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    • CommentTimeJun 30th 2013
    Hey look at me posting on Saturday night like this was a good old fashioned SNOM! Only thing is I've nothing to drink. *sadnesses* I have a headache so it's just as well. But I'm listening to John Coltrane so all is glorious hallelujah...until the song ends.
    Tell ze whip you love it! I love the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!
    Umm Keepin keepin on. Glad to be of service etc. Working out how to be productive without overwhelming myself and without dodging the rather huge mess that is my life. It took a long while to be able to face each task. But I've gotten a few things done that I had been putting off for several months like pulling files from my ancient computer to load on the new laptop and adding applications I've needed. I've gotten this done largely by mixing in pointless fun things. An hour on something useful, an hour on something stupid. Repeat. I don't get a lot done, but more than zero which has been my pattern for almost a month.

    I finally made it to the gym today after more than a month gone. It feckin hurt. I couldn't do everything. But I'm up for more.

    Livin without putting on shoes this week has been nice. I don't like wearing shoes, barefoot hippy me, though I always do when I leave the house. So days without shoes are days I don't leave the house. It's a silver lining kind of thing.

    No more Coltrane. Now some Dexter Gordon, which ain't half bad.
    Tell ze whip you hate it! I hate the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!
    This whole month, man. I've wasted months - fuck I feel like I've wasted whole years. I've... wallowed. This month was a lot of that. Barely able to get out of bed some times, staggering to a few commitments I made and then running away again. No, no, NO I do not like this. I don't like where this is going. I don't want to go easy on myself. Fuck, it's getting things so damned easy that keeps me comfortably fucking numb.

    And this past week... I don't DON'T want to come off as whining. I'm just doing a lot of stuff that isn't for me, and it's all stop and start. I have to take care my mom. She can't move her left arm post surgery so she can't dress or bathe and definitely can't do all the mom stuff like make meals or clean. So that's all me. And I am SHIT at helping out with other people while taking care of my own stuff. When I stage manage a show my own life goes to shit. I can't get to the gym, I can't clean my room, I eat like shit and barely keep up with hygiene. It's a fucking disaster. But I've figured out how to survive while stage managing. These days I start to write an email and then stop to help my mom get into the bathroom and back. I'll open a Japanese lesson and have to stop to go help mom do her exercises. I have to abort taking notes on voice acting podcast to go fix lunch... UGH.

    I hated taking care of my little brothers when I was 10. When I was 15 I worked out that it sucks to be mom, and by 18 I was sure that I had no interest in having kids. I slid around a little in that during my 20s but held onto the fact that nothing ever convinced me I wanted kids or a family to look after. And now I am dead sure. I am a fucking heartless human being and I DO NOT like picking up after other people, cleaning an entire house because other people can't be fucked to wipe a counter or sweep the floor on their own.

    I just want to kick everyone out of the house for a day so I can do my own stuff. I'll never catch up - hell, I started a few years behind and even accepting that I have to start in the place I am, I've lost my momentum completely. To say nothing of what an asshole my brother is. GAH. I'd love to have the love my mom has, but I don't. And while I'd go easy on myself for such a failing in the abstract - not wanting to create a family, whatever that's just how I am - I don't like that I am this way when it comes to reality. My fucked schizo brother is for reals a living human being and I feel more charity for people on death row than for him. That's not right.

