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    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2014 edited
     (11284.21)
    THE DISEASED FACEBOOK PROFILE OF DR. PUEBLO DELMERTO:

    I was meant to go and do some voluntary work at the local treatment place today, but I can't be arsed. The reason is I got to do this later:





    Yeah, I got to be Secretary at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting . And that shit drains me. So If anyone new comes, then they're getting my coffee in their face. And if I end up a mutant duck-man, then so be it.

    Seriously, though; on most days I'm fucking drained by the afternoon, and I have to lie down to go into some weird, surreal - foul-at-times - slumber. Getting old definitely aint for pussies, that's a certain.

    IT'S ALL A JOKE. LOOK INTO THE VOID:

    It hit me yesterday: As much as my body is fragged, and I seem to suffer tortures beyond the ken of mortal man, I really wouldn't want to be any other bastard on this planet. Is this what they call serenity?! I dunno!

    HOWAY MAN PET - IT'S A CANNY WORLD:

    @Rachael: All we can hope, and maybe pray - if your that way inclined - is that addiction will run it's foul course with your buddies, and that they will hopefully survive it. That's been my experience.

    EDIT:

    I've got this dull, knot-of-a-pain in my chest. My head's telling me I'm having a stroke - stupid head. It's probably just anxiety. Or fucking stress.

    I'm angry with the place I volunteer with, as I did the training last year and, so far, it's been bloody frustrating. They've given me nothing to do. I reckon it's time to try other things. I'm still waiting to start my training with The Probation Trust. I really didn't clean-up my act to live this life, I wanted something better. So I just hang in there, hoping that if I put in some effort things will get better.

    My humble plan to save myself from dying inside is to buy a tent, sleeping bag etc., and sod-off on my own to Wales, or somewhere like that. Just start with doing a weekend first. This town I live in is pretty shite. It's full of chavs, and it has little culture. I know that when your unhappy inside you find fault with your environment, but give me a fucking break. I hate chavs!

    We will prevail, because we're tough as diamonds.
  1.  (11284.22)
    @Trini - thanks; No, she doesn't at the moment. We've always calculated that it would be much harder for us if she worked, as we haven't got good childcare options - paying for childcare would eliminate most earnings she could bring in and we don't have any family who could help out reliably (mine too far away, hers… close but have their own challenges). I'm out 70 hours a week, and if she did weekends/nights we wouldn't see each other, again I've always felt that would add too much strain to our relationship. We're looking at things she might do from home, I'd love to see her do something creative to bring a bit of money in, she was a pretty talented sculptor when younger.

    I don't want to give the impression we're drowning in poverty or anything - we aren't at all and I'm conscious that there are people here who are in far worse financial situations so I don't want to moan about mine too much. My income is pretty good (although has to support six people) , we live in a nice place (if more than a bit dilapidated in a few places) - it's more a feeling of being horribly daunted by some of the numbers involved in getting on a fully even keel. And a sense that if we're like this, on what I earn, how the fuck does anyone else manage, or hope to achieve a lifestyle like the last generation enjoyed?

    @Rae - addiction. Understand that feeling of helplessness watching people you're close to self destruct. It's horrible. I've got a certain amount of survivor guilt, I was a serious drunk, most of my close friends from my teens and twenties ended up alcoholics or addicts; I thought I could be too until my depression diagnosis and I realised it was more about self medication, managed to pull out of it and get to a point where I hardly drink at all now, or at least in a controlled way, but they didn't. Several people I was acquainted with (not that closely) died from heroin, which I never touched. In some cases I probably chose to be blind/in denial around what was going on, looking back I sometimes feel like an accomplice, particularly with one friend who I finally walked out on in despair when he'd seriously poisoned himself after a binge in which he'd become incredibly abusive toward me (I didn't know until months later that he'd nearly died - I'd bought the drink and accepted the lie that he'd got his drinking under control). That was his wake up call thank god, he can't drink again or he'll die, simple as that. I've had to largely cut myself off from someone else in similar circumstances - I never judge or criticise and will always listen if called but… I've jeopardized my relationship before by being dragged in to supporting people on a self destruct path. As I said, horrible, but you need to look after yourself as well.

