Whitechapel - Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T00:51:04-08:00

Everyone on here has a trade, maybe more than one, and every trade has secrets. Tips, lore, ways of doing things that only those in the field know and understand.

I work in museum design, research and content development. My trade secrets?

-We use Tuff-tie police restraints to bundle cables for audio-visual equipment. Sturdy as hell and resistant to heat

-Every bid is over by 20-30%, every budget from a client is under by 30-40%

-Wikipedia is a stunningly good ready reference, especially for animal and biological reference. There are more accurate references on wikipedia about the geological timetable than on the Smithsonian's site.

-We use Warhammer paints and terrain on our large scale models all the time.

-One model supplier, Preiser, makes a set of nude subathers in HO scale. That's 1:87. And yes, we've used the in models. To wonderful effect.

What are your trade secrets?

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T00:59:22-08:00

Dude, i always figured that was GW terrain!

I'm a professional historian.

-A good chunk of grant money is normally spent on "gifts" (read: bribes) as access to many archives and research areas can only be gotten by paying guards, archivists, etc. off

-About 1/3rd of "work" time on digs, research trips, and academic conferences is actually spent drinking and making god awful mischief.

-Most college professors actually use Wikipedia quite heavily, at least for lectures. Especially on more obscure academic subjects there's little chance of finding inaccurate information, and page formats are easily coverted via copy-paste into power points and lecture notes.

-At larger American universities, Professors actually do very little teaching work. Once syllabuses and lectures are planned at the beginning of the semester, the professor normally just has to show up to lecture. All grading, editing, immediate-lecture planning, etc. is handled by Graduate students and aides.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T01:48:58-08:00

I work in PR.

My main trade secret is that a very brief one line email to a bunch of journalists asking if they're interested in something will get far more responses than even the most beautifully written and presented press release.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T02:48:21-08:00

I'm a paintmaker.

Student quality acrylic paints are little more than powdered chalk, cellulose, and clay with a plastic binder and a dash of cheap pigment. Paintmakers also fill up the mixer drum with water as high as it will go, to maximise profits on the batch.

If you're a serious artist, learn the names of the pigments in your paints, and which ones best suit your needs. The higher-series paint types are worth saving for and buying, because they are made from much better pigments at a higher saturation level, and they have added binders and mediums to give them a richer texture.

Avoid buying paints with numerous pigment codes on the back, because they've been blended from cheaper ingredients to simulate the colour of the more expensive single pigment, and may very well not be the same shade from batch to batch. Examples are quinacridone purple 'shade' and cadmium yellow 'hue'. This goes for all types of artist paint that I know of.

The more pigments you mix together, the dirtier the resulting colour will be.

Paint mediums are interesting to experiment with. There are a lot of different types on the market because the manufacturers are always trying to outdo one another with a new effect.

Paint in tubes is always thicker than paint in tins or jars. It's made that way because otherwise it won't flow through the filling machine.

Thicker does not automatically mean better. Some manufacturers add extra ASE60 thickener to their paints to make them look richer and glossier as you squeeze them out, but it might well still be a crap student paint.

A lot of inorganic paint bases are pretty toxic. Know what you're dealing with, before you try to grind your own pigment. Use gloves and a dust mask. Examples include cadmium (yellow) and ferrocyanine (blue, used in those old cyanotype photographs and in blueprints).

[edited to add] None of this means that cheaper types of paint are a bad thing. They're affordable, for a start. They're fine for a lot of work, but they won't generally give as good a final effect as the top-of-the-range stuff will. And if you're a shit painter, even the best materials won't change your turds into saleable art - buy cheap paints, practise until you are no longer a shit painter, then start on the thirty-dollar-a-tube brands and watch your stuff shine.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T03:37:36-08:00

Oh lord. I'm an IT Guy/consultant/computerwallah. After 10+ years in the industry, I can safely say we have more secrets than I think I can tell in one sitting. I'll just post the juicy stuff. I'll do another one later on legit, useful tech trade secrets to make up for it.

*We check out the porn on your system. Totally by reflex, not even thinking about it, every single IT guy in the world has an unconscious routine of popping down the browser history, checking the cookies and temporary internet files, looking at the last few files played on the video player...just in case you have something we haven't seen before.

* This means we have seen ALL the porn in the world. And called the police once or twice over it, depending on whether we thought you were creepy or not.

* We also read your email. All the time. All of it. Even *that* one. Especially if you are a sexually desirable person of the appropriate gender. We're sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

* That mysterious email outage the other day over the weekend that we told you was due to a heroic struggle against a virus infecting the network? Really it was because a consultant was working remotely on your system after having been to the pub, was playing WoW in another window and deleted a critical file while trying to kill an orc.

* That piece of kit in the server room we told you was old and not worth keeping? Wound up in my kit bag/server room/closet of old junk.

* We totally told you with a straight face that the crashes and reboots with your system was due to the humidity causing swelling in the flux capacitor, when really we just took a long lunch and haven't gotten to it yet.

* Out of the four hour visit we spent on site with you, fully two hours of it was taken up with chatting on IM with the other consultants while wearing a look of furious concentration holed up in the server room and not in fact researching issues with the flux capacitor.

* Remote email on your phone just makes it that much easier to work from the pub and be billable while you're doing it.

* We totally just cut and pasted that documentation from something on the Internet and charged you three hours for working on it.

* We really do tend to think you're stupid. It just happens. I'm sure auto mechanics and doctors think the same of us.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T09:15:08-08:00

@Stygmata

* This means we have seen ALL the porn in the world. And called the police once or twice over it, depending on whether we thought you were creepy or not.

* We also read your email. All the time. All of it. Even *that* one. Especially if you are a sexually desirable person of the appropriate gender. We're sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

I had a number of friends who worked for FriendFinder back in the late '90's and the things they saw was the stuff of nightmares.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T09:31:25-08:00

I trained as a historian, and try to make money by writing. So my day job is Document Control Professional (Translated from the corporate-speak: File clerk).

* Metadata is garbage. The more labels you slap on the same file, the harder it gets to find that file.

* That fancy new piece of software we want to buy is just a glossy shell over a piece of shareware from the 1980s. Most of the budget for upgrading, training, and implementation to that new software goes to meetings. Meetings with donuts.

* Filling was always pretty easy. Computerization has not made it faster and easier to find files. But it has made it easier to look at porn at work. Thanks, Bill Gates!

* Metadata is garbage. The more labels you slap on the same file, the harder it gets to find that file.

* Really, I can't stress points one and four enough. Metadata is make-work for the documents department.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T10:14:52-08:00

I write comics (and work in construction, but I have no secrets except yes, sometimes the contractor is banging your bill to the sky. And sometimes not.)

--Storytelling, like a magic trick, is the exchange of information and premises, giving the desired outcome in an unpredictable manner.

--You can have more than one moment in a comic panel, despite what you hear. In fact, the best comic panels crystallize an unfolding action in the same way that a statue of a dancer captures the body at different points in a step. This is especially true for something swift, like multiple Spider-Men doing acrobatics across a rooftop.

My main trade secret is that a very brief one line email to a bunch of journalists asking if they're interested in something will get far more responses than even the most beautifully written and presented press release.

This is very, very true.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T10:15:22-08:00

i have worked in healthcare for 10 years now (god, i just realized that...)so ive also got too much to list, ill try to keep it to the basics

-your doctor/nurse/everyone who reads your chart WILL laugh at you for ridiculous shit. if you are a pain in the ass, they WILL tell other offices/laboratories/medical imaging places etc. you will get more help in general by being a decent human being.

-if you are seeing a doctor for something specific that you have checked your own insurance coverage for, do everything you can to avoid discussing any other issue. it ends up in the medical record, your doctor will bill for it and it can lead to things that dont need to be getting listed in your medical history. its also a good way to get a claim denied and end up with a bill you werent planning for (and rightfully,dont deserve)

-know your insurance! some offices have people like me, that do seriously want to avoid billing a patient for anything, some have people that straight up dont give a fuck and will bill you for whatever they are too lazy to actually do correctly. either way, if you dont know your coverage, theres sometimes nothing either group of people can do. when it really comes down to it, my hands are tied to do much if you dont do your research first.

-95% of doctors really are as big of douchebags as you think they are.

- if you truly believe you are being gouged or charged for something that was not performed, DO NOT PAY IT. you have rights as a patient/insurance customer. if your insurance is the one dicking you, work with your doctors office. if your doctors office is trying to screw you, work with the insurance company. neither side wants to help the other get away with screwing over their mutual customer (you), so they should help.

-if you dont have insurance, always check with your state medicaid department! the coverage isnt the best, but you cant be billed for any disputes/denials etc once you are on one of those programs. also, dont be ashamed/embarrassed to do so- you have been paying for that shit with years of taxes anyway. thats what its for!

i cant think of other general "inside" info, but if anybody has questions, feel free to fire away.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T11:27:27-08:00

95% of doctors really are as big of douchebags as you think they are

Seriously. I worked for Kaiser-Permanente in their in-bound patient call center and the level of entitlement some of Kaiser's doctors had was fucking outrageous.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T11:28:42-08:00

Some tips i garnered from my previous job if you are going into Social Care/ Working with street people in london...

- always bring the following items with you. Plastic rain cheater, small notebook, latex gloves, Hydro alcoholic antiseptic gel, Cigarettes, 2 tins of Nourishment. Rape Alarm (we were not allowed to take pepper spray). Oh and some vicks vapo rub.

- Best places to find rough sleepers. Car parks, anywhere near a Canal, alleyways with heater vents.

- If you bump into a beggar who is asking for money "so they can get into a hostel for the night" it will most certainly be untrue. All homeless hostels in London work by referral from a certified agency so you can't just walk in and get a place. Even if they were to get into a hostel, they are asked to pay a surcharge by putting a claim for housing benefit. There are only 2 charity hostels i know of in London, and they don't ask for money. Nearly all begging is to supplement booze and alcohol intake.

- If you are homeless, ALWAYS have some form of ID with you. It will make your access to services so much easier. Ideally make it a birth certificate as you will be robbed for a passport.

- As above, even if you are homeless, you can still claim benefits (mainly job seekers allowance, a lot can claim invalidity benefit due to diseases they've picked up on the street). All you do is put your nearest post office as your place of residence.

- Drinkers are the worst in terms of self harm, personal hygiene and violence. Even a violent person who has been on crack for 3 days can be talked down from a confrontation. Drinkers will just want to fight you.

- There is a hierarchy with the street population. Basically the drinkers look upon the drug users as rapists and prostitutes, while drug users often look upon drinkers as easy prey for their benefit money.

- Get your first vomit in the first week of the job. You will be shown some nauseating sights, most of them faeces and infection based.

If you have any queries about working with street people, i can give some lovely gruesome answers

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T12:44:11-08:00

For whatever reason, I've worked at movie theatres for almost 10 years. Some secrets, some bitching:

-Asking for "fresh" popcorn makes you a douchebag. If you're at a theatre with a popper in the concession stand, you're getting the freshest possible popcorn, even if it's in a warmer, not the popper. The poppers don't have shit for heaters on them so the warmers make the popcorn taste better anyway.

-If you are at a concession stand without a visible popper, chances are the popcorn is popped on a different floor then bagged and set out on racks for a few days (unless it's busy, in which case, probably only one day,) until they need more in the stand.

-"Where are the bathrooms?" Is the absolute number one question in the movie theatre industry. Look for a sign, there are usually a lot of them.

-Fake butter=Canola oil, Real butter=Butterfat(99% pure butter which is also pure fat.)

-The concession mark-up is extravagant(really extravagant) but we barely make any money off of ticket sales.

-I clean up more puke at the theatre in one month than the year and a half I worked at a bar.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T13:26:05-08:00

I thought the real trade secret of healthcare was that modern medicine is a gigantic hoax and people really get better because doctors sacrifice chickens to the Loa. If you don;t get better, either your Doctor doesn't like you or they're cutting corners by using inferior poultry.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T14:07:51-08:00

I consign out and then return what's left over of book fairs. The advice I have is to load everything into the van yourself. This is because these things are organized and executed by soccer moms and the like. You know that box that you wrote "FRAGILE! DO NOT STACK!" on? I hope you weren't terribly attached to it, because it just got a 50lb box of Stephanie Meyer books dropped on it.

...Which brings me to the second thing. Make a shelf just for vampire books in the stockroom. Keeping them all in one spot means that you don't have to figure out how to fit ten cubic feet of Stephanie Meyer books in an already overtaxed teen fiction shelf. Jesus, those bastards are big. As a side note, you are going to learn to hate Stephanie Meyer, bitterly.

Finally, the last fair of the season gets the dregs. Sorry, guys. Usually we compile a list that's considerate of what school the fair is at, but the last one basically involves sweeping all the books off the mostly-empty shelves and consigning them.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T14:24:47-08:00

I work for the government.

Your tax money? Totally getting wasted.

