Whitechapel - What's your Mental Illness?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T19:52:47-08:00

I guess this is an informal poll of what stuff we struggle with.

I have Depression, a very mild form of PTSD, and serious fatigue issues.

What about you?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T20:26:54-08:00

Depression, severe social anxiety, generalised everything anxiety and aspergers.

I'm the life of the party! :)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T20:36:05-08:00

Depression, not sure exactly what kind. It can get triggered by a variety of things, but still hits me even when there are no triggers. Sometimes it just gives me the blues, sometimes "OH GOD I'M SO WORTHLESS!" woes, and sometimes if it gets real bad (which luckily is rarely, like years apart) my perception gets all fucked up and I start thinking the world is against me. Not in a paranoid way, like I'll think people are purposely leaving me out of things but in actuality it was an honest mistake.

Inferiority complex, which either stems from or feeds into (or both) the depression. It got much better when I was in my late teens and I realized I could tell the world to fuck off, but occasionally it still creeps back.

Starting to think I'm developing mild anxiety. My mom has it. It might just be normal stress but I feel like I freak out more than I used to about things. But would anxiety manifest itself this late? I remember my depression kicking in before I was even 10, so I dunno.

Relatedly, depression an anxiety both run in my family, and I get the feeling my dad also has an inferiority complex. When my grandma visits he always gets all stressed and starts talking about how she always loved his sister more than him.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T21:09:46-08:00

Fun with social anxiety, depression, both of which seem to run in my family along with alcoholism. If it's a party, I'll be in the corner as I'm suspecting they may fill up fast.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T21:18:58-08:00

Depression, which grew out of some form of dysthymia. Got majorly exacerbated by my dad dying when I was 18. Had a bout of suicidal tendencies a number of years ago. Spent a week in a metal ward, all that jazz. I don't think I'm likely to return to that state, though. It's good to have a baseline where you can go "at least it isn't that bad". I tend to avoid hard labels around depression and the like because the experience is so subjective I have trouble trusting any sort of hard diagnosis. It's always hard to tell what's depression and what's just part of being human.

I've tried various medications, but dislike the effect they have on my brain. They have a very subtle but noticeable effect on my ability to think with speed and clarity. Also tried various therapists, but inevitably, well, this:

I have difficulty getting close to people. Never had a girlfriend, that sort of thing.

Also, if I'm being entirely honest, likely some minor form of alcoholism. The never-drunk-but-always-has-a-drink-handy kind. Not a problem, but I do keep an eye on it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T21:21:09-08:00

I haven't been to a shrink since 2004, but when I inquired, I got a kind of half assed diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder.

I get social anxiety easily (which is funny, because I run events and have to do networking events at least once a week, and just generally have to deal with people ALL THE TIME), get down on myself over the most ridiculous things (but I wouldn't call myself proper depressed as I can usually shake it after a few hours) and occasionally hallucinate in ways that has nothing to do with my drug consumption.

SPD is a weird classification in the DSM-IV because it fits into a lot of people who are just simply "odd" but the guy said I fit into it rather well and then prescribed me some anti-psychotics, so I guess he thought it was serious enough. I took it once and then never again cause it seemed like quite a bit of overkill. So I don't know if I trust the diagnosis and I really wish for things like this that it would be easy to just take a questionnaire and run a blood panel and get the results in 5-10 business days.

Also have been/still am an alcoholic, but so long as I'm never as bad as I was when I came to accept that fact, I'll still keep touching the stuff.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T22:00:43-08:00

Depression (undiagnosed, but only because I haven't gone in and made it official) and some somewhat mild PTSD (I'm sort of a magnet for emotional abuse and one event in particular...).

Have a social anxiety. Crowds and being crowded freaks me out and causes me to hyperventilate and take some time out (At NYCC I ended up punching one or two people out of panic). Don't like parties and being too much in demand socially makes me want to make excuses and hide. Best way to sum my social stuff up is the below comic.

Low self-esteem and pretty low on the self-worth. Partly due to the above stated emotional abuse. Big factor for me is appearance (surprise! I was picked on a lot for that!), but also this fear that I'm just a joke to people. Various reasons for not telling me about it (ALSO dealt with that stuff a lot).

The rest of it is here.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-26T23:32:39-08:00

I have ADD and social anxiety*, and spent a few weeks in a mental ward as a kid. It was never really made clear to me why, but to be fair I was a pretty miserable and neurotic pre-teen. The mental ward didn't help, though - making a really good friend is what fixed that, slowly over time.

I like my ADD personality** now that I've grown into it, and wouldn't trade it for anything, though starting on adderall has helped my work habits considerably without robbing me of the good stuff. It's the social anxiety that's the bitch. It comes with these intrusive thoughts that kind of grip me at random times to say that I'm an asshole, and here, have a sampler plate of failed social interaction memories to prove it.

*Which is an awesome combination, by the way. The sheer number of poor impulse control related social memories that my anxiety has available to harvest for intermittent shaming is spectacular.
**Though if anyone make one of those "look, a squirrel!" jokes, I will hire someone to piss on their front door.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T01:46:45-08:00

Undiagnosed, but closest term would probably by schizotypy, scoring high on the 'unusual experiences' and 'impulsive nonconformity' scales. Very glad not to have the flat affect & anhedonia - makes worshipping my Chaos Sex Gods that much easier.

Oh yeah, and some PTSD from childhood physical abuse (not familial).

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T02:03:52-08:00

Depression - although I've found that a good exercise program and meditation help round the edges off of that a little bit.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T03:23:17-08:00

Depression ( PTSD, maybe not really sure i'll explain in a moment ) OCD tendencies and lack of certain social skills ( hugely improved )

Depression, maybe PTSD, this is in large part going back to when i was 12, my father was murdered, the next five years are a blur, i was lied to about it and with the growth of the internet (and a sister that wanted me to know the truth) i was able to piece together more info, my dislike of the man creates tension with my mother, in Ireland people die and become instant saints, this event lead to me being very quiet, untrusting and non affectionate teen.

Raised by three women, i get along better with women, which has lead to me having a strong feminine side, which leads to people thinking i'm gay, school was also an odd one i wasn't bullied, my class was one that was two years combined of 120+ students that only 12 graduated from, which is a shocking statistic, and i beat those odd's as the only "goth/metalhead" kid, that the other students were told never to hassle ( by the teachers ) and the ones that knew my family history better where afraid to hassle me ( back to the father geting murdered and the funeral condolence book reading like a who's who of dublin's gangland ).

My life was aimless, i wanted to do art, took a while but i got qualified in what i wanted to do, a few relationships along the way intimate and plutonic have helped me deal with things in my own way, i'm not fixed, doubt i ever will be, but at present i have a job i enjoy and i'm in a very happy long term relationship, my current mental state is good and will hopefully continue to improve.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T10:00:19-08:00

Depression and OCD

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T11:35:15-08:00

Maybe a touch of the Asperger's.

Maybe a touch of the OCD:

Just a touch.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T11:50:34-08:00

It's a lovely mix of generalized anxiety, agitated depression and ADD for me. (ADD bros fistbump with @rough night)

I've never been on any form of regular medication, but I have used it to chill out during some bad and scary anxiety attacks. I'm actually considering some sort of regular medication for one or more of the above issues, but to be honest, I'm scared of it. I think it's mostly irrational, but the lists of side effects give me the heebie jeebies. At this point, I suspect that taking some sort of medicine for one or more of my issues would actually improve my life, but ...

Has anyone here had this issue? What helped you get past it?

I mostly manage my anxiety and depression with exercise and just being aware of it these days, but I have bad bouts from time to time. Currently battling through some gnarly (excuse my 80s SoCal roots) anxiety today. I feel like everyone knows what a fraud I am at work and are ready to kick me to the curb. Whee.

@vandlehandle - I was mostly raised by women too. I only recently considered the effect it's had on me. I've had very few close male friends and the close friendships I have with women have caused strife in my relationships.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T11:50:49-08:00

@ StefanJ - that pen isn't lining up with the edge of that paper. can you fix that please?

@ chiaslut - I've been on the meds before and I didn't like it. I'm not anxious or depressed on them, I'm just kind of flat and feel nothing. I can't make art on them. I just changed my diet and work out at least 8 hours a week at the gym instead.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T11:55:38-08:00

Aspergers Syndrome. Not really much to say about it really, but if you ever wanted to know why I'm not so hot a communicating or interacting on here now you know.

The positive is now that I've been on this planet for 25 years I no longer feel like the world and understanding is on the other side of a plate of glass. I think a writer or somebody said "right next to you but a dimension away."

Had the jarring and terrifying experience of my first exposure to hate speech a few days ago:

As a white male it was quite a thing for me to find out. Even though it wasn't directed at me personally the fact that people who I've never met would see me dead for having a different perspective. I was- still am incandescent with RAGE.

Fortunately I have understanding friends and family and some great and infinitely patient teachers.

But for all the progress I've made it just makes my sometimes failures that much more frustrating.

That was a bit self indulgent of me.

Thanks for putting up with me Whitechapel

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T13:35:53-08:00

Recurrent depressive disorder...
Although, less recurrent of late, now I'm learning to keep the Bastard thing in its box.It's taken me 25 years though.
..

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T14:40:21-08:00

Dysthemia - mild depression, sometimes gets full blown, I count three bouts of near-suicidal feelings. Anhedonia - difficulty feeling good about things, a blankness, mehness. Rarely get excited or motivated no matter how much I'm sure I want something, it's extremely difficult to get up the motivation. I don't know what it's like to have a feeling of ambition, only the thought of it. When something good comes along it feels about as exciting as a red light finally turning green. (Oh but when a bad thing comes along, the screeching, grinding, hating FURY... oh my.) And when I do achieve something I find everything around it that's wrong, or I just want to shrug and walk away. IT took *Ages* to learn how to take a compliment, but I still rarely feel complimented.

Suicidal ideation. Comes along when I'm stressed. Or just running around getting things done. Or feel like I made a mistake in front of others. Or... Anyway. I think I daydream about being hurt horribly or killed about as much as I day dream about getting my freak on. I think I turn to these because I can feel something then. I hate feeling numb, which also comes from stress, but the only way to pull out of it seems to be to indulge dark feelings.

Social anxiety/exhaustion. I really want to be a happy person. Hell, I really want to be extroverted. My jam is out in theatre, among actors, in sound studios. And being all internal just doesn't work. Being negative kills everything dead. I see the positive people become charming and charming people get freaking everything. But I have to gear myself up to be out in that world and that takes extra energy. This is especially true when I'm headed somewhere I've never been before, among people I've never met before and then every ounce of energy goes into fighting the tension and the silence that settles on my tongue. I just can't dive in without knowing the lay of the land and that just kills me in an area of life that pretty much demands spontaneity. So when I fail, when I expend all of my energy and it still isn't enough, I revert to incredibly internal and hateful for being expected to come out and play still more. This fucking kills me in classes... when I don't want to play anymore but I have to keep going anyway I get super rebellious about doing the stuff I signed up to do. It freaks me out - what if I manage to get an acting gig but after a few days the anxiety kicks in and it's all I can do to keep from screaming "no!" at the director??

I almost wish I had a touch of the megalomania, driving, relentless ambition. Anything to get me off my ass. I'm only good at wasting days.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T14:41:09-08:00

@chiaslut - my mom's done well with managing her anxiety by taking her medication. She says it saved her life at one point. I know my partner's dad has a type of depression that just gets worse and worse until the person eventually commits suicide, so he actually had to take meds just for the sake of correcting the chemical imbalance in his brain so he wouldn't go and off himself at some point.

So, i guess for them the getting passed the issue of taking regular meds was that their life was on the line, so, I can't really help with that bit, but I do know that my mom has been generally okay with hers and prefers to be on them. Otherwise she's just balls of anxiety attacks.

@razrangel - while I do get feelings of excitement, I definitely know that feeling of lack of ambition. I get neat ideas and things but then never actually carry anything out.

Also the suicidal idealization. I've never *seriously* thought of committing suicide, but the times I've fantasized about dying in different ways are countless and has been going on for as long as I can remember. ugh.

@Darkest - sorry you had to see those kinds of things. Not much is worse than knowing people who don't even know you with you harm for something you have no control over. Been there, it blows.

HUGS TO ALL.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T14:47:40-08:00

@chiaslut (fistbump - go team) Medication thoughts:

Anxiety - I had a while, a couple years ago, where I was having panic attacks on a pretty regular basis. I gave up stimulants of every kind for a while (mostly caffeine) and between that, doing cardio exercise most days, getting a small Rx for Buspar, and learning some breathing exercises, I beat it. I'm still a jittery bastard in general, so haven't stopped taking Buspar, but did start drinking caffeine again after about a year of all that.

ADD - There are several schools of ADD medication right now, and not all of them are stimulants, so there are more options than public perception suggests. Adderall is a stimulant, though, and that's what I take (so I had to give up caffeine again on days I take it. sigh). Aside from a rise in my blood pressure, and a little chest tightness that got fixed by taking a little more Buspar timed along with my Adderall doses, the bad side effects have been minimal. One good side effect is that my mood is up. I had a pretty rough patch late last year, and starting on Adderall was unexpectedly helpful there.

There are a pile of side effects listed for every medication, but you can't pay that stuff too much mind. It'll just freak you out (especially us anxious types) and potentially give you placebo side effects if you do give the brain pills a try. Everyone experiences this kind of medication differently, and you can only see for yourself what side effect bonus package you win. You can always stop taking it, if it sucks.

Oh, and the grapefruit thing - that's actually serious business. Don't eat grapefruit if you start taking meds that tell you not to. It has some weird chemical that vastly increases the potency of many medications.

edit: Sorry for the late edit. Just fixed a clarity thing.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T15:09:19-08:00

Epilepsy.

Everything else a byproduct.

I admire each of you for sharing.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T16:07:41-08:00

ADHD (if you believe it exists) and introversion and social anxiety. Nothing to add that wasn't said before.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T16:54:54-08:00

I am harboring Asperger's,(though they don't diagnose it anymore, now we have "Autism spectrum disorder") and it socially crippled me until I started playing in a band when I was a teenager. All of the sudden, I'm having girls talk to me, people started praising me, and discovered that the image I had of myself wasn't what other people saw.
But the social anxiety has now extended to the interwebs, which is the reason I don't post here as much as I did a few years ago. My facebook is barren, my twitter is almost non-existent, and I go through existential hell when I want to start an account somewhere online. I'm really an outgoing person in the real world but the internet cripples me when I want to interact. This only developed in the past few years, though (strange I know). So, at this point, I'm the quintessential lurker.I feel so stupid, especially in front of this menagerie of genius and talent, and terrified that my grammar or wit will make me the dunce in the forum.

...and you have no idea how posting this is driving my anxiety through the roof.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T17:17:46-08:00

Out of curiosity, and not to hijack the thread, but...

What are you folks doing to manage things? For those taking meds, how are they treating you? Which meds are working for you?

For those note on meds, what are you doing to help yourself?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T17:43:42-08:00

ADHD (if you believe it exists) and...

Oh. Wait.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T17:49:18-08:00

@ oldhat - for me, I preferred a lifestyle change over the meds. lots of exercise, limited consumption of alcohol, refined sugars, refined flour, aspartame, and caffeine. also varying my activities and try new things. it works most of the time.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T17:49:21-08:00

I've been on Lexapro for years for the depression and anxiety. It works, in so much that I can cope with day to day life, but it does leave me feeling kind of washed out, passive and blunted. It also killed my ability to write.

About a year ago I decided to halve my dosage. It's been going OK so far - I'm actually feeling things much more than I used to (which is a bit of a mixed blessing, but better than being an emotional zombie). I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back to writing when I have the time (or I'll discover the motivation to make the time).

My plan at the moment is to get over the bronchitis that's been plaguing me for the last few months, get onto CPAP for my sleep apnea, then use the extra energy from getting some proper sleep to start exercising regularly.

