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      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeDec 20th 2013
    Boy, we all kinda struggle with depression, don't we? I often wonder if that's because we're all awesome people who reflect on things to the point of unhealthiness or because probably everyone in the world has some degree of PTSD.

    THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA - My ladyfriend decided to have a party, on the spur of the moment. That might be fun.

    Writing's still going well and thank you for your interest in it. Less a lusty debauch than a disturbing satire. Writing the villain has been both incredibly easy and incredibly difficult. I hate him but he's so fucking charming and I find myself thinking like him and I have to stop myself and say "Whoa." All of the evil in me, all of the shadow condensed into a little voice in my head. It will be a happy and satisfying day when I kill him.


    I'm not going to say anything bad. I can't. I won't.

    @Alastair - when you coming to Toronto? We'll show ya the bottom of a glass or two and where's good to eat. We've been thrown out of some of the best places in town. Cheer up, me ould mucker.

    @trini - Nice one! A speakeasy?! My family used to have a house in Oakville, Ont, right by the water, that apparently had tunnels leading down to the water. (I never saw them, they were boarded up by the time I came along but I loved exploring that old house. The second worst day of my life was when that place was sold.)
    @razr - keep the art in your heart and then blast it out to the universe.

    @everyone else - keep on being your awesome selves.

    And now, back to depression, already in progress -
    • CommentTimeDec 20th 2013
  1.  (11211.43)
    Oops! Forgot the face. Here it is. Yes, it's been 35ºC here.

    Me, smelling bad
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2013 edited
    photos! augh!
    This took me for friggin' ever. I'm on the trusty travel eeeeeeepc (still works!) because my laptop is finally the hell in the shop. Long story still angry. Not actually sure when or where I'll get it back because of holiday garbage. Meh.
    So re-learning how to use GIMP on a linux netbook was fun. And remembering passwords for flickr et al.

    This was me in bed all day playing Magic. We were waiting out the storm, sort of, but after every single rideshare going east was cancelled we are opting for a late-night Megabus home. I'm getting in at some ungodly hour. Luckily I sleep really well on buses. So it's me and some gifts and this ugly netbook for reading pdfs over the next few days. Of course it doesn't do Google Drive, so I can't access the project I'm working on except by phone.

    Writing is good, school marks are good, heading home is good. Reading old notebooks (avoiding the death-y parts) and cleaning out the apartment has been good. I didn't get a job I wanted for next semester, so a period of unemployment in January will be good. I'm waiting on a couple grand in back pay plus student loan, so as long as everything comes through smoothly, I'm gold.
    It's also almost time to graduate, so I'm trying to do some reference-collecting, networking, etc. stuff. Looking into summer jobs, post-grad paid internships, etc. Things could go either way on that, but at least there are some things I fell confident about applying to.

    The only bad is that I'm about to embark upon finding an Ontario doctor on short notice over the holidays. I hadn't really noticed until this week, but it's been daily heartburn for almost a month. Time to get a professional to check that shit out. (Not looking forward to the inevitable dietary modifications.)

    thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone. I had a great Monday this week, enough to cancel out the Monday of last week.
    I would love to do some Whitechapel drinking in the next few days, but my Christmas schedule is very much up in the air. I think Sunday-Monday in Toronto, then off to the mom's, then back on Jan 1st? Trying to avoid New Years in a big city, at all costs.

    Vorn, your problems are interesting to read about. Congrats on the end of diving school, I hope sensible works for you.

    Trini: dating! Yay! Coworker dating, not so yay; good luck.

    Kay: I'm so glad re: meds stuff. It's always struck a chord with me, though I've never done mood-mods. "Just better" is amazing. Congratulations.

    Now, off to the bus. Wish me luck on not-dying!
  2.  (11211.45)
    @allana: "your problems are interesting to read about" Hah, my life in a nutshell, I hope ;) Yeah, I'm aware that for a change this little conundrum is indeed a luxury problem in its way, but a major decision to make about the direction and the way I live my life. Now that I look at that wall of text I wrote, looks like the bad sides are tinged with good. Silver lining and all those platitudes. This makes me happy :)
  3.  (11211.46)
    The snail crawling along the edge of a straight razor…

    Fighting a desperate rearguard action against the blues. Have never understood the pattern of it, really, except that it just feels fucking cruel. When life's going really well, and to all intents and purposes, objectively, it is, they come and cosh me in the back of the head and knock me back down. It's like I've done some long forgotten deal with the devil that every time things go well, I get a week of euphoria then a horrible crash. That's happened since my teens.

