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    • CommentTimeJan 20th 2014
    Jamming so hard I can't believe I haven't gone further. But then I'm also thrashing and that wastes a lot of energy.

    A lot of this is the same it's ever been but hopefully the details are interesting enough.

    Really fighting for more days than not. Frustratingly, it looks exactly the same as when I was sleeping through whole weeks only with reading even less fan fiction or watching as much anime. But I am grabbing at most days and sending out emails and getting in touch and organizing my calendar and even (!) auditioning.

    The major thing I'm doing more is hitting the gym. Not very *much* mind, but more than zero from the past few months; and also kicking my own ass for eating better, or at least with more awareness and accountability.

    There have been a couple of people who have listened to my commercial voice over demo and written in to let me know that they really liked it. Always a major pick me up. Of course I need to send it along to people with actual work who won't just praise me but bring me in to audition...but I feel like I'm getting closer to that. On Thursday I headed out to dinner & drinks with a local VO meetup group. I went with a lot of questions ready to go and got several people to talk to me with tons of info - and some of it was even useful! (Drunk actors give off all kinds information, some of it relevant, loads that aren't.) But fresh new pointers and leads to follow up will be SUPER helpful.

    A lady who used to coach me finally may bring me in to her weekly workout group. It's pricey; I'm still iffy. But it can force some weekly discipline on me if nothing else. But first there's the audition. I think I should get in and refuse to think about failing, but at least being saved the money would be nice.

    My god I want some ice cream. The second "lose weight" enter my lexicon my brain immediately turns to how terrific cookies and brownies and triple mochaccino lattes and French toast with maples syrup and bacon and hamburgers and steak fries and Irish coffees are and... oh good lord. It's hard enough to control myself when I don't shop for myself and I have wretched self-control. I guess it's a nice problem to have when there are people going hungry, rather than having too much. But at least when I was too poor to lavish fancy desserts whenever I wanted, I could buy myself salads...*sigh*

    Home life is still insane. And the bitch about it is it impacts VO because I pretty much can't audition from home. I have to drive 30 miles to my friend's house - and it's usually hard to get my shit together enough to do that. The time for travel, to say nothing of the cost (a quarter of a tank of gas), has to get factored in and I don't know if i'm not just better off taking up residence on the couch again for a couple nights/week. Down side to that (besides not living in my own freaking home) is I have to take my food and/or buy, and I have to go to a different gym. ARGH. I feel like I can't fucking win.

    ONE WAY or THE OTHER: Saw a doctor for some health stuff. Up three different tests coming up, only one of which I can get the state to pay for. I'm young for some perimenopause, but that may be the best option out of all of them. Just... could the hits quit it? please?

    @Hex - aw yeah! Take the pictures! and do the performing! Show off your damned self!
    @Paul - having to put down your own animal seems just indescribable. I sure can't talk to it because I've never had a pet. But I've watched friends do it and it's agony. A few days ago a friend had to put down his cat as the poor thing could barely stand and couldn't eat. He was a darling bastard and I'll miss him. Sayonara, Zoe.
    @Peter - I'mma watch the hell outa Last in Space.
    @Rachael - once more yikes on the health and sympathy on the money thing. Maybe put together an effort to learn how to relax? Does not solve problems, but it can keep problems from growing and might prevent new ones. Breathing is good for you. }:>
    • CommentTimeJan 20th 2014
    @rachael if you have art/crafting supplies & want to donate to Materials for the Arts, it's kind of my favourite place to donate that sort of stuff to - when artists/companies take out the materials, they write you lovely notes explaining what projects the materials they took for you went to. I've been receiving letters from all the old Sketchy's stuff I donated that's going on to help schools and small plays and it seriously brightens my day.
  1.  (11211.63)
    @glukkake - Hah! I'm far more likely to be one of the recipients of that kind of charity than a donor.
  2.  (11211.64)
    Yeah gods I just want to give everyone a hug and bake some cookies or something, nah brownies they are better. *INTARWEB HUGS!!!* It seems to be a crappy start to the new year to most people but also the start of new things. Keep on hanging in there you wonderful weirdos- life is strange and horrid sometimes but then there are things like comicbooks, other weird fuckers and boots. It's the small things in life that keep me happy. No one is worth keeping around in life or spending your time on if they don't make you happy. Many condolences and really big hugs to those who have lost loved ones, keep the happy memories of them close to your heart. <3

