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    • CommentTimeApr 2nd 2013
    @JP It's funny, last week I would have totally said I didn't care about my age, I had to do what i had to do. There's never been a point in time where I thought one was too old to try something new; people get to try to reinvent themselves any old time. But the difference between being young and being middle age was one of chutzpah and a belief in one's own limitlessness and experience and perspective (and an increased awareness of mortality). When I called myself middle aged I actually felt more under the gun to get shit done because there is a very real, literal deadline coming up. I also gave myself nearly-appalling room to indulge the ego and sense of superiority, knowing that I'm no young idiot whippersnapper who doesn't know shit about shit. I know some shit dammit! I have the scars, damaged hearing and limited lung capacity to prove it.

    But realizing I'm not technically (well, definitionally) middle aged gave me a new lease to feel like my prologue isn't done. I'm not done writing my opening; I'm not stuck having to live my life in view of everything that came before. Which kind of goes against the idea of reinvention, but that's what it really feels like when you're 36 and have been living with your parents once again for the past few years. I dunno, I guess it's kind embarrassing that I was so affected by realizing that I wasn't yet middle aged.

    @texture - I try not to think of it that way, and I try to find the artistry and joy still in getting to practice my art for commercial uses, but it's narrow work. When I was copy writer there was a kind of a joy in finding the right word to meet some really stringent demands. That was my art. But in the end the purpose of what I was creating was to sell so many widgets, not destroy and recreate the English as I sometimes wish I could do when I write for myself. In going into voice acting, and especially in focusing on commercials first, I have to acknowledge that I'm doing what I rather tried to avoid when I was studying acting back in school. Back then, and now, I'd rather push the boundaries of the art and discover expression and have a fucking moment with an audience. The plan was never to grin and spit out some horseshit about the best skin cream for that rash. But dammit, I'll do that too (and I'll do it bloody well, thank you) and I'll be fucking ecstatic to get paid to act. *shrug* That's the gig.
    • CommentTimeApr 3rd 2013

    Rapidly approaching burnout. Three major projects finishing up in three weeks. Had a project finish up and go gold, then had four days from there to get a demo ready for GDC, and then had to put together a pre-alpha in five days where the client's request was to have "everything working". Um, hello? You just asked me to make the entire game in a week. What the hell do you think the alpha, beta, and the next two months of development are for? Did I mention I was the only programmer on all of these projects? Yeah....

    It's not that I can't do the work. I can. I'll put in the hours to make sure the project is good. I just can't maintain this pace.

    Sleep is all over the place. On weekends I'll sleep for thirteen or fourteen hours, and weekdays I'll sleep for maybe 6. Tonight I managed to get to bed early and went to sleep, but then was wide awake by 2 AM. Maybe I'll be able to squeeze in a nap before I go to work? Today is going to be rough.

    Not shit:

    Still making games for a living, which is the dream. Still making games in my spare time, though I probably shouldn't tell my employer that.

    The other:
    @flabyo and @davidlejeune: Indie high-five! Yeah! Just keep plugging away, you guys. Maybe this game wont work out. Maybe the next one wont work either. Maybe not even the one after that. But you'll get there eventually. Never give up! Never surrender!
  1.  (11026.3)
    No No No No No:
    How much can I complain about work? Infinitely, apparently. Same with exhaustion, bad time management, not getting shit done, spending too much and not having enough money. Wash, rinse, repeat. My self control really isn't what it should be. I'm worried that the new meds are wearing off. Then again, staying up too late and then having to wake up early is certainly making things worse so... yeah. My mom has been dealing with some stress at work, especially with her boss (and my mom and sister both work at the same place as I do, but all in different departments, thankfully). She's also worried about money and not getting the counseling she needs because she can't afford it. I know I'm not responsible for my mom's emotional well being, but all the problems she's dealing with still can get to me. My sister had to move out of her efficiency, and moved into my parents house - which is good for both her and my parents financially, but it also means that the room that I had mostly-moved out of is now hers, and I still haven't removed all of my stuff yet. Considering that trying to keep my apartment organized and clean is a struggle as it is, this is a new level of holy shit how am I going to do this?!? And I really can't blame anyone but myself, since a)I've been in my apartment for over a year, and b)they actually asked my permission for her to move into that room (which they really didn't need to, but very thoughtful).

