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    • CommentTimeJun 3rd 2013 edited

    I'm probably more annoying to talk at than usually, because everything's going insanely great, and I can't stop gushing about it. This is some of the good stuff:

    The probationary period at work ended, so I can't be fired anymore in a moment's notice, plus I got very good reviews of the work I had done. So that's one thing off the stress list. I may actually fucking know where I'll be working a year or even - gasp - two years from now.

    The novel is getting ready to be published next September/October and it's already up in the publisher's summer catalog. The last content edit was sent out and now there's some language polish to do. Heli did an insanely cool and appropriate cover for the book. This week and last night I got the idea for the next novel, which I'll start drafting as soon as I can.

    I've had extremely great time in the dive school. Last week there was an algae field taxonomy course, which saw us diving in foggy stormy seas doing science - adventurey and fun, and extremely informative and illuminating. Nothing quite like taking samples underwater while a wind storm rips loose the anchor of your dive ship above you. The day job seems to be okay with the school also, which is an ginormous weight off of my back.

    The everyday life with Heli is incredibly fun and rewarding. Neither of us can stay still for too long. Our evenings end up being urban adventures, such as hunting geocaches which require you to dangle under a bridge, sneaking into metro construction yards, going to fish in the shores of the island I live in, doing dumpster diving and selling stuff on a flea market spot that has netted almost 300 euros in two weeks, meeting pals, doing art, throwing barbecues, wall climbing indoors and outdoors... or just geeking with TV-series and games. This week I'll take her to do an intro dive, and in the weekend we'll go try horseback riding on a friends' friends' horse. I haven't dared to even hope for an everyday life like this, but there I have it. <3


    The money situation is looking up, which doesn't mean it looks good. I'll be having a couple of more really lean months, until I'll actually start accumulating something else than debt. I'm facing an 1000+€ bill from the dive school come July, and I still don't have all of it together, and it looks like I won't. This means I'll have to borrow some money again from pals, which stings since I've worked my ass to be able to repay those debts. Luckily most of our adventures are totally free or at least really cheap.

    My weight loss has plateaued and rebounded a bit. This really annoys me. I'm now three kilos behind of the plan. Sigh.


    @Rachæl: Boo at the sickness :(
    @Oldhat: Boo at the work situation and phew about the cancer stuff being cleared :(
    @Chris: What glukkake said - bail out, bail out!

    @everybody else: Damn, you people are awesome and going strong.
  1.  (11026.2)
    I am in an incredible good place right now.
    With 60 hours or so to go in my indiegogo campaign, I've reach our goal. Which means the next 2-3 weeks I'll be spending building a spaceship! How fucked up is that?
    Finishing work on the scripted comedy I've been editing. and it's solid. Its got lots of solid laughs and the producer is a guy who knows exactly what he had (his goals are ambitious, but realistic) and I want to work for him again.

    Money is tight. tax return was delayed cause I owe some stuff from 2011, which turned out to be mostly me not filing a piece of paper saying I owed nothing AND the government losing track of the payment I made when I did owe money. hoping the 2012 return comes in before my property tax is due.

    @grease - appreciate the offer to help me build the ship. Right now I think it is covered, but if I need a hand, i'll be in touch. (really do appreciate it, just don't want you wasting your time as I already have 3 of us on this)
    @Vorn - Glad to see things are going so well. Not annoying at all at this end, great to read that some one's life seems to be going to well. (money is an issue, yes, but fuck it right? It's a made up thing anyway)
  2.  (11026.3)
    Cheers mate, I'll be glad to help out if you need any extra labour.
    • CommentTimeJun 7th 2013
    I feel beat up. Flat. flabby. Absolutely nothing is going on and I'm not working on a damned thing. And that's probably why. I've slipped back into recumbence just waiting for motivation to appear. I'm not good at cultivating it, but I had a little bit just a month ago. I was doing hot two weeks ago, working, exercising, eating (mostly) well. *sigh*

    I don't know why I undermine myself, but it's as reliable as the sunrise. Just... I hate it. Kind of. I hate it with all the energy and verve of honey dripping out of a nearly empty bottle. I have no energy whatsoever. There was stuff I wanted to do. I guess? It's like a memory of a story I heard one time. "Oh yeah that" I think when I recall my hopes and dreams. I don't like that time is passing. I am keenly aware that I won't always have the opportunities I have now. Financial and other resources may become even more dire. I won't have a free membership to a gym. I won't have a new computer and big ole room to myself with Internet that I don't pay for... Some day my health will be irrevocably worse. Now is the best time for getting shit done.

