bone spires on the acid shores of rotting flesh hellishness. So long winter, you fucking nasty, eye-eating harpy.

    The Bad!

    -I have to pay the dentist soon.
    -Nooooo friiiiiiiends.
    -A million things I'd like to do, but no time to do any of them.
    -I still need to legally divorce, but it's something I dread so very, very much.

    The Gorgeous!

    @Whitechapel: Do you guys even know how amazing you are? Don't get smug. Okay, get a little smug. Whatever your personal struggles are (and I know they are many and varied... I have read them all), every single one have you has already won by virtue of being gobsmackingly, relentlessly rad.
    @Argos: Hang in there. My advice is not to get bullied into doing anything you don't want to on your wedding day. This seems like a very good time to put your foot down once and for all.
  3.  (10956.6)
    @Argos: My sister was/is like that. Perhaps not so extreme, especially these days when my contact with her is limited and she is taking her meds. That said, I had to do things to make it abundantly clear when we were living in the same house that makes my current situation work better. She certainly no longer tries things she would have back then. And by the way, your sister is totally emotionally abusive, and has no fucking excuse. And she's full of it - just because your parents were slightly more strict with her does not mean they emotionally abused her. My sister also complained about my parents being more strict with her, but she never went that far. Granted, my parents were more strict with her because she was more headstrong and more likely to do something stupid.

    But I learned how to cut off her influence, even when we were living in the same house. First off, I learned to be a cold hard bitch and say no. And stand by it. No matter what. Oh, and I said no to everything. At one point she even physically attacked me. Which is when my parents realized that I wasn't kidding about how crazy she was. If she tries to attack you, tell her you will call the police. (I did indeed tell my sister that. Her response was that she would call the police on me then. Granted, I have more self control, and she never tried to attack me again.) When she threw a fit, I ignored her. She threw lots of fits at the time. I ignored her existence very often. I didn't spend time with her unless I absolutely had to. Then, I didn't engage more than what was required for basic politeness. Any power she had over me, I took it away. She would say she was sorry and expect me to forgive her. When I explained that forgiving her was my choice and therefore couldn't just happen, she tried to pull the Christian must always forgive bullshit on me. I did not buy any of that. All of my Christian friends were appalled. Actually, that experience was one of the tipping points for me deciding that Christianity wasn't something I could do, even if I felt like it was something I was supposed to believe in.

    Oh, and seriously, you don't have to do the hotel room thing. She didn't ask if that was something you wanted. In fact it was something you didn't want. Why make yourself miserable for someone who has no problems hurting you? You don't have to feel guilty about being hurt by the way she treats you and then venting about it. She's being seriously shitty. You can cut her out. It'll be hard, but it will make your life so much easier. She may be your sister, but you don't owe her anything. I hope things get seriously better, and you get a reprieve, at least for your wedding/honeymoon.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2013
     (10956.7)
    @Argos
    Can't you just not go? I mean, I don't want to minimize what is obviously a seriously shitty situation, but if you just don't show up to the hotel, what could she even do about that? Just take your wedding night to do what you want with your husband. She's not going to be in the car with you as you drive away from the reception. Go where you and Edgar want to go. Don't worry if she throws a fit because she thinks you're being ungrateful or something. She'll live. Tell your mom about it or something, maybe, and get someone to back you up and have the argument for you so you can enjoy your special day. Possibly tell her that the argument can only happen after you've driven away. But don't start your honeymoon off being miserable because your sister wanted to be a bitch.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2013
     (10956.8)
    @Rachael: I'd thought you'd forgotten about me being in rehab. A few other folk on here said they'd get in touch with me, but I realize people have got busy lives.

    Thanks to the people who sent me mail when I came in - Britt, Roadscum, Nelzbub. Cheers for that.

    BAD HOUSES -

    I tried to get some extra funding for more time in rehab, but was given a knock-back this morning. It wasn't too crushing at the time, but I'm feeling it now. As much as it's been a severely fucked-up, love/hate thing, I'm really going to miss this place. I visited a "resettlement" house in Gloucester the other day, and I've decided to move in there tomorrow. It's basically a "dry house", which sounds to me like something from a fucking Victorian drama. It's pretty drab, but I guess I'll be able to spruce it up.

    Gloucester is a bit of a shite-sink, rife with users and drunks, but the good thing is I don't know any of them. Fuck it - I've lived in crap places before, and being ok is just a state of mind. I would rather be with some down-to-earth people than, say, the Chelsea posh sect. I seriously hate them lot at times; buncha fucks!

    So I've got to leave a council flat in London. I've lived in that city since '89, and I'm going to miss that bastard. But returning to Shepherd's Bush is just too dodgy for me. Apart from a few good folk, I've not got many good memories of that area. And long gone are the days of my Ladbroke Grove squat/raving/party shit.

    KEROSENE -

    As you may imagine, this is a massively turbulent time for me. But if I keep doing what I've been doing, I reckon I should be ok. I can also go and visit some mates in London in the future, so that's ok.

