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  1.  (11026.1)
    The Rules:

    The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

    1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

    2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

    3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

    Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

    Begin.
  2.  (11026.2)
    No Fun

    Story of my sodding life. The weather is crap. No snow, just really cold and dreary. I decided not to let it beat me; I also wanted to do at least one thing this weekend that wasn't a frantic and largely futile attempt to keep on top of work. So I drove down to the sea, Hayling Island, for a stroll on the shore and to take some bleak seascapes. All very well. Then I knocked the tripod over and smashed my lens. I'd been really stupid and taken the skylight filter off it, which was dirty, thinking I wasn't really going to go far and I had nothing to clean it with. And so blam. Instead of a cheap filter to replace, the lens is totalled. Front element is fucked. I paid £200 (added it to my already large debt mountain) for it and had it all of six weeks. Thankfully the camera is OK, but this kind of shit seems to happen to me every single fucking time I get off my arse and try and do something useful? Whether it's mending something, creating something, whatever, I end up messing up. And I never seem to learn/have a run of good luck… Nobody died, but, just for once, can't I manage to stay expensive fuck up free for a while?

    That follows my windscreen randomly breaking on Friday - insured, but £70 excess. And we have no shower, and no cold tap in the bathroom. To run a bath, one has to run the hot, and carry jugs of cold water from the sink to cool it down.

    In the real world - that Richard Littlejohn/Daily Mail thing. Cowards, bullies, scum. Really, really sickened and saddened by that.

    Real Cool Time

    My daughters are beautiful and smart. Stroppy, demanding, but beautiful and smart. Easter means 4 days off work. If I can get through the next three days without killing someone, I might get the chance to catch my breath.

    I Wanna Be Your Dog


    From the predecessor thread - @Rachael - fingers crossed for a diagnosis… clarity would be good…
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2013 edited
     (11026.3)
    Boo: Been a while since I checked in to one of these. Well, the store I've worked at shut down at the end of February so I'm jobless but hanging in there somehow. That boss used to have three stores open at the same time and we were cookin business wise, then ended up with one and now it's over but shit happens. I'm a fuck up so I can only hope to find work in a warehouse or some shit. At least I will get to build muscles from lifting heavy shit and not pay a gym. The salesman thing was okay for a while but I can only smile through my teeth at gross people for so long. I'm trying to be more of a simple man these days. Like the Skynard song. All I need is in my soul :P

    Yay: I don't know, haha. The only things keeping me happy lately are still creating art and mainly supporting indie wrestling. The shit on Monday nights leaves me numb and cold, but stuff like Chikara fills with this fucking joy and appreciation I haven't felt in a long time. It's a blast to be supporting it and I hope I can do art for their dvds one day! Hmm. Also I got my weight down to 156-159'ish which is a long ways away from when I was 187 not very long ago! I've been through this maybe twice before so this time I plan to stay in health nut mode since I ain't getting any younger.

    Plawz: Oldhat - Glad you got through that encounter without letting em see you weak. I haven't seen an ex for over ten years, I've played scenarios in my head but after so much time I'd probably just be nonchalant about it. Or go home and scream into a pillow, who knows.
    Roo - Glad you're safe. Hate that you have to deal with that kind of stuff =[
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2013
     (11026.4)
    Let's see...

    On the down low:

    This endless winter has really sapped my enthusiasm. I grant you it's not really all that cold in the UK compared to other places, but it's the end of March and it should at least be looking a little like Spring by now.

    I'm still plugging away on my iOS game, but I'm barely getting more than a day or two of work out of myself per week because I'm feeling so utterly apathetic. I had a bit of a think about what might be wrong, and it seems to come down to this:

    I don't have any ambitions anymore. When I was a kid, going through school, I wanted to be a games coder. Everything I did at college and then university was based around that goal. I graduated, became a games coder, and then spent the next 14 years making videogames. Games that sold pretty well, games that won awards (I have two BAFTAs, well, as part of teams 100 strong, but still...). Then I got made redundant.

    The problem seems to be that I haven't found a new goal. Making a game by myself doesn't seem to be getting me going like I hoped it would.

