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    • CommentAuthorAnopheles
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2013
    @Roo: Yay!

    I've recently started an internship for a children's educational activities book and boardgames company. If they like my illustration and design (and so far they do), this will lead to paying work on a long-term basis.

    My girlfriend got hired as a company's graphic designer, and this is hopefully the financial stability she needs to move out of her crummy place downtown and come move in with me! The next month shall be interesting...

    My personal art work has been edged out due to time constraints and artistic malaise, but I'm hoping I'll shake it and get back to it.
    • CommentAuthorhank
    • CommentTimeApr 26th 2013
    The Bad:
    I feel like a fake at work, and that the net is closing. Despite people who would know saying otherwise. I'm working on expanding my knowledge and credentials for the what feels like inevitable axing. Grain of salt: It frees me up to be somewhere other than the DC region which is a cesspool of stress and lack of open spaces/open highway.

    The good: Fantastic:
    I'm in the airport. Waiting on my plane to go visit Dextra. This makes me happy in ways I have not been in a very long time. Also: it is the first leave the house vacation since Thanksgiving (us) 2011.

    The Iridescent:

    @oldhat: man, you keep getting body blows, but you keep going. I have other friends (I assume we are kind of friends,) in similar situations and it feels like a generation got fucked by virtue of their birth time. Hang in there.

    @all of you: Keep inspiring each other. Great shit comes out of here and the world needs that. Keep checking on each other, the world needs more of that too!
  1.  (11026.3)
    @texture - the call centre thing wigs me out, and I think that essay was a great take on it. A few years back, I did some knowledge management work with a call centre that ran the customer helpline for my company. I'd been there a few times and our unit always seemed quite civilised and decent, it was in a closed off part of the call centre with a low ceiling and had about 120 agents in it. Then, one time, one of the managers offered to take me on a tour of the building. She took me up to the mezzanine, and in one glance, I could see the real scale of the place. To me, it was like that birth scene from the Matrix. There were little cubicles and people as far as I could see, probably a thousand seats, stretching out into the distance and the noise was incredible. The place was as big as an aircraft hanger. I felt physically sick, I'm not good with open plan offices anyway, the one I work in is bad enough, and this horrible, antfarm vision scared the living daylights out of me. I spent the journey back from the North in a state of existential despair. I'm not being melodramatic - it really, really bloody got to me.

    @doc - Jesus, that's awful - best wishes to you.

    @argos, oldhat -ugh… I'd hate to be looking for a job now, the market is just awful. the overqualified thing - I don't know, maybe sometimes it's meant as a 'sorry we're not going to hire you but we'll try and let you down gently with a sort of (admittedly hackneyed and crass) 'compliment' because we can't give a better reason' thing? It must be quite hard thinking up excuses, and the number of applicants per job must make it soul crushing on all sides.

    @roo - sorry to hear about your family troubles, hope you can stay strong through it.
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013 edited
    @oldhat, Argos

    Yeah, I kind of get in that someone doesn't want to hire a double masters dishwasher for a steady gig, which they'll probably leave right when they want something else, but I'm also following a situation where someone is getting those "you're overqualified" comebacks about 3-6 month temp jobs with as close to zero prospect of continuity as can be. Does. Not. Fucking. Compute.
  2.  (11026.5)
    The sad thing about the "overqualified" problem is that I know heaps of people with more than one degree who will only ever work menial jobs. The fact that they're capable of higher level reasoning does not make them emotionally equipped to deal with the Machiavellian backstabbing politics in academia or the private sector. The jobs to which these "overqualified" folk will supposedly abscond are never going to be available to them.

    Just give the poor Medieval History majors the dishwashing gig, for fuck's sake. They'll never leave. Go to work. Go home. Feed cat. Read. Sleep. Repeat until dead.
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013
    Thanks for the comments on the essay guys. JP's right, it's a nauseating Manichean horror working for those places. BUT I will admit to being a little over-dramatic in the essay. When you've done five years in a CC, you're full of venom and pus. But yeah to go back to oldhat's point, the Catch-22 of seeking employment - its one of those things you just block out of your mind until you experience it again, and its HORRIBLE. It shouldn't be this hard to find employment that doesn't demean and demoralise you; which uses your skills, and you can enjoy. But we live in a world that rewards conformity, lack of ambition and small-minded world views. Creativity in most workplaces is a threat to the drones that run 'em, in my experience. It took me 11 years to find a job that paid and didn't destroy me, mentally and spiritually. It pays minimum wage and I do three other jobs to support myself. But the core job is rewarding, and I'm good at it. I had given up on ever finding that kind of work. I'm super grateful, even if I did just pull a 16-day stretch of 10-12 hour days with no break. Job satisfaction is juuuuuust worth it. Just.
  3.  (11026.7)
    Last night was hell. Just wanted to thank everyone for listening to me and making me feel not so alone when everything went to hell. Things are ok today. Just glad you guys are here.
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013
    What a mad week for me. Managed to not live my life by the news, despite things still blowing up, earthquakes and terrible weather...So I guess that's a win.