Oh and @Darkest - don't let the nutcases get you down. There are people out there who would like to kill everyone on this board. The problem is with them, not with us.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T18:27:22-08:00

@ Purple Wyrm - yeah Lexapro was one of the things I was on. I can't paint on it at all. I don't feel drepressed or anxious, but then again I don't feel much of anything when I'm on it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T18:36:11-08:00

@William Joseph Dunn

Yeah, it puts you in a nice, stable, emotional fog. Which is great if you're too depressed to function as a human being, but not so great otherwise.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T19:22:38-08:00

Wow, that's quite a lot of responses! I should probably do a more detail version of my mental issues and get into what I do to manage them, but it'll have to wait as I've got work in the morning tomorrow. I actually just started a new medication (a stimulant), and I've been on it for two days, and I've gotten so much stuff done, it's really surreal. Ok, really must go. Looking forward to coming back to this though.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T19:34:39-08:00

@Lexaprofolks, that may have been my problem with Lexapro to begin with. I was on a low dose (10mg), and it probably (it's hard to tell) helped with the general anxieties and crippling self-hatred. I didn't like taking it but I'm not sure if that was because I didn't like the effect the meds had or because I resented having to take them. I just felt pretty ambivalent about its effect, but using it did coincide with getting out of a major depressive episode. But I started on Wellbutrin, and that stuff turned me into a goddamn basket case. I also got really REALLY bad tremors from it. My hands would shake uncontrollably.

I've had a difficult time figuring out whether I really even ought to be writing here, in this thread.

I don't usually feel like I rank because I'm decently high functioning, comparatively speaking. I've been treated for major depressive disorder, and I'm back in therapy because I think my general depressive tendencies are getting in my way again. Call it dysthymia or whatever, I dunno. All I know is that I go through extreme periods of inertia, anhedonia (I'm not using this clinically), social anxiety, general anxiety, whatever.

All I know is that I pretty frequently hate myself, and am angry, stressed, and anxious. Exercise can mitigate the effects of this, different forms of art can sometimes help, but usually I need someone to get me out of my own head. Otherwise I fixate and end up stuck on the couch forever, doing nothing worthwhile because I'm so interested in distracting myself from my own thoughts. That said, I tend to get pretty inert, which means I'm basically shooting myself in the foot whenever I sad because when I get sad I don't do anything but if I don't do anything I get more sad.

I guess that's all for now?

@Clarkthehomonculous, come back soon, k? We like your type, and we try pretty hard to be a welcoming crowd.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T19:47:13-08:00

Asperger's. I was diagnosed in 2002, but don't generally discuss it any more since AS has become the trendy disorder of the decade.

Contrary to what the TV show The Big Bang Theory would have everyone believe, AS does not make people witty, charming, good looking or super-intelligent. It generally condemns sufferers to a shitty childhood of ostracism and bullying, and often a lonely adulthood for those who are unable to develop enough social skills to make friends and meet potential romantic partners. People with AS are often extremely immature for their age, and behave like adolescents well into their 20's and sometimes beyond.

I've found moderate amounts of cannabis to be the most effective treatment for social awkwardness, since THC and cannabinoids tend to break down my subconscious filters and confer a level of social awareness that's usually lacking. Overdosing can be pretty awful though, because it kicks my natural paranoia into overdrive (synthetic weed is the worst of all, and actually sent me into temporary psychosis when I tried it last year). Learning karate initially proved useful in dealing with bullies (most satisfying moment of my entire life was making a bully scream "Stop! Stop!" in front of all his mates, as I sat on his back smashing his face into the pavement), but it also gave me better co-ordination so I wasn't always lurching around like a spastic zombie.

AS has made me a successful artist, because the obsessive traits have made me love elaborate fine detail, and it's fairly common for me to spend hundreds of hours on a single painting, working with a tiny brush.

Best of all, as those of you who have met me can attest, I am married to a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, gracious and patient. Good things can come to the person with AS.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:02:24-08:00

@dorkmuffin Thanks! I will! It really helps that you say that because I've been contemplating editing my post in some way because my scumbag brain thinks I sound whiny or the like.

It's funny, I'm here everyday, yet, my inferiority complex keeps me from completely indulging in the wonderfulness of this community. I do attempt to post from time to time, but end up never hitting that Add your comments button because I convince myself, every time, that I've produced nothing but drivel.

@Greasemonkey Yes, even the medical community has admitted to spamming the Asperger's button on many patients, hence the reason they now diagnose it as ASD. Both of my sons have been diagnosed as well, and I wonder if it's just a lazy/trendy diagnosis assigned to my boys.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:15:25-08:00

@Clark, that's not so uncommon as you might think. I continuously second-guess myself.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:21:56-08:00

@Clarkthehomonculous You did everything just fine with that post. Don't let the anxiety beat you up. :)

As for me, I've never been diagnosed with anything. I've never gone to therapy. I deal with things by talking to family and friends and by making art about it. Religion also helps a lot for me. Back in October I stood in the kitchen with a knife to my chest for a bit and only put it down because I knew it was too dull and would only get through my (favorite) shirt at best, but I'm doing much much better now. I've had a few of those times, mostly in my teenage years, but also quite a bit during the summertime after leaving for college when I had to live with my parents.

I also probably have some mild Trichotillomania. I am almost constantly picking at my face, hair, eyelashes, hands, and nose. I've been late to classes and things before because I get into a sort of grooming mode and try to rid myself of all the curly hairs on my head, or I get into trimming some other hair. I drive my sister crazy because all I do in church is find the short prickly hairs on the back of my hands and pull them out. It's a good thing that I look nice with short hair, because if I can see a split end I tend to lose the next couple of hours finding more of them and getting rid of them. I have stopped writing this paragraph 4 times to pick at a cluster of zits on my chin even though I know they would be gone so much faster if I didn't do that.

My oldest brother has serious psychosis, though, which has been misdiagnosed as early onset dementia and schizophrenia (assuming the current diagnosis is right). So I have a hard time saying I have mental issues because I always compare myself to him.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:30:18-08:00

Dork, you summed up almost exactly what I experience when I get depressed in that last paragraph.

@Clark - don't be afraid to hit that comment button! I do know the feeling though. I hang out on these boards but I don't write, paint, draw, take photographs... I love art, but I just don't create it, usually because i feel that everything I make is crap and I am incapable of ever improving. But these people here are wonderful people and they will love you and appreciate you for hanging out and being part of the group.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:40:21-08:00

I'll third or fourth the comments to Clark. Come and hang.

We're all bozos on this bus.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T20:54:41-08:00

I really admire all of you and your candor.

I have something that I thought was chronic depression and anxiety, but I'm pretty sure I have schzoid personality disorder. Or something. Whatever it is, it's hard.

Thanks for starting this thread. I lurk Whitechapel all the time. I like you guys.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T21:37:50-08:00

Clark and sseloske - never think that every post someone makes here is important, smart, or special. At the end of the day, we're all just dorks on the internet. Personally, I think that's sort of beautiful. So, allow me to add my welcome.

I'm not diagnosed with anything myself, but almost all of my friends either are, or very strongly suspect they may have something. A very good friend lived all his life that I knew him with what I know cannot believe wasn't depression, and in the end it killed him. My best friend in the whole world suffers from acute anxiety and depression, and it's made whole years of her life into a living hell. The point I'd like to make, though, is that she's still my best friend, and that no type of mental illness that any of my other friends have keep them from being the people I go to for advice, help, or just to say "hey, look at this stupid thing I found on the internet today." I've met a couple of you who've posted in this thread, and I can attest to you being wonderful people that I'm glad to count as friends.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-27T23:31:46-08:00

@Clark - I know that feels, but the people here have never been less than nice to this particular Aspie.

@Greasemonkey - It generally condemns sufferers to a shitty childhood of ostracism and bullying, and often a lonely adulthood for those who are unable to develop enough social skills to make friends and meet potential romantic partners. People with AS are often extremely immature for their age, and behave like adolescents well into their 20's and sometimes beyond..

Sing it brother! I was lucky enough to go to a school where bullying was pretty limited, and to find a bunch of other geeks to hang around with for mutual defence, but it was still no picnic. These days as I'm getting perilously close to 40 (Shit! When did that happen!?) my social circle is pretty much limited to the remnants of that same group, with one or two other people I've managed to accrete over the years. As for romance, sheeze, I'm depressed enough today without going down that road.

On the plus side, what other might view as immaturity, I view as still being prepared to have fun :)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T01:44:29-08:00

Wow this thing really got us all up and out... So glad. So glad we're coming together and so glad we're identifying...

@Argos - what you said about getting excited about something but never finishing, spot on. I know I talk up all kinds of projects and friends just have learned better than to nod and smile politely. I'm all talk. I like my ideas. I just never manage to get motivated over executing them.

@Clark, what everyone said. You're totally welcome to say what you have to say and express yourself. Given the things we (well, at least I) put up here, it would be hypocritical to judge you for simply adding your thoughts and feelings. Nothing you've said has even been that outside the bounds.

As for coping strategies... I've watched friends be on antidepressants since college and they kinda scare me. Because it's fundamentally altering neurochemistry at the same time that there is no promise that brain chemistry can go wrong. So the idea that a prescription can change before a doctor can catch it and in the mean time I'm left spiraling scares the fuck out of me. PLus I really am trying to avoid getting stuck on a pill diet for the rest of my life for as long as I can help it. I know it's inevitable, but I'd like to keep it off for at least another forty or fifty years.

So... sometimes it's just bearing it. Just lying in bed and sucking it up. That's not coping really at all. But it's less indulgent than just running with the self destruction which I do on rare occasions - drinking, smoking, sometimes illegal drugs and sometimes (more rarely simply due to access) meaningless sex. Sometimes when a jag gets bad I dive right in, go hide in my room away from sharp things and just have it out with myself. I DON'T RECOMMEND THIS FOR ANYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF. I'm just good at bad habits.

I can get very intellectual about it. It's actually a little calming to sit back and think about brain chemistry and what is connected to what and how it comes together. I almost forcibly take my mind off judgment and onto an intellectual pursuit, notably away from the subject of me. Another way to put that, I stop telling myself what I shouldn't do and put effort into doing something else. Sometimes exercise helps, often talking to a friend helps (if one is available), listening to loud music and dancing up a storm, other forms of catharsis.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T02:02:45-08:00

Was on Lexapro for a brief period, and I really didn't care for how it made me felt. But then, my depression has always been a bit milder than some folks, so I could manage to ride out the rough spots without total crippling everything.

At this point exercise (4-6 miles per day on an elliptical plus semi-regular yoga), 30 minutes per day of meditation, and removing myself from a toxic career path seem to smooth out the rough spots. I think meditation is one of the key elements there, as I can fill in the variance between swings of really happy and really depressed and keep things on a more even keel. With that, I'll still have my wiggles into some crappy places...but now they may take just a couple of days to work out rather than losing months to it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T03:19:14-08:00

to manage things i moved out of my mothers house, did the final year of my degree in another country, which was just me in a small room animating, there's pictures of me hugging traffic cones, only looking back can i see i was going a bit mad, moved back home after finishing and then my girlfriend helped provide the kick in the ass i needed, i keep very busy, with work, a bunch of freelance jobs and the seed of starting my own company, which has started to grow with others on board so i have the motivation to see it through.

Overall i think i've dealt with my past and the monolith of that death is just a grave i never visit, and doing instead of talking is helping and proving a fun experience.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T04:37:14-08:00

Hello all you brave, wonderful people. Especially you lurkers.

I remember having clinical depression in my teens and the black, black moods that came with it and I am not in that place. I have however, for longer than I can remember, felt kind of ambivalent about being alive at all. I don't know how normal that is, but I've come to accept it as personal fact along with the non-stop tiredness that comes with chronic fatigue syndrome or whatever the fuck they're calling it now. I've been bloody knackered non-stop for over a decade now. Whatever.

What I have recently concluded is that I think maybe I'm depressed now; have been for over a year and haven't realised because I'm not sad. I'm deeply apathetic, nihilistic, have terrible deep seated self esteem issues and social anxiety to the point where if I wasn't married and therefore forced to socialise occasionally I would be living like a hermit in a room stacked with full ash trays, books and empty teacups. I've been feeling off for a really long time, and have anxiously complained about it on here a few times, although never actually admitted to it to another fleshy human being type that I know in the real world.

I played the depression game on the Around the Net thread and I felt like it was describing my life and so I stopped. Am I supposed to be doing something about this? I mean I'm not actually tempted to off myself and the idea of talking to a harassed and disinterested medical professional seems like a waste of everyones time. Maybe it'll just go away if I wait it out.

Anti-depressants are old news to me, I feel like I've tried them all and as much as they served an important purpose at the time, I have no interest in going back there. Has anyone tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T04:47:11-08:00

Dunno how common or not my experience is but I'm still on a bit of a magical psychiatrical pharmacological mystery tour.

GP to Shrink #1 for depression and social phobia assessment & diagnosis (outcome: Prozac Rx from GP). Shrink #1 to Shrink #2 for Asperger’s (outcome: on-going shrink visits (theoretically)). Shrink #2 to Shrink #3 about ADD (outcome: Concerta XL Rx). Shrinks #2 & #3 to Shrink #4 for anxiety (outcome: Propanalol Rx from my GP).

All this is over a 4 year period or so and 'Shrink #2' (Asperger’s) includes a two-year wait before seeing anybody about it and, since then, 4 different psychiatrists because they've all proceeded to bugger off to new jobs after a few sessions; the most recent one leaving before our first appointment took place. So definitely a sense of limbo/banging-head-against-wall regarding that, all because there are next to no specialists in the UK who deal with adult Asperger’s (or ADD). I'm 44, btw.

Despite the potentially personality-shifting qualities of Asperger’s, ADD is my biggest problem as it undermines my ability to approach/consider/deal with anything else, medical or otherwise. It was my first Asperger’s shrink who recommended I get checked for ADD because a) there's a high co-morbidity rate between Asperger’s and ADD, and b) I kept losing track of where we were up to during our sessions.) Not that evidence is really needed but I started a post to this thread yesterday but got distracted by something I can't even remember. And it's not only the stereotypical "ooh, shiny thing!" external stimuli which does it - it's just as, if not more likely for some random thing in my head to drag me off course. The metaphor I use with whichever shrink-of-the-week I'm seeing involves a shaken snowglobe to represent my brain and each little fleck of white swirling around inside is a thought or idea, and no matter how much I try to concentrate, it's impossible to stay focussed on whichever single thought-speck I want or need to because it gets swallowed and obscured by all the others.

I've been on the max daily dose of Concerta XL for getting on for 2 years now and while it's helped in a couple of ways - I tend not to forget what I'm saying mid-sentence quite so much anymore - I'm still Mr Distractible and a case study in futility when it comes to finishing anything I start. And my luck with the psychiatric profession continued when the one I'd been seeing for ADD vanished, with no word as to why, only to resurface a year later expecting to resume treatment as if nothing had happened. Cue a fight with my Primary Care Trust (the local section of the NHS) over not going back to see The Amazing Dr Disappearo along with a rejected-appealed-accepted funding application to see someone at the Asperger’s clinic I go to in Sheffield. Anyroadup, I have two appointments scheduled for April, new career opportunities permitting, so, hopefully, we'll finally start making some headway there.

Oh yeah, I'm still waiting to hear about an appointment for the anxiety.

And if all this wasn't boring enough, last month I was diagnosed with Peyronie's Disease (trust me, you don't want to look it up if you're at work) which, physically, doesn't usually require any treatment, except surgery in the most severe instances, other than...have you guessed yet? Yeah, psychiatric counselling because "It is not uncommon for men afflicted with Peyronie's Disease to exhibit depression."

Then again, maybe there's something to be said for all our "issues" if it means WC is unfailingly welcoming, friendly, helpful, entertaining, understanding, non-judgemental and supportive DESPITE BEING ON THE INTERNET. Yeah, there's the ever-present threat of Maggot Assured Destruction but, for the most part, Señor Si keeps them for his own personal jollies.

</sentimental belch>

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T07:03:08-08:00

@Manglr, the toxic career path is definitely contributing to my shit-awful mood these days.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T07:54:55-08:00

first: all of you people need to be flooded with respect and admiration for being so outrageously candid and courageous.

then: this is the fourth time i've started typing into the comments section. wasn't sure if i wanted to share or not. finally decided not to.
felt, however, that i absolutely need to tell you that this is amazing and i'm awestruck. thank you.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T08:31:23-08:00

come play werwolf!!

As for treating my depression, going to echo what others have said about exercise, meditation, and diet. There have been days where I've found myself in an absolutely foul mood but after an hour of my spinning class I feel vibrant and excited for the world. Yoga is my form of meditation, the combination of focusing on the poses as well as doing corpse pose at the end. Though lately I haven't been exercising because I was losing weight and I didn't want to lose anymore for fear of my wedding dress being to big, and as a result I've noticed myself being more lethargic than I was early-mid last year. I gotta get on that again soon.

