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    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2013 edited
    Well now.

    Our Extreme Overlord Si is finding himself incredibly damn busy, what with acquiring more Urethral Attack Maggots, directing an ape who can shoot and other things he can't talk about (Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies) and it seems that I have been given permission to open up a few threads, the Open Mic being one of them.

    You can think of me as a bartender, keeping the place clean while the boss is out of town if that helps. Either way, I must say that I'm excited to be allowed to do this.

    But seriously now. Here we go.

    The Rules:

    The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

    1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

    2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

    3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

    ALSO, because we haven't done it in a while and because we are all old and forgetful, show me a picture of yourself if you want. I'd like to put a face to the words. And no cross-posting from the SPIT thread, either. I'll know.

    Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

    • CommentAuthorhank
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2013 edited
    The shit:
    Well, work continues on at a weird pace with lack of prioritization. I'm wrapping a project, so not forced to wade in and hammer priorities down.
    I am spending a insane amount on doctors after the Colorado Debacle* which is annoying but needs to be done.

    The good:
    Drawing a bit more.
    Got a meaty raise.
    Have a wonderful girlfriend who is amazing.
    I get to keep my job and move to another state.

    The middling:
    Moving to Michigan to be where my kid can reach me. This is good for the kid and seeing him, but Michigan is incredibly safety net void.


    Yay @oldhat! Use your arse eels for good.

    Photo on 6-17-13 at 9.04 PM #3
  1.  (11098.3)

    Medical stuff.

    I'd planned on exercising a lot while on prednisone, but ended up ill and felt awful for nearly a month while the prednisone was making me feel limber, so I've lost a lot of ground I'd covered when I'd been exercising regularly. My vision seems to be getting progressively worse, as does the pain and weakness. But then, maybe it's just the approaching summer. Summer always makes things worse. Also, the Prednisone withdrawal is making me a crazy emotional person and everything fucking hurts.

    Last week there was some crazy sudden storming going on, and the air pressure shift was so sudden that my head felt as throbby painful awful as it did when I had the Lyme Disease brain swelling. Instead of laying down I kept trying to function through it, and by the time my fellow came over, I was not making sense, slurring my speech, and stumbling around like I was drunk. I had to lay on my back for 45 minutes to become normal again. It's frustrating and scary, and I worry how much slow brain damage I'm suffering while I wait for answers to come though.

    Today I saw the new pain medicine doctor, and she gave me some crap pills to take at night before i sleep. WORTHLESS.

    And money. No credit card. Nothing left in the bank account. Just some spare change and maybe a food stamp card with some money left on it. I'm tired of having hair conditioner be something I have to consider if I can afford. I've got a pile of things I've been meaning to mail people for MONTHS, and it's just sitting here because I can't afford all the postage and packaging. ARGH! I'm really really hoping that these money possibilities work out. Being poor is something I can weather, but being THIS poor for most of the past 10 years is fucking exhausting and demoralizing and I can feel it changing me.

    Also, someone I used to be very close to is doing very very very poorly when it comes to drug related things, and I'm really quite concerned that it isn't going to end well. It's frustrating to see someone refuse to look for help (but at least is turning to me as the one person to be honest about things with). I am constantly on edge that at any moment I'm gonna get that phone call.

    Help me out here, Flecky. What do I do with an ex-junkie who is a junkie again, but is determined to quit without help? The only way they quit before was due to incarceration, so I can't see how "on my own" is the way to go. All I do is keep explaining what a worthy human they are and how much they need to treat themselves better instead of punishing themself so much.


    This week I was asked to take part in an invite-only erotic art show, asked to possibly do a photo gig in Toronto in the near future, asked to accompany a performance artist to the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, and asked to be a guest on a WFMU radio show again! The fellow got us guest passes to see Chelsea Wolf and SWANS play last week, and also just got us tickets to see NIN in the fall! And our trip to LA and San Francisco in August is ever closer!

