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    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeMay 18th 2013
    Woah! Right! I have been meaning to do one of these things old stylee on a Saturday night for bleedin' ages but bin too sleep deprived and generally - pardon my language - fucked to make much sense. Tonight is no different but for the fact that i am pissed and therefore stupid enough to give it a go regardless.
    It is past my bedtime and i have work tomorrow, I shall be brief.


    Got book signed by the Ellis. Went to Waking Jack, got pictures. Got money, food, warm, dry home. Not dead yet. Bluebells!


    Aching like a bastard, feeling generally ill and crap. Doctors are bloody useless. Feeling flat, listless and uninspired. Lonely as hell.

    The more you beat it, the stronger it gets:

    Rachael, Robin, hang on in there. I am around about twice your age yet still, you are my heroes. You are not allowed to succumb. I wish there was more i could do than just cheer from the sidelines. You are precious. You are jewels. You are little sparks of inspiration in the hopeless dark of the world. All you need to do is put one foot in front of the other, just keep on keeping on and eventually you'll be somewhere else. Different, stronger, if not better then better able to deal with what you've got. Just keep going!

    Flecky - you too! This is the long hard difficult bit. Keep busy, do something useful - it'll make you feel good and help other people or things or whatever you chose, just do it! Go on!

    From ages ago: John Carpenter - you are a braver man than i, much braver. More strength to you! Try those lenses before you give up on them. Silica gel and somewhere warm and see what you've got. It may be more than you expected.

    Razangel, Roo, all the rest of you: I feel like i should have words for you but i'm damned if i can think what they are. Be strong. Endure, all of you. The world is richer with your presence.

    Now, i am sleep deprived, drunk, old and quite, quite daft. I am going to bed.

    Good night Whitechapel.
    • CommentTimeMay 21st 2013 edited
    Alright, that's it's sort of post-breakdown about job crap...


    - Still no job, but not feeling as horrible about the lack of beer job. I'll figure something out.

    - Weight's bugging me. And my self-image. Just not feelin' pretty to my standards and need to get on that.


    - Working the garden like a motherfucker. I managed to transplant a bunch of flowers to an area over the weekend. Plus my veggies and hops have become to sprout! I'm feeling pretty accomplished on that front.

    - Getting some photo work and a graphic/web designer friend is looking in to copy work for me, as that's kind of my primary work background (weird how writing ended up being my "thing")

    - Going to NYC soon. Officially there for 3-4 days, but going to look in to seeing if I can stay there longer and take a train back home.

    - Getting invited to more nad more beer events. The only reason I can't go to Mondial, Canada's biggest beer event ever, is I don't have money for transport to Montreal at the moment.

    - Running more, which is nice.

    - Some medical mystery cleared up. Looks like stomach cancer actually was a possibility and my doctor was looking in to that and possibly having a bacteria that more or less causes stomach cancer. Nope and nope, so that's good! As we begin to cross things off the list, it looks like depression and stress may have been the culprit behind some of the issues. There are still base issues to look in to though.

    - Feeling better after turning on the light and finding myself in a pool of my own blood last week. Who wouldn't?

    - Last night I was so damn sore from the running and constant squats from gardening, that I decided to take a scented bath and bring my personal massager, a Lelo Smart Wand, in with me. It's completely waterproof and my muscles, primarily the ones in my legs and shoulders, turned to jelly and I had an incredibly comfortable and deep sleep, which I really needed.

    DO EET,

    @roadscum, Hooray for book signed by Ellis! And thank you for the pep talk. :)
    @sellmeyoursoul, Hooray for new ladyfriend and WC meets!
    • CommentTimeMay 21st 2013
    @Oldhat if you book Megabus way in advance & on certain days of the week, you should be able to get a round trip to montreal for under $50. i used to commute weekly to Toronto last year and always saved a lot of cash with them.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2013 edited
    Good???: I opened a etsy store to sell my paintings. Some have actually sold so I am surprised and relieved that a little money is coming. I hope I don't jinx it. Also: for a while now my mother and her surviving brothers and sisters are supposed to receive inheritance from my grandmother who died a couple of years ago. But she would have to fly over to her country to sign papers in person and she really doesn't know when that money will be ready to be released just yet. She said she would like to buy a house with it. And for me and sis to have our jobs to keep paying it and have a home way after she eventually dies. But I don't like people dreaming for me and don't like my life being fucking decided upon like that. Honestly I am broke as shit but I want to move out and be alone so bad. Yay for being stuck with what/who you got, I guess! I am trying not to think about any supposed miracle money, I just want a damn job NOW.