    I have way too much stuff, and I want more and what the fuck is wrong with me?!? Uggggh. So yeah. I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the things that I should be doing and only some of it is actually happening. Add to that the general self loathing/body issue (not losing weight like I'd like to be, wish I was prettier (which is kind of pushing the current minor obsession with makeup) so on and so forth. Um, and winter is taking waaaay too long to go away.

    Yes, Please:
    I had a bunch of days in a row of too much going on and not enough sleep and that is finally fucking past. Catching up on sleep is sooooo good. It's starting to warm up and I'm trying to happy about the inevitable mud because mud is better than the endless snow we've been having. Got tax refunds, which is making my bank accounts less cringe worthy. Starting a new creative project that should be a lot of fun - a mermaid quilt. Already figured out the general layout and have a thumbnail drawn for the main panel (I plan on photographing my progress, so hopefully it will make sense then), and I'm doing it at a church lady quilting/crocheting/knitting meetup thing, so I should be able to get it done, on account of having a designated time and place to work on it. Might even get some drawings/art out of the process. Things seem to be getting better at work for my mom (at the moment) so she's not as stressed out as she was. The little that I have been learning via the makeup thread and the videos suggested etc is making me feel less inept with that sort of stuff.

    Also, my birthday is coming up, so inevitable plans for funtimes are ahead. And I bought some things online as gifts for myself, and the one that I'm most excited about is pre-ordering The Knife's new album. I have a feeling I'm going to be listening to it nonstop for the new couple months. I almost feel sorry for my family.

    Everyone Else:
    @JP Carpenter: Sorry to hear about your financial troubles. And breaking things troubles. Wish I could help. :(

    @Flaybo & Rootfireember: I wish I didn't relate so much with the winter stuff. It's starting to warm up here so maybe it will warm up good and proper by y'all too?

    @Rootfireember: The way you describe living with your family is a bit worrying, and I'm hoping you can get out ASAP. You clearly don't feel safe at home. You've mentioned some options about moving out before, and I hope that you are getting somewhere with those.

    @razrangel: I think you can get to where you need to be. I think you're a harder worker than you know - all the effort you put into theater stuff is evidence of that.

    @Morac: I suppose you can't tell your client that sleep is something you kind of like need to function and that they need to give you time to actually get shit done? I hope you're being paid super good for that work, because that's just nutters.

    @everyone else: Y'all are pretty awesome and I do read every post in this thread. Hugs for all!
    • CommentTimeApr 4th 2013 edited
    The cream has curdled:

    - Office is closing down at the end of the month and we're all starting to throw shit out and get ready for the rest of the things to be moved. Bummed that I'll be pretty much out of a job by the end of the month and so far haven't gotten any callbacks on the jobs I've applied for. Looking beyond beer jobs now in to retail jobs, which I don't really mind, I just need a JOB that will pay for crazy things like rent on a future apartment. Still. Overworking at the office, getting in at around 9am and leaving at Just getting home with enough time to change in to night clothes and eat a small meal before passing the fuck out.

    - Getting frustrated with the site. I don't know. The Ontario beer scene is starting to both bore me and piss me off in regards to how much of a little club it is and the overall industry outrage towards big beer companies vs. little ones makes me just want to shut my computer off and walk away from it all. I have a couple of posts planned, but think I'm going to take some time to just fall in love with beer again. This means tastings, reading some books by passionate people, and working on a personal project...normally I would say "homebrew" but since my last beer turned out undrinkable and my confidence has wavered I think I'm going to try my hand at making a Zine. We'll see. Kind of wish that I was raised in a small Belgian town where the only thing going for it was the local Abbey's brewery that the whole town pitches in to help with, then I could have one of those "Going back home to find my roots" moments, but instead I'll settle for the things I mentioned along with going to some bars that excite me. Tried a beer that just made me smile yesterday, so it DOES work (Bière De Miel Biologique by Brasserie Dupont in Belgium. Lovely organic saison made with honey).