    @Allana - a doughnut is a start, I suppose. You're talking to a guy who once won £10 on the lottery and lost it on the way out of the shop… Counselling, I thought, was meant to help you make sense of your emotions, and if you're unable to articulate them, help you find a way to. If there's a brick wall on both sides it ain't going to work, but they have some responsibility to try and help you unpick what's going on.

    @Roadscum - I understand the isolation bit to a degree; have family yes, and they're awesome, but don't see much of friends - once so far this year. And health - those hours don't do people much good long term. Worth discussing potential depression with GP maybe before blowing money on private healthcare - sometimes it manifests in odd physical things.

    @Britt - 'why twitter?' - I don't use it that much, but the social things are in a way, a nice reminder that people are there, they're alive and you have a way to reach them. Even the mundane things. It's not the same as a meatspace connection, no, but it's kind of comforting in a way to have a means of reaching people who aren't with you.

    @Vorn - that streetlight thing? Yeah. I have that, with computers. Totally.

    @Robin - shit, I hope you haven't caught my gremlins… The stuff about writers being arsey is just petty bollocks from threatened hacks, albeit understandable in a way as this kind of thing potentially undermines their own gigs. If you've found a way of getting paid for what you're doing, that's brilliant, I guess they're reacting in the same way as photographers did to microstock and digital means of selling that opened the market up.

    AWESOME
    Kid's first word="DADA". She came and gave me a proper kiss yesterday too. Going to miss her like crazy when I go back to work next week.
  2.  (11284.23)
    @flecky:
    Is this what they call serenity?!


    Something pretty damn close.
  3.  (11284.24)
    @JP C4rp3nter:

    Yeppers, I had this stretch of electronic stuff going totally haywire when I touched them to the point of it becoming a bit of a joke. I think the high point was me coming to work angry, jabbing the monitor power button and the monitor emitting an arc and letting out the magic smoke. On the streetlight level, one of the most eerie ones was when I went for a walk, again feeling miffed. A streetlight light next to me in the beginning burned out. I kept walking, glanced at a church which was lit with several floodlights and one of them went off, IIRC another light just turned off and when I was almost back to home, yet another. I turned to look it like "are you fucking kidding me" and it blinked back on.

    Of course this was just a series of coincidences, but damn amusing and fun :D Since then the probabilities have evened out.
  4.  (11284.25)
    Not to jinx it, but at the moment, my PC is, today, finally working. I had to physically remove the soundcard from the machine (again) and reinstall the drivers (in the process of which my backup hard drive fell on my head and I knocked a toolbox full of small things and screws all over the floor). I then had to repair the media drive, but I'm sending it all good vibes in the hope nothing else goes bang... the router suffers intermittent refusals to turn on, which is irritating, but other than that, we're flying...
    • CommentAuthordebord
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2014
     (11284.26)
    Are you still in the West County Flecky?
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2014
     (11284.27)
    @debord: Yep, I'm still living thereabouts.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2014
     (11284.28)
    @allana, already had that discussion and the problem is that with limited staff we all have to fill a few roles. It's annoying, but aside from quitting, I can't really get out of it right now.

    @JP, Dear god, the gremlins hit last week. Thankfully they've all seemed to have gone somewhere else.

    @Trini, Thank you so much. :)

    GOOD:
    - The rainstorm of shit seems to have cleared up for the most part. It reached a kind of peak on Friday where I just flipped out to the max and was really freaking out. So I went to bed and slept for a solid 14 hours and thankfully, my large cup of shit to tolerate emptied out and by Sunday I was back to my old self. Still some depression going on, but it's the tolerable kind that I can work through.

    - Still waiting to hear back about my computer, but when I brought it in the guy suspected it was the graphics card. If that's the case I'll get that replaced and splurge a bit on some RAM. Once I get it back, I'll be picking up an external drive, doing a backup (new rule: one backup a week), and updating my OS so I can run things on it. I'm thankful as hell that I have a rainy day savings account.

    - Weight is getting better. I'm almost at my "comfort level" and my arms are no longer ripping shirt sleeves with their fattiness, so that's always good.

    BAD:

    - my Mobile Unit (A small asus netbook) is pretty slow and terrible.

    - A photo job kind of fell through on Friday in favour of someone who was willing to do it for free. It sucked finding out about it when I showed up to the gig, but I'm glad that I've reached a point that, instead of haggling or compromising, I can just say "See ya" and walk away.

