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      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2014
     (11332.1)
    Okay so let's follow up on the New Year's resolution thread and see just how bad we want it.

    If you're new to these threads - or if you fell off the wagon - No sweat! Forget about January and New Year's Resolutions and all that crap and demand better of yourself today!
    ============================================
    Been working my butt off on a play and not left a lot of push & energy to get to anything else. Hugely obnoxious how I can only get to so much when I'm watching other people blow through long freaking to-do lists, achieving 20 things in a day and reaping all the rewards and shit... Okay, I know only looks like that and they really are struggling like anyone else - but I'm dead certain I have below average energy. It fucking kills me that I can pretty much only work on one project per week. I love doing theatre like crazy but it's been a month and change of doing this while work I swore I would do come hell or high water just lies around going fallow.
    I couldn't get to most of my VO through the month. Not even checking in with VO classmates and friends. Lost track of a several coaches and one is pretty much ignoring me completely, maybe two. The suck is, besides taking classes I don't know what to do next. Guh.
    Burning Man is practically dead for me. I had a tiny amount of money in the bank but I had to burn through it this month. I can try to get it back over the course of the month but it'll be tough and it's becoming apparent I may need that cash elsewhere because my truck is otherwise dying more and more quickly. I want to shoot myself in the head over this one. It's been such a THING that I've heard about for almost 20 years, I've been talking to people since last October about going and now... I'm failing and all the Burners I know are walking away from it, shrugging at me and saying oh well and just... Ugh. I thought there was some kind of community here??!?!
    Just as falling apartish on the Japanese. Except for Tweets from Dai Sato and a few others that I occasionally work to translate I'm not really keeping up my Japanese. I can kind of read some of it, but I really just need to practice the speaking- the opportunities for which are few and far in between.
    Weight Loss Oh god this one scares me the most because I'm sure I've fallen back from the ground I gained. Fuck me. Opening a play means no time/energy for the gym much, MUCH more crap food in the diet.

    Ugh thank goodness this thread lets me pick up every month and try again.
    ============================================

    Refresher:
    Month 1
    Month 2
    Month 3



    You can't have been worse. So?
  1.  (11332.2)
    I'm too exhausted from school to do any of the self improvement stuff I resolved in January. I can barely get my schoolwork done, and then I have to go to work all tired and grumpy. My coworkers are very nice to me, though. I would kind of like to spend the summer vacation (which starts very soon!) working on my mental health.

    Mental and emotional energy are just as exhaust-able and exercise-able resources as physical energy, razr. We can do it. Go team, and shit.
  2.  (11332.3)
    1) Health/Weight Loss: Haha nope. Need to work on that more. Good news is warm weather is coming, and that will help everyone's sanity around this area. And hopefully make self control easier.

    2) Work on Website/Sell Art: Not really. I have some ideas, and I finally have a computer (but I need to do some OS meddling before it'll really work proper).

    3) Consistently Clean Apartment: Nope.

    4) Work on mental health/have healthy relationships/Don't turn into my sister: I'm doing ok? The long, cold and terrible winter has been sapping just about everyone, so I'm hoping that I'll be emotionally more able to do stuff and get better at everything as the weather improves. It has to improve, right?

    5) Get my finances back in order: Taxes got done (yay!), I'm no longer broke (yay!), and now I just have to get into the habit of budgeting and saving.

    @razrangel: Maybe I shouldn't be saying this since I have such a hard time keeping my shit together, and I have so little improvement, but I've been noticing a pattern. You have goals. Good goals that you have potential in. You do theater, and you love it, and sometimes it pays you (maybe? a little?) But there's a constant struggle. There's the depression. There's the being stretched too thin, and there's your family that drives you bonkers. I believe you can do amazing things, but the way things are... it's just not working. It's great to have lots of passions, but you've got too much on your plate. Your family, you can't control. Your depression... there are options, but you have to want to take them, and the way you approach it is up to you. But all the other stuff? I feel it would help if you would ask yourself, "Is this helping me or holding me back?" "Is there potential to grow and get better, or is what I'm doing here taking my energy away from actually going forward?" Because I am all too familiar with being overwhelmed and being stretched in too many ways and it wasn't until I took steps away from things that weren't working before things started to get better. Am I where I want to be? Hell no. But things are better than they used to be, and I hope I will continue to get better, and maybe even be successful at some things. It'll take a long time, but hopefully I'll get there. I believe you can get where you want to be, I really do, but what you're trying to be do is hard, even for those people who have their life settings at easy. I think you can get there, and I hope things get better for you.
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      CommentAuthorbrittanica
    • CommentTimeMay 4th 2014
     (11332.4)
    No, no, and no.