    On the up:

    I still have plenty of time to sort myself out though. My redudancy package was extremely generous, so I'm pretty much funded to fly solo for at least another year. I don't expect to take quite that long to work out what I really want to do next.

    Also: BioShock Infinite is amazeballs. Proof that this generation of gaming can still spring the odd wonderful title amongst all the cloned mediocrity.

    To you all:

    Stay strong, we will weather this endless winter together!
    •  
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2013
     (11026.5)
    THE LOOK THAT SAYS "UH OH"

    My job is a soul-destroying piece of shit. My immediate supervisor is okay but all he does is complain about the higher ups. So does everyone else. I keep my head down, do my work and go home.

    Home is pretty wretched, too. I'm usually skint (see above) so I don't really go out anywhere, like, ever (nowhere to go, anyway. Nothing that interests me in the slightest. I used to be exciting, fun, a bon vivant, life of the party. I used to paint the town red. Now I'm lucky if I can muster up enough energy to catch the bus. I usually can't.

    Anhedonia - the inability to feel pleasure. (It was the original title of Annie Hall but execs made him change it.) Everything I used to be passionate about is now dull, gray, useless. My "creative pursuits" (HA!) have stalled and I've no real interest in reviving them or working towards accomplishing anything. And yet, I must. But what's the point?

    I have seen contemporaries of mine excell. People who are nowhere NEAR as talented as me and ooh, look! They're doing this, they're all about that, they have another book coming out. All I get are lies and pipe dreams and sketchy charlatans exploiting me. If ONE MORE PERSON offers me a "great gig, no money, though" proposition, I fear I'll do some damage.

    AND I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE WHISTLE AT ME AS IF I'M A FUCKING DOG, EXPECTING ME TO COME BOUNDING OVER, ALL TONGUE AND WAGGING TAIL. (I was being SARCASTIC there.)

    I just want to light things on fire. Anything, as long as it burns.

    SILVER LINING!

    (... uh oh ... there's that look again ... )

    Anger is good for my writing. So far, I've produced some real fucking quality. And I like the fact that I can metaphorically punch the audience in the face repeatedly as HARD AS I WANT and nobody gets actually hurt. (Except the audience.) The real bonus is that once I'm done, all those cunts will eat their fucking hearts out and trip all over themselves to try to be my friends. At which point, I will certainly light them on fire.

    TO Y'ALL - No personal responses, I'm afraid. Just a blanket I LOVE YOU and a sincere promise not to light any of YOU on fire.
  3.  (11026.6)
    The Yay: I got a job again, finally.

    The Boo: I FUCKING HATE IT. Back to being a temp tester employed through a staffing agency, so my pay is crap, I get no benefits to speak of, I'll eventually be working completely silly hours when crunch hits, and I get to utilize very little of the skills or expertise that I have gained and/or honed over the past seven years of working in the industry.

    Additionally, I am testing the latest entry in a franchise that I actively despise (which means that if I manage to work there long enough to get promoted out of QA, I'd likely spend the rest of my career making additional entries in said franchise and hating every minute of it. Though more likely with the way things are going in the industry, this particular franchise's bubble will likely burst in a year or so and I'd get laid off when the publisher closes the studio), and the tools provided are woefully inadequate, resulting in an excessive amount of the kind of busywork testing that I spent the better part of four years arguing, and (imo) proving, was needless (they also don't appear to utilize any form of automated testing at this particular company, which would save a lot of people a lot of time and energy. If I had a devkit I'd maybe be able to set up some automated controller tests on the Xbox 360, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, we don't test on devkits. Even though the newest ones are significantly cheaper).

    Thirditionally: A lot of the testers (and at least one of the leads) I'm working with are displaying the kind of lack of technical knowledge or even curiosity that drives me nuts (because I feel that's the kind of attitude that will keep video game QA ghettoized as an 'unskilled' job) and will almost certainly result in me regaining my reputation of being kind of a smug superior asshole merely because I actually read the bits of the SDK and API documentation that were pertinent to TCR testing at my last job and thus kind of know how stuff works (inadvertently started to lay the foundation for that today, unfortunately).

