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      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2013
     (11098.1)
    I was gonna ask how the hops were doing. A friend in Kingston is trying it out as well. I desperately want to taste all resulting beers.

    Good:
    Unemployment, more like funemployment. Planning all sorts of crazy shit for the upcoming school year. Academia! It's a thing I give a shit about!

    Bad:
    Oh man am I poor.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFauxhammer
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2013
     (11098.2)
    Good:
    -Booked my trip to New York in September. Got my drinkin' shoes all polished up nice.
    -Switched from tobacco to e-cigs, haven't looked back. Cigarettes taste nasty now, which I didn't think was possible.
    -Went to a tarot class, cleansing the doors of perception.
    -Forty thousand words into the novel, which is roughly halfway as I figure it.
    -Weight holding steady at 225, down from 275.

    Not so hot:
    -Have to go back to court on that speeding ticket; expecting another panic attack at being around all those cops
    -I've been flaking at work to the point I've had to block Facebook because of Bejeweled Blitz.

    Errbody:

    You're all goddamn stars, never forget it.
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeAug 18th 2013
     (11098.3)
    Hi there everyone!

    Let's keep this short and mercifully brief....

    THE BAD
    - Still having some rather dark days that I've gone into in the past. they haven't been as frequent as before, but I'm still having issues around depression/self worth. Ended up spending most of this week in bed. Not good
    - Absolutely fucking skint. The unpaid taxes from my freelancing writing work have now kicked in big time. Then my work screwed me over so I only had half my wages for August that I normally get. right now am reducing to living like the worst kind of impoverished student, which was only exacerbated when our fridge broke down last week. Sigga has an AMEX so we could buy a new one, but form my budgeting for next month, i'll only have enough money to cover the bills, rent ,food and paying back the taxes. I won't even have enough money to see my therapist. How can it be that I'm working like an pack mule but can barely keep my head above water? I hate being working poor as it odds on to incease you anger and bitterness. All this is not helped by my local vicinity full of new age-y people/arseholes touting austerity and fetishizing poorness as if it were a cool lifestyle choice. Fuck those guys.
    - My portable hard drive that I keep my music on has packed up and died. Sigga got it for me for my B/day as I was running low on space on my desktop. 300 Gigs of bought/ripped music and I can't get at it. Hopefully I can recover all the data, but it means going to a neck bearded tech wizard who lives in his mum's basement and this will cost a pretty penny. Which of course I don't have.
    - Bloody cat has run away again!

    THE GOOD
    - Am writing again. It's mainly for my blog to empty all the thoughts that are running in my head and it's still tough to get past the "Why the fuck am I even doing this mentality," but I'm beating myself into doing this. And apparently one of my reviews from last year got mentioned on national radio today, as an example of the best music writing in the country. that's good i guess!

    - it looks as if I'm going back to university! yes, in an effort to get some kind of intellectual enjoyment out of my life before i die, I've decided to get a degree in the ol' arts & humanities. Iceland is pretty good for this as tuition fees only cost around $600 a year. Money might be tight by many of my outlays will be fewer as well. I have been wavering a bit on this as I'm a practical type of chap who goes "What exactly will I get out of this degree job wise?" but Sigga and many of my friends have simply said "Who cares? Go and find something that you will actually enjoy doing for a change!" so I guess I'm applying next month and may be enrolling in January. The only thing is what to study. So far it looks like a toss between film studies and English. Any suggestions?
    - despite being skint I actually went out last night.... and I really enjoyed myself! I'm shocked I know, but it was one of those rare chances I got to go to a fairly proper race and get a bit of cathartic dancing on the go. Lots of hard techno and me showing the kids how it's done!

    EVERYYYYYYONE

    You're all lovely people keep. Keep strong and pandas and kitten for you all.
  1.  (11098.4)
    The Bad
    The usual stuff. I'm living check to check. I'm tired all of the time. Work is work. I have a mild infatuation with a co-worker who shows no sign of wanting me back. My apartment is a mess, and the weather is so hot that anything besides sleeping in my apartment isn't really doable. I'm overwhelmed so on and so forth.