    @Vornaskotti FANTASTIC horray on the not having to cram anything else all at once into your brain! ;) I find your dive suits just nifty as all hell - you should share lots more photos! (i like photos heh) I hope they throw many awesome job opportunities at you.
    @Rachæl Tyrell well that's just damn nifty all around, the doggie is adorable- you got paid to watch adorable hehe woots on the podcast and the photo reblog!!!! you are entertaining and should be shared ;) Sincerely hope that all the ouch and such gets sorted out for you, total WTF about the insurance!
    @Paul *hugs* hugging a puppy is awesome advice <3
    @JP Carpenter you and i can get out big boots on and try and kick some sense into the world, it will likely not work but awesome stress relief. The news also makes me want to throw things...
    @flecky *hugs dude* I used to hang out at coffee houses and write stories about the people around me constantly- imagine what must be going through their heads. It helped me get outside of myself for awhile, if only for a few hours to not have to live in my own head. Or their is going on a rampage and throwing pudding at people. Or water balloons when it was cold. I never said I was constructive all the time....

    Both good and bad have been existing very much simultaneously. I quit working at day job of doom since it was eating my soul, which horray for free time but boo for having less money. it took me awhile to recover from the surgery and i still get a weird tearing sensation in my abdomen which is supposedly normal :p Moved out of the old place that ran out of water have a new place that is an fantastic Victorian for pretty damn cheap. Haven't started school yet, since I stopped working it has been no stop either me or the boy getting sick. He had pneumonia twice... I had three flu things and bronchitis and currently some sinuis infection that is making my face swell up I literally just got over a bad flu. WTF immune system. The kittens are fine and way too lovey dovey. I've been doing the Domme thing full time-ish, also getting some uncomfortable requests from would be customers who don't seem to understand what -No bodily fluids- means. The boy is still being fantastic despite the fact his work is being really awful to him- i had to yell at his co-worker for calling him when he had pneumonia! They also leave things broken (network wise) till he comes back to fix it. I'm very angry about it on his behalf. Just trying to relax and enjoy things when I haven't been on bed rest heh.

    I'm going to be visiting California Salinas and Los Angeles then off to Vegas. (febuary 5-17th) I've been informed that I will be missing the Edwardian ball, I'm close to it so I'll have to see! want to gooooo! hehe. Edit- just looked they are sold out DAMN!
  3.  (11211.65)
    oh yeah: mah head
  4.  (11211.66)
    They are :D
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeJan 26th 2014
    Gonna see Warren speak tomorrow night omfg.
  5.  (11211.68)
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2014
    1. According to my headshrinker, I am in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode. I tend to agree.

    2. I had a fantastic tarot class at my sensei's house on Saturday, and I ate blood pudding for the first time in years yesterday.

    3. @Chris G--how was it?
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2014
    I made him laugh :D
    • CommentTimeJan 28th 2014
    • CommentTimeFeb 16th 2014 edited
    Dang, really? NOTHING this month for anyone? Well, alright then...


    - Had a bit of a breakdown from events that happened this week. Basically some frustration with a doctor (an hour to get there, an hour and a half wait despite being on time for my appointment, just getting told to make another appointment, an hour back), and some work issues.
    - Valentine's Day was horrible except for the last bit, which I'll mention in the good things.
    - Loved One not doing well.
    - Friend of mine in the beer industry recently quit her job at a brewery for several reasons, one of them being that it was a real boy's club that she felt left out of. Pretty annoyed that more and more my answer to "how is it being a woman in the industry?" is changing these days.
    - Publications I've contacted for columnist jobs have either refused my services or ignored my e-mails completely. Fuck 'em.
    - Ate way too much this week due to not having much choice in going out.

