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    • CommentTimeJul 21st 2013
    Where are you @dnewling? I haven't heard of any earthquakes other than in China in the last couple days. My personal observation - so not scientific, but still - is that earthquakes in some parts of the world eventually give us a temblor here in California, say within a week. Nothing I can measure, and it's worth just always being ready. But still...

    Goodness o the week: niece hung out over the week. Lightens up the mood often enough.
    Progress in the kitchen cleaning project.
    Tiny but definite income that let me daydream for a few days. I may yet spring for a massage at the least.
    Theatre works - talking about a play, talking about a company-created project.
    The interview between Steve "Spike Speigel/Starscream/Duke/TOM/and a whole mess more" Blum and Crispin "Alucard/Holland/Red Arrow" Freeman was amazing all the way through, but in particular this final part was just excellent for me to hear.
    Created my very own Tumblr finally! Naturally it's long after everyone else made theirs and subsequently moved on from it as my former evil overlords bought it out. But now I have a place for my beloved drinky-time hobby.
    Took some of the tiny but definite income and bought some stuff I've been desiring - new exercise shorts, yummy foods to prep at home and wine. Not quite as exciting but necessary - and I'm terrifically relieved that I can do this without incurring more debt (I hope *knocks wood*) - the truck will finally get some needed maintenance & repairs.
    Turned in audition. The first one in a very long time. Deadlines are amazing. I don't think it was great (my audition) but the guy wrote back saying "nice work." Of course, he's just they collecting the auditions, someone else will review and cast based on them. *shrug* It's nice when people make the time. And the most important part of the exercise was just setting up my home "studio." I can see what will and won't be a problem and proceed with more info now.
    I did see PACIFIC RIM a week ago and it was FUCKING AMAZEBALLS AND YOU SHOULD ALL SEE IT AGAIN. I plan to see RED 2 on Tuesday with my brothers.
    Finally started watching FARSCAPE on the Hulu. Enjoying it muchly.

    Ills of the week: Niece can be a terrific pain. She's going to be 11 in two months. She's launching headlong into attitude and full blown sensitivity. She can be a snot but GAH one word of sarcasm and she's in tears. I'm not good with kids for this very reason. Hell I'm not good with adults when I see this "I flubbed everything but if you don't tell me I did a good job I'm going to cry..." coming at me. I tend to get even more coldhearted at that point. }:/
    OB. So sick of him I'm sick of complaining about him. There are societies that said that the mentally ill were touched by the gods... Buh? How does that work? Because he's just obnoxious as shit. Your friend singing the Tim Leary song "I'm an asshole?" He doesn't know. Oh man, trust me, he does not know what it truly takes to be an asshole. (and it's better that way, I'll concede)
    Took a gander at hotel rates in a few different cities, at airfare rates, resort packages, wine country tours, spa packages... I can't afford shit. And it made me really bummed out to realize that I haven't really traveled for fun at least four years. Once that thought made itself known wanderlust bit hard and deep. My skin almost feels like it's pressing in on me as I try my best not resent waking up in the same house, in the same corner of the world every fucking day.
    The kitchen still isn't fucking done and there is SO MUCH else that needs attention.
    I am getting fully sick of making dinner for the family. I just actively don't want to. Bleh.
    Dad is being a complete prat. He's such a self-righteous git sometimes and his crankiness is turned up to 1000 these days. He completely mean to my mom, not really able to take care of himself but doing what he can to "live his own life" while maintaining his crankiness if dinner isn't on time, we don't read his mind and attend him right when he wants in the way that he wants.... Ugh.
    I am really terrified to weigh myself. I haven't been to the gym in two months.

    Gotta go... @Alastair, hang in there. That's a painful situation, for sure. But at least you know what's what and there is no guess work necessary. Take good care of yourself - and hell, treat yourself some ok? You don't have to explain yourself to anyone for a little while.
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2013
    @Razrangel. The quake was near Wellington, New Zealand; 6.5 and equivalent to 100 Hiroshima bombs. We were so lucky it was deep and not under the city, otherwise we'd be in a disaster zone and it would have been the long-dreaded 'Big One'. We're still feeling aftershocks and it took a while before I stopped jumping whenever there was one! Seismologists say it's an earthquake swarm - a rash of earthquakes around the plates and fault lines.
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2013
    Where the fuck am I? Who are all you people?

