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  1.  (11284.1)

    I'm officially moved out of my old place and in with the fellow. I did it just in time by using a shopping cart I found on the side of the road and getting the fellow to carry milkcrates down the stairs. I took my belongings in small loads across an 8 block stretch between our homes over a month. I've pretty much piled everything tightly so it's almost like a real home. There's no cigarette smoking here, there's sunlight, and there's a BACK YARD that Iv'e been slowly carving into shape. Having a place to be outdoors without having to pay for it is going to change my life dramatically and help my agoraphobia immensely.

    I'll be going to the Seattle Erotic Art Festival at the end of the month, thanks to my friend and performance artist Coralee Lynn Rose, who has hired me to be her personal photographer. When not being in various states of nudity for art, she is a professional dog walker, and is about to star in a reality show on Animal Planet. They will want my footage from the festival for their show. I also have two pieces in the show. I've never been to Seattle, nor have I ever had my work in such a huge show!


    I'm not sure this move was a good idea. I've been frustrated and upset for the past month, and it just continues. He's been mostly broke for about a year, ridiculously broke since November, and I've been buying both of us food for a lot of that time. While I understand that shit is tough for everyone these days, he just doesn't have his shit together. I figured living together would lighten the burden on us both. However, this month I had to pay for $100 of his portion of the rent and pay his $50 phone bill. There wasn't any prior warning that that was going to happen until the bills were due. Maybe I'm being selfish. But I already have spent so much of my adulthood too sick and too broke to do things, and having further financial drain on what little I might be able to put aside is breaking me. I know it was my choice to shell out money for both of us all this time, but I really figured it'd come back around by now, y'know?

    There was an event with Kevin Conroy, Kevin Smith, Chip Kidd, and others for Batman's 75th birthday. That's AMAZING. That's something I'd have traveled hours to attend. But hey, I didn't get to go because I couldn't afford it because I've been helping the fellow. I've been selling off my things, and the money goes to things for the apartment or food, and he contributed mostly nothing. I planned to buy business cards, print out my pieces, buy a website template, get my boots fixed, and buy a new bra all this month for Seattle. I planned for this FINANCIALLY. Now I'm counting every dollar. What was an event I was planning ahead for and looking forward to has become a source of anxiety and fear. I'm burning through my foodstamps feeding both of us, so I don't even know how we'll eat. He finally got himself a part time job on the weekends (through my old roommate) instead of the constant panic of just freelance life, and I'm hoping that will help, but that doesn't help me this month, and it's not the whole problem.

    I'm angry that his inability to plan for the future like an adult is fucking up the few things that I had been planning for. His financial optimism is draining me ("this month, I'm finally going to be on top of things" is something i've heard for months now), and it's killing my personal and professional life. He is sweet and adoring, but .... I don't want to have to ask about something five times in a day, still not have it done by the end of the day, and still get attitude from him when I remind him about things.

    I'm on the verge of tears daily, drained and tired of how I've been put in a position to be some kind of nag. I'm afraid I've made a horrible decision. It's not about money really, it's about being able to depend on someone. This really isn't what I thought living together was going to be like. Maybe I'm just not meant for coupledom. I don't know. I'm probably just venting. I'm not used to being in a relationship. Fuck it. Ignore me. He's good to me.


    JP: Egad, man. Your sorta-father in law sounded like he lived a strange and lonely life. It's hard to deal with children who adore someone who is less than your ideal. I hope the ladies in your life can learn to deal with the loss. I'm sure it's quite difficult to be the male half of a romantic partnership when going through such dramatic paternal loss. Hang in there!

    Hex: You should volunteer at something. I volunteer at WFMU, and it's quite apparent that most of the people who volunteer at something mid-week are people without jobs. It can be a level playing field that way!

    Fauxhammer: Hooray for words!! You should be very proud of yourself.

    razrangel: Yeah, I never got kids who didn't want to do well at school either. I guess some kids have different skill sets that they find important and worth investing in?
  2.  (11284.2)

    Just found out my Aunt Mary died. My dad emailed me and let me know. I referred to her as my second mother when I was little. She was probably the most maternal figure I had. A wierdo spinster, very similar to that Susan Boyle lady. I was living with her before I came back to the city, because that's where my family dumped me. Things didn't go well. She stopped speaking to me entirely, and wouldn't even look at me when I spoke most of the time. Didn't believe I was sick, even though I was seriously ill. I knew she had Guillain-Barré syndrome, as my dad emailed to let me know, but I was under the impression she was recovering. I made her a card and mailed it out two weeks ago with some fuzzy socks. I hope she got it. I don't know how I'm going to afford to go to the funeral. I was just trying to figure out how I could afford the $40 to buy a website template, and the $25 for some business cards. Jesus. My family doesn't like me much. At the last funeral, for my Great Aunt Sophie, I basically just stood alone and had nobody to talk to, and that's while I was living with Aunt Mary. I have no idea how I feel. I'm getting horrible pains at my sternum. I guess that's emotion, right?