    Up: Sunday, a beautiful day, I spent most of the afternoon in the conference room of a friend's office, reading another friend's screenplay. It was a run through of a table read, and I read the narration. In a screenplay, unlike a stage play, there is typically a TON of narrative to describe the weather, locations, actions, feelings... my throat got very dry. But I got several compliments and was urged to bring some business cards or other business material to the read.
    Down: God it was a beautiful day, and the office was in Santa Monica. And so while I would have loved to spend the day outdoors, I had to plow through all the traffic of half of Los Angeles trying to get to the beach to get to the read. It made me a half hour late. Also, I didn't make it to the gym.

    Up: Monday, overcast day, I decided to dye my hair. I was finally going to put the purple to use on my bleached-orange hair. Some four odd hours later, my hair was mostly brown with some bluish highlights. Well, at least it's not the hideous orange.
    Down: My natural hair color is brown. All that bloody work to end where I started. Again, didn't hit the dying logistics and working out aren't compatible.

    Up: Tuesday I got business cards! I found Office Depot will make (fairly simple) business cards in-store in one day. Put in my order, did a little bit of shopping and got lunch and then they were ready! I have a thing with my name and contact info AND my (self-applied) job title! Like a real adult! Later on I headed to my sister's place and had dinner with her and kid (and the hubs and the dog and the cat...) Before heading over I cleared a few things from my desk that had just been taking up space. I'm working on cleaning up and treating myself like a professional and that was a nice, if tiny, step. And I rounded up a few little toys and trinkets and markers and crayons to give to my niece.
    Down: No gym. Too much drinking at my sister's. And I lobbied to watch other stuff on their TV or just hang and talk but they put on Game of Thrones. Within five minutes here was a severed hand... Yeah, I headed home. Even my sister doesn't like that show, but it makes guys feel manly or something. *shrug*

    Up: Wednesday! the table read! But first a go a the gym... Then off to pick up a friend to take to the reading. I hadn't seen him in several months so it was good to chat about all sorts of things on the way. Then the read was good, moar compliments pour moi. Yay. Left out business cards, cause I'm a pro (as of the day before };>) and saw some other cool peeps I haven't seen in ages.
    Down: Well, awkwardness at seeing people I haven't seen in a while...because I haven't felt like making the effort. But first the serious troubling thing that in prepping for the reading I wanted to burn a CD of voice warmup exercises. I've had the MP3s on another computer but hadn't brought them over to my new one just yet. The old one has serious problems and just can't burn CDs. Have an even older computer but it developed issues trying to burn those MP3s, so I looked to the new computer to solve my problems. And that's how I found out that all three USB ports of my brand new (theoretically) ASUS notebook have errors and won't work. Huge problem for me, to do what i do I need peripherals to work, beginning with thumb drives, continuing to USB microphone and ending with external drives. Fffuuuuu.... Ok. Tried all the things you try, disabling, restarting, updating, reloading, uninstalling, installing drivers from the Web. Nada. Never got any forward movement on Wednesday. And fussing made me late to get on the road, so the two hour drive to my friend's place (all because of hideous LA rush hour traffic) was ping pong-ing bewtween pissed and stressed out and telling myself to relax and breathe and relax, the better to enunciate and project, etc. (We did pull in late for the read, but others were in even after me. And the read really was pretty good.)

    Up: Thursday, was still feeling ungood from the gym trip the day before so I just did some light work on a machine at home. Organized the bathroom so it looks like and adult lives here. Wrote a blog post on the parallels of the long term fitness efforts and long term career efforts and how, on a day to day basis they can get very trying.
    Down: Troublshooting of USB ports for half the day got me no where. And I saw some internal folders that had dates from 2009, which now makes me wonder if the machine is refurbished, which is not mentioned on the invoice or any of the packaging, and certainly not what I intended to buy. No voice warming-up.