    So I'm not feeling that this particular job at this particular studio is the best fit for me. Luckily, it appears that another local studio is hiring QA Testers as full time regular employees, not temps (at least according to their Twitter person when I asked. Will clarify that if I get an interview, but it seems likely considering the requirements in the job listing and that nowhere in the listing is the position called out as temp/contract/via another corporate entity), and I used to work with their QA Director when he was a lead and later an associate producer at my last company. So I'm going to apply there.

    Hugsplauseration
    @Flabyo: Man, I hear you on the 'trying to be an indie dev' thing. I feel confident in saying that your unfinished iOS game is almost certainly way the hell better than my unfinished Android game (which is itself on indefinite hold until I can commission an artist and/or find the time to wrap my head around the wi-fi direct APIs).
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeMar 30th 2013
     (11026.7)
    @David - thanks for the support, it means a lot. It sounds to me like your ideal job would be as an SDET rather than a tester. Only the bigger companies have those unfortunately though.
    •  
      CommentAuthortexture
    • CommentTimeMar 30th 2013
     (11026.8)
    Haven't done one of these for a while, so here goes.

    THE GOOD

    The job(s) have settled down into a holding pattern now, and the last of the steady pay-cheques I was waiting for materialised today, meaning financially, the pressure's off, at least until June. God, June's not far off is it? Shit. Anyway... The first few months of working for the paper left me no time at all for anything else, but now I'm settled, I'm writing fiction again, writing beats and writing lyrics. That's after a day in the office writing journo stuff. So I'm doing a lot of writing, and when I'm not doing that I'm teaching literature and creative writing. Creatively and professionally I'm making progress, slowly but steadily, towards my goals. The novel is at third draft stage (taken me since August 2011 to get here, from notebook to (I hope) final draft). The next album is about 50% written, and it's a transatlantic collaboration I'm v. excited about. I'm also getting to travel a lot - commuting and travelling by train makes me very happy, as I like to work on the train, and love being on the move. Seeing new cities makes me happy. Manchester was exciting, am revisiting Bristol in May, Ferropolis and Berlin in Germany in July...

    THE BAD

    I still really relate to what mister hex is saying about creative pursuits, though. I'm lucky enough to have had a break in journalism, and some of the bands I've helped promote are going great guns. But as a rapper/performer I still can't get arrested in my home town, and gigs have been few and far between, in tiny venues, with the same ten friends showing up (for which I'm hugely grateful), and the same lack of interest from any crowd of people I see. People I've collab'd with are doing much better. My stuff does well online, but live and in my town, it's exactly what hex said. Play for free, expect to be grateful.

    I don't even get invited to do the big poetry nights any more - fair enough I took a break, and turned down a few spots, but now I'm almost persona non grata. That kind of sucks, as I was a mainstay of that little scene for several years. What's more it's now got a 'buzz' from newspaper articles, blogs; there are folk getting booked for festivals. It's just weird to see bands I've worked hard for get press and attention, and nights I set up get praise in the press, and I get no mention, no credit and no bookings out of it.

    I think to make a success of creative pursuits you have to do three things - the first is network, and get on with people you have no respect for, and you know are only into your friendship/conversation for their own benefit. That's tough, especially for a depressive type,paranoid, who always questions people's motives... and that's me to a tee. BUT if you can do this without becoming one of those people, you're onto something. The second thing you have to do is 'give the people what they want' - pander to people's expectations, don't touch controversial topics EVER unless you're preaching to the choir, and always do your best, most appealing stuff at big gigs. Don't make waves, don't try new shit. Thirdly, you have to do just ONE thing. I think some of what puts people off me as a performer, a person and a promoter is that I do many things. I'm a poet, a journalist, a fiction writer, a rapper, a label-runner. That makes people uncomfortable. If I'd picked one, I'd be succeeding at it, maybe. I refuse to pick, so I remain a perennial outsider at all of them.

    Also because I am an antisocial bastard who would rather speak through a screen.