    - I'm using the kitchen as my temporary mobile office and I am 90% sure my cat took a shit in the vents, but am 0% sure how he managed to do it (the vent is on the wall, two feet up with nothing to stand on around it).

    Hey now:

    @britt, Twitter to me is a glorified chatroom. It's where all my friends, both personal and work, go to. It's nice to keep in touch that way and talk about small or big things that interest us. As for tumblr, I personally see it as a newsfeed for inspiration, a stream of funny shit for when depression hits, and...er...a lot of butts.
    •  
      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2014
     (11284.29)
    Hugz thread is dead, so happy thoughts go here:

    Got paid! Edited a masters thesis last semester in a crazy process that racked up 70 hours total. Finally the cheque came in for the fifty unpaid hours, with the news that at some point in the last three months I got a raise. Like, a 25% raise. On fifty outstanding hours. Yusssss.
    So that's my credit card taken care of.
    Also I managed to get two applications for my apartment, so that's almost taken care of.
    Also I won a coffee. That free car is so close I can taste it.

    Hrm, bad:
    On tenterhooks about last week's job interview. I have another one on Monday but I'd like to hear back before then. Ugh I want it so bad.


    Robin, you have photo jobs fall through AFTER you've already shown up? Man, fuck those guys. They should pay you for wasting your time.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2014 edited
     (11284.30)
    I can't do the three part thingy at the moment -

    All the stress around housing and the council saying they won't help me with it, being unhappy with the quality of my life, trying to do some decent work etc, culminated in a full blown meltdown. I thought I was having a stroke or a heart-attack, and I had to have an ambulance called. Paramedics came to where I was, and did I full barrage of tests. Luckily, they said it's not my heart. Yeah, there were tears. Fucking fear - bloody horrible thing. I'm a wreck tonight. Fuck this day.

    *sigh*

    EDIT:

    @At me: Breathe, Son - You're not dead yet. It'll be OK.

    I had another "attack" tonight, but I'm better now. I rang The Citizens Advice Bureau earlier to try and make an appointment for help with my housing problems; they told me to come in to make one. I waited to make one, but the office was full of people, and then they told me to come back later. I now feel like Josef K in Kafka's The Castle. It's a strange world, indeed!
  5.  (11284.31)
    Ah, I'm typing here again. This is how it always happens, I start out just wanting to say something to support someone and then whaddya know, it turns into an actual post.

    HA:

    I'm finally totally off the SSRIs that were causing manic episodes, mixed episodes and rapid cycling. Sanity! It's pretty fucking cool, actually. I get so much done now. I get on much better with everyone. My lycanthropy is cured. I am no longer unexploded ordnance in my own home. My kids are starting to relax. My projects are all moving forward steadily and in between I get other things done as well, like finally producing work in my other other music project, where I make dark ambient music exclusively using field recordings of non-musical things.

    So yeah, if you have a creepy film you need scored, drop me a line I guess.

    Also I totally unexpectedly got to see The Scientists last night! One of my all-time favourite Australian bands, and it was sheer fluke. The family had gone up to the farm we often visit for the weekend and I was flea-bombing the house so needed to be out for a couple of hours. Went to have a beer with a friend at a local pub and said to her, "Hey, wasn't that Dave Faulkner from the Hoodoo Gurus that just walked through? Actually it looks weirdly like the pub is full of 1980s rock musicians..." and she says "Yeah, the Scientists are playing two doors down this evening." "WAT" says I. I had no idea. Sheer luck. God they were fucking fun.

    OH:

    My back is fucked. Prolapsed disc. Walking hurts. I'm 42, walking with a cane, and on the verge of being morbidly obese with no way to exercise it off. I literally have no fucking idea what to do. Even swimming causes my back to lock up. I keep thinking about dieting but I'm concerned that my primary responsibility right now is to stay as emotionally stable and non-grumpy as possible, all the time, to give my wife and the kids space to get used to the house not being tornado alley.

    YO:

    @Flecky - hang in there man. Those sorts of attacks are fucked but they pass. Just know that you did it, you lived despite them all. The periods of serenity will get longer and the blood-flecked shit-tide will roll away.

