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      CommentAuthorrhyzzz
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2009
     (4852.1)
    I've been writing this song since Friday and now that it's done I'd like some outside opinions on it:

    Brain Fog

    I'll be the king one day,
    Then you'll see the mistakes I've made.
    I'll write it down in black and blue,
    The traps I'll lay will ensnare food.
    Everything I've ever said,
    Will be considered when I'm dead.
    This blue dream will be obscene,
    Three hours before midnight.

    In my cave,
    It's alright.
    I'll hide under,
    fog of night.
    In my cave,
    I'm not lazy.
    Everything,
    is just a little hazy.

    When I am king,
    I'll court the world.
    You'll hear my voice,
    But not my words.
    Everything,
    Will be a little worse.
    It's for the best,
    And it might not hurt.
    I'll tell you,
    What you want to hear.
    Everything will be alright my dear.
    Empty promises full of hope.
    Cracks in eyes,
    Mirrors and ciggerette smoke.

    In my cave,
    It's alright.
    I'll hide under,
    fog of night.
    In my cave,
    I'm not lazy.
    Everything,
    is just a little hazy.

    In my cave,
    It's alright.
    I'll hide under,
    fog of night.
    In my cave,
    I'm not lazy.
    Everything,
    is just a little hazy.
    •  
      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2009
     (4852.2)
    the thing about lyrics is that without music they're just poetry. and poetry is generally crap.

    post an mp3.
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      CommentAuthorrhyzzz
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2009
     (4852.3)
    1. I'm still trying to find a way to record this.
    2. Poetry is not crap, and never will be!
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      CommentAuthormuse hick
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2009
     (4852.4)
    i felt like i could tell where the beats fell and what the rhythm of the piece would be from reading the words. i was thinking quiet verse loud chorus and it seemed to build in a fairly traditional manner to the climax. i felt that it scanned well and there were no real stumbling points for me (cigarette is spelt wrong but that's minor). would be interesting to hear it and see if it sounds how i'm picturing it.
  1.  (4852.5)
    Beyond the fact that "...the traps I'll lay will ensnare food" is incredibly laughable (like the line from Music and Lyrics where Drew Barrymore says "...that song was dinner...", which out of context is mind-bogglingly nonsensical, and in context is just plain goofy writing...), it also doesn't really go with the rest of the song. I'd say think of another word that rhymes with your previous ender, "blue", since "food" doesn't even really fit that bill.

    The other line that got me, from the chorus: "I'm not lazy. Everything, is just a little hazy" - it just seems like really cliche'd imagery. I think that 5 minutes of sitting down and having a good think about it might produce something that you (or at least I) could like better.

    Aside from those qualms, I fully agree with the others here that the music is really a necessity to fully judge a song, because sometimes dumbass lyrics can really work if the music if "good" enough (My Humps being a prime example of dumbass lyrics in an unfortunately catchy song...), and what seemed like really genius prose can stumble over a clunky melody (Trent Reznor's "Hurt" always seemed really boring and plain until Cash covered it and was acompanied by an acoustic guitar that slowly chugs along like a train; you're just waiting for it to burst into a full gallop and it never does... captivating.).

    Who sings it or HOW it is sung can be another make-or-break...

    Ignoring all of that, though, my opening statements are still valid as an outsider's critique of the lyrics by themselves. And I did like some of the imagery, if you want some positive reinforcement: I really liked the lines "I'll write it down in black and blue" and "When I am king, I'll court the world, You'll hear my voice, But not my words."

    The "black and blue" one I enjoyed because it seems like an interesting play on the old joke, "What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothin', she already been told twice!"; but in your case you are fiddling with the idea of conveying information to someone not by leaving them a note or letter, but by bludgeoning them (perhaps...). You know, there is more than one way to send someone a message...

    And "I'll court the world" is just an interesting arrangement of words that I really liked, and I think it works well within the other 3 verses I copied down above. It is indescribable as to why I like it...
    • CommentAuthorThomDunn
    • CommentTimeJan 26th 2009
     (4852.6)
    Strange thing about writing just song lyrics--things that would never, ever pass in poetry can often get by in song ("I took a ride/I didn't know/What I find/there" brilliant fucking poetry, that).

    For the most part, this works as far as song lyrics go. It does heavily on universal themes and non-specifics, which is the typical safezone for pop songwriting. The belief being that it makes it more relatable to any listener, as they can project their own meaning onto the song and give it more personal resonance than any songwriter could (supposedly) intentionally achieve.

    I agree with a lot of FrequentContributor's observations. "Write it down in black and blue" is a great line, as it blends well into a pop lyric formula, but actually invokes some interesting imagery. The idea of "court[ing] the world," is another interesting reversal of expectations--the world isn't becoming your court, but rather, you are attempting to win the favor of the world, which seems strange if you are already king. Thought-provoking indeed! Meanwhile, you should pay better mind to the placement of articulation in your songs. You use a lot of common, simple terminology, which is fine, but a word like "ensnares" lacks a musical quality thanks to the nasal stops produced by the 'n,' in addition to the sibilant sounds, and it makes really breaks up the flow of the words, regardless of whether the syllables fit. It would be very cumbersome to actually sing. I also have no idea why this King is lying traps for food; this motif is never revisited. However, "This blue dream will be obscene," on the other hand, works fine in my opinion, because the nasal stop comes at the end, and it could potentially flow in iambs (which is a very handy rhythm to follow, typically)

    There should perhaps be more of a connection drawn between "mirrors and cigarette smoke" and the general fog of which you smoke. Great potential for thematic unity.

    The chorus (or what I assume to be the chorus) reminds me a lot of Weezer's "In the Garage," except that the nerd rock feel is replaced by that "dark" teen angst of "hard rock" like Evanescence. This isn't meant as an insult, but an observation; it does have the twist of the Hot Topic consumer appeal.
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      CommentAuthorrhyzzz
    • CommentTimeJan 26th 2009
     (4852.7)
    Thanks for the feedback.
    I hate clich├ęs in general, so I'm thinking of redoing some of them most generic lines in there.
    I'm also going redo the general structure of the song and add a solo(of sorts) & a bridge.

    @muse hick - To me, the song is turning out to be a bit Nirvana-ish.
    Don't judge me. :D
    @frequentcontributor - I'm definitely redoing parts, if not all, of the chorus.
    @ThomDunn - One of the lines I'm not going to change is the 'ensnare food' one. I like the half rhyme, and as for the sound of the word affecting the flow, it seems to work well in my British accent.
    • CommentAuthorThomDunn
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2009
     (4852.8)
    Fair enough. If it actually does work musically, then go for it. Hell, I've used "meticulously" and "repugnant" in songs and it's gone pretty well.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2009
     (4852.9)
    Pretty good!

    I have a feeling that this might get the arse eels though...
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      CommentAuthorrhyzzz
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2009
     (4852.10)
    @robinleblanc - I'll be honest, I still don't fully understand the whole Arse Eels thing. Someone has yet to explain it to me.
  2.  (4852.11)
    I'm pretty enticed by it all. I'd really like to hear it, but then again, the lyrics are solid enough as they stand that I can "hear" it enough to enjoy it. Not a huge fan of the chorus, but it works in the context of the song. The verses are very strong, though.

    Re: Arse Eels - insertion thereof as determined by violation of one of Whitechapel's prime directives, in this instance likely regarding Rule #5 - Don't Post Your Fiction Here. I would imagine that lyrics, poetry and other creative veins might also qualify, thus creating Robin's (and my own) concerns, but until you get pummeled in the anus, I will state once again my enjoyment of the path you have begun upon. Polish can only mean better results.