    Up: Friday, a fine day that I spent largely indoors. In the evening I headed to an anime dubbing voice-acting workout. These are really fun and a great chance to work on developing the skills that voice acting demands. I got to play Saber, the (female!) spirit of King Arthur in a new(ish) anime FATE/ZERO. honestly a lot of fun, compliments and very useful criticism. Love. (and I handed out my new business card }:>)
    Down: Took the lappy back to the store from whence it came. I theoretically have the warranties and things that cover fixing this shit, but if they have to reinstall Windows I will have to pay for it. }:/ The guy there told me they had to keep it... so I have to use my old some what crappy laptop, he one that makes me have to go back and hit the "t" key all o frequently, and which has a smaller ouchpad and too-sensitive spacebar. No to mention a slow, clunky processor and which can't burn CDs.... *sigh* Also, hideous traffic - and a surprise second period this month.

    Up: Haven't done much today, hoping to get o the gym. Caught BIG FISH on TV.
    Down: Really, a second period this month. Sort of explains feeling cramped up and awful at the gym, but... It has been just 10 days since my last go. Um. What? This is extremely unusual for me. No word yet on my computer.

    And so, the rollercoaster week.

    Hugs: @argos, @oldhat I'm sorry for the suck that is job hunting. Nothing like bending all your energy to look for somewhere that will allow you to go in and do work you don't even want to do for who knows how long. Blah... Keep yourself and your goals in mind and keep fighting for them always. It's the only antidote, I believe.
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013
    *hugs* Root... it's all we (I) can do.
  4.  (11026.10)
    It's better than nothing and it helps a TON.
    ALso your talking about gym stuff makes me think I should look into getting a treadmill or something so I can exercise more on bad days since I really don't like exercise biking but I do like treatmillinlg.

    edit: nevermind. I just looked at the prices of treadmills and just about died. >,> I'm stickin with my half bike.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013
    @raz: don't dye hair colors over their opposites! I once died Purple over faded teal, and where they overlapped my hair looked blue bc the red from the purple and green from the teal cancelled out. Sometimes you just really gotta strip all that color out before you put anything else on it.
    • CommentTimeApr 27th 2013
    @Argos NOW YOU TELL ME. Although I don't mind brown horribly, I just could have skipped a lot of work (and a little money & mess). I bleached my hair twice and it still came out burnt orangy- yellowish. I doubt a third heavy duty bleaching (I believe 40 lift is the most powerful I can get) would do anything other than make my hair fall out.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeApr 30th 2013
    Have you tried toning it? It removes the brassy colors that are left over from bleaching.
  5.  (11026.14)
    @Razrangel - Using bleach, your hair is always going to have an orangey-burnt tone to it, until it goes full on baby-chick-yellow. You ahve to get it to just slightly lighter in value that you want it, and then tone it down with a complementary color base ranging from purple to blue to green to kill the orange/yellow. If you aren't sure, then just take a black and white photograph of yourself and see if you like where your hair is at. If you do, then don't bleach anymore. If you want to do something else to your hair in the future, it's best to clean your hair palette beforehand with something like Color Oops, which is bleach free. It shrinks the dye molecules so they wash away from your hair grooves.

    GOOD: My fellow just bought me a memory foam mattress, and it's AWESOME! I've just plopped it atop my inflatable mattress, and it's like living on a cloud! My spine is so thankful. The improvement in my life quality is substantial. Also, I've started going to the gym. Somewhat compulsively, actually. I'd gotten this membership and hadn't used it for two months, and finally, my medication was switched, and WHOOOOO! I've been going just about every day, as it was recommended for my joint issues that a stationary bike might be ideal (I'd tried the eliptical and it still fucked my ankles and feet). The bike works pretty well (though my joins are still in great pain), and so trick myself daily into going to the gym, at least to use the automated massage chair and the stretching horse thing and the red light therapy booth with the vibratey floor, and then if I feel up for it, I bike, and then if I feel up for it, I do some weights. YAY! I'm picking up steam, and I'm hoping to finally get to the big pile of stuff to mail out to random people and make my website and do all the things that I've been slacking on so severely for the past year.