    - The past two posts on the site have been winners, the one on certifications in particular rose my view count to levels I never thought I would reach.
    - A brewery was so impressed by my creepy review, that they're sending me some beer
    - Got a fun idea for a post that would mean a fun two week trip. If I can pull it off, I'd be happy.
    - Valentine's Day sucked EXCEPT at the end when my best friend took me out for dinner and beer. Then we went back to my place and watched anime until I started falling asleep and she left (she lives near me). Was good to have a friend. :)
    - I have amazing, wonderful, ultra-supportive friends.
    - Attack on Titan and Princess Jellyfish are on Netflix now and I'm thinking tonight will be an awesome night for a marathon.
    - Went to a CD launch for the album I did artwork on. Although they didn't go for the photos I wanted to use (well, except one), I'm happy and proud of it. Especially since I came up with the concept of the album (based around one of the song titles). Feels nice to be able to see my opinions in that album (as it were).
    - Mom gave me a nice box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. We're also going to get mani/pedis when she gets back from her trip.
    - People are noticing that I've lost weight and the very light exercises I'm doing with my arms are giving it tone! I'm feeling more fit! I also find it weird how 10lbs makes a difference. It went from people calling me "ma'am" and "lady" to "sweetheart" and "baby".
    - I bottled my cider. One more week and I can try it. Hnnnnng.
    - Told a beer writer friend about the book I was thinking of doing and his appreciation of the idea got me back on track with writing it. Just wrote two pages on a beer festival survival guide.
    - Brewed an English Brown Ale. Should probably check on it, actually...
    - I'm fucking MAKING MONEY. With luck I'll have enough for first/last of an apartment and, freelance stuff willing, have enough to maintain rent/bills without dipping in to my savings.


    @Faux, Christ, blood pudding is amazing.
    @ChrisG, how the hell did you make him laugh?


    • CommentTimeFeb 17th 2014
    Yeah, I'll bite.

    In Toronto for five more hours. Got here Saturday night, caught up with my three most important girlz with lots of girlz-tyme. Spent a few hours on Sunday with my friend the tree-climber making tree-climbing videos; spent last night eating way too expensively. Spent today shopping. Got new jeans in a size smaller, and promptly threw out the bigger older jeans I was wearing all weekend. Have discovered excellent new thrift-store-chain in Toronto, Kind Exchange, and hit two of the three locations (other thrift stores are closed for Arbitrary Statutory Holiday).

    Going to see an old friend who's visiting Montreal later this week; gonna apply for a new slew of conferences and awards. Gonna wear all my new clothing. Gonna work on my website (just redirected the whole thing to my "work" tumblr for now).
    Bought a vnyl copy of Engravings. Sometimes buying niche music feels more like charity than consumerism, which is nice.

    Well ... going back to Montreal is ... let's not talk about that. Also we had a huge Valentine's Day Fight, as did apparently every other couple I know. So we have to talk all those issues out this week sometime. Also I have something due on Thursday that I haven't started yet.
    Haven't heard back about any job applications lately. There haven't been that many, but I feel like at least a few of them would be resolving by now.

    Money is a problem. Canada Revenue is auditing me because I didn't have a T4 for one of my jobs last year (the one that went out of business). So I have to deal with that, which probably means they want me to also pay back the $400 they "accidentally gave me" in an Ontario tax credit after I moved to Quebec. No, I didn't notice that they kept direct-depositing something. But they knew full well I was moving -- they gave me student loans, after all .... Oh right, no branch of government is smart enough to talk to any other branch of government yet.