    To conclude the above bleak, cynical, probably deeply mistaken rant above, I'd like to offer the thesis that if you do creative shit "for the love" and refuse to stop, no matter how many obstacles you encounter, or how long it takes, or how little recognition you get, and simply never fucking compromise, then sometimes, just sometimes, the world comes looking for you. Just keep churning it out. Don't stop. That's my approach anyway.

    BIG LOVE

    To @mister_hex for your troubles, keep kicking against the pricks

    To @chris_g I am a huge fan of your art, Chris. Sitting hear wearing my Space Shark shirt right now. Keep on, man. And congrats on the weight loss.

    To @everyone I am still here, reading your posts and laughing, sympathising, generally going SQUEEE, even if I don't post much in here any more. Love to you all.
  4.  (11026.9)
    @Flabyo: the problem with me being an SDET is that every time I've seen the position listed it requires a B.S. in Computer Science 'or equivalent experience,' and I'm a college dropout and I'm pretty sure the programming I've done doesn't meet the 'equivalent experience' requirement (I've only made one tool from scratch that worked, and it was mostly re-purposing an existing API demo. I'm pretty sure I can figure out some other ones now, but I'd need a devkit, an up to date SDK, and to be left alone for a few hours/ a couple of days to do it).
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeMar 30th 2013
     (11026.10)
    vv - I have no money, no love and no alcohol. Pitiful. Just sad. There's no where to run while thinking about how much I suck. I mean, I know the easiest and best way is to confront the feeling and ...I dunno...wave my hands at it until it goes away. But I'm better at running, because I really have no idea how one makes the thought go away. It's not that really bad depressive thing (thank goodness), but I look around and I've just got a mess of a life and I'm carrying around more weight than I need to and I'll never be able to get rid of it and all the fucking Dove commercials are never going to make me think all this flab is a good look for me and the breasts do get in the way and if another man tells me that no, they're good and I should never wish them small, I might just punch that sumbitch. I don't think I'm a good catch so I don't get caught, ya know? and I don't check to see if anyone would want to either, because why would any one want to? And I don't have any money leads and it's getting seriously a bit pinch-like, since you need money to make money. And fuck at this point I would just die for a glass of zin.

    All of this takes time, and luck, and just going at it again and again. Trying to find paying work. Auditioning or applying again and a-fucking-gain. And hitting the gym over and over. And being patient because I have so little control over the food I eat, so denying myself crappy food is all I got, I don't have any options for actually good food. And the dating game? Oh fuck me, if I could just accept being celibate & alone.


    ^^^ - Despite the whining, it's actually been very good over here in razrangel-land. Nothing materially great - that would gainsay the above - but lovely internal motion that keeps the above from being overwhelming. Mostly.

    And it is seriously internal, having to do with my spirituality and faith. Writing anything out that regards it starts to feel weird - as I say, friends an associates are presumed atheist until professed otherwise. So talking about spiritual revelation and inner calling and the like get uncomfortable when I feel like it's either going to be skimmed or ridiculed.

    But I can tell you one funny thing - I've been assuming society called middle age as starting from one's mid-thirties till about 60, maybe 65. I've been assuming I am middle aged, I can't call myself young or anything like that. A couple of days ago, though I was corrected pretty thoroughly, AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVAR. I *totally* fucking felt like I gained another ten years on my life! (Yes I know they were always there, shut up.) I realized that I wasn't stuck with thinking of my 20s as a waste and now I only had my remaining middle age to create the main thrust of my life.

    I still am kind of annoyed to think that I wasted my 20s. and I didn't even waste them in a fun way. Usually people mean drug use and meaningless sex, and yes there was some of that, but not enough to create waste. I wasted my life in an office instead of pursuing my calling in theatre & performance and I wasted time (though I'm loathe to admit this because I want to be romantical and shit and say no one in my life is/was a waste but...) with a guy(s) when I knew we were just having fun and weren't going to move in any serious directions.... But, as I wrote then, it's fantastic that I'm not done yet with the foundational work of my life. I'm not stuck with the last draft! I'm still writing my prologue! YES! It's stupid how wonderful it felt to realize that.