    Ughhhhhh: Still no job either. I applied at a staffing services place last week. They said to call in a few days to follow up. I've been ebaying and selling paintings but I don't think I'm even breaking even on that. Shipping adds the fuck up and I'm getting sick of going into the post office. I really do want to start working and get a routine again. F*CK. Going on three months of joblessness. I might have to give up my car. I gotta get my shit together but it looks fucking bleak.

    I've deleted entire spiels about this before but long story long: Last month some indie wrestler stole my almost-internet-girlfriend. But it turns out he's a scumbag and used her to exchange nudes online (nobody told me this, I just dug around and found out on my own like a fucking creep) and stopped talking to her after he got a real life g/f to screw. Now she's all damaged an dead inside and deflects and dismisses my compliments and flirting attempts. She's crushing on another nobody wrestler who isn't interested. I've pretty much been phased out. She was into me at first but I guess she just wants wrestler attention. I guess I'm fucking foolish for still being fond of her. Being lead on really did a number on my stupid mind and heart, which have been vulnerable lately. If I had known she was such an attention/validation whore I would have kept my distance from the beginning, but you can't predict these things. People just slowly reveal themselves, I guess. I wish I could unfollow her from all the social media shit for the sake of my mental health but I don't want to invite any drama. Fucking internet can fuck with your head sometimes. I used to know who I was. And I forgot what I was about for the last few months.
    I used to be the evilest force of nature motherfucker around. And creator of badass shark comics. This shit is really fucking beneath me. Internet crushes; talk about your goddamn kid stuff.

    Hey guyz: @Robin - Glad you're okay. I can't remember the last time a doc checked me out. I'd be too worried to find out anything. But at least I feel just fine =\
    @sellmeyoursoul - Good luck with that girl, haha.
    @Everyone: Thanks everyone for reassuring me about turning 28. It made me welcome it with open arms and confidence. 27 was a real fucking waste and felt like someone hit the brakes on my life and de-balled me. But that is all on me and me alone. All I can do is avoid that happening ever the fuck again. Thank you. Got a lot of b-day tweets too which felt good <3
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2013
    @chris delete her. deleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteher. Delete. Her.
    Unless she's holding your kitty hostage in exchange for keeping her around, there is no need to deal with someone who is toxic and makes your heart hurt. You *are* having drama right now. Because she's around, fucking up your internet feeds. Delete her and you can choose to give her an explanation or not (because she's blocked and you can't hear her). That's the joy of the internet, you can make people go away with the click of a few buttons. I recently blocked someone who was starting to go crazy on me from accessing my life and have been so happy since. It's a beautiful thing.

    I like to think of birthdays as true New Years so I hope you get off to a fresh start <3
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2013 edited
    @glukkake - It was your b-day too! We are children of the squid :D Thanks for the advice, I think I will be needing it! Out of sight, out of mind, right? *sigh* she was a hot one too and remembered my b-day, haha. Maybe this will help get my brain back on straight :)
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2013
    @chris yessir! we are birthday twins. except I'm 1 year older so I won't be hearing any of this "aging" business!
  1.  (11026.8)
    Um... Happy birthdays? Glu, if it makes you feel any better, 29? Damn you kids and your youth!

    Chris & Robin - I wish I had some sage advice for you on the job front. Joblessness sucks and is scary and all that crap.

    The Good :
    NEW CAR!!! My '02 Focus was dying and I finally broke down (figuratively) and purchased the car I've been coveting for the last year and a half. It's an '10 Mazda 3. So nice to have a car that doesn't rattle when I drive.