    The prednisone withdrawal might FEEL awful, but it LOOKS GREAT! I've lost a great deal of weight from the weaning off, and my summer clothes all fit now!

    I met the downstairs white people, and I helped them clean up the back yard! I'm so excited! I will BREAK MY BODY FOR A WEEK with yard work if that means I can have a place to sit quietly outside under a tree.

    The past two years I've been crawling out of my isolation shell-shock and learning again how to interact with humans. It's taken a really long time to shake off the awkward when trying to be social, and not feel like i'm wide eyed and clumsy, bleating loudly at random intervals. But i'm getting there!


    Hooray for moving to be closer to the kid! It's awesome to see someone actually altering their life for the good of their offspring. It doesn't happen enough.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2013 edited
    Boo: Oh boy, still no new job. I did get a phone call the other week from the temp agency asking if I was available (I was) but the job they had for me was from 2:30-11:30PM and I wasn't feeling it, so I asked if they could call back with something starting in the morning instead. I really shouldn't have been such a choosey mother fucker when I'm clearly broke all the time and hanging by a thread whether I know it or not.

    Huzzah [disguised as more boo]: I heard my former boss is getting restless and would like to start his business all over again. This gives me hope that I will have a steady-ish job again soon, but it is also stupid of me to be waiting/relying on that for my meal ticket.

    Glukakke, Rachel, Vornaskotti - Thanks for the advice a few weeks back, Glu. I did not want to but I did end up unfollowing dumb innernet crush from all social media things. A few days later she noticed and unfollowed me back, lol, so I figured "that's it, then." We could've been friends but it's too late now. Pretty sure I did her a favor because this kind of thing doesn't even make a dent/difference to girls like her. Now I have that damn habit of checking on her to see if she's posting hot pics. I guess I am the pathetic one for still checking her out. I'm also not sure that lifting your shirt up in order to get validation via internet is as attractive as I thought ( It is hot though). I hate how that makes me sound fucking conservative because I'm all for doing whatever the fuck you want but I guess am still processing this silly, confusing experience of the last few months. Clearly, I don't understand women as much as I thought. Anyway I have been through this kind of of amateur Chasing Amy-esque shit before and have gotten over it every time. But now that I'm 28 I'm really getting too old for this shit. Obviously I still have a lot to fucking learn.

    Also; I have finally started going out to this huge park at night and running a few miles a week. Barely done it twice but I am enjoying the hell out of it already and want to do it all the time if I can. The first time crippled me, but by the second week my legs recuperated and I was able to endure more. It feels fucking great.
    Also; Some passes for SDCC are going on sale tomorrow morning and I don't have much cash but I really fucking want to get at least a 1-day pass. I seriously fucking love the 2-hour trek on the road, and then hanging out all day with friends and taking in the insane atmosphere, followed by another 2-hour drive back home at night. It's a good time that I hope I don't miss out on this year because I NEED to escape and be around my people so bad. It will be good for me.

    Also as of a couple weks ago I have allowed myself to fuckin live a little and walked into a bar and had a pint of guinness. It was badly poured and not worth $5.45, but I was able to enjoy Star Trek while a lil tipsy. I had a couple more beers over this past weekend so I guess you could say I'm trying to loosen the fuck up again. Maybe even get in touch with my old, evil bastard self. I miss that guy. I need the old Blade Runner. I need your magic.

    Applause: Robin: Aha, glad you have taken your rightful place at the WC throne, Robin! It was inevitable, really. I have the utmost confidence in you!
    Rachel: Hope you get through this shit and hang in there. I know you have done it before! I too, know that goddamn feeling when you can't afford something essential. I ran out of my brand of hairspray and I am budgeting around in my head for the day I can go buy it. The shallow, vacuous tart in me feels like I can't live my life if my hair isn't right. But as Emma Frost once said "We must be nothing less than fabulous!"
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2013
    Bullshit: I'm suffering from art block like it's nobody's business. I haven't had the motivation to draw in weeks. My anxiety issues have had me on a rollercoaster for a while now. Some days I'm rather mellow and zen, and others, it feels like I'm going to have a meltdown at any moment. But then I also remember that I do get emotionally out of sorts in the summer, and that this will pass. I just have to cling to my sanity for dear life in the hopes that I don't flip out on someone that doesn't deserve my crazy wrath.