Yeah, I know: NOT A SECRET DOOD, but I'm just saying.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:07:01-08:00

The only valuable thing I've ever learned from the world of work:

Local government workers (ie The Council) actually do care about the banal things that you phone up to complain about - probably even more than you do, and certainly more than they should care - but they just really hate having to talk to irate members of the public.

Not really a secret but wholly true & worth remembering.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:19:09-08:00

Bunch of years of security at bars and clubs.
- Good bouncers are capable of violence but avoid it if they can. You've got to earn an ass whupping.
- It's a tiny field, and your reputation is your resume. Unfortunately, everyone also gossips like little girls, so that rep may change over night.
- Case in point: for a solid year I was referred to as "The Hawthorne Strangler." Don't ask.
- The bouncer world is generally divided into solid guys, meatheads, and psychos. Meatheads like psychos because they can point them like guns, the solid cats like meatheads for the same reason.
- It's really not nearly as Alpha male as you'd think.
- Drunks are the most useless creatures on god's green earth. Don't get me wrong, I like the liquor, but when I'm hammered I'm barely a functional creature. You think you're some Behan-ian superdrinker? You're not.
- I second that drunks being violent psychos. I've rolled on the ground with a tweaked out bum, and afterward sat him down and explained why things went like that. The only person I ever really hurt was just so drunk he didn't feel his shoulder pop out of joint. I trust coke heads over drunks.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:25:06-08:00

I worked for politicians for several years as a policy adviser.

1. Most politicians are neither stupid nor crooks.

2. Media reports of behind-the-scenes political events are almost universally laughable incorrect. (As in, two politicians who've literally come to blows will be described as close friends. The passage of a Bill that was opposed bitterly by a politician will be reported as a triumph for him/her.)

3. Most senior public servants ARE stupid, crooks or both.

4. Changes of government have virtually no effect on the policies actually implemented.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:43:17-08:00

Computer industry and electronics industry trade shows are the most boring, tedious events you can imagine. Press coverage that makes them seem like fun-filled geek gatherings are utterly wrongheaded.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:46:18-08:00

* Metadata is garbage. The more labels you slap on the same file, the harder it gets to find that file.

FUCKING. A.

I use Access and Lightroom plus a paper filing system of my own design. When other people start adding tags and notes and shit...no. Just. No.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T16:49:33-08:00

- If you bump into a beggar who is asking for money "so they can get into a hostel for the night" it will most certainly be untrue. All homeless hostels in London work by referral from a certified agency so you can't just walk in and get a place. Even if they were to get into a hostel, they are asked to pay a surcharge by putting a claim for housing benefit. There are only 2 charity hostels i know of in London, and they don't ask for money. Nearly all begging is to supplement booze and alcohol intake.

I'm usually more inclined to give a guy money if he says it's for booze.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T17:05:40-08:00

@mybrainhurts, I have to agree, somebody who says they only need another quid to get drunk is far more likely to get it from me than a tit who shows up outside the bus station twice a week for three months telling you that 'last night he was kicked out by his girlfriend boo hoo' and he just needs ten pence for bus money.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T19:17:45-08:00

I work in tech support.

We always assume you're lying to us when we ask you if you did something, because you usually are. Did you plug your ethernet cable directly from the modem to the computer, bypassing the router? You did? Then why are you pulling a 192 IP? Oh, you forgot? Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Don't try to bullshit tech support, it wastes everyone's time.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T19:57:36-08:00

I've had so many jobs I can give a good bit of insiders advice :p
Theme parks in Orlando:
Univ*rsal hires mainly little pricks with IQ's in the low digits. If there's urine in the seat more than likely they've sent it through the ride a couple times to dry it off, yeah that wasn't a drop of rain.
The Mous* will do anything to make you happy. We were allowed to give almost anything away, and I did. If someone looked like they were having a bad day they probably walked out with something (popcorn, other foods, items from the gift shop). The happiest employees are in the front of the park, Liberty square, and Pirates. I don't know why but that was my experience. TomorrowLand people were just mean.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T20:02:13-08:00

Graphic Designer.
My trade secret? All the things I learned for my degree are now obsolete. Skip it and learn Flash.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T20:19:56-08:00

@diello
Right on.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T20:33:21-08:00

The classier the restaurant seems, the dirtier is really is - when people are busy folding napkins into swans and retrieving your jacket from the back room, they have less time to re-wash the stained plates or mop the floor.

Oh, and - yes, the staff really will fuck with your food if you're an asshole.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T22:24:46-08:00

If you work in an office that has potted plants, and one day they are gone, and when you ask why you are told they were getting to be too expensive to maintain, you should at that point begin looking for another job. Do not wait.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-06T23:15:27-08:00

Worked at the Dept. of Taxation in Nevada (where people apply for LLC/business licenses, etc.), and we were so backed up that often times we would be processing applications from 2 years prior, and then slamming those people with all of the tax for the intervening time. Also, all of the training to do the job was completely useless and the laws and practices are so insane and pointless, anyway, that I guarantee you that the person processing your business license has only a very basic understanding of what they're doing.

Worked at Hollywood Video for 5+ years:

Every time a customer swears up and down that they returned a movie, they didn't. It is either sitting under the seat of their car or is behind their entertainment center or is at another video store location.

Lots of movies from other stores will end up sitting in a drawer forever, never claimed by the people who returned them there or by the other stores themselves. Since it is a pain in the ass to do the "nice thing" and drive all over the place every week to return movies that you don't give a shit if they're late or not, for the most part it doesn't happen. Anyway, returning movies that don't belong to you can lead to problems for video store clerks, anyway, because then the people who get late fees from not returning their videos to the correct place bitch that they didn't return the movie late, or that it is not their fault that they couldn't be bothered to return it to the right place.

While cash refunds are technically not "allowed", the computer doesn't stop you from doing them, and so MANY of the movies that end up unclaimed, I just refunded as if they were returns for the full price (of a used copy, although sometimes people would return personal movies, which I would repackage as "new"...), between $5 and $15 each, usually, sometimes getting a total of $200 in my pocket (every month or so...).

I got fired for doing that, and now can't get jobs at places that use that same background check company (Target, Blockbuster...), but they couldn't do anything to me (criminal charges or making me pay a fine or whatever, even though they tried) because I was not "stealing", but simply trading out "my" movies for cash instead of credit.

The current DVD case locks at Hollywood Video are disabled by a strong magnet, and if you check, quite a few of them aren't even locked all the way, either because they are broken or because new employees typically can't grasp the concept of how they work.

If you buy a NEW DVD from there and then take it home and remove the disc and shrinkwrap it back up (put it in plastic, a candle will seal the seam shut, then blowdry it, but not too hot or it will get holes in it...), no one will ever know the difference, as most of the new discs will never be bought, anyway (they just keep getting sent around from store to store for various promotions and holidays...).

Also, we always ate free candy and drank free sodas from there. 2 free sodas a day for 5 years? Thanks Hollywood!

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T00:21:05-08:00

+Non slip shoes they have you buy in some food service jobs are a joke. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen on my ass in them.

+

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T00:46:42-08:00

"Transient network latency" is a good functional resolution to many an end user's unreproducible web application errors.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T01:13:56-08:00

Spent about six days working for an amusement ride company — the kind that sets up ferris wheels and shit at State Fairs. Operated a ride. Miserable job.

Every day before opening, I'd ask a different manager which of the bolts on the machine I was supposed to be greasing.

And every day, every manager pointed out a number of bolts I didn't know existed, and which the other managers clearly didn't know about either.

By the end of the few days I worked there, my machine was making hideous metal-on-metal noises. Part of why I quit was that I was honestly worried about the safety of the ride.

Spent nine summers working State Fairs. One of the most instructive things I learned was that the people who couldn't pass the piss test to get a job working at the rides... would go get a job at fair security, where there *was* no drug testing. No, we didn't exactly feel safe there, and we've had a *lot* of problems with the security guards over the years.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T01:23:35-08:00

When the guy behind the counter at your comic shop tells you they can't order something, it usually means "I don't trust you to pay for this when it comes in."

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T01:39:25-08:00

Those stacks of boxes with the name of your book fair written on them, on the dollies, right where we told you to pick them up? Those are for your fair. Feel free to take them to the freight elevator.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T02:15:55-08:00

I'm a signwriter. If your sign has a number of small air-bubbles under the film and I tell you those will drift out of their own accord over a few days due to thermal expansion, I'm just getting you off my back so I can go back to the workshop and NOT spend the next half hour carefully pricking each one of the bastard things. I have no idea if they actually do sort themselves out, but I rarely get a callback so maybe it DOES happen. I don't know.

The old-skool paintbrush signwriters are all problem drinkers. They hide alcohol in various strategic stashes around the workshop. First thing in the morning you'll see them pick up their brush and mahl stick, move their shaking hand toward the signboard, stop, put everything down and disappear behind the signpanel shelves for a few minutes, then come back with hands as steady as a rock.

If you call up and ask "How much does it cost to get a sign made?", My answer will immediately be "$35,000." When you then angrily ask why this is, I'll say "Well, if you're looking for something actually specific, it'll almost certainly be substantially cheaper." How can I tell you how much it is if you don't tell me what you want to buy?

Wide format digital printing uses solvent-based inks. These take a minimum of 24 hours for the solvents to evaporate out. MINIMUM. Do not press me to have it done quicker. Your sign will bubble up like Tetsuo before long if I laminate it too early. Yelling at me doesn't change this.

If you are opening a new retail outlet or similar for the first time, FOR FUCK SAKE YOU NEED SIGNS! Please GOD have this revelation as early as possible. More often than not I get the call to arrange a full shopfront branding in about a 6-day timeframe. Two weeks is a more realistic scale, even that can be a stretch.

I do have other customers. I don't spend my time waiting for YOU to throw me some business so I can devote myself wholly to it 24 hours a day till its done. All signs are custom made. There are no stock parts. Making them takes time.

Whew. That was more of a lengthy rant than an industry expose... Its no secret that signmakers hate their clients.

P.S. - No, its not spelled wrong. No, it is actually straight. YES, I was on the piss last night.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T02:24:13-08:00

As a student, worked for five weeks over a summer loading delivery trucks for a parcel company.

- The people who load delivery trucks are, for the most part, either idiots or actively malicious. They don't give a shit about the state of your parcel, they get paid minimum wage to put boxes in heaps. That's it. If there isn't a manager looking, they don't care. This extends to using long, narrow parcels in mock-swordfights, and drop-kicking small packages marked "FRAGILE" from one end of the truck to the other.

- Playing Tetris does make it easier to load trucks neatly.

Also used to work for a company subcontracted to upgrade staff computers for a bigger company - transferring data across from the old machine to the new one. I was in the booking office rather than tech.

- The most dangerous thing in the corporate world is numbers in the hands of a manager. Even if they have no concept of what the numbers mean, even if they have no idea what influences those numbers, they will lean on the lower-level workers to Make Them Bigger, even if this is effectively impossible - i.e.: book in more people for machine upgrades even though the upgrade budget is set by the client company, not us. This leads to much frustration and resentment.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T02:35:30-08:00

Hmmm. Having worked at a number of retail joints, cafes, and other assorted crap jobs, all I can really say is this:

- treat your employees right. the less you respect/trust your employees (treat them with racism/sexism/etc), the more they will steal from you. You cannot stop me from stealing from you, not with your cameras, or alarms that go off when the register is open too long, or preventing the register from opening unless there's a transaction, or whatever high tech means you invent (I'm looking at you Starbucks and Web2Zone). I can count in my heads at speeds never thought imaginable. I can steal more money a day than I'll make after taxes all week long. The only thing keeping me from scheming is my own morality and feeling of guilt. use them against me, because I'm poor.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T03:51:19-08:00

i used to x-ray the mail at a certain airport in england - so...

don't even try to stick that sub machine gun in the box of car parts and posting them. the royal mail x-ray scanners can see what you did and the nice men with flashing lights on their cars will be seeing your addressee soon.

don't write 'danger - bomb inside' on that box you posted thinking it's hysterical when your friend receives it. the police will be seeing you shortly. and they will press charges.

we can see everything you post no matter how you wrap it up.

we are all laughing at that latex fist and lube you ordered.

wrap up your fragile items thoroughly or, even better, deliver them in person, as it's frightening to watch full sacks and boxes being hurled into containers and the like.

don't try to send guns in their component parts as we can see them.

the uk mail service is the most paranoid with regard to security and items being x-rayed either coming into the uk or leaving, which is more than can be said for other larger former british colonies.

wash your hands after handling semtex.

don't post bleach, solvents or similar. it's just stupid.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T03:56:57-08:00

Computer games design:

-A good computer games designer has the capacity to advocate an idea even if they think something else works better, have the discussion, by all means but when it's over you better get on board and make sure it happens, do this a bit and you'll get far more sway in the next discussion.

-Talk to people, leave your desk, take an interest in things you don't understand.

-Being a bully does not make you a good advocate.