    The Good
    I'm applying for SNAP benefits, which should make things a little easier financially. I'm losing weight, kind of. I'm trying weight watchers, which isn't really helping since limited computer usage means I can't really use the website, but I've been getting better and better at eating healthy. I'm thinking about/looking into moving to an apartment that is closer to work, since my gas usage has at least doubled since getting my current job. I like the town/area I live in, so that is a bummer, but perhaps things could become better at the new place. I have a new phone, so at least I can have the vaguest of a presence on twitter. I'm aware that the infatuation is just an infatuation, and while distracting, doesn't actually mean anything. I got a little help and encouragement from my mom with my apartment, so I feel a little less like a failure there.

    Beautiful
    That would be you all! So much happens between postings it feels like there's no way I can respond to you all. But I read all of the posts here and want to give you hugs and cheer you on and give you the encouragement that will make it that little bit easier to tackle the hard stuff and keep on with the good stuff.
  2.  (11098.5)
    This is fucking long. I'm having a time at the moment.

    BAD:

    A best friend I'd known since highschool had me in her wedding a year and a half ago. This past autumn we went on an ill-fated trip to New Mexico together. When we returned, I explained to her that I felt the trust between us had been compromised. She emailed me back, said she understood, apologized. Radio silence followed. Two months later, I was told by an ex of hers that she was pregnant. She didn't tell me. I wasn't invited to the baby shower or anything. I emailed her congrats, but her terse responses made it clear that she had no desire to connect.

    That was four months ago. Nothing since.

    I was supposed to be in LA for most of the month of August. Clients dicking the fellow over made it impossible. When I thought I was still going, I emailed an old old friend of mine, a fellow I've known since I was 15. Ignoring the fact that I've been left without response repeatedly by him, I emailed him to let him know that I'd be in town and that I'd love to see him and introduce him to my fellow.

    That was three months ago. No response.

    I've not seen my dad in two years or so. I'd emailed for Father's Day, outlining the issues that we had between us currently, but thanking him for the cool parts of my early childhood. He actually wrote back, thanked me for the email, and asked me for my address so he could send me a real letter. I gave it to him. Then he asked me if I was going to our annual family reunion. I'd not gotten any of the emails about it this year, and it turns out, my dad was the one running it this year and he just didn't invite me. I couldn't afford to go, and emailed him to say so.

    That was over a month ago. The reunion has come and gone. No response. No letter in the mail.

    I've not been in any contact with my mother for a few years. She's a bit of a Mommy Dearest, like the mother from Arrested Development, maybe some of Louis CK's mom in there, maybe some of Skwisgaar's mom, too. I got an email from her asking for my phone number and address because she was making out her will and I'd not want to miss out on any inheritance, because I "could probably use it." She added that she was "living in hell" and that she wanted to see me. This is an example of a vague suicide threat in crazy mom land. Legit or not, who knows?

    I didn't give her my phone number because I get enough drunk-seeming emails from her already, but I did give her my address. I asked that she not contact me unless she was going to explain to me why she thinks I'm not speaking to her, to explain to me what she takes responsibility for, and to be specific. I figured if she could do that, if she had any idea of wrongdoing instead of just crying crocodile tears out of pitying selfishness for being made to feel like she was a bad mother, then maybe, MAYBE, we could actually have a cordial relationship.

    It's been over a week now. No response.

    I'd been trying to meet up and chat with a fellow I used to be strangely involved with. I've not seen him for over 2 years, but we have remained in random contact. He was a best friend first and foremost, and I really could use some friends, and so could he. He's not doing well with his own demons, and isn't willing to see me because he's "too much of a mess" at the moment. He avoids most of my questions, gives me just enough information to worry. A lot. I can't do anything to help, and he stays away. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or not. I worry regardless, but I had to stop trying so hard to stay in contact with someone who only responds once every 8 emails, with just enough information to keep me around and nail bitingly upset. I emailed him and told him that I feared I was being a pest, and that when he wanted a friend, he knew where to find me, and I'd be there if he ever needed me.