    Onto some Rebirth Brass Band, which means time for hugs all around.
    Tell ze whip you are indifferent to it! I can take or leave the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!
    Fuck, all of you are just awesome.
    @Alan - hell yeah get your story out in the world, excitement is YAY!
    @allana - *hugs* on shitty anniversaries. But it is a good thing to have a job (that doesn't hate you and want to steal your soul).
    @Fishelle - *hugs* I see a lot of what you're saying. I would have the same sharing thoughts as oddbill but a. I'm a girl and b. ultimately came 'round to digging on Catholicism, but with a lot of asterisks. Maybe... look for the things that move you about your religion, and look for things in the outside world beyond. The outside world isn't bad but it is terribly confused and just, I don't know, stuck on itself. But keep that need to be moved, to be joyful if not ecstatic, in mind and you might find that your religion had the right idea all along - which you'll know because when you go out into the world you see God everywhere. Keep checking in with yourself and like Bill said, don't imagine you owe anything to anyone else.
    @dnewling fecking scammers
    @Vorn - hurrah for Adventure Girl and good times! That's some special business right there.
    @Bob - damn that's a lot to fret over. But can I say? It's really good to hear from you. I mean really good, been missing out on what Our Man in Iceland is up to. Just a little bummed it's bad news. I expect having to give up the writing job was inextricably linked to depression (definitely sounds like it from my own bouts which is not remotely medically useful), which is not to say it was the wrong choice. But maybe that you could do with some long deep breaths and considering that your brain is giving too much weight to certain risks or setbacks, or more than necessary anyway. Goddamn depression makes judgment calls like that really treacherous.
    @JP - glad you're up to being a good solid human. People find it easier to give you what you need that way. }:> *hug*
    @Hex - needling you about travel is such a fun game it's hard to resist...But I still expect you survived with little consequence.

    Aw yeah some Avishai Cohen.
    @Greasemonkey - awesomeness and applause on finishing a thing!! Woot! And meep and *hugs* on the darkness your building seems to possess. Rise above and maybe get away...
    @argos - right on for having a gig you enjoy. That's tough to find! Now, go forth and settle that mind that gets lost inside itself!
    @David - if I had any money I would TOTALLY be calling for meetup just to toast you on getting out of a sucky place. Finally!
    @Oldhat - woot for nature! And thanks for sharing some pics on Twitter, a few pixels of paradise did wonders over here. }:>
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJun 30th 2013 edited
    I'm going to dump this in segments, so please forgive.


    It's probably been the toughest few weeks for me since I was in detox last year. All of it, just tough. A few days back I was just broken. My feet are fucking fragged from the consequences of my using. On some days I can handle it - most in-fact - but sometimes it can be unbearable. I went into a spiral of self-pitying horror, ended up a wreck on my bed, squirming around in physical and mental torture. It was like I was still using, and I had cravings real bad. I was on the phone to people just groaning, saying I can't take anymore, and that I was going to go to a doctor and take whatever drugs they would give me. I didn't, because I'm someone who can't take pain-relief responsibly. They give me even a hint of an opiate and it's game-on for my addiction.

    Thanks to the people who helped me through a day of hell! I probably could have grinded my way through it, but support from other people got me to the end of the day without fucking-up and their "love" relieved my madness.

    I've got a new-found-respect for this "thing" I've got. Call it a disease, whatever. It's freaking hideous. I still see myself as a total monster at times, which is waging war with my soul. I'm so angry a lot of the time. The other day I stormed-out of a self-help group, telling people to go fuck themselves. I must have looked a right crazy walking round town to cool off. But I did, went back, and told them why they were seriously pissing me off. The crazy thing is, my anger is valid, but I just need to learn to manage it in a more responsible way.

    People say I'm a nice guy, a decent bloke with a code of ethics and morals. I've got to learn to see this and not just think I'm some monster who belongs in a sewer writing poetry, periodically going up for scraps of food, singing songs to women from the roofs of buildings and scuttling for cover when they look-up all tearful and say: "Who's there, don't be afraid. Show yourself, oh beautiful monster!" I know it's funny, but that's how it feels at times.

    I was with a lady-friend the other night, went for a meal because it was her birthday. Three drunk guys passed passed us in the street, saying some some stupid, idiotic bloke crap at us. Christ, you know when you can feel violence in the air? Like an electro-static charge - deadly stuff. I just had to stand there and feel it. Not act. Suck-it-up. If I'd lost it it would have been bad. For them. For me. And it wouldn't have been nice for my friend.