    - Tasting I was going to lead for a fundraiser has been cancelled. Well, the whole fundraiser was cancelled. The reason was a good one, but was still bummed out about it, as I just got confirmation last week that the beers I suggested (including one seasonal that isn't even out anymore) were going to be there.

    - Depression back in full force, for a variety of reasons, but the most recent being the huge amount of work I've been doing. Crying for no reason, going numb and completely blank on commutes to and from work and locking myself in my room to stop me from doing/thinking stupid shit. Books, netflix and video games are helping.

    - Weight loss is going very poorly.

    - Not eating much. Not because I don't want to, but because lately anything other than bread, water and coffee has been destroying my stomach. Going to see a doctor about it soon, since I'm pretty sure a bowl of cheerios (which I just ate) shouldn't cause me to reach for pain meds.

    But the honey is fresh:

    - Was given a raise for my final month here at the office and with the arrival of a few client cheques, this week will feature bonuses. Also will be getting hired to do photos for another music artist, who likes my stuff and was referred to me by some satisfied clients. So hey, money in the bank. A small portion is going towards a new hairstyle and a dress for the Juno Awards this month.

    - Picked up Relish, the new comic memoir of Lucy Knisley, one of my favourite creators.

    - Running is going well. I can now easily hit the 5k mark, but am going to lower it to about 2-3km runs so I can progress a bit better. Beating my records.

    - Have some pretty awesome friends who know to keep poking at me.

    - Learned about my Great Grandmother on my Mother's side, who was head cook for a doctor's family in a townhouse somewhere in England, got married at the age of 30, was tough as nails and was famous for her bear hugs. Mom told me that I'm very much like her, which gave me some good perspective and optimism. Also learned that there was a portion of my family that were all practically giants so NOW I KNOW WHERE I GOT IT FROM.

    - Going to a spice store this weekend to take part in a cheap class on how to preserve lemons and use them to make some kick-ass Moroccan dishes.

    And together we shall feast and be merry:

    Firstly just wanted to say thanks to the folks who responded to my bit about running in to the ex. I'm still feeling pretty good about it.

    @Morac, Totally get what you mean by approaching burnout. Do your best to sleep when you can and shut that brain off when you're not working. Hang in there!

    @Roo, really hope you get the fuck out of there soon.

    @Trini, You are damned beautiful. And I grok you on the need for STUFF thing. Going through a bout of that meself.

    @Everyone, Stay healthy.
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2013

    Last day at my current job.


    May have gotten my boss's stomach flu.


    Hugs all around.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeApr 6th 2013 edited
    I...I...*sigh* You know when you do a massive post, only to find that your no-longer signed in, and it's lost. Gone. Freaking dead. Upside down in an inch of water. No longer worthy of hassling humanity. And your shoulders ache from baring your soul onto a keyboard.

    Oh well, it's all part of the game. I'll try later.
  2.  (11026.7)
    Flecky -- Whenever that has happened to me I've always gone with the assumption that it's something that I needed to type out in order to sort it out a little in my head but it wasn't meant to be shared with the world just yet.
    But yeah, feels horrible when that happens...
    • CommentTimeApr 6th 2013
    The Bleh: I'm finding myself having to pay an enormous goddamn tax bill, after some shenanigans that were beyond my control. I was pissed about it at first, but now I'm just resigned to getting it over with. Because of that, I wasn't able to see my kids for their spring break, so now I'm looking at sometime this summer, if I'm lucky. It's been far too long and my levels of frustration are getting ridiculous.

    The Whee: I've found myself a fella. One that I find myself wanting to be exclusive to. And given my carefree and non-committal approach to relationships these past several years, I'm at the same time exhilarated and terrified.

    The Squish: @flecky: I've broken things when that has happened to me before.

    @oldhat: Depression is an asshole. I have my own battles with it, so I understand completely what you're dealing with there. You're more than welcome to talk to me whenever you're having a shit day. In fact, I highly encourage it. Sometimes talking to someone, getting those thoughts outside of your own head, keeps it all from eating you up inside.
  3.  (11026.9)
    @oldhat: Thanks. Wish it was easier to believe on a regular basis. Sorry to hear the depression is not leaving you alone. You sure you can't just make a point of scheduling an hour every other week or something for therapy? Even just once a month? What would it take for you to get access to a therapist?