    That was two weeks ago. No response.

    I found online the fellow who trapped me in an abusive relationship a seven years ago. I wanted to finally end that chapter already. To do so, I felt I needed to retrieve the one item of mine he bothered to save. (We were forcibly evicted from the apartment I only half moved out of, and he didn't bother to tell me until after it was over and everything remaining was thrown out.) He saved my McKean signed Caged print, and goddammit, I want that shit back. I swiped it from St. Marks Comics in 1998. I'd not had any contact with him in YEARS, so I googled him, found a new website of his, emailed him, and waited. He actually emailed me back, filled with apologies and sorries and details about his life that I don't fucking need, attempts at earning my sympathy and/or admiration and/or empathy (his mom has cancer and he has nerve damage in his drawing arm, guess what, I don't give a fuck). I just want my fucking print, not to have a back and forth. I am curt and polite, I don't chit chat back, I just want the details, I just want my print. I offered to send my fellow to him to personally retrieve it, even.

    I've been dragged into this non-committal back and forth with him for two weeks now.

    So. Great. The one person who does want to have contact with me is the person who once and picked me up by the throat, threw me down on my bed, and pinned me down while he slapped me across the face; the person who kept me as his isolated and totally financially dependent pet for over two years of leaving me at home alone with no food or money or cigarettes for undetermined periods of time, never bringing me out into the world with him, never having more than $7 in my pocket, never having any idea of where to go or what to do, and not getting any support or alternatives from my family or friends while I ended up a shell of a person.

    This is all really wearing me down. I'm pretty alone when it comes to close emotional bonds with other humans. I just don't have any left. None but my fellow. It worries me and makes me rather nervous to not have anyone close to me aside from the guy I'm romantically involved with. It's ..... isolating. It's not HIS fault. But still. It seems very dangerous to me. It's difficult to end up so rejected so often. I keep trying to figure out what it is that I'm doing wrong.

    How do I repel people so easily? What makes me so easy to walk away from?
  3.  (11098.6)
    Also, unrelated....

    My back went out yesterday carrying sidewalk furniture up the stairs. It was dramatic. I haven't been able to move much. I'm in a lot of pain.

    Also....

    I have cleaned every fucking inch of my apartment, and the cockroaches will not stop. I scrub and soak the floor in bleach and vinegar, I bathe the walls, I clean every corner of every cabinet, and still, they come in droves. In fact, they are appearing in my bedroom now. Every time I move something near my floor, shift my laundry pile, cockroaches scurry about. Move a neat pile of papers atop my scanner waiting to be scanned? 4 cockroaches run away. Nobody on the second or first floors have cockroaches. We've bug bombed twice. The super still hasn't done anything. I feel constantly on edge, constantly paranoid, constantly exhausted. (Neuropathic pains and tingles in my limbs that feel just like bugs crawling on my skin really doesn't help.) I spend so much of my oomph on cleaning up after my roommate and trying to make the apartment SANITARY that I break my sickly self. Having chronic illness and OCD and an insect infestation is really a horrible combination. The fellow thinks my latest manic two week spree of trying to cleanse the apartment is what brought on the current back problem.

    And as always... doctor stuff and money.

    GOOD:

    The fellow and I were on Humans of New York, and gosh, we are cute. (see SPIThread)

    The fellow is awesome and helping me out in many ways.

    The fellow is making awesome art, and I'm terribly proud of him.

    I might end up hosting a figure drawing thingee? Like, host as in "on camera"? Something like that. Maybe.

    I've got a neighbor friend, and he's pretty awesome. We are quite different culturally, but still. He's good fucking friend.

    I might be on WFMU again this Sunday night / Monday morning. (If my back can take it.)


    OTHERS:

    Dextra. I hope this all gets answered and those answers are ones that aren't terribly scary and shitty. Having stuff with the brain is frustrating. With most illness, you feel like your own body is betraying you, but with brain stuff, it's like your own IDENTITY isn't to be trusted. It sucks, and I'm sorry, and I have been wondering if you've had any updates or answers yet.