    So, yeah; I've been feeling like fucking and fighting recently. Maybe I should go-out and get laid, but I don't think I'm up for making a remake of Shame at the moment. Ha!


    Music, as always, is helping me no-end to get through all this. A crazy thing, too, is that the self-help group I stormed out-of: I start co-facilitating a new one later this week! Madness! The staff at the center seem to think that when I speak people seem to take notice of me and that I give off a bit of an authority. Who am I to argue, so I'm going to give that a try. I'm also going to see what I can do this week with all the training I did for my voluntary work.

    So I didn't relapse into hell this past week, and this is fucking good. I've had - and got - more hardships, but you good folks have had quite a hefty dose of mine. Anyway, the good thing about pain is when you emerge from it you have the epiphanies. They flow like melting chocolate. And they're great!


    @oldhat: Thanks for the service, for helping to keep this thing going.
    @Bob: Good to see you back here. Keep on fighting the depression. I have faith in you.
    @oddbill: That was a good post, and respect to you for sharing to help Fishelle out.
    @mister hex: I hope you've been having a good weekend, matey.
    @all: Your good people, so just keep doing what your doing.

    EDIT: I just got back from a doctors. She reckons I've got some sorta chronic fibrosis going on with my feet. Gonna try some ibuprofen gel, see if that helps some. I can live with that today :)
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2013
    This will be muddled and not on-format. Sorry in advance.

    A friend of mine died. OD'd. Not a close-close friend but one I knew and enjoyed. Hadn't seen him in a while, chatted electronically a bit. He had addiction issues, he got clear of them, he relapsed and .... died. Cops found his body and he was "not responding." His name was Patrick.
    My name is Patrick.

    I survived Quebec. A kid nearly put out my eye with a sparkler. Not a child, a kid. Ten, twelve or so. Don't tell me he didn't know what he was doing. I told him to cool it. He got all cocky. I felt the heater on the hairs of my mustache and saw the psychotic little gleam in his inbred eye. I was ready to kill him, LITERALLY MURDER HIM. Luckily, he could run. I was told his dad was in jail, arrested at a local place the week before. I don't care.

    I come home to find out my friend died. My friend Patrick.

    My nephew had a GREAT time. He relaxed, I could see it. HE NEVER RELAXES. It was like uncoiling a massive industrial spring or a roll of especially nasty concertina wire. He gets along famously with my girlfriend and her whole lovely town. I wasn't sure he wanted to leave (In fact, push came to shove and a wee bitta luck, I would've been walking back or taking the train on his dime.)

    My dad fucked up his wrist somehow. The cats didn't fight while I was gone (but they both assured me that they still fucking hate each other; they just have an armistice when I'm not around.) The house is surprisingly clean.

    And my friend Patrick is dead.

    @grease- yeah. You gotta get outta that fuckin' neighborhood, man. The real estate market can't be so desperate that you can't find a better place. I'll put out some feelers.

    @flecky - hope you're doing okay. And the understanding that one can be a horrible fucking person at times is a valuable insight that most people rarely achieve.

    @ oldhat - hope you had fun. You deserve ALL the fun.

    @ everyone - Hope y'alls well.. Don't nobody die no more.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2013
    @mister hex: I'm real sorry to hear about your friend. Seriously. And thank you, I'm doing OK. Hang in there, lad!
  1.  (11098.45)
    @Mister Hex - Man that's the worst. I'M so sorry to hear about your friend. Hope you're holding up well with it all.
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2013 edited

    - Been either crying or on the verge of crying for a while. Sometimes I know why, others not. I thought it had to do with Lady Troubles, but this depression seems to be sticking around. I'll...figure it out. I guess.

    - Wench stuff is annoying me still. Getting fucking sick of this feeling that when I progress even a little bit everything else seems to take a huge step away and I'm back to this shitty level. I'm feeling really really really really burned out. I'm staring at study materials for a Level 1 Cicerone test and am not sure that I'll pass the test and not even sure if I should bother. As I e-mailed to POS, herding Llamas in Romania is sounding pretty fucking good right now. And this constant feeling of not being "in the club" may very well annoy me enough to break out of this.