    I can rationalise, I can see what's happening, I can understand, but that doesn't stop the constant anhedonia and the dreary, grey feeling of dread from persisting and it doesn't help lift it. At the moment, I don't want to leave the house, don't want to even move. Just want to be at home around the girls, finding social contact with anyone else really hard. Having to make small talk and act normally at work is damn difficult most of the time. At least I've gone through the phase where I didn't even want to be near my family for a couple of weeks. It'll pass, I know it'll pass, it's just having to wait it out, keep trying the things that make a difference, keep taking the fucking tablets.

    Weather, more storms predicted - been getting warning emails saying that the trains are all going to be screwed tomorrow afternoon. Have to be in work, don't relish the prospect of being stranded there, or worse, stranded half way back. Everything's feeling rather battered right now - house, car (now spewing water from a new engine leak), garden (fences/gutters blowing down), self…

    The news and the world is making me desperately sad as well. I feel a sense of dread about what my daughters are going to face when they're adults. Hell, we're damn fortunate, but others aren't. I feel highly blessed (even though my brain doesn't work right) and I want that for everybody else. Makes me rage when I see right wing cretins whine on about people on benefits and how they resent paying for them, this constant, relentless rhetoric of nastiness - seriously, fuck you. Fuck you with nails on. If my taxes mean that nobody in the country needs to go cold or hungry (including me if things screw up), then I'm damn proud to be paying them. Yeah, there might be a minority gaming the system but in comparison to tax dodging or corporates screwing people over? Small beer.

    Smells like… Victory

    Think (barring a car wreck of a meeting last week which I'm hoping was an aberration) that work is going pretty well (my ability to feel anything notwithstanding). Have a week off for new year, at the moment mapped out for mental repair work. Will be seeing family at the end of the week, including my sister and an uncle who I haven't seen for years

    Youngest daughter is one of the only sources of joy for me right now, but she does always make me smile. And she's walking now, and very pleased with herself because of it.

    Charlie don't surf…

    @trini - yeah, feel the car troubles… and yay for dating
    @kay - glad to hear that you've found something that works
    @Rae - that's a lovely pic by Joanne
    @vorn - I've always opted for sensible, hats off for taking the interesting road for so long

    Everyone - seasonal greetings, in which ever way you choose to receive them…

    • CommentTimeDec 22nd 2013
    @Vorn, Trin, Hex, Ms Fox et al

    Thank you.

    its an over used phrase but it applies in its purest form here

    Hex, i'm there from the 8th to the 15th... it'd be excellent to see the bottom of a glass with you
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 22nd 2013

    I've never felt so alone since getting clean. The past few weeks have been foul, and I don't know how-the-fuck I'm going to get through the utter-shite of the next few weeks. I've been verging on the point of suicide with depression at times, and at the moment keep going into an almost reactive rage. I know it's not cool to come on here in this state of mind, but it's just the way things are with me at the present.

    Sorry about this, folks, but I'm all over the place and feel like killing someone. Imagine the shit that people who vaguely know me are getting. We've got a house meeting in the crap-sink I live in in the morning, and It's all gonna come out...

    I'm now an official hit-man and my rates are well affordable. Someone please hire me!

    Sorry to break format, like.
  4.  (11211.49)
    @Flecky - Hang in there man. Smile in the teeth of the wind. Don't let the fuckers eat your lunch.
  5.  (11211.50)
    @flecky, sorry to hear it's so tough at the moment for you, really hope there's help there for you and you're able to keep going and ride the bad patch out.
  6.  (11211.51)
    So, I've been trying to be upbeat, and it's kind of working, but.... I'm starting to panic.


    It's hours away from Christmas Eve. Which is my birthday. This always freaks me out. Here is why: LINK!