    In parts because fuck you I've been gone for like two years.

    Firsties, the Worsties:

    - I've been bad. I haven't been keeping up 'round here. Oh, sure, I see some of you sexy folk on the Facebooks or the Twitters or the Tumblr (the latter of which I've grown entirely too fond of), but there's so many new people--and so many of the old regulars have shuffled on to "real life" or whatever--that I've been loathe to come visit much. But, here I am, now, and I'm looking to make up for lost time.

    - A ton of my friends are having family/relationship issues, and it's really painful for them and difficult for me because I feel so lost when I try to help them. I generally listen as well as I can, but the two most prominent examples are hundreds of miles away, so contact with them is not only sporadic but also mostly text-based. Talking about divorce and/or insane step parents and/or depression and all that over the internet makes me feel so ineffectual, even though my sympathies and empathy is heartfelt. And now I feel bad for making this one about me. Whatever.

    - My own depression has been a pretty odd adventure. I'm on Venlafaxine--the generic of Effexor--and it does pretty well so long as I take it exactly on time. If I don't, I get brain zaps and mood swings and tremors and I do and say stupid shit like telling my wife straight to her face that I'm a burden and dead weight and I should probably just die. Needless to say, that doesn't really fly well. So then she gets all anxious and it affects her life and it's all one swirling ball of shit. But I'ma keep taking my pills because it keeps me from wanting to die every ten minutes.

    - I've spent a lot of time over the past year or two just... fucking... loathing the world. And this is beyond the typical "the world sucks none of it matters just kill everyone and be done with it" shit that I went through with depression. This is so much more disciplined. I've become much more liberal as I've aged and my daughter has grown, and now I'm just so fucking angry at the US's inability to do anything sane on a state or federal level that I'm considering dropping out of school and just moving to an iceberg in the North Atlantic. Failing that, I'm going to graduate and we're going to look into moving to some part of Europe that hasn't yet started the slow drag to the bottom that the US is taking. I see the shit that we're doing to our own people (not to MENTION what we're doing around the world) and I just... I can't even comprehend how people have failed their own species so badly.

    - This one sort of straddles the good/bad fence (heh), but I've recently decided to be more open about my sexuality. I've realized for a long time (since I was 18 at least) that I'm bisexual, but I didn't really come out to anyone til I was about 22 or 23, and I still don't typically lead a conversation with it. But, I still haven't told my parents, and I'm getting to the point that I feel like expressing myself outwardly a bit more, and moving to a more neutral gender space to follow my orientation... maybe even more feminine. The difficulty is that I clearly won't be able to keep a lid on it if I'm around my parents much. And I admit that as a 31-year-old adult, I can live my own life and all that, but I still love my parents. I mean, sure my dad's a raving bigot with more guns than he can possibly use and my mom's a fundamentalist with medicated anxiety issues, but they can't be that bad, can they? (They can.) In any case, I feel like I'll be alienating so many people from back home just by cutting my hair different and wearing more girly clothes. It's creating a lot of stress where there probably shouldn't be, but I still feel like it's something I need to do just to stop lying to myself. (The body image issues that are beginning to tie into this are a post entirely their own. I don't know if I'll extrapolate that here. Maybe in a few weeks.)

    - Late last year/early this year as a part of the Fuck the College Student agenda, the gov't capped the Pell Grant system behind some esoteric equation I don't understand beyond it having something to do with your Expected Family Contribution. Therefore, after this semester, I am out of Pell Grant money. I'm creeping up on the Stafford Loan undergrad limit. Since we only have one car, I don't have a job (the wife is the breadwinner, I'm the homemaker.) Shit in that area is going to get tight in a real hurry, and I still have four semesters left. Giant pain in the ass.

    - I came home after a 10-day vacation to discover my computer no longer turned on. One new motherboard later, it does, but I'm slowly piecing together my workstation, and it ain't fun. Using the same computer for Adobe shit, Pro Tools, AutoCAD, Office, AND all my videogaming sort of sucks when it comes time to reinstall. First world problems, but dammit, my summer vaction time is important to me.