    But all I can seem to pull off is laying around, sighing long and dialing up another show to watch on teh Hulu or some such.

    Just when I was primed for thinking that anything I've been has come to naught, that nothing matters and I have to start all over again from zero on all fronts, a temp agency reminds me that they still have me on for writing and proofing in two languages (but only bilingual work, they won't call me for English only *Sigh*), a director friend is poking around for her next project and has me on her list of peeps to call to Make Shit Happen, and finally a few days ago a friend - someone who I wouldn't say I'm close to but who has been around for ages - struck up a facebook conversation with me about another friend she thought would work well with me.

    It comes to ground I've laid, work I've done, conversations I've had. I'm not just coming into this world and being overwhelmed by everything; I've been around for a while and people have noticed. So... even if it doesn't work out the way I want (I don't really want those bilingual proofreading gigs, stage managing has become not worth the time and the FoF is already in a relationship (and heaven knows if we're really even compatible)) I don't have to start from zero. Just push, evolve, work on stuff so what people take from what I've done is really what I want them to see.

    God there's so much to do and I don't know where to start.

    @Vorn - so happy to see things are looking up. I remember a little while ago everything felt awfully shitty and scary to boot. Glad the relationship is happy thing for you. Everything else looks so hopeful it's stupid. }:> IT's a good place to be.
    @Peter - same happy good congrats. Plus, space ship. !!!!!

    Hm. New NIN
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 8th 2013
    @razrangel: I hope your normal enthusiasm will return soon, and some motivation will come your way. Hang in there!


    I just lost another post, which is a bastard as a managed to splurge-out some some stuff I could have done with a wee bit of support on. Still, as Warped Savant said a while back, maybe I just needed to hammer-it-out for my own benefit. Still frustrating, but there's no point getting super pissed-off about it.

    Basically, I'm trying to be a nice-guy with the people around me, when in fact I'm just an egotistical, overly sensitive, ex-junkie who got clean from from a life of sickness-and-horror only to discover I'm a serial killer. I went to a SMART meeting the other day, and I told 'em all. I don't give a fuck about them. I only care about the way I feel. I'm a sociopath.

    Whilst all that is not totally true, it's true that I told 'em. And it felt good!
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeJun 8th 2013

    So Mah Ladyfriend got back from Turkey alright. She had a lovely time, got me a couple of prezzies, met a new best friend from a Colombian university, saw some sights and left well before the country descended into rioting. (All the people who tried to assuage my fears? MY FEARS WERE ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED.) Now she's in Victoria, BC, where rioting seldom happens but they have deep-fried pickles so that's alright. She comes home tomorrow. (SHE travels. She keeps threatening to make ME travel. We'll see.)

    Writing is going at a pace that's ... interesting. It's stop and go and then GOGOGO! Some good stuff. I'd forgotten how I could impress myself.

    I feel sexy. Dunno why. I just look at myself as I pass a mirror and think "Not bad at all." I did that thing where I walk down the street and women look at me as if I were covered in bacon. One teenage girl's eyes went wide as dinner plates when she saw me.

    Drinking less. That's good, right?


    Work. Fucking. Sucks. Seriously, I need a new job.

    Broke as a joke. (See above.)

    Fucking weather in this goddamn country is SHIT. Summer has been cancelled, due to austerity programmes.

    My dad and I fight and then make up and then fight again. I can see why my mom used to fight with him. (He's an asshole and so am I.) I miss my mom so much, it's like a solid object. Went to the cemetery and it was like running head-first into a brick wall of sadness.

    AND NOW -

    @peter - Yay! Let me know if you need anything! Yay! Hoorray for Peter Kelly!
    @flecky - I've long suspected that EVERYONE IS A SOCIOPATH so that's alright. Keep going, chum.
    @vorn - Good on ya!
    @razr - nice to hear!
    @everyone - You make me smile. Never stop.
  3.  (11026.7)
    @razrangel & @Peter Kelly

    Thank you :) Yeah, 2011 and 2012... were not good years. This is quite the rebalancing and extremely rewarding because there's an actual illusion of hard work, self improvement and persistence actually making some sort of difference - of course with the help of lady luck. God helps those etc. Grateful for every minute :)
  4.  (11026.8)
    @PeterKelly - is this the same space ship that Ms Davies is connected with? if so... small world! (but this *whitechapel* so maybe I should not be suprised by that!) I'd rather like an intro though.. the lady intrigues me... (don't ask don't get etc...)