    Iceland Bob: I'm really glad you are back. I've missed you. Hang in there, man. I've got to come to Iceland someday and have one of my rare special occasion drinking til dawn outings with you.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCameron C.
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2013 edited
     (11098.7)
    Act I: The Bad

    Heh. For once I'm not sure there is too much THE BAD to talk about. My job is pretty shitty, more so the last few months than normal. I work at a large office supply store, primarily in the tech section, for those that don't recall. I was offered full time back in jan or feb and then given many excuses by the store manager why he couldn't actually do what he himself offered me (A new excuse each time, often they wouldn't make any sense and contradicted facts and/or actual company policy). Then a few months ago I was promoted to a manager-in-training which was a full time position and ... I am still not full time. I went through a lot of 25 hour weeks in the last few months, had my hours cut by a whole day for a while when another tech opened up his availability, and generally have found the whole experience the most professionally demeaning time I've ever had. The store manager consistently comes in three - four hours after he is scheduled or leaves early. He makes the schedule for the following week and then proceeds to continue to change peoples shifts. He will sometime not schedule any cashiers in the morning, or not schedule any of the managers to close, or make other very silly mistakes with the schedules. I also put in for vacation four months in advance of when I wanted the vacation and it was denied. He will look you straight in the eye and lie to you or say a series of sentences with nothing but meaningless buzzwords in it. He is the worst in almost every sense. However...

    Act II: The Good

    ... I have a job interview next Tuesday! If I get it I won't be able to quit my other job. I'm hoping I can get just a few shifts a week. If I can secure like 15 hours a week at night I can live off that check and be able to pay my bills and still save some money. It will be such a relief. Plus, I will probably then go to my current job and say, "Hey, I don't wanna be your manager monkey anymore, cool?" Well, since that would eventually mean having an actual conversation with the store manager maybe I won't do that... Yet, at least. I will go in to work and change my availability and tell them I got a second job, which might lead to a more productive discussion then me just telling then I don't want the position anyway. WE WILL SEE. The interview is at a theater in the mall. Mostly, I just want some money so I can BUY GROCERIES and also in the same month PAY RENT. That hasn't happened too often this year.

    Lets see. What has happened since last I was on the boards?! Hmmmm. Not much, really. OH WAIT.

    COMIC BOOKS. A very long time ago I started doodling comic books and released three issues of Scrambled Circuits. About a month ago the fourth volume was officially completed and will "soon" be available in print and, most likely, ComiXology. A collected version of the first three issues will also be available on ComiXology once I fix some technical quirks at their request (Currently 1/3 through editing the 94 page collection).

    Scrambled Circuits Volume 4 was written by me and drawn by me and a bunch of fellow Whitechapellains like Chris G, VertigoJones, vklaus, and Ferburton and also JeCorey Holder and Dylan Canfield. This project was first started last February and now, after artist changes and life events and tons of other stuff BAM it is done. Early responses have been positive. For a long time it seemed like it would be stuck in limbo and perpetually "almost done" but, shit, it now IS done. And it's really made things seem pretty awesome in general.

    Whitechapel can download a PDF of the full 27 page issue here: http://acdpcomics.net/l/scrambledcircuits4pdf

    Act III: The Applesauce

    Rick, congratulations! I'm always one hundred thousand percent excited whenever someone feels able to allow themselves to be more open about the parts of themselves they want to express. Fucking shame it seems to always have that caveat concerning parents, right? Good luck! Yeah!

    Speaking of parents and stuff... Rachael, damn I wish I had ability to express words and stuff towards your post. :( I did, however, see your picture on Humans of New York! Great to hear some things are going well!

    Bob, man, sorry to hear about the hard drive. I've dealt with losing media and more important stuff from a drive dying and it's so frustrating.

    The Credits

    Here I am, Whitechapel. Freshly watered and ready to get some work done. And drink coffee.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeAug 25th 2013 edited
     (11098.8)
    I don't even know where to fucking begin...