    Secondlies, the Something Positive that Rhymes with Secondlies:

    - Beyond the withdrawal symptoms, my depression meds and therapy are working FUCKING WONDERS. The meds stop the morbidity, so I can actually work through problems. The biggest downside to that is learning how to cope with having emotions after fifteen years of undiagnosed depression. It's like trying to catch up after fifteen years of being in a jar filled with your own piss; everything still reeks and has this tinge of yellow, but at least you're not in a fucking jar anymore. And I still have to fight with motivation sometimes, but it's better than never getting out of bed (or out of my chair, in the event that I drug myself out of bed.)

    So yeah, folks that think you're depressed? Getting worse? If you have the means, get checked out. At least go in and talk to someone trained to deal with the shit that's shooting around in your head. We're not supposed to go through it alone.

    - This is going to sound really superficial, but I now have almost enough guitars. Between the wife and I we have five electrics, an acoustic, and a four-string bass, so I can leave the electrics in pretty much one tuning and never have to worry about moving more than one knob each. Plus, they're all significantly different body styles, so we have just about every tone we can think of covered. I don't know why this means so much to me, considering I don't have a band and I'm hardly even writing music anymore, but it does. If I had a bucket list, "owning all the guitars" would definitely be on it, and I'm really close to being able to check that one off.
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2013
    - I'm writing. Like, I'm legitimately writing, revising, and submitting work. Only one (non-paying) publishing credit so far, but the poetry world kinda blows for getting money. AND I'm taking classes on writing, which is something I'd never done in many, many years of college. I should be graduating with a minor in Creative Writing if I ever figure out the financial side. Granted, a minor don't mean shit (hell, a master's hardly means shit in writing), but I really, really needed--and need--the interaction. I have a couple people I bounce stuff off of, but I so rarely get workshop facetime. But with any luck, I'll be back soon shrieking about being published.

    - I'm coming up on a year and a half of vegetarianism, and it's awesome. I feel great, food is good, and cleanup is a breeze. I've cheated now and then and almost every time I've regretted it thanks to the backlash from my digestive tract. I keep meaning to take the next step and go dietary vegan, but goddammit cheese is too fucking good. (Also milk and eggs are in just about everything.)

    - I bought a bike. A nice bike. Not a glorious bike, but the nicest bike I've ever owned. I'm planning on commuting to campus with it, which is about 5.5 miles one way. I'm increasing my time a bit, and I should be good to go by the end of August, when school starts. I still have no idea what I'm going to do when snow flies, though. But I've lost almost ten pounds since I've started riding, and it's hard to argue with that.

    - Since deciding to come out more publicly, I feel a lot less strained. Even though I know that in actual productive conversation orientation rarely comes up, it's so good to not be terrified of hiding it, worrying about what happens if for some reason it does (Which, of course, lends itself to the negative aspect of it above.) It still feels awkward, though, being relatively new to the LBGTQ world as a whole. Eventually I'll get on my feet, though. Figuring out where to take my wardrobe and style is going to be a little taxing, though. Eh. I'll get there.

    - Overall, life is pretty fucking good. I mean, all that stuff up top blows, but at the end of the day, my wife and daughter rule, I have just about everything I need, and I have very few wants left. I have a lot of stuff to be thankful for, and I'm really happy for the first time in a long, long fucking time.

    Thirdsies, Some Wordsies (For People What Need Some Wordsies):

    First, anyone feeling depressed--do whatever you can can to get help. I know I said it before, but it's so so important. Even if you don't think you'll go through with suicide? Talk to someone. See what's available. There's other ways, and chances are real good that you mean a whole lot to someone. Just because you can't see a reason to live now doesn't mean there isn't. Yeah, general platitudes, but as someone who's been there and been lucky enough to get through it, you just gotta keep on trying. It's hard, but it's better.

    Second, Robin--You'll pull through. You always do, because you're you. Ain't no one gonna mess with a tall woman with an ax and boxing training. Not even god hisself. Besides, who would hand out the genital-mutilating animals with you pacing around, hurling empty beer bottles at everything that moves and muttering things about hops steeped in unicorn blood?