    @dorkmuffin: awww get well soon.

    @Dextra: oooh a fella! Best of luck.

    Lots of stress, including inability to find my phone until too late. (Actually, my mom found it for me.) The sad irony was that it was somewhere I looked twice. How did I not see it? Winter is refusing to go away and that is a little rage inducing. I am so fucking sick of the snow. Boss that no one likes is going to be at work tomorrow, so the stress will be more. My mom is continuing to have problems with her boss, to the point that she's looking for other work. It probably shouldn't be a surprise that my boss and her boss are pretty much besties at this point. Also, it seems that someone stole my credit card number. Lucky me, the bank caught it fairly quickly.

    Working on a creative project and getting my mojo back. The prints that I have been waiting for have finally arrived. Aside from losing my phone, today and yesterday were actually really good days. Aside from work, this coming week should be lots of fun.
    • CommentTimeApr 6th 2013
    @Dextra, Thank, really. And yeah, getting the stuff out helps a lot. Here and my journal are pretty much the only places I feel safe venting this stuff (with the odd facebook post too).

    @trini, as someone who constantly feels like a blob monster, I know how difficult it can be to believe it. But you are beautiful. :) As for therapy, the timeframe may get better once I'm unemployed and looking for work by the end of the month. As it is right now, My work days are 10am-9pm with the clinic that has free counsellers open only on weekdays from 10-4.30.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeApr 7th 2013
    RASSAFRASSA - WHY IS IT NOT WARM? WHAT THE FUCK, PLANET?! Jesus, if this keeps up, I don't KNOW what I'll do. Seriously, weather. Do me a fucking favor, man.

    Oh, by the way! They're renovating my work for the next eight weeks! Bang crash, dust everywhere, odd smells of construction and stuff. Wretched inconvenience, at your fingertips! And since everyone in management is an idiot (or worse), there's no way it's going to go smoothly. And it's being done for basically no purpose at all. Couldn't have taken all that money and given me a fucking raise, couldya? No, couldn't do THAT. Fuckers.

    Depressed? Sure, I guess. When I bother to feel anything at all, I guess you could call it depression. But whatever, it's been worse, way worse so it's not really even worth commenting on, y'know? Like a wound that's been bleeding for so long, you'd miss it if it stopped.

    I want my mommy. But she's dead. I miss her so much.

    I'M HARD TO KILL - ... I AM. It's never as bad as all that. Let's see ... the Ladyfriend situation is amazing. We're going to her house in Quebec next weekend. She's excited about a five hour car trip with me. She loves to drive so I don't have to. I'll meet all her friends there and have I'm sure a marvellous time. VERY much looking forward to that. Plus, I'll get to have sex in a different province! (I don't think I've ever done that.) It will increase my powers exponentially.

    Things are actually firming up on my creative project. Ultra-low-budget feature. People are starting to commit. The money's even getting together. We'll see but I'm cautiously optimistic.

    Yeah, my powers ... see, here's the thing. I've been goofing around with some kinda something, not quite magic but more just noticing things, watching out for signs. It's hard to explain but it seems to be working. I know it sounds crazy but I don't care. Gotta go with what works, eh what?

    @oldhat - aw, honey. I wanna hug ya. Anytime you need anything. ANYTHING> We gotta all get together soon. This summer's gonna be one long barbecue, baby. Let's see what Ian and everybody can do with meat over an open flame! The halls of Vallhalla shall tremble with envy at the charred feast upon our groaning board!

    @flecky - I hate when that happens. Keep going, chum.

    @trini - get that mojo workin'!

    @dextra - y'all is awesome. Keep bein' awesome.

    @the community at large - I feel honoured to know you all. I will all of you all the best. RIGHT ON.
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2013 edited

    I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it really doesn't look like it's a train this time. This month is very very lean financially, the most lean in a year or so, but not so schedule-wise. It was only today that I realised that in the end of April the second big clump of Stuff that has plagued me for years is going to get solved, and that's mostly it for the stuff I want to change and fix in my life. I'll get my schedules sorted out so they actually feel human and doable, which really hasn't been the case in a handful of years. Additionally I'll get a clump of money that signals the breaking of the back of a financial slump that has plagued me for the last 1,5 years or so. Finally and properly.

