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  1.  (10999.1)
    I guess this is an informal poll of what stuff we struggle with.

    I have Depression, a very mild form of PTSD, and serious fatigue issues.

    What about you?
  2.  (10999.2)
    Depression, severe social anxiety, generalised everything anxiety and aspergers.

    I'm the life of the party! :)
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2013
    Depression, not sure exactly what kind. It can get triggered by a variety of things, but still hits me even when there are no triggers. Sometimes it just gives me the blues, sometimes "OH GOD I'M SO WORTHLESS!" woes, and sometimes if it gets real bad (which luckily is rarely, like years apart) my perception gets all fucked up and I start thinking the world is against me. Not in a paranoid way, like I'll think people are purposely leaving me out of things but in actuality it was an honest mistake.

    Inferiority complex, which either stems from or feeds into (or both) the depression. It got much better when I was in my late teens and I realized I could tell the world to fuck off, but occasionally it still creeps back.

    Starting to think I'm developing mild anxiety. My mom has it. It might just be normal stress but I feel like I freak out more than I used to about things. But would anxiety manifest itself this late? I remember my depression kicking in before I was even 10, so I dunno.

    Relatedly, depression an anxiety both run in my family, and I get the feeling my dad also has an inferiority complex. When my grandma visits he always gets all stressed and starts talking about how she always loved his sister more than him.
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2013
    Fun with social anxiety, depression, both of which seem to run in my family along with alcoholism. If it's a party, I'll be in the corner as I'm suspecting they may fill up fast.
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2013
    Depression, which grew out of some form of dysthymia. Got majorly exacerbated by my dad dying when I was 18. Had a bout of suicidal tendencies a number of years ago. Spent a week in a metal ward, all that jazz. I don't think I'm likely to return to that state, though. It's good to have a baseline where you can go "at least it isn't that bad". I tend to avoid hard labels around depression and the like because the experience is so subjective I have trouble trusting any sort of hard diagnosis. It's always hard to tell what's depression and what's just part of being human.

    I've tried various medications, but dislike the effect they have on my brain. They have a very subtle but noticeable effect on my ability to think with speed and clarity. Also tried various therapists, but inevitably, well, this:

    I have difficulty getting close to people. Never had a girlfriend, that sort of thing.

    Also, if I'm being entirely honest, likely some minor form of alcoholism. The never-drunk-but-always-has-a-drink-handy kind. Not a problem, but I do keep an eye on it.
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2013
    I haven't been to a shrink since 2004, but when I inquired, I got a kind of half assed diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder.

    I get social anxiety easily (which is funny, because I run events and have to do networking events at least once a week, and just generally have to deal with people ALL THE TIME), get down on myself over the most ridiculous things (but I wouldn't call myself proper depressed as I can usually shake it after a few hours) and occasionally hallucinate in ways that has nothing to do with my drug consumption.

    SPD is a weird classification in the DSM-IV because it fits into a lot of people who are just simply "odd" but the guy said I fit into it rather well and then prescribed me some anti-psychotics, so I guess he thought it was serious enough. I took it once and then never again cause it seemed like quite a bit of overkill. So I don't know if I trust the diagnosis and I really wish for things like this that it would be easy to just take a questionnaire and run a blood panel and get the results in 5-10 business days.

    Also have been/still am an alcoholic, but so long as I'm never as bad as I was when I came to accept that fact, I'll still keep touching the stuff.
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2013
    Depression (undiagnosed, but only because I haven't gone in and made it official) and some somewhat mild PTSD (I'm sort of a magnet for emotional abuse and one event in particular...).

    Have a social anxiety. Crowds and being crowded freaks me out and causes me to hyperventilate and take some time out (At NYCC I ended up punching one or two people out of panic). Don't like parties and being too much in demand socially makes me want to make excuses and hide. Best way to sum my social stuff up is the below comic.

    Low self-esteem and pretty low on the self-worth. Partly due to the above stated emotional abuse. Big factor for me is appearance (surprise! I was picked on a lot for that!), but also this fear that I'm just a joke to people. Various reasons for not telling me about it (ALSO dealt with that stuff a lot).

    The rest of it is here.
  3.  (10999.8)
    I have ADD and social anxiety*, and spent a few weeks in a mental ward as a kid. It was never really made clear to me why, but to be fair I was a pretty miserable and neurotic pre-teen. The mental ward didn't help, though - making a really good friend is what fixed that, slowly over time.

    I like my ADD personality** now that I've grown into it, and wouldn't trade it for anything, though starting on adderall has helped my work habits considerably without robbing me of the good stuff. It's the social anxiety that's the bitch. It comes with these intrusive thoughts that kind of grip me at random times to say that I'm an asshole, and here, have a sampler plate of failed social interaction memories to prove it.