    All sympathy on the housing shit. Social housing on a Tory planet is the absolute pits, and taking on bureaucracies like that when you're living inside one takes balls like fucking church bells. For me, I'm scared shitless of bureaucracies - given a choice between negotiating a path through a Skinner-box Kafka nightmare like that or handling centipedes, I'd, uh, probably swim to fucking New Zealand actually.

    @Oldhat - I'm with Allana on this. Bill the fuckers on a 30-day invoice, then flip it to a recovery agency when they don't pay, because fuck the fucking fuck out of that shit. My, but I'm feeling sweary today.

    But here, really it's mostly skittles and beer. This is what happy sounds like, if you're me
    •  
      CommentAuthorbrittanica
    • CommentTimeMar 30th 2014
     (11284.32)
    BOO:
    -Found out Friday that my (maternal) grandfather has lung cancer. Don't know much more than that at this point, even after a biopsy, so this week we'll find out what happens next. I'm trying real hard not to even process it. I don't do death well. The one small comfort I had when my (paternal) grandmother died a few years ago (which still tears me up if I think about her sometimes) is that it was very sudden and I didn't have to watch her disappear.
    -I despise work. The old bullshit of "you are a cake decorator but you are not going to be scheduled as a cake decorator; have fun putting cookies in boxes for 8 hours, sucker" is back, but this time I have a computer to blame. They changed our scheduling process to one controlled by computer program that responds to "our needs". Meaning they allot us so much time to make things and help customers and clean and what not, and I guess the computer decided we need more people packaging baked goods. I'm, yet again, the only decorator majorly affected by this. I wish I could afford to quit. I sacrificed that for the fella to take a part-time job to go to school, do his internship, and hopefully get music shit off the ground. School's done, internship's done, and the music business is totally fucking stupid. I'm not bitter. I promise. I want him to do what he loves. And it's my fault for not being sure what the fuck I want to do w/ the rest of my life. I'm working on that.
    -Money? I don't even want to think about money. (And that's why we usually don't have any) (See also: diet, cleaning, other major responsibilities)

    HOORAY:
    -I'm going to see Green Jello tonight. And it's a free show. Seeing them last year maaaay have been Concert of the Year 2013; I can't remember what else we went to off the of my head, but it's definitely up there. Really needing this.
    -I've pretty much gotten my breakdown under control. I still think I should probably talk to someone, all counselor-type, but I'm able to go on tumblr w/out fretting over the pointlessness of it all.
    -Um... I'm off the next two days? That's good.

    UM SOMETHING HAVING TO DO W/ OTHER PEOPLE CUT ME SOME SLACK MY BRAIN'S FRIED
    @Kay- Oh, I like the Scientists. Thanks for sharing.
    @oldhat- Think maybe something not-your-cat stunk up the vents? I think it's a monster.
    @flecky- W/ everything you've been through, that you've not gone completely off the reservation is something worth being proud of. I'm certainly proud of you.
    @everyone who had words for my little fucking moment- Thank you. Perspective helps. And maybe I should adopt an alpaca, Vorn. My living room is pretty big. :D

    PICTURE

    Visual representation of my brain, currently.
  6.  (11284.33)
    De Boo:

    Last Wednesday me and my first really serious girlfriend broke up. Part of it was me being a co dependent asshole, I always think that I can't find fulfillment unless i'm in a relationship, and I have to seek constant approval. This one stings like there's no tomorrow bc we had made all sorts of plans. We were eternally devoted to one another. I listened to her when she was down. I drove once a month to see her in rural GA, where she was going to school. I drove for seven hours over Christmas to her parents place near the SC border, bc I wanted to see her at the happiest time. I did the things she asked me to do to change. But I guess she fall out of love, and hated being in her second co dependent relationship (the first was with a guy who had a kid, who threatened to kill himself and the kid should she leave.) I loved her, I thought she did it back. Fuck the eternal fucker known as God, who thinks this is what I should go through. We're trying the friends route, and I feel bad bc out of the group that included us at one time, I'm the last who still talks to her. One of them, her so called best friend, belittled me when I took her to see my ex for two hours of what a fucker I was. The worst part was I couldn't kick her out, she was stuck in my car during the four drive back home. My ex called me later, and told me it was gonna be okay. That we're still together, and the the best friend was sacked. As soon as ex bff told the others, they all shunned her. I don't want her to feel that she's fucked every relationship she's had. And it's hard, because I'm still working through these feelings. I put her though a lot and she kept giving me chances. I guess this time, it was the last.