    Yay, shit!: Eh, nothing really spectacular going on. I sold a few shirts today, that was nice. Thankfully, the couple of wildfires near Colorado Springs are contained, so we don't have a repeat of last year's bullshit. I do have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me very happy. And even though he makes weird faces at the interwubs (see above).

    That's good shit, man!: @Rachael - I saw your pictures, and you do look great! I feel your pain on the money front, though. I've been there many times. And improvising hair conditioner isn't as fun as people seem to think it is. "Just use an avocado!" No, dammit, that's my lunch!

    @hank - You asterisked the Colorado Debacle but didn't explain. Not that I blame you for not wanting to explain, but I'm just saying. I am glad you survived, though. I'd have hated to clean that up. ;)

    Oh, and me. All amazed by sunlight and such:

      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013
    I'm gonna make a full post later on today, but for now I just want to say, where everyone can hear it:

    Long Live the Goddamn Bartender.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013 edited
    @Rachael: For some reason, since I got clean I've been a bit "shy" about dumping my history on here, but it never used to stop me in the past :) Anyway, you know my story: I had to reach a point where the bollocks - and utter pain of using - just wasn't worth it anymore. I guess I had to reach total and full-on rock-bottom.

    I couldn't have done it by myself, which can be the hardest thing to admit. So I just got honest with the drug agencies. Maybe your mate could do with some substitute prescribing, do a detox in the community? I had to go into a gritty detox place and then go to rehab, because I just couldn't hack-it in my old environment. Before I got clean I started doing N.A., prob' because I was pretty desperate at that point.

    Anyway, it's true: getting clean is the easy bit, it's staying clean which is the hardest. And as much as I fucking hate people at times, I can not do this shit alone.

    Anyway, tell your pal that if I can do it, then anyone can.
  2.  (11098.8)
    Ha ha ha.
    "Just use an avocado!" No, dammit, that's my lunch!

    Yup, @Dextra, that's totally where I'm at right now!
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013 edited
    The Huzzah: Loving the life of an itinerant arts journalist - this week I'm covering the Edinburgh Film Festival and putting together quotes for a piece on the future of cinema (which, if you're a film maker, you can contribute to here). This opportunity - a 12 month placement on a free paper as a paid Staff Writer - has been incredibly challenging, and the level/pace of work has had its drawbacks, but it's also been an absolute revelation to be working at something I enjoy doing, for the first time in my life, for a pay cheque (no matter how small).

    I've been podcasting, writing features and reviews, doing news pieces and developing new content streams for the paper, and I really feel like it's improved my game as a writer. I'm also getting the re-writes on my novel done, and feedback thus far's been great. I'd rather it hadn't taken 6 months to finish off, but all things considered, slow progress is better than no progress. It's a transitional phase, for sure - I've had to scale back involvement in other projects, and some (like Weaponizer Magazine) are on indefinite hold. But in general, it feels like things are moving forwards.

    I am making music again, and am approaching readiness on EPs for three new projects (a solo single, a new rap duo, and an industrial duo). It's probably the work I'm most proud of, musically, since 2007. When it will see the light of day is another matter, but that's how it goes. I feel incredibly blessed to be working in the creative industries, to live in a city with a vibrant cultural life, and to share that existence with a wonderful girlfriend who is incredibly loyal and supportive.