    <<< OUR CLASS: My theatre company's kickstarter is stalling out and we're running out of time. (Other people have gotten the embed to work here, but I never have so fuck it.) And it's kinda of freaking me out. But other people don't seem panicked. But it's scary. It was set up before I could say anything about Indiegogo and keeping all the pledged funds even if the goal isn't met.... ARgh. The show opens in a week, if we don't have the funds we have to start all fucking over again and in a state of utter and complete panic. Grah. Other business-y thing about my company aggravate me and...again... it feels like I'm the only one who is aggravated until the shit goes down and then everyone starts running around crying about shit that's broken and I'm standing around going "I've been telling you for months that it's going to break!" *grumble*

    >>>> You fab people, you. You've no idea how much I admire you.
    @Mister Hex, thank you for not setting me on fire. Much appreciated. I normally refuse work that doesn't pay unless...I want to do the work. For I am whimsical. But I ain't going to pay to work, and that exactly what I'm doing when I have to put out the money to put gasoline in my truck and food in my belly while on the road, just to get to the fecking theatre. At minimum give me gas money or piss off. (Unless I really like you or your project. But I probably don't.)
    @texture YES on the three things, and their drawbacks. You work your art like it's your very own baby, spoiled by your own hands and loved and supported until you could puke. And then you go see about selling your art and you have to drown the baby in a bathtub and tack up its drying corpse to the wall just so people can sniff and say "didn't we see something more interesting next door?" Love it. It's an artform unto itself, learning how to sell your shit. I won't stop.
    @David Sorry this gig is not the gig for you. At least it's supposed to be easier to find other work when your working? Ugh. *hug*
  5.  (11026.11)
    The good
    I fucking love the project I am working on. I returned to tv editing full time about 6 weeks ago, and last week started in on a web series/sitcom. Scripted comedy. And it's good. Not perfect by any means, but it's one of the best things I have every worked on, and I'm determined to do right by it, and make it even funnier then how it was written.
    Also, I'm going to build a fucking spaceship
    I've got my own webseries to make, and it requires the cockpit to a spaceship and DAMMIT, I am going to be building one in a 7-8 weeks.
    (I can't build shit, but Greasemonkey gave me some solid advice and I've roped in some one who knows what they are doing to help me)

    The Bad
    Money is tight as all hell, with property taxes due this time of year. BUT fuck it, I'm going to be building a Spaceship!

    The (predictably titled) ugly.
    @hex....lets have that whiskey already. I've become a poor homebody myself, but for you I will trek out to your place and bring forth some intoxicant. I've cleaned out my liver (4+ weeks without a drink) so I'm ready to get back into the swing of things.
    @everyone....I've been away too long, but thank you for sharing. I love this place, I love your openness, and I can't give you any meaningful advice other then to say, attitude is everything. I've hated my job, I've hated my cashflow and I've cursed about it. It did shit all to improve the situation. Look on the bright side, even if all it changes is how you feel. That's enough. That's everything. (It's really fucking hard, I struggle with it, but it really is everything) Mad love to you all. Honest to god, you people kept me sane when I hated pretty much everything. I'll love this place forever for that.
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2013
     (11026.12)
    @David - I think there's an MCSE you can take that might help on the qualifitcation front for SDET roles. To be fair, being in test for a long time counts as relevant experience to me, and you don't lose anything applying for roles after all...
  6.  (11026.13)
    And so it continues

    Easter. Have four days off. First weekend in ages that I haven't had to seriously worry about paid work, can take a proper break (and yeah, I've spent a huge amount of time sleeping). Photography has been a bit frustrating, yes, what with breaking stuff, and the weather so let's try music. Fire up my sequencer, and what's this? All the audio drivers are corrupted. So reinstall everything. OK, we're ready. Hang on, my plug ins don't work… try reinstalling. Nope. OK, we'll carry on without them. Let's have a synthesiser? No that plug in doesn't work either. Try another… wait - where's the keyboard? Nope - the midi drivers for that have gone. Reinstall those and reboot the computer? No - no avail.

