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    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
    Warren said: " You need to want to be you when you grow up."
    I had an epiphany a fortnight ago. I was back in Ireland 20 years after living there. Strolling around places I used to be so fond of (Sandycove, the Gravediggers...) and I came to the conclusion that growing old is all right, growing old is not a waste of time, growing old is a good craic as long as you've been true to yourself (and you know deep inside if you've been true or not, you can't just decide you've been so)
    Next year same time? I'll be in a plane, learning a few words of the natives I'll be visiting.
  1.  (3106.2)

    Question: A man offered me a ride home this afternoon(while I was walking home from the place I am renting-to-own my laptop from), while driving me home he asked what I was doing later in the evening(I answered truthfully and said I would be sleeping) and he said "Bye babe" when I got out of his car. So was he trying to ask me out? And did I pass as a woman without knowing it?

    Who really knows? I'd try not to get too caught up in the pronoun game as a gauge for anything. There's so many things that could happen, it will make you crazy if you judge your progress on that. At the end of the day it's about how you feel and your own confidence.

    I'm in a situation where I'm working at a job I used to work before I transitioned, and the manager who never knew me in my previous gender, decided to make it really weird and awkward, and inform all of the new staff of my previous gender situation, and make it this big tadoo(I almost didn't get hired because of it, and was told this outright(which is legal for them to do in this state)). It is the first job I've ever had where the word transgender ever has come up. And the first time people have started stumbling around on pronouns. I could take that and make it this negative thing, but I'm secure enough in who I am that I just kind of laugh at the silliness of it. It's not a big deal. The customers don't know and don't care, the only reason the staff know or care is because they are bored and have been made to care. Things are already settling down though as people actually get to meet me as opposed to theorize about me. Just remember, you're not a pronoun.

    At the end of the day, you are who you are, and little pronouns slips or non-slips by strangers really don't have much bearing on it.
    • CommentAuthorDragone
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
    Just got back from a job that has fucking killed my social life.
    Drinking to just be able to kill the rage from the job that is killing my social life.
    Drinking makes me happy.
    Working on a story about my job that kills the soul.
    In a years time I fucking hope that I finish my ``work story`` and I`m not at my shity job and I`m participating more in the wonderful board.
  2.  (3106.4)
    tell me what you want to be doing, or where you want to be, this time next year. Or just vent, scream, show people your arse or talk dirty to me, it's Saturday night, do what you like...

    Last night it rained like hell, thundered like the voice of an Angry God that was ready to smite some unbelievers...tonight, it's just a quiet sprinkling. This time, next year... I want to have created something. Not a painting here or there when I find a few hours to myself, or the occasional sketch. I want to do something that will make people stop and stare. Not for a 6-second burst, but for LONGER. I want to write something worth while, something that makes people stop thinking about their work day, sucks'em in and makes them ache when it's over because, damn, it's fuckin' over and they have to WAIT until I write something again for more...

    The problem isn't a lack of ability. I damn well know I can do these things, to some degree or other. It's finding time. I have so many ideas... but enough whinging- something will happen, or it won't, and however way it'll go, I'll have no one to blame but myself.
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008

    At the end of the day, you are who you are, and little pronouns slips or non-slips by strangers really don't have much bearing on it.

    I know this but it's good sometimes to hear it from someone other than myself.
    Thank you.
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
    Update - blew off cycling in Golden Gate Park... we both passed out in front of the telly.

    Woke up, had bacon sandwiches for dinner, watched 'Be Kind, Rewind'. Lovely movie.

    Off out to The Bridge to see RuPaul @ Peaches Christ's Midnight Mass.

    Tix for El Vez this Wednesday. My birthday treat!
  3.  (3106.7)
    @ Sara 013

    Awesome, totally cool watch mutation and photo!
    • CommentAuthorstonedeph
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
    I think that the saddest thing.... that occurred to me today.. is..... that I,... being a product.... of my environment,... can. can... only manage to oc.cassionally look back... on my actions.. with healthy application of object....objectivity.. in my analysis.. of my life.. and realize... that I am a fool,... in comparision to the made-up.. the made-up image that I created for myself... I wish.... that I could loose my bonds of universal nature... and be a cerebral being,.... but in trying to do this... I only accumulate differing... differing degrees of social ill.. on my fellow humans.