    Cafe face:
  6.  (11211.74)
    I fucked up. Everything. Again. With the same girl. The ONLY girl. Badly enough that she blocked me on facebook. A facebook account that I only created in order to have some tenuous connection to her. So that I'd know she's okay, and that she's happy. And that maybe we could be friends and hang out every once in a while. But then she updated her relationship status, and my heart broke, as it does. And I posted to my own timeline, and without tagging her, that I was freaking out and I was in pain. Because I can't handle the thought of never being with her again. And then a couple weeks go by, and I invited her to a thing. And she told me 'no,' that she needs to focus on her relationship, and that I don't seem to be in agreement with that (which is weird sentence structure that I still can't really figure out). Essentially that she can't have me in her life while I'm in love with her and she's with someone else (even though I'd never try anything. Some small stupid insane part of me thinks that she can't let herself see me when she's with someone else knowing that I'm in love with her because maybe she can't trust herself when she's around me.) Cue full heart spleen meltdown on facebook on my part. Again not tagging her in my posts. Even though part of me wanted to, because I want everybody she knows to know that I'm in love with her (we only had one mutual friend on facebook, and they wouldn't have known who I was talking about). And I've spent most of today breaking down crying off and on, completely unable to function. And I logged into facebook, and see that she's blocked me. Full un-friend block, which apparently erases all of our past interactions. So now I'm completely unmoored. Because the thought of her is the only thing that's kept me going for the past couple of years. That even though I didn't get to be with her, I could still see her from time to time. And that at least she still thought of me as a friend. Which was better than nothing. But now I think she actually does hate me. For loving her. And now I am the worst that I have ever felt. I want to quit my job, and put the rest of my stuff in storage, and drive up to the mountains and let myself die of exposure. Or walk out into the ocean and not come back. Or just have myself committed, because clearly I can't function properly any more. Because I can't figure out what the point of anything is without her. It's all just going through the motions, and a life of going through the motions isn't a life.

    I don't have any Good. Or applause. All I can feel is pain right now. All I can ever feel is pain.
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2014 edited
    @David, that's the Shit. Horrible, execrable shit. I know exactly what you're going through. It took me many years - many - before I felt like I could breathe fully again and get real sleep and not worry about dreaming about them. I had to go through all kinds of shit and my life ended up somewhere I desperately didn't want it.

    You're not going to snap out of it; you won't feel like smiling or enjoying things for a long fucking time. Other shit will feel hugely oppressive to the point of being crippling. There doesn't seem like there is any option for hope.

    But. You're free now. I don't mean like free to date around (that was always there, but who cares, that's not what I mean). I mean like, free to not define yourself by that other person. Free to do shit you like doing without apology or explanation. Free to not keep doing things that you never really cared for. Free to ditch opinions that came from her. Free to not look over and wonder what she's up to, and free to just...fucking live.

    But you won't recognize that for a while. That's okay. Some shit has to get cleared away before you get your heart and your mind back. But you'll get them back.

    Now that I can think clearer this state reminds me of this:

    Chemical Burn
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2014
    @David - You have all my sympathies, truly. I dealt with a similar event this fall.

    But I'm going to be the one to say that it is very very good that she blocked you, because you need to disengage from this. I ended up blocking the one I'd gotten my Feels for because it kept me safe. And we still no longer talk, which sometimes eats me up and I hope will not be the case in the future. But, when they've moved on you need to move on too.

    And vague-booking about them to your mutual friends is many levels of unhealthy for you both.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeFeb 19th 2014
    @Robin - I mentioned the time he contacted me when I had Facefuck and how it terrified me. He let out a hearty one XD. Really felt some closure finally meeting him after all these years. It was like shooting the shit with an old friend and he is built like a fucking lumberjack oh my fucking god there was a moment during the mingling where i thought he recognize me and came straight at me like a steamroller but nah. Also I met CamyLuna and Oddbill that night ^___^
    • CommentTimeFeb 19th 2014 edited

    Shit man, full sympathies for how you are feeling now. I'll have to echo glukkake and razrangel - it feels soul curdlingly horrible, but it is an end, even a closure of sorts. Something definite. Things stop dragging on and something else will be born of this. It won't happen in a day or two, you won't just wake up having snapped out of it and hear the flowers chirp and the birds buzz or whateverthefuck. What happens is that some day you'll wake up to the realization that for a while you've forgotten to feel horrible about this. Cheers for that day. But again, full sympathies.
  7.  (11211.79)

    Wot Vorn said, but add this: there will be days when you realise all of a sudden that you've forgotten to feel horrible AND THEN YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY DRAG YOURSELF BACK. Don't feel hopeless about this, just turn it back around again. It might take hours, but do it, and keep in practice. Anything that you practice gets easier and faster. After some practice time you will find that the turnaround between remembering to feel like shit and clawing yourself back to the daylight with your fingernails has grown shorter.