    I've got under $30 in the bank, $24 in my wallet, and $4 left on Food Stamps. My fellow is equally broke, and it's depressing. He is struggling just as I am, and it's understandable, but I really wish I could be the one who was drowning and I had someone who was helping me; sharing my Food Stamps so we can both eat is getting old. I don't have enough to survive really. He helps me more often than I help him financially, but it's like we are both letting ourselves starve to feed each other, and I can't tell if it's romantic or stupid; if we are just dragging each other down. We could both use someone who can help with some stability, and I don't know if we are good for each other in that way. He'd probably be financially ok if he weren't helping me out so often.

    I wrote to my Dad and explained that while I appreciated his Thanksgiving invite, I still hadn't gotten any resolution from getting kicked out or from being ignored when it comes to my health, and had no desire to see my Dad's friend since highschool who drunkenly tried to get in my 20-something pants. Twice. I've not heard from him since.


    I love Christmas. I really do.

    *record scratch* SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!

    During my writing of this, the mail was brought upstairs. I got a letter from Social Security telling me I'll get 1.9% more money each month this year, a $50 gift card for (delivery food service) from someone I hardly know, a card in the mail from my crazy mother with some serious CASH! Wheeeeeha! I'm gonna have a dinner on my birthday that doesn't consist of yams and popcorn!!!

    Here's me with my cousins on my (counting the candles on my cupcake) fifth? sixth? Christmas Eve.



    Flecky - Dude, the holidays can be really super shitty and crappy, and I'm sorry you are going to have to weather them in the midst of your current state. They will soon be over, though, and life can be improved! Hang in there!

    Trini - Hooray for dating and awesome houses with secret parts!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 24th 2013 edited
    @Rachael - Happy birthday. I hope you had yourself a good meal. Bless good mail!
    @kay and JP - Thanks, boys.


    Well, this is just strange: I live in quite a big shared house, what they call a dry-house; if you drink or take drugs, then your thrown out. And I've seen a lot come-and-go in my time here. Anyway, I'm the only person in it tonight. It's empty, as all the rest have gone to see family etc. I don't really have any family. There all over the world. So I'm doing the rest of this night alone, which is tough. Not impossible, but tough. Last Xmas I was in rehab, so I had loads of people around me. The Xmas before that...well, I was flat-out using.

    I feel a bit better than when I came on here the other day. I just got back from a meeting, where I had a few minor arguments before it started, but I shared why I've been so goddamn angry. Stuff has been going on around me that I'm powerless over, but that is still upsetting. Anyway, I said in the meeting that I'm not going down because some god got the horn and decided to knock-up some carpenter's virgin wife - no way. I can't watch TV at this time of year, as all the adverts and shit piss me off.


    I'm going to be doing a bit of volunteering at a homeless project tomorrow, so that will take me outta myself. If anything, it will get me out of this house, which just feels damn creepy at the moment. I'm still doing OK with life, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

    Yeah, I'm a bit of a Xmas bastard, but I wish you all the best! *pretends to blow one of those whistle things and throw glitter in the air*

    25th Amendment Edit:

    Well, there wasn't much for me to do at the day center: I did a bit of writing, had a pretty crap dinner, and then just left to wander through a deserted town. That's that. Done. *slopes off giving Xmas the finger whilst snarling, "Fuck this shit!"


    Aural Edit: Is blasting my head to mush listening to Big Black.
    • CommentTimeDec 26th 2013
    Stay strong, fleck.

    I'm mid holiday, mid allergy symptoms, and mid learning to type on my new ereadertablet. And just past the heel on the first sock I'm knitting in three years. Christmas is for knitters.
    Oh, and reading the Narnia books for the first time! As a child they seemed boring but now I'm on the hunt for Christian references.
    Tomorrow I'm gonna work on business plans for my friend and my sister. It's time for people around me to make money doing what they love. (Same goes for you, WC.)
    • CommentTimeDec 31st 2013
    Less than six hours in the year. I'm hanging in...somehow. Keep wandering close to a panic attack. Needed to raise $400 for my theatre company. Several other people have made way more than their numbers but THIS is the year the boss decided to bust people if they don't make the number. Last year very few people made the number and no one was giving hundreds.... The news of consequences came down in the last few days, but the info that this number was hard and fast is not news to me. So I can't really be mad.