When my depression got so bad it affected my educational career I went and sought help. Went to one of the doctors on my campus as well as going to the on campus therapy. The doctor is the one who told me to eat better, reduce my sugar, and exercise. He said I could go on meds *if I wanted to,* which was awesome of him to give me that option. I think part of that though was that when I went in was when I was already starting to recover and think lucidly again, so I was almost too normal seeming at my sessions. The therapist was nice and seemed to genuinely care about helping me and listening to me, but other than being a nice man nothing really came out of that. I went a couple times, had to cancel a session because he left town for a couple weeks, and then I never got around to scheduling more.

I think seeking help would have been more helpful if I had done it when my life was being affected, rather than when I started to feel better. There were so many times I attempted or started to reach out to my professors to explain what was going on with my life, and in the end i kinda just went "eh fuck it" and failed a bunch of classes.

I'm hoping that that experience will mean that if I ever find myself getting that bad again, I'll know to get help when I need it. We'll see.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T09:04:51-08:00

The way I deal with the 'sperg is to try and make myself do things that are connected to stuff I do already to spread my comfort zone to give my self the right context for the next time, the first time is the hardest. Work helps with the dealing with people since I'm dealing with them in a place of my choosing.

Also and this probably goes for a lot of other stuff as well. Don't succumb to the urge to hide and not interact with people. Even now I find myself all too often in unhappy solitude and neglecting my social connections.

Also giving yourself permission to fail and then learn from it.

Clawing my way back on to the diet and exercise wagon after falling off of it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T09:10:05-08:00

Yeah folks, never be afraid of posting stuff on here. We like you. :)

Agreed about the exercise and food habits and stuff that a lot of people mentioned here.

It's been kind of odd for me. In the past when I hit a particular depressive episode that would cause me to cling more to people (almost to the point where it would seem manic), in an attempt to reach out and do something to take my mind off of it.

But the more recent one has been different. Days have been going by where I feel like I'm in this bubble that shields all emotions except sadness. Or that I'm caught in this kind of dim fog. I've been more withdrawn lately and responding to people is a bit hard. Plus there have been the usual stuff. I can't really like myself when I look in a mirror and see a tetsuo-like blob or if I don't see progress going on in my life (living with my parents and maintaining an underpaid fulltime job is kind of a failure in my books).

So dealing with a new type of beast has got me doing the whole trial and error thing. Burying myself in work helps because I forget about things. Working out helps because of the endorphin rush at the end and the physical exhaustion helps me sleep. And friends are realizing that I need to be coaxed out of my house nowadays so I can get out of my shell and that's helping. I'm also reading, watching stuff on netflix to unwind and writing in a journal.

Counselling has helped me loads before, even when I didn't need it. For me being able to just vent to someone who doesn't know me but wants to listen every two weeks is amazing and just gets shit out there. But it doesn't look like I'll be able to do that this time so I'm sticking to my own methods.

And it's working. I'm much better than I was in October. Still have a lot of ways to go, but, as is my motto pretty much the past couple of months, "bit by bit".

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T09:25:19-08:00

So, as someone who types and erases about as often as I post, I'd just like to say, to those who worry about posting, that this forum has been universally accepting and kind. Many of us give off a certain bluster of surliness, but when it comes right down to it, the folks here are a friendly and welcoming bunch, with a great respect for honesty.

I went on a bit of a rampage of erasing my internet presence a few years back, but attacking my Whitechapel presence sent that screeching to a halt. I got as far as erasing my real name from an old post and from my profile when one of Warren's filthy assistants promptly put it back and said, roughly, "Stop that." It made me deal with my shit instead of hermiting into an antisocial hole. Anyway, it's made me pretty grateful to this community, that it quietly blocked an incipient social freak-out.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T11:13:41-08:00

It saddens me to hear that so many of you suffer from depression. You guys are awesome! If anyone should be depressed, it should be those losers on other boards.

My depression lessened the day I decided to cut abusive people out of my life. It took years for me to understand I had been drawing their abuse upon me because I thought so little of myself.

The crying jags, the self-loathing, the lashing out at people... All lessened more and more over several years until one day it stopped altogether. I did pay a price, however. My empathy for other people and their pain went away altogether as well. It occurred to me at some point that I've never been a nice person. My depression came from the fact that I was still trying to be.

That's key. You have to stop worrying about your own failures as a person. The fact that you even care proves you're one of the good ones. Dry the eyes, pour yourself a drink, and stop caring about what you yourself think. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS.

I am happy. I make a LOT more money now too. Make of that what you will.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T11:40:27-08:00

@longtimelurker YES. Years ago my quality of life improved greatly by cutting out all the useless and abusive people out of my life. It took ages to realize that was a good thing and it was so worth it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T12:56:49-08:00

@dorkmuffin - Easy said than done I suppose, but figure out what your exit plan is and move on. A bad relationship is a bad relationship even if they're paying you.

In my case, I went through 4 companies in 10 years in the same industry. During that time I had 8 different bosses, and saw three of those four companies into the ground through mergers, divestitures, bankruptcies, etc. In choosing to walk away from that, I dropped 100 pounds, got in shape, and got my depression in a much more manageable position. At the same time, I started to work for myself by focusing on my photography as a thing rather than finding another corporate gig. Granted, the pay is awful, and hours suck...but its my ball now.

Also granted, I'm lucky to have a loving wife who is incredibly supportive of this endeavor. But that's in part because she so damn happy that I'm not sighing in deep sadness as my first act upon waking up every morning.

That stopped the first day that I walked away from the toxic but well paying career.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T13:13:54-08:00

The whole argument of psychological disorders being environmental vs chemical is one of the reasons why I stayed away from medications. I grew up watching a lot of my friends put on pills for issues that I thought were really based more on the facts that we had very few friends or shitty home lifes or whatever. This prejudice as well as self righteousness that I obviously knew better than their doctors took me a long time to get the fuck over myself and accept that hey, some people really do need to be on medication. Being required to attend 8 hour long group sessions in a mental hospital for a few months did a lot to knock me off my privileged high horse.

So I've come around to being more accepting that some things are just a severe chemical imbalance and really do need medication to help the body correct itself and stabilize.

That said, I only took seroquel once to realize that the horrible feeling of flatlined emotions the next day was not something I needed to be doing. It was weird to walk around for once without feeling any anxiety or anger or confusion about what was real or not, but it was also so bland that it didn't feel worth it. I do sometimes wonder how much more productive I would be if I didn't dedicate so much of my energy to not just running off screaming into the horizon day in and day out.

Most of my stuff is just dealt with by my own brand of immersive therapy. Just forcing myself to go out and do things no matter how horrible it made me felt. Oh, and self medicating.

For a while, to handle my anxieties, I heavily relied on taking antacids and other medicines like that because it treated half the symptoms of my anxiety with kind of a placebo - I'd be somewhere crowded and begin to get an agoraphobic panic attack and it'd make feel like throwing up or just generally being sick, so chewing that made the symptoms go away and I could focus on the fact that the feeling was going to pass and that everything would be OK. This abuse, of course, eventually started fucking up my digestive system and I've been slowly weaning myself off of using them as a crutch. But 10 years ago I couldn't sit through a movie if there were people in the same row as me, and now I can go to an IMAX on opening night for a Batman movie. Still have troubles with subways during rush hour, but it's been a while since I had to get off in the middle of a trip and wait twenty minutes for my heart to stop pounding.

Hallucinogens, which I've mentioned on several threads in the past, helped me get a grip on my hallucinations. I started to see where the images were coming from (plays on shadows, lights and colour) and obviously, a more secure knowledge of what's real and what isn't, what can hurt me and what's just the floor rippling for no reason. I used to take them more often to help me "realign" myself, but I haven't had to do that in over a year now.

Drinking helps pull me out of my shell for social situations, no explanation there.

One day I hope to try to do diet/exercise changes, but considering that it sometimes takes me 3 hours to get anything more than a cup of coffee in me, it's unlikely. And I've had a tab open for some squats/butt exercising for the past month that I have yet to attempt to do even once in the convenience of my own home. Sigh. Y'all who are disciplined enough to do it are amazing!

Oh, and music. Music gives me something to focus on when I'm having panic attacks and also helps me measure the amount of time I'll be immersed in something. On the subways, I know that it's only 30 minutes to my destination, or 10 songs on my phone, and I can focus on that instead of the things around me - my brother got me a pair of noise canceling earbuds a few years back when I was having the worst of it and it was so helpful in shutting out all these external things that were getting to me. Sad songs help me stop spiraling too manic, happy songs when I'm down, etc. I also latch onto certain albums and will play them over and over if I find that I can focus on my work more with them in the background. I wouldn't function as well if it weren't for music.

Most people do not know how cobbled together I am from sticks and duct tape. I've always felt like having this system that I *know* works was better than trying to disrupt the status quo by going on medication and having to deal with going on one for months, having it be shit, then trying again. My life's moved too fast and hard to take any down time, and I've made so much progress on my own that I still don't think I want to try to go to a doctor to find a better way.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T16:36:43-08:00

So, years ago I used to occasionally comment here, but I turned lurker a while ago and haven't really wanted to participate beyond that. (It's me Whitechapel, not you.) But with Depression Quest and now this thread, just figured I'd share.

I've had lifelong severe depression, I've been persistently sad and miserable and had an urge to kill myself literally since kindergarten (when I was a latchkey kid; when you're 4 and you're home alone for hours everyday it is HELL). Lot of bad bad bad family history. My dad spent his childhood repeatedly molested by his grandfather and never even came close to confronting or dealing with those issues. So he turned into a pretty terrible husband and father, alcoholic, abusive, terrifying. So I've always been depressed from that, and also both my parents were killed in a car accident when I was 16. So there's that.

I used to have pretty strong social anxiety but have defeated that for the most part. I've always been the kid who was good at putting on a good face and making friends despite myself. I'm always surprised by other people's surprise when they hear I have depression, which can be frustrating but that incorrect perception just naturally leads to others being more dismissive of it. Self-loathing is very much my bag though. I've also been diagnosed with ADD, and have in the past tried medications for depression, anxiety and ADD. This includes various combinations of Lexapro, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Abilify and Strattera through my psychiatrist, and Adderall and Xanax in my free time for funsies (I guess also for funsies a lot of alcohol and weed and for a stretch there, salvia). I will say that maybe the easiest two weeks of my life were when I first started Strattera and it had really kicked in. Literally everything became easy, I had energy and focus and accomplishing tasks was not anything like the struggle it's been my entire life. It was honestly life on cheat codes. But it was very quickly diminishing returns, and upping dosages was only ever fleetingly effective. Adderall meanwhile makes me a twacked-out sweaty freak, usually, very productive and very uncomfortable the entire time. I haven't had the money for therapy or psychiatry or to even fill out prescriptions, so I've been off all medications for over a year. Which hasn't really panned out too well. I'm supposedly filing for bankruptcy but can't even afford to actually file yet, and also can't even get out of bed most days to actually get the paperwork in order anyway. I'm so bad at functional adulthood it's just... well, depressing.

I didn't make it far in Depression Quest before deciding it was a good tool for showing off the experience but just not a healthy use of my time, considering how RIDICULOUSLY BETTER the character's life actually was than mine. Supportive girlfriend, supportive family, etc? Lucky bastard.

Sorry for the text wall, this is me meandering a bit too much and now I feel like I'm drowning in self-pity. But! I will leave off with this: one of the worst parts about suffering severe depression, for me, has been the loneliness of it. A huge part of that is the complete lack of understanding and empathy I know awaits me whenever I consider discussing depression or anything mental health-related with friends who have no personal experience struggling with these issues. Especially in America, in my experience, there is still a too-strong resistance to the idea that mental health issues aren't just "in your head" and aren't something you can buck up and get over on your own if you'd just stop feeling sorry for yourself. A while ago I stumbled across this image, and it kinda perfectly sums up my experience, so I've found it a useful quick lesson for people that don't "get it" (who usually still don't, but at least it's worth a try right?):

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T16:52:32-08:00

@doclivingston: all my ((hugs)). all of them.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T17:43:52-08:00

I know I painted a pretty dark picture, but I'll be fine. It's just a slog. Thank you for the hugs :)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T17:48:32-08:00

Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement. I promise to interact more as you've all made me feel very welcome and comfortable. You guys are just awesome. That's all I can say. I'm in awe of everyone. The bravery, the sense of family, the acceptance. All this, in what I feel is the most talented corner of the entire internet.

I promise not to cry because Uncle Warren may be watching.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T18:55:18-08:00

You guys are always great, and I've never been intimidated so much as content to bask in your reflected glory. I will take advantage of the goodwill this thread has generated and interact more.

Management! Uhh, I guess I don't! I got a night guard because I was eating my own teeth at night. I was thinking about getting a weed card to at least manage stress. Pharmaceuticals scare the ever loving piss out of me, and my own wonkiness isn't so wonky that I feel like I should go down a path that causes any kind of dependence/building up or weening off process. Anyone else with similar symptoms (schizoid personality , general anxiety or chronic depression) try that with any success?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T19:20:37-08:00

Damn. Wow. You all are so amazing. My start up post was waaay too vague and I finally have the time (thank fuck!) to do a proper one. I'd do a proper response to everyone but there is just no way. I'm surprised at how much of response this thread got.

So, What I have, and the basics of why:
Depression, of course. My parents were missionaries, this involved a shit-ton of moving growing up, particularly between the ages of 9 and 16, in which my family did not stay anywhere longer than 2 years. While moving to different places is not inherently bad, the constant moving, and so often is really unhealthy, especially during the teen years. I could go into how transition between places work, the most important thing is that it takes about two years before things start to make sense again. On top of the moving, I have/had Dysnomia, which is a language disability that basically is a social handicap. While I manage it fairly well now, when I was a kid, I said the wrong things all the time, and was an extremely easy target for bullies. Oh, and I cried easy too. There are still times when people (usually people who find language easy) get on my case because I'm not explaining myself as well as I am "supposed to", which generally makes me feel shitty and angry. But that is rare, thankfully. Oh, and once my sister hit her teen years, she got some weird hormonal changes and became scary and emotionally abusive. And my dad tried to control her (and failed, and made things worse). And my dad is super conservative.

But that wasn't the worst part. Oh noooo. Let's just say there is a country in south Asia that is largely Muslim and is in the news a fuckton. For good reason. (By the way, most Muslims are really awesome people, but with any religion that is the national religion, things were and are... shitty - to put it mildly.) And the mission agency my parents worked for suggested my family to work in that country (with generally educated refugees), after attempting and failing to start work in other countries (Tajikistan and Kazakhstan). There was a boarding school not far from the city my parents would be in that my sister and I could go to. My mom even made a point of talking to parents of students of that school, and they all told her it was a good place. By the way, my mom did everything in her power to take good care of my sister and me. I don't blame her one bit for all the bad shit that has happened. What they failed to tell my parents was that sexual harrasment was normal in that country, or even the basics of how to respond to it, or that as females, my mom, sister and I had to be on our guard at all times or else the worst could happen. I remember reading "Not Without My Daughter" beforehand, which wasn't even vaguely enough of a preparation for what happened. And on top of that, they failed to tell my mom that in fact, the school they sent us to was indeed, extremely toxic, insular, and could take up to four years for a new student to "fit in". Well, at least not until about the time we left, a year and a half later, my parents' marriage a mess (it wasn't that good to start with), and my sister and I stuck with serious depression. And I suppose I could say I had/have social anxiety by that point too. The experience was, how can I phrase it? Traumatic! Yep! I more or less have PTSD because the people who were suppose to back my family up failed to do their fucking jobs! (Yes, I am a little pissed about this.) Everything else past this has been more or less been an improvement.

I also struggle with Fatigue. I think it's a mix of having all of that baggage to deal with (and the general triggering that comes with), and possibly some sleep disorder of sorts. Basically, I am tired all of the time, could sleep (off and on) all day long (and then the whole night too) without really trying (I've done it many many weekends/days/etc) and just about everything is done in a fog, and everything exhausts me. Granted, it's worse right now due to the toxic triggering job. At my previous job, which I loved and felt safe at (and was loved) the fatigue was not nearly so overwhelming.

Holy Fuck that was too long. I'll get into how I manage things the next time I post. The good news is, aside from the shitty toxic job, things are actually getting much better.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T19:42:52-08:00

@trini - I sometimes get insomnia, and then when I finally do fall asleep, I can easily sleep 12+ hours, even if I'm not sleep deprived. I used to think it was just a a teen thing when I was younger, but even know I still have really strong sleep inertia and can just go forever.