    I wish... the second law of thermodynamics... was a law I could break.... I take solace though.... in knowing.. that there is no wrong for which I can commit... just harms. that I try very.. hard... to avoid..........
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
    @vanessa: i have tested out PD a few times and it'd be like learning Max all over again - which i'm sure i will commit to do, sometime in the next year. for now, i'll just dream big. and i'm trying to teach myself processing, too, so that tends to get in the way (mostly just trying to decide which platform would work best for each idea).
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008 edited
    @ Gilian : My appearance seems to be well into the androgynous zone.
    Well isn't that the future of our species anyway, once the sexist bits and habits will have ceased to comfort some of us, once being a man or a woman will not interfere on our personnal, social and working life. Once being a woman won't mean being paid less for the same job. Once being a man won't mean testosterone shite. Once manhood and womanhood won't mean pizza, gross jokes and male bonding vs small talk, windowshopping and bitching. I'm talking about a very far future I'm afraid.
    Anyway, Gilian, whatever that guy meant, he was trying to be nice with you.

    Oh, that, and I've started to learn Irish. Stop the press.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    this afternoon i gave up on the rain, typed up journals from last year and added a new item to my list of rules: i like reading my writing when it doesn't suck or whine, so the deal is - write shit i want to read, especially in the journals (random brain trip in the morning about what happens when sheets go from awesome to suck, only you forget about it and fold them after the laundry and then have nightmares and have to burn the sheets on the grill made me really fucking happy. i have no clue what it's about, but i liked typing it).

    the leaves on one of the trees outside cast a shadow on the door to the strange garage in the backyard that looks like Bast.

    i'm most of the way through a bottle of cheap chenin blanc and sharing space with a cat. next year i fully anticipate a variation on the same theme.

    one of my best friends is going to Poland with her husband. i will be in Tuscon when they get back. i am nervous about being away from them for four weeks, and aware that it will pass. i will miss her. my mother's MS is making her speech more slurred. there is nothing in the world that would make it okay with her if i put anything off on her account, but i'm getting scared and want to be near her.

    now that i've surprised myself, i'm gonna go finish that bottle and sleep.

    good days, whitechapel...
    • CommentAuthorkozmund
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    Just got back from a week of fishing on a wilderness lake in Canada. A 77 square mile lake that's fairly unaccessible with only a handful of cabins on it. We had to take a float plane into it, which is another story entirely. We were the rag-tag group in a cabin mostly frequented by businessmen who don't want to take anything back across the U.S. border.

    Our last night there, a good friend and I decided to stay up late, turn off the generator, consume some of the leftovers and sit outside. To the north, a thunder storm was rolling across the horizon. Directly above, the sky was clear with no light pollution at all. We're talking about something like not a single light in a 30 mile radius. We sat out, smoking someone else's Cuban Cohibas, drinking someone else's aged single malt, shooting the shit, and enjoying the show. At some point, my friend mentioned that seeing so many stars so clearly made him wish more than ever that he had a space ship.

    About 15 minutes later, while he was peeing in the bushes, I hollered to him. He came back and asked what I was going on about. I pointed out to him that the brightest object in the sky was currently working its way from horizon to horizon. A long pause. Finally, when it started getting low, he asked, awed and confused, "What the hell is that?"

    I had the honor of telling him that it was The International Space Station.
  4.  (3106.13)
    Hi, everyone!!!
    I used to be one of those guys who thought that meeting people thru the internet was for losers, oddly, me not being a sports guy or some shit like that! I've always been a rather shy guy, but nevertheless prefered direct human contact.
    And for a month, I've been having this kind of "relationship" with this incredible woman, via Messenger, who actually lives like 2000 miles away from me!!
    And now I want by all means to kill myself! I mean, I, myself, want to catch this skinny guy and punch him to unconciousness!! This skinny guy who is ME!!! How ridiculous this situation can be??! How absurd???
    But then again, I've been watching and enjoying this interactive community, like many others, and, well, I'm actually clueless!