    But I am super stressed out. If I handed over every penny I have I'd still be short. And the point of fund raising is to get other people to know and invest in us. I believe the work we do. And this beats the crap out of having to pay dues every month. But still. It's stressful and the people I know have been in financial trouble for more than a year. But I'm trying to save my tiny piggy bank for a ticket to Burning Man and it means saying fuck it to absolutely anything that isn't a dire emergency. It took me three months to save up $200 and handing it over would be the last hilarious sucker punch 2013 delivers.

    But so, do I want the consequences? I don't think I have a choice. I kinda wanna to a table flip and just leave. All that money so that I can be on the hook to build sets and spend the year supporting the company when my input is rarely taken... But then again, I have this history of walking away instead of trying to invest and really demanding that I get my way. Apparently people aren't wowed the second I walk in the door and that encourages me to think I'll never impress them. I'm finally mature enough to know that's bullshit, but my impulse has 30+ years of practice behind it.

    Money for theatre is just the thing that has me stressed out over the next few hours. Family has been sniping all day long pretty much because everyone has been home. When people have to work (particularly my mom) the house is quiet. So I'm hiding in my room, listening to Skinny Puppy, and not doing the things I ought to do. As ridiculous as it is, I still have to sign up for the ACA. And it strikes me as enjoyable as doing my taxes. My reasons for hating this aren't political; I fucking hate all this burruacratic mess because it's just such a pain in the ass to get together. There's a TON of people in my household, but almost none of them have anything to do with me, financially. Why do I have to dig up my sister and brother's income details when there's a definitely wall between my needs and their money? ARGH. So it's a headache I'm putting off for a few more days. I'm going to have to have it eventually but I'm in enough of a bad mood.

    Friends have not reached back to talk about getting together or something. Straight up requests for input in various areas have been ignored.

    There's nothing to drink. Fuck. There's no one to fuck either, but that's okay, really. I'm too messy and my life wouldn't really tolerate another person with needs. I'm just saying escapes are not really showing up. Nothing that keeps me from sinking into myself and wallowing... Halfway tempted to make "kiss someone who will _really_ kiss me back some time this year" as one of my resolutions. But it's a self-hating thing. Something set up to give me hell on NYE 2014.

    Um. Skinny Puppy. For Christmas I had asked everyone to donate to the theatre, they didn't. Instead I got practical gifts because they didn't know what else to get me. One friend just went to my Amazon list and got me a couple CDs. So those were the next closest things to what I wanted. I've had Puscifer, How to Destroy Angels and Siouxsie and the Banshees on repeat for the last several days. Today, thanks to the Internet, I'm listening to Skinny Puppy. Thank you, Internet.

    Niece likes to give me random hugs and kisses. She's a delight.

    Wrote a thing, sent it out. It won't see much more light of day than this. I consider it a writing exercise. But people wrote back complimenting me. Nice. Wrote a year wrap-up post, because what else are blogs for, and strangers keep "liking" it. Only one click from outside of Wordpress, and otherwise complete silence. But this is not the bitching part of the post. So I did write something and it made me happy to think on my year because it wasn't all suck and there were parts where I could see much more clearly where I was going than in previous years like I was head down in muddy water.

    Whitechapel has been a major key for that. Y'all letting me start and run the monthly resolution check in (& running it for me when I got distracted). I've seen so very many years poo-pooing resolutions that I nearly didn't dare. And, LIKE IT ALWAYS FUCKING DOES, I start to like an idea that I used to hate/look down on, only to find people hating and looking down on it. But. No bitching. Okay, back to the part where WC had been terrific for keeping me upright and inspiring the crap out of me when I just want to say fuck it to every thing and just check out for the rest of whatever the shit this life thing is. You guys do cool things and if you sometimes faceplant, other 'Chapellers pick you up and we all keep driving forward. Pretty sure that's the point of civilization.

    Oh well. It's been pleasant. Stress is a thing of the mind. But nothing material has hit me. I'm so lucky like that. No one close to me died. Health is weird but not discernibly bad. We have more than enough to eat, we're comfortable at home.... I'm just bitching about little things. What a problem to have.