    Third, the old guard regulars--Hey. I still keep up with most of you through various media, even if I don't say much. Once I get my civilian drone network up and running, I'm sure we'll have lots more contact.

    Fourth (and finally), new folks I haven't met--Hi! I'm rickiep00h. Clearly. I'll try to be less of a rat bastard than I was when Warren was around. I realize that doesn't mean much to you, but I assure you, it does.

    OH! Si! I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED YOUR FUCKING WEBCOMIC. It better be good all the way through. I got my eye on you, you shifty bastard. (I have read your Badlands run, and it was a lot better than some of the other Badlands stuff has been. If that's anything to go by, WYWH ought to be a fun little romp. We shall see.)

    Picture... picture... OH!

    Me as of this morning, freshly shaved and seeing what I can do with my mop of a haircut until I can figure out what to ACTUALLY do with it.
  1.  (11098.5)
    The Bad
    -Speaking of Insane Step Parents...I think that says it all. The shrinks are stopping singing look on the bright side of life, and I kinda wish Warren would mysteriously appear and just do his gruff old man thing and get my stepdad to shape up and be human again. Fuck you, ASSHOLE MAN, TO THE EEL PIT, or BEHAVE and be decent to your family! RAWER.
    Sometimes it doesn't seem real. Sometimes when I think about stuff or talk to mom or group it feels too real and I want to curl up and cry. Its like living in a house made of glass shards, and knowing that underneath your feet is a time bomb. I don't know how things will go.

    The Good
    =Just being able to spill my guts to folks does help. Makes me feel more stable, less stuck in the middle of nowhere at the center of a chaotic whirlwind. I've also made friends with a girl in my therapy group, and my second job is doing well, and FUN, and I'm learning more and more about programing and computery stuff. Like, as horrible as hometime is, being at job #2 is just ....awesome. Even if I have to wake up at stupid in the morning to do it.

    @Rickie - It might just seem like facebook or text or whatever. But sometimes just knowing someone's listening to you and not (I hope) staring at you googly eyed and such and being rational and normal helps. It might not seem like logical help, but it helps anyhow.
    @dnewling- Glad you survived the quake. I always worry when people I know go through quakes; havung never experienced them my thoughts are probably a bit off the wall. Ehugs and such.

    @Folksies with Depression
    -Get help if you can. If CBT doesn't work, -it doesn't do crap for me- try other therapies. DBT's helped me and is worth a look, at least. If your therapist or counselor is a ass, find a new one. There are good people who want to help, and a lot of it is finding the right people who jive with you, and can understand your style of thinking and behavior and what'll work for you. Try to remember that it is okay to take time and do things for yourself, too, and to give yourself a break.

    -I try to sneak online to chat when I can. Miss you all and enjoy seeing you folks around even if I can't always stay a lot. I like knowing you folks are 'there', wherever there is. I enjoy reading about your lives, good and bad, and knowing that you guys really are out there and awesomely brave, creative folks. I really wouldn't be here without you guys, so many times over.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2013
    Not going into detail because I'm bit too tired too, but needless to say - I'm loving my new job, but I hate my coworkers. Today's lunch break involved reminiscing about frat parties, followed by slut shaming, and then fat shaming. Everyone is so goddamned heteronormative and vanilla. I had to explain to my coworkers what people "do" at comic cons. I get along with some of them on an individual level, but put them in a group and I just want to get the hell out dodge.

    @rickie - good to see you back!! Good luck with all the sexuality stuff. I still can't come out to my parents about being pansexual, and I've tried. But I've got enough friends where I can express all that with and be all LGBTQ goodness with, and that helps. It also really helps that my husband is really supportive of me when I'm feeling more boyish and genderqueer.
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2013 edited
    Aftershocks continue, but no more earthquakes right now, thank goodness.
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2013
    welp. not getting into Canada any time soon.

    so... kinda adrift and a little shellshocked.
    • CommentAuthorhank
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2013
    The Torrential Downpour
    My sleep and exercise schedule is still fucked, not sure how long it will take to fix it. The Neurologist keeps trying to put me on shit that has side effects like uncontrollable anger, suicide risks or increases depression. Not ideal.
    I'm 1500 miles from Dex and I miss the fuck out of her.
    I need to go to Michigan in August and burn 2 days of leave to do so. Harumph.