    The Boo: Still struggling to pay the rent, and the existential terror induced by the lack of decent money, the extra hassle of trying to balance a freelance portfolio with money commitments, and just keeping all the balls in the air on my various projects is fairly heavy. Plus there's the feeling of slippage from my friends and family, and from communities (like this one) which I value - so much of my current creative work is still 'under wraps' that it feels strange, like I've been in hiding for two years. Hopefully that will all change as the various bits and pieces see the light of day. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for the past six months, but feel like I am, in some way, starting to overcome my self doubt again. I can never rely on that feeling sticking around, but while it's there, I'll use it, goddamn it.

    The Applause: Flecky, I just want to say that your courage and honesty are so inspiring. I'd also like to use this space to thank everyone who chimed in on the whole 'what next for Weaponizer' debate - the future of the project is still in abeyance, thanks to your enthusiasm. I'm working on solutions. But it's no small thing to say that the efforts and support of Chappellers like Fauxhammer, musehick and others are what has kept me going, and made me determined to find a way to make it work. You guys are awesome, and I will always have so much love for every member of this community. Also, oldhat - it's fucking cool that you're now Our Glorious Leader. Three cheers!

    You guys have always been massive supporters of my music too, for which I'm hugely grateful. If anyone fancies a wee sneak preview of one of my new solo tracks, go here. It's the first time I've sung on a track in ages, and it's a Thom Yorke cover, so it makes me somewhat nervous. About 100 free downloads there so feel free to grab a copy if you dig it, but please don't share publicly, as the EP isn't out for a couple of months.

    If anyone wants a look at what the label's been up to of late, we just released the new Mild Maynyrd album (by Dan Black, another Chappeller). All proceeds to charity. I'd be hugely grateful if you'd listen and share, as we're trying to raise money for Myeloma UK and some US charities... and it's beautiful.


    edit: here's me reading poetry with the crazy eyes

  3.  (11098.10)
    BoO% : coming back down to earth from something. Final nail in the barrel. Last piece falling into place. Realising that the respite of DP doing a freelance bit cash wise, doesn't actually help me (and the horrendous jealousy that he just gets that stuff, when I slog and am getting nowhere). Not getting any work at all at the moment, and trying to write.... something that can help me (CV, resume, something anything... need a profile doing somewhere...) I have the most horrendous mental block about - and spending time with people you barely know who have more consideration for you (I have weird allergies/diet needs) than your own family throws a ton of stuff into the open... being utterly self sufficient all the time sucks, and it sucks more when however hard you work you're not actually bringing anything in to cover the expenses of just being alive, let alone having the means to do anything else about it. And facing the need to apply for work sends my anxiety sky high and I ended up spending the afternoon completely paralysed wrt that.. that and knowing that I have absolutely *no* referees. I have no one in my life that I've known for more than 2 years, save a couple of women from an online parenting thing who say no and I'm glad that they do because their reasons are sound... (and can't ask either, um, old friend as it wouldn't be ethical). Its misery making to realise that you cleared out a whole load of people from your past life, but that in reality they cleared you out by being disinterested in you or staying in touch with you when you moved.

    Yay? 1: The evening that threw it all into relief. Not having to watch my language and being able to just be me... getting to flirt back with someone pretty without having to worry about social approbrium. Being the person I am and not having to watch my instincts, my 'lovieness', my tactile nature all the time. Meeting new people,getting to meet people you've talked with online but never 'met'...

    Yay? 2: knowing that I won't be putting myself through applying for anything that is 'ordinary'. Not shop work, not bar work, nothing that anyone can turn around and tell me I'm over qualified for it. I'm going to get knocked back pretty much 100% so fuck it I'll get knocked back from interesting things that would challenge me, appreciate my brain, possibly appreciate my body, and at least pay properly on the slight chance that they bother to call me to interview or whatever and decide I'll fit.

    Yay? 3:Knowing what the next art thing will be. Getting a clear head on what I'm going to prep as a 20' for next summer (realising that if I can find the money it doesn't matter a jot that I'm not flogging my way on the circuit for nothing where I don't fit...) In spite of abject misery its all confined to home-related stuff and I'm actually rather cheerful and focussed and... whether its hysteria or happiness I have yet to decide.