    The Not So Good:
    A couple of hours ago I got an e-mail from that girl in Brooklyn. She's decided the long distance thing isn't going to work. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. I hadn't actually booked a hotel and I think part of the reason was that I wasn't convinced I'd still need it the middle of June. I'm halfway tempted to go anyway since I have people in the city that I haven't seen in forever (plus a shiny new car in need of a road-trip), but I expect that I won't. I'll take the time off of work and stay home. Perhaps use the money I would have spent on some top shelf beer or something.
  2.  (11026.9)

    I attract sickness. This is probably being made worse with the prednisone I'm on. I was so excited about exercising, and I think that perhaps from overdoing it on the stationary bike (while menstrual) and not showering right after, I gave myself a UTI. Well, I gobbled down cranberry and drank water with baking soda, and then my abdomen started burning. So I went to a clinic and got antibiotics, which make me perpetually nauseated to the point that I can't do anything but lay down and be a mess. And I'm out of weed. Boo hoo hoo. I'm nearly done with the antibiotics, but my abdomen is still burning (so I've got a bladder infection?), and i have this recurrent pain in my left side that's been there for a while, and I'm beginning to suspect that I really do have another kidney stone. Going to the gym was really helping my pain levels, and now that I've been all bed ridden again my body is in great pain. So it's been a week of me feeling nauseated and in pain and not knowing what to do with myself. I've been working on photo editing and such, but my right side isn't doing so well and it hurts quite awfully to use my right hand so much.

    I'd totally amputate my drawing arm if that meant the pain would stop.

    Because of the sickness I missed my pain management doctor appointment on Friday. Which is stupid.

    I'm broke and every notion I have to make money ends up falling apart due to sickness. I can't live like this. My apartment is infested with cockroaches no matter what I try, and it smells of dead mouse. It's filthy, and I can't keep up with the cleaning. I need to live somewhere hygenic. I'm sure it's worsening my health, but I'm too poor to move. I've had less than $30 in my bank account for weeks. I have all these ideas of art projects and money making schemes, but every time, my health just goes KABLOOIE and reminds me how physically unreliable I am.

    Also, I've been getting crazy emails from my crazy aunt who has unidentified psych issues. She's a scientist, or was, until she had a series of delusional relationships with coworkers. Now she's a substitute teacher. She thinks she's being targeted by the "cyberbullying network" largely because her car mechanic told her so. She thinks they are spreading lies about her being "a threat to immigrants", whatever that means. I've found this interesting as of late, because the newest notion that the doctors have about me is that I've got a genetic "mitochondrial disorder". It can effect ANY part of the body and make it go wonky, and it changes from person to person within the same family line. It can affect the brain sometimes causing aspergic behavior, paranoid delusions, and is comorbid with schizophrenia, which also runs in that side of the family. What really worries me that is that since I was a child, my mother and her other sister would often talk about how much I reminded them of this crazy aunt, how I was just like her and her weird ways. Great.


    I'm finally getting some genetic testing done. It's only via blood, so I'm not sure if they are testing me for mitochondrial disorders just yet (i think they need tissue for that?), but at least they are looking for SOMETHING genetic, which is on the right track, I think.

    My fellow is awesome. He paid my phone bill for me AGAIN this month, and brings me non dairy foods for my nausea. He thinks my non-shaved legs are sexy and doesn't mind when I have face stubble, which is just... I'm a terribly lucky girl.

    I was a guest on WFMU and I had lots of fun and I didn't swear!

    I've been using my crock pot! Yummmmm! I've been looking up paleo style recipes and oh MAN, is meat GREAT!


    Glukkake: good advice! and happy birthday!
    Chris g: and happy birthday to you, too! Listen to Glu! She is smart!
    Roadscum: thank you!
    oldhat: hoorya for horrible things crossed off the list of possible ailments!
  3.  (11026.10)
    Survived my birthday (May 19) I'm now 31. It feels weird.

    I'm loving my 2nd job and learning so much from it. It makes such a difference having a job where I feel surrounded by good people doing GOOD things, trying to make the world a better place. Also: they have chocolate. Fancy, nummy chocolates.
    Slowing down on the talk therapy. I never felt it did much for me; and my therapist agrees group stuff is better for me and there's not much she can do while I've got all the external family stress.
    All the kittens I was working with got homes.

