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  1.  (1204.1)
    Shamelessly taken from a link on William Gibson's blog earlier...
    A perp popped up from behind the Orange Julius counter with a full auto Kalashnikov with a 75rd drum, and opened up in the direction of my partner, meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges. Another two perps appeared on the upper level and brought down hell-fire on us from above. One had a Winchester Model 70 in .30-06 with a 10x scope and the other was laying down suppressive fire with a Mac10 variant. The perps were all sporting cheap russian NVGs.
    Mall Ninjas: Have you got what it takes to be an internet troll fuckwit?

    My favourite quote...
    I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days. But there are many brave men like myself out there who risk their lives daily, so that boys like yourself can live a normal heterosexual life.
    • CommentTimeFeb 28th 2008
    <blockquote>I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. </blockquote>

    I hate the internet so much right now.

    - Z
      CommentAuthorJon Wake
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    My god, its full of 'tards...

    The scary part is I think I know this guy. Go to any RPG store and its the same guy backing you into a corner with tales of his 40th level half-orc barbarian. Shortly thereafter the "now, let me tell you what has REAL stopping power" conversation begins.
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    Well... lots of geeks like guns etc. I mean, they're pretty. So you get conversations like that around the gaming table all the time when people are arguing whether a rifle or a shotgun is the best way to kill an umber hulk. I mean... uh. But they aren't serious conversations.

    But the obsessive types like that are really annoying. There's something icky about them.

    (Oh, and it turns out the umber hulk wins)
      CommentAuthorJon Wake
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008 edited
    nerdvoice-- See, it's obvious that nothing short of a .30-06 would penetrate the hardened carapace of the umber hulk, used to the heightened pressures of the underdark.--/nerdvoice

    Sigh. I'm going to go, I don't know, drink a case of Jameson and open a vein or something.
    • CommentAuthorMDickey
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    I think I've just read Will Farrell's next script...
    • CommentAuthorElohim
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    Oh. My. God. What utter lunatics. Utter moonshine.
    Fun to read though.

    And it covers for us.
    The true shadow-guardians of pokey half-arsed shopping centres.

    Thanks to these fools the criminals do not believe we exist...
    • CommentAuthorScottS
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    I, for one, salute the brave and noble black-op paramilitary elite forces that are.. um... apparently preventing Mortal Kombat games from being stolen from the arcade? And uh.... saving the Mayor's nephew from.. um... something.

    Man, now I know where Tom Clancy get's his ideas. Coming soon: "Hunt for Ass Virginity" starring Sean Connery and Ben Affleck!
  2.  (1204.9)
    I had no idea shopping was so dangerous in the US. I can't understand why those brave, brave men had to suffer such ridicule for helping to protect the rights of fellow citizens to shop without fear of buggery from missile-toting Chechens. We should follow their example in the UK, before Lakeside turns into a no-go zone.
    • CommentAuthorStefanJ
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008 edited
    MDickey nails it. This has the makings of a wonderful stupid movie. The script practically writes itself.

    The guy who plays Napoleon Dynamite's brother would make a great co-star.

    Best of all, you could probably hire Gecko45 as an adviser and DVD commentator and he wouldn't understand that it's a satire.
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    MDickey, StefanJ

    Fantastic idea. Will Ferrel stars in Mall Ninja: The Epic of Gil Tweekly.
    • CommentAuthorpeteloaf
    • CommentTimeFeb 29th 2008
    That shit is priceless. Fucking gold.

    I don't get gun nuts. I'm in the military, so I know my way around weapons, but I couldn't give a damn about them outside using them for work.

    "Can I operate this thing?" Check
    "Is it clean?" Check
    "Does it shoot fatal projectiles at the dude I want dead?" Check

    All I fucking care about. I understood about 2% of the gun jargon in there.
  3.  (1204.13)
    This is funny stuff. I wish I could be a mall ninja.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeMar 2nd 2008
    Real ninja don't wear body armor. They dodge. Nor do their garments contain pockets or holsters - anything they need can be stored within the all-consuming blackness of their stealth suits. Nor do they visit malls. Except possibly to get the free sample teryaki bites in front of the Sarku in the food court.
      CommentAuthorJon Wake
    • CommentTimeMar 2nd 2008
    I think the only way to understand this is to Ask a Ninja.
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2008
    if i were a ninja, i'd be hiding my ass next to sarku.
    the poor guy would go through tray after tray in minutes and never know why.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2008
    Hah! That scene begs to be comicified.
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2008
    I wish I could be a deadly assassin feared by all of Vietnam.

    I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2008
    I think I'm just going to drink - from the ninja shotglasses I purchased yesterday.
  4.  (1204.20)
    Um, wow. I really feel stupidyierer or something

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