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    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
    I've got the ADD, depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and a low self opinion, man. Diagnosed and treated (Concerta, which was a fucking godsend, Zoloft, which makes my prick work erratically, and therapy, which I just started).

    I'll read back through when I have a minute, but I want everybody in here to keep going. One foot in front of the other, and y'all can contact me if you need an ear.
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
    You guys are inspirational.

    No really. I made an appointment to talk about meds for my various issues with my doctor. Pretty nervous about it, but I think I'm currently only enduring and "getting by" and I wonder if my life could be better or, dare I hope, good if I try medication for ADD, anxiety, depression, etc. It's only taken me decades to work up the nerve. Thanks, all.
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
    but I think I'm currently only enduring and "getting by" and I wonder if my life could be better or, dare I hope, good if I try medication

    This is about where I am right now.
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
    @chia and dork, same here.

    Currently I need to keep myself mentally active in order to avoid going in to stray thoughts which almost always go towards something depressing (Either about certain people, or a sudden "awakening" moment of clarity where I look at my shitty work/living situation). For the most part lately my work days have been such that I'm arriving in the office at 9-10am and getting home at around that time. I'm usually always doing something to distract and I recently started realizing that if I'm going to get ANY sleep I need to push myself to be as exhausted as possible at the end of the day or else I just stare at a ceiling.
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
    Getting close to hair-tearing-out, living with my Oldest Brother. OB is schizophrenic and with it comes delusions and paranoia and odd reactions to the meds he takes. Long ago without the meds he would write things down on a pad to make us read because "they" were listening and he would tell us with a straight face that he had permission to carry out God's will, violently if necessary. That was long ago. Now he walks around the house stomping for an hour or more at a time because he can't help it. He writes long meditations on religious reflections and how there is no such thing as getting sick, only failing to be happy and rails day and night against my parents' deeply instilled traditional Catholicism. When my sister and niece comes over he's taken to literally screaming so he will be heard than sis's attempts to discipline her daughter (who has been caught lying about not having homework) are evil and will drive the girl to use drugs and ruin her life (the kid is 10).

    If he weren't my brother I wouldn't tolerate this bullshit. If he weren't sick in the head I wouldn't try to excuse it. Without the diagnosis and blood relation, he's a motherfucking shitty asshole.

    But I do live with him and I do deeply believe in love as the answer to all things. Now I get why people sometimes feel like God tests their faith. My commitment is definitely being tested, and I'm definitely failing.

    Intellectualizing as I do, I study my own reactions and find they're not wholly different from when people encounter other folks who live different, act out self-expression differently. And I end up thinking I'm not being patient/tolerant and I'm just being bigoted. He says he can't help it so taking it on directly won't help. But I'm seriously tired of this horseshit.
  1.  (10999.6)
    I look at it like I do with buying a new camera. I had a sony cybershot, and it wasn't the best camera, but I used it until I was confident that I was taking the best possible photographs that crappy little thing was capable of. Once I hit that point, then I paid to money to upgrade and get a proper DSLR. Once I know the thing inside and out and know that I'm becoming frustrated not with my own limitations of how to handle the camera, but rather, the camera itself, then I know I need something more.

    In the same way, I think making sure I've pushed the boundaries of what I am capable of myself is really important to do before I turn to pills. I do this with my pain-health. I have shifted my diet and my lifestyle as much as I possibly can, and stayed off pain pills for over a year, making sure that it really was outside my control from any other avenue of possible solution before I went back and asked for medical assistance again.

    Mentally, I'm going through the same thing. Yes, I know that Adderall totally helps my thinking. Yes, I know that I am still prone to bouts of depression, mania, and agoraphobia. However, I've not really done everything within my power that I could to improve these issues. When I look at myself two/three years ago, I am amazingly improved, and I think that's really important. I remember not being able to think of a time where I didn't cry everyday. And you know what? My surroundings, the state of my life, the people around me, where I lived, what I was doing, THAT all had a lot more to do with my depression and emotional anguish. Yes, I am prone to manic depression and agoraphobia, but changing the state of my life did more the improve that than drugs ever would. Drugs, I fear, would more likely make me complacent in my then current state instead of giving me the oomph to change it.

    I am one of those people that does tend to think that (oftentimes, not always) depression is a sign that you should change your life, not make yourself unnaturally satisfied with pills. The notion that "not finding joy in things you used to" is a tell tale sign of depression is bullshit. People grow and evolve. I should fucking HOPE that I don't get the same degree of enjoyment at watching Batman the Animated Series as I did when I was 19 year old.