-Write short, clear documents. Pictures are good, examples are good, follow up in person, check it's understood.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T06:08:01-08:00

The only valuable thing I've ever learned from the world of work:

Local government workers (ie The Council) actually do care about the banal things that you phone up to complain about - probably even more than you do, and certainly more than they should care - but they just really hate having to talk to irate members of the public.

Not really a secret but wholly true & worth remembering

Amen to that!

I work in school personnel for local government.

-The world of teaching is amazingly cutthroat. Accusations of bullying between colleagues, whispering campaigns, and states of high paranoia are pretty common. The stories that make the press are the ones of teachers being falsely accused of something innapropriate by their pupils, but if I were a teacher it'd be my colleagues I'd watch out for.

-A surprisingly high number of applicants for jobs in schools will have something come up on their police check. Most of the time it's a minor misdamenour like petty theft.

-As for payroll - if you've ever had your paycheck screwed up by an administartive error, you might have wondered how such a big deduction or overpayment of wages could go unnoticed. It's really easy - a matter of one keystroke in the wrong place, often.

-

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T06:37:38-08:00

Some carpentry and general construction secrets:

Yes, we can probably do it for cheaper, but if you're a prick we'll charge you full.

Offering a drink is never a bad idea, especically between 11am and 3pm when it's hottest.

If you're hiring a plumber, don't expect him to landscape, don't think you can get a plasterer to put down tiles, etc. Except a Carpenter, we know everyone and can get someone to do it for cheap, scratch our back and we'll scratch yours.

When you change your mind, that's fine, we're happy to do what you want. Just don't be suprised if the price changes because a new awning got turned into a veranda.

Don't haggle over work after it's been done, if you want to argue that it's our fault the bathroom flooded when we did what you explicitly asked for, we don't care, we'll just walk away.

Oh, and finally, to hell with you for giving us a check on Friday. We will leave early to run down to the bank to try and cash it before you 'forget' and take out the money you owe us so it bounces and we spend a month trying to catch you up. If you think burning a restaurant is bad, try burning the people who build your home. It's all fun and games until a supporting beam shatters and traps little billy.

Of course, this is all coming from an Australian perspective, so don't be suprised if it's completely different and wrong for you antipodeans.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T07:02:57-08:00

Having worked customer service for a major long distance company in the US for four years here goes a couple bits of advice.

We quoted 7 to 10 business days to receive your bill. Your bill is due 21 days after it is issued. Your payment can take 7 to 10 business days for us to process it once we have received it. So, after that, you will pretty much have a late fee on each and every bill if you pay by mail. Be smart, pay online. Be smarter and do not sign up for automatic billing as we will eventually screw up your bill.

Do not threaten customer service with anything other than getting a lawyer. We will report you to the police. We are required to.

If you complain often enough and long enough about a bill we will eventually give you credit. either because you deserve it or because you got someone that does not want to listen to your crap.

If you are crazy, please keep the crazy at home and do not send us letters stating stuff like we are controlling your mind or that you work for the CIA. These are entertaining but a waste of time as we are required to read them.

Old people, do not try to pay your bill in postage stamps. This is not a viable currency. And also, please do not tape pennies to your bill.

If you have a fetish of one type or another please go see a prostitute. We do not have time for you. We are actually trying to help people.

We do not own your telephone lines for local service. We rent them from the company that owns them. When we file a request for repair and the service person does not show up, it is not our fault. We can only file another request for you.

Taxes and surcharges are silly. It is the companies way of getting more money out of you while making you think you are getting 5 cents a minute long distance.

Never be afraid to ask for a supervisor. The supervisors are usually afraid to get on the phone so if you insist then more than likely you will get your account credited.

If you have an old bill on your credit history do not wait to talk to us until the day before you are getting a $500,000 loan. We can correct your credit history if the bill is incorrect we just can't do it fast.

If after you have tried everything else to get credit you can complain to the FCC. They will then send your complaint to a group within the company who pretty much has free reign to give credit. It is cheaper for us to give credit than pay FCC fines. If you live in michigan, always complain to the fcc about your bill.

Your 5 cents a minute plan is probably only viable for 90 days. After that time the company has released their new suite of calling plans and will start to increase your rates. This is usually stated in the small print on your bill. Please read every bill every month for notices like these.

Whew...that was very liberating...thank you...

also, from working at a toothbrush factory for 6 weeks, when you buy a new toothbrush be sure to clean it completely before you use it for the first time. They do fall on the floor and they don't care that they did. I recommend whiskey or vodka.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T09:15:43-08:00

@Cass:

My father was a union painter and a building super for a 30+ unit building with my mom for over 15 year. Never ceased to amaze them when people tried to "float" their rent checks month after month.

"We know where you live you idiot. And we have keys."

At one point a college student, who regularly paid 10-14 days late claiming that "His dad was sending him a check" was shocked to find the locks changed. He kicked down the door and just went about making dinner as if the splintered jamb was always there.

Don't shit where you eat is a fine motto. Maybe in latin it sounds better ("operor non curtus que vos epulor")

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T09:34:10-08:00

On working in Grocery stores:

- A good portion of that "Organic food" you're purchasing at your local, grocery store - and all those organic standards that are posted everywhere - is total bullshit. If the boxes of produce don't come in with conventional food stacked on top - with the chemically-laden ice melting and dripping onto the Organic food, then the people that are prepping it (like the greens and stuff that goes on wet walls) or loading up carts, don't give a real shit and stuff will have fallen on the ground, been co-mingled.

- Of course, this doesn't take away that it's still grown without the chemicals...but it is still grown in shit and uses other things that YOU OUGHT TO WASH OFF!!

- Old ladies have it right, all of the freshest stuff (milk, produce, pastries) are indeed in the back of the shelving...

- Meat and seafood are the nastiest and grossest departments in a grocery store. Deli and Prepared Foods departments are close behind, because a good portion of that beautifully created food is made with the cast-off from the other departments.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T12:28:50-08:00

I've worked in e-commerce for about a decade and could teach a class on the subject, but let's keep things simple and focus on selling from a small to mid-size business perspective:

- Shopping carts don't move money by themselves. You still need a way to get paid for your products/services. This is where a merchant account, payment provider, or reseller comes in. Find one that lets you call and talk to a human being when you have questions.

- You are not Amazon. Your customers don't want to register an account just so they can complete their purchase. Autogenerate customer accounts, if necessary, just don't slow down the transaction process.

- It's much easier to dispute a fraudulent chargeback if you have a tangible product.

- You cannot eliminate risk, but you can manage it and price to compensate for it. Know your market and its associated fraud risk.

- Read and understand all contracts, especially those with your merchant account/payment provider/reseller. There are countless laws and industry regulations that define the nature of these relationships, so don't assume what you know about one company applies to another.

- As a small business, you probably don't want a merchant account. The ease of use, customer service and fraud mitigation provided by an e-commerce provider/reseller/whatever are worth the extra transaction costs. If you do get a merchant account, consider going through an ISO/MSP that provides these extra services.

- If you can get paid via some kind of electronic funds transfer (EFT) to your bank account (ACH in the US, BACS in the UK...), do so. Wire transfers go through multiple banks on their way to their destination and are difficult/slow to track. If your payment provider says they sent your funds and your bank says they didn't receive it, they're both correct. You'll eventually get your money, but yelling won't speed up the process. Getting paid through EFT will.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T12:44:55-08:00

I work in a grocery store.

Every store has vermin. Mice, rats, birds (yes, birds!). Good stores don't have cockroaches.

Milk is disgusting.

Customers are sheep.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T13:24:42-08:00

Chicken factory:

Anything that has fallen on the ground WILL be put back on the line, having been kicked around first.
The pre-packaged cuts covered with strong-tasting sauces and Kievs etc will undoubtedly be the slightly smelly off stuff even at the factory stage.
Chicken drumsticks make excellent cross-factory floor projectiles.
Posh brand chicken passes down the same line and is packed by the same people as the standard brand stuff. I have no idea whether the chicken is actually any different (and I suspect not).

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T14:21:16-08:00

I work at an Opticians teaching people how to insert, take out and look after their contact lenses.

For those of you who wear contacts, we know you lie about how long you really do wear them. The Optom's always add at least another two hours to what you tell them; they can also tell by the state of your eyes.

The amount of people who get fitted for lenses and then go "Oh I don't like touching my eyes" is incredible, they don't make lenses that float into your eyes on their own yet folks ;)

If you are waiting for a teaching session and the person before you is struggling, don't laugh or boast about how easily you'll do it.
Chances are you won't and if your teacher hears you they will make you suffer, you'll be able to get them in and out because we'll keep going until your eyes are red and sore.
Oh and working at an Opticians turns people into sociopaths.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T15:00:47-08:00

i work at a dvd store

yes its alphabetical

no i don't care if its "all in forrin" thats not a good reason for a refund

you need to tell us your name and what you're picking up if you're collecting an order, we don't know or care who you are

yes. it is a busy/tough/shitty day and you asking won't make you seem like a nicer person

fuck off and look yourself you're a grown up, i have fucking work to do, the diplays are there so you can find things yourself

if something is still in the cinema WE WILL NOT HAVE IT FOR YOU TO BUY!!!!

if you are happy and really looked and can't find it, thats cool we'll see what we can do, exclaiming "you can't find anything in this fuckin' place" will simply make me forget to give you your change and receipt and make security stop you.

we can see you steal... you are not subtle

if you buy porn we will laugh and tell our friends

sorry i ranted a bit

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T15:35:27-08:00

For those of you who wear contacts, we know you lie about how long you really do wear them.

You'd have to, considering my six-month packs tend to last a good year and a half.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T16:19:07-08:00

Finally, you see how I have the scanner in my hand? The "return consignments" screen up on the console? The giant stack of books I'm returning? Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd please ask before you shoehorn yourself in front of me, log off the drive that we do consignments on and them log on to a different one to "check something really quick". If you need to do something with the console, just ask me,. I'll clear out and let you do whatever and we can both dispense with the lie that it's going to be "just a second". I'll go get a drink at the gas station or take a piss or something.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T20:50:21-08:00

All this work talk is excellent. Inspired me to share my other, less savory career. Oh, not the porn production, no shame in fuck movies, I mean children's entertainment.

I used to to be a kid's party entertainer. I did a magic/science act. Dry ice, lots of explosions, color changing chemicals, robots. It was meant to be kind of educational, but not boring at all. I made quite serious bank off it too, 200-250 for an hour's performance? I'd do 2-3 a week while in grad school. I did libraries and school visits for up to a grand. I went by the name "Doctor Oddness". Most everyone who knows me now has no idea what I did then. And would be STUNNED, or possibly scared. People who do know always assumed the kids were the hard part. Bullshit. The parents are evil

-They will always try to cheat you out of money. "We said 150 right?" No, we signed this contract, that I have here, for 250. Yesterday.

-Referrals are everything. So in getting your actual pay you have to be polite.

-Get paid before the show but after you set up. If something goes wrong (Billy shits himself, Janey barfs up a lung) they'll blame you even if you had nothing to do with it and stiff you.

-Everyone assumes that a man who works with or near children is a pedophile. I allayed this fear by bringing female friends and girlfriends to assist and making eye contact with an adult with my hands in clear view when the kids would run in for a hug (and they love to hug you, it's kind of cute)

-Parents will offer you beer, weed and even coke.

-Mom's will flirt with you, but they're often just having a laugh. When a dad cruises you...well that was awkward.

-Teenage siblings think it's cool to fuck with your stuff, including trying to steal ipods and chemicals. They will also offer you drugs or try to convince you to get them drugs or beer. DON'T.

-There are territories and communities that certain entertainers work, like a circuit really, and some people get really fucking defensive about it. Somewhat understandable, it is their livelihood, but having a guy leave threatening messages if I ever took a job in Rosemont without "getting his permission" was ridiculous. Most of them are cranks, but I never marked my car with ads or showed up with any costumry showing after being told by another performer that his tires had been slashed.

-Don't eat the food. You can see the mental subtraction the client is doing about your pay.

-Kids will get bored, even if you are fucking amazing. The only kid that matters is the client's kid. Make them happy and you're golden

-Never let the kids see you out of character. I used to show up early and hide out so they never saw me arrive. My "costume" was a custom lab coat, einstein wig and goggles. If I took that all off, slipped on my street clothes I was just another adult.

-Get a really good accountant. The IRS loves nothing more than to audit performers, since we are almost always hiding something.

-The fancier the party, the unhappier the family.

-

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-07T23:25:09-08:00

I don't know if this has been mentioned, but if you own a comic book store, teenage boys in groups of three are generally the best to watch for thievery...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T03:57:04-08:00

@orwellseyes

Amazing. That is all.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T04:34:20-08:00

@orwellseyes - Outstanding. I think America just gets laid bare by encounters where we deal with service. It is in those moments that what passes for class consciousness in America just gets thrown aside and you get these raw moments of just wrangling for your labor vs. their money that purely illustrates the underlying tensions. That was always difficult as hell for me when I was working as an individual consultant, and is one of the reasons I keep working for a company now - I just don't like dealing with the money end of things, and having to personally justify and extract my value in $$$ out of the client while trying to maintain a relationship.