@sseloske - I have a couple friends who have a medical marijuana card for anxiety and they both love it. They're not regular potheads, and one of them was never into drugs and only decided to do it because was on so many meds for various things, all of which could be treated by cannabis, that his doctor suggested it so he wouldn't have to be taking a cocktail of Rx drugs every day. The other friend doesn't take it regularly and just uses it when she starts to have episodes, or of she has a particularly rough day or week. If your anxiety gets pretty bad it could be a really good way to treat it without having to mess with your brain chemistry.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T20:00:29-08:00

@Argos: The reason why I have been thinking sleep disorder lately is because 12 (or more) hours is my normal, unless I have to be up by a certain time (a couple days a week). That's just fucking scary.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-02-28T20:30:09-08:00

I've never been labeled with any schizotypy but the outlines of the personality disorder rings a lot of bells. I would also avoid the label for personal/freaking out ish reasons - my brother is full blown schizophrenic. I recognize that it's a stupid bias but still, there's the disorder of depression and then there's Real Mental Issues of schizophrenia. Maybe because I know I can still function and trust my own mind most of the time with just the mood disorder, but with schiz you fully can't trust what your brain is telling you.

Anyway, it's come up. I look away, do some version of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "LALALALA!!" But I may have noted I'm not great at actually working on my problems.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T02:24:25-08:00

The work life shaping the mood of the people listing depression is also something i encountered, it was a situation of being important and useful to a company that was obsessed with building a team of like minded people that team were a bunch of men, so lad culture dominated and the atmosphere in the office was very neanderthal and not one i was willing to go along with, also being vocal and calling out my bosses idea's to do a zynga and make a clone of a zynga game didn't help.

It lead to a period of months were i had little in the work experience column that wasn't freelance and needed to see this out, and it was mental torture, and lead to me dropping back into a very withdrawn unmotivated state, now i'm a lot happier surrounded by people i like working with and the bullshit is zero.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T03:24:18-08:00

In my mother's side of the family things like Tourette's, trichotillomania, OCD, ADHD, Manic Depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks, food issues, Aspergers, and some schizophrenia run free. Aside from schizophrenia and Tourette's, I've got the lot to varying degrees. (it seems that the gene of Tourette's usually goes with the males and trichotillomania goes with the girls)

There's the weird and unexplained brain damage stuff, which isn't totally diagnosed properly, but is quantifiably there due to the brain scans and vision issues. My ability to keep track of time is shot; I am a master at losing time and being late. Also, there is great brain fog. I used to be a quick thinker. I am lost quite easy these days. I was diagnosed many years ago as having "Organic Brain Disorder". (I enjoyed this, because it sounded like I was an android gone flesh.)

I have been put on various medications by my parents and developed a massive distrust for such things. However, I discovered that Adderall makes me a more collected and less scattered and flurry of a human being, and changed my thinking of mental health drugs. Unfortunately, Adderall does terrible things to my neurological/musculoskeletal health issues, so I am constantly warring with myself if it's worth it. I really do think that mental illness issues should not be medicated except in life threatening circumstances, or after years of personal attempts of trying to develop coping strategies.

The panic and agoraphobia I have learned to deal with by accepting the stress and not fighting it. I learned this by reciting the Litany Against Fear.

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......Only I will remain."

When I have an OCD/agoraphobic/panic attack, when I'm running late and freak out because I have the wrong socks and I can't find the scarf I need and I can't bear to leave the house without things I suddenly feel I NEED because otherwise I'll feel and look stupid, I just chill myself out, think of the Litany and go at an even pace, because I rationally tell myself that being in a panicked flurry is not going to help me find what I need, and if I'm going to be late, I'm going to be late. This frustrates those around me, to be sure, but... anxiety manifests in me as not just psychological discomfort, but it complicates and worsens my neurological issues. Stress physically hurts, so I have to give myself some allowances.

There's aesthetic sensitivity, though I don't know what it's properly called, but I cannot relax or think or feel right if my surroundings aren't to my specifications. It is for this reason that I realize I cannot stay in my current living situation. I know that I need to give myself some slack with my mental quirks, and my OCD is making me miserable in my current living situation. I need cleanliness. I need order. I need things to match. I need things placed properly. It frustrating, but I cannot think clearly in a visually chaotic environment.

There is also the Narcissist parents I was raised by, leaving me with some Inverted Narcissistic traits that I am trying to deal with, and constantly warring with. Inside, I really just want a Narcissist to make me feel devoured and complete and owned. Those relationships don't tend to go well, but healthy smiley partner relationships don't tend to be sharp enough for me. For this, I must find therapy.

And then there's the sex stuff. Oversexualized at a young age and with some sexual abuse at 6 years old has wired me a bit differently than most.

I am honestly quite surprised I did not end up with schizophrenia. I've got every one of the contributing factors that normally lead someone to have it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T03:34:21-08:00

My fear of the dark came back last night. I thought I had that beat. Apparently not. I wouldn't mind but it made me miss a package at work.

I feel so cold and alone when there's no light.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T03:50:04-08:00

@trini
I think if you are inclined towards these kinds of tiredness problems then emotional and social stress are just as exhausting as physical stress. More so sometimes.

The only thing I've ever found to really work on fatigue like that (and I've tried most things) is hardcore, tedious routine. Find a daily schedule that kinda works for you and stick to it - for me this meant about 6 months of feeling dreadful before I got used to being awake during working hours but now I count myself as being pretty normal, providing I don't deviate too much from my activity patterns. I still nap a lot on weekends and have patches of brain busting insomnia but am otherwise functional and it's not so bad. My optimum amount of sleep is still about 10 hours a night, but hey everyone is different right?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T06:53:27-08:00

I'm fairly sure i have depression. Mostly from being screamed at every other hour for being an asshole, or "stealing people's stuff" or being "heartless" at work (I manage a pawnshop. Even taking into account the sources, i.e. crackheads, hustlers, thieves, after a while it still wears you down). Anxiety for sure, amplified from trying the synthetic pot shit and having a very bad reaction when it first started circulating. Never again. I woke up a few nights ago uncontrollably shivering and burying my face in my still-sleeping-wife's chest, babbling about how scared I was because I thought I was dying. We figured out I had an anxiety attack while i was sleeping.

I destroy my fingernails on an almost OCD like basis.

Since getting married and taking this job, i have become incredibly lonely. I never see my dirtworld (real life) friends anymore and i had to stop most of my online gaming because of my work schedule, so other people that i had regular interaction with are also out of the picture. My wife is also fairly friend starved, simply because both she has a hard time making them and because her last major friendship betrayed her (a few months before she was set to be the Maid of Honor at our wedding).

I also get Insomnia, and as weird as it sounds, it seems like it's seasonal. I suppose it could be learned behavior from school ( i was an art major, hardly slept when i had to take 3 studio classes in a semester.) But it seems like whenever it changes from fall to winter and from winter to spring, i can't sleep for anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks.

On a side note, i do wish I could buy everyone here a beer or something, give'em a hug and tell them everything's ok. I think if we all had that happen a little more, that small amount of comfort would go a long way. Hell, i feel better just talking about it here. Thanks for the outlet.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T10:38:13-08:00

This thread has moved me much more than I expected it would. I didn't realize how much I wanted to talk about it all.

It's cliched to say/think, "It's good to know I'm not alone in _____.", but it's cliched for a reason, I suppose. You people are a comfort. Thanks for that. It's a relief to get it out and hear about other's experiences. Even my incredibly supportive partner and my closest friend in the world, who both listen when I need to talk, can't fully understand how it feels since neither suffer from the similar afflictions.

It's especially gratifying to hear that other people are wary of taking medication, as well as hear about some of the success and failures people have had while on it.

So, thanks again and vile internet hugs to you all.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T12:41:34-08:00

<3!!

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T13:42:59-08:00

I just want to say I'm reading and digesting; I want to give this thread its due attention. It's really amazing that you guys can put this stuff out here like this.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T15:41:14-08:00

So, how I got/am getting better:

As unpleasant as having Dysnomia (language LD) was, I lucked out in that my parents noticed something was wrong when I was four, took me to a specialist, and my mom learned how to help me with academic stuff. Also, the visual part of my brain had better connections etc, so my creative/artistic side got nurtured and used to help me do better at the language stuff. So academically, I was almost always fine. Regardless of the bullying, I went to academically great schools until I was sixteen. (Academically, the boarding school was amazing. I'm absolutely positive that the classes I took there were basically college level, which made California public schools amusing at best.)

I first went through therapy in the second half of tenth grade/when my family moved to California. Well, my entire family was getting therapy. Because the place we were at was a counseling center for Missionaries and Pastors, my next door neighbors were families who were just like us, and we fit in for the first time. I had a boyfriend, and a best friend, and if I wasn't all messed up with depression it would have been beyond amazing. The therapy sucked. I didn't think I needed it, and the therapists were inept anyway. One of the most efficient ways to find out if a therapist is shit is if when finding out I was an artist, they ask me to bring my stuff in, they compliment me a lot, and think that a) would actually improve things, and b) their opinion on art stuff actually mattered. It probably didn't help that it was a Christian based organization. I had lots of fun - with the boyfriend and best friend. Being included - one of the group, was a mostly new and wonderful thing for me.

Ironically, just as my parents (and thus my family) were out of the program, I did meet with a therapist that was half decent, but by that point my parents were no longer missionaries, the mission agency was no longer footing the bill, and my parents couldn't afford it. By this point, I started doing my own research on trying to understand why I was the way I was. I became quite good at picking apart all the things that happened.

Fast forward to first year of (city) college, and first time really working (fast food), and I tried therapy again. (Also, my senior year of high school was absolute shit.) They put me on prozac, which did nothing, the therapist wasn't any good, and I didn't get that I could just ask for a different one at that point. By that point, I was getting better support from online friends, and was taking great art and photo classes, especially figure drawing classes - those specifically did wonders for me. Also at this point I had started blogging, and over time the blogs became a venting space for dealing with my traumas. And eventually, I got tired of typing the same things over and airing my dirty laundry.

Unfortunately, just about every job I had also left me feeling shitty, and I was not good at them (too slow). Turns out, being great at school does not always translate as being good at work. Eventually I was working somewhere that covered my health insurance. And as a result of my wrists being wrecked because of overuse (computer/art/music/etc) and a car accident, (and other things) the depression got bad enough that I broke into tears when I finally managed to get to my Nurse Practitioner, who sent me to short term counseling, in which I discovered one of my big problems is that I rarely felt understood (childhood moving), who then sent me to long term counseling. It was then that I was prescribed Celexa (generic: Citalopram), which actually worked. It dulled my ability to feel, but it also made it possible for me to function. They may have put me on wellbutrin at some point but that never really helped. I also had a really good therapist, which helped me understand and manage things better. Unfortunately, because I wasn't consistently working enough hours, I lost my health insurance, stopped therapy, was given what was basically an endless refill of my prescription, and plateaued emotionally.

Not much later, I moved up to WI and helped my mom stay sane while she cared for my grandfather (who was abusive). I did attempt therapy, but the counselor sucked. He wasn't even bothered to read the psychology articles I gave him about people like me who had grown up moving around. The Citalopram was upped a little, I stopped taking Welbutrin, and things were... stressful. Work was the only really good thing. In the beginning of last year I got a new doctor, new therapist, and they have been working with and helping me get better. My therapist was the one to point out that my experiences in south Asia were traumatic (especially after hearing me talk about how I didn't trust my judgment in regards to relationships). So now I'm starting exposure therapy. And his background is in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. One of the things that I find especially helpful is that he tried to rephrase and explain what he thinks I am talking about so that he interpretations are as accurate as possible. His approach is talking about what happened, but finding ways to change the way I think about it so that the thought patterns are healthier and less destructive.

Sadly, within the last year, the place I loved to work for went out of business. And the place I work at now is toxic (I'm always too slow, among other things). As a result, the generally bad but manageable fatigue got bad enough for my doctor to prescribe a new medication (stimulant) to help my energy levels. And I just started it Tuesday. It's helping quite a bit - the amount of stuff I got done around my apartment in the past couple days has been astounding, but I don't know if it's enough to make work better. I also don't know if it will keep helping me or if it will wear off or whatever else might happen. I have an appointment about a month from now to discuss that. But that's where I'm at.

Eventually, I'd like to not need the meds, or take really low levels of the meds, but especially with all the heavy stuff that gets brought up in therapy, I need something to keep me functional. Do the meds dull my creative urges? Yes, but they also make it possible for me to keep a job and have an apartment, and so on. And someday, I will be healthier mentally, and be able to stop taking them, or take significantly smaller doses. That's my goal, at least. I used to be anti-medication, but have learned that they are a useful tool, and if all else fails, something to help make things easy enough to be manageable. They aren't the answer in and of themselves, but if that keeps me from having an emotional breakdown every couple of weeks (which was what was happening before I started the Citalopram), it's worth it.

Hopefully this wasn't too long.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T15:43:17-08:00

I haven't had time to do much more than skim here and i have to be up and awake enough to drive in a few hours so all i have time to say is

This is a truly amazing place full of truly amazing people and i am very glad it and they exist, strength and good fortune to you all!

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T15:54:26-08:00

I have... something. I don't know what because I'm undiagnosed. And I'm loathe to self-diagnose because I also have a whole raft of non-mental ailments that took me YEARS to get nailed down into something coherent, a process that was massively complicated by me attempting to faff it all out myself on wikipedia and putting the medical professionals off doing the correct tests as a result. (seriously, convincing yourself you have stomach cancer, and then going through the endoscopy and colonoscopy only to find you have a healthier digestive tract than almost everyone else they've seen that year is NOT pleasant. Still, I have ultrasound piccies of my gall bladder, which not many people can claim...)

I think I'm afraid of having someone say 'yes, your brain means you are thing X or thing Y' because while I know my brains isn't right, I know it's at a far lower grade level of upset than most.

It's my latent Britishness. I don't want to make a fuss.

I still feel like I should just be able to handle it, stiff upper lip and that.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T17:38:39-08:00

@ ~~Flybo~~ Flabyo (honest typo which I thought I'd share, sorry):

I think I understand what you mean. Every appointment, psych or other, is always constantly scattergunned with apologies from me to the doc on the grounds that I'm just wasting their time and should really stand up straight and get a grip, etc, etc. I think it might be a bit of a male thing as well as Plucky Brit Syndrome - not wanting to look weak or vulnerable and all that other bollocks on whatever level. Plus, in my case, there's the pathalogical aversion to showing anyone anything from beneath the protective facade I keep between the world and me, which doesn't really help. It took my one good friend literally yelling at me for over a year before I eventually went to the Dr's re: depression: more to shut them up than because I thought it'd do any good.

As for the fear of someone saying "yes", there wasn't any sort of epiphany "allelujah" moment for me when The Official Diagnoses came through, and (as much as I wish it had) definitely didn't provide a Get Out of Jail Free card for everything I regret and all the aspects of myself I dislike but knowing it's Not Just Me and that there's a possibility of maybe being able to do something about it, even if it's only because I know which direction to point, shone a little light where there'd been nada but an endless feeling of going nowehre fast. If nothing else, at least I now know for sure and have options.

My only problem with that is that, without fail, every headshrinker I've seen has started out by asking what I want to achieve from the sessions. I'm still trying to figure that out beyond giving them a list of things I don't want to be. But because I feel like me and my life have been built around nothing except those negative things, I'm not sure what, if anything, there'll be left if I ever do manage to sort them out.

Oh dear. My head seems to have got stuck in my navel. Ah well. Time for bed, said Zebedee.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T18:54:51-08:00

OK. Ten minutes of posting, then back to work.

I'm a little bit concerned to see so many of the regular Whitechaplets here writing about mental illness. Is it really so widespread, is it overdiagnosed, or does this site just attract the mentally disturbed?

I've already written out my family history in a lengthy post on another thread that got buried somewhere around here.

My diagnosis depends on which psychiatrist you talk to:

1) major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, with possible schizophrenia;
2) bipolar II, generalized anxiety disorder, with schizophrenia and OCD;
3) bipolar II, generalized anxiety disorder, and possibly high functioning Asperger's; and
4) "oh, definitely autism spectrum disorder. the other symptoms may be due to socialization problems, but we can work on that with therapy."

I'm sticking with p-doc (1), though diagnoses (2) or (3) might be more accurate. P-doc (1) is an older man who has been through the system himself, and emerged intact on the other side. Despite diagnosis (1), I've learned that my treatment (arrived at after numerous trials) is actually widely-accepted for diagnoses (2) and (3) (anti seizure med, anti psychotic, and CBT). P-doc (1) also relies on whether the reported symptoms are consistent with what he observes and what family members report. P-docs (2) and (3) rely primarily on self-reporting, which isn't always trustworthy. P-doc (4) has the most engaging personality and is also a therapist (and very smart), but she's more than a bit of a woo-woo.