    I'm now six-months-clean, so clap, ya bastids!!!

    FISTS OF LOVE -

    @sellmeyoursoul: Thanks for that. It's nice to know people are behind me.

    @Argos: I wish you all the best with your wedding ahead.

    @Rachael: I hope your busted lens is getting sorted.

    I've got to split, see that's me done.

    END TRANSMISSION...
  4.  (10956.9)
    Flecky -

    Forgot?!? Pish. I just live in a bedroom the size of a closet with the hoarding tendencies of someone with much more space. I lose things.

    SIX MONTHS! Go Flecky! WHOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!

    That's just fab. Keep it going, my friend. Keep it going.
    •  
      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2013
     (10956.10)
    I'll put it this way:

    There are a whole helluvalot of total heroes on this forum. They all look up to Flecky. Ain't nobody killing the beast like you are, sir.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2013
     (10956.11)
    Ditto what Taphead said! Flecky, I never got around to sending out mail, but I've not forgotten you! Hugs to you, sir.

    @Everyone else- thanks for the support, I kinda needed it. Sometimes I feel weird complaining about it because bits can sound so First World Problem - I mean who complains about having someone get them a night at a nice hotel??? But the way she does things, sometimes i just can't deal anymore. I could go on and on about this but I'll stop here for the sake of not getting caught in a negative-thought loop where I try to over-explain everything.
    •  
      CommentAuthorPaprika
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2013
     (10956.12)
    Just jumping in quickly to tip my hat to Flecky.
  5.  (10956.13)
    @Argos - Fortunately, I think most of us here have been bullied and/or emotionally abused by someone, so you don't need to explain. We get it. Fancy hotels? Perhaps a first world problem. People in our lives who act like they own us and want us to shut the fuck up and do as we're told? Universal.

    @flecky - No lie. Everyone here always says "that Rachael, she has the hoarding tendencies of someone who lives in one of them posh Chelsea closets. You know, the kind with all them shoes in?" but she lives in a room the size of a proper closet for working folks. Honestly, I'm amazed that she fits as much as she does. I'd mention pocket dimensions but I know a lady doesn't discuss her worm holes in public.

    @ssseloske - The court part of the divorce sucks. But once it's done... the closure? BRILLIANT!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2013 edited
     (10956.14)
    Cheers, all.

    I've arrived at what they call Third Stage in the rehab game - a clinically cold place with a small room and a shared lounge. After living in a rehab village with a structured programme, surrounded by people all the time, I am now staring down the barrel of reality. And the silence is quite deafening.

    This shit won't kill me; it may make me stronger, though.

    I'll put the address up soon.
    •  
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeMar 8th 2013
     (10956.15)
    FLECKY!

    It's been said before but I'll say it again. Ya got friends, here, mate. GOOD FRIENDS, who care about ya, even though we ain't never met and probably never might. Nevermind that.

    You're already strong. And you'll only get stronger.

    If it gets too quiet, remember this.

    Yeah.

  6.  (10956.16)
    One of my aunts is half a continent away from any of her family, she has cancer and they just rushed her to the hospital.

    The next few days might be a little hard around here.
    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeMar 9th 2013
     (10956.17)
    I don't have the time or brainpower for a proper post, just want to say to Mr Flecky that if he has shit that needs shifting from The Bush to Gloucester, I have a little Citroën Berlingo for tiny stuff and could help with hiring a Transit or Cargo for bigger stuff. And I know where Gloucester is. I'm only about during the week though, no weekends.

    Good luck Mr Flecky, and the the rest of you too. Now, I must be off, there's a lorry to be moved and I can't see what I'm typing on this sodding phone. More later perhaps.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     (10956.18)
    @mister hex: Thank you. You never know; we may meet up on some tropical island, drinking strange exotic potions out of coconut shells served by nubile minions of some weird god. I live in a world of unrealistic hopes, so anything could happen.

    @roadscum: Ta matey. At this point in the space-time continuum I'm not too sure what I'm doing with my flat etc. in London, but I will let you know as the gears of time grind on.
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2013 edited
     (10956.19)
    The boo: there's been no rain for over a month and we have only 19 days of water left. After that we are officially in drought if there is no rain. Anyone know how to do a raindance?

    The Hurrah: apart from the water shortage life's pretty good!

    Message: can't think of anything except Happy Upcoming Easter!
  7.  (10956.20)
    Boo: Last night my stepdad scared meand the cops took him away.

    Huzzah:
    I called the crisis line and the cops. And they helped me and didn't hurt me or send me away. They took HIM away, and want to make sure I'm safe. I think mom wants to make it part of his bail that he can't be near me. I wasn't physically hurt but was very much shaken.

    Others:
    I dont know what to say. Hugs to all. Sorry you guys were scared last night. It WAS scary, and seemed to take forever for the cops to come.
    Flecky- I'm glad of your progress in rehab and everything. It's inspiring, and I think you're brave to do that and to try that new housing thing.(New places terrify me).

    Rach-
    Glad you've got more fancy expert doctors looking after you now and taking you serriously.