    The gentle summer rain
    The malaise is lifting, this might be the return to normal that I needed.
    I am writing like a mad man, mostly political and civic opinion oriented stuff, as I don't seem to have the ken for fiction. Doing it on Tumblr, which is probably the wrong medium for it, but I like the interface.
    I see Dex in a little over a month.
    I may have found a place in Michigan I can afford and my budget looks livable, if I can kill off the CC Debt from being sick.
    My kid will be with me 50% of the time once I am there and it will be a big help to both of us.

    The tide that lifts all ships

    @Raz, income is good, it helps with acquiring more, even if it seems insignificant. Keep at it.
    @rickie, I'm glad you are able to be out and finding it more comfortable. Being oneself always helps life be a little less fuckish.
    @my fellow depressed folks, hang in there, get the help you need, whatever you need.
    @robin, Your tenacity and courage are inspiring. Keep at it, woman.
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2013 edited

    Got the Adventure Girl back from her travels up north in her native habitat. She left a few days early, and the end of the last week has been typically fun. We've done geocaching and found new awesome areas of Helsinki, gone to a techno club and had an awesome time there, spent the hangover day browsing pet stores and planning our aquarium, going on an outdoors gig picnic and doing some fishing and proof of concept perch fillets for sushi; petted wild baby rabbits, gone rock climbing where I again pushed the limits of the fear of heights a bit further by rappelling down vertical walls (and having to actually come down to rescue AG who'se rope got pinched in a crack on the rock wall and she got stuck in middle of the wall), seen some hot air balloons launch from the field literally right next to my house, and so on. I'm still marvelling on my luck of finding such a perfect match for a gf. When we are together, I forget all the shit with finances and timetables, and we'll just head for some adventure or geekery. Makes the Mondays feel good.

    We also had an awesome recording session with Viihteen uusi aalto. The Fucking Novel is a bit behind the schedule because some of the proofreaders were on holiday or moving houses, but it's still on track. I'll get the fucker out of my hands by the end of August. My mind is still reeling on the thought of that.


    The same-old same-old with the weight and the money, and a little bit about schedules. There's one period of dive school in August, three gigs from Älymystö, two of which are abroad, and finishing the novel. Also should manage to fit the day job there. Unless everything works like clockwork, this is somewhat suboptimal, although all of these are very fun and positive things.

    I went through my finances from the last three years with a tight comb, and it was a rather painful journey through anger, annoyance and frustration to sort of relief and a feeling of freedom. Sort of like the emotional soundtrack of those years in fast forward. I could really see where shit went haywire, but it's hindsight 20-20 speaking. A shit-ton of "if onlys", which I need to remember are quite useless. If I hadn't been feeling totally burnt out and stressed to my limits, I wouldn't need to live on noodles now, imagine that - also, if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, and all that shit. I think what I brought out of that was some more sense of closure with all that's been happening in the last few years, and seeing in clear cut numbers how much better everything has been since the turn of this year.


    @Argos: Oh, that crowd sounds positively... splendid :/ Go shock them with your awesomeness.

    @rickiep00h and hank: Congrats on the writing! And rickie, about the vegetarism - I know, right! I never expected any sort of change in how I feel to come out of that change, but year and a change later colour me surprised.

    @Flabyo: Awesomeness with the game project! :)

    And everybody dealing with bike thefts, yeah - we were once again talking up here what a fucking low-life thing stealing a goddamn bike is. Double especially if it's a sort of lo-fi bike, where you'll just know it may be the only mode of transport the person has, and they probably have no insurance for it either. That's just utterly douchebaggy, considering the paltry sum you'll get from such a bike.
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2013

    I am finding that the Little Blue Boys thread seems to vanish when I load the Whitechapel page. Then it appears again. And now it has disappeared again. Has anybody else experienced this problem?
    • CommentTimeJul 30th 2013
    The good:

    My job ends in two days! Then I'm off to the music festival thingie I work every year. Then I get to hang out with my mom. Then I get to hang out in Toronto.