    Ren Fest

    Aunt Mary and Me

    Diner Delicious.

    EDITED TO ADD: sorry for all this rambling, guys. I'm a bit on edge and emotionally confused and unstable lately.
  3.  (11284.3)
    @Flecky - You are not alone. None of us in this world do not experience anxiety and/or paranoia of some kind, whether we choose to admit it or cover it with substances or behavioral ticks. I of course don't know, and your physical health sounds incredibly frightening and real... but the mind is a powerful thing. I believe fully in its power over just about all things, including the body. These things may be connected? Either way,I feel for you. And knowing someone who has gone through an eerily similar event in the past few months makes this feel all the more intimate.

    The Dark:

    Aside from the event mentioned above, a good friend of mine lost his mother this week in (again) very familiar circumstances. My Mom passed almost 4 years ago (wow... time is flying), and although what claimed her life was a much rarer disease, my friend's Mom died of a blood disease that did essentially the same things to her body. Just in time for Mother's Day too. I know he's having a tough time and he doesn't live in the same region of the country anymore so it's hard knowing there's little I can do to help him. All my other gripes seem to pale in comparison to death. There's other things I could mention but fuck it I'm breathing.

    Look, It Rises!:

    I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack. I've been a member here since 2007 and have not posted for a long time. A long time. I know some of you probably don't remember me and that's more than cool. There's also some who probably don't know me. Sonny was my old name and I have since closed my blog, The Sonny Wilkins Chronicle, as it was time to move on. A lot has changed in my life and I'm not going to bore you guys will all that shit. All there is to say is I'm looking to get back into message boarding and have missed this place. Oh, and I'm going by MILD MAYNYRD on here now because... well, it's my most obvious alias. Great to be here... again.
    • CommentAuthorDarkest
    • CommentTimeMay 10th 2014
    I am returned, Lazar like. Not sure why I stopped Coming here. Glad I'm back, Had a hell of a time while I was away. It's a bit late for me right now so I only skimmed a lot of the previous posts nd obviously I missed a lot of vital information. Bear with Me while I get my bearings.

    1: The Boo. The Get-It-Off-Your-Chest. The "I've-Had-A-Shit-Week-And-I-Need-To-Vent". Your chance to scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and trepan your pressurized consciousness. Deposit your spleen here.

    Quite the list of grievances varying in severity (relative to me etc.) here's a list:

    Torn muscle fiber in my feet result of wearing bad shoes for too long a stretch. Mostly easy to ignore but I can't exercise as much as I'd like.

    Computer is slowly dying a death. Fortunately Not much on here to back up so long as I play my card right.

    Going through some emotional/ developmental weirdness can't quite put my finger on it but it feels like some parts of me are catching up to the rest.

    Seem to have lost my creative spark and can't for the life of me figure out the best way to get it back.

    I'm still living with my parents which is less than ideal but I have friends who have been told to leave their place by the end of this month so I'm glad that I still have a safe roof over my head.

    2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

    Have been watching what I eat and despite a couple of blips have been doing better. trying to enjoy it rather than just shove it inside me. A food diary definitely helps a lot.

    I passed my driving test. Discovered my knowledge of England's roads is woeful. Planning to rectify that as soon as possible once I can figure places I want to go. I've always been bad at that but I booked a trip for my brother's birthday to Stratford upon Avon so there's a start.

    Got reacquainted and made some new friends through my brother which alleviates the feeling of loneliness I've been feeling but I blame that on having to have my mobile repaired.

    3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

    Can't really choose one of you for this but I'm glad to be back and you are all awesome people.
  4.  (11284.5)
    Rachæl - I have a weird feeling I've asked this before but I can't find where - what template do you need? I do still design these things from time to time, and it pains me to see someone struggling to find $40 to buy something I might be able to produce for nothing.

    The dark recesses of my mind suggest I have asked you this before and there was a reason it needed to be that exact one, but it's deep in the grey archive somewhere.
  5.  (11284.6)
    Oh, that's so sweet!!! You awesome human being, you!

    Actually, I decided to just take the plunge and buy a template, because I really do need a working website by the end of the month. I started wrangling it into shape over the weekend. Yesterday, a friend hired me to organize and clean his office and gave me $100 for it, so between that and eBaying some more of my stuff, I think I'll be able to afford the necessities for this month now! Hooray!
  6.  (11284.7)
    No worries. Glad you got it under way!
    • CommentTimeMay 18th 2014
    A lot of the same old same old, really. I should try harder to change up a few things.