    All this coincides with my birthday. \o/

    Yesterday I realised that what has set this spring apart is that my CPU load has been on almost steady 100%. Not much more, and certainly not less. Haven't felt neither absurdly overworked nor bored and aimless. I don't really remember this sort of calibration happening ever for any appreciable time. A big thing here is the awesome free time with Adventure Girl - so far this year we have managed to spend one day without really doing anything (except for just a little bit of geocaching, so little it really doesn't count ;)

    Also, I'm really starting to enjoy the day job, it's actually fun to go to the office to meet all the awesome challenges, and I really like the team I'm working in. This also is far from given. I has a tentative, somewhat suspicious happy.


    This month is lean indeed. Trying to figure out ways to get through it without having to ask for pal-loans. Doesn't look doable, but trying to find more stuff to sell.

    The book is progressing, but too slowly - there just is no time or energy for writing in the evenings, with the side job I still have to do 'till the end of the month. After that, things will change.

    In the dive school there's some annoying potential drama brewing, something I've would've really wanted to live without - have something in my life just fun, exciting and free from extraneous bullshit. No such thing in this world, though. I'm also getting a bit stressed out about a navigation exam I have to pass in a week or so. Haven't even opened the book yet, and since this is "organised" by independent associations and clubs, I'm finding bloody fucking impossible to find out what do I actually need to study, and what happens at the exam. If I don't pass it, the next chance is December. The problem: I should graduate in October, and this is a requirement. Also, no money for the study materials, nor the exam. Sigh. April can't end quickly enough.


    @Flabyo & DavidLejeune: Have you been thinking about change in scenery? Up here in Commie Reindeerland we have this largish gaming company that's hiring pretty fast...

    @Roo: From all that I've heard, the faster you get out of your home and into a more healthy environment, the better.

    @Morac: Uh, do what you can to steer clear of the burn-out. It's never worth the troubles it can and will cause...
  4.  (11026.13)
    Hello fellow bipedal mammals!

    Good/bad together: I had an opperation in my naughty bits and my appendix- it was glued to my intestines and my ovarie and the other side of my intestine was glued to my uterus all cut free (had polyips cut out from insides and outsides) took me awhile to recover but I CAN HAVE SEXYTIME WITHOUT PAIN!! that is happy. I'm broke as hell but doing ok. my jobbage is day job of doom its there and annoying
    @Dextra you know if the fella doesn't treat you wonderfully he may have all of whitechaple after him ;)
    @oldhat You are awesome and an alkemist with beer- waiting for the oldhat brewing company
    @dorkmuffin feel better hun
    @trini_naenae i blame faries- there has to be an explanation looking directly at it in the place it ends up being and it only shows up after you've looked everywhere else.
    @Morac i have full and total empathy- hopefully you can let loose and relax when things stop eating your soul
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2013
    @Bunny - Oh no worries, there, dear. If that happens he'll have ME to deal with. Batbitch ain't just a costume, y'know.

    And he knows beause he's one of us. :D
  5.  (11026.15)
    Used some of my tax money to get me a little nexus7 to replace my 3g kindle which has been a bit on the fritz for a while, and amazon's been all 'uhm.'re out of warrenty and we're confused' about it. It came yesterday, got it mostly setup for this, that and the other things, and am enjoying it.
    Also started drawing again. Fairies, demons, monsters, fun stuff for something I'm working on.

    Fell down and went boom on the ice and cement walkway while taking little puppy Brian out potty today. Now look like I was beaten. har haar. It'll make talk therapy awkward tomorrow (I can just see it now: No, honestly: I really DID fall!). Mom wants me to write a letter to the court about the thing with the stepdad and how I just want the thing t o be over/ no vengance or whatever. I said I'd think about it. honestly I'm not sure there's any point to me doing anything at this point. Living in the basement isn't perfect. But I CAN tolerate it... and I have to be making progress on the wait list right???
    Still feeling a bit cruddy from the bronchitis; but the cough is going away, and I have no problem eating (yay).Hopefully it'll FULLY go away soon and my sinuses will stop freaking out. Feels like I need a faucet in my skull...