    The bad:

    My job is (was!) killing me. Friday was a huge row that actually involved my boss trying to withhold my pay. TLDR: Old senile people are a problem to work with.
    My bike broke on the way home Friday, third time. This time in the middle of an intersection, in rush hour. My pedals were suddenly only 90* away from each other. The brakes worked though! So this third visit to the bike shop was free, and came with their gravest apologies. Didn't stop me from being pissed off though.
    Then Sunday night the boy sliced off a chunk of his thumb while making me nachos. He's not so good at heavy bleeding, turns out. Decided to head to the ER last night to see if they could cauterize it, rather than my shoddy bandage-and-pray method. Nine hours later .... nothing. Nine fucking hours in an ER for a fresh bandage and some French laissez-faire advice. I guess the tetanus shot was probably worth it. But I'm still pissed. And the huge scary $1000 out-of-province/what-if-Ontario-doesn't-pay-for-this bill looming over our heads also isn't cool. Also he's off work for a few days which won't improve his mood any, and being bored in this city is already #1 on the list of shit-that-sucks. Me taking off for a week will only make it worse. Trying to finagle him to come with me; depends on how his meeting with his boss goes today. Guh.

    The you:

    Alastair, what's up? We couldn't possibly have looser immigration laws. What are you, a convict?
    rickiepooh, welcome back!
    • CommentTimeJul 30th 2013

    - Weight still...weird.

    - Catching up with work is killing me a bit. Still have a wedding to edit and an article to file.

    - My gmail has been fucking up like crazy the past few months. Some e-mails not even being sent. Anyone else having this problem?


    - Soul-sucking depression hasn't been hitting me as hard!

    - In the middle of a 2 day photoshoot. We shot in the clubhouse of a biker gang and despite the client looking rigid and posed in a LOT of shots, I have some really good ones that can be used. I sent a first wave of photos from yesterday out and got a lot of "You're incredibly talented" and "you captured him perfectly" statements. So...I'm happy.

    - Finally got the album I did photography for from client. Looks awesome! One shot in particular I'm glad they used!

    - Was on my first panel in a beer festival! It went very well and apparently I know how to work a crowd. Managed to get a lot of cheers, laughs and claps and was told that the other panelists. Enjoyed it a lot!

    - Have been invited to speak on a panel about Women in the Beer industry this Friday at London, ON for a beer fest. To the point where they're actually paying for my train fare, putting me up for the night and giving me tickets to the fest. First time I've been sent in for something of this sort, so I'm really looking forward to it!

    - A half hour before I have to leave the house and go out on the shoot. Screwing around on the internet, sipping coffee and listening to KMFA (my favourite classical station ever).


    - Rickie WELCOME BACK! Best of luck with the sexuality stuff. I wish I could offer some advice, but having family in the entertainment industry, they were pretty blasé about me being bi. BUT! A a good and wonderful circle of support is always amazing. And as far as vegetarianism goes...yeah! It's a lot of fun. I'm an omnivore who primarily eats vegan for no other reason than I love it.

    - dnewling, don't know, mate. Sorry.

    - Allana, hope the boy is able to come back to Ontario with you!

    - Everyone, you're all wonderful. Thank you so much for the support. Really.

    And here's a pic of me with the homebrewing 101 panel on Sunday.

    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeJul 30th 2013 edited
    @ Oldhat: no gmail problem so far, but I've been plagued by extremely slow Internet links. Apparently there's been a huge cyberattack on Spamhaus that has clogged the Internet.

    Update: it's in the morning paper that there is a new gmail inbox that has been causing problems and takes some getting used to.
    • CommentAuthordnewling
    • CommentTimeAug 2nd 2013
    Whoopee - my Internet is working properly again! It had too much malware on it.
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2013
    Damn. I'm watching everything fall apart in real time. It's so immediate I'm having trouble keep track of time. july ended and August rolled through a couple days before I even noticed.