    @everyone... I'm breaking rules and not doing a good, bad, yay, meh... because I wrote a whole one out, lost it to the ether and... feel much better and realise that I don't need to after all.

    [running away now, won't do this again... I'd promise not to misbehave, but, um... I'd have to stop a) being me and b) breathing... ]
  5.  (11026.9)
    @ flecky- hate it when the net eats my post, but love and support for whatever you need. If I haven't been clear before, The " ex-junkie" thing impresses the SHIT OUT OF ME. Can't imagine the strength it takes, and that you have.

    LittlePurplegoth - no connection to Ms.Davies. but some one else is making a spaceship? TELL ME MORE!!
    Also, don't run away! Rules smules. (seriously, tell me more of this Ms. Davies and her spaceship)
    • CommentAuthorhank
    • CommentTimeJun 8th 2013
    Balls: 2000 miles away from my SO, Roomie entertaining family. Unproductive week at work and side projects. Trying to sort out relocation options to be close to my kid. Prolly have to make a decision that is some what sucky for all involved.

    Jangleplatz: Good review at work, nice bump. Will make relocation easier.

    Props: @MrHex Do what you like. Working jobs you hate is never a good long term solution.
  6.  (11026.11)
    It's all over now, baby blue

    God, I'm a festering ball of self-loathing tonight. An opportunity came up work, one that I've had my eye on for a number of years, and I spent the last two weeks talking myself out of applying for it.

    My reasons were elaborate, well thought through, brutal, and kicked the life out of any little spot of ambition that might have been there. I swear I don't know, sometimes what the sodding hell is wrong with me. Spent the weekend gnashing and wailing at myself, being generally obnoxious to the people, I'm supposed to love and cherish, which isn't very good at all.

    I did think I might spend some time this weekend making up for it by indulging in my long neglected creative pursuits, but that wasn't going to happen because, as usual, everything is screwed up and doesn't work. Plus the wireless connection to the study is borked, because the router has decided that it will not reach down the garden anymore, even though it's been doing perfectly well for the last three years. Just inexplicable. The only way to solve it would appear to be 100m of external cat 5 cable. Also been cleaning mould off the surfaces with dettol. And there are fucking mushrooms growing out of the noticeboard I bought last year.

    The problem is, I think, that I've found that all of the things that made me happy, or gave me a sense of fulfillment (music, photography, hell, a social life with real life people), have been pushed aside as I've gained the responsibility of having kids. Literally, relegated to a moulding, collapsing shed because there's no room in the house. And I've started to resent this. There doesn't seem to be any compensation in the form of a career that's going places, or wealth, or hollow materialistic things, or a sodding great drug habit, or mistresses in every port. My partner can't understand - to her, I ought to just be hugely grateful that I have a large family and I shouldn't want anything more... doesn't work like that. Oh, it's a fucking great mess.

    And fuck, Iain Banks is dead. Incredibly sad.

    It's alright Ma, I'm only bleeding

    I'm fairly resilient, I suppose. Maybe this is the wake up call that kicks me out of the massive spiral of self-doubt and apathy that allows me to trundle along in second gear all the time. I'm fucking forty in three months' time and I can't afford to have all my energy directed into flailing uselessly in all directions without any kind of coherence. I'm trying to mend fences with my partner and accept my circumstances a bit more.

    So far, I have a nice array of vegetables growing, plus a tray of lupins, crysanthemums, penstemons and hollyhocks, although the bastard foxes have been messing stuff up and what the foxes don't get the slugs do.

    Look out kid, something you did...

    @Razrangel - yeah, a lot of that resonates.
    @Vorn - you are an inspiration... I'm kind of in awe of the stuff you're doing
    @hex - yeah, what the fuck is it with the weather? it's weird as hell here too...
    @ peter kelly - spaceship. Cool
    @ littlepurplegoth - if I misbehaved more often I'd probably be happier. keep on going...
  7.  (11026.12)
    @peterkelly I'm am merely aquainted with her via friends of friends... but the spaceship is art intended for burningman best way to show I know is via

    I have misbehaved too much this week. I went a bit far and had to (I decided I had to, only myself compelling me!) apologise as publicly as I was a dick... hence I must behave. I expect to be utterly bad again by next weekend though.