    Some acceptance is necessary, too. I'm OCD. I've got to accept that, because honestly, I'd rather find an environment when I an be as anal retentive as I like with my environment and feel comfortable and happy than try to live in dirty chaos and take pills to dull the anxiety I feel. And that anxiety I feel is what keeps me going to try and find the way to get to a place where I can feel comfortable. That anxiety gives me drive.

    I think we are too homogenized. I think we are too unwilling to accept what we can and cannot deal with and develop out own coping strategies for these things, instead of beating ourselves up about not fitting into the cookie cutter emotional/lifestyle profile we feel we should.

    All this being said, I'd probably never have gotten out of my hell of isolated living with my Aunt if I'd not started smoking weed again, which gave me the minor lift to not hate my life so much and the spring in my step that was needed to get me to walk out my front door. Also, having worked exercise and a relatively strict diet into my lifestyle, and having done what I can to help my physical ailments, I find that some ADHD help may still be needed, and plan on going to a psychiatrist in the near future for some chemical assistance.
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
    Just got back from my doctor appointment and I've been prescribed a tiny dose of Prozac to start off with and, after three weeks, we'll see about adding ADD meds. My doctor is super nice and was understanding about my reluctance about getting on meds, but damn if that wasn't still an anxiety-inducing visit.

    I'll let you know how it goes once I'm taking the stuff regularly. Wish me luck.

    Thanks again to all of you for sharing and inspiring.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
    Best of luck! I'm glad to hear this thread is helping people out :)
  2.  (10999.9)
    @ chiaslut - Good luck and hang in there.
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2013
    For whatever reason I've been avoiding this thread.

    I had been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder but I quit my meds years ago because I couldn't deal with the withdrawal symptoms. My body acclimated to the doses too fast and I would get fall down dizzy. I struggle through it, which is probably a terrible idea.

    This leads into the depression, in the late 90's I was just a trip to a store away from killing myself but I managed to crawl from my wreckage on my own. I dealt with it alone. It wasn't until this time last year that I was able to talk about it with anyone aside from my wife. It both helped and hurt. I managed to build a small support group of friends but I feel like I am a burden to them so I go back into my shell and I have been hiding again. It has been getting very dark and frightening lately. I cannot seem to succeed at anything and I sometimes just want to run away, which is pretty ridiculous for an adult. I don't even think 'success' will really help if I managed to find it but, I just want more than an hour of happiness at a time without judging myself and wanting a dark hole to sit, alone , with headphones, coping as I know that I can, which is probably the wrong response but sometimes I can't find the hugs that I need.

    I think there is also fear that one day I won't be strong enough to stop myself. Putting this in words keeps reaffirming that I need to find some serious help and I may need to make some sacrifices to make it work, but I need to make some life changes to put myself in a place to recover. This failure/validation circle is one of the causes, I'm sure, of my issues. Then, sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it.
  3.  (10999.11)
    So yeah. I just got out of jail after a nice 40+ hour stint. Fun times. Not to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to toss out this little tidbit of advice: if you're going to partake in the glory of the US penal system, and you have a lengthy history of depression and suicidal ideation, yeah, go ahead and lie your ass off about it, because being on suicide watch is FUCKING MISERABLE.

    Like literally, the official rules seem to be, "Oh, you're depressed? You've been suicidal in the past? K, we're going to treat you EVEN SHITTIER THAN WE NORMALLY TREAT OUR INMATES. Have fun!"

    Despite clarifying during my initial medical screener that I am NOT going to hurt myself and that I just wanted to be honest about my medical history (which does involve a lot of depression and occasional self-harm, but the most recent example of harm was two years ago), I was basically thrown in a hole for two days, forced to strip down and wear a fucking wraparound blanket with velcro to keep me from self-harming, I wasn't allowed to shower or brush my teeth, and I didn't even get to make phone calls at one facility even though I had every right to attempt to bond out. Fucking FUCK this is how we deal with depression?

    There's so so SO much wrong with the penal system in America, but this is probably one of the ugliest aspects of it. They deal with the depressed and suicidal by isolating, degrading and dehumanizing them. "For their own safety." FUCKING. GENIUS. Just... ugh.

