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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013 edited
     (10956.141)
    BAD.

    No time to myself for the past couple of weeks. Working too late and then getting home where the parents either constantly inquire about everything I do (really, I could go in to the kitchen and be asked what I'm doing) or I get barked at by my dad, who seems to be on an angry controlling streak. This week is a big week for music events and since it's part of my job, I'm going in crowded places and more or less being "on" all the time. And then I go home with enough time to just take my clothes off before passing out. And then I start the whole thing over again. Fucking whee.

    Going to call a crisis line in a bit. Last night my head was in a pretty rotten space and I identified with a scene in Lethal Weapon to a scary degree. Still can't get counselling, but the crisis lines have been helping when things get a little too unbearable. Watching Xena helped last night too.

    It was St. Patrick's Day 2009 when I attended and spoke at my little brother's funeral. So, yeah. THAT.

    Weight's not moving a damn pound.

    GOOD.

    Family is going to the cottage and giving me Easter weekend to myself, which will give me a long weekend to spend in bed or do whatever the hell I want.

    I'm back to running, which is good. I ran a full 5km for the first time in my life a few weeks ago. Glad I can take a 15-30 minute break from work to go do that.

    I did a photoshoot on Sunday, which was both fun and money-bringing.

    I dunno...saw Wreck-It Ralph and enjoyed it?

    I applied for a bartender position at a beer hall that's being built and even though I don't think I'll get it, I'm hoping I do.

    HUZAAH.

    @Faux, 50lbs in a year! AWESOME! Congrats!
    @Roo, Very glad that you're safe.
    @Sneak, jeez. I really hope things get better and that she finds a better way to deal with things.
  1.  (10956.142)
    GOOD:

    I spent last week in Tampa, a paid for visit so that I might photograph and help guard a performance artist. It was a lovely experience. My fellow did all sorts of crazy things to make sure I got a new lens in time for my trip, which was definitely a life saver.

    BAD:

    I woke from a dream in which I was being pressured to have contact with my mother, where I had to tear myself from step-family's grasp and my mother's pleading cries. Upon waking I felt the pain that is sleeping on an inflatible mattress on a cold tile floor with a fucked up spine and chronic body awfulness. I reached for my laptop to receive an email from my father, turning me down for my hope to be a paying tenant at his (three floor, eight bedroom) beach house. In this same email, my father also informed me that he'd heard from my mother, who called him in the hopes of getting him to talk me into speaking to her.

    This is all before I even got out of bed.

    Then I got out of bed, stepped on my speaker wire and did something to magically make one of my speakers not work. I saw the mail on the kitchen table and received another of those never ending collections notices for the thousands of dollars in old medical bills, and some new ones for a bit less. I took my new medication (the one that's supposed to indicate if I've got this rare thymus disorder or not) with a full glass of milk to keep from the hours of nausea that it induces, which only slightly worked. I ended up spending hours being slightly nauseated, but with my chest cold of phlegm fully reactivated. I need to take this medication three times a day. It is perpetual sour stomach.

    CAUTIOUSLY GOOD?:

    And then, late last night, taking off my eyepatch, I noticed that my 15 years of being cross-eyed (even after the eye muscle surgery ten years ago) seems instead to be .... slightly wall-eyed. This.... this is very likely a positive sign from the Mestinon I've been taking. If it IS, then....

    then I might have a fucking diagnosis.

    a fucking diagnosis that might have effective treatment.

    The effective treatment might be a thymectomy, which is a BADASS scar.


    (but they usually do it all endoscopic like these days)

    I've had false hope before, but... this is almost kinda concrete. Tomorrow i go in for a few hours of more FANCY tests.

    THE OTHERS:

    Roo - Thank goodness things seem to have calmed.

    Vorn - Dude, being on the whole "after rent and utilities I have $150 to live on each month and I still keep getting bills I have to ignore" lifestyle myself, I can definitely relate. But hurrah! Hooray for doing stuff anyway and having fun that's FREE and with people that you can enjoy it with and EGAD you are having an interesting life! AWESOME!

    JP - I hope your partner's father does well, and good on you for losing weight! That's a good sign! Shake the gloomies off! Booyah!
    •  
      CommentAuthorsneak046
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     (10956.143)
    Thanks for the goodwill messages, you is all good peoples.


    The good

    After a day in the emergency dept my gf got given the all-clear physically, and she seems a lot brighter now too. We've been advised to speak to the Patient Liaison Service about her current care requirements.

    Le mal.

    Tiredness, far too much work, a hangover from the weekend's misadventures has left me feeling like a bit of a zombie. Also, and this is a minor complaint, but this feels like a winter without end. I *really* need to feel the warmth of the sun.
  2.  (10956.144)
    The good:
    Steps to move to be closer to my son are moving forward, I have an awesome end of May adventure planned on the Motorcycle, I have found someone who may be a goodfantastic companion for the next handful of decades. (If I don't screw it up somehow.) (cue Ernie K Doe..)

    The Bad:
    My job is lurching toward untenable as my boss put me in charge of a project and workflow for that project, but refuses to stay out of production. It's become an integrity issue with his constant lack of presence except to interfere and make delays, making our department look like a bunch of fuck ups. He's lost my respect and while I can work for people I don't like I can't work for people I don't respect.

    The Shouts.
    @roo I hope you find a safe space, where you can concentrate on becoming who you need to be. I spent my high school years dealing with a bully step father and it did a number on me, and I still have the scars (physical and emotional) after thirty years. Fixing it sooner than later will only pay off down the road.

    @oldhat call the line, the fact that you feel like you need to means you should get on it now before you convince yourself you don't. I like having your input in the mass of stuff that comes through my life daily, it frequently makes me pause and think.

    @whitechapel Uncle Warren seems to attract good folks and you all make it worthwhile to be here. Thank you.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2013
     (10956.145)
    So yeah.

    Last night I ran in to my ex, a guy who cheated on me for all but four months of our nearly two year relationship. The initial betrayal, mixed with our mutual friends knowing about it and keeping quiet, led to something of a complete breakdown and left me with some pretty severe trust issues that I still struggle with.

    Now...I hadn't communicated with him in about two years, and not seen him for about four. In that time you can imagine that I had prepared some pretty nasty things to say and do to him if I ever did run in to him at some point. While I have been able to move on from it, I still get angry when I think about how anyone could willingly hurt someone they claim to love.

    But when I ran in to him I approached him and said hi. I was pleasant. We briefly caught up and awkwardly said goodbye and parted and that...was it. The one-liners, the hot coffee on the lap, the shit I wanted to say...I didn't. All forgotten. And I left him strong and didn't look back. Though when I was out of sight I ducked in to an alley and shook like a leaf and cried for a bit too.

    And then something pretty awesome happened. I quickly began to get over it. I was walking to an industry party and since it was an hour long walk I managed to compose myself and have a good think about myself, and how much I've changed, grown and...well just thought about how awesome my life is now and how thankful I am to have people who would take a bullet for me just because I'm well...me. By the time I got to the party (with an open bar) I felt better. I've changed a lot in that time and learned a lot. And that means something.
  3.  (10956.146)
    @old hat <3
    That's awesome.
    •  
      CommentAuthorsneak046
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2013
     (10956.147)
  4.  (10956.148)
    oldhat:

    Bitterness fucking eats you from inside out. I feel I came to adulthood seething of bitterness about this and that, and it's taken half a lifetime for me to get rid of it.

    The thing is, bitterness is a big problem for smart people. They weigh, ponder and have this nagging feeling that the scales should be somehow balanced.

    Myopia. The best revenge on anything is leading a good life. And dear ma'am, what I know of you, you're doing just that :)