    On the lower side of things, my mind often goes dark and hopeless in the evenings, and I feel terribly' terribly lonely and like such a failure. I really hate having to rely on my family. And I hate the fact that they would threaten me with homelessness on a lark, and not understand how much that would hurt me. I know I'm severly depressed, but there's not much to do about it other than hunker down and take it day by day.
    I feel I should be used to it by now.

    To all:
    Who else is a may 19 person??
    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2013
    Oh fuck i can't do this, i'm too bloody tired, too many early starts and late finishes, too much arsing about on the computer when i do eventually get home. All entirely my own choice. Sanity has never been one of my strong points.

    Did i mention my computer is hacked? Local script kiddies have somehow got into it and have, amongst other things, been reading my e-mail. I know this because i overheard the little mites discussing it and reading out the contents of my inbox. The little scamps have been up to other mischief too. I am not particularly happy about this. If they've got into anything important they haven't done anything with it yet, and the thought of someone rummaging through my private stuff is mildly annoying, though probably more disturbing for them than me. The biggest irritation is the effort i'm going to have to put into finding out exactly what they've been up to and putting it right. I really could have done without this right now, there are better things i could be doing. Not the end of the world though and no one's dead, nothing's on fire.

    I have better things to do. Too much work means There Will Be Money! This is good. Especially if the weather is nice next week. I may head out west for a couple of days and enjoy a bit of scenery - pub B&B and some National Trust Trust gardens; trees, flowers and the last of the bluebells if i'm lucky. Take the camera and hunt down some rogue architecture, bag a few follies. Rock and roll! Rock and bleedin' roll!

    And on to why i came here in the first place - Roo, kiddo (31 is still kiddo territory in my books), i feel for you, i really do. I've had the dark and hopeless, i've been within a spit of sleeping on a bit of cardboard in a shop doorway, i've been there meself and it very nearly did for me. While you're hunkering down and struggling through, keep yourself warm with this one little thought: it didn't - i am still breathing and truth be told, things are pretty good for me these days. I am not a particularly strong or capable person, from what little i know you seem to be sounder than i was back then. You can get through it and things will turn around. Keep plodding on Roo - one kitten at a time, you'll get there in the end.

    I really want to go on, there's more i'd like to say, but i am struggling to stay awake and there is more work tomorrow - the rest of you will have to make do with my best wishes and hopes that it turns around for you too.

    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2013 edited
    @Roo: ((hugs)) That's such shit about your family, I'm sorry to hear that.

    @Rachael: FYI for any future UTIs, check out D-mannose. It's kind of pricey, so I realize it may be a difficult option for you, but I vastly prefer it to antibiotics. I used to be super UTI prone, I once had like 6 infections within 3 months or something crazy. Antibiotics, without a doubt, always give me a yeast infection after. D-mannose is a sugar that doesn't get metabolized by the body (actually, a very small amount does but it's not much), so it all ends up in your bladder, and it gets rid of e. coli by sticking to it (which means the e. coli can't stick to your bladder), and you end up peeing it all out over the course of a few days. The last time i got a UTI my symptoms were gone by 24hrs of guzzling d-mannose, I kept taking it for the week and it was totally cleared after that, with no side effects for me (though I hear some people get headaches). Something to think about if you're prone to these things and don't want to always rely on antibiotics.

    @Glu, Chris, Roo: Birthdays: Happy Birthday!!


    I had a stupid mental breakdown the other day. The kind where you understandably get annoyed over something but then overreact and flip out over it, then you feel guilty later for flipping out over it, then feel angry again about feeling guilty because DAMMIT you're entitled to feel your feelings and there are reasons those feelings were triggered, but then feel guilty again for overreacting and you know nothing malicious was meant by it but sometimes you can't help your emotions, but if only that person had been more sensitive towards you to begin with because this has been brought up before....