    De Hurray:

    Partially related to de boo, I've admitted I'm a codependent asshole. It made up so much of my life, and my seeking approval, that it made miss the important parts of life. I love being in a relationship, be to seek constant approval, is too fucked to be normal. Part of me wants to be in a relationship, but I want to be on my terms and not wrap myself up in so much of the other person. My last gf did that to me and I didn't realize ( we broke up after she stole from the bookstore we worked at, and she got arrested. I broke up with her bc she lied to me about the circumstances and didn't tell me that she had financial problems at the time.) It's going to be a hard journey. I don't know when I'm going to have the old n' out again. But I think i might be reaching a better pleateau.

    But enough about me...

    De Applause:

    @oldhat: Thanks for starting this thread. I needed to vent and I appreciate anyone who's going to comment.
    @flecky: It's good to see you man. Keep at it. If you need someone to vent to, shoot me a email. I use to be in the legal field in the US, not UK so I can't recommend alternatives for you, most I can do is listen.
    @brittanica: Days off kick ass, use them wisely ;) .
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2014
     (11284.34)
    I don't really care for the divide-things-three-ways process of Open Mic.. often enough stuff that's on my mind isn't one or the other or can be told as one or the other. Bleh.

    Stuff that's really obnoxious:
    Being poor. Having few options for making any money. (but hey I chose this life. I stopped applying to office/respectable work years ago)
    Being single. Actually it's being...untouched(?) how do I put this... unlaid? Feeling undesirable sucks, but it's the damned frustration that really gets me. (But I've chosen a life that pretty much requires celibacy unless there's someone who doesn't mind getting with an overweight 30something...)(I'm sorta working on this. Kind of.)
    Being depressed. I don't... there's not even... I mean. What can I say? I'm not crushed right now... so that just leaves me time and mental space to get angry with myself for sabotaging my own shit day in and day out.
    Having crappy plumbing. The toilet has been running for months. I've been mentioning it for months. Mom has been putting off getting a plumber because dad has said he would take care of it, and then dad either forgets or is too ill to do it. And in the meantime, the loud fucking toilet runs and runs. Oh and this is after dad put a big hole in my wall to swap out the plumbing to my shower...but then never actually did that. So now there's just this ugly fucking hole in the wall. For the last several months.
    Being without cable... Well Time Warner was super obnoxious so I'm glad we're moving back to DirecTV but damn it's been two weeks and I'm not sure how to catch up to stuff I missed. Okay, this is not remotely a big deal. But it's a pain. Because finally...

    Things that are pretty sweet:
    OB has been away for a couple of weeks to an in-house test thing where they try out meds on him. The salient point to us is that he's AWAY. It's actually a mixed bag because my mom has said he's not supposed to do these any more because to change out his meds makes him a mess and then he brings that mess home. For right now it's really peaceful and quiet and nice. But whenever he gets back it's not going to be peaceful and nice. It's going to suck a lot. Present tense...nice, future, shithole. *sigh*
    (Part of the shithole is that we can't be out in the common space without getting into something with my asshole brother. So while he's gone we can be out and it's pleasant. Oh wouldn't this be a nice fucking time to catch up on some TV without my asshole brother hanging around, being an asshole? If only we had TV...)
    I'm working on a play with my theatre company that I think is freaking brilliant and we're all excited to work on it. It's a fuck ton of work and I get zero pay, but damn I love working on good art.