    BAD: Still no doctor answers. The Mestinon did nothing but make me terribly nauseated all the time, so they took me off of it and put me on Prednisone, to see how it goes. It's been pretty AMAZING, except for it's effect on my abdomen, appetite and androgens. After just a week, I'm bloated and started to gain weight disproportionately around my middle, my intestines keep cramping, I'm constantly ravenously hungry, and I'm probably going to start growing even more hair. My vision hasn't improved any, and taking the prednisone, as AMAZING as it's been for my not feeling like I'm made out of 250 year old recycled body parts, kills the adrenal glands and saps my calcium from my bones and makes the actual issues of my connective tissue worse. So.... i'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can while I've got it, which is why I'm hitting the gym sort of obsessively right now, in the hopes of getting myself fit to a point that I'll be able to carry over even when I have to go back off the Prednisone. It's sort of a sucky situation, and I feel even more like I'm some kind of slow motion Flowers for Algernon experiment. The geneticist can't test me for anything because I don't have enough for her to go on to justify it to my MEDICARE insurance to cover the cost.

    Also, I'm drowning in being poor. Seriously. I can't live like this. I don't know how to find a way out. I have just enough to pay rent and utilities and MAYBE enough metrocard for the month. All my shoes are falling apart, I haven't bought a new bra in years, etc etc etc. I'm really tired of just scraping by, but I can't figure out what to do for cash when my health is so fickle.

    I pushed it too hard yesterday, thinking that after all the cycling at the gym without repurcussion I could easily go walking around Brooklyn for a few hours. THAT WAS WRONG. Walking involves a lot more gravity and wear on my body, I rediscovered. So today I'm pretty broken.

    However, I have started painting again. So maybe that's my way out of this mess. It's the only way I can see: being an artist that makes my own schedule and my own pace. That is, if my body allows it.
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
    mmm... i don't think i've ever actually done one of these...

    the girl is out in Quebec City for 5 weeks doing a museum technician internship, which is about 2.5 hours north from Montréal here. I won't get to see her until the weekend after at the earliest. thank god for skype.

    money's always an issue. my main income's working freelance doing video translations from french-LSQ or english-ASL, or some variations thereof, plus other location shooting of workshops & event photography. it pays just enough for rent and bills, but not enough to save or for anything extra, especially since the girl's still a student. Thankfully, she's about to graduate in a month, and our financial situation should improve by then, when and if she finds work. the job market's not too kind on anyone lately, most especially for Deaf people. ( )
    @overqualified bullshit: it's the same excuse people pulled when i was looking for work 15 years ago, usually as an excuse not to hire a deaf guy without running afoul of human rights issues.

    my mood's also been foul on a regular basis, usually being triggered by discussions and reports of the negative effects of mainstreaming Deaf students, while not providing access to sign language. this article ( ) goes in depth, and Pam was interviewed near the end of the article (I'm mentioned too!).
    one part of the article that i very much relate to, minus "popular":
    "Up until grade ten, she was the only deaf kid in her school. Her head throbbed from the concentration required to read lips and filter noise all day, and she would come home and take it out on her parents and her little sister, Ariane. “I was depressed. I had dark thoughts,” Ménard says. Even when she started high school, made more friends, and became popular, she still felt isolated and unhappy."
    During my elementary school years, i was being driven to the next county over and then bussed to school, because the "experts" said going to the local french schools would be "bad" for me and i would be better off in an english environment (they were anglophones themselves). also, being the only deaf kid in a hearing environment, with an ex-jock for a principal who would take a punitive approach to everything. as a result, i have shitty social skills in person, and avoid group events of hearing people as much as possible. I feel alienated from my own Acadian culture, and i'm neither fully comfortable in the hearing or the Deaf world.
    it's a really in-depth & drawn-out issue, which i'll save for another time.

    bought a router a month ago and i'm nearly fully stocked on all the tools i need to do anything i want, and also for the girl to run a side business making frames, display enclosures, etc… i'm planning to set up my own website soon (been forever since i've actually had a proper website) detailing my projects and offering things to sell.

    a music video that i worked on as DOP a few years ago finally got limited rights from the studios to be shown at TIDFAF ( ) even though we still have yet to secure the rights to show it on youtube & such.