    @Fleck, you've been an inspiration. You don't even know.
    @allana I loved the Narnia books. The references are... kinda subtle or kinda of twisty. What I always liked was that they were supposed to be felt, not read. *shrug* but that's not to everyone's taste.
    @Rachael - have a great holiday!
    @JP it'll pass, just to get replaced by something else. Hold fast, man. You can do it, you've done it before.
    @Hex, you're rad. Am I allowed to have a crush on you from this distance and I'm not even sure if I've seen your face but who the hell cares because you're not single and I'm not totally serious but I am a little bit?
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2014

    Well, it's New Year's Day. A Wednesday. I dislike it when New Year's is on a Wednesday. I posted off an angry letter to some chaps responsible for the calendar but haven't heard back yet. Oh, well. I imagine they'll respond, someday.

    This'll be the bad section and I'm not about bad. I'm not going to write down my problems because they're my problems and they're pretty much the same as everyone else's (no money, depression, family issues) so yes, just imagine your problems and fiddle with the specifics and VIOLA! I'm dealing with my problems and all of you are helping me with that and for that, I thank you. (I'm helping you, too, or trying to, at least. Because, hey. We're all friends here, here on the Coolest Place on the Internet.)


    In 2013, I met a woman and a wonderful woman she is. I had all but given up hope that anyone would ever look past my obvious and glaring flaws and see that I had anything of value to offer to the world. (I, uh, kinda look like a hobo, most of the time. Also, I don't know if you've met me? But I'm what's usually described as "loud, abrasive, eccentric and offensive", not necessarily in that order.) But I met a woman and she likes me. She appreciates me. She thinks I'm incredibly talented and weird and fascinating and smart and attractive and A GREAT LOVER (she keeps emphasizing this and I'm kinda puzzled, because I always thought the point of having sex with another person was to give them pleasure and an orgasm or both and so I guess I'm a great lover.) and so, I feel better about myself and almost everything. So that's good.

    Once I get less lazy, the writing will flow like Niagara Goddamned Falls. I can see the end. And a possible sequel. I'm networking with people who are very interested in what I'm doing, people I haven't seen in years and people I've never met, who also think I'm awesome and smart and funny and sensitive. (They know nothing of my Great Lover status but I'm fairly certain more than one of them is itching to take me for a test-ride around the block or at least check out my suspension.)

    2014 will be the Year I Start Taking Pictures. And performing again. And clearing out my archives of all my amazing shit and showing it off to people. (I have a trophy room that would make Jimmy Olsen, William S. Burroughs and Pope Francis the Cool blush redder than an envious school-girl.) So there.

    @flecky - Happy New Year. Drink deep from the river of strength within yourself.
    @fox - All the best to you this year. Hope all is copacetic, you deserve it.
    @Kay - Cheers! You're alright, mate, you know that?
    @Jon - Best wishes to you and your beautiful family. Your blessings are many. And you're a crafty bugger.
    @razr - Feliz Navidad and all that. You're allowed to have a crush on me. Considering the distance between us, it's not like you're stroking my leg and whispering suggestively that we should away to the cloak room. Keep on being awesome. It's better that they DON'T notice how awesome you are when you walk in the room. Quiet awesome is always more awesome and Chekhov's Gun is there for a reason, right?
    @allana - Happy Festivus, you. I've always wanted to kiss you like that sailor and the nurse, in the old photograph. But only in Times Square. Next time, next time.
    @Robin - MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU. I don't have any photos of me but there must be one of them here in the 'Chapel. So since you're a mod and all (and quite the rocker, too), any chance y'all could slap one in for me? I'm all thumbs when it comes to techno shit. :/ Please?

    @ EVERYONE ELSE - HAPPY NEW YEAR. Whitechapel Prevails.
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2014

      CommentAuthorPaul Sizer
    • CommentTimeJan 2nd 2014

    Had to have our dog Zoe put down today. Cancer was too aggressive, and she was at the beginning of a lot of pain.

    I've had to have two old cats put to sleep, and it was hard, but for some reason, Zoe was harder. Of course she did a ton of happy dog stuff on her last day to betray our decision, but it was the right thing to do. It wasn't going to get better, only worse, and dogs live for the moment. She was facing a lot of painful moments in the short term, so we spoiled the hell out of her for two days.