    Stuff that sorta, I don't even know.
    Someone who had coached me quit answering my emails and I'm sure it's because he's busy but it's not terrific for my little actor-y ego and he's sworn he'll get back to me but then silence... And it's kinda negative but it's also forcing me to be flexible and find the answers elsewhere, and anyway I'm not his responsibility. There so much going on that April is already booked up solid but NONE of it pays anything and if I had any money I'd be spending it on classes and other things PDQ because I like how things are going, I just need to go faster, or with more money or just more... obviously? Because all I can do is keep plugging away and just have faith that all of this means something and will turn into something solid at some point...later.
    And that rolls into watching classmates and friends get called up to work and book gigs and shit and I just hang around and applaud them because they're talented and totally deserving and I'm just wondering where my ship is. Do I need to get a "real" job? Do I need to live on my own? Do I need to dump thousands of dollars on proper equipment to do shit at home that might never turn a profit? What am I doing wrong? Gets all the anxiety going. ALL OF IT.
    I don't buy that I don't have the talent. But I might be missing something. I probably am. But I can't begin to guess what. And I'm picky about my coaching input but people who I want to hear from either cost a lot or are too fucking busy for me so I sorta feel like I'm just making due. but Goddammit I'm worth the fucking bother. Am I not?? Well, truthfully, probably not, and it's not about me specifically, that's just the biz. It's not in anyone's interest to stop and help out a starting actor. It just isn't. But fuck I can't spend any more money without a serious plan for moving forward. And I have to develop that plan by myself. The least fucking qualified person has to do this. Oh god, just shoot me.
    I can't stand living with my family but I don't have a better option and I shouldn't fucking complain because there are people working with less and I love my family even when I want to deck each and every one of them and so how can I say this is negative when you couldn't have dragged me away from them when we had those earthquakes this weekend. I'm goddamn lucky to have them in my life. I just don't want them under my skin.
    And I love doing stuff for my theatre but this is so the wrong time. I really need to concentrate on voice over I don't have the time, nor really the energy, to work on a play, but here I am doing this any way because I love it. Because I can't stand the idea of letting this play pass me by without doing anything on it. But I suck at time management and so I don't leave myself the right kind of time to work on the play and a when I do the work I screw myself over for working on my career.
    ARGHhhh
    I'M TOO STRESSED OUT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD EVERYTHING IS A PROBLEM AND IT'S ALL WONDERFUL, TOO.

    Pour Vous:
    Brittanica: Green Jello! WOOT tEll mee of this Green Jello show!
    Soviet Rocket: Well good for self realization. Sucks to have to grow up; life lessons. Bleah. But it makes you grow (forces, really) and that's good.
    Kay: Yay for being sane-ish
    Allana: Yays for getting paid! Woot!
    Oldhat: yay for forward movement on weight matters
    @JP hoping good thoughts for continued computer use. I know what it's like to just run on hope.
    Flecky: *hugs* Thinking good thoughts for you. It's hard as shit out there, don't let the bastards get you down.
  7.  (11284.35)
    GOOD: I had an old friend visit for the weekend. He really needed it. He's been trapped at his folks' with no money, no job, and no car in rural NJ. His drinking is ridiculous, but getting him out of his house made me see how much of it is not straight up addiction, but just depression and boredom. So that's a bit of a relief, but either way, it's not going to improve because he's not going to change his situation. Still, a nice weekend of being social. I've realized how much I've improved, not just since I got out of my Aunt's house, but also since I was 19 and hanging out with my old crew of friends. I was the loopy lowest on the social totem pole. I was scolded. Often. Condescended to. Reprimanded. Given orders. I'm far more confident and together these days. My friend was impressed at how much more together I am than I had been a few years ago. Neither of us thought I'd improve my life so much.

    BAD: My old friends bum me out. Not just because of the drugs and lack of motivation, but.... they never really fit me. I was always the only artist. The only reader. The only one who read comics. I'm realizing how alone I was even when I had my crew of friends. I never ever wanted to be "the smart one", I want to be around people smarter than me, people more creative. I can't imagine how much more I'd have accomplished if I went to art school or even just had friends who were MOTIVATED to make something or do something.