All the contributions are excellent. I'd love to see concierge secrets - either hotel, or the credit card people.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T09:09:19-08:00

Genius. What a great insight to so many jobs. Here's a few nuggets from some of my income sources of the past 20 years:

GRAPHIC DESIGN SECRETS
1. Never show the client a sketch/concept you are not 100% ready to develop, because THAT is the one they will choose, and you will curse yourself through the entire job. The "I should drop in another sketch, this initial client presentation looks a little thin" scenario will screw you every time.

2. I have an hourly rate for my work, but I'm not going to tell you it. I use it to figure out how much honest time I have to charge for, then just give you a lump sum. Pricing does come from actual calculation, but I've always had trouble when I've involved the client too much in how I get my pricing. Most people just like to see one price tag, boom, done.

3. Graphic designers who use terms like "cornflower blue" or "mauve" are idiots. Real designers use real color terminology, and not just Pantone color information. Terms like "orange, to the red side" indicate much more knowledge of color than "fire engine red".

4. Designers who stretch type don't know shit about type. Typefaces are built with specific weights and balances to make them visually even, and able to relate to the type forms around them. Quick test to see if someone is stretching type; check the cross strokes on an upper case E or A or H. If the center cross stroke is wider that the ascending strokes on either side, someone had stretched the font, and you should run away from them, because real designers don't do that. They find condensed versions of a font, or use/custom design a font that is built to serve that purpose.

CARICATURING
1. Asking a caricaturist to not make you look fat or make you look pretty will put thoughts of doing the exact opposite in their brains. Trust that they somewhat have your best interests in mind, especially if you are paying them. I'd rather flatter and get paid than ridicule and get punched.

2. White guys; asking to be made to look like a gangsta rapper, holdin' a 40 and a gun just makes you look like the colossal fucking dork you are.

3. Going the extra distance to make a heavier set/gangly/handicapped teen look awesome in their caricature isn't lying or deceitful, it's showing them that they are more than just their body at that point. I've had hugs and tears with giving a teen at a grad bash party a really good picture of themselves that didn't ignore what their body looked like, but didn't make it the center focus of the image.

4. Babies look all the same. Sorry Mom, your 4 month old looks the same and all the other babies on Earth. I will dress them like you have them dressed, and draw their hair in the way you have it styled that day, but they all look the same, and if I draw them how they really look, you will run away crying.

5. Waiting for the person who is going to pay you for a gig to get drunk is a really good way to have an extra $200 bucks added to the hand written check they make out for you that night.

DEEJAYING
1. When I'm deejaying a wedding and I say to you "I'm sorry, the bride and groom gave me a very specific playlist for this reception", I really mean I don't feel like clearing the dancefloor because you want to hear a Clint Black song.

2. I am working, even when I'm just listening to my headphones. Please don't ask me tech questions during the set. I am trying to figure things out, even if it doesn't look like I am.

3. I've heard of every song you want to request, but I may pretend to not know who 98 Degrees is, if 98 Degrees' song will screw up the groove I have going.

4. Every DJ has a copy of "ABBA Gold: The Greatest Hits" with them, even if they say they don't.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T11:01:10-08:00

4. Every DJ has a copy of "ABBA Gold: The Greatest Hits" with them, even if they say they don't.

This is what we call a TRUE FACT.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T13:46:18-08:00

I work for the cable company, and have a small number of secrets. Nothing too major-

* Can't get online? That's probably because of your router. Not always, of course, but often enough that it's the first thing I go for.

* Setting up your new HDTV? Yeah, you only need the component or HDMI cable to connect the cable box to the tv. The coax cable is not only redundant, it's hurting the video output ability of the cable box. That's where all the HDMI errors on screen are coming from.

* We bill a month in advance, but it's not due until two weeks into the billing cycle. No, this isn't unfair.

* No, we are not a monopoly. We may be the only providers of television services that use a physical cable connection from the outside world, but there are many, many ways of getting access to hundreds of channels.

* 8 Megabits per second is pretty zippy (for the US), but most people can get by just fine on 768 kilobits per second. A little e-mail and some light web-browsing doesn't take that much bandwidth. If someone is looking for a break in the price then the $20-$25 difference in monthly rate between the two services makes it the first thing I'll suggest, and if they don't tell me how they really use the internet that's not my problem.

* Always leave good notes on the account. Always.

* Somebody ordered all that porn, and we can tell if it was watched. Just because it was ordered at 7AM doesn't make it unlikely that your 15-year-old son didn't watch it.

* Just because I can see a problem and know what the solution is doesn't mean I can fix it.

* I have zero control over the available time for a service call. If this is what we have, this is what we have. Yes, it's inconvenient, but service calls can take anywhere from no time at all to just shy of forever, so our scheduling has to be a bit vague.

* Friday and Saturday nights are an endless parade of "My video on demand doesn't work!". The first thing to check is the bill, because when it tops $400 or is running two months late the VOD services go away. Of course, it could also be a missing code, weak signal strength, or the box just needs a quick reboot. VOD sucks.

* Finally, and most importantly, some phone personnel care about fixing problems and others are in it for the sales. Personally, I like solving problems, but the fat paychecks come from sales so that's what most people aim for. Good luck getting the right person when you call.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T16:35:46-08:00

Speaking for video game testers everywhere:

- We found the bug that you found - it was just deemed not important enough to fix.

- Likewise, we knew that the last boss fight was no fun, but it either wasn't worth fixing or no one listened to us.

- We don't play games for a living. We try to run through every wall in the game. It's not particularly glamorous.

- With that said, some of us get very, very good at the games we're testing. The high scores that come with most games are possible - you just need to spend eight hours a day working at it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-08T17:24:33-08:00

If your a retail salesman (especially and have the option, always have free candy, toys, comics, dog treats and other little gift items behind the counter. People actually remember that and bring their kids back again...plus it adds a perk to your day when you can give a treat to a kid who's parents were too cheap to actually buy him anything...

We KNOW the story to your favorite book we sold you...you don't have to tell us...we've heard it...many times...

Oh, and if you own a comic book store...hire cute geek girls to run the counter. You sell a lot more that way. Seriously... :P

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T05:51:16-08:00

"When in doubt, black it out."

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T09:45:04-08:00

From 7 months of working in retail for a certain fruit-centric computer company:

- Regardless of whether it is a product you bought from our store, if it doesn't have a receipt and no packaging, and you tell us you bought it in a completely different state, there is NO WAY we're going to return it. Being an asshole doesn't make us want to help you, either.

-Patience is a virtue. Being that ass who comes in right before store closing to shop around is not.

- Sundays are the worst days to do shopping for electronics or computers, and Saturdays the second worst. Do it during the week; we've got nothing to do and we'll give you more quality personal attention. Also, there's a lower rate of mental breakdown.

-Just because we have internet access does NOT mean you get to go looking at girl-on-goat porn in the store.

- Yes, we can help you. It's kind of what we're here for.

-Yes, that computer does "come with the internet". But if you're asking that question, and under the age of 50, I'm obligated to ask a complimentary question - does your head come with a brain, or is that optional?

-No, you cannot have a frankenstein laptop, made up of one's guts and the other's case. It doesn't work that way.

-The manufacturer parts warranty doesn't cover being a dumbass. Ditto on drinking and typing.

-You clearly don't understand our policy on price matching. We don't do it.

-Asking us to fix your hard-drive mp3 player and calling it a piece of crap, after you admit to taking it jogging, dropping it a shitload of times, and abusing the bejeesus out of it, does not ingratiate you to us. Especially when you bring your brother, and your entire family to pick a fight. If we lose your business, good riddance.

-Don't come in looking to pick a fight, ever.

-That said, the most useful thing you can do in a tough situation is to try and get a manager involved. They put up with a lot of dicks, but if you're nice, they'll bend some rules.

-Please, if you're under the age of 18, don't take risque pictures with the digital cameras. It's never cute.

-We will kick you out if you're checking your myspace account repeatedly.

-Why a parent lets a 12-year old have a myspace account, I will never know.

-Haggling doesn't work. But if you've got a hot niece who's incredibly flexible, I might be persuaded to part with my employee discount.

-The holidays are hell on earth.

-Stop asking about sales. [fruit-based electronics company] has not, in the years and years since I've bought things and been aware of them / started with their products, never offered a sale, coupons, et cetera. It just doesn't happen.

-Only buy the extended warranty. Don't be sold on the other extras. They're mostly useless things that any rube would love, but any computer-savvy individual would realize they could get for free, and not have to pay money for.

-Yes, that was Stephen Baldwin.

-if you're buying a certain cellular device of marked popularity, get the warranty. Why? it covers the battery, which, due to major effed up design, can only be replaced by replacing the unit itself. $60 now means you don't have to shell out a few hundred later, and trust me, the batteries go quicker than you'd think.

-and lastly, if you're asking about new products, we aren't allowed to say anything. Funny enough, you most likely know more about it than we do, because the last goddamn thing we want to do is go home and look up spy pictures of new company gadgets.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T10:30:29-08:00

It's easier to play too much than it is to play too little. (aka. "Make it talk, son, make it talk... Ok, now make it shut up.")

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T11:29:38-08:00

@POOKA
Oh, and if you own a comic book store...hire cute geek girls to run the counter. You sell a lot more that way. Seriously... :P

My girlfriend applied for a gig at a seemingly very decent comic shop (not a nerd lair constructed mainly out of Babylon 5 dolls) and the bulk of the interview consisted of the other employees leering at her and being stunned, STUNNED, that she read comics.
"Does your boyfriend read comics?"
"Uh...yes"
"So you read what he gives you?"
"No.I get my own stuff." and proceeded to rattle of creators she liked, runs she'd enjoyed and such.

She didn't get the gig, they hired some chatty fat bastard who smelled like corn nuts. They're loss, she's a cute workaholic bibliophile. And she's cute in an objective sense. I have graphs.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T11:44:54-08:00

For retail I will add:

- The logo on the t-shirt, and the way I'm carrying a large stack of books? That means I work here.

- 'Info Desk' means it is *not a till*.

- If it's so much cheaper online, why are you here?

- Do not walk into a charity bookshop and get mad because the latest release is 80% off and therefore cheaper at the supermarket.

- If I am repeating this, well that's all good: the kids' department is not a creche, and, for the love of fuck, do not leave them there while you do your own shopping.

Some personal things:

- This is mainly addressed at the guy who came in last week: If you are going shopping, and you have a feeling you might need to ask some fairly detailed questions and therefore stand really far too close to me for a good ten minutes, HAVE A SHOWER FIRST. I might not pass out.

- This is exclusively addressed to the guy from last summer: Do not, under any circumstances, pull out a handful of change that has your nail clippers sticking out of it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T11:51:06-08:00

I'm a video game coder, specialising in game AI these days, so:

-Video game AI has nothing in common with academic AI. Hardly any games can spare the CPU time to do genuine intelligent behaviour.

-Our goal isn't to make the opponents in a game intelligent. It's to make them not stupid. As long as they're not doing stuff like walking into walls or killing each other to get to you, the player will assume that every random thing that's happening is actually really clever AI coding.

-Most of the time in a game when you hear some enemy yelling stuff like 'flank him!' and 'moving up!', they're not actually doing that. 'Calling your attacks' is now one of the oldest tricks in the book (thank you Halflife).

-That shooter you love? Where an enemy shoots and it just misses you, but the shot is in front so you can tell where it came from, and then you like totally spun round and kicked his ass? That's deliberate. Cause it makes the game fun.

-And to follow on from the tester guy: We totally know about that bug too, but we've been told that only things that crash the game get fixed from date X. We will be fired for not obeying this.

And some general games industry ones:

-We don't play games all day. Even test don't. They play the same game all day every day for 2 years or more. I honestly don't know how they do it, it would drive me insane.

-We don't accept unsolicited game design ideas. We don't care if you have this great new idea for a game that you want us to make for you and then split the profits. Ideas are easy, everyone working at a games company has dozens of them, it's all in the execution.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T12:03:57-08:00

"We don't play games all day. Even test don't."

Similarly "It must be great to get paid to sit around all day reading comics." is not a good way to apply for a job.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T12:14:10-08:00

On Professional Services Software Development:

- NOBODY in web software development bug tests. There's a reason all web services are forever in beta. It's cheaper to use the customers as testers.

- 90% of what you learned in college will be obsolete by the time you graduate. Focus on Algorithms and Data Structures. Java libraries are always changing but stacks are forever.

- Before starting work on a project, everything had better be in writing. and I mean EVERYTHING. Signoff dates, delivery dates, prices charged and a detailed list of the work to be done. The last is very important. Customers will always tack on additional work halfway through the project and still expect you to deliver on time.