    - Weight. I'm so disgusted with myself.

    Eh...fuck it:

    - I made the spontanious decision to go camping with some friends last week. Less than 12 hours notice and I was out in Algonquin Park for three days. No phone or internet service, just a fire, a tent and a beautiful lake to swim or go fishing in. I can't express just how much I needed that. It was good to be in friendly company (My friend, her fiance, someone I haven't seen since high school and a new person). It was a lot of fun.

    - After camping I spent the long weekend with family. Relaxing.

    - I'm in SAVEUR Magazine's "Sites We Love" column. Soon I'll be in Now Magazine for a "Ladies of Beer" feature.

    - got a paid gig writing two articles a month on beer. More details later.

    - Friends.

    Let's go bowling:

    @Fishelle, you and I talked. Wishing you best of luck in whatever you do. <3
    @Flecky, Keep going strong, Flecky.
    @Raz, glad you liked the pictures. :)
    @Hex, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hang in there.
  2.  (11098.47)
    Depression is kind of getting at me, I'm spending too much money, my future is generally uncertain job-wise, my apartment is a mess with no sign of me being able to handle it, I'm appalled with the way I look, I'm getting nowhere with my art, and other general crap of the same sort. I miss having regular access/time for stuff on the internet, and I don't enjoy the resulting completely out of touch-ness of what is going on around the world that is the result of not going online for a week at a time.

    Regardless of what may happen in the future, my job is going well now. I seem to be getting on well with most people, and I even got a guy who vaguely looks like Joshua Jackson to consider watching Fringe. There's also a guy at work who looks kind of like the main character in the British show Spy. Amusing. I think there might be an interesting blog post about observations from working in box store retail. If I get around to it. Occasionally I do fun things with fun people, and that is nice. The pastor of my parents' church came over tonight to facilitate a family meeting which involved my mom, sister and I telling my dad that yes, indeed, he is an asshole who doesn't listen to us, or care about us, and will try to force us to do what he wants (again), and the pastor telling him that he needs to change. And he is going to work with my family to make that (possibly) actually happen. Will there be progress? I don't know, but the pastor has called him on stuff before and might actually improve things. I'll take it. As much as I don't agree with the pastor on all sorts of things (being a generally conservative Christian), I respect him because he actually helps (and sides with) my mom when it comes to my dad, and seems to be able to catch what my dad is doing and explain to him why that isn't ok.

    Y'all are Good Peeps:
    @oldhat: Thanks for setting up this awesome, and kudos to being a fabulous Mod. (@Alan Tyson too: The Goddamn Bartender. Hmmm, I like that.) Major major happy dances for all the good things going on with The Thirsty Wench. You deserve it! And yeah, self promoting is hard. (I'm doing a great job of not doing it at all right now. Derp.)

    @hank: Best of luck in Michigan. Yay for being near the kid.

    @Rachael: I wish I had something worthwhile to say about the medical stuff and the endless lack of money. I'm super glad that things are going well with the fellow at least.

    @flecky: Somehow you keep going, and I've got mad respect for that.

    @razrangel: One day at a time. I believe you can do it, even if it take a lot of time to get there. I hope this helps.

    @JP Carpenter: I'm glad things are going better for you and your family.

    @mister hex: I'm glad to hear about the things that are going well, sorry to hear about your friend Patrick dying.

    @fishelle: Whatever decisions you make about your life and your beliefs, I'm hoping the best for you. I kind of know how it feels to live in two different worlds at the same time, and there's nothing wrong with doing that either.

    @oddbill: I have mighty respect for your ability to get to the point of just grinding things out. It's hard to get there. Kudos.

    @Vornaskotti: Adventure Girl sounds completely amazing. I'm so happy for you and all the good things that are going on.