    Earlier tonight I was driving home after running at the park when I got stopped by a cop RIGHT outside my house for "passing two stops" or some shit. I just HAD to go run on a Saturday night when the most pigs are out there waiting in the dark. I left my license in my other pants but my family came out to see what was happening and grabbed it for me. Cop patted me down AND I had my box cutter in my pocket but I told him about it. He let me go so I got off fucking light compared to other run ins where I always end up ticketed. Fucking hell, man. I could NOT handle some stupid expensive ticket right now so Cthulhu must have been on my side tonight. Fuck. I think I'll have to run in the mornings now lest I get stalked in the dark by a fucking cop again. I really did drive home as patiently as possible but got cocky as soon as I got within three or so blocks of my house.

    After the cop left my sis let me have it and chewed me out and took my car keys like a fucking teenager and threatened to sell my car when it's so close to being paid off. And mom getting hysterical and crying and both of them pretty much blaming me for not being some perfect grown ass man of the house and not having my shit together at 28. And telling me I should try free therapy or something, what the fuck. Sis said the cop asked if I have a mental problem but she said "he's just cocky." ha-ha, sure I guess. But an event like this is just the opening they needed to rip into me and chip away at every little detail and mannerism and habits of mine. Just generally blaming me for our collective shit loads of neurotic bullshit and resentment. Sister even let out that she tried slitting her wrist a while back but "nothing happened." What an attention whore. Even I would never do that no matter how bleak things seem. God fucking damn it. At least the cop exclaimed about my weight loss when he checked my license. All of this just because I felt like going for a fuckin' run! UGH!

    Also: I didn't get to talk about it here at the time but I was able to start a new job but it didn't even last. Two weeks and that was it. I liked it but suddenly some cunty accountant lady was terrorizing and harassing us over the phone like she was the boss of fucking everything. The lady I got hired with cried because it was just this pure fucking hatred specifically towards her from some bitch I've never even met. So after getting bitched at on the phone again we both walked out of there, she doesn't deserve that shit and she got me hired as a package deal with her, so I left too. So goddamn ridiculous. We were really liking it there until this invisible cunt stuck her nose in. I started getting some wicked nosebleeds after working in there. I've never had so much blood pour out of me before. I've been getting them every week or so but I've got it under control. I've gotta keep my fingernails clipped, I must've nicked something to cause me to bleed to damn much.
    BUT it really is high fucking time I stop relying on people to get me an "in" for jobs and get shit on my own. Sis made the point that maybe I've had it too easy for a while. I don't know. I just wanted to work and chip in and mind my own fucking business. But it is becoming too apparent that I've got to get away but I'm too broke to breathe at this point! Just when I was feeling good and getting a spring in my step from that job. Oh, and those EDD assholes also cut me off. I was only getting like $50 a week on that card anyway. Fuckholes don't know the struggle. Gawwwd. Fuuuuuuuuck. ENOUGH.

    Anyway, I'd really like to not exist right now and unplug from everything. Even stupid internet has brought me nothing but mental anguish this year what with that one chick I wish I never met. Even at SDCC I spotted a bunch of friends at the end of the day but it seemed like they didn't really want me around (all girl cliques, amirite). Gonna go ahead and accept that no one likes, wants me around or believes in me. I've been working on a new comic but I don't even feel like doing it anymore since I've gotta keep worrying about finding a new worky dayjawb. Just wanna not fucking be ME anymore. Ya try to sack up but then everything comes to weigh you down and tell you how useless you are.

    Rachel - Fuck, sucks how the innernet can catch up with you sometimes. I think my mom just found my dad (who I haven't seen since I was ten) on FB. I want to taker her damn laptop away (well it is mine, I loaned it to her since she killed hers somehow) for fear she might get in her hysterical unstable moods and attempt to reconnect with the prick. That's if she hasn't already. Hope your back feels okay soon :)
    Ricky - Congrats on your sexuality. You do you!
    Cameron - Fucking jobs, rite? Glad the comic got finished, it looks good! Thanks for letting me do the cover :D
    Fauxhammer (I hardly knew her!), Robin - Good job with the weight! Now my damn problem is ppl bitching that I'm becoming unhealthy or malnourished or some bullshit. Ugh.
    Everybody-glad you come and check in when you can. glad I can always come bitch and moan and get shit out of my head here at ye olde WC. Still never even met anyone from here but this has always been the place when there really is no other place for a miserable fuck like me to go to! thanks <3
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeAug 25th 2013
     (11098.9)
    Chris, try to hang in there man. It seems that you'e got so many little things weighing down on you right now, that it just seems that nothing is possible or to do something is just too much. And all of this with no money doesn't help either.