    Hm. Saw a very neat play on Thursday. And I was very jealous of their budget even though they insist their budget is small and their designers are awesome... but every theatre says that. They have WAY better digs than we do (indoor lobby! visitor bathrooms not shared with the cast! multiple stalls in the bathrooms! a private parking area offstreet!), and they had literally over 130 costumes, a couple dozen of which had to be built for the show, a killer set... *siiiigh* Oh well, my scrappy theatre sometimes rises to the occasion.

    Friends are still really neat. S has been housing me on the couch away from home. And she's neat and rad and I'm lucky she's my friend.

    Anyway. Good art. Working at improving my own shit. Fighting myself to be more disciplined. But there has also been chocolate and even if I don't restrain myself it's been for the sake of chocolate so that's forgivable, right? Also making friends with a couple of my actors, or just getting to know them better & be known.

    But gah that discipline. I haven't been to the gym in a while, I'm burning through money as fast as I possibly can even while I know it HAS to last me for several more months I'm barely going to make it to June as it is. FUCK why do I burn so fast?? I'm not going nuts buying shit. But have to get gas and have to feed myself while I do this fucking show that pays dick and the truck needs repair and there are bills and so on and I fucking bleed money whether I have a lot of it or a little.

    Everything is not getting done and it's just all shit and I want to yell at myself for it. I'm frustrated with the show because half of the people involved don't seem to give a shit and it's dragging down the people who do. Also because some of the people I work with are inconsistent and neurotic, but not in a way that harmonizes with my neuroses and so that shit gets really tiresome. I just want to move on and create and not spend so much fucking money all the damned time. It's not even supposed to be for food and gas, it's supposed to be for VO classes, but now I can't do much VO because I'm burning my money on living while I do fucking theatre that's not even thrilling me. And what did I go and do? I signed on to stage manage another big complicated event over the summer that's going to have me working approximately 60 hours per week for 3 weeks straight. Again for shit money. Fuck.

    I was supposed to meet my voice over coach on Thursday but I completely fucked up trying to get to where she was and so she ended up getting sushi by herself and then heading out because a lady can only be kept waiting for so long. So now I just get to wait until she's ready to try again with me. I spend that time sitting around feeling totally fucked. Because I can't move forward with voice over unless someone is willing to fucking sit down and talk to me about what to do next and one coach is just all out ignoring me and the most helpful one *I* just screwed over and just... FUck.

    I sort of get June off. Just meaning that I'm not stage managing. But there are still classes up here that I'm supposed to attend, assuming I can afford them. And there will be theatre things my company expects me to do. And there is no way there isn't going to be shit I'll have to do before the 21 day marathon begins but naturally no one is telling me what I can expect for that project.

    And oh by the way my asshole shizo brother is back from his latest drug trial. He'd been away for almost three months and it was SSOOOO peaceful in the house. fuck me. Just...

    Dammit. I was trying not to be so negative but I suddenly realized I couldn't think of anything positive. All the good things just feels like day dreams I tell myself in between cursing out everything I have to do on a regular basis.

    Side to Side
    @Darkest - yeah my home address is now the same as my parents. I'm old and I live with my parents. And sister & bro in law and niece. And baby brother, and asshole schizo brother... YEah. Family is fucking gravitational. But some friends don't have that and are barely keeping a roof over my head so I at least don't have to worry about living indoors. So... uh cool?
    @Rachael - very nice pics. heh.
  7.  (11284.9)

    I'm a mess from the funeral and family crap. I posted a filtered long rambly note thing on my facebook. Some of you can see it. So much heavy shit. So much. Heavy shit.

    I don't know that I can have a relationship with my mother.

    I can't seem to stop the crying.


    My boyfriend took a two hour train trip in the pouring rain on a moment's notice to come meet my family after the funeral.

    I'm going to try and turn this around and have better relations with my relations. I have ideas.

    Also, I got the prints I'll be bringing to SEAF, and they look awesome.


    raz: don't be so hard on yourself. People get lost and don't always meet up. Are you sure you need the coach? You can't just try to propell yourself forward without guidance?
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 19th 2014 edited
    *sigh* Some idiot has diseased this computer I got to share right-the-fuck-up, so I can't do long posts at the moment.


    I've got a bad-ish cold at the moment, and all the misery that comes with it. At least all those crunching pains I was having in my chest a while back have stopped.

    I'm coming off antidepressants - Mirtazapine - which is pretty goddamn awful: my sleep pattern is ruptured, I keep getting emotional. Fuck - the other night, it was like I was on some vile LSD. Not nice stuff.

    The threat of having to move on from supported accommodation in a overpopulated world fills me with supersonic dread at times.

    I reckon I'm one of those people who has taken so many drugs in their life that, now I'm clean, I'm incapable of feeling joy. I find this terrifying, but also hilarious. My insanity helps me cope with the mundane shit of reality.