    @icelandbob: Damn. Hugs? You really sound depressed, and I hope you get the help you need. And that things start getting better.

    @everyone: I've read your post and have had reactions and am crossing my fingers for you, because as stated above, Y'all Are Good Peeps. I just can't respond to everything. (I wish I could.)
  3.  (11098.48)
    @oldhat, I've never seen a llama in Romania, but they have sheep and very very very cheap beer
    • CommentTimeJul 3rd 2013
    I just want to thank you all for being so kind and giving me advice. Oddbill especially, of course, but I also especially appreciate the tone of everyone else's posts telling me it's also okay to go back to it, that it's not just black and white.

    To Bob: We've missed you. I hope you can start to get things sorted soon. You and Sigga are in my thoughts.
    To Hex: I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Since my last post (good and bad, because they're hard for me to separate):

    Called the police to stop a friend from killing himself one night. Turns out he wasn't actually going to do it, he just made it sound like he was. He's still talking to me, so I guess that's good.

    Had a little alcohol at a friend's party. Not having that be one more thing I've never done is helping me to feel a little less resentment toward the religious stuff.

    Had a solid chat with some fellas I go to church with on Sunday. Feeling less decisive about all of that stuff, but I've got time to figure it out. And even if I'm not sure any of how I felt had to do with God directly, it meant a great deal to feel the love and friendship of those two men who basically visit me every month because the church asks them to.

    Been sort of burnt out on art since graduating, but I'm starting to feel the fog lift. I've got things to make art about, an that is something that always makes me grateful for hard things in life.
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2013
    Re: earlier rant.

    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2013 edited
    @Oldhat: Beer, pizza, comics. Soon.

    @Fishelle: You're welcome. If you have any questions about stuff that's outside your experience, and you want frank answers, ask 'em here.

    @Hex: well, that sucks. Sorry to hear it. Beer and pizza and comics with Oldhat and me, soon.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2013

    I NEED A NEW JOB. Seriously, it's killing me. I can do it and all and I'm even getting good at it again, like crazy good. But jeez, the management is FUCKED. A million-dollar renovation and IT RAINS IN THE STORE EVERY NIGHT AT PROMPTLY 11:30. (A freezer unit defrosts and frozen crap on the pipes falls down from an open ceiling tile onto the floor, right outside the back-room. And no one thought to address this issue? Really? My BOSS does things that, if anyone subordinate to me did, I WOULD TEAR A STRIP OFF THEM WITH THE LASH OF MY HORRIBLE VOICE and if they weren't crying before I finished speaking, then they were made of molybdenum steel.)

    Still finding equilibrium with my relationship with my dad. He gets chatty everytime I make dinner and then gets huffy when I say I can't talk right now, or gets offended when I just riff on shit like a comedian. (Which I am, natch.) He wants it to be like a debate or at least a panel discussion. To me, it's a minor annoyance and a minor appearance. We'll get there but yeah, they'll be lots of crying.

    MY HOUSE IS A FUCKING MESS. Seriously, I gotta police that shit, man.

    My friend died. We had the same name. He was one helluva character. I'll miss him.


    His funeral was in Halifax. The day before, their big fireworks display was scheduled but cancelled on accounta rain. So on the day of his funeral - FIREWORKS. Fitting. Very appropriate. He's at the Big Karaoke Jam In The Sky.

    Fun with the Ladyfriend, like, A LOT. (Oh, not like that. But like that, too.) We get along well together. I'm off to her nephew's birthday party today. It'll be fun.

    Writing going surprisingly well. Dug up a lotta archival material (Seriously. I am the worst librarian EVAR) and was surprised at how I'm not half-bad. Am repurposing things, to effect. Have figured out some themes I seem to be drawn to and the Big One is RECONTEXTUALIZATION. Something One Way Or Something Another Way. What seems normal is out-of-place and vice versa. (Probably watched the Wizard Of Oz too many times as a kid.)