    But people do believe in you. I do for instance, and i would really like it if you could keep existing. This world NEEDS you to exist and do great things. This world is overrun by fools, and there's not much we can do about that (not without a flamethrower), but if you can, try to rise above it all.


    Rachel - Oof! a bad back AND cockroaches?? Sounds like hell. When we lived in London, summer was hell with ants trying to get our sugar! You need to move here. With climate change i'M sure it will all go wrong, but since we've moved to Iceland we've never had any kind of a bug problem. It´s great!

    Also, as with Chris, people are scumbags. they never call, always promise to write or do things, but they never do. Sometimes it's not even malicious - they're just to preoccupied in their own shit to realise that their lack of communication sends out a negative message to you. And then they get all defensive when you point this out, because when you tell them they KNOW, but they'd rather not deal with it.

    Also re: the mommy dearest. We often get calls from Sigga's mum during the week. As she's also an alcoholic they range from "I've aaaaaalways loved you," to barely intelligible rants about how her dad has ruined any chances she has had at a fulfilling life. It's....a pain in the rear to be honest.

    Remember this people - 5% of the population is slagheap.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 25th 2013
     (11098.10)
    What Bob just said. This 5% of people who are victimized, self-pitying, passive-aggressive, controlling, in-denial, twisted scum-filth...Jesus, don't get me started. All we can do is keep our neck of the woods clean.

    Hang in there, Chris and Rachael.
  4.  (11098.11)
    @Chris & @Rach
    -hang in there, both of you. Shitty people abound, but at least you folks have whitechapel :)
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeAug 26th 2013
     (11098.12)
    Negs-
    I've not just become my own worst enemy, I seem to have taking to salting the fields, as it were. I haven't been able to get myself to do anything particularly productive toward my goals in ages and in the past couple of weeks it's been hard as hell just to move beyond checking facebook and watching videos. I have this todo list and I know just what I want to get done next and I just sit there and let time pass by. Fuck...

    Distant second: asshole brother is still an asshole. Tired, sick, cranky old dad is still...all of those thing.

    Pos-
    Friends still let me hang with them once in a while and I get to spend a day completely and totally forgetting I have problems or money shortages and what not. Hung with friends this weekend and it was fab. Also got to see THE WORLD'S END which was fucking fantastic and you should all go see it at once.

    Go on. Shoo.

    Ok, now that you've seen one of the funniest films EVAR, we can continue. One of the studios at which I take voice over classes called me in with a bunch of other students to do some recording. Walla - the sort of ambient chatter of a mass of people talking or reacting to stuff going on - takes a clutch of people in the booth at the same time, and when they turn to people on the high end it's one of the most lucrative gigs around. Of course, this studio doesn't have the money for high end, hence inviting students to do it for free. But excellent practice and a real and true recording session is not to be underestimated. So that was a very cool thing that I got to do.

    Have taken on another stage managing gig, though it will mostly kick in this October. Never known a company trying to line up crew this far in advance, but whatev. I won't have to stress out until later. In the meantime I really, really have to get my shit together so I don't hit October and have no time to do any VO or Japanese and thus never really get any done over the course of the whole year.

    Oh, also sent a fan tweet to Dai Sato (writer of, among many others, episodes for Ghost in the Shell, Eureka 7, Wolf's Rain and on and on). On the to-do list is drafting a real fan letter (in which I ask him which philosophers he's studied and still likes going back to), but it'll have to be in Japanese so I'm moving very slowly.