- There are two types of project managers: those who negotiate realistic timelines and those you want to beat to death with a shoe. Most of them will be in the second category.

- Create abstract code that you can re-use from one project to the next. Nothing's more boring than having to write the same 200 lines into every project.

- If your team is pulling 12 hour days during the final two weeks of development, for god's sake, buy them dinner. If your team is pulling 12 hour days for over a month, your turnover is about to skyrocket.

- There are days where you will do nothing but stare at your monitor and copy and past code randomly in an effort to look busy.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T12:36:40-08:00

I've had the fucking ~~misery~~joy to work for a number of call centers.

In-bound Patient Call-Center for an HMO in California (the one that likes Thriving a whole lot):
-If your doctor is out of town, and you're insisting on talking on to him/her, you're fucked. No, we aren't told where they are going, no, we don't have any contact information for them, and, no, we have no way of getting a message to them; generally the only info we have is that they aren't working and for how long. At best what we can do is send a message to their nursing team and maybe they can get it to them in the event it is, actually, super important. Most likely it'll wait until they get back b/c doctors are people too and need some fucking down time.

-That being said, 90% of doctors, when acting as patients, are dicks. All of the doctors working for said HMO know the call center rules but try to get around them because they're "a doctor" while we're just answering phones all day.

-We know that you're sick and, believe me, most of us working in the call center sympathize (except for a few people who only continue to live out of habit); we've been there. It's easy to get frustrated when you've got a shit doctor who doesn't return messages or it's hard to get an appointment at the height of flu season but keep in mind that we're not at fault for any of that and we're more likely to help you if you remain calm and polite, even if you're angry or frustrated.

-If you call up and say any of the emergency symptoms (chest pain, numbness down the left side of the body, shortness of breath, suicidal, etc.) we're going to put you through to a nurse even if you don't want us to. Do not try to say, "Oh, it's going away now." The calls are recorded and if we don't put you through we get fired: period.

-Do not call up for your ex's information. First of all, there's this thing called HIPAA where anyone wanting to keep their job knows that we can't share any patient's information with someone else without their explicit permission. Getting your new boyfriend to pretend like he's your ex (and, please, your husband "forgot" his own address?) just makes you a double plus douchebag.

-Put the baby down. Sweet Jesus, if Snookums doesn't feel good I can understand you wanting to hold it but I can't hear you on the phone over their wailing. Your baby will not explode if you put them down, you can even stand and watch over them while talking to me if you're nervous, but for the love of God at least put the phone on the opposite ear.

-If you call me, stop fucking eating. It's disgusting hearing you chew.

-Women, when you are calling a call center like mine and you get a man, all we're doing is getting some basic information by reading scripted questions. Being embarassed about personal medical issues is one thing but telling me, "It's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand." in some waspish voice is completely ridiculous; a woman's going to ask you the same questions.

-Men, same goes for you. And don't be an asshole. If you tell me that you called back because you got a woman the first time and "well, women just don't know what they're doing" I will fuck with you the entire call out of sympathy for my call center sister.

-If you did something embarassing, we will talk about it. Seriously. And as long as we don't identify who you are, we can. So when you tell me you "accidentally" fell on that carrot and now a piece is lodged inside of you (You make salad naked from the waist down? To each their own, I guess.) we will talk about it in the lunch room, believe me.

-Parents, repeat after me: a lack of planning on my part does not constitute an emergency to you. If your child needs a physical before they can attend school, schedule it more than two weeks before the start of school! We know for a fact that schools warn you to give it plenty of time to get an appointment. Do not lie to us.

-Travellers, if you're going to some exotic location and need shots for stuff like malaria or typhoid, make sure you call months in advance. Some shots for these drugs have to be taken at specific intervals with weeks sometimes between them. Not taking them at the appropriate times means you could get very ill. This is for your own good.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T13:28:51-08:00

Some tips I've learned from playing in bands over the years.

Never tell the crowd to "come up to the stage", "move closer", or "get the fuck up here". This will invariably make you look like a dick. People will move closer if they are interested, so just earn the crowds respect and give them something to be interested in.

No matter how good your original music is, you will probably get paid more for playing someone elses music.

Your record contract is not nearly as promising as it looks. Read the fine print. Most of the time you can make a much higher return on your music and merchandise by selling it yourself. What (good) labels do provide is good contacts for booking and promotion and an air of legitimacy. It's up to you if you would rather do the leg work yourself or take a cut in profits.

That Advance you just got from your label must be paid back. It's a loan, not a paycheck. You will not get paid any more until your advance is recouped. If your record sales do not cover the advance you will held accountable for repaying the balance.

Just because you got a huge advance to record does not mean you must use all of it. Record smartly, don't skimp but don't waste time or money needlessly, it's money in your pocket.

Be prepared before you go into the studio. Its never a bad idea to demo all of your songs before you are tracking them on your dime for hundreds or thousands of dollars an hour. Know your parts, arrangements, and what you want to do ahead of time.

Play to the room (size of) and the PA you have. It is generally better to turn your amp down (no matter how painful it may be) and get a good mix in the PA. No matter how much you love feeling your nuts shake, the crowd mostly listens to the vocals.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T14:20:39-08:00

More music guidelines:

- Keep your set short rather than too long. It's a good idea to leave the audience wanting for more.
- Be nice to the staff at the venues. They can make life miserable for you.
- Bring spares. Batteries, cables, strings, underwear. Spares.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T17:16:51-08:00

American tax time is coming up. Hint hint to any tax accountants or Irs employees lurking. Google "anonymous proxy" if needed.

(I'm working on a "Trade Secrets of IT: How to Get Around the Firewall" post real soon now. )

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T18:19:50-08:00

From my days as a PC and network tech:

These things are not covered by your warranty:
- Urine or feces anywhere inside a machine. No matter where they came from
- Breakage caused by you or your children. We can tell the difference between a manufacturing defect and damage caused by you throwing your PC down the stairs. Especially when your wife comes to pick it up and tells us you did such a thing.
- Damage caused by heat buildup due to fan failure. Two inches of pet hair or the scum from your smoking habit do clog the fans. Yes the fans are needed. Yes you should've cleaned the computer out.
- Improper installation of components by you. This includes but is not limited to: improper grounding of components (ex: screwing the motherboard directly to the case instead of using spacers), failure to plug the power supply into the correct spot on the motherboard or failure to plug in the fans.

We will look through My Documents to see what you've been up to. We will treat files by these rules:
- Good porn will be copied and shared amongst us.
- Weird or sick porn will make us give you a nickname.
- Improper or illegal porn will result in a call to the police.
- The pictures of aborted fetuses you use for your pro-life newsletter and keep in a nondescript folder will cause us to give your computer back to you and do our damnedest to keep it out of our shop.
- Racist or otherwise offensive files may 'disappear'. Their disappearance may be related to the issue you asked us to look into. Even if we were just fixing the sound card.

Having to clean your computer before we work on it ups the service fee. It goes up more if we have to wear gloves to do so.

Unless we genuinely like you or you've referred a lot of customers our way, we will not waive the minimum service fee.

If we do on-site service and we charge $X point to point and it takes an hour to get there one way and we worked on something for an hour, we're going to charge you $X * 3. No, we did not record the time it took us to eat lunch on the work order.

Asking us to look up prices for half and hour and then telling us you can get it cheaper on eBay will make us hate you. Telling us you got it cheaper on eBay next week will make us try to set you on fire with our minds.

If your internet service was shut off due to a late payment, we cannot turn it back on (we can actually) until the billing software processes payments at the end of the day. These excuses will not work on us:
- I have items that I'm selling on eBay.
- I'm bidding on things on eBay.
- I make my living off of eBay.
- My kid has a report due. Do you remember how libraries work?

If your internet service is shut off every month because you can't pay it and you pay by credit card every month, you should let us put you on autobill. Forcing us to enter your credit card information every month makes us hate you. No your service will not be turned on right away.

If you see us outside of the shop, please _do not_ use this as an opportunity for free tech support. If your question goes "My computer is doing X, can I bring it in?" fine, but anything beyond that is pushing it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T19:03:42-08:00

Some tips from a poor bastard who's worked too much hospitality.

Rule 1: Your Waiter is Bullshitting you. No, seriously. When you ask us to describe the wine you're drinking? We're bullshitting you. When we tell you that you're the best customer we've had? We are bullshitting you. It's what we're paid to do, honestly. The entire point of our job is to convince you to come back and spend more money. Thus, we bullshit.

Rule 2. Thank you for your napkin, with your phone number and the cute message claiming we're hot. We're going out the back to laugh our fucking faces off now, and unless we think you're the hottest thing ever, we're likely to either throw it away... or pin it to the notice board. (Yes, several places I've worked have Number Boards, where those little notes get pinned up for all the staff to be amused by)

Rule 3: Tip us, you bastards. We work ridiculous hours, for one of the worst wages ever. The least you can do is chuck us a couple of bucks. That fake smile we have to wear will probably, for at least an instant, become a real one, depending on the tip. And hell, if you tip well, and do it regularly, we'll probably be willing to go out of our way to do shit for you that we really shouldn't. Like annoying the chefs.

Rule 4: We do not annoy the chefs without damn good reason. As a general rule, they don't like us, we don't like them, and they have the knives. Please don't ask us to.

Rule 5: We don't believe you when you act like an entitlement bitch, and then claim to be in the industry. Everyone who's actually in the industry tends to treat people with a little bit of respect, and not fly off the handle about petty shit like the wrong fucking lettuce in your salad. Also they tip, you stingy bastard.

God. I have a lot of vitriol regarding this. I'm just gonna stop for the moment.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T19:44:43-08:00

If you are going to work in a children-focused book store, you are going to have to deal with a lot of fairy books. Seriously, fairy books out the ass. You will grow to hate the sight of those little winged fuckers. Baby animals will be a close second.

On a slightly more personal note: parents, for the love of God and the future of the human race, pick some intellectually stimulating books out for your kids. No, put that crap back on the shelf. What's the matter with you? Are you actively trying to keep your children stupid? Have you no shame?

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-09T22:42:58-08:00

More music:

Give the touring band your share of the door and they'll return the favor when you play their town and need gas money.

Sell merch. T-shirts, stickers, buttons, patches and hoodies are all great. You can use the proceeds to pay for CD pressing.

You can't choose your fans. If they like your band, like them back. They'll bring friends to your shows, buy your stuff and introduce your music to new fans.

Buy a box of cheap earplugs. You can sell them for $1/pair, but they only cost like $0.20/pair. You can also give them away if you need an icebreaker when hitting on the opening band's girlfriends.

If the venue has a smoke machine and strobe lights, they're going to use them both and there's nothing you can do about it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T00:06:29-08:00

Dog Kennel (since retail has been covered)

You asked for extra play time with your dog? Well your dog is an asshole, he's going straight back in the kennel after the required 30 minutes outside. If your dog is really kickass, then they get to stay out longer. Don't pay for extra playtime.

Don't try to make us feed your dog a Raw Diet in a kennel, unless you: are gone for only a few days, send really fresh meat, give us money for groceries, or use one of the frozen sausage type ones. They go bad! It's not good for anyone if a less than savvy Kennel Tech gives your dog rotten meat. Cleaning up shit all day is one thing, but cleaning up diarrhea is a pain.

We follow your feeding instructions to the letter, know how much you feed your dog. If the dog looks like it is losing weight we'll adjust, but make it easy on everyone and either give us what you use to measure or figure out the actual measurement.

Don't leave really detailed psychological notes about your dog's likes and dislikes. No one pays attention to them.

Your dog hates strangers? Oh good. Now we get to spend a week or so with a dog that attacks the gate every time we walk by.

We do go out of our way to give special attention to dogs that are in lock up for extended periods.

Seriously if your dog has a history of biting tell someone. No one likes being bitten, and we'll take extra precautions to avoid getting fucked by your precious Cujo.
(We had a 200+ lb dog that was basically trained to attack anyone that wasn't his owner that came into his space...)

We wash EVERYTHING, I promise the kennels are far cleaner than you would thing (or the one I worked at). All the runs are washed out every day and we clean the beds every other day (unless they are horribly dirty).
That said... nearly all dogs crap their run at least once, and it might get on them... That's just how it goes.

If you are gone for more than a week try to get a housesitter or take the dog to dog daycare place that lets them play with other dogs. They get stressed being in a kennel especially if they are unused to other dogs.

Get a tour of the facility if you can, try to talk to a Kennel Tech (shit scooper) and if you get a bad vibe, don't take your dog there.

Don't board your cat. They hate it. The majority cower in the corner of their kennel the entire time and go off food.

---I might add my insight on sample taking later, but anyone following me on twitter has seen my tirades about that set of etiquette.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T00:10:22-08:00

god i hate strobe lights when i'm playing

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T00:38:09-08:00

Comic con attendeees: you are having fun, the booth holders are not.