    @Grease - Jawohl! Summertime! We have options, vis a vis venue! Lemme know! *salutes smartly!*
    @ oldhat - Nice. Open it up to anything. You got something to say. Wenches cannot live on beer alone.
    @Flecky - Sir. You are an inspiration. To me. To others. To everyone. Keep inspiring. Yer alright, mate.
    @ Fishelle - Alcohol won't kill you. (Yes, it will.) Well, TOO MUCH will. But a little bitta poison can be the cure. And once you get past the taste, you get to enjoy the taste.
    @ WHITECHAPEL RAMPANT - Thank you for your kind words. Meant a lot. Don't nothing bad happen to y'all, y'alls good peoples.
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2013
    One of my college roommates was killed in a car crash in Belize. She was traveling. She was 24. I don't like all this "was" business.

    And now, to go hang out with a bunch of mostly strangers at my friend's wedding.

    Breaking format because ow.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2013
    Holy shit, ((hugs)).

    Too many friends dying for you good folks.
  4.  (11098.55)
    24 is way too young. Sorry and hugs.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeJul 7th 2013
    Strong hugs.
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2013 edited

    @dorkmuffin: Oh... fuck :( Very sorry to hear that :/ What is it with this summer and stuff like this :/


    We wired a small bay in the sea for electricity, and didn't burn down anything. One of the biggest causes of stress and worry for me this year is gone - we got our research diver school experiment going, the one we need for graduating. We originally planned to set it up on last November, then last May, then June... first it was the Game of Thrones winter that messed things up, then it was... well, the experiment is rather intricate and requires a shitload of things to go right, and no plan survives contact with seawater.

    This was our hail mary to get this going. There were only four of us and we basically went to the site to fail, nobody (except one young, optimistic dude) expected things to work out. In the beginning it looked like it wouldn't. We were supposed to set down a number of underwater pumps, plastic troughs, buyous and other hardware on the seabed without disturbing it, spaced evenly, with electricity - and shit just started falling apart like in all the previous tries. We were almost set to give up, had a couple of words with our teacher who managed to give that one last nudge. We did a complete overhaul for the pumps, containers, pretty much everything, loaded all the shit on the boats and started setting it up. Everything kept going frighteningly well this time around. In the end we had a few dozens of meters of rope stretched taut over a small bay which is our experiment site, there were extension cords dangling down from the ropes and going into the sea. Everything was set under the water and above it, but I still had a small pause when I was holding the plug and about to connect the electricity. When I did, I half expected an arc lightning and a few explosions in the bay, but... everything just worked. Better than in our original plan. The next day we took 40 initial samples, and even our self made sampling equipment and the method... just worked. The rush of pure feeling of accomplishment was surprising. This was some really difficult shit, and we got it done. Now we just need to hope that a freak storm won't rip down the rope and the cords...

    For the record, this is how I look when I'm very very happy. On our way to take a second day's samples with a colleague.


    Money and lard, money and lard... The "no pal debts" thing didn't last long, ironically because of work. I'm heading out to Comic-con so I need some padding on my credit card, and some clothes in which I'm borderline presentable. Like jeans that don't have holes in them. The buddy loan is budgeted, I know where and how and when I can pay it back, and I keep reminding myself that in spite of this step backwards, the trend is still up in the big picture. Still, my head is whistling the FAILBOAT theme.

    I'm still fat. The weight hasn't changed in a month. Blargh.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2013 edited
    Meh?: Not sure what's been good lately. My mom has taken a trip out of the country to see family and handle her inheritance business. She may be out all month so sis and I have the house to ourselves. I feel like an orphan in training. I've been through it before over the years so I'm used to it. Been running once a week for 1 hour. It's been good for me and helps me forget a lot of shit for a brief while. I just need to keep sticking to my usual routine/eating habits because sister is an enabler with the pizza/fast food and junk. Also just cranking out new art as frequently as I can keeps my mind from delving into the shit pit of doom so that has been helping.