    It's not all bad: I've nearly finished my Step 3 for the 12 Step Programme. All that writing is paying off. I guess I'll never be one of the clones who sits in meetings spouting the beauty of it all, but I do feel kinda pleased with what I've done with it all. I get it.

    I've just done an hour and a half in the gym, pissing sweat. I feel proud of that.

    My training to work with law breaking bastards at The Probation Trust is going OK. My involvement with helping at the local treatment service is not so good, but that's alright. It's not really down to me, so living with that is fine-ish.


    @Rachael: I put in some words of empathy earlier, but they got trashed into the ether. Anyway, you got to the funeral, so that's good. I can relate about family - I've not really got any. Some in England, Canada, and Australia, but staying in touch with them is "polite" and painful. I've got some horrible resentments around them all, which need to be put to rest. For my peace of mind. I hope your feeling a bit better.

    @Mild and Darkest: Welcome back!
    • CommentTimeMay 21st 2014
    I *almost* got doored yesterday. Coming up to a red light, managed to swerve around the door and crash into an idling pickup truck instead. No injury, no destruction. A very apologetic and freaked-out car driver.

    Still unemployed. Working a few hours tonight with a friend, which will not be particularly taxing. Got a phone call from Elections Ontario yesterday, asking me to help out again this year. The parallels between this and the last time I was unemployed in Toronto are starting to get eerie. I haven't been getting much done except working on my bike and hitting baseballs around the park.

    Going to try to buckle down on job applications and publishable writing for the rest of the month. And also try not to die on my bike.

    fleck, y'all got to make some art up in that bitch. sublimate some of that terror.
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2014
    After far too long, I went and had a psych evaluation done. Haven't felt "right" in a long time. I'm doing a 10-day outpatient program where I sit in group therapy. All. Day. Long. So far I've been diagnosed with depression (duh), severe anxiety disorder, and PTSD. Which explains a lot. I'm about halfway through it, and while mostly I'm going home at the end of the day feeling better, there have been a couple of less than stellar ones. I'm hoping it does the trick.

    Not so ok:
    In the midst of all this bellybutton-gazing, I've been hiding from basically everyone. My girlfriend texted me today and told me off, but still says she's my friend and cares. So that's nice? I guess? Better than being told I'm a supreme shitlord and having my number blocked. Of course, I haven't talked to her in nearly two weeks. I can see how that would be troubling. I swear, I'm not trying to be a dick, I just don't want to infect other people's lives with my bullshit. I swear, days of talking about very sensitive stuff that I don't talk about that should have me fetal and crying in the corner, and I'm still poker faced. A few text messages calling me on my bullshit and I'm in tears. I hate my brain.

    Ok, peeps:
    @flecky - I'm on Mirtazipine too. And Klonopin. I dread if/when I come off that stuff. I should probably set back bail money now.
    @allana - Don't die on a bike. That's a messy way to go.
    @Rachael - I saw some of the family stuff on FB, and I didn't know how to respond to it, honestly, except I related to a lot of it, and I'd hug the stuffing out of you if it were possible.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2014
    @Dextra: Reducing the dosage from 45mg to 15 on the Mirtazipine was easy, but stopping the 15 stone-cold was pretty awful. I went back on one tablet, which was also awful. So I've now taken to splitting a tablet in half to 7.5mg each night, and I'm going to stop that - probably - this week. And if my head is wrecked a bit: so be it. Acceptance is the key, and all that bad stuff passes. I'm glad your therapy is helping.

    Jesus! Who made me a doctor? Get back in your kennel, boy!
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeMay 26th 2014
    Well now, I haven't been around in a I'm Pooka...some of you might remember me.... I'm an artist/collectibles dealer/event organizer. I hail from centralish KY and tend to have my fun in Lexington, a town that is starting to get some life back...

    The Bad: I'm a bit of a bipolar mess who gets bored with every day routine very easily. I'm on Mirtazipine as well, which has sorta evened me out. I have psoriatic arthritis which is fucking my days up pretty badly, but I've started immune suppressing drugs that seem to be helping a little. the pain is still pretty awful. they can't really fix that, the damage is done, but I feel a little better over all. I came back to White Chapel because I was really really excited to see Warren writing for Moon it looks like that's coming to an end...and I am sad so I figured I'd hop over here and see the what's and why's of it. Umm..more bad...haven't had a girlfriend in years and I'm starting to get creepy about it...

    The Good: I'm hosting a drink and draw in Lexington on june7th. Woot. we've got music and artists and an open mic for folks to do their thing. I've been making all sorts of neat contacts in the local creative circles. I've been doing a bit of art myself, have myself a couple of good friends to pal around with and a family to help keep me sane.

    THe Applause: Glad to see your fighting the good fight still Flecky...