    *Which is an awesome combination, by the way. The sheer number of poor impulse control related social memories that my anxiety has available to harvest for intermittent shaming is spectacular.
    **Though if anyone make one of those "look, a squirrel!" jokes, I will hire someone to piss on their front door.
      CommentAuthorCat Vincent
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013 edited
    Undiagnosed, but closest term would probably by schizotypy, scoring high on the 'unusual experiences' and 'impulsive nonconformity' scales. Very glad not to have the flat affect & anhedonia - makes worshipping my Chaos Sex Gods that much easier.

    Oh yeah, and some PTSD from childhood physical abuse (not familial).
    • CommentAuthormanglr
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013
    Depression - although I've found that a good exercise program and meditation help round the edges off of that a little bit.
  4.  (10999.11)
    Depression ( PTSD, maybe not really sure i'll explain in a moment ) OCD tendencies and lack of certain social skills ( hugely improved )

    Depression, maybe PTSD, this is in large part going back to when i was 12, my father was murdered, the next five years are a blur, i was lied to about it and with the growth of the internet (and a sister that wanted me to know the truth) i was able to piece together more info, my dislike of the man creates tension with my mother, in Ireland people die and become instant saints, this event lead to me being very quiet, untrusting and non affectionate teen.

    Raised by three women, i get along better with women, which has lead to me having a strong feminine side, which leads to people thinking i'm gay, school was also an odd one i wasn't bullied, my class was one that was two years combined of 120+ students that only 12 graduated from, which is a shocking statistic, and i beat those odd's as the only "goth/metalhead" kid, that the other students were told never to hassle ( by the teachers ) and the ones that knew my family history better where afraid to hassle me ( back to the father geting murdered and the funeral condolence book reading like a who's who of dublin's gangland ).

    My life was aimless, i wanted to do art, took a while but i got qualified in what i wanted to do, a few relationships along the way intimate and plutonic have helped me deal with things in my own way, i'm not fixed, doubt i ever will be, but at present i have a job i enjoy and i'm in a very happy long term relationship, my current mental state is good and will hopefully continue to improve.
  5.  (10999.12)
    Depression and OCD
    • CommentAuthorStefanJ
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013
    Maybe a touch of the Asperger's.

    Maybe a touch of the OCD:
    OCD Lunch
    Just a touch.
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013
    It's a lovely mix of generalized anxiety, agitated depression and ADD for me. (ADD bros fistbump with @rough night)

    I've never been on any form of regular medication, but I have used it to chill out during some bad and scary anxiety attacks. I'm actually considering some sort of regular medication for one or more of the above issues, but to be honest, I'm scared of it. I think it's mostly irrational, but the lists of side effects give me the heebie jeebies. At this point, I suspect that taking some sort of medicine for one or more of my issues would actually improve my life, but ...

    Has anyone here had this issue? What helped you get past it?

    I mostly manage my anxiety and depression with exercise and just being aware of it these days, but I have bad bouts from time to time. Currently battling through some gnarly (excuse my 80s SoCal roots) anxiety today. I feel like everyone knows what a fraud I am at work and are ready to kick me to the curb. Whee.

    @vandlehandle - I was mostly raised by women too. I only recently considered the effect it's had on me. I've had very few close male friends and the close friendships I have with women have caused strife in my relationships.
  6.  (10999.15)
    @ StefanJ - that pen isn't lining up with the edge of that paper. can you fix that please?

    @ chiaslut - I've been on the meds before and I didn't like it. I'm not anxious or depressed on them, I'm just kind of flat and feel nothing. I can't make art on them. I just changed my diet and work out at least 8 hours a week at the gym instead.
    • CommentAuthorDarkest
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013 edited
    Aspergers Syndrome. Not really much to say about it really, but if you ever wanted to know why I'm not so hot a communicating or interacting on here now you know.

    The positive is now that I've been on this planet for 25 years I no longer feel like the world and understanding is on the other side of a plate of glass. I think a writer or somebody said "right next to you but a dimension away."

    Had the jarring and terrifying experience of my first exposure to hate speech a few days ago:

    As a white male it was quite a thing for me to find out. Even though it wasn't directed at me personally the fact that people who I've never met would see me dead for having a different perspective. I was- still am incandescent with RAGE.

    Fortunately I have understanding friends and family and some great and infinitely patient teachers.

    But for all the progress I've made it just makes my sometimes failures that much more frustrating.

    That was a bit self indulgent of me.