A big con means several days prep work, busting your arse loading and unloading trucks; NOT screaming at the venue tech who put your phone line (needed for credit card transactions) in the next booth over and gave you their triple-phase power supply (needed for their big screen display); assembling the stall; NOT telling con volunteeers wandering around before opening to fuck off when they want to read the stock you're trying to sort and lots of other even less fun stuff.

Think the venue is hot during the con? - The air-conditioning isn't even turned on during bump-in and break-down.

Oh and you've invested thousands of dollars in the con and if you don't get it back you might not make rent this month.

The con itself is four days of hands jabbing at you with money and voices screaming at you trying to be heard over the J-Pop Karaoke contest on one side of you and the wrestling demo on the other.

No, I didn't see that panel with my all-time favorite creator on it, I did however manage to make it to the john on my one and only break of the day before my bladder burst.

As others have said, I smile at you and pray for you brain to explode as you ask if I have any copies of "Teen Tentacle Rape" hidden away. Loudly. With your gut peeking out beneath your sweat-stained multiply-holed Vampirella t-shirt, ignoring the family with the children next to you who HAD BEEN considering letting their five year old buy a Disney comic.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T04:39:35-08:00

@orwellseyes I still think its hard for girls to break into a Geeky-Retail place. Back in my Retail Electronics Outlet days, I had a few dozen run ins with guys who'd rather buy their stuff from a Geek Dude, then a chick with the lipstick.

I work at a Hotel :

* If the price seems good online, book it. The front desk clerk is unlikely to give a rats-ass about how cheap it was online, and charge you whatever the night's rate is.

* The night-clerk cannot fix your rattling heater/airconditioner. Nor can we plug into the matrix and make ourselves magically plumbers. If the toilet is running, close the bathroom door and do your best to deal.

* Please do not be alarmed when your hotel room is nothing like your house.

* I am not a prostitute in addition to my front desk duties.

* If you are rude, smell bad, or abrupt, I will go out of my way to make sure you pay as much for your room as I possibly can. (the inverse works, if you are sweet, nice, or easy-to-please, I will give you discounts because you cut in HALF the time I have to stop playing WoW to check you in.)

* Most of the time, the Front Desk Clerk can't do anything about anything. If there is no manager on duty at that time, simply wait and take whatever your issue is up with him/her.

* If I tell you we are the only chain in town, I'm trying to tell you that you should probably just buck it up and stay here, or go to the next town. (You won't like the other options).

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T06:08:31-08:00

More music pointers for people new to the gig circuit, gleaned from being in a band with musicians vastly superior to myself:

~ People: Bring. Your. Own. Kit. I cannot stress this enough.
First of all, if you can't see the problem with (or don't give a shit about) using a complete stranger's set-up, you are a BAD MUSICIAN. I don't care if you're headlining. If something breaks during soundcheck, that's two whole bands fucked for the night.
If, by some fluke, the vans and cars of everyone you know have suddenly stopped working and you honestly physically cannot get your drums or amps to the venue and need to borrow something, make the effort and call one of the bands your playing with in advance to ask the favour. It's just polite.

~ Headlining a five-band night is not a good idea. Do the maths: if each of the first four bands overrun by five minutes - either by stretching their set or setting up/packing down - you've lost twenty minutes of your slot. And by the time you're on stage, you're only playing to the bar staff. (plus, you'll have to turn up at 1 in the afternoon for a soundcheck, and it's just not worth your time) Three-band nights are clearly the way to go.

~ Be nice to the soundman. Turn up on time for the soundcheck. Say hello, say please, say thank you. The soundguy probably does more work for the venue than you do, knows the staff and the organisers better than you, and he has a long memory.

~ We know you're on stage next, and we're packing down as fast as we can. Blocking the only exit to tell us to hurry up will, in fact, have the exact opposite effect.

~ And when you are told in no uncertain terms not to bring a smoke-machine to the venue, don't act pissy when the one that you've snuck in sets off the fire alarm and evacuates the building for the length of your set. Yes, I'm looking at you, Mystery Jets.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T07:49:54-08:00

I helped my mother run stuff for our neighborhood pool on and off for years. They rent the pool out for private events and charge per attendee. Upper-middle-class people will still try to scam you out of $90. We also did weekly barbecue things, which I helped set up, served the food and occasionally cooked for.

- Yes, we do expect you to pay. We also expect you to pay the full amount that you agreed to.

- Yes, we do know how many people were there. Don't bother lying. Just pay.

- Seriously, give us the fucking check. We need it to keep the pool running. The pool is operating on a skin-of-the-teeth budget with very tight tolerances.

- No, we don't have pizza. Do you see pizza on the menu? Those boxes that look sort of like pizza boxes but have "Garlic Bread" printed on them have garlic bread in them. Stop asking.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T09:39:29-08:00

From working as a soda merchandiser:

-The reason we don't sell a particular brand or flavor in a particular package is because you are literally the only person in the area that wants it. Soda companies work on economy of scale. We can't stock one package of one flavor at one store, waiting just for you. It has to go out to every store and sit there on the shelf til it expires because you're the only one that wanted it and you didn't go to every store to buy every package. Especially bizarro caffeine-free diet flavors.

-A large-format guy (for things like chain grocery stores and Wal-mart) pulls a very large, very heavy pallet, full of soda. You know how heavy that two-liter bottle is? Imagine 400 of them, plus the weight of the pallet, plus the weight of the plastic shells they ship in. This is EXTREMELY HARD TO STOP once it gets moving. Please don't just arbitrarily stop in the middle of an aisle when you know we're behind you. Likewise, don't walk out into an aisle when you can see me coming. I've nearly broken my ankle literally dozens of times because people make eye contact with me, then walk out in front of me anyway. Long story short: over a ton of pop is FUCKING HEAVY.

-Question where the Coke is? Don't ask the Pepsi guy. Question where the Pepsi is? Don't ask the Coke guy. Have a question where something is in Walmart? Ask a Walmart employee. The soda guy knows where his shelf is, where his displays are, and where his coolers are. That's it. The rest of the store is not his concern.

-Please don't get in my way to get something, especially something I just put on the shelf and will continue to fill. I will gladly get something for you if you need it. If you have to ask "I'm sorry, am I in your way?" then you probably are.

-Just because it comes in a can doesn't mean it's made by the same company. Red Bull is not a Coke product. It is not a Pepsi product. Don't just leave it in their section. (This goes for you backroom folk, too.)

-Regular soda is usually good for nine months after production, diet for three, water for two years. Always watch the date on your diet soda, as displays don't usually get rotated as often as they should. And diet breaks down, goes flat, and is generally undrinkable pretty much right when it says on the package. Regular has some leeway.

-The single most annoying thing I have ever heard when pulling a pallet is "Hey, can you just wheel that out to my truck?" I don't know, can you pay a thousand dollars for the product that's on it? Can you load it yourself? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP. Close behind this is "Wow, that looks heavy." Yes, because this grunting and sweating is something I do when I'm carrying balloons.

-I don't set the pricing. Don't complain to me. Prices and ads are worked out months in advance by people significantly higher on the corporate chain than me. The most I can do is tell the salesman that someone bitched that their soda is too expensive.

-If we're out of something on the shelf, it's pretty likely that it's not in the store unless it's something popular. (In the US the biggest sellers are Mt Dew for Pepsi and Diet Coke for Coca-Cola.) Is it some bizarro oddball flavor? Try back tomorrow. I can mention it to the salesman, but I can't guarantee it will be in.

-Don't complain to me that bottled water is just tap water. I know that. We don't just pull it right out of the river and stick it in plastic. But we do filter it, disinfect it (past the treatment it gets from the city's treatment plant), and bottle it in a nice, convenient package. If you don't like it, don't buy it. Someone else does and will, that's why it's on the shelf.

-Priority goes to shelves, then ad displays, then endcaps. If you don't find what you want in any of those three places, it's not in the store. Don't bother asking. Even if the ad is really good and there IS product in the store, it won't get filled until another merchandiser comes in later in the day.

Wow... that got really ranty. Maybe that's why I quit the Big Blue Menace...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T10:03:47-08:00

From working at a county elections/county clerk department:

1. There is no conspiracy. No, really, there isn't. Especially when you're complaining about a conspiracy about a political party whose opposition out-numbers them 3-1 in almost all of the county.

2. We know when you re-register. Really. That field on the registration card that says your previous place you lived? That's so the county can notify your old county that you've re-registered someplace else. So, when you call me asking why you're not elligble to vote anymore and I tell you that's because you re-registered, don't get pissy at me. Additionally, when I ask if you've moved to X county, don't try to bullshit me, especially when your e-mail address' domain name is for a university in X county.

3. Pro-tp: the elections department is in the county building. Guess which other offices are in the county building? It's a short walk down the hall or up the stairs to either the DA's office or the Sherif's so if you have a problem with our department, it'd be best to phone in rather than leaving a threatening note on your registration card, especially when said card has your address, name, and phone number on it. You idiot.

4. Election days are hell. All of us have been in the office from 6 AM or earlier to make sure everything is set up and working on time and we will still be there past midnight to make sure everything gets wrapped up like it should. We will look at you like an asshole if you come in to bother us about something non-critical on such a day.

5. Claiming that you pay my wages b/c you pay taxes just proves what an ignorant jerk you are.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T12:30:10-08:00

@Paul Sizer:
4. Designers who stretch type don't know shit about type.

THANK YOU!

Reading these posts reminded me of others:

When I worked at a bar in various capacities:

-The bar back cannot make you a drink. Only the bartender can do that. Unless we're really dead and the bartender is outside smoking and specifically said it's okay.
-If you order a drink wherein you drop a shot into a pint of something, you are a tool.
-Tip, you idiots! In some cases, we will just stop serving you if you aren't tipping.
-Saying that you'll leave a big tip at the end of the night is bullshit, we know that.
-Everyone who works at a bar is fucking everyone else who works there, or at least trying to. If not, they all hate each other.
-Puking gets you kicked out.
-Fucking with anyone who works there gets you kicked out.
-I don't care if your friend says you're "cool" or "it's okay" You will leave now.
-People who work at bars don't just sit around getting drunk all day, they usually have a few before they get to work, maybe a shot or two while working and once they're closed, sit around getting drunk.
-Yeah, that guy's on coke.
-Yes, I can tell you're on _____________.
-No, I don't know where you can get ________________, narc/fratboy/yuppie.
-Bartenders hate making mojitos.
-Never, never complain about the bartender's music.
-Bands: If you get too drunk, you will be kicked out.
-Bands: No, your underage groupie can't come in, this is a bar.
-Bands: I didn't see your set and I probably wouldn't have liked it anyway.
-The friendliest "bro-types" who chat up the door guy as soon as they come in will always get too drunk and have to be kicked out.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T13:00:25-08:00

-Bartenders hate making mojitos.

Best line I heard from a bartender while holding a mojito aloft.
"Who ordered the fucking salad?"

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T13:44:23-08:00

i love mojitos! i'm a bit sad now :(

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T13:55:22-08:00

i love mojitos! i'm a bit sad now :(

You should be ashamed. Grown-ups don't order mixed drinks. Sexiest woman I know orders her scotch neat.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T13:58:21-08:00

Surely G&T's are exempt from this on a purely medical basis? Malaria is nothing to scoff at, you see.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T14:04:30-08:00

well the wife likes things like that, i drink red wine, good beer and mojitos! yum yum

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T14:19:35-08:00

@Neil Ofsteel

Everyone who works at a bar is fucking everyone else who works there, or at least trying to. If not, they all hate each other.

Truth. Much truth.

No, I don't know where you can get ________________, narc/fratboy/yuppie.

And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. I need those drugs to continue doing this fucking job, and serving assholes like you.

----

And one very important one.

-"The customer is always right" does not apply here. Our motto is "The customer is always an asshole". Generally, you don't prove us wrong.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T14:56:42-08:00

More Bar rules
- If you're running your mouth and no one has made you kiss pavement, trust us, it's not because we're afraid of you. You're just not worth the paperwork.

- Don't touch the bartenders. I don't care how cute she is. We take that personally.

- If you're asked to leave, just go. Don't make an ass of yourself, because we will remember your face.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T17:42:31-08:00

Well, this thread has kinda turned into an anti-work bitch as well as a place for trade secrets. I'll try my best to stick to the latter, but can't make any promises.

Textbook Bookshop Guy

1. I don't set the prices. The publishers set the prices. Either bitching at me directly about how expensive everything is or just talking loudly about it near me will not endear you to me nor gain you any sort of discount.
1.1 Especially when you're on half-decent apprentice wages and you're working towards a career where you get paid a butt-tonne of money. Yes I'm talking to you Electrical Apprentices.
2. However, being either a) an attractive female with a demeanour as nice as her figure, or b) a guy who compliments me on the music I'm playing, or seems like a genuinely cool dude, could very well get you a discount, or some free stationary.
3. No, I don't know anything about the contents of the book. I don't read them because none of them interest me. If you want to know if I have any books about 'blah' then 'blah' better be in the title of the book, 'cause that's all I know.
4. If it's not on the shelf then I don't have it. Can I get it in? Probably, but I'm going to be hesitant to help you unless you fit into either of the categories in #2.
5. I don't know which of the books you are going to need first. You will need to ask the teacher about that sort of thing.
6. If you're taking part in tertiary education, you should really be willing to get on the phone/come into the shop and sort you're own shit out. Getting your Mum to call me, and then being able to hear her relay questions/information to you in the background there will just make me hate you.
7. If you're parents have driven you to the campus just to pay for hundreds of dollars of your textbooks, then I really hope you're going to buy them lunch later or something. At least say thanks you fucking ingrate.