    So I give up and come back to it in the morning. Still no midi drivers. Maybe it's the cable? Unplug that try and remove the usb cable; and the electric radiator falls off the wall and knocks a whole bunch of other stuff over. Still. I get the keyboard working by moving the cable to a different usb port. Then the drum track loses all volume randomly. I can't work that out. And then something on one of the usb ports decides to randomly beep as if it's just been plugged in. I spent loads of cash and time sorting this damn machine out and I had it all working properly and I leave it for a few weeks and it just disintegrates.

    WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Am I channelling the warring spirits of Laurel and Hardy? Can I blame it on being left handed? Do I go and join a zen monastery for a few years? I leave things for a bit, come back to them when I've calmed down, and it all still goes wrong. I can't remember a time when things were different. Yeah, still, noone died, but I'm becoming very frustrated and very bitter. I've got so little time and energy in the first place, what with ridiculous day job, insane commute and four kids, every bit of time I can spend on creative pursuits is really precious, but I can't even record a note of music any more without hours of dicking with gear and by the time I get things working I've lost all inspiration and am so worked up and jaded I can't carry on.

    Better...

    Found a replacement lens for £150. Not bad. Still a tragic waste of cash though. Good a really good annual review at work, which I wasn't expecting.


    Luurve...

    @ Texture - I'm reading your last para and thinking, 'no, you're right, don't stop...'. One day, things will work...
    @Raz - I wasted my twenties in a fog of booze and self destruction, and most of my thirties trying to figure out where I'd gone so wrong. Oddly, it may have been my office job that kept me with some semblance of an anchor. Now I'm looking at 40, I'm finding a new confidence and (slowly) a new optimism. I spent a bit of time thinking 'am I middle aged'? and concluding that I don't actually care that much what artificial bracket I fall into...
    • CommentAuthorSteerpike
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2013
     (11026.14)
    Doug McClure:

    Current meds make it difficult for me to go to sleep, have other side effects - but deal with my anxiety. Being off meds means I just want to sleep all the time and I become a raging asshole. Not looking forward to another round of 'Guess which meds work the best while sucking the least?' Also, got estimate from body shop for repairs to my car, $1800 before insurance.

    Peter Cushing:

    Last week of online writing class, and while it needs a LOT of reworking and fleshing out, I have a story structure for what I"ve been calling The Goddamn Story for a year or two now. A non-train-resembling light is visible.

    Barbara Steele

    @David: One of my housemates got QA jobs with just DeVry and Army Signal Corps training, I think. I can ask him if he has any pointers.
    @Everyone: Keep on keeping on
    •  
      CommentAuthortexture
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2013
     (11026.15)
    @JP & @Razrangel - That was a bit of a cynical, bitter, naive rant on my part. The other side of the story is how lucky I am to be able to share my art, at all, with anyone and I am grateful every damn day. But thank you for responding. Keep selling them girl scout cookies, I will too x
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2013 edited
     (11026.16)
    Fucking Honesty:

    These past few weeks have been a killer, they really have. I'm not much good at putting things into words, but I'll give it a go. When I'm on my own, my head goes to some pretty bloody horrible places, but when I'm sometimes around folk I've just been getting irritable, angry, stupid and generally just acting like the fool I am. People tend to think I'm a funny fucker, which doesn't really help when your having a panic attack of the soul and you feel like your dying inside.

    (Gods, this post is riddled with mental illness!)

    My mind will not shut the hell up - it's like I've got Joe Pesci in there calling me a degenerate fucking fuck, some pretentious, big-nosed, intellectual arsehole calling me a stupid idiot other times, and people from my past who've got their shit together dissing me etc. These, and other inner critics, just want to send me back down the well-worn path of self destruction. Motherfuckers, I'm at war with my own head!

    I dunno; sometimes, I utterly despise my humanity and think it's all just a big joke. This can be real dangerous, as I've got no real fear of death at all. And I'm not a goddamn superhero, just a fairly humble man trying to make it through the day without adding anymore shit to this messed-up world.