I also participate in DBSA (a sort of lightly-monitored peer support organization), which has been a big help toward keeping things in perspective.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T19:30:10-08:00

Is it really so widespread, is it overdiagnosed, or does this site just attract the mentally disturbed?

Probably yes. And also, any healthy people on the board just aren't piping up to say they're healthy. We self-selected to talk about our brain wiring.

It's seemed to me that schizotypy and autism spectrum are on opposite ends of "what we do with social information that comes at us." But that's just lippy bitch's observations, I'm not in anyway trained in psychiatry.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T19:39:31-08:00

"Is it really so widespread, is it overdiagnosed, or does this site just attract the mentally disturbed?"

Yes.

Seriously though, I think most people have some sort of issue, it's just whether or not they want to acknowledge them or not. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of getting help for.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T19:49:02-08:00

@razrangel A quick google (multiple, sourced) shows that schizophrenia and asperger's share many symptoms (DSM and articles) and that they sometimes coexist. Anyway, I didn't make the diagnoses.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T21:16:35-08:00

I think part of it is that it really is widespread, and part of it is that everyone suffers from something at some point, and only asome people have really hard-core issues. For example, I've had mild depression since I was a kid, the kind where sometimes I just get really sad and have to weep and it fucks up my perception of what the world thinks of me. Only once did it start affecting my relationship with friends, and even then it wasn't that bad, and only once did it seriously affect my productivity (when I failed some classes at uni, the first time I got anything below a C).

Compared to some people, I mentally okay and just happened to have suffered through some "tough times." Because my depression isn't currently really affecting me too much, it's possible a professional wouldn't consider me depressed and might just say that what I'm experiencing is normal. But the days I get sad and have morose thoughts about myself and want to weep and think about the ways in which I can die, and end up being largely unproductive while I lay in bed under the sheets all day are still very real for me.

Interestingly enough, one of the facebook groups I'm in brought of the topic of over-diagnosing and self-diagnosing right about when this thread came up. I guess one of the girls went into a clinical trial where she got diagnosed with schizophrenia and ADD or some combination, and the point of the trial was that it's really easy to mis-diagnose people if you're just basing it off of a few symptoms. It's really common for people to exhibit a few symptoms of some mental illnesses without actually having full-blown cases of those conditions (whatever "full-blown" may be).

That said, i'm going to reiterate how much I love you people and this community. The attitude in that fb group thread was...not what I wanted to be in. It wasn't negative but it had that "Oh god ADD really is over-diagnosed these days as if all those people actually have it COME ON" attitude. I'm not saying that certain conditions aren't misdiagnosed - they certainly are - but some people were just being so dismissive of conditions that some people really do genuinely suffer from.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T22:16:31-08:00

@MrMonk: I look at as: A person you've just been introduced to comes at you with arms outstretched.

A. You freeze up or recoil. They're going to touch you. They want something from you you're not prepared to give. This isn't the way things are supposed to go AT ALL. You can't remember what the proper response is. You want it to stop and go away.

B. You freeze up or recoil. They seem like they're attacking you. No one is coming to your aid. Should you fight them? Should you run? No, those aren't the right answers. But they know how it all works. They know secrets they don't want you to find out.

C. You laugh off the surprise and hug them back. Whatever, some people are just touchy feely.

A and B overlap in external expression but come from different places. A seems to me to be the psyche of the autism spectrum side, where everything has to follow a certain process and surprises, especially of a social nature, aren't welcome. B comes from trying to shove a surprise into a narrative, the sort of thing I've seen schizophrenics do a bit. The world works a certain way and deviations from that way are insidious. C seems to me to be the socially acceptable (and therefore medically healthy) response.

I understand going back and forth and there's no reason a person's psyche can't do all of the above. (I had to train myself to be ready for damn near physical assaults from actors, where I'm used to just a handshake - hugs are for dear friends. And don't get me started on people who give platonic kisses.)(Despite verging on schizotypy, my instinctive reaction is to avoid touching or looking strangers in the eye.)

Furthermore, all of this is contingent on our society in the West. Just try up and hugging an Asian in a room full of Asians. Never a frostier reception...

@argos - that's part of why psychiatry considers disorders under spectra... Dysthemia is generally considered a mild depression and sometimes it's so faint in me I can fool myself into thinking I'm not depressed anymore. Then I get a touch of stress or something doesn't go right one day and all of a sudden I'm submerged and I hate myself and I'm pretty sure the world doesn't need me anymore, if it ever actually did.

You may have something mild. Something worth keeping in mind so you don't get overwhelmed when it suddenly goes from dormant to active. Maybe you're lucky that you don't need daily treatment (medication) but perhaps someone to talk to every other week could help you keep your feet on the ground. *hug* It doesn't have to be either you have it or you don't.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-01T22:39:36-08:00

My answer is D - they must be a Burning Man type so I'll hug them back. Heh, I've actually often found myself being the person who attacks the person I've just met with a hug because I was so used to hugging people at Burning Man. Platonic kisses are strictly reserved for family and other Spanish-speaking folk, since it's just such a cultural thing for us.

@raz - Yeah, I pretty much have just self-diagnosed myself with mild depression. It's a tame enough self-diagnosis that it doesn't make me freak out about needing meds or anything, but enough of something to help me deal with myself when I just want to crawl in a hole - sometimes telling myself that nothing is wrong with me and it's just my brain chemistry being off can help me get through the day. Because, as you say, when it goes from dormant to active, it really can be sudden, and one needs a way to deal with it.

And totally agree about it not having to be either you have it or you don't. It definitely runs in my family, but i might just be able to manage it better. When I did seek treatment (when I failed all my classes), both my doctor and therapist said I seemed to have a pretty good grasp at what was going on in my head. I'm terribly introspective, which can be good because it allows me to dissect what's going on when things go wrong, but is also awful because I can end up dwelling on things (and then become depressed about them).

There was a time when I was younger (when I had my inferiority complex, which never fully went away) when I was convinced that no one really liked me but only just tolerated me, and that if I died no one would care or be affected by it, and I would more often than not cry myself to sleep. But even then I still did well in school and I participated in extra-curriculars, so again there's that argument of "well, is the person's life being affected? Is their life actually in danger?" etc. But I think that just because the answer is no to those things, doesn't mean you don't have a condition.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-02T03:20:00-08:00

Jesus, getting flashbacks now.

People at my last job, who'd managed to get to know me well enough, used to exploit my allergy to unwarranted physical contact to snap me out of it whenever I got too 'intense' (their word) about something. Not quite a screaming phobic panic attack but it always worked.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-02T04:57:29-08:00

Physical contact is an interesting point. I'm a very touchy feely person nowadays, hugging new people and so forth, but I have to admit it's something I actively learned throughout the years. When I was a kid and teenager, I really didn't like being touched, or touching people. If I'm unawares and feeling either high-strung or low on Mental Teflon Shields (tm), a touch I don't have the time to brace for makes me jump a meter. This annoys the everloving fuck out of me, but meh, what'cha gonna do.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-02T06:23:20-08:00

in my teens i'd go completly stiff and rigid if someone hugged me, nowadays i'm a hugger

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-02T12:02:46-08:00

It takes a damn long time to get me to initiate physical contact with people. Or accept it. Unless I'm drinking. Alcohol makes me a normal person.

But yea, I don't hug my brother ever, rarely my parents. If someone is crying near me I tend to avoid physically comforting them unless they seem into it (even if I've known them for years). I even have people who I've slept with multiple times and it's awkward to hug them hello. When someone can break through it and I feel comfortable being affectionate, I tend to go a bit overboard in my joy of not feeling weird touching someone for once. This has also caused some confusion in personal relations where someone can think I'm *too* into them and then I get freaked out again. Sigh.
This has always made it extremely frustrating to try to hit on people, especially navigating that I like both men and women and sorting out if they're interested in me without wanting to offend them/make them uncomfortable. Mostly I just feel that people would rather I never touched them and so I keep to myself and people get this perception that I am aloof and unfriendly.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-03T00:18:16-08:00

I've been wanting to respond to this thread since its inception. I've been scared to. Part of the whole sign-on-under-my-real-name thing. Owning your remarks is easy when they're professional opinions or pop cultural engagement. Less so right now.

I have a severe brain injury. The whole story is here. I have been described as bipolar II on account of manic/hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes with suicidal ideation, but I spent months with a psychiatrist last year trying to get a solid diagnosis and perhaps change my medication - SSRIs at this stage - if necessary, to no avail. There always seems to come a point where psychs stop returning my calls. Usually after testing, rather than after telling them my life history, although it has also happened the other way around. I think it's probably down to people commonly being pretty unprofessional and useless rather than finding something horrific that they don't want to discuss. I hope. I went through an extensive and very costly barrage of tests last year, and now the bastards won't talk to me. No idea why or even what to do next.

One person in my immediate family is certainly ASD with a solid diagnosis, and at least one more is probable. It seems to run down one side of my family. I am not ASD, but I do alright as a companion to someone who is because I am capable of changing myself when necessary, and because I don't give up on people on the basis of mental illness, no matter how far off the rails they might go from time to time. It's just not right for me to expect that leeway from everyone else and then not give it when it's required of me. Perhaps ASDs are over-diagnosed but that's very different to being fictional, and while at least one person in my life who has an ASD is brilliant, largely socially functional and also pretty damn hot, I can confirm that it really isn't a glamorous or fun thing to live with.

I have a long history of alcohol and drug problems. I'm straight at present, and have been for over a year. The basic problem is that my dopaminergic system is flat fucking broken. My options are feeling like shit all the time or constantly looking for ways to goose the damned thing into action. My most stable and productive periods have usually been when I have been able to alternate between abundant supplies of different psychoactive chemicals in order to avoid both habituation and spiralling side effects.

I think this place does attract people who aren't well but who are struggling to keep it together and make something of their lives. I think the secret is that we don't tolerate bullies at all. Clearly stated rules and vigilant moderators help, but also mutual acceptance and an appreciation of diversity, not to mention a properly sick sense of humour. Oh yeah, and a generally high IQ, too. That doesn't hurt. I started reading because Warren. I started posting, after a long period of lurkage, because I came to trust people here. I have come to rely on this place because this is what I hoped social media would be and it isn't. I've never met any of you but in many ways you're as important to me as my real-world friends and family. Thanks for existing. That is all.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-03T00:55:39-08:00

Generalized anxiety is what gets my current shrink's claims paid - I really should see if I can find the medical paperwork from the last one I saw, as she never came out with an actual diagnosis that I remember, apart from suggesting paranoia at one point. Maybe depression. And that was when I was afraid of losing my job after some workplace outbursts.

I found out a few years ago that, oh, by the way, you were diagnosed with 'autistic tendencies' as a kid, we never told you. Not sure how much stock I set in it, the 1970s understanding of ASD being right up there with methods for identifying witches.

Morac: That comic is so what goes on in my head some days.

On medication: It's tricky because not only do different medications act in different fashions, but different dosages also have different effects. I remember a nightmarish experience when I was on Geodon, which left me barely conscious and feeling like I was walking along the bottom of a very deep body of water all the time. That being said, I've also done the 'Hey, real men don't need your fancy pills' route, which has its own problems.

My shrink has taught me some breathing exercises and meditative stuff which helps, and I've found Feeling Good helpful for teaching me how to short-circuit the negative thoughts I get before I spiral.

I guess, don't be afraid to ask about alternatives to medicines, or to tell your doctor "Hey, I'm having these symptoms, can we try a lower dosage or another medication?"

And know that it's normal to have good days and bad days.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-03T02:07:35-08:00

Hmm. I typically don't get too terribly personal on here (or on the internets, period). But all of you sharing helps me feel like I'm not alone in this. So here goes.

I have been struggling with chronic depression since I was a child. I was formally diagnosed with depression when I was six years old. I'll be 36 in a couple months, so that means I've been dealing with that for over 30 years. I grew up with a shitty mother who constantly reminded me that I ruined her life (not her fault she got pregnant at 15, no, it was somehow my fault). So I grew up suffering her psychological and physical abuse until I was big enough to start fighting back and eventually leave. I ended up getting married way too young, to a man that ended up being just as abusive as her. I finally broke that cycle, struck out on my own...and then developed PTSD after being beaten and raped by an acquaintance.

That of course exacerbated the depression. I have been through a couple of self destructive periods. I had a long string of failed relationships. Got married again. That ended after I got pregnant and miscarried. A couple of years later in a new relationship I managed to have my twin girls. Post partum depression was a whole new world of crazy. It took my normally Eeyore-like depression and turned it manic and spastic. It cost me my relationship with the kids' father. Not that everything was my fault, but it was a contributing factor, I'll just leave it at that.

I did finally get into a good relationship after that, with a wonderful man that was in his own way, just as damaged as me. Maybe more so. We spent seven immensely weird but good years together before he died from a motorcycle accident about six years ago. Cue another downward spiral/self destructive spell. That one nearly killed me. If it weren't for a couple of people reaching out and pulling my head out of my ass for me, I probably would have let it. I started life over in 2009. Sobered up, got away from people and situations that were driving me further into my despair. I've been doing a lot better the last couple of years.

I do still have days or weeks when the depression rears its ugly head. Sometimes life just sucks and you can't control it. Like a year and a half ago, when I lost my job and my grandmother died in the same week. That was rough. And then sometimes, everything is going along just fine and all of a sudden I feel this crushing weight come down and smash every bit of happiness I have. The PTSD from the rape and losing my husband pop up randomly as well. A sound or a smell or just the way someone will look at me will set me off. Most of the time it's circumstantial. But occasionally, my sadistic brain chemicals just like to wreak havoc. This is why we can't have nice things.

I've been on medications before. I don't care for the disconnectedness that goes along with them. I struggle with being outwardly emotional to begin with. Just about every drug I've been on just turns me into a robot. Also, before, I was also self-medicating with other things (alcohol, pot, pills, etc) which definitely didn't help. Now I'm managing ok without any meds, but like I said, I still have days. And by the time they sneak up on me, I just do my best to ride them out and hope they don't cause me to do or say anything to jeopardize the other aspects of my life.

I'm lucky to have a few people in my life that will tolerate me when I'm talking out of my ass when the depression makes me feel like the biggest failure of a human on the planet and won't argue, they'll just let me get it out of my system until I realize that I am, in fact, being a twat, and that I'll feel better after it passes. Sometimes I'm lucky and it's just a day or so of intense introspective self-hatred and misery. Other times, it can slowly flood around me and I'll spend weeks trying to pull myself out of it. Sometimes if I'm able to recognize that it is, in fact, the depression and anxiety taking over, then I'm able to control my responses to it better. But sometimes I don't, and that's when I kind of become an unbearable bitch until I do.

Sometimes I have to take life a day, an hour, even a minute at a time. We all gotta do what we gotta do. *shrug*

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-03T22:12:32-08:00

FIRST OF ALL, I VILL HUG YOU ALL LIKE BEAR! *HUGS!* THEN VE ALL DRINK TOGETHER TILL HOTEL ROOM IS NO MORE! THEN VE SMASH GUITARS AND RUN THRU STREETS OF WHATEVERTOWN, SCREAMING HEADS OFF LIKE GANG OF NAKED GIRLS IS FOLLOWING US!

THIRDLY, I guess I've always been depressed. Runs in the family. Alchololic? OH yes. I've also enjoyed a flirtation with one or two other chemical agents, neither of which is good for your brain and I HVE SEEN THE FUNGUS AMONG US AND IT IS US. (lsd, coke and mushrooms, in dangerous abundance.) Been self-medicating with marijuana since I was 14.

I also have a ... bit of a borderline personality disorder? Much like Peter Sellers, I don't feel that I actually have a personality. There IS no 'Me' - I'm just a collection of scraps that I tend to piece together, in some pleasing configuration, whatever the situation demands. I have a thousand yard stare that can light steel on fire. I've used it to scare people. I've gotten out of more sticky situations by using humour, though - always a laugh and a joke, cut the tension, here's a reference to this, quote that, steal this. I'm a Walking Google.

Like Peter Sellers, I've managed to parlay this into .. something. However, I also have some social anxiety issues, which prevent me from fully realizing my potential.

Imposter Syndrome? I adapt myself for whatever I need to be. It troubles me. I am an Unabashed Geek that thinks he's Steve McQueen and that Dude From Dr. Strangelove. That won't end in tears, will it?