That's about it for now.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T17:51:28-08:00

Various:

- Yes, the cleaners are talking about you. And your toilet habits.

- Museums don't want to increase their attractiveness to new target audiences. Anything past a surprisingly small critical mass of visitors equals damaged exhibits.

- Knowing things about cars is not a requirement for working as a gas station attendant. Turning up after midnight and bitching at them until they give up and actually try to fix your car is not a good idea.

- It's easy to forge an ID. It's getting away with using it for anything serious that's really, really hard.

- Within five minutes of voicing a political opinion to a historian, chances are quite good that he will have mentally sketched out a rough genealogy for it, and remembered why it was abandoned centuries ago for being homicidally stupid. He will then fail not to think less of you.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T18:57:54-08:00

I work as an editor, mainly in television, but occasionally in corp stuff
as for secrets...

television isn't nearly as organized/on schedule as you think it is. The fact anything gets to air on time amazes me, if it is good, its either a freaking miracle or has a killer budget

the good/cheap/fast rules applies across the board. Pick two, only two and don't bitch.

If you use the term fix in in post, I will stop working with you as soon as I possibly can. Odds are, whatever the video is, its crap.

If you offer to hire someone without seeming a demo reel and they accept, they aren't very good/experienced at what they do (nor are you)

Any serious rendering I do, I do at night when I wouldn't be working anyway. If I am charging you for it, you've treated me like crap at some point.

The industry is fairly small, and we talk. That guy that treated the crew like crap when I was a locations P.A. 10 years ago? I still let people know not to hire him.

Wedding videos suck. No matter what. If I am making one for you, it means I love you more than I can possibly ever say.

I am really good at what I do, but I am not really good at everything "to do with tv"

If I am up to date with a tv series, it means whatever I am working on sucks. The best stuff I have ever done kept me too busy to watch tv.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T21:16:58-08:00

- Museums don't want to increase their attractiveness to new target audiences. Anything past a surprisingly small critical mass of visitors equals damaged exhibits.

YES.

A very private conversation I was involved in with the head of exhibit design at one of the major Chicago museums consisted mainly of which exhibit they would pick to "bring in the suburbanites" and which ones they would choose to keep them out.

When you see the museum doing "Star Wars" of FUCKING HARRY POTTER they are trying to make money so the rest of the year you and your horrible illiterate spawn will stay far the fuck away.

Note that many of those traveling exhibits have been designed like feeder chutes. Get them in and out (through the gift shop) as quickly as possible. Hopefully without bothering the people actually enjoying the museum.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-10T23:36:39-08:00

National parks are run on similar lines.

There are areas intended for bike riding offroadng et cetera - these are referred to in the business as sacrifice areas.

As in: "If we sacrifice this bit of the park, we might get to save the rest."

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T05:35:38-08:00

i work in a fairly upscale grocery store's bakery.

-most of the stuff we make... yeah, it comes in frozen. even those fancy artisian breads. par-baked. the only thing my chain actually makes from scratch is, like, a few different types of bread. and at other chains, i doubt they even do that. so just assume anything the supermarket bakery you're at "makes" is just warmed up and put in a bag.

-even the best stores will attempt to screw you over at some point. some baker recently put powdered sugar on top of a batch of white mountain bread, then covered it w/ flour afterwards in hopes to pass it off. i know better, so i threw it all away. please, know what you're buying, and know to tell us if it's wrong. there are a couple of people in this line of work who actually care enough to make it right.

-if something you want has the sell-by date of tomorrow, don't complain. it's still good. it's not like it sits in the store for a week before then. i can only speak for my chain, though. i've heard stories of other stores adding another cycle to their day-old stuff. like ready-to-eat bbq ribs. ick.

unfortunately, i can't give much advise on recording. internships, however...

-internships are not really fun and you probably won't learn anything. i lucked out and got into a small studio where i was kinda forced to sit in on sessions. from what i understand, everywhere else, you'll be lucky if you even get to clean in the control room.

-knowing how to make good coffee is probably the most valuable skill in studio internships. the recording stuff, no one expects you to know anything.

-if an artist offers to buy you lunch, take them up on it. just be sure to get their order right when you're ordering it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T13:42:18-08:00

Best thread. Ever.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T16:03:17-08:00

I worked at a comic book store for about 8 months, I can't really think of anything that'd be considered a "trade secret" but here's a few things.

-If you come into a shop at least semi regularly it's more than worth it to make friends with the staff. They will be much more inclined to cut you deals, or even offer them, if you're a familiar face. Realize that this does not give you special haggling rights to everything in the store, but if you're smart about it you should be able to get pretty good deals if you decide to splurge and buy a lot in one day or snatch up the shit that is not selling.

-The amount of crazy/mean/strange people that come in regularly is generally pretty high. The more you can present yourself as a nonthreatening normal person the easier it is going to be to get to know the staff.

-Wednesdays are the days when all the new shit comes in. Be extra polite on Wednesdays. I had to get up at 5:30 am to go out and pick up your new issues and as soon as those doors swing open throngs of ravenous nerds will pour into the store expecting their new issue of ______. Even if things go smoothly I am going to be fucking busy until late in the day. It is not a good idea to chat with me or waste my time with shit today.

-You bring me some kind of snack or stimulant on a Wednesday and I will love you.

-Please do not assume I have read everything. I try and read as much as I can stomach, but at the end of the day I found myself repulsed by a great deal of popular comics.

-I'm allowed to talk about things other than comic books. Please, save me from the sweaty mumbling behemoth ranting to me about the new issue of ______.

-Check and see if your store is having any sales/specials/promotions. Often times they're worth it.

-Check and see if you can get an account at your store. If you buy comics even semi regularly it's a good idea. I think ours was at least 10% off everything in the store plus random deals etc.

-If somehow you manage to find a trade that is slightly damaged it doesn't hurt to ask for a couple bucks off the price. Don't go crazy with this one, but it's usually worth a shot.

-If you're a girl you should know two things about a comic book store. The first is everyone inside is afraid of you. If you're even remotely attractive you wield ultimate power. From my experience the men in these places are lonely, crazy and posses the social graces of a newt. The second is the men in these places posses the social graces of a newt. Seriously, be prepared for anything from mild and endearing attention to RUN. RUN AWAY.

- If you're old and complain that your store does not run games of ______ talk to the owner and volunteer to run them. Anything that will bring the store more patrons and more money is going to get you bonus points and usually free shit from whatever game you're running.

-Don't be an asshole and don't treat any one like shit. If you run any one out of the store for any reason you're fucked.

- I hate to say this, but you can always match the price or do better on amazon in terms of TBS (graphic novels). At least in my experience. To me comic book stores are reserved for other, generally less sane, activities. However, what's fun about being totally sane all the time any way?

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T17:39:13-08:00

Wedding Videos
-Wedding Videos, are really not worth it most of the time. I edited them for a year or so and in that time I encountered very few people who were ever truly happier for having one.

-The camera man is trying his best but the situation is rather no win. If he is too direct he runs the risk of angering guests and homicidal brides, if he is too timid he will miss things the bride finds important. Do yourself a favor, if you absolutely must have a wedding video go single camera, ceremony only and pick out a spot in the church that’s out of the way and has a nice view of the alter. You’re only likely to ever rewatch the vows and the bride entering anyway.

-Please tip your videographer if you have one. Just because you over paid his boss does not mean he’s even making a living wage, and the majority of his assignments will stiff him completely in favor of giving the band and the photographer more.

Tech Support at a University
-Professors in fields that use lots of computers don’t necessarily know how to use computers.

-If your professor brings in tech support to give a lecture, they know nothing about the topic the lecture is on, but they will try to grade you on it anyway.

-Economics professors with computers are like kittens with string. They know they want it but they have no idea what to do when the get it.

-If we tell you a building does not have wireless, it does not have wireless. We also can’t add it just because you ask, someone in purchasing needs to authorize new equipment, and the sys admin needs to make a proposal, and all sorts of other bureaucracy.

-When I tell you I can’t copy a copy protected DVD or VHS or CD, I really mean I will not do it because I like having a pay check. I most certainly have the technical skill and machinery to do it, but I will likely be fired.

-If your professor assigns a PowerPoint presentation they most likely don’t know how that works.

-If I’m speaking softly slowly and softly it’s because I’m trying to explain something that I think you have no hope of learning except for by rote.

-Projector bulbs do burn out even when we keep careful watch on things. Have a plan B ready at all times, because no one wins when you try and get me to change the bulb using a ladder in the middle of your class.

Comic Store
-Telling me that you went to the local Toys R Us, bought all the chase figures and now want to sell them to me just tells me you are a prick.

-We don’t want your death of superman/death of cap/any over hyped collector book.

-Unless you see an advert saying we’re buying, we are most likely not, yelling at the stock room monkey does not make us want to buy it.

-No I didn’t know heroclix was going to collapse right after the last set was released, as evidenced by the ones sitting at my house.

-If I tell you we don’t sell/special order stuff out of previews adult supplement I really do mean it.

-Yes I can get into some cons at a discount. That is my reward for working several days a week almost for free.

-I do have quite a bit of self-control, Women don’t get everything they want for free. Especially when it isn’t mine to give.

-When I say a toy is not good for your kid because it is very fragile, and you buy it over my objection I note it in the computer, and let the owner deal with it if you return.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T17:45:50-08:00

Overheard at a local council meeting on 'cutting costs' and 'the environment':

"GUYS HOW DID YOU PRINT ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PAPER LIKE THAT?"

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T19:03:37-08:00

My girl is a Governess. Not a female governor (oh, I shall be slapped for that) but a certified professional Nanny with a college degree. She passes along this wisdom.

*Nannies are not babysitters. Nannies are paid to encourage your child's development, education and socialization. Babysitters are paid to make sure you child does not die or suffer grievous bodily harm while you are out.

*The worst caretakers at the playgrounds, the ones who let their kids run crazy, those are usually the moms.

*Dads are often scared of you. Sometimes it's because you seem to know their kid better than they do. Sometimes it's fear of being ganged up on by you and the wife. Not in a porno way.

*The "Isawyournanny" sites are deeply racist. Look at how they describe women of color. Do you trust an anonymous bigot, or your child care provider?

*I assume there is a nanny cam. I wish people would just tell me rather than sneak it in. I don't mind you checking in on your child, that's great. Just the notion of someone watching me pick my nose or a camera in the bathroom is CREEPY.

*Children fall down, get bruised, black their eyes, get cuts, cry, get sick, poop all kinds of colors and most of the time they are perfectly fine.

*If a child calls you mommy and the parents hear it, you're gone. It's unfair but still.

*Jogging strollers are for Bougie people. WALK YOUR BABY. Same with bike strollers.

*Please let kids eat some sweets. Parents with lists of dietary restrictions are in for a nasty shock when kid goes to college and blows the first guy to give her a Dr. Pepper.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T20:01:02-08:00

God, I'm learning so much, and I had a terrible day at work, so here we go...

Small-town journalist:

- That smile on my face while I'm covering your event? Fake. Clearly. That you can even begin to think that I care about what you care about is ridiculous. I'm getting paid (and not very much) to be there, not to enjoy myself.

- Want some coverage? Ask, don't demand. I've got a quota of pictures and stories to meet each week, and if you're nice to me, you'll make the cut. If you're a dick, sorry to hear about your luck.

- On the off chance that you're a dick and I still show up to cover your event, that means you just became my personal playtoy and victim of mockery. I have decided to make your life hell. Get comfy.

- Don't get pissed about what goes in the paper, and don't pretend you didn't do whatever it is you did that's getting you ridiculed on the street. I'm not getting paid enough to make shit up, and I don't have the time to devote to lengthy creative fictions if I'm not getting paid for it.

- Don't fucking challenge me. I do not care that you think that your position as an elected official holds some merit beyond the walls of your own home, and it certainly will not protect you from the damage I can do to you. Making yourself a target by mocking me or complaining about what I wrote will only cause me to research you thoroughly and find something you don't want people to know about.

- There is great truth in the saying that you do not mess with a man who buys ink by the barrel. That goes double for the person who is using someone else's ink. It pays to be nice to me.

- Don't ask me to join your organization. I'm working, and I will forever equate your organization with more work, because you will never treat me like a member of your organization, you will only treat me like your personal PR machine.