    Now I must away and write/scribe/craft things that are refusing to shut up and let me go to sleep. They won't annoyingly earn me anything (this is getting tedious) but earning always seems to go hand in hand with a f--- it attitude and stepping out of my small spaces and I've not had the confidence for that of late so .
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2013
    Proper gutted about Iain Banks.
  8.  (11026.14)
    Yeah me too. He was the best of the best. Up there with Douglas Adams in the list of People I Wish I'd Met. He's got like 3 shelves in my house.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2013
    Yes, that is gutting about Iain Banks. He was a top-notch author. Respect.
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2013 edited
    There's the base! We're saved!

    - Getting more photo work. Will be going in to meetings over doing an album cover soon. Also have a couple of artists I'll be hearing from who need some promo shots done.

    - Copy editing work is happening bit by bit. Helping put together a client's site and writing press releases.

    - Getting out my books and studying for Level 1 Cicerone certification. Hopefully by end of July I'll be taking the test and can put that on my resume.

    - Did a radio interview last week where I talked about drinking beer at room temperature and the basics off food pairing. I could have gone on longer (and hearing the host's solo talk on beer I should have), but it was a lot of fun!

    - Vegetables and hops are growing well. Hopefully in a week I will have radishes.

    - I made strawberry jam! It's delicious!

    - An international newspaper company is looking at my web site and figuring out if they need a beer writer for their many papers.

    - I'm liking being able to take some "me" time. I feel like I've been reconnecting with a person who I lost a while ago. And she's pretty fucking awesome in her own weird kind of way.


    - Thirsty Wench is getting frustrating. I mean...I'm glad in one sense that when it comes to the local beer media, I'm one of two independent blogs that gets invited (everyone else is for an established news paper/web site), but MAN, having to remind breweries to put me on their press list and constantly asking for samples is wearing thin on me and making me feel kind of unappreciated. Doesn't help that I've been feeling stuck on ideas. Just...ah, working it out, I guess.

    - Weight still bugging me, but a bit less since I'm running every day and watching what I eat.

    - Not sure if I'm heading to NYC on Wednesday or not due to my mom being ill. And even then, not sure if I'll have much time to see the people I want to see (though there is the possibility of not going home with my folks and taking a train back a week later). I dunno. I miss NYC.

    - Am pushing away a lot of friends so I can focus on my own shit. On one hand it's good for me, on the other hand I don't like the thought of hurting people that care about me because I'm being weird and introverted.

    - Still no full time job. But the way things are going, maybe freelance is working after all...? The decision on what to focus on is killing me. In short I don't want to be living with my parents by this time next year.

    - I have a stalker. I knew him back in primary school, we reconnected around 1999 but then I found out that he was one of those "white power" assholes and I cut off all ties. Recently he contacted me (called my dad at home, used a fake name and my dad, thinking he was a friend I didn't talk about, obliged with my number) explaining that he is getting over a heavy opiate addiction, currently looking for work and has let Jesus Christ in to his heart. I wished him luck...and then he wouldn't stop e-mailing me these weird, insane rants (One being a very very long one about how his roommate wasn't a follower of the message of Christ and was evil). And for a while he left me alone...and now he's back. He just sent me an e-mail on my Thirsty Wench account saying that he found my site and responding to some of the posts.I'm pretty creeped out. Have locked down my personal twitter account and am being a bit cagey on the TW one. He is, thankfully, a stalker that means no harm (I've dealt with one that did and it's kind of a relief) but I'm still creeped out and worried that, if I anger or upset him, this fucker knows where I live and has my contact info. However, I should be able to put an end to it with a physical confrontation, I just don't want it to escalate to that.


    And then there was tea:

    @flecky, You and your keychain are mighty. Keep at things you glorious monster you. :)
    @JP, I really wish I knew what to say that could make you feel better, but all I can really say is that I think you're a fucking awesome person.
    @Hex, I know what it's like with the constant fighting with the dad...make me tell you about my old man one of these days. We have some bitter fucking fights.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2013 edited
    @ Kay Orchison: I never got to thank you for some sterling advice you gave me last year. It was about suicidal self-loathing, kicking demons in the balls - that sort-of thing. I've had a LOT of advice in my time, but getting it from here is a special thing. So: THANK YOU!
    @mister hex: Yes, my son; SOCIOPATHS INCORPORATED is what we are. Lesser mortals tremble at the shit we plan from our Sanctum Foul. Making 'em flinch is our reason for getting outta bed. I'm so evil that today I plan to put two sugars instead of one in someone's coffee. And when they groan I will feel nothing. NOTHING!
    Hope your good, mate.
    @oldhat: You got some good stuff going on there. Best of luck with that stalker-bloke, but I know you will be alright.
    @JP: I agree with oldhat; your a blinding geezer.
  9.  (11026.18)
    @Flecky - so fucking glad I was of some use. Actual tears mate. Real ones. Keep rocking on.
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2013
    I would pay good money to see a Flecky/Mister Hex buddy movie.
    Congrats, fleck, let's see some triumphant keychain-hoisting selfies!