    Thanks for putting up with me Whitechapel
  7.  (10999.17)
    Recurrent depressive disorder...
    Although, less recurrent of late, now I'm learning to keep the Bastard thing in its box.It's taken me 25 years though.
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013
    Dysthemia - mild depression, sometimes gets full blown, I count three bouts of near-suicidal feelings. Anhedonia - difficulty feeling good about things, a blankness, mehness. Rarely get excited or motivated no matter how much I'm sure I want something, it's extremely difficult to get up the motivation. I don't know what it's like to have a feeling of ambition, only the thought of it. When something good comes along it feels about as exciting as a red light finally turning green. (Oh but when a bad thing comes along, the screeching, grinding, hating FURY... oh my.) And when I do achieve something I find everything around it that's wrong, or I just want to shrug and walk away. IT took *Ages* to learn how to take a compliment, but I still rarely feel complimented.

    Suicidal ideation. Comes along when I'm stressed. Or just running around getting things done. Or feel like I made a mistake in front of others. Or... Anyway. I think I daydream about being hurt horribly or killed about as much as I day dream about getting my freak on. I think I turn to these because I can feel something then. I hate feeling numb, which also comes from stress, but the only way to pull out of it seems to be to indulge dark feelings.

    Social anxiety/exhaustion. I really want to be a happy person. Hell, I really want to be extroverted. My jam is out in theatre, among actors, in sound studios. And being all internal just doesn't work. Being negative kills everything dead. I see the positive people become charming and charming people get freaking everything. But I have to gear myself up to be out in that world and that takes extra energy. This is especially true when I'm headed somewhere I've never been before, among people I've never met before and then every ounce of energy goes into fighting the tension and the silence that settles on my tongue. I just can't dive in without knowing the lay of the land and that just kills me in an area of life that pretty much demands spontaneity. So when I fail, when I expend all of my energy and it still isn't enough, I revert to incredibly internal and hateful for being expected to come out and play still more. This fucking kills me in classes... when I don't want to play anymore but I have to keep going anyway I get super rebellious about doing the stuff I signed up to do. It freaks me out - what if I manage to get an acting gig but after a few days the anxiety kicks in and it's all I can do to keep from screaming "no!" at the director??

    I almost wish I had a touch of the megalomania, driving, relentless ambition. Anything to get me off my ass. I'm only good at wasting days.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013 edited
    @chiaslut - my mom's done well with managing her anxiety by taking her medication. She says it saved her life at one point. I know my partner's dad has a type of depression that just gets worse and worse until the person eventually commits suicide, so he actually had to take meds just for the sake of correcting the chemical imbalance in his brain so he wouldn't go and off himself at some point.

    So, i guess for them the getting passed the issue of taking regular meds was that their life was on the line, so, I can't really help with that bit, but I do know that my mom has been generally okay with hers and prefers to be on them. Otherwise she's just balls of anxiety attacks.

    @razrangel - while I do get feelings of excitement, I definitely know that feeling of lack of ambition. I get neat ideas and things but then never actually carry anything out.

    Also the suicidal idealization. I've never *seriously* thought of committing suicide, but the times I've fantasized about dying in different ways are countless and has been going on for as long as I can remember. ugh.

    @Darkest - sorry you had to see those kinds of things. Not much is worse than knowing people who don't even know you with you harm for something you have no control over. Been there, it blows.

    • CommentAuthorrough night
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2013 edited
    @chiaslut (fistbump - go team) Medication thoughts:

    Anxiety - I had a while, a couple years ago, where I was having panic attacks on a pretty regular basis. I gave up stimulants of every kind for a while (mostly caffeine) and between that, doing cardio exercise most days, getting a small Rx for Buspar, and learning some breathing exercises, I beat it. I'm still a jittery bastard in general, so haven't stopped taking Buspar, but did start drinking caffeine again after about a year of all that.

    ADD - There are several schools of ADD medication right now, and not all of them are stimulants, so there are more options than public perception suggests. Adderall is a stimulant, though, and that's what I take (so I had to give up caffeine again on days I take it. sigh). Aside from a rise in my blood pressure, and a little chest tightness that got fixed by taking a little more Buspar timed along with my Adderall doses, the bad side effects have been minimal. One good side effect is that my mood is up. I had a pretty rough patch late last year, and starting on Adderall was unexpectedly helpful there.

    There are a pile of side effects listed for every medication, but you can't pay that stuff too much mind. It'll just freak you out (especially us anxious types) and potentially give you placebo side effects if you do give the brain pills a try. Everyone experiences this kind of medication differently, and you can only see for yourself what side effect bonus package you win. You can always stop taking it, if it sucks.

    Oh, and the grapefruit thing - that's actually serious business. Don't eat grapefruit if you start taking meds that tell you not to. It has some weird chemical that vastly increases the potency of many medications.

    edit: Sorry for the late edit. Just fixed a clarity thing.

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