Secondly, I won't take pills. I'd rather meditate. Or sleep. Or ride my bike. No pills. (When I was a kid, I used to ride my bike into a forest and talk to a tree. True story.)

I also make up my own math, whenever I feel like it. My credit score looks like Baghdad.

I'm a kid, basically. I never grew up. I am amazed at people who can do things, manage things, gogogo all the time. I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?

I apologize if I seem flippant - I've read your stories and I cried for each one of you. You all are some of the best people it has ever been my privilege to meet, either virtually or in meat-space. I wish all of you all the best and encourage any lurkers to at least consider adding comments. This community might help you, as it has helped me. I've met some people I would call my very best friends in the world here.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T04:40:33-08:00

Does anyone dealing with anxiety/depression also get to deal with GI disorders? Crohn's, IBS, etc? There is growing evidence of a link between intestinal flora and brain chemistry. But the science is still kinda new.

Anxiety and wallflowerish cowardice in myself so pisses me off I'm almost willing to a pill made of shit if that means I'll be brave and take chances.

I'm a kid, basically. I never grew up. I am amazed at people who can do things, manage things, gogogo all the time. I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?

HAH. I hate to admit but I pretty much live like I'm 12 and on summer vacation - and have been living like this for a few years now. My parents pay my way. A part of why it's hard to drum up motivation? Maybe? I don't know. I hate being so lazy, so poor and so cut off from the responsible people anywhere near my age. But... Hell, some days I don't make it out of my PJs.

@Argos - kinda interesting about family. Can't get out of the touching (we're Mexican here - though sometimes my sister teases me and calls me a Mexi-can't because I stick out some) at home. But not a lot of smooching like I was talking about. Family kisses are on the cheek. I was talking about being weirded out by friends - Burners! - who like to kiss on the lips and insist it's Platonic. It may be for them but it makes me mad uncomfortable because it's just not Platonic for me. If I like the person but I'm just supposed to pretend it's a friendly kiss then it tears me apart - and if I don't like 'em that way then it squicks me out to kiss them.

Sometimes that mild form is why society still seems to treat therapy as a luxury. It sucks that you have to be practically crippled with it for anyone to give you any credit for what you're having to deal with and meanwhile you're flailing like crazy to keep your mild or moderate situation from becoming the sort of acute emergency that will define your life. *grumbles*

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T07:15:21-08:00

I've found myself writing and deleting most of what I want to say about my situation. Even deleting a post. So you folks are pretty damn awesome for speaking up and I've developed a whole new appreciation for this place.

Question to those who suffer with depression stemmed from emotional abuse: Were you ever met with criticism when talking about it because emotional abuse "isn't real abuse" according to them?

A lot of my shit got knocked out as a silly first world problem by people who were practically competitive with their mental illnesses. So much that that, along with an "I can fix this myself" stubbornness and a fear of taking meds has resulted in me only taking the minimum amount of treatment options (and only then when I'm in Red Alert).

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T08:43:05-08:00

@raz OH! yeah, platonic lip kissing is weird for me. With family used to do it with my mom and dad growing up until I got weirded out by it around middle school, and then there's my best friend from high school with whom I do it and that's it.

@oldhat - yes and no. In my case it wasn't that "emotional abuse isn't real abuse" so much as my emotional abuser believes she's been nothing but an angel to me. And omg YES about being competitive about mental illness. A lot of "I'm the one whose been emotionally abused and you have no idea what emotional abuse is and you can never know" kind of stuff.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T09:23:23-08:00

@Clark and all the other lurkers. I'm constantly on that line. Kinda floored by all this. It's amazing and thank you for sharing. In line with what it seems are more than a few others, I've written and deleted this post a couple times over the last few days.

As for treatment, that leads into a whole other discussion about medical care in the US. My financial situation isn't so dire that I can get state help,however without help I can nowhere near afford it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T11:05:30-08:00

@ Raz: I have acid reflux/hiatus hernia problems but I think those might be hereditary because my mum & grandmother both have/had it, too. However, I know someone with IBD (ulcerative colitis) who has a history of mental illness, including severe depression, from way before the IBD started. I'll definitely be passing-on the link to them, though, thanks.

@ mister hex: Fuuny how you describe "not having a personality" because it's really similar to how I've always seen myself: a collection of premeditated responses to everyday situations (God help me if I come across something new), "instinctve" emotional contrarian in that if someone's down, I'll perk-up and try to get them to do the same and vice versa - without ever realising it until long after the fact - but, deep down beneath all those Rolodex-responses, not caring one way or the other about how anyone feels, either in general or as a result of something I've said or done. It's not that I don't want to emphathise with anyone - there are times when I'd ~~kill~~ do anything to get them (and them me, inevitably), it just doesn't happen. I can't "relate" to anyone's issues unless I've been through a similar experience, and even then it's more of a "hey, look what we have in common!" moment than me understanding how they feel.

I've been accused of being a narcissist once or twice but one of the shrinks diabused me of that idea. Anyway, I think I'm more Zelig than Patrick Bateman.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T11:21:58-08:00

@razrangel - yep, which then compacts my agoraphobia that I'm going to get sick in front of a crowd of people so I'm even more anxious. Hence, taking an ungodly amount of antacids and other stronger medicines to the point of fucking up my insides. But hey, at least I could ride a train in rush hour for 20 minutes. I see a family member of mine starting to go through the same thing and it makes me worried for them - it's become a question where I'm not sure if the anxiety came first or the start of the GI issues that then causes the anxiety.

@oldhat - my folks used to always tell me that any emotional outburst I had where I stood up against something bothering me was "overreacting", which is where for the longest time I was convinced I was just making up all these things wrong with me for attention. Which really, thinking about it, was incredibly dangerous for them to do to silence me - I stopped sharing anything with them and it lead to a lot of bad situations for me that really needed a support system and taught me that family isn't a reason for people to give a damn about you.
I've also had those kinds of toxic friendships and still always feel like I'm playing the Mental Disorder Olympics where it's a competition for sympathy, as if that's in limited supply! Most of my friendships and relationships have had a lot of that element to it, where whenever I was having a bad day, they'd have their own meltdown and I would be packing my shit down just to take care of them. So I'm kind of that weird fairweather friend: along with my general inability to connect with people, I just can't handle helping someone and then having my own requests for understanding be slapped away as if I'm imposing on them. So I don't make an effort.

It's kind of one of the reasons why try to contribute at least my experience to discussions like this - if I can't really emotionally be there, at least it's documentation that someone is not alone in what they're feeling. This idea that there can be only One broken person and they can have all the love and sympathy and that I (or us) are not the ones who are allowed to have it is incredibly hard to break. Having safe spaces where we're not being shut down and instead have people who understand and even those who don't have disorders show support is proof that that thought is wrong.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T11:25:25-08:00

whenever I was having a bad day, they'd have their own meltdown and I would be packing my shit down just to take care of them.

*non-intrusive hugs* That's the worst when people do that, it's one of the ultimate forms of selfishness.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T12:16:45-08:00

On platonic affection - My Dutch relatives are all cheek kissers as their standard hello to family and friends. I feel like a Clumsy American when greeting them, but try to reciprocate the three-kiss cheek dance without completely embarrassing myself.

@razrangel - I think part of the problem with feeling lazy (I've been struggling with that one, too) is the assumption that it's an inherent part of our personalities. The way we talk about ourselves, especially when it's encouraged by the way others talk about us, encourages a feeling that there's something wrong with our basic nature, rather than with the situation. The belief that something is true makes it more true, psychologically, you know what I mean?
I've been trying to separate my low motivation from how I feel about myself as a person. I'm hoping that treating it as just another challenge in the world, rather than as a broken part of me, will make it seem not so insurmountable. Not calling myself lazy, and not letting other people get away with calling me lazy, certainly makes me a little bet happier, and considering I'm getting more work done lately, perhaps that's part of the reason why.
...To change the topic back to platonic affection, I think that vetoing platonic lip-kissing is a reasonable boundary that people should respect, and you shouldn't let them make you feel bad about that.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T16:57:53-08:00

One day, I need to sit down and sort out all my baggage. Many of you have touched upon/reminded me of many things in my life that I should probably talk about, or at the very least, write down.

...ugh...that sounds daunting...

One day...

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T17:07:57-08:00

Platonic lip kissing!? That's a thing!?

God damn. Just when you think you've come to terms with the crazy ways people express emotion, along comes another terrifying invasion of personal space to watch out for.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T18:46:30-08:00

I generally hate being touched, except by people I know fairly well, and even then only infrequently.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T20:06:57-08:00

Wow. If someone tried to platonic lip kiss me without warning, they'd get yelled at, at the very least. And if I did have a warning, I'd give them a warning back. No one has the right to override my boundaries.

Um... there's more that I could say, but I ran out of time. Mostly, I'm astounded at what this thread has turned into.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T20:20:18-08:00

I am totally a hugger, and I don't mind getting a platonic kiss on the cheek although I do feel awkward giving them. But platonic lip kissing is strictly for young nieces and nephews.
I used to not like being touched. The only person I've ever hit is my little brother and it was for hugging me too much. I'm not quite sure when that shifted. Maybe I just want the amount of physical contact I'm not getting.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T20:39:27-08:00

My elderly grandparents used to kiss me - gross!

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-05T21:42:08-08:00

When it comes to physical contact I like going all classical - nemo me impune lacessit. No one touches me with impunity - although it'd probably be fairer to say no one touches me without a dirty look in return.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T00:32:24-08:00

Once had a...vigorous disucssion with someone over whether or not there were tacit implications to platonic lip kissing. Only knew one person who did it, to everyone, and, as far as my experience went, only after many, many drinks. My debating partner was vehemently claiming there had to be more to people's lips connecting than a novel, albeit misplaced equivalent to a peck on the cheek. I think this was the first time it had been me trying to explain the normalcy of an unexpected social situation to someone else who was freaking out about it. Surprisingly, I didn't manage to persuade them. Ho hum.

[deleted thesis on PLK's definitions]

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T01:05:38-08:00

Eep didn't mean to get people up in arms about losing personal space. In the first place - the platonic kissing I've seen is among dear friends. Some of the common perpetrators are people I care about very much, and who would never up and smooch a stranger - they have their own space needs! But personal space needs is something very indicative of psychology. Though I've noticed that most typically it's teenagers that really hate to lose their personal space, don't like touching of any kind, etc. After that it comes down to culture and then tribe habits...and then personality. (Being bicultural this has messed with me a little, among Latinos I better be ready for some exuberance where hugs are preferable to handshakes. Among whites/people of British and/or German descent a handshake and very brief eye contact, if you please. When I get the confused or someone doesn't conform the situation gets very weird and I usually freeze up.)

Re reading this thread I kept thinking of this Scientific American article from a little while ago, called "The Unleashed Mind." as well as this interview with Philip K Dick. I read the two close to the same time and they really did a number on my mind. I wrote a bit about it at my LiveJournal in a big harried mess because I couldn't keep all of my thoughts in any kind of order, but they just kept coming like a heavy rainstorm. While I was reading the SA article I wrote the following on facebook:

1. Holy cognitive disinhibition, Batman! This gave me so much food for thought the mental gears about overheated. Going to have intellectual heartburn for a while. 2. Need to keep in mind that this article essentially postulates that all creative people are a little crazy while not all crazy people are creative. Uh, give or take. 3. I wish it didn't take till page 3 to get at the meat of the subject, but it did. 4. Blah. More fuel for the idea that I might be crazy. Hmph. *grump*

To quote the article (which cites many famous geniuses with a touch of the cray-cray) "When asked why [John "A Beautiful Mind" Nash] believed that aliens from outer space were contacting him, he responded: “Because the ideas I had about supernatural beings came to me the same way that my mathematical ideas did. So I took them seriously.”

So schizotypy may be creativity run amok? A possible explanation of things? The only thing is that in full blown schizophrenia facts just don't do anything to dissuade the person from holding on to the narrative they "discovered." Instead they (as I've observed in my brother and friends he's made from homes he's stayed in) develop paranoia about forces against them trying to shut down what they've found out. But even in a relatively healthy mind we have to walk in faith. It's the only thing that makes civilization work - the trust that our neighbors will abide by unwritten, assumed social contracts. We run into the bias of our narratives when we get annoyed with people doing even mild things that are not in keeping with how we thought things work. That's not at all considered neurotic, it's actually basic, essential programming.

But anyway back to unleashed minds - do any of you ever get monster creative dumps where you feel like your brain is just heaving and you can barely keep up writing or talking about things? I only do every once in a while and I'm not sure what brings 'em on. Acid flashbacks? CAn't say. They don't remind me of when I was on acid. I just have a ton of thoughts and every new thought or new bit of information comes in and explodes everything, like a tree bearing fruit on all sides, all at once. I want it to just fucking stop, usually. I can't operate when it's full force and I can't catch even a few of the ideas.

Good lord I hope that makes some sense.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T03:29:49-08:00

@ raz/monster creative dumps: Only as I begin to doze off and I'm too sleepy or lazy to do something to have a remote chance of remembering them the next day. Apparently this isn't that uncommon but I've always assumed it happens because that's when my chaotic brain slows down enough for them to be seen/heard. I'd love to have one of those "grains" from Black Mirror's "The Entire History of You" implanted so I could "re-do" it all the next day. (Holy crap. Robert Downey Jr's adapting that episode into a movie? Sorry, wrong place, I know.)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T06:16:07-08:00

@razr - Creative Dumps. Huh. Being In the Zone, as I call it. It is somewhat reminiscent of acid, in a strange way. It's as if you can see connections and it's all "yes, this, then that fits here, that over there, that's perfect and if that works, then this, that, the other thing slide right into place and we're done." I have had nights that seemed to me as if I were onstage in a smash West End Comedy That Was Entirely Improvised.

@foamhead - interesting insight, vis a vis narcissm - It's not that I don't care, it's just that we can only walk together up to a certain point and then I keep going and you can go no farther with me. And I'll miss you, I'll miss you terribly but I can't stop walking.

'The faintest ink is better than the strongest memory.' - old Chinese saying.

re- touching

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T17:35:41-08:00

Just caught up with people's posts.

Fortunately I'm high enough up the Higher Functioning side of things that medication was a non issue. I don't think I would have taken any meds even if they were offered, I've always done things the hard way if it was important to me. My study of philosophy taught me how important it is to have a clear understanding of your own identity.

On the whole familiarity thing. I have an exclusion zone of personal space that I don't like people being in to the point that I won't sit down on buses/ trains if I had to sit next to someone. The only people I let in my personal space Are friends/ family/people I'm attracted to. Unless of course the booze has been flowing.

I'm sure I had a point but it's late and I have a busy day ahead of me.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T18:44:47-08:00

Creative dumps. Definitely. Sometimes there's a huge spontaneous flash, sometimes the weed triggers it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-06T19:52:12-08:00

In some ways, I do the slog work of creative endeavor just so I can get those creative dump moments. I haven't done drugs, but those moments... they're my drug. And really, they don't come as easy or often as they once did.

Speaking of drugs, I think someone else said it, but one thing to remember is that just because someone had a bad experience with a particular medication doesn't mean it won't be magical for you. Or vice versa. Most of my medicinal experience was around my spine shit, but I can say for sure I'm the guy who gets the side effects so rare they don't even have to mention them in the adds. So yeah... the add says it can kill ya, but I can attest... it could be worse.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T03:44:34-08:00

This thread's really been getting under my skin - not in a bad way - to the point I woke-up wondering about this today.

I know conventional thinking decries recreational drugs for people with mental illnesses or problems along those lines, even more strongly than they do for the "neurotypical": hell, I was advised against drinking too often/heavily on the grounds it wouldn't help my ADD.

So, do any of you brilliantly-flawed types think, suspect or know whether or not your pharmacological and libationary histories have or do play any part in how you are today?

Ball-rolling getter thing: Been inclined to depression and unsocial behaviours (or "a moody sod" and "too much of a loner", as my mum called it back in the day) for as long as I can remember, but, seeing as I wasn't diagnosed with anything till my 40s, can't help wondering if my E/speed/acid diet of my late teens and early 20s somehow contributed to or compounded those existing issues. Haven't touched an illicit pill or powder for over 20 years, and no alcohol in close to 10 (no addiction thing - just finally got bored of pretending I like the taste), but when I did partake, I really got into it. Someone's earlier post mentioned loving being either drunk or stoned (can't remember who or which, sorry) because it enabled them to overcome all their usual social obstacles and that was exactly the same for me, too. I used to describe it as "turning-off my higher brain functions" because it "allowed" me to behave in ways I'd always perceived as how everybody else does all the time - I even danced, for feck's sake. I won't try to claim I ever got close to being addicted but it was only lack of money and opportunity which prevented me turning on, tuning in and dropping one every day because it felt like I was escaping being me as soon as whatever I'd necked took effect, and I still wistfully look back at that period as the best time of my life.