    Overall, I'm feeling fairly positive, if not fairly tired.
    I'm still kickin, and loving my second job.

    Hope healing from that operation goes well. Sounds like quite the internal ordeal! Take it easy while you can!
    @vorn- this is gonna sound wierd but my situation doesn't feel that bad at the moment. Just wierd/normal. Guess I've normalized it or whatever. Hope the money issues get fixed and you can do more diving again.

    Glad your bank caught the credit card thingy! AND hugs. Also hating the winter staying, here. Too bad we can't sue Mother Nature. :P
    • CommentTimeApr 11th 2013 edited
    @Rootfireember: There is seriously a snow storm going on outside right now. Bad enough to close highways. So so deeply wrong. And thanks!

    @Comicbookbunny: Friggin' Fairies! I may not believe in the existence of the little buggers, but am happy to blame them anyhow.

    @Vornaskotti: Angry Birds is Finnish? Cool. I'm crossing my fingers for you that things keep going in the direction of better instead of worse.

    @oldhat: Yes. Thanks. (You're beautiful too!) Of course, the terrible vain part of me wants to fish for compliments, the shame. Is it possible to talk to your management and get an hour and a half off a month (or whatever) to get the counseling? Since it is a doctor's appointment, they should let you do it. Or you know, any other job you might be working at.

    Edit: Because tired me isn't very clever.

    My mom almost quit her job due to the abuse she was dealing with, and just as she was about to turn in her two weeks notice, her boss did a 180 and decided to actually work things out. It's very nice to not see my mom in tears every time she talks about work. My birthday is tomorrow (well, an hour from now), and there are fun things to be happening over the weekend. I'll be 28, and this one seems more significant than usual. Maybe it's the 10 years past 18. Maybe it's something to actually look forward to considering the level of suck large portions of my life has been lately. I try hard not to think about what I expected at 18, because that obviously did not happen, and probably won't ever happen. But for what I am wanting to accomplish now, by 30, I am generally on track, and I think I can live with that.

    Self Control is going to shit. Work annoys me more and more, and my patience for the level of shit I put up with work is fading every so quickly. The one job potential that I know of, that I finally am breaking down and applying for (I think), is a huge risk and might just fuck everything up. The depression is winning half of the time. The meds that are helping me with my energy levels isn't helping me like it used to, I think. Stress and overwhelm is making a mess of me.
    • CommentTimeApr 12th 2013
    WICKED PISSER: Got my medicines straightened out--turns out I was drinking entirely too much caffeine with my Concerta, and my doctor all but dopeslapped me. I'm on green tea now, and I feel really good.

    NAH, GUY: My dad goes into surgery the week after next to have a cancerous lobe of his liver removed. Prognosis is good, but surgery isn't to be fucked with.

    ALLA YEZ: @oldhat-Bad ancestors are awesome. My dad's doing genealogy work, and a whole sept of my family (despite being Yankees...nashty) were all adventurers. ADVENTURERS
    @dex: Good news! Make him some Goth Girlfriend meme pics once you're sure you won't send him packing.
    @Bunny-It's good when you finally have an explanation for, and a solution to, a physical problem. GO GET 'EM TIGER
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeApr 15th 2013
    WONDERFUL UPDATE - Had a wonderful time. Incredible. Can't wait to go back.

    WRETCHED UPDATE - Have to go to work, I guess? What do I care? LADY-FRIEND. As in Mostest Awesomest.

    I'm officially TAKEN.

    @roo - Glad to hear things are somewhat better. We love you. I agree with the general consensus - ya gotta get outta there.
    @ Bunny - World needs moar hats, s'il vous plait.
    • CommentTimeApr 15th 2013
    I'm from Boston. My family members and friends (many of whom live within a few blocks of the explosions) are okay. My friend who was 75 yards away is physically unharmed, despite being understandably shaken up.

    Holy fucking fuck.

    Happy first day at my new job to me.
    • CommentAuthorMrMonk
    • CommentTimeApr 15th 2013
    @dorkmuffin - I'm glad that your family and friends are OK, especially the lucky one.