    I'm feeling better now but am now annoyed with myself that that volleying of anger & guilt happened at all. I'm not going to talk about what triggered it bc I feel that will only give life to it, right now I just want to vent about the fact that the emotional ordeal happened. I'm still going through a bit of the "angry/guilty about being angry" cycle but it's small enough now that it doesn't consume me. I don't get like this often, but I hate it when it does happen because I always end up beating myself up over it because I don't want to be that person (which luckily on the whole I'm not. Edgar once dated a girl who got super angry at him because he gave her "the ugly cupcake," so least I didn't have a breakdown over a cupcake (I'll stop trying to justify myself now)).

    Also our car keeps overheating so it needs to go to the shop, and we don't have much money right now since I'm still job hunting, so this is gonna suck financially.

    GOOD: I started drawing, sort of. I decided that, in an effort to learn to draw, I will draw one thing a day. So far it's been every other day but hey, that's still an improvement. I've drawn two different tea cups, a stack of cds, and a d8 from a couple different angles. Starting off small so I don't overwhelm myself from the start and burn out. My shading is awful and my tea cups look super weird and flat as a result. The d8s look alright.

    I started working out again. Slightly inflamed a foot tendon jump roping but nothing horrible, I'm still able to do other exercises while I wait for that to heal.

    My eating habits have also gotten better. More protein, less carbs, way less simple carbs. I'm not trying to go low carb so much as discontinue over-consuming carbs. This means I've been using more leafy greens to fill in the gaps in my meals.
  4.  (11026.13)
    @Argos - yeah, I was actually JUST recommended that by my fellow's roommate just two days ago. Odd that i'd never heard of it before! The problem is, yes, it IS pricey. I might look into it and see if my fellow would be willing to buy it for me because I really DO hate antibiotics. I hate being such a mooch though. Is it a bad idea to bicycle while menstrual? I think right before I started feeling uncomfortable is the first time I'd ever done so, quite honestly.
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2013
    When I took my first drawing class, we weren't allowed to shade anything for the first half of the semester, do we would learn how to draw lines right, and not cover them up with shading. Maybe simplifying it in that way for a bit will help.
  5.  (11026.15)
    @Argos - I'm with Fishelle. Don't shade. Get the rendering down. Not every artist is a shading person, too. Some people interpret things in higher contrast. I suggest, if you want to practice drawing, to draw something interesting, and something that isn't really perspectivey. Part of why artists draw curvy ladies so much is because it's FUN. Organic shapes are fun. Square edges are not. Draw a plant. Draw a piece of rope. Try putting dramatic lighting on it. It makes drawing easier because the high contrast reduces the information to BRIGHT and DARK.
    • CommentTimeMay 26th 2013
    @Argos, while lines are helpful, value studies also HAVE VALUE (nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!).

    I would say definitely stick to the lines for now, but for yuks every so often, I think it's really valuable to try and do shading studies in such a way that you don't draw ANY lines. It helps you figure out volume in a way that lines can't. In a lot of my beginning drawing classes we had to do shading studies (no lines!). It also helped a lot to try and make a value reference scale where you shade 10 different shades before you draw.

    Like so:

    Maybe start with five and build up to ten.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 26th 2013
    Thanks for the tips! So far the only square things I've drawn were the dice, the tea cups I just didn't know how to make look 3 dimensional without shading but they ended up looking weird and flat in parts anyway, haha. I'll try to do more curvy things and see how that goes. I actually did draw my foot during D&D yesterday and it really was more fun than the dice because there were so many curves in it (and also those didn't have to be as precise as straight dice edges).

    I think what I'll do now is to separate the two and mostly draw just some lines for now, and occasionally do some line-free shading studies. Or I might just start the shading later, we'll see.

    @Rachael - um, no idea about biking while menstrual, but it's a good hypothesis. I've only ever gotten UTIs after sex, so any friction down there can definitely send nasty stuff upstream and lead to an infection.
  6.  (11026.18)
    Been quite a volatile few weeks. Moods have really up and down I've written a few, postings that I've never finished and most of them are pretty apocalyptic sounding. So probably a good job they never saw the light of day .