    WHoOp! :Rachael...Tree to sit under. all the rest. Dex. looking so yummy in pictures! I won't stalk, promise.... but I want your hair colour (if I ever tried that it would just be... well, very short!) Tex. wow...

    I don't think I've got any sort of picture I can add... not clipping as I'm in broken glasses today (because part of the good evening was not getting, um, home again until the next afternoon and having to sleep in my lenses cause I hadn't planned to be out!) I'll have a dig and see if there is anything I can add to flikr for here that is acceptable.
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013
    @Littlepurplegoth I will happily write you a reference, if that would help. Your advice and support via Twitter's been awesome and I'm happy to talk that up as freelance editing / consultancy. No idea if that is at all helpful but if so, hit me up - you have my contact deets. Big love x
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013
    +: Weight down, words typed up, getting caught up on some brilliant TV (Justified, Hannibal, Arrested Development).

    -: On Chantix again to kick the butts. The nausea in the mornings is brutal, there's a rotating cavalcade of sleep disorders, and my mood, while not set between "Self-Annihilation" and "Warp-Spasm," is all over the place. And I like smoking. No--I love smoking. I've no direct motivation to quit, so even with the drug killing the effects of the nicotine, the habit still drives me to bum one at work. We'll see.

    x: @Rachael--Prednizone gave me the skin of an angel. I looked like Clay Aiken. @Dextra--Blocks are douchebags. @tex--I said it before and I'll say it again, Weaponizer was a big aid in getting me disciplined, and any way I can return that is no problem. @LPG: Good luck on the hunt--don't settle if you can't help it!
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013 edited
    Sometimes the up and down division just makes this exercise so so so much harder. I have so much blargle in me that I need to spew that I want to share that... ugh stopping to call it good or bad just makes the whole system break down. I live in recursion, cycles comeing round and round again that determining whether I'm rising on The Wheel or being ground under it is just too much to take stock of. Or, I could tell you the same thing happening from an up perspective as from down.

    POS: All of my needs are met. I am highly unlikely to not have a roof over my head, running water, ample food... if I need to see a doctor it'll be taken care of, if my truck has issues, same thing. Something way untoward could break this, that's always the threat of life, a disaster, a disease, a tragedy. Yeah, there is only so much room for error. But compared to a lot of people, I've got a LOT of room for play. My dad has good days and bad days and we just have to see to the day to know which it is. My mom just finished the school year so she's home for the summer. OB is home but out of the home most days during the day. Sis is keeping it together somehow. God knows how but at least her hubs is getting back to work. Niece is on summer break.

    I just... I just...

    NEG: I just hate it here. Or I don't hate it, it's just too comfortable that I get a heatedscreamingfury when little things get on my nerves. OB is his regular crazy schizo self, but the bigger deal to me is that it completely disengages his ability to empathize and know when something he's doing or saying is aggravating someone else. Or when he's asking too much of another person; or to realize that he would be better off and so would everyone else be if he could just figure out how to solve whatever obstacle is in front of him at the moment. He's so fucking helpless it drives me nuts because he turns around maintains his right-ness about absolutely everything, never apologizes, never admits that something might be beyond him. And the only thing is that he's sick so I have to let it go, let it be - I am the asshole for holding him to a certain paradigm of behavior that is impossible for him. But my patience is so fucking shot with him. I fucking hate listening to him getting my mom to drive him everywhere, pay for everything and then get mad at her when she refuses to lend him money to buy a love spell from a psychic or some new shit....

    I have no room to talk. I need my mom for everything. I walked away from providing for myself, from solving my own crap. At first it was a respite from the self hate and just my fall back position to pull myself together. But now it feels like I'm tangled up in my safety net and I have no idea how to get on my own two feet again. What is it like to work a full day? What is it like sleep a full eight hours during the night? What is it to eat reasonably, work with people, see a doctor regularly, meet new people and maybe date them? I've been floating for so long I drifted away from all of my known markers.