    Then one day it'll take minutes.

    Then one day you'll realise it's been years since you last thought of it.

    I have a thing I carry around that was, at the time, a spear of ice in my gut. For a long time it was just with me all day, catching in doorways, getting painfully bumped by people on the bus, making it impossible to sit down. Then there were days when it wasn't there until I thought of it, and then it was suddenly, awfully there, just like the first time. Then there were times when it arrived after a few days absence, and started out as a spear, but I could get it to shrink to an arrow after a few hours.

    Then there came times where it'd only be there for a few hours every few months, and started out as an arrow.

    Now it's a wandering needle of ice in my veins and sometimes it pricks me for a moment. Maybe I'll never lose it altogether. This sort of hurt can be harder to get rid of than tattoos. But it's not a fucking six foot pilum of frozen nitrogen the way it was when I got it.

    Time is your friend. Time and practice.
  8.  (11211.80)

    I am sure you remember my situation a few years ago. We've been buddies in heartbreak for some time.

    I was so devastated that it's been considered a possibility that my emotional state was what triggered an autoimmune response and brain swelling, not Lyme Disease. Every time the fellow in question would post on flickr or facebook I had a whiplash of emotions, followed by hours of overthinking every nuance of what it could mean. I attended an out-of-town friend's bachelorette party and found my face and neck muscles were in pain for days because I'd been so unaccustomed to smiling and laughing for months. I didn't remember what it was like to not break into tears randomly every day.

    Allana gave me this advice back then, and I'll give it to you now: You need to get out more and have IRL people. It is soooo unhealthy to have only one human you think about in life. I never really noticed just how much my life had isolated me over the years in so many ways, and that really did contribute to my emotional anquish a whole lot when I got heartbroken. Getting the fuck out of my current situation was the only thing that got me out of that head place. I started taking classes at college (and y'know what, there was a lot of my brain that was saying "yeah, he'll see, he'll find out that I've been going to school and being successful at something and he'll be impressed"). It was HUGE for me. It gave me SOMETHING to focus on. It gave me a place to go where I had to interact with a bunch of other people. It gave me environments where I had to pretend to be not in heart-anquish. And y'know, faking it really helps a person get some traction until it sticks for real.

    And then, praise Glu, I got the fuck out of my Aunt's house and back into the city. A fresh environment did a lot to help me as well. Did it make it all go away? fuck no. I still kept trying to find ways that we could be important to each other, if not romantic. I even got us to hang out once. And after a few valiant and too-desperate attempts, he told me that we just couldn't have any contact anymore.

    He was right. I had to build my own life that had nothing to do with him emotionally. He's still important to me, but I'm not yearning for him anymore. We might actually be friends someday again. But for that to happen I HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY AND ACTUALLY OVER HIM. That's romantically over him, that's way-too-intense-a-friendship over him, that's let's-be-totally-honest-with-each-other-always over him, that's let's-rehash-everything-that-went-wrong-between-us, that's maybe-he'll-see-his-folly-and-beg-for-me-back over him. We do email briefly every few months or so about small matters now, and the idea of being friends again was brought up by him - to which I had to be honest and explain that I didn't think that was possible, not while he was still with the girl who he'd been with behind my back. I had to look out for my own emotional well being. Even though I'm with a fabulous man and I'm not interested in the previous fellow at all, I know that the resentment and pain would seethe out of me in that situation still, and I don't know where that would lead me. Maybe with more time, it won't.


    So that I'd know she's okay, and that she's happy. And that maybe we could be friends and hang out every once in a while.

    You need to be honest with yourself here. If you didn't want her to know how you felt about her having a boyfriend, you wouldn't have posted it on facebook. You know that she's happy, and she's okay. But she's being happy and okay by having a boyfriend that isn't you. And you have to accept that. Truly accept it.

    (I used the same thing to justify myself being in contact with that fellow. But he's actually now DATING the other woman he was with, and .... that's her job now.)

    If her happiness is really what is most important to you, then let THAT be your impetus to get over her.