    (Disclaimer: I'm a tool and jail is never fun anyway so maybe I should just try to be less of a fuck-up and not get arrested for stupid shit in the first place but WHATEVER OKAY I HAVE ISSUES!)
    • CommentTimeMar 16th 2013
    @Doc Sorry, bud, that is one of the specific reasons I don't want to seek professional help.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeMar 16th 2013
    @ doc- Jeeeesus. Glad you're okay.
    @beamish - hope you're okay, too. There's always plenty of hugs around this place. I'm glad you contributed to this .... obviously much-needed thread.
    @chia - ibid. And I'm glad you're getting help and hugs and ...

    Two things that have occured to me - one, this forum is somewhat of a god-send. It's gone from being Warren shouting at us and calling us all cunts and then not quite hugging us or apologizing but making us know he values us to .... whatever it is now. It's changed, is what I'm trying to say. I've formed relationships with people I've met here and I value the friendships I've made as if they were dipped in gold. For all my faults (AND THEY ARE LEGION), I've bonded with people who care about me through this place, some local, some half a world away. Virtual therapy on the cheap, okay but at least it's SOMETHING.

    Second, I'd like to start with a quote from Grant Morrison. Speaking about "pop magic", he said - "Stalk yourself like a wild animal. Know all your faults and foibles, all the better to destroy them. Identify patterns and overcome them, defeat them, neutralize them." (I'm kinda paraphrasing, not quoting.) Well, one of the my faults is that I fear exclusion, crave acceptance but wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member. I have worked mightily to overcome and neutralize this somewhat contradictory neurosis but every once in a while, it comes back. Now, I have psychic tools, hand-made by my very own mind, to do the job and it's working. It works. If I can do it, so can you. Anyone can. Magic, in the end, is focused intent. And whatever works. If something doesn't work for you, discard it with no regrets and try something else.

    You, all of you, can do magic. We all can. One day, we'll look back on this and laugh. Maybe not tomorrow and it may be mirth steeped in tears but laugh we will.
  4.  (10999.14)
    @doclivingston - Yeah, the police's handling of someone with a history of suicidal thoughts is 99% about protecting their own asses, and only 1% protecting the detainee.
  5.  (10999.15)
    @Beamish: Seek professional help anyway. It's worth it.
  6.  (10999.16)
    Severe depression, anxiety, some personality disorder NOS (ie: I'm failing at self confidence and assertiveness in the face of adults, among other things). I've got some suicidal ideation issues, but I'm getting better with meds and my metric ton of therapies (I recommend DBT). I've been on different pills for about 10 years; for those who haven't been on them, they do NOT make you magically happy. They make it easier to focus and cope instead of going to panic mode. They are not a cure; they're part of treatment. Some people need 'em. I happen to be one- though therapy helps a lot too. A lot of my family thinks of my issues as an 'embarrassment' but at east they know they're real; and I believe hiding them away in the closet isn't a way to help someone get better, yaknow? There are a lot of issues with the current mental health system in the us- for one, I'm a bit pissed off that I didn't get serious help for my mental illness until I tried to OD. :P

    Current crap's made my depression worse, but I think I'm learning to cope, and separate my crap from the external crap that's happening around me.
  7.  (10999.17)
    I have to admit, I'm all for professional help lately. It got fucking exhausting dealing with my shit on my own, and giving in to asking for help from both friends and doctors has recently made my life notably better. I mean, it's not going to solve my problems for me, but it does give me the energy and support so those problems don't seem so insurmountable.

    I'm really impressed with the lot of you, and wish you all the very best of luck.

    @razrangel in particular - I said a thing to you in another thread about care-giving and its emotional toll. By living with him and listening to him, you're a care-giver for your brother, whether you think of it that way or not. It's wearying business, and I think you might benefit from looking into care-giver support groups. I can see how, when so much of your energy is going into your family, you could have a hard time getting motivated toward other projects. Sorry to pester, I'll shut up now, but I really think it might help you out to have people with similar experiences to talk to.
    • CommentTimeMar 18th 2013
    @Beamish - I agree with @rough night. Find a professional to talk to; one you feel safe with. Try a different medication. I just started meds for the first time ever a couple days ago, myself. If you feel like you're being a burden then you're probably less likely to reach out and sometimes that's exactly what we need. You've got my email and we follow each other on twitter, so if you ever need to vent or get scared or just need to chat, I'm there.

    @doc - Fucking hell. This is one of the reasons I've always been scared to be honest about my mental health, even with my own doctors at times. Sorry you get such shitty treatment. Here hopin' things get better.

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