    I shot & edited a personal video by the girl and her childhood friend on the insights of the Montreal Deaf Jehovah's Witness community (both are ex-JWs) signed in LSQ with french subtitles and voiceover
    it's gotten almost 5,000 views.
    the ASL/english version is still being translated but i'm hoping to have it done by summer.

    last January i built a dolly & jib to film another music video in our loft, with the National Film Board of Canada documenting us for their project on Deaf artists of Quebec. the music video, which will be posted soon, was shown at a couple of events and was *really* well received. I'm now thinking of milling out angle irons for film dollys and selling just those parts, sans wheels & bolts. (wheels & chassis) (completed dolly) (first test of the dolly without the jib)

    oh. erm. shit'll look up in one form or another, i suppose.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 3rd 2013 edited

    I'm fighting depression bad of late, lots of it related to health and housing issues. Just getting through each day is a real task in my world, it really is; but I won't moan about it.

    I've been dumping shit in meetings, and I've reached the point where I no-longer give a shit what people think about my crap. I will continue to dish-out the filth, the sickness, the damage, the depravity - all of it - until I'm purged. I didn't go to rehab to make friends, and I don't go to meetings to be a nice-guy.


    I keep having these bouts of despair, but by listening to "beautiful" music, my mind goes to a place of almost soul-searing intensity. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something major, something I know that will, sadly, never happen. I love it, and maybe I'm just mad...

    *nods head* CAN RELATE:

    @Rachael: The meds I'm taking for depression, Mirtazapine, have made me fat round the gut and I'm fucking hungry all the time.
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2013 edited

    - Still unemployed, though getting a modest amount helping with the transition and doing stuff around the house. Applied for a lot of jobs and all have been saying no so far. As much as I want to bartend, it's looking like no one will dare hire me for it.

    - The work I am doing now is stupid. Boss seems to have forgotten everything she learned about her computer (how to get her e-mail, how to turn on the printer, how to turn it off) and I'm getting a lot of vague requests that she knows I have no expertise in. What makes it worse is that she's regarding me as being on call 24/7 so, while the work doesn't take long, it can happen at any time in the day. This annoys me.

    - My room has woodlice. Last night over 20 of the buggers of various sizes were crawling around my wall and heading for my bed. I went apeshit, killed them all and went to sleep knowing there were a few still around. They're harmless, but attracted to moisture and I open my mouth when I sleep (as I can't breathe through my nose) so I'm worried. Also, getting lice one time a few years ago gave me that extreme fear of being surrounded by bugs.

    - Depressions hitting me harder at night nowadays. Getting melancholy and missing things like human contact that last longer than a brief hug has become something of a before bed ritual now.

    - Eating better, which is good, but I've approached the stage where I'm craving pizza or apple pie and ice cream or chocolate or lots of cheese ALL THE TIME and I hate the feeling that my body is rebelling towards feeling better.

    - Mystery still surrounds what I have. Another round of tests in two weeks.


    - Having time to do personal shit is pretty awesome. Yesterday I tended to my garden (Have radish, beet and onion seeds planted as well as some hops), played some video game and started writing some Wench posts again. It feels good to actually DO shit.

    - As I said, I'm eating healthier and it's paying off. Lost 5lbs in the past week with a combination of eating well and exercising (I'm back to running a mile a day. Going to stop caring too much about distance and just focus on getting my body moving for now). Hopefully I'll be down another 10lbs soon and then, hopefully, another 10lbs, which will be my 2011 weight where I was happiest. Currently I'm at 237. I originally aimed, when I started exercising for 199 (just to see the number). Now I want to just be at 217 and look fit. I think I can do that.

    - May possibly have a chance at being considered to run tours and tastings for a brewery's brewpub opening soon. Hopefully something happens with that.

    - I'm making music. Really enjoying it.

    - I'm finding a reason every day. It's not a great reason, and it's pretty much the same one, but it's mine and it's getting me through the day and that's good enough.

    GO YOU:

    @Flecky, getting out the shit is essential. Hope it goes well.
    @Rae, glad you're painting again.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2013
    I'm craving pizza or apple pie and ice cream or chocolate or lots of cheese ALL THE TIME

    Ugh, that's me right now. After I started exercising again I got that RAVENOUS HUNGER QUICK REPLENISH THE CALORIES!!! feeling, and also I want all the sugar in all its ugly beautiful tasty forms. Boooo.
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2013
    Yeah, I've JUST been able to control not caving, phoning a pizza place and heading to a store to buy all the cake
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2013
    @oldhat @argos
    try this:

    it's pretty awesome, full of all the stuff you want & need :)