    Aw, shit: Jeez, I'm already going 4 months without a job. If we're being honest I'm pretty sure I'm being a bit of a lazy fuck about it. But it's also not fucking easy. I don't know who I have to lie through my teeth to to get a damn job around here. It's fucking LA for fuck's sake. I'm really pissed at myself for turning 28 and being in this shitty rut. I could have sworn I had my shit together for a few years there. But then the places I worked at shut down and it was all so sudden, what can ya do, right? I hope I can scrape some confidence together because I'm dreaming more and more lately about having my shit together for ME and not my family so I can one day be able to move out and live on my own some-fucking-how. I don't know!
    Also still slowly trying to get over my mental problem/bout with obsession of the last few months. Kinda wish I could obsess over someone newer and better to get this shit out of my brain. It really did a number on me and I feel so unhealthy about it. Karma came and went for the person and my mind's still not at peace. Just need a job and to get out more and I'll be fine, I'm sure.
    I've also got to scrape together some trip money for Comic-Con in a couple of weeks. Other years were not such a financial hassle but now that I'm a brokeass fuck it looks like I will be feeling the pinch for wanting to go this year :\

    You!:Bob: Glad you're checking in here, man <3
    Hex, Dorkmuffin: Sorry to hear =[
    Robin: Hang in there! My bitchass panicked a little when the scale said 150. I've been steadily 145lbs the last few months but the running has made me hungrier days after.
    Generally glad everyone is hanging in there and keeping strong and checking in. We've all got varying levels of fucking SHIT to deal with but don't have to keep it inside.
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2013
    Ah, what the hell. It's been ALMOST a week...


    - Weight still up. But see YAY for more on that.

    - Been less sad and more "feeling numb and on the verge of hitting whoever looks at me funny".


    - Going to the gym for the first time in nearly a year. I miss punching things and the owner is letting me train and figure out payment when I can (I'll be giving her beer anyways). Hopefully this will fix the two above problems. Now if I could just remember my locker combination...

    - Feeling better since I made that announcement on facebook/twitter regarding the Wench stuff. It'll still be beer-related, but different and more of the rules of Calvinball. And glad that I finally said "You know, I know longer give a shit if I'm on your press list".

    - Interview with TV person on Wednesday. The ladies beer organization I'm a part of got called up to meet with someone thinking of pitching a show. If all goes well I may be in a show.

    - Have an idea for a photo set.

    - Talked with an expert on Mesopotamian culture on the origins of beer at an exhibit at the Royal Ontario Museum. Interesting.


    @dork, talked to you off this, but I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hang in there and keep the distractions up.
    @chris, We'll both get there. Glad to hear that you're getting something out of running. And man...I know about family being enablers for crap food. My dad does that a lot.
    @trini, hope things go well with your dad. This thing with the pastor sounds promising.

    @ALL, thank you all for the wonderful support in me tending bar here. Means a lot. You're all stars.
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
    The Good:

    Kind of having a hard time with good things right now. I have friends and family and a boyfriend that love me very much. I have a comfortable place to live. I'm not hungry. I'm sober and not on the verge of self-destructing. These are all very good things. I cling to these things.

    The Bad:

    I seem to have developed some sort of weird brain fuckery. For the last few years, I've had little odd things - twitches, quirks you could say - that I couldn't really explain. I get headaches a lot. Sometimes they turn into really bad migraines. They've been getting increasingly worse over the last year. And the pain is bad, and the nausea is horrible, but it's the after effects that were really starting to worry me. Because they were getting worse and lasting longer and increasing in weirdness.

    About 3 weeks ago, I had a really bad one. The pain was unbelievable. I can't even compare it to anything else. Except for maybe if my brain exploded and my skull remained intact. I was horribly ill. I'd say it lasted a good 12 hours, pain and puke wise. After the pain subsided and I slept, I woke up and had to deal with a new set of problems. I was extremely dizzy. Like gravity was on a mission to take me down. I was kind of numb around the edges. Like I'd been taking some heavy duty painkillers. Which I haven't. I'd only taken Excedrin.