    The thought popped in my head that I don't take care of myself because I hate myself, but I hate myself because I don't take care of myself, and that's fairly disgusting.
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      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeMay 5th 2014
     (11332.5)
    I think my life setting IS at easy. So far. As long as nothing goes wrong it all floats forward super easy. It just doesn't improve and things do go wrong all the time, and without the improvements to offset shit breaking, I get really freaked out by things I can't get a grip on. I LOVE theatre. I'm fucking IN LOVE with this shit. It just doesn't pay dick. Since the end of February to the end of this month I've been caught up in this play and in the end I'll make $200 - and I'm lucky there's even that much. If I focused on the other stuff meant to get me to a payday the wait would be even longer. I just meant to do less theatre this year... But a pretty little thing came my way and turned my head, and was I supposed to say no? Are you crazy?
    I'm just frustrated and trying to let go of coming up short and just rededicate. Though I am cranky that I pretty much have to give up on Burning man. That sucks.
    It's actual time management and focus. Two things I'm *horribly* terrible at. Unspeakably bad.
    Thanks for your input @Trini, I do appreciate your thought.
  3.  (11332.6)
    1) Get the weight down to 72kg, where I got a good start but an equally good rebound last year. Preferably by June. I'm starting from 81.5kg as of yesterday

    Managed to hit 74kg on the best day, but after I injured my arm and I haven't been able to climb, yoga or even ride a bike, plus it's been my birthday week, things have taken a bit of a rebound. Not too bad, but just enough to make me cranky.

    2) I can currently climb four out of five 5C routes on boulder with confidence. By the end of the year I want that to apply for 6A.

    Managed to get comfy with 6As before arm went fucky. Don't know when I can climb again :/


    3) Publish one IF game for either Spring Thing or IFcomp.

    On a back burner, making me uncomfortably aware of them.

    4) Publish at least one short story.

    Published one in an anthology, now drafting another for a coming anthology, so I have that going for me <3

    5) Start on the second novel.

    Nope. Although, background research is ongoing.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeMay 5th 2014
     (11332.7)
    1. Lose at least 20lbs -Still at the "lost 10lbs" mark. Better than I was and the belly doesn't stick out as much, but still.

    2. Run a 5K marathon - Been starting to run 5k more and more on the treadmill. Maybe by this summer.

    3. Take on more freelance work - Two photo jobs, one photo job going to meetings tomorrow, working on a bio with another to start on this week. Yep.

    4. Get a place of my own. Or at least get closer to that outcome. -I have a TFSA now, and more is being saved up, so...on it's way? Mom is pushing me to own a house, but in a major city that's not looking too good...especially since I'd like to live closer to downtown than I am now.

    5. Cook more vegetarian/vegan meals. - Actually gotten to the point where I can't really eat homemade beef burgers anymore. The grease just gets to me. Veggie burgers all the way.

    6. Do more Thirsty Wench stuff. - Can't talk about it, but there are plans for stuff.

    7. Work on trust issues and depression - Something happened a couple of weeks that got me starting to move a little more forward in a positive direction.

    8. Be a better friend. - I'm trying, but failing due to all the busy I'm going through right now. Kind of feel like shit. Especially with one friend. He hates going out on weekends (always just goes otu of town to see his family) and I hate going out on weekdays (At the end of most days I'm too exhausted to deal with people and just need to recharge). It's becoming a struggle to meet up that we're both getting annoyed with.

    9. Take better care of my appearance. - No, but I'm starting to make some steps.

    10. Finish my pulpy ultra-violent novella. - Not yet
  4.  (11332.8)
    I think my life setting IS at easy. So far. As long as nothing goes wrong it all floats forward super easy. It just doesn't improve and things do go wrong all the time,
    You realize that those two bolded bits mean that your life setting is NOT at easy, right? Everybody's life is easy if nothing goes wrong. It's the frequency at which things go wrong that determines whether your life is easy or not.

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