    Me, oh, I'm okay. Canadian sunburn from a mere half-hour next to my hotel pool yesterday. Then I went on a four-hour walk and saw almost all of San Diego (and hit some thrift stores and bought some cigarettes and generally fucked around). I'm struggling with the disappointment that this conference is totally useless to me and that the people who gave me awards seem like those cheesy corporate philanthropist types that do it for the media spectacle and expect you to parrot on about how thankful you are and what a great opportunity this is and how they've made all your dreams come true. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful as fuck that people make scholarships for me to apply for (and even MORE fuck-thankful that they seem impressed by the ten minutes I put in to inDesign for my application) -- it's just that they gave me a corsage. A fucking corsage. I literally said "Is this my prom" followed quickly by "Did you give last year's winner [a male] a tiara?!"
    It was gross. Beyond even the gender-profiling (anyone who knows me knows I am not a fucking corsage person) I had walked into the room prepared to talk about my ideas and my plans for the future. Instead they relegated me to the smile-and-pose for an hour and then nodded vacantly when I excused myself early (they were busy working business deals). It was just uncomfortable, and I'm extra exhausted and cranky from it.
    Besides all that this conference thing really isn't my bag. If there were some cool arts/media talks I would probably be all "My people!" but for the most part I've just felt out of place. One speaker (former digital archivist for Disney) basically embodied the spirits: she was shocked and surprised that cool jobs with neat intellectual problems and technological innovations existed, whereas I've been writing about it since my application to grad school. I'm just wasting my time here.

    Thus, surfing.

    (Also, Bill and Argos took really good care of me in my first few days here. I feel super blessed that WC exists.)

    Robin: If stalker-bro ever gets rough, you know you can always call .... well, Lucien.

    JP: As I'm sure you're aware, posting personal stuff on WC means that a whole host of anonymous people get to see your problems evolve over time. (Even moreso if you only post when things are bad.) So I hope I'm not super out-of-line in saying: isn't it time you stopped this shit? I mean, leaving a partner with a squabble of kids isn't an easy choice, but I'm not going to pretend I actually give a fuck about family harmony when you say you feel so downtrodden. Especially since I really do enjoy your photography and writing, and I think you have potential that is being squandered, above and beyond its emotional benefits when you practice it. In a word: this is retarded. If you're not a breadwinner and trying to be a breadwinner makes you want to die, you gotta quit the race.
  10.  (11026.20)
    @Allana, no, not super out of line at all... maybe I was a bit melodramatic with that post than I intended to be, but it was more about the moment of clarity about why I'd been building up such a head of resentment, rather than "I hate my life and want to join a circus", which is how it could have come across. I hadn't noticed the extent to which it had happened until I sat down and asked 'when was the last time I did x, y, z?'.

    Really, I love my daughters to bits, I couldn't bear being parted from them, walking out would give me way more problems than it could solve and hurt people who really don't deserve it, but there's a hell of a lot of work to do to reconcile where I am with where I thought I'd be. The ranty part of me that didn't want to stop partying and grow up needs to start making peace and playing nicely with the part of me that's providing for six people... but also needs a bit of space itself.

    The shit I absolutely need to stop is the useless flailing, pointless anger and instead try and get all the balances right, and yes, "this is retarded" was a big part of my blowout.

    Don't want it to sound, either, that I'm blaming anyone but me, because my hang ups are my hang ups, I grew them myself and made them the monsters that they are today. And I'm not ungrateful for the life I've got, I know that by most measures I'm highly fortunate and never let myself forget that - it just wasn't the one I anticipated, and not one that I considered myself particularly mentally suitable for.

    Part of the fix might be trying to find an escape route from the rat race, but I'm not sure how.

    Maybe there's some sort of manual, "family life and extreme commuting for hard-driven introverts"?

    As for personal over disclosure, god, there's a hell of a lot I wouldn't write on here... I kind of go as far as I'm comfortable with and maybe a bit further.

    Good, supplemental

    Spent Monday evening with the legendary Bob, drinking cask ale in Pimlico. Which was nice. And on Saturday I'm going to Brighton for the lovely kemper Norton's birthday celebrations, which is nice.