    @dnewling no real quaking for us here. Small things here and there, hard to distinguish from the house settling or heavy truck rumbling by. I'm slightly relieved but if there's another major shaker in the world I'll be back to nervous. *sigh*

    Brother is still around, still being a ginormous asshole. And I'm still fighting with myself between shunning him and encouraging him eat a bowl of dicks (silently because we live with my parents and they're far too young to hear language like that), and trying to just keep calm and contain the schizo tendencies (as if such a thing is possible) in an effort to keep him from suffering even more. Because even when he's quiet and still for just a moment he realizes just how shit his life really is. The schizophrenia, delusions and paranoia keep him removed from being a 35 guy with no prospects for work, education, relationship or even being trusted by another person. That's a sucky, painful life that I would never wish on anyone. Except for a right asshole. *sigh*

    Dad is sick. Again. Nothing unusual but the normal flare up of gout-arthritis. His joints swell, he can't move an inch without screaming in pain. Eating is difficult. Sitting becomes painful, walking is excruciating.... And he throws tantrums because who can hold on to their temper when every fucking thing hurts? But these tantrums have become brutal to everyone else. I have zero patience for them and then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him. And he pushes away my mom who has nothing but kindness and patience for him... so now the last person willing to sit with him through all the bullshit just doesn't want to any more. She sends me or my baby brother to talk to him to find out what he wants. But... he a) relates to us like a parent and therefore doesn't want us kids trying to take care of him and b) sees our inquiries to his state as what he "wants" instead of what he _needs_ which in no way helps get him the proper medical help. But it does help get him chocolate ice cream. GAH. So yeah, he acts like a five year old, but we're not allowed to discipline him like a five year old.

    I still haven't been to the gym, really. I went one day at the end of July and haven't made it back. Clearly I have to just buck up and go every flippin day until I don't have to force it anymore. Tied in there somewhere is my girl bits that [censored: TMI] but, also [censored: TMI] and so I'll have to buck and see a doctor just to be told oh well too bad that's just how it goes sometimes. Argh. I don't even want to weigh myself. And I just can't stop day dreaming of what it would be like and how lovely it would be to be fit and healthy and be able to pull on my old clothes and go be fancy in pretty dresses and... *siiigh*

    Yeah, the overwhelming portion of my life is a disaster. My professional side is more or less no existent, which is impressive since that's how I would have called it a few months ago but now it really is pathetic. And I keep thinking to myself how other people scrape together ambition and don't let things stop them and how the fuck am I ever going to call myself in that number when I spend all of my time recumbent in my bed poking at various distractions and grumbling about my family. I freaking HATE living here but if I don't get my shit together all I will be able to say for myself will never be distinguishable from the sturm und drang of your typical teenager, who at least has the excuse of child labor laws and curfews. Blah. I suck.

    I got to take my dear friend out to dinner at a fancy schmancy place and we had fancy cheeses and schmancy wines and some pretty awesome food in between. I miss getting to do that. I probably won't again for ages to come. I just wanted one completely irresponsible evening for a change. I've limited myself to being moderately irresponsible which is moderately dispiriting and only moderately freeing....

    I've started watching MISFITS on Hulu and holy hell it is awesome!! Damned well written and performed! TV of this calibre is very, VERY rare.

    Allana - yay for vacation! Travel safe and enjoy! And goodbye to stupid killing jobs!
    Rickie - Good to see you back. Sucks to watch friends and loved ones struggle and hurt. Seems like we should be able to help but really the major thing that seems to do the most is just listening and maybe offering a pint to soak up their woes.
    Argos - sorry about the shitheads you have to work with. I'm never sure which is better, a great job or great coworkers. Having cool people around me with the same attitude toward the shit job we had with the shit company made staying there much, much easier to bear. Concentrate on the gig and indoctrinate newbs on the essential necessity of not being a dickhead?
    Alastair: Hang in there man. Breathe and grab every moment with both hands. Something good will crack loose eventually.
    • CommentAuthorhank
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2013

    I'm pretty sure I have been radicalized in the last two months. I no longer have faith in my government nor anyone at the Federal level. I just broke off a ten year relationship with a very dear friend because they work for the DEA and don't want to complicate their life. I want recall elections for the entire US government. It kills me to feel this way.