    I'll try to add something good to this later, but I've got to go out to drink coffee and smoke yet more cancer sticks. Sorry to break format, like.
  7.  (11026.17)
    Dark:
    It's been snowing. Apparently the weather didn't get the memo that winter was to get the fuck out.
    My brain's been osculating between various asshole, depression thoughts, and occasional sparks of creativity. Meds can't touch the season. I really miss spring/summer/plants. I miss plants. I usually hate plants....
    Stepdad's in grumpy mood, as is mom. I feel like a failure around them. Like even just breathing--- I'm near them and I'm SURE everything I'm doing is somehow wrong in ways I will NEVER fathom, and I just wait for them to pounce. Even on days they don't it's there...
    Sometimes I have panic attacks if I'm trying to rest and hear my stepdad upstairs. Just ...this horrible feeling of terror that makes me shake and shake until it passes.

    Light:
    We had a day with sunlight. I felt good then. I've started a new art project. I've got good internet friends and coworkers who try real hard to help me through this shit, and I'm grateful for them. Moving to the basement's been a mixed bag, but at least now I have a place to create.

    @Flecky- Seems like this time of year makes any type of mental illness an asshole to deal with. :P Lotsa hugs your way, and hoping your brain stops being an asshole to you soon.
    •  
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2013
     (11026.18)
    WINE IN THE MORNING

    Easter Monday. Today, in 1917, the third battle of Ypres began. The battle that included the taking of Vimy Ridge, a point of pride for Canadians. (Germans took it back a month later but oh well.)

    The weather is shit and I have to work tonight. I'M TIRED, I'm so tired I can barely see. I'm almost broke again. Cut up my hand making dinner yesterday. I do not like pain. Everytime I get it, it hurts. The house still smells like fucking turnip.


    BREAKFAST AT NIGHT

    Had a lovely dinner - turkey, mashed potatoes, lovely, lovely. Made my signature pasta chicken dish as well and still have some left-over and guess what? It's even better cold than hot. I have to say, I've had to become a cook and I quite like it. I enjoy cooking. I am fearless in a kitchen, even though I know practically all of my skills need serious upgrading.
    Perhaps I'll take a cooking class or something. In any event, I look forward to cooking more and I honestly never thought I'd say that.

    My girlfriend attended dinner and my friend dropped by as well. Saw my favorite uncle. Much laughter and frivolity.

    Also, have a new project. (An old project revived, actually, which is even better.) and new passion for it. Bounced it off a couple of people and they went "WHOA. Really? That sounds AMAZING." Now, I just have to put one foot in front of the other until it's done.

    BEGINNING TO SEE THE LIGHT
    @flecky - Silence the inner critics. At least throw a mental blanket over their heads. Then it's just stupid murmurs of stupid critics from under a blanket. They don't have the courage to look you in the eye because they don't exist.

    @jp - keep on truckin', man.
    @Peter Kelly - Awesome! My girlfriend lives in the High Park area. We should totes have a dinner party, soon!

    @all- How does it feel, to be loved?
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2013
     (11026.19)
    @flecky, I definitely know how you feel, man. Being alone on my own is like locking me in a room with my worst enemy who was raised to hate me since birth.

    But hey, fighting those voices like we've got nothing to lose gives us an edge. Stay strong and take down the bastards.
  8.  (11026.20)
    The good:
    work has decided to not explode and put me out on my ass, apparently making what my team does more visible was what was needed. My boss still continues to undersell all of our work, but hey, we don't need him. Apparently the internal message board, three chords and the truth are what we need.

    There's a woman. Wow. I can happily blame the Love Swami for this. This is- mind blowing.

    The Bad:
    My Annual review is now put off possibly until next year. Possibly no cost of living raise. Damnit, i kind of had plans for that money. But, as a company, we are putting on our grown up pants, so this is a good thing long term.

    For WhiteChapel

    Winter can only stay so long. Hang in there my friends. It's a fucker, but we've survived worse. Summer will be here soon and we will all be back on some sort of track.