    So, fuck me sideways!

    Love you all!!!!!!!!
    • CommentAuthorwillreaves
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    A year from now: I want to be on the other side of this continent, or on another.

    Vent: I'm piss arse drunk at the moment, the result of some finely distilled spirits and a whole load of low-quality swill. The girl I've pined after (fruitlessly) for years is passed out in my living room, underneath a blanket and with pillow. We had a birthday part for my roommate's fiance tonight, which was a rousing success. It's only in these hours when there's no one else in the loft that I curse myself and spit spiteful words at what might have been.

    Otherwise, at the moment I'm on a truce with the universe. I can take or leave things as they stand. Give me something to love or something to hate; I cannot stand this equilibrium.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008

    Anyway, Gilian, whatever that guy meant, he was trying to be nice with you.

    He was nice and I have no bad feelings against him. It's just I wish I knew what was going on from his point of view. Did he 'clock' me? Or not? Was he asking about later for a reason? Or was he just talking? None of this really matters but part of me can't help but wonder.
    • CommentAuthorSkeevins
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    Speaking of, uh, love, I performed as the Tin Woodsman in a production of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz tonight.

    Tin Woodsman

    There's a lot of things about that character that I just don't get. He was originally a regular guy whose axe got cursed by the Wicked Witch of the East and accidentally chopped off all of his body parts in turn, thereby creating the need for an obscene amount of tin prosthetics. So basically, he's this lumbering parody of humanity, forced to live as an immortal golem the rest of his days...and yet, when given the opportunity to ask the most powerful person in the land for a single favor, he asks for a heart. At no point does he stop to think "Hey, maybe it would be a good idea if I asked to not be tin anymore. Because there are a good many organs that will improve my odds at a relationship in addition to a heart. And being human again will give me access to the full catalogue." Nope, all he wants is a heart. To me, even the sweet embrace of death would seem like a better plan. What's he going to do if he meets a nice lady? There's only so much metal fingers can do with out rusting.

    Which brings me to point #2: tin doesn't rust. So either he has iron joints, or that fucker is one hell of a lubrication freak.
  5.  (3106.17)

    Whether or not he "clocked" you, he obviously found you attractive enough to make a clumsy pass at you. Are you worried that he might have been a 'chaser?
    • CommentAuthorDon Kelly
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    Tired. Just took some of the kids out for a small celebration. It's the penultimate night of my current restaurant/nightclub. I'm bringing my act to the South Bay where the white folks hear words like recession and think opportunity. I am a whore, but they're paying me well just to run the bar before a tip touches my fingers. And the Downtown spot is falling fast. You can smell a place dying when you've done this long enough.

    Haven't done a "where will I be in a year" estimation in a while. As I'm thinking about it I'll give you something to hold me to. In a year I will stop bartending. I'll be 38 and that seems like a fine time to get out. Of course, so did 35 and 36. Never really thought about it here at the dawn of 37.

    I have no screams. A mouth, but no screams. I've implemented lots of changes over the last few weeks, so there's been no time for maddening things. A contentedness helps to leaden my eyelids. Wanted to end on some profound thought about coworkers, small, mutual affects, and leaving a mark, but can't muster it at 20 to 4. Sorry to leave everyone drooling for my wisdom. Maybe after a nap.

    Best regards.
    • CommentAuthorleech
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2008
    So going to the park to commit shit drawing today no less than FOUR scum-tards threw a ball at me so that their dog would run over and they could chase after it and say something along the lines of "OH sorry bout that, HE(refereing to their dog) just wants to see what you're doing." look at my page then walk off.
    What is wrong with these scum fucks? is it so hard to just come up and say "hey, what you drawing?" or what ever, sure I'll still think you're a douche for interupting, but slightly less of one that needs to throw a ball at someone to start a conversation...people don't apreciate it, I know I've tried it.....Ok maybe it wasn't exactly in a park and instead of a ball it was a glass bottle....and I was heroically drunk, but the concept is similar.

    One year from now? I'll probably be preparing for the exhibition at the end of tafe(If I don't fail this year), hopefully I'll be better skilled, a little more confident and much less paranoid.