    I'm at low ebb about most of the relationships in my life.


    I have been writing. Yeah mostly political screeds, but writing. 300 words a day minimum, six days a week.

    I'm on track to have my move to Michigan sorted by November. A good thing, as I think DC has finally eaten into my brain.

    Mas y Minos

    I guess one more voice cannot hurt in calling the government out on the bullshit.

    @everyone: Thanks for being here and keeping WC running. It's changed since W left, but I think you guys are doing the concept proud.
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2013

    In two weeks I get braces. I got the estimates for it today. Hoooooly shit ow. At least my dental insurance covers some of it and my job pays okay and they have a payment plan. But fuuuuuuuck.

    On the one hand, fuck aesthetics, okay so my teeth got crooked, fine. That's not what I care about. What I care about is that in the span of three years, this happened:

    On the left, summer 2009. On the right, summer 2012. That is me biting ALL THE WAY DOWN AS FAR AS I CAN on the right. That is me casually smiling on the left. Notice that on the left my teeth overlap. Notice that on the right HOLY CRAP ONLY MY BACK MOLARS EVEN BOTHER TO TOUCH. THAT IS ME BITING DOWN ALL THE WAY. Three years.

    That happened over the course of three years. Three. I started lisping. I can't bite things in half. I got my previously perfect wisdom teeth out so that when I get braces I am in them for less time. The gap closed significantly (though not all the way) as a result, but given how quickly shit went south, GUH.

    Feeling poor.

    Plus blargh blargh normal horrible emotional crap, bruised heel bone still bothering me, and eating my feelings.


    Uh. Cool potential stuff happening for the fellow? Friend called me pretty totally unprompted? I can DRINK now, so I will be making boozy milkshakes whenever I have to get a wire changed on my braces?


    Normal sympathies for everyone who's dealing with bad shit, but you know what, EXTRA AWESOME HIGH FIVES for the cool shit that's happening for people too. I know people usually reserve this space for e-hugging the people who are sorting through annoying bullshit in their lives, but let's take a moment to appreciate that y'all are some damn fine folks and a few of you are getting the recognition you so MASSIVELY deserve.
    • CommentTimeAug 9th 2013
    Caroline! You're pretty every day. I think we all just take that as a given.
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2013 edited
    May as well write this while I'm still pretty wide awake....


    - I guess I was overdue for a client like this, but found out that some poster photography for an event I did a few months back has been scrapped...for a stock photo the organizer found on google image search. On one hand, it bugs me and I hate feeling like I did something wrong or my work wasn't up to snuff, but on the other was a job, I got paid. Plus *I* like the photos, and since I didn't sign anything saying I couldn't showcase them on my site, I'll do just that. And I get to add a person to the "don't accept work from" list, which was getting kind of lonely.

    - Wrote a guest post for a blog about a time when my brother was still alive. It was a good story that I remember fondly, but thinking of him always makes me miss him.

    - Always tired. I think it has something to do with all the exercise I do, but am not sure. Most days lately I am physically exhausted.

    - Stomach acting up again. The two waves of tests were inconclusive, so I guess I'll be back at them. WHEEEEEEEEE.

    - Feeling like I'm getting more writing done when I'm on the move. I sat down and wrote more on a 2.5 hour train ride than I have in weeks. Huh. Weird to think about. Ah well.


    - I'm starting to lose weight and keep it off. Bit by bit, I guess I'm getting there?

    - I'm swamped with work all the time, with more coming.

    - Scheduled another TV appearance.

    - Did another beer fest panel which went great and...damn, I felt like an actual celebrity. It was just wonderful!

    - I'm getting more photo work, so that's good.

    - The hops are growing wonderfully.

    - My cat, who is an incredibly spoiled and grumpy old man to everyone but me (where he's an adorable big kitten who is happy to be around me) is pretty awesome for cuddles. Nice to have that.

    - SpiralTwist from here, bought me a book on woman fighters in the civil war! Incredible book so far!

    @dorkmuffin, yeah, time to face facts, gorgeous.

    @hank, Hope you like Michigan.