    It was actually a good release for Jane and me. The cascade of emotions, while really hard at the onset, was a dam wall bursting, and it actually felt good to not try to hold back for once and let it rule for a while. I don't get a chance to do that very often. I felt a great escape of emotion just shooting out of my body like a fire hydrant. We'll be fine, and we had 7 years of making her life way better than when we rescued her from the no-kill shelter. Come spring, we'll scatter her ashes in the park across the street and NOT scoop up afterwards. Thanks Zoe, our good enough dog.

    Thanks for listening, Whitechapel. I'll be around.
  7.  (11211.58)
    Sorry to hear, Paul, that's a hard start to the year. Condolences.
  8.  (11211.59)
    Wow, we've been a quiet bunch this year haven't we?

    The Yup
    I posted the first episode in the Things around the net thread, but my web series "Last in Space" is online, and response has been great so far. First episode hit 1000 views in a week. 2nd episode hit 2000 views in less time. Despite having to re-upload ep3 (which means it's view count is down) the series seems to be finding an audience. Which is amazing, because as I've said it's a small, silly thing that while I am quite proud of, I had very modest expectations for it.

    The Nope
    Work is mostly good, though I recently found out that despite being told everyone very happy with my work, a couple of producers then went to my boss and told her I was hitting about 80% of what they wanted with the videos I was editing and they prefer working with the editors they have worked with for the last 6 years or so. My boss, who is awesome, read them them riot act, as no one has ever told me any of this.
    My job is to edit what the producers want, and if they tell me what I did is good and its done, I move on to the next project. The kicker is, when I work on my first episode of a series, and they tell me what I did was good, I emulate that from then on. If they weren't happy with it, and don't tell me, I am not going to change and its not going to get better
    Fucking frustrating, because I take criticism well. I don't take anything at work personally, I'm not emotionally invested in these projects, like I am with my own series. You don't like it, tell me and I will fix. Still not good? okay, hows this and on and on till the project is right. I firmly believe the video is always more important then anyone's ego. It's just that I don't have the history with them the other editors do. I don't "just know what they want" and they aren't telling me.

    So now I'm getting treated like the inexperienced, new kid when I actually have more experience then the other editors (who are great guys). That coupled with the fact that I look 10 years younger then I am, means I feel like I have keep proving myself again and again.
    All that said, I still like what I do. Just wish people would talk to me directly, a 2 minute conversation 4-5 months ago would have avoided months of apparently good but not great work.

    The Hugs
    @Paul - so sorry for your loss. Thought I was losing a cat before x-mas so I have at least a small idea of what you are going through.
    @Hex - Got your invite, but sadly too late to make it. Sorry I missed you guys. Another time soon, I hope.
    Everyone - Hope 2014 is kicking ass so far.

    And just because people have specifically asked for a link, here is an episode of my series (First and last time I do this in this thread)
    Last In Space Ep4

    Also, Still haven't figured out how to properly post a photo of myself here. I don't have photos of myself anywhere online but my facebook profile.
  9.  (11211.60)
    @razrangel: OOoooOOOOh. We might go to see Skinny Puppy on Valentines Day!

    @Peter Kelly: It's frustrating that the people in charge never do seem to understand how much they inform how the end result manifests.

    @flecky: Dude, if I were in the UK, I'd have hung out with you on Christmas!

    @Sizer: I'm sorry, man.

    Ok. Here's my hooplah. Sorry, I do so ramble.

    It's all kind of a mix of bad and good.


    The headaches, which it turns out are migraines, keep coming and keep coming more often and worse. It's every day, it only differs in severity and duration. The nausea that accompanies them is also getting worse and worse and my diet is becoming more and more streamlined (and I'm becoming quite the pothead). My right side still keeps going progressively numb, and the doctors don't really have a reason for it.

    The genetic counselor thinks I've got Fibromyalgia and SOME kind of genetic connective tissue disorder, almost definitely Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. What she isn't saying directly is that if I DO have Ehlers Danlos, it's the Vascular type, and that's the type that makes your internal organs go explody and usually die suddenly by age 40. I am to contact her if there is any change, and keep watching myself and take it easy. The care with which this old woman worryingly accompanies me to the front of her practice is amazingly kind, but the implications are grimly terrifying. She's given me EDS people to contact for help.

    My rheumatologist has found some "Complement Levels" as being low, and suggested that I might have some genetic defect in my Complement stuff, which makes for a kind of almost Lupus without being Lupus. So, it's back on the antibiotics to see if it helps anything.