    What made me call the doctor was when I realized how much worse this was than usual. What made me just get in the car and go over was the fact that I couldn't make my mouth talk. I knew what I was trying to say, and I could type or write it down, but when I called the clinic, I stammered for a solid minute trying to ask if I could come in as a walk-in. The words just weren't coming out. Probably shouldn't have been driving, but I wasn't about to sit around waiting for hours for my roommate to get home.

    Finally get to the clinic, regained most of my ability to talk, though I found myself stammering and mangling a word here and there. Doc did some tests there, ruled out any heart problems or stroke (which crossed my mind as a possibility). Took some blood, gave me some pills for the nausea and sent me for a CT scan. Which that was all on the 3rd, and being as the 4th was a holiday (whoo 'Murica), it pretty much meant a 4 day weekend.

    Now I'm just waiting. I'm still waiting to find out when my doctor can see me because she wants me to come in to discuss the results of my tests. If everything was normal, they would have told me over the phone. So I'm in a state of limbo waiting to see what's doing this to my brain:

    There are a couple of possibilities just due to family history, but realistically, it may be a long process of elimination to find out what's going on. Thankfully, the company I work for pays for short term and long term disability for its employees, so I'm not freaking out about money. For now. It only pays at 100% for a few weeks and then it gradually tapers off from there. I'd like to be working. Or at the very least, be able to pull in some commissions so that I'm not feeling like a fucking useless lump. But what's pissing me off is that it's affecting my ability to draw, too. I managed to do a rough sketch today that was ok, but it took me longer than usual, and my head was suffering for it after. Last few days though, not so good. At all.

    What pisses me off is the irony of this happening now. I've spent the last four years since I moved to Colorado trying to better myself. After my fiance died in 2007, I went into a serious self destructive mode that lasted a couple of years. Less said about that the better, but when I finally decided to get my life back together, I was serious about it. I moved away from the bad influences, sobered up, started taking better care of myself, basically started my life over from square fucking one. It was hard. And I'm not nearly done. But hell, I quit smoking last year after 20 years of that. And now, I've got Hank, who is the most wonderful man on earth to me, and we're working on being together, even though it's going to take time.

    So after all the hard work and doing better and getting life in order....this has to fucking happen. And I don't even know what "this" is yet! Hell, for all I know I'm going to go in there and get told "Well actually, it appears you don't have a brain in there anymore, it liquified and you shat it out your ear a while ago. You're running on a pair of C batteries, and the contacts have rusted." That would be a relief, actually. Whatever it is, I'm hoping it's something at least manageable. So that I can start behaving like a normal person. So I can leave the house without being afraid of having some weird episode while I'm out somewhere, or god forbid, while I'm driving.

    So that's where I'm at. And sorry for the mile long ramble, but I'm frustrated as hell with it all. Been stuck at home for most of the last couple of weeks. Keeping a diary of all my symptoms, which aren't going away like they usually do after a day or two. Some days are better than others. But I'm getting antsy being alone at home most of the day, not knowing what's going to go weird next.

    The Hugly:

    @dorkmuffin - I am so, so sorry to hear about your friend. Losing someone you care for is the worst feeling in the world.
    @oldhat - High fives and hip bumps for the good stuff. Hugs for the shitty feelings. Please don't hit me. :)
    @chris g - Ruts are motherfuckers. But eventually you level out. Just gotta keep trudging along.
    @Vornaskotti - Friend debts are so...dirty, aren't they? Even when you know your friend knows you're good for it, you still feel like a bum. Eventually, you pay them back and it's all forgotten, so don't stress it too much.
    @Everyone else - I smother you with boobs of friendship and shit. I'm very tired now. Don't draw dicks on me while I'm sleeping.