    The wheel keeps turning and I'm too dizzy to tell what it means that my schedule will become completely centered around my mom next week. She'll have surgery on Monday and from then on be unable to take showers alone, required to keep the wraps dry, prohibited from moving her left arm and likely in a lot of pain. So I must step up and do her work. Cleaning, shopping, cooking... She's long worked herself to distraction on a zillion projects. I can't even keep focus for one. But I have to pick up the slack. I don't know about doing that and getting everything else rolling - career, fitness, health.

    If this were a theatre project I could make it work like a motherfucker. But it's not. It's just me. And I don't know how to make me work. And there's only a little incentive to get to work. (And the risk of incurring more depression if I try anything...)

    I am not liking how I look these days but here goes, a pic of my friend Susan and me all gothed up and headed for the club. The amazeballs closet-room is Susan's.

    I swear to god the linking for photos and videos on whitechapel is the most pissy, inconstant %@#^%^ GAH I didn't do it wrong it just doesn't feel like working for me this time. Fuck. pic here:
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013
    Fixed. In future, right-click the image on the facebook page and click on "copy image URL". That's the sweet one you want.
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2013
    Alrighty. Thanks, Robin.
    • CommentTimeJun 19th 2013 edited
    Okay, I guess it's my turn...


    - A bit of post-travel blues after the brief NYC trip.

    - My beautiful garden is overrun with weeds and bugs have been eating my vegetables. I'm fixing on it, but this is making me angry and sad.

    - Weight is still shit. Almost convinced that losing 10lbs is just not going to happen.

    - Wench stuff bugging me now that I'm back in to things. Those that know me (and that's most of you) know that I'm not really the type of person that likes putting myself out there. Having to throw myself in to things going "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME, HEY THIS IS WHAT I DO READ ME AND PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LISTS HEY HEY" puts me WAY out of my comfort zone and making me feel some pretty big anxiety, as there's a sense that if I stop doing that I'll lose what little success I've been blessed to have. I'm also feeling that, since many people within the industry have found my personal twitterfeed, that I can no longer be myself, flaws and all, online. The oldhat feed is, bit by bit, dissolving in to nothing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

    - Haven't heard from the stalker in a week, but I know he's out there. He's responded to my Wench posts via e-mail. This has stopped creeping me out and I'm now MIGHTILY pissed off. If I run in to him I will be sure to tell him that he has one more area in the city to watch his back and that if I hear from him anymore I will be forwarding his e-mails to a recruiter that he's working with to apply for his dream job (he overshares in his e-mails). Almost fucking done playing the ignoring game.


    - NYC was terribly short, but wonderful to go to. It was so wonderful seeing friends and loved ones and walking around a city that I feel more at home at than the one I'm currently living. I always feel creatively recharged when I go there and damn, this was no exception.

    - I got to see the Ghostbusters Firehouse in TriBeCa!!! I've been in love with the ghostbusters since I was a toddler and I was numb with excitement to just SEE the building and go up to it. It's a functioning firehouse with the ghostbusters logo as their official crest! And they sell t-shirts! I bought one and it is now my favourite "loaf around the house" shirt. Glorious.

    - Wench stuff IS happening. I'm judging an event on Friday and am currently writing answers for an interview thing to be featured on a "Sites We Love" column for a HUGE internationally recognized food and drink magazine/site. So hey, things are good. I've also been feeling the embers burn on that book I was starting to write. Will set up a gameplan today and get working on it. Will also instruct friends with my number to harass me until I start working on the book again.


    @Faux, isn't getting caught up on good TV brilliant? I almost like being in a cave for nearly a year and emerging to check out new shows. Good luck kicking the smoking.
    @LPG, feel free to use me as a reference if you want.
    @texture, You're an incredibly talented and amazing fucker, Bram.
    @flecky, you have no idea how inspiring it has been to have a peek at your journey. You're a fookin' superstar, man.
    @Chris, hopefully you find a job soon! And good on you for unfollowing that gal. That only could have led to poison. And hooray running! tracking how easy it gets over time is pretty fun!