But 20-odd years on, riding a largely downhill emotional roller-coaster while barely keeping a conversation on topic for more than a couple of minutes at a time and forgetting shit even quicker...did I really "do my head in"?

(and now I've got "The Drugs Don't Work by whoever it was trilling around my head. Thanks, drug-addled brain.)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T09:32:15-08:00

@Foamhead - To my understanding it depends on the drugs. Hallucinogens really only have temporary effects as they go in and out of your system, though e in particular can leave you depressed the next day because it depletes some chemical you need to be happy (that being said, I do have friends who know people who have done themselves in by being on e for like a week straight).

Really hard stuff like heroin and coke, on the other hand, literally destroy your brain. IIRC, coke deteriorates the frontal lobe. So if you take too much, well, you can't function like you used to because you've given yourself brain damage.

Acid and e probably didn't do anything long term to you, but I don't know much about speed so I'm not sure if that could have done something.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T12:15:43-08:00

@foamhead

That being said, there is a fair amount of journal data to suggest genetic links between depression and alcoholism. In my case, there was a strong history of alcoholism amongst the Native American wing of my family. It didn't directly impact me growing up, but it was enough of an issue that I've never drank to avoid finding out whether I've genetic predisposition to it. However, the depression was definitely there...and does run through the portions of the family that avoided the alcoholism. Seems like we all got one, another, or both.

So there may be predilections in play that are not directly related to the drug use.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T15:18:32-08:00

I'm most interested in the drugs part of this discussion, actually. I love to see people keep track of their medications/self-medications and the reactions.

Personally I found out a fair amount about my brain functions when I finally discovered a class A drug I genuinely enjoyed. Most run-of-the-mill uppers and downers aren't really satisfying for me, but hit me with a dissociative anesthetic and I am there.

I know most people with mental-health diagnoses will only ever have tried variants of the same thing (four types of SSRIs with slightly different additives and makeups, for example) so I'm hoping people have done enough research to really figure out what went wrong in the failed drugs.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T16:55:09-08:00

I'm fairly straight laced but I don't mind giving the fruits of my limited experience.

I think booze is the best thing for me. Lowers my inhibitions, armours me against embarrassment and forces/ allows me to focus on one thing at a time and generally act like a normal human being. I don't drink that often due to finances and also because I don't go out much which is dumb but that is what it is for now.

I have a morbid fear of hallucinogens. Haven't taken them, don't wan't to take them. I don't cope with surrealism very well (after all these years I still can't look directly at Salvador Dali's works) and having audio/visual phenomena doesn't sound like fun. Also I have a near pathological need to control things and do things on my own terms, in that way you could bend girders around my inhibitions normally.

Weed is like booze except I get real talkative and then sleepy real quick.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T17:48:53-08:00

Funny enough, hallucinogens are the only thing I'm okay with since they leave your brain in tact after use, but yeah, if you're not okay with surrealism and and audio/visual phenomena, definitely stay away from them.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T18:54:02-08:00

Um... there was a drug use thread. Recounting using is not exactly the question, I think?

I don't know if ongoing drinking or smoking anything changed my brain chemistry. I know when I drink a lot of the extra noise in my head goes down - those inhibitions, for example, but also all the flab that leads me to think about thinking about things and kills my motivation, etc - but it also leaves me susceptible to morose feelings.

Smoking calms me. It may be the forced long breaths, though.

Barely used any acid or meth compared to real users, I think, to get any kind of read. Intensive philosophy study has done more to alter the pathways of my thoughts, I believe.
(FYI the US Federal Gov't takes the position that after five doses of acid you're well on your way to a psychotic break, and that is grounds for not getting a government clearance and/or hired by the FBI. The neuroscientist I used to know who was a regular user loved to cite that fact and then laugh and laugh.)

I think there is a distinct possibility that regularly drinking coffee kept depression mostly at mild levels. It might not be the caffeine or anything else in coffee - could very well be psychosomatic. Coffee means getting up and getting to things, to deal with what comes next, to jumpstart everything. I might have my first cup in the evening (as I will today) but that is an internal flag of when my day begins and everything before that was just spinning my wheels.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-07T19:08:01-08:00

My wife has depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and epilepsy.

I'm high on stress.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T00:05:31-08:00

@Argos - Not so. A Single Dose of 'Magic Mushrooms' Hallucinogen May Create Lasting Personality Change. Larry Hagman had quite a lot to say on the matter, too. With coke/heroin/speed, it destroys the frontal lobe because it's being snorted right up there. If it's not being snorted, the same brain damage doesn't happen. Instead, it just burns out your dopamine systems and wrecks your ability to feel joy.

With drugs and my personal mental illnesses... well, coke makes me introspective and weed makes me hyper and talkative and want to clean things. My mother, reportedly, is the same. This is standard ADHD reactive behavior. I'd a roommate who was shocked and amazed at the difference in me when on adderall, and he begged me to get myself more of it.

My favorite thing in my early 20s was weed and speed. As an adult and being all responsible and whatnot, I ended up with a prescription for both morphine and adderall. I felt most like a normal human being than I ever had.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T00:40:19-08:00

@razrangel: That 5-doses-acid-psychotic-break thing? Isn't that the same tired urban myth about acid that's made the rounds for decades? Your friend has got to be spreading horseshit, that too-many-hits story never makes any sense...

Re: drugs/alcohol relative to mental issues - I can't accurately say what long-term effects I've experienced, but my severe depression was present years before I ever used anything, and to be honest I really don't think any of my recreational use has done lasting damage. In the short-term, I really have to be careful with weed, too much and it noticeably notches up my depression. Done a lot of salvia and honestly think my experiences with it were always helpful to some extent. I think everyone could use a full hallucinatory experience at least once in life (what Rachæl Tyrell commented on just now is exactly why - I think the findings are reflective of the positive change to perspective brought about by fully escaping into an experience completely alien to anything you've ever known, and not just some physical chemical trail left in shrooms' wake), and if you're apprehensive about hallucinogens but still curious, just do salvia. Rarely ever a bad trip, and even if you are unlucky enough to have one, you'll deal with it for all of 15 minutes. I steer clear of acid because it's such a time investment and the idea of a hellish 6-hour-long bad trip mortifies me. I know alcohol is bad for me but the social benefits are always wonderful.

Moderation is everything, obviously. I've found that it's fine entering the fog/numbness/high/unreality to escape whatever ails me, as long as I escape that unreality at the right time, before it starts going to shit. As long as I manage that balance, the substance abuse doesn't seem to worsen my condition(s) and has actually been pretty therapeutic.

Re: psychiatric prescriptions - everything I've been prescribed for ADD, anxiety, depression, has all followed the same sad routine. Initially (possibly placebo effect to some degree) I'll see a boost in mood or focus or whatever, then the effect diminishes to nil. I kinda just gave up on prescription treatments. The lack of money and good insurance co-conspired with my lack of positive results, of course.

Semi-random note: Celexa is NOT Lexapro and I've personally known several people that had the same experience I did, where Lexapro was clearly a better fit but insurance didn't cover it and it was prohibitively expensive, so we received a scrip for Celexa instead, as the sorta-kinda-almost-generic for Lexapro. Which IT SO ISN'T. For me and everyone I know that's also been on both, Lexapro was far more effective and brought on zero side effects. Celexa showed far less effectiveness and made reaching orgasm a goddamn marathon for me.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T00:53:49-08:00

@doc.... er, yes. That's why my neuroscientist friend laughed so very hard. Supposedly it's still a guideline for the gub'mint. He wasn't spreading the belief but rather the ridicule.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T00:56:18-08:00

Except that's never been a government policy anywhere...

ETA Specifically: how do you test for life-long amount of hits? You can't measure it in the body, you can't rely on self-reporting, and you can't reliably account for varying potency. It also doesn't reflect the reality of what legally constitutes "insanity", which is based on behavioral incidents. This sort of policy has never been sourced to anywhere, ever, that actually did this. You'll never produce a person that was asked the question of acid hits, tested in any way, and on and on and on...

Edit #2: Not to say the government won't ask about prior drug use. But asking if you've specifically done acid a specific number of times? Because it's going to make you have a psychotic break? Complete nonsense.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T01:17:33-08:00

Regarding bad trips and the like - there's a magic bullet. Vitamin B. I used to carry Berocca with me everywhere in my 20s. Brought heaps of people back out of bad head spaces in a matter of minutes. So no, you don't have to endure hours of it if it's gone wrong on you. Just FYI.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T01:25:59-08:00

Em, yes. Hence why laughing is the best response. I'm not sure where I'm being unclear.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T01:29:44-08:00

"Supposedly it's still a guideline for the gub'mint." It's not.

ANYwhoozle... now planning on procuring vitamin B and some acid...

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T02:03:25-08:00

[stepping out a little further... just a pinky, though, mind you...]

i've never been diagnosed with anything [mostly because i've never been under any professional care, i assume] and my personal opinion is that i have lots of 'small things', but nothing serious. to put it another way: i have little problem 'functioning' in society, but there can be [and at many times are] massive up and downs and energy drains and confusing things going on with me that are outside the 'norm' [as attested by close friends that are either within this 'norm' or clearly way outside of it - again, no professional opinion there]. however i've come to the conclusion that most of my 'problems' stem from issues i have [or have had as i think i've gotten a very good grip on most of these issues by now] with identity, defintion and building of. and i've realized that it helps me a lot to view my identity as fluid but always within my control to shape and adjust, if i should feel the need to do so.

reading through all of your posts, especially concerning how to use medication and other drugs as tools, i somehow get the impression that some of you find relief in an opposing direction. meaning: instead of looking for and identifying an identity and coming to terms with that, it seems to me that it works for some of you to let go of the identity concept altogether and just 'lose yourself' [bad term, but couldn't think of the words i'd want to use instead].

anyone care to elaborate on that? perhaps i'm misunderstanding this?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T06:21:10-08:00

If I may offer my own subjective opinion ...

I've done a lot of acid. More than 25 years ago now but, like, A LOT. I almost believe I did it purposely to see what it would do to me, 25+ years later. Well, here I am, still here. IT WON'T KILL YOU. (Probably. It might, ya never know.)

I retain certain insights and always will. We are all connected, somehow. The world is magical and horrible in almost exactly equal amounts. For every good thing you can name, I can name ten bad things and vice versa. It's akin to ... being able to unhinge the jaw of your brain, like a snake. So you can wrap it around pretty much anything and not get all freaked out. Cary Grant, of all people, did extensive use of LSD before it was illegal, as a therapeutic tool. True fucking fact.

Mushrooms are pretty awesome and a different experience than LSD. Some people get physically sick, like vomitty and then are fine. Again, no lasting detriment and certain intangible benefits. (I am not preaching the Gospel here. Do due research before you ever experiment with anything. Seems reasonable, no?) That said, I have noticed a "hangover" period with both. And yes, I've done certain stupid things under the effects of both, that injured me but not permanently. (NEVER play with knives, kids.)

(The "hangover" period can exacerbate depression, too. So careful what you wish for.)

Opiates and speed are a giraffe-and-a-half above my pay-grade or willingness to indulge. Thanks but no thanks.

Coke turns people into assholes. For reals. Toxic, not worth it. Avoid.

Marijuana, on the other hand, IS a lot like alcohol, in that it's fairly benign. On the other hand, alcohol isn't really all that benign and neither is weed. When they say pot isn't addictive? Yeah, they don't know what they're talking about.

No pills for me, thanks. Thanks but No Thanks.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T09:09:18-08:00

@badbear: Wow, it's taken me a while to respond to this. I do think you are right, at least one some level, and part of me is trying to get better about consistently waking up at a certain time. Hopefully with the new meds, I'll get better about that.

@doclivingston: I'm surprised anyone would think that Celexa is the generic for Lexapro, especially since Celexa has it's own generic name (citalopram). From what I understand, Celexa and Lexapro are similar, but certainly not the same thing. Interestingly, I like Celexa better than Lexapro - I did try it, and it just wasn't enough.

@werwolf: I've come to terms with the fact that I have depression (etc). I realize that I will probably have to deal with it on some level for the rest of the life. But there is no fucking way I'm going to let it be one of my defining features, and anything I can do to beat it is something I am going to work at. Depression sucks. It makes my life less full than it could be. There are times I wonder what I could be accomplishing if I didn't have what is effectively a ball and chain attached to me. A successful artist maybe? Married? Living in Italy or Trinidad or somewhere not cold, and doing exciting things? I suspect you mean well, but I don't like being depressed, and the idea that I might be running away from my identity by trying to do everything in my power to beat the shit out of it feels incredibly insulting. Who wants to be defined by the thing that makes their lives more difficult? Is it an aspect of me? Sure, but I am more than that.

I'm all for finding a sense of self, but there are better ways. And if you can do it, get professional care, and get to the root of your problems, so you can actually deal with it, instead of stumbling around it. I'm not saying the first psychologist will have all the answers, but therapy can help, so if you can get it, why not take advantage of it? Besides, even if they are just "small things" every little bit helps.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T09:11:20-08:00

" When they say pot isn't addictive? Yeah, they don't know what they're talking about."

My take on that is, if you have an addictive personality, anything can be addictive. Whether it's booze, food, video games, exercise, sex...anything.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T10:04:20-08:00

@Rachael - ah, yeah that's a very good point about the snorting. One of my cog sci major friends was explaining the effects of drugs to me and why some are worse than others, but I don't remember him mentioning that snorting was a reason for frontal lobe damage, but I could have just forgotten (and in hindsight is very obvious).

In an effort to not get too off track, my depression was there since I was a kid, ages before I ever touched alcohol or any other substances.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T16:37:33-08:00

@Trini: Right. To go into better detail, what I meant by "sorta-kinda-almost-generic for Lexapro" was that a handful of doctors and my insurance company itself all suggested Celexa as a suitable, cheap substitute. A few doctors even used the phrase "it's basically like Lexapro's generic" because it's chemically similar (citalopram vs escitalopram), and talking with a few friends and an ex, we were ALL fed that same line. Except it's bullshit.

Btw, holy crap, I just looked at the wiki. The patent expiration date for Lexapro finally came last year? Can you get a generic version of it now? Like I mentioned above, I gave up psychiatric treatment a while ago (maybe two years ago?) but if I can try Lexapro again for cheap I might wanna give it another go. Obviously everyone's different, but Lexapro treated me MUCH better than Celexa.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-08T17:48:54-08:00

@docliving: Wow those doctors are shitty. There probably are going to be some generics soon, though when I did try Lexapro, they do have a free drug program if you prove you are sufficiently poor and have the prescription. I learned that because the doctors/clinic I have right now are completely awesome and do everything in their power to make everything affordable. In fact, the one of the biggest reasons I am getting so much better is because I can afford to go to see my psychologist as often as I want, I can afford to go to the doctor to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and try different things. It's amazing.

And it's been brought up, but I've never gotten around to properly addressing it. In my family, the depression etc is absolutely genetic on my mom's side. My maternal grandmother had two sisters. One was a happy go lucky sunshine person. The other had periodic blue moods, who would then call my grandmother for comfort/cheering up. My mom has had depression as a teenager, though she didn't figure it out until later in life. Both my sister and I have depression, though it can manifest in different ways. My mom, sister and I all struggle with fatigue. And we all take meds. I think with proper levels of therapy etc, my mom could possibly get off the meds or go to minimal levels, but currently therapy is too expensive for her. If my sister went off her meds, my entire family would be doing everything in our power to get her back on them. She can be somewhat difficult on her meds, but she's a self destructive nightmare off them. My maternal grandfather and his father had scary mean streaks. They'd be laughing and joking one moment, and scary angry the next. One never crossed them without serious consequences. My sister can be like that too, but she didn't grow up around my grandfather, so I suspect that maybe there's some form of bipolar or something? It's hard to know. She's never been diagnosed as bipolar, so obviously the high/low tendencies aren't strong enough, but I have my suspicions.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-09T04:22:05-08:00

i do have an addictive personality, hence my choice of no alcohol or drugs, other then caffeine

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-09T05:32:07-08:00

Just noticed this thread, so I'm sorry for being late to the party. Which I always am (on purpose) in real life, because I suffer from social anxiety and agoraphobia. Which will probably prove fatal to my comics-making career, by making it impossible for me to participate in cons anymore. The last one I went to about 5 years ago, which was only a local hotel-wedding-party-room affair, I ended up spending in a men's room stall (reading, not cruising) while my friends had fun. I did better in younger days, but I think the more I avoid the kinds of situations where I'd be uncomfortable, the more they bother me when I find myself in them.