    Cheers-
    Rachael, that pic is terrific.

    Bob, yay for writing and lots o' yay for seeking a degree and doing something you love! Very, very, very important.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFauxhammer
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2013
     (11098.13)
    Good: -Getting closer to my trip. I am going to blow my fucking brains out with Jagermeister. That's what I'm holding onto.

    -Turning 39 next week, and I'm meeting it with mixed emotions.

    No good: -My car is fucked again. The overheating issues I'd had warped the head gaskets, which will cost another two grand to fix. For all the money I've sunk into this decade old Subaru I could have bought a goddamn used Mustang. Disgusting, and it gives me the guilt for going away.

    -Therapy was brutal this week. I was dodging the question of my mother (recap: she beat the shit out of me until I was too large, then she manipulated me, and I haven't seen nor spoken to her in nigh unto twenty years), and it finally came up. We didn't spend too long on it, but I still felt like I got worked over by bikers.

    -Interesting bit of synchronicity, though. My wife got me this birthday package from the lady who taught our tarot class from a few weeks back. It includes a breakdown of one's "soul card", which in my case is The Empress. It represents nurturing, fertility, creativity, et. al.--the mother-y stuff. It dawned on me that I'm very "mothery", in a way. Making sure my friends are all right, taking care of my wife, shit like that. I made the connection, with the therapy shit still fresh, that I think I do that because of the absence of a positive mother figure. I just did it myself, and I give that to my people when they need it, whether they need to talk, need something to eat, or need a momma Tyrannosaurus rex to defend her fuzzy little chicks. That's what I love about tarot (which, I feel it need be said, I do not view in a magical context)--it helps access the subconscious by using symbols to bypass the upper brain, and tells you things you already know.

    -Reading the polyamory thread makes me realize how ill-suited to monogamy I sometimes feel. My wife and I are a great team, each filling in the blanks of the other, but sexually we're not all that compatible. When we click, man, do we click, but we're kind of in a stalemate. She'll never initiate, and I'm afraid of getting shut out and feeling like a beggar. I know there are reasons for that, but she won't communicate easily. So in the meantime, I just get more depressed about it. I'll never cheat--at least, I don't have anything a hypothetical Other Woman would want--but I think about other women a lot, and it shames me.

    -I'm upset about the above overshare.

    -Basically, I'm just feeling like I'm about to buckle under a lot of trivial shit, and it makes me feel like a weakling.

    Y'all -@rachael: See above for mother issues, and it sucks when the only people who want to talk to you are the people you don't want to talk to. Hit me up if ever you need an ear.
    @chris: I know those feels as well. If you do a comic, I'll read that shit and talk it up.
    @everybody: Keep up the struggle.
    •  
      CommentAuthorDextra
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     (11098.14)
    The good: I'm feeling, for the most part, better. A lot of the symptoms I was experiencing could all be linked back to an anxiety disorder and my depression. The depression I've been dealing with most of my life. The anxiety was a newer thing, but I thought I was dealing with it ok. Apparently not. So I'm finally going back to work tomorrow and I got my backpay from my short term disability in so I could finally pay some bills. So there's a huge relief.

    The bad: I was going to leave this alone, but fuck it, I'm hurting. Hank, or the user a page or two back now known as "xxxxxxxxxx", broke up with me a few days ago. Up until a couple of weeks ago, we planned on spending the rest of our lives together. And now...he's decided that he has to go and do everything on his own and "man up" and that he's doing this for my own good and that he's leaving me because he loves me. Doesn't want me getting hurt or hating him or some other ridiculous bullshit. I would walk through the fires of hell for that man, but he doesn't want me to have to deal with whatever the fuck it is he thinks is going to be a big problem. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I've put a good dent in the alcohol supply in this house. But I still love him and I hope I'm able to get him to not toss me aside.

    The hugly: All y'all, fist bumps and bear hugs. One of these days, when I write my autobiography and it gets put in the science fiction section for a laugh, I'll buy you all a round.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2013
     (11098.15)
    And, I'm afraid we're done for the summer.