  4.  (11098.17)

    Feel much, much better than I did a couple of weeks back. Was fairly shocked at how destructive and toxic my thinking had become.  Snapping out of that feels like waking up from a bad dream. It's not necessarily that the issues aren't there, just that I want to deal with them more gently and more constructively than before. It feels like that pays dividends very quickly, just allowing myself to be happy for a while without having to smash myself up against the rocks of some ill defined sense of ambition I don't even understand. My girls helped me in the garden at the weekend, I showed them things and answered their questions and hatched plans with one of them to go collecting shells from the beach for decorating the pots, and when they ran off I felt a surge of sadness at how I'd been shutting them out for so long but also pure joy at realising that there was no need to let that carry on. Yes, I still have a long list of things to fix, but I'm building now, not tearing down.

    I also had a really nice few pints with Iceland Bob last week, and spent Saturday night in Brighton dancing my heart out.

    And then I found one of my Outer Church shots on the front of the Quietus accompanying this lovely interview.

    So yeah, full of love and light for the first time in a good while

    Bad and very run down... have ulcers and sore throat and back pain that's been going on some time. Need a bloody good rest. Work is somewhat challenging also...


    @oldhat I totally sympathize with garden pain. So many times... I don't know why people keep at it, except it's so rewarding when it does come together.
    And fuck the stalker, at least you have a nuclear option...

    @Rachael - sorry for continuing health and money worries, hoping things pick up

    @hank great that you'll be near your kid
    @littlepurplegoth the thought of applying for work terrifies me totally, probably why I've stayed in the same place for ever...
    @raz yay for gothing up...

    @everyone peace and goodwill...

    Edit... Christ, trying to do this on a tablet is retarded...
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeJun 19th 2013

    (Now that THAT'S out of the way ...)


    - Health problem. Solved but had to include the bean-counting Mengeles known as DOCTORS into my life, which I dislike intensely. Anti-biotics. Internal infection. Nasty stuff. Gone now but troubling, to say the least. I always expected my guts were cleaner than a sewer but I was mistaken.

    - Weather continue to be iffy at best.

    (I also dislike this bifurcation of topics but I`m a well-known crank.)


    - Ladyfriend`s awesome.

    - Creativity + Confidence is High.

    - Family is OKAY, although my dad is getting Irish fucking Mist in his eyes and my Sainted Irish Mother wouldn`t have liked that. A bit sentimental in his ould age and pissing about with the family dynamic, just because he thinks he MUST. I dunno. A bit conflicted, for reasons I shan`t share. Suffice to say, somebody`s getting a better deal than they should and somebody`s getting screwed for no reason and I might be in a position to ... aw, whatever.

    - Goin`on a trip to Quebec!


    oldhat - Keep leaping from success to success. Let me know when I can surprise this stalker. I imagine it will be quite a surprise.

    - flecky - Anyone can make the shot ONCE. Zen masters do it everyday and you, my friend, ARE FOOKING ZEN.

    - everyone I forgot - HA! I`LL NEVER FORGET YOU!
    • CommentTimeJun 20th 2013
    @oldhat YEAH, ABOUT THAT: I pulled the plug on the Chantix, because I got the badmind in the very worst way yesterday. I'll try something else. I know that feel about self-promotion, too. I'm half convinced that nobody gives a shit about the regular things I post, let alone me trying to Get Myself Out There. In high school I was voted Most Arrogant Person To Have An Inferiority Complex.
    @JP Glad to hear things are looking up. A night with Bob will do that, I hear.

    Here's a picture of me and my cat.

    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2013
    No solution, just unsolicited advice, but I follow a few 'public' accounts of ppl who also have private feeds so I wonder if you have considered maybe going private on your oldhat twitter - and I'd also consider blocking users if you aren't comfortable with them seeing your tweets. That's why you have the Wench feed after all.