I'm acrophobic too, but that's easy enough to manage: stay off ladders, airplanes, tall buildings, and IMAX movies about superheroes.

I have depression (usually manageable without meds), which I attribute (not blame, merely attribute ... the counseling has helped) to parental abuse/abandonment, the abrupt death 10 years ago of my boyfriend of 5 years (the only person I've ever really been in love with), and a being fired from every job I actually liked and was any good at ... except self-employment such as occasional hustling (that one I quit for my boyfriend, too old now to go back) and making comics (which makes me no money). I actually think I'd be OK if my life just didn't suck.

One thing I have going for me is not having an "addictive personality". Yes, I do drink too much for my health and budget, but the answers to the red-flag alcoholism-quiz items about interfering with work, binging, DUI, blackouts, have always been "no" (not counting teens and early 20's). I've been a regular user of pot and pain-pills and sometimes MDMA, but when they weren't handy or when my boyfriend asked, I just stopped and didn't miss them beyond the occasional gosh-I-haven't-done-it-in-ages-I-could-go-for-that-right-now-fuck-I-don't-have-any-I'll-get-a-couple-beers-instead. Last year I even found about an eighth of pot I didn't bother to finish and forgot about a few years earlier.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-09T05:40:40-08:00

When they say pot isn't addictive? Yeah, they don't know what they're talking about.

When they say that, they're talking biochemically. When you stop, nothing special happens to your body chemistry, no withdrawal reaction happens ... the THC just gradually breaks down and washes from your system. If doing it's a habit, or part of your social pattern, it can be hard as fuck to adjust to it not being there, but that's not chemical addiction.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-11T08:39:35-07:00

@trini_naenae apologies, did not mean to insult. i'm just being curious, want to know more about the various methods each of us use to get a grip on whatever it is that we want to get a grip on. also, it seems to me that you're actually applying a similar method that i do: you choose an identity for yourself that is not dominated by your depression and then go about finding ways to make that happen, right? [by saying that you do not want depression to be a controlling factor you are changing your personal narrative to something that will be better for you - which could be desribed by using the words 'writing a better you', which can be viewed as a different identity. it's just semantics. i believe we're on the same page here.]

what i'd like to know more about is those experiences where identity-borders become very blurry or even vanish altogether - and how those experiences might help [or have helped] in solving our problems?

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-11T21:37:52-07:00

I have come to the point where an identity in and of itself isn't really that important to me. I mean, how does one define concepts like identity and authenticity and so on without running into expectations that cannot be lived up to? I'm more interested in context and intention - concepts that allow for more variables and change. Because ultimately identity, and all of the issues that surround it are really about ideas, and well, ideas sometimes mean different things to different people. The definitions are inconsistent. How the hell can we be basing our existence on something so prone to such difficulties? I find it most helpful to realize that identity is very changeable and unreliable, and stop worrying about it altogether. That said, I'm no psychology (or philosophy, or whatever) professional - I have no degrees, just a set of opinions. I suspect you would find the most help with these ideas from someone who has a degree and is licensed to help you. Again, they may be able to get to the root of what is troubling you, and help you find some clarity.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T05:24:34-07:00

I've got the ADD, depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and a low self opinion, man. Diagnosed and treated (Concerta, which was a fucking godsend, Zoloft, which makes my prick work erratically, and therapy, which I just started).

I'll read back through when I have a minute, but I want everybody in here to keep going. One foot in front of the other, and y'all can contact me if you need an ear.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T08:54:38-07:00

You guys are inspirational.

No really. I made an appointment to talk about meds for my various issues with my doctor. Pretty nervous about it, but I think I'm currently only enduring and "getting by" and I wonder if my life could be better or, dare I hope, good if I try medication for ADD, anxiety, depression, etc. It's only taken me decades to work up the nerve. Thanks, all.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T09:09:59-07:00

but I think I'm currently only enduring and "getting by" and I wonder if my life could be better or, dare I hope, good if I try medication

This is about where I am right now.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T09:34:17-07:00

@chia and dork, same here.

Currently I need to keep myself mentally active in order to avoid going in to stray thoughts which almost always go towards something depressing (Either about certain people, or a sudden "awakening" moment of clarity where I look at my shitty work/living situation). For the most part lately my work days have been such that I'm arriving in the office at 9-10am and getting home at around that time. I'm usually always doing something to distract and I recently started realizing that if I'm going to get ANY sleep I need to push myself to be as exhausted as possible at the end of the day or else I just stare at a ceiling.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T11:47:18-07:00

Getting close to hair-tearing-out, living with my Oldest Brother. OB is schizophrenic and with it comes delusions and paranoia and odd reactions to the meds he takes. Long ago without the meds he would write things down on a pad to make us read because "they" were listening and he would tell us with a straight face that he had permission to carry out God's will, violently if necessary. That was long ago. Now he walks around the house stomping for an hour or more at a time because he can't help it. He writes long meditations on religious reflections and how there is no such thing as getting sick, only failing to be happy and rails day and night against my parents' deeply instilled traditional Catholicism. When my sister and niece comes over he's taken to literally screaming so he will be heard than sis's attempts to discipline her daughter (who has been caught lying about not having homework) are evil and will drive the girl to use drugs and ruin her life (the kid is 10).

If he weren't my brother I wouldn't tolerate this bullshit. If he weren't sick in the head I wouldn't try to excuse it. Without the diagnosis and blood relation, he's a motherfucking shitty asshole.

But I do live with him and I do deeply believe in love as the answer to all things. Now I get why people sometimes feel like God tests their faith. My commitment is definitely being tested, and I'm definitely failing.

Intellectualizing as I do, I study my own reactions and find they're not wholly different from when people encounter other folks who live different, act out self-expression differently. And I end up thinking I'm not being patient/tolerant and I'm just being bigoted. He says he can't help it so taking it on directly won't help. But I'm seriously tired of this horseshit.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-12T13:34:45-07:00

I look at it like I do with buying a new camera. I had a sony cybershot, and it wasn't the best camera, but I used it until I was confident that I was taking the best possible photographs that crappy little thing was capable of. Once I hit that point, then I paid to money to upgrade and get a proper DSLR. Once I know the thing inside and out and know that I'm becoming frustrated not with my own limitations of how to handle the camera, but rather, the camera itself, then I know I need something more.

In the same way, I think making sure I've pushed the boundaries of what I am capable of myself is really important to do before I turn to pills. I do this with my pain-health. I have shifted my diet and my lifestyle as much as I possibly can, and stayed off pain pills for over a year, making sure that it really was outside my control from any other avenue of possible solution before I went back and asked for medical assistance again.

Mentally, I'm going through the same thing. Yes, I know that Adderall totally helps my thinking. Yes, I know that I am still prone to bouts of depression, mania, and agoraphobia. However, I've not really done everything within my power that I could to improve these issues. When I look at myself two/three years ago, I am amazingly improved, and I think that's really important. I remember not being able to think of a time where I didn't cry everyday. And you know what? My surroundings, the state of my life, the people around me, where I lived, what I was doing, THAT all had a lot more to do with my depression and emotional anguish. Yes, I am prone to manic depression and agoraphobia, but changing the state of my life did more the improve that than drugs ever would. Drugs, I fear, would more likely make me complacent in my then current state instead of giving me the oomph to change it.

I am one of those people that does tend to think that (oftentimes, not always) depression is a sign that you should change your life, not make yourself unnaturally satisfied with pills. The notion that "not finding joy in things you used to" is a tell tale sign of depression is bullshit. People grow and evolve. I should fucking HOPE that I don't get the same degree of enjoyment at watching Batman the Animated Series as I did when I was 19 year old.

Some acceptance is necessary, too. I'm OCD. I've got to accept that, because honestly, I'd rather find an environment when I an be as anal retentive as I like with my environment and feel comfortable and happy than try to live in dirty chaos and take pills to dull the anxiety I feel. And that anxiety I feel is what keeps me going to try and find the way to get to a place where I can feel comfortable. That anxiety gives me drive.

I think we are too homogenized. I think we are too unwilling to accept what we can and cannot deal with and develop out own coping strategies for these things, instead of beating ourselves up about not fitting into the cookie cutter emotional/lifestyle profile we feel we should.

All this being said, I'd probably never have gotten out of my hell of isolated living with my Aunt if I'd not started smoking weed again, which gave me the minor lift to not hate my life so much and the spring in my step that was needed to get me to walk out my front door. Also, having worked exercise and a relatively strict diet into my lifestyle, and having done what I can to help my physical ailments, I find that some ADHD help may still be needed, and plan on going to a psychiatrist in the near future for some chemical assistance.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-14T11:05:22-07:00

Just got back from my doctor appointment and I've been prescribed a tiny dose of Prozac to start off with and, after three weeks, we'll see about adding ADD meds. My doctor is super nice and was understanding about my reluctance about getting on meds, but damn if that wasn't still an anxiety-inducing visit.

I'll let you know how it goes once I'm taking the stuff regularly. Wish me luck.

Thanks again to all of you for sharing and inspiring.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-14T12:49:48-07:00

Best of luck! I'm glad to hear this thread is helping people out :)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-14T13:35:13-07:00

@ chiaslut - Good luck and hang in there.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-15T20:41:08-07:00

For whatever reason I've been avoiding this thread.

I had been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder but I quit my meds years ago because I couldn't deal with the withdrawal symptoms. My body acclimated to the doses too fast and I would get fall down dizzy. I struggle through it, which is probably a terrible idea.

This leads into the depression, in the late 90's I was just a trip to a store away from killing myself but I managed to crawl from my wreckage on my own. I dealt with it alone. It wasn't until this time last year that I was able to talk about it with anyone aside from my wife. It both helped and hurt. I managed to build a small support group of friends but I feel like I am a burden to them so I go back into my shell and I have been hiding again. It has been getting very dark and frightening lately. I cannot seem to succeed at anything and I sometimes just want to run away, which is pretty ridiculous for an adult. I don't even think 'success' will really help if I managed to find it but, I just want more than an hour of happiness at a time without judging myself and wanting a dark hole to sit, alone , with headphones, coping as I know that I can, which is probably the wrong response but sometimes I can't find the hugs that I need.

I think there is also fear that one day I won't be strong enough to stop myself. Putting this in words keeps reaffirming that I need to find some serious help and I may need to make some sacrifices to make it work, but I need to make some life changes to put myself in a place to recover. This failure/validation circle is one of the causes, I'm sure, of my issues. Then, sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-16T00:16:09-07:00

So yeah. I just got out of jail after a nice 40+ hour stint. Fun times. Not to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to toss out this little tidbit of advice: if you're going to partake in the glory of the US penal system, and you have a lengthy history of depression and suicidal ideation, yeah, go ahead and lie your ass off about it, because being on suicide watch is FUCKING MISERABLE.

Like literally, the official rules seem to be, "Oh, you're depressed? You've been suicidal in the past? K, we're going to treat you EVEN SHITTIER THAN WE NORMALLY TREAT OUR INMATES. Have fun!"

Despite clarifying during my initial medical screener that I am NOT going to hurt myself and that I just wanted to be honest about my medical history (which does involve a lot of depression and occasional self-harm, but the most recent example of harm was two years ago), I was basically thrown in a hole for two days, forced to strip down and wear a fucking wraparound blanket with velcro to keep me from self-harming, I wasn't allowed to shower or brush my teeth, and I didn't even get to make phone calls at one facility even though I had every right to attempt to bond out. Fucking FUCK this is how we deal with depression?

There's so so SO much wrong with the penal system in America, but this is probably one of the ugliest aspects of it. They deal with the depressed and suicidal by isolating, degrading and dehumanizing them. "For their own safety." FUCKING. GENIUS. Just... ugh.

(Disclaimer: I'm a tool and jail is never fun anyway so maybe I should just try to be less of a fuck-up and not get arrested for stupid shit in the first place but WHATEVER OKAY I HAVE ISSUES!)

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-16T06:22:19-07:00

@Doc Sorry, bud, that is one of the specific reasons I don't want to seek professional help.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-16T07:17:42-07:00

@ doc- Jeeeesus. Glad you're okay.
@beamish - hope you're okay, too. There's always plenty of hugs around this place. I'm glad you contributed to this .... obviously much-needed thread.
@chia - ibid. And I'm glad you're getting help and hugs and ...

Two things that have occured to me - one, this forum is somewhat of a god-send. It's gone from being Warren shouting at us and calling us all cunts and then not quite hugging us or apologizing but making us know he values us to .... whatever it is now. It's changed, is what I'm trying to say. I've formed relationships with people I've met here and I value the friendships I've made as if they were dipped in gold. For all my faults (AND THEY ARE LEGION), I've bonded with people who care about me through this place, some local, some half a world away. Virtual therapy on the cheap, okay but at least it's SOMETHING.

Second, I'd like to start with a quote from Grant Morrison. Speaking about "pop magic", he said - "Stalk yourself like a wild animal. Know all your faults and foibles, all the better to destroy them. Identify patterns and overcome them, defeat them, neutralize them." (I'm kinda paraphrasing, not quoting.) Well, one of the my faults is that I fear exclusion, crave acceptance but wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member. I have worked mightily to overcome and neutralize this somewhat contradictory neurosis but every once in a while, it comes back. Now, I have psychic tools, hand-made by my very own mind, to do the job and it's working. It works. If I can do it, so can you. Anyone can. Magic, in the end, is focused intent. And whatever works. If something doesn't work for you, discard it with no regrets and try something else.

You, all of you, can do magic. We all can. One day, we'll look back on this and laugh. Maybe not tomorrow and it may be mirth steeped in tears but laugh we will.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-16T08:28:43-07:00

@doclivingston - Yeah, the police's handling of someone with a history of suicidal thoughts is 99% about protecting their own asses, and only 1% protecting the detainee.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-16T17:55:37-07:00

@Beamish: Seek professional help anyway. It's worth it.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-17T08:03:05-07:00

Severe depression, anxiety, some personality disorder NOS (ie: I'm failing at self confidence and assertiveness in the face of adults, among other things). I've got some suicidal ideation issues, but I'm getting better with meds and my metric ton of therapies (I recommend DBT). I've been on different pills for about 10 years; for those who haven't been on them, they do NOT make you magically happy. They make it easier to focus and cope instead of going to panic mode. They are not a cure; they're part of treatment. Some people need 'em. I happen to be one- though therapy helps a lot too. A lot of my family thinks of my issues as an 'embarrassment' but at east they know they're real; and I believe hiding them away in the closet isn't a way to help someone get better, yaknow? There are a lot of issues with the current mental health system in the us- for one, I'm a bit pissed off that I didn't get serious help for my mental illness until I tried to OD. :P

Current crap's made my depression worse, but I think I'm learning to cope, and separate my crap from the external crap that's happening around me.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-17T13:02:16-07:00

I have to admit, I'm all for professional help lately. It got fucking exhausting dealing with my shit on my own, and giving in to asking for help from both friends and doctors has recently made my life notably better. I mean, it's not going to solve my problems for me, but it does give me the energy and support so those problems don't seem so insurmountable.

I'm really impressed with the lot of you, and wish you all the very best of luck.

@razrangel in particular - I said a thing to you in another thread about care-giving and its emotional toll. By living with him and listening to him, you're a care-giver for your brother, whether you think of it that way or not. It's wearying business, and I think you might benefit from looking into care-giver support groups. I can see how, when so much of your energy is going into your family, you could have a hard time getting motivated toward other projects. Sorry to pester, I'll shut up now, but I really think it might help you out to have people with similar experiences to talk to.

What's your Mental Illness?

2013-03-18T08:52:32-07:00

@Beamish - I agree with @rough night. Find a professional to talk to; one you feel safe with. Try a different medication. I just started meds for the first time ever a couple days ago, myself. If you feel like you're being a burden then you're probably less likely to reach out and sometimes that's exactly what we need. You've got my email and we follow each other on twitter, so if you ever need to vent or get scared or just need to chat, I'm there.

@doc - Fucking hell. This is one of the reasons I've always been scared to be honest about my mental health, even with my own doctors at times. Sorry you get such shitty treatment. Here hopin' things get better.