    Almost exactly ten years ago, I was working a terrible soul sucking job just for the insurance. I was eating out of garbage cans and stealing just to survive, even though I was full time. They demoted me to part time, and my insurance was going to be cancelled; that is, unless I paid to monthly fees out of my pocket, which I could not afford. Desperate, I called my father and told him my situation. His response was (verbatim): "You expect ME to pay for YOUR insurance?" I'd had an appointment with a pain doctor, who was going to do a procedure on my neck to lessen the compression of my collapsing neck. I showed up for the surgery, and was turned away because my insurance had ended the day before.

    The pain doctor I was seeing a few months ago was terribly dismissive, so I sought out that previous fellow I saw those many years ago. He's GREAT. I've got Vicodin again, as well as sleeping pills, which are AAAAMAAAAAZING!!!! I've not known real sleep in so many years. He also decided to give me that surgical injection thing he was going to those many years ago. So, last week I had an surgical epidural spinal injection thing into my neck, as well as a bunch of trigger point injections all over my back. I'm still in the "worse before it gets better" phase, but I can be upright for a few hours before the headache descends, as opposed to a few days ago, when I was just stuck flat, or, more likely, upright and delirious from pain. Because I do not know how to fucking relax.

    And then there's the domestic stuff.

    The fellow is having some financial problems and will probably have to sublet his place and go to LA for a while. There's work out there for him, and he knows people there. He's not happy about it, and he's sad about leaving me, but... he's got to do it. I am, as always, being supportive and giving him everything he needs emotionally and logically.

    I'm feeling odd about it. It's been a problem, his financial stability. He'd help my poor broke ass out, and then.... be broke, and I'd have to feed us both on my food stamps. On an annual basis, he makes twice as much as me. But I feed him often, and treat him to things. I can't not help him. But it's draining me. And... Well, there's other stuff, too. We are both space cadets. Both a bit loopy, both a bit scattered. He dotes on me and will do ANYTHING for me, yes, but I end up being the one in charge, the one who cleans up after him, the one who has to make sure he did it right, and.... fuck.... that is NOT who I want to be. I really really really need someone who I can depend on, and being both broke AND loopy is a problem. One or the other is doable. Not both. I'm a submissive. I don't want to be this much in control. But then, to say that, it makes me feel like a horrible person.

    He's so wonderful. And he's my best friend. But I'm not sure if we are right as life partners. I guess I'll see how I feel about things when I'm suddenly without him. I don't really have anyone else. I don't want to want him just because I don't have anyone else, y'know? ugh.

    Meanwhile, my roommate, with whom I've been living with for just two years, has resigned the lease and excluded me entirely. I'm quite offended. I've scoured this place, cleaned EVERYTHING, transformed it, and got rid of the fucking cockroaches that infested this place for YEARS before my arrival. I feel a deserve to be part of the apartment officially, but he's squirrelly about it and avoidant and pretends it's in my best interest somehow. It's terribly disrespectful. It makes me feel unwelcome and unstable. And just..... disrespected.

    Also, I've decided to have lunch with my mom. This might be a terrible idea. I'm bringing the fellow with me. I think my main incentive for seeing my mother again is so that he can see her and witness her crazy for himself, instead of just interpreting my stories.


    I have had a bit of money come to me through Christmas, and I've been responsible with it by putting it towards the medical bills. I've been attacking the pile of paperwork I'm afraid of, and researching things online. It seems that I can set up a non profit organization for myself to fund raise and then put that money in a trust for someone else to control. As long as the funds are not used for food or housing, I'm allowed to do use the trust for just about anything else to improve my quality of life.

    I ended up at a comic book signing last week (while still doped up from the surgery anethsthetic no less, before the pain hit), and when I went up to Bob Fingerman and Dean Haspiel, they both recognized me; Dean from the WEF days, and Bob from my doing a Star Wars podcast. That was pretty rad.

    I really did have a lovely Christmastime, and got such lovely gifts and wishes from my internet people that I've been feeling kind of happy from that for a while.

    I've been cleaning out my belongings and trying to pay it forward, gathering up what I can bear to get rid of and piling it up to give to the homeless.