    Am still pretty irritable - although not so much as I was. There's been a fair amount of frustration though.House is still falling to bits. We've had no washing machine for two weeks,no cold tap in the bath for months, no shower for two years, and our mattress has won out so I'm waking up in pain every night with springs digging into me and what I think is sciatica on my right side. We can't seem to agree on how and when to fix these things which is really getting to me. The car, which I've just paid a fortune to fix is spewing coolant again so will probably have to go back to the garage.   There are rats in our garage too. They've eaten a carrier bag full of oil paint and god knows what else that we just haven't found yet. They will have to be dealt with somehow.

    Also have not been out taking pictures or making music for way too long.Again this is getting to me a lot.

    Got a respectable bonus at work. which makes a bit of a dent in my credit card bill. And allowed me to buy a tablet and budget for some of the house repairs. got a long way to go, but at least that's a start. Have spent the weekend at my parents house in the cotswolds, with my sister as well, which has been really nice.  And I finally managed to drag myself out of bed early this morning for a walk up Cam Peak, the hill near their house. Think I'm starting to lose weight again,  been pretty strict.  Taking a tablet and not a heavy laptop is making me walk between the station and the office rather than get the bus so I'm feeling more energised than I have done for a long time. So that's all good.

    Also finally made some progress in the garden. Got some stuff planted and working on some ideas to sort the whole painful mess out properly. Goin to my parents' house always gives me very bad garden envyas my mum is a fantastic gardener and her place is absolutely beautiful.


    @0ldhat good luck with the garden, it's kind of good when things start to grow. And hope that the medical mysteries get solved soon.

    @ Roadscum hope you manage to get out and about. The bluebells are very late this year and mine are only just appearing. Also good luck in getting your pc sorted out.

    @Rachael, fishelle, dorkmuffin, Argos...thanks for the drawing tips, am trying to teach myself again too, seem to have all the art materials in the world but never use them
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2013
    Teacups were an ambitious thing to try and draw. Ellipses are hard to get right, especially if you don't have someone to instruct you.
    My professor that I took most of my drawing classes from pointed out 3 major things he'd seen the most as far as problems with ellipses go.

    The first was the "pickle syndrome" where lines are wobbly and wonky, so it messes up everything even if the shape is right. This appears in most lines, regardless of shape, to varying degrees. When people say they "can't even draw a straight line," when I say I'm an artist, I have to laugh a bit because frankly neither can I a lot of the time. And there are no rulers for ellipses. It just takes practice, figuring out how to hold your tools so the marks can be done quickly and accurately.

    The second is what he called "football syndrome." This is where the ellipse is too pointed at the sides, resembling the shape of a football rather than a circle at an angle.

    Third is the "taco syndrome" and that's where an understanding of perspective is important. In a taco-y ellipse the back part is bigger than the front. If you were to draw a horizontal line through the middle of the ellipse and measure, it should be the other way around. The part of the ellipse that is closer to you will be slightly bigger because it is closer to your eyes. It is the same with all things.

    Lots of people, when drawing ellipses, choose to draw sort of boxes around them that are later erased for measuring. It can be easier to see how perspective works with a cube first, with the cylinder put in as a replacement later.

    Don't get discouraged. These are things that every artist struggles with, even those of us with more experience.

    And yes, value exercises are important, but don't feel like you have to do everything all at once. Try to keep it simple while you learn. Draw an egg and a black ball with value and see if you can make that work before trying to make a photorealistic drawing of a person or a plant or a tea set anything else.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2013
    @Fishelle - haha, yeah I learned quickly that the tea cups were ambitious. I definitely had both the pickle and football syndromes with the tea cups, and with the first tea cup, which was basically a cylinder, I didn't even get the curve of the top and bottom ellipses to match :O I didn't learn until yesterday about the box method.

    Today I drew a pear, which came out okay. The outline came out pretty accurate but I wasn't able to make it look like it was leaning away from me, which it was in real life, so instead it came out looking like a differently shaped pear. I didn't draw a shadow for it though so I guess that might have done it. It *did* look like a decent pear, though, even if it didn't look exactly like my model pear.

    I've also been doing blind contour exercises, which has given me some pretty hilarious results. I was scared to do them at first and was so amused when I finally did that I started blind contour drawing everything.