    Also, I'm moving in with the fellow. Which I was looking forward to. But he really still doesn't have his shit together. And i'm worried. In finding him a new roommate right before I move in, we discussed how making sure that back yard access was important. The roommate would have the bedroom facing the back yard, but his room is split in two; one small bed room, another room four feet wide that leads to the back door. "Explain that he can keep his stuff in there, but that he's got to keep it open for us to have yard access!" I said to the fellow, and he agreed. Every roomie he interviewed, I'd ask first about the yard access. We totally talked about it. And yesterday, I asked about the new housemate who'd just moved in, and I was told "I told him that I'd climb through the window while he was in his room." It's a small issue, I suppose, but fucking huge to me. Having access to a back yard is the only way I get to be outside. I can't fucking climb out a window when I want to go outside. What if I want to have someone over? What if the dude has a hangover all day? My joints are a wreck. I can't always just scramble through a window. It was FUCKING DISCUSSED. REPEATEDLY. And so now he's gone to talk about the roommate and ask him if we can go through his small-room, and now I'm the crazy fucking girlfriend, and it's ASKING and it's a FAVOR and not just a fucking term of the apartment. Like we talked about. So now I'm all nervous and apprehensive about this. I was going to tell my roommate as I gave him my rent TODAY that I am moving out, and this all happened yesterday, and I don't have time to rethink or reassess. I just have to do it. I don't know how long is fair to wait for him to get his shit together. He's been broke since November, I really can't be the one with the money. If money is tight, I get it, but egad, at least take care of the things that are actually within your control, y'know?! I really need someone who I can rely on, and this is just...

    Sorry. Venting. Nervous.

    I'm just really afraid that I shouldn't be willingly moving out of a less-than-ideal-but-stable apartment, especially after I finally got things to a kind of tolerable level of general cleanliness and order.

    @Kay: Maybe try a TENS unit? I've used them strapped to my abdomen and other bits because I often can't work out. They can be pretty cheap: LINK! They also kill pain amazingly well for spinal/nerve pain. There's different settings. The low constant buzzzzzzz is great for pain, but if you switch the settings over to a pulsing, it constricts muscles FOR you, which does increase muscle mass and burn calories. (I'd recommend getting some rechargable 9V batteries while you are at it, those this run out quick!)

    @JP & Flecky - thanks for your words.
    •  
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2014
     (11284.36)
    I'll keep it short and fucking sweet, cowboy-style.

    Got dumped. Kinda. Well, pretty much, yeah. Let down softly but dumped. We're still friends and I know all the reasons why and they are good reasons and they are all to do with me and I'm not going to tell you what they are, as I am keeping it short and fucking sweet. Cowboy-style.

    On the other hand, I start a voice-over workshop on Tuesday.

    I have other problems but ... Cowboy-style.

    @Soviet Rocket #9 - It'll get better. Don't beat yourself up. Love is not a popularity contest and life is what you make it.
    That's it. No pictures.
  8.  (11284.37)
    ADDENDUM!!!

    GOOD:

    Two years ago I went to my first art opening (aside from being with my mom as a kid) to see a drawing of me (by Yao Xiao) as a Fox Spirit. (I might have shown up wearing my gramma's baby fox stole around my neck, getting looks of horror by the other attendees, not having realized it was an art show to benefit animals.)

    Last year a friend asked me to submit something to an opening she was curating, which was the first time I ever submitted anything to a show, or was part of one!

    A few months ago, I submitted work to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, the first time I ever submitted things to an open call.

    Last night I found out that I got TWO PEICES ACCEPTED! :D

    I hope I keep up this overdue and slow-momentumed entrance into the art world.

    BAD:

    I told my roommate on the 4th of April that I'm moving out. He is holding me to the "30 day notice" rule, so if he doesn't find a roommate in time, I'll have to pay an additional month of rent, and that's some stupid bullshit. I guess that'll give me enough time to paint all the walls and get everything settled before I fully change my residence, but still. That's $200 more in rent I'm paying by staying here.
    •  
      CommentAuthorglukkake
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2014
     (11284.38)
    @rachael - didn't he specifically not have you co-sign the lease? I don't think you're actually held to anything.
  9.  (11284.39)
    @ Rachæl - thanks for the suggestion! It's something I will take up with my doctor.I'm having another of those apparently-better days today but I've learned not to trust them.
  10.  (11284.40)
    @glukkake: Yes, that is true, I am not on the lease and he never asked for a deposit. Technically I could give him a week's notice. But I don't want to end things in an adversarial way. I'll just make sure to find some viable roommate candidates for him this month, I suppose. (I wasn't expecting this to be without some passive-aggressive hurdles.)

    @Kay: I never got a doctor's prescription or anything for them, and my Aunt got me one when I was 18. I'm not saying "don't go to your doctor about stuff", but they sell similar devices on TV designed as a belt with few controls just for the ab-effect, and it's pretty harmless (just don't stick it to your head or chest).