- Offer me something to drink or a snack. I will likely refuse, but it's polite of you to ask. I will appreciate it, and will color the tone of my article more favorably in your direction. Ditto for asking me out for a drink after your event/meeting/whatever.

- Not everything you say to me outside of work is going to end up in the newspaper. Really.

- Don't keep saying "Off the record." Yes, I know you heard it in a movie and you think it sounds cool, but let's be real here. If I'm not holding a notebook, I don't give a shit.

- You have the same event every year? You offer a scholarship, run a bake sale, whatever? Awesome. That means that, after I write the first story, I never have to again. I just go dig up the old files, copy the text, change the dates, and send it to print.

- The worst thing to say in the world is, "I read in the paper that..." No matter what follows this introduction, it is bad, because a) you're referring to another paper (my competition), and telling me that you read that paper rather than the one I write for, b) you've read it in my paper, but I didn't write it, and thus have no direct knowledge of it, or c) you will say something in direct relation to something I have written, but have missed the point of what I have written entirely, you stupid inbred hick. All of this annoys me greatly, and I am not the person you want to annoy (see previous statements).

- Yes, asking me to write something myself, rather than handing me a press release, is much better in the long run. That's just another story for the quota.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T20:11:08-08:00

@inexperto

~ Be nice to the soundman. Turn up on time for the soundcheck. Say hello, say please, say thank you. The soundguy probably does more work for the venue than you do, knows the staff and the organisers better than you, and he has a long memory.

Speaking on behalf of soundmen everywhere - YES! Also ... don't be that guy who in the middle of your set decides to say, over the mic, "can I get a bit more _______ in the monitor please?" We all now know that you're a hack who thinks he's better than he really is. Communicate your monitor needs during sound check, or subtly during the set with some hand gestures. Otherwise, you're just a prick.

I'll second that this is an awesome thread.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T20:11:09-08:00

Letter box drops:

1. The manager knows which clients actually got out and check to see if their leaflets are being distributed. They will tell the staff.

2. If the client is NOT checking distribution, you do the major streets in your distribution area and dump the rest in the rubbish.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T21:08:18-08:00

Retail/delivering: If your fucking order says "After 3pm" and you're calling about it at 5:30 that's because you fucking put "After 3pm" on the invoice, ya crybaby. And the guys have lots of deliveries and are probably backed up...OR they could just be circling around to clock in more hours ^_^

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T21:55:18-08:00

Sex Worker

Clients (male and female)
- If you're afraid of being caught, just don't do it. Acting like a paranoid prick is boring.
- Be honest and get a price.
- If you are asked if you're a cop, you're acting like a cop or a jerk. Relax.
- Smile, enjoy yourself, and don't fucking do it in an alley - that shit's the grossest.
- If you're fooled by picking up a guy rather than a woman - don't freak out and don't beat them - Sex working Trans lives have it rough enough.
- No, I don't want to do blow. Or meth. No, I can't find any for you either - I'm a sex worker, not a junkie or your dealer. Frankly, I want that money in MY pocket.
- If it was $200 bucks the last time, and $200 bucks the time before that, and I raise the price, don't haggle. Don't whine. Either agree or disagree.
- Don't pay me in jewelry, or watches, or "round trip tickets". It's cash, you fuck.

Transgen/vestite workers
- Don't pick up homophobic johns. It's the best way to get killed or beaten.
- If you're meeting a new guy, go with someone who can recognize the john's face if something goes wrong. I don't like to see my girl-boys face down in alleys or with black eyes.

Male Escorts:
- Be honest and set a price. Don't throw attitude when the john doesn't pay. Don't steal when the john doesn't pay.
- Keep a file on your regulars. Manage them like you do any clients so they don't fall in love with you.
- If they fall in love with you, break it off. The L word is fucking evil and guaranteed, will lead you to jail somehow, someway.
- Don't be a prick. Women already see enough douchebags - they're usually looking for good eye candy, a romantic dance and MAYBE something more.
- If you get a sugarmommy, don't date other women in front of her. For many reasons, but most importantly, it really hurts their feelings.
- If you move in with the sugarmommy, don't party on their turf. You're a kept boy. In fact, don't move in unless it's a REALLY good deal.
- If your sugarmommy wants you to have sex with other men, if you're into it, do it. If not, don't be a homophobic jackass - just tell her, "I'm not into it."
- If your sugarmommy tells you "You're gone," and you can't sweet talk her in 10 minutes. Just go. And don't ever return unless you get a sincere, sober apology first.
- And believe it or not, don't let sugarmommies beat you. It's no different when the guys do it to women.

Women clientele
- If your escort/boytoy isn't putting out, it's probably because you're fucking disgusting. Take a shower, clean yourself up - more than likely, you're wanting a more romantic mood, so indulge.
- Negotiate for the kinky stuff up front. If you want me to say "Hurry up, Mommy, Daddy's in the Driveway!" you better tell me WELL in advance.
- If you're lactating, tell me first. I'm down with it, but it's a little shocking once it starts.

Dominitrixes
- Sure I'll be your third man to help out your client's fantasy, but tell me what you want up front. Expecting me to strip for the client while he's pretending he's donald duck is going to make me crack up and ruin his fantasy. And if that's his fantasy, you're not paying me enough.

All
- Don't fuck cops. If you're unsure, ask the question, "Are you a police officer or are you working with the police?" Until it's legal, you need to be safe and enjoy yourself.

And no, I will not bareback you without a condom. Grow the fuck up, already.

Wow. I haven't thought about this shit for years.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T22:03:48-08:00

Martial arts.

Learning a martial art will not make you Bruce Lee. Taking a few classes does not mean you can go out and beat up Hulk Hogan when he knocks your beer over.

Just because your instructor is wearing a black belt, does not mean he has actually achieved that grade. Some clubs appoint novices to teach classes, especially beginner classes.

Practice in your own time if you ever want to make it as a serious martial artist. You can learn all the strikes, blocks and holds in the world, but they won't help you if you haven't trained them into your muscle memory.

If I find that you have been going out picking fights or bullying people, you are GONE from my class.

ALWAYS research any martial arts club before joining. Make sure they have personal injury insurance. Find out their policy on instructor qualifications. Look up the club's history and affiliations, and check their reputation.

Any club that promises to make you a black belt in six months to two years, is a joke. Take your money elsewhere.

Be suspicious of any club which is constantly pressuring you to buy stuff from them; uniforms, belts, mitts and pads etc can all be bought at martial arts supply stores. If the club insists you buy supplies exclusively sold by them, they have a franchise and are just trying to rip you off. Take your money elsewhere.

No, I will not come and beat up that big kid who has been picking on you at school.

No, I will not grade your kid to orange belt when he hasn't achieved the necessary standard.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T22:05:03-08:00

From working at the airport:

Be careful what you pack. When I worked at LAX some TSA employees and baggage handlers were fired for stealing electronics equipment from travelers' luggage. The TSA security officers at the x-ray machines were looking in bags for anything expensive and calling the guys loading the planes by cellphone and letting them know which bags to open. I also had a coworker who had a collection of women's underwear in his locker. Now you can keep that in mind anytime you come up missing some drawers in your suitcase.
Oh, and if you've seen people hitching a ride in the landing gear in films or television I can tell you this does not work. I was working when they had to scrape the corpse of someone who tried this out of the wheel well of a British Airways plane. Here's an article on it from the BBC http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6310659.stm.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-11T22:51:37-08:00

More from the pool.

- The more affluent someone is, the harder they'll jerk you around. It will take the better amount of a month of get a $150 check from them after they already agreed on the price and had their party.

- They think that they have good taste in wine because they're Californian suburbanites. They do not. You can funnel absolute swill into them.

- If you put Smirnoff Ice out, they'll drink it. Smirnoff Ice is expensive as hell. Put cheap beer out instead, preferably in a keg.

- They will drink enough diet Coke to kill an entire lab full of rodents. The ratio of diet Coke to regular pop should be about 1:1.

- They will hover. Are you cooking their super-special veggie-burger? Is it done yet? How about now? Get used to a few people standing around the barbecue like cats waiting for their food.

- Bring your own spatula and box cutter, and do not lend them out. Nobody else has their own and you'll never get them back.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T04:12:16-08:00

@heresybob bravo. Nicely written.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T09:40:58-08:00

@herseybob

Nice post. Was wondering when we might see one from a sex worker.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T10:50:04-08:00

Forgot one:
- I don't care if you are a woman, you called me, there's a price. Just because you got one of those doesn't mean it's free.

I gotta do a comic about this.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T10:57:59-08:00

This thread just blows my mind, and holy Crap, what a great idea/concept generator!
Plus, it's just great to see the details (hidden or not) associated in other people's careers.
More. More. More.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T11:02:39-08:00

From the 3D/advertising/film world:

Understand who you are working for and make sure you take orders from them, if someone else is trying to get you to make changes, no matter who he or she is on the totem pole, get them to talk to the person you are working for before you do any work. Nothing is more annoying and a waste of time to be the ping pong ball between the director and creative producer who refuse to sort it out between one and another and just tell you to make changes. It is hard, especially as a novice, to tell someone higher up 'No', but you have to learn to tell them you can't do things without your direct supervisors orders. In worst case say 'I'm scheduled to do a different thing right now, let me go sort that out with my boss first' and get them to handle it. You are not being paid to handle that shit, most likely.

It is not your job to critique the artistic disaster that is the taste of the director/creative prod/whatever. He wants shit, give it to him. The way he wants it. Most directors (unless they are really big assholes and utterly incompetent) are okay with good ideas and creative input, but are not looking for it and will ask you for your opinion if they want it.

Every person in charge in the advertising world wants changes. It doesnt matter how fucking good your work was, they want changes. It is merely so they have the feeling they are doing something and are part of the creative process. Learn to steer them towards small, easy to make changes. Give them openings where they can latch onto thing and make creative decisions that are easy for you to do, rather than run the risk of them wanting something really nasty.

I have had ad directors doing the stupidest, most inane things, like shifting background objects 3 pixels to the right on HD footage, or repeatedly zooming out and then scaling up objects (the 3D result is the same). This is because they like to be in control. Humour them. make sure you are getting paid for it and it is on their time.

There is a discrepancy between what is physically correct and what looks right. No digital sunset will look good, regardless of how realistic. Nor any rainbow. Stars, planets, magnifying glasses, fire, explosions.. the list is endless. Make sure you know what they want. They wont want the real thing.

Every half-assed director thinks he is Roland Emmerich. Roland Emmerich may be shit, but he is capable of directing an entire movie based on a few visual tentpoles. They, however come to you with some harebrained idea about a single shot, often with no fricking clue about the rest of the clip. Those are the shots that matter. Get them exactly the way they want, and they will be happy. Worry about the rest though.. those will be the hardest work.

Trust the animator. Love your animator if they are good. Cuddle them and feed them and make sure they are happy. Good animators are priceless.

Expect changes. Make sure the changes are done when they can be done. Make sure there is a clear approval system that cuts off any changes after a certain point. (without them paying) NEVER go back to the animator to get basic changes after the whole scene is animated. They will probably hurt you.

Anyone that says it is fixable in post deserved to be posted. In the medieval sense of the word.

Compositors/finishers are almost exclusively divas. They whine, they complain, they expect to be treated like a combination of little newborn and rock star. If they are good, they deserve it. They can single-handedly save your production. They are the origin of the 'fix it in post' mentality, because they can. It also requires a sacrifice to the gods of patience, tolerance and calmness to survive asking them to do it.

Rendering is not something that can be done "quickly", to see what it looks like. There are situations where this is possible, but give it to them once, and they will expect it always. They do not understand the difference why the scene with one thing can be done quickly and the other can't. The rule is: no on the fly rendering. They can see that in dailies.

A good previs and storyboard will tell you a lot about the director and how good the film will be. The better the previs and storyboard, the better shape you are in. Fincher's previs can make me cry tears of joy.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T11:02:47-08:00

And just so I can rant:

I dont care how much money was put into the special effects, if you have shit animation, it looks shit.

Pixar is pixar and ILM is ILM, and there are a handful of studios in the world that can do that shit. If you want effects like that, give me their budgets, so I can hire the mob of developers they have. Dont expect that shit in a TV ad with a shoestring budget. And dont come running to me with a clip from your favorite hollywood production saying that is what you want unless you are prepared for the price tag.

Do not talk to my team directly if you are my client. You talk to me. If you want changes, dont try and sneak them past me or my TDs. They will not get done.

Never throw a wobbly at my team. THey are being paid shit to work long hours and bust their balls to make your fucked up piece of crap reality. If you have a problem, it is with me. The 'Christian Bale' approach will result in you being banned from the floor, and I dont care who you are... we have our ways, and we have done it before. People who live in dark cellars and feed off old pizza and curry can be remarkably efficient in protecting their sanctuaries.

On the other hand, if you are nice, I can guarantee I will have a group of people who have more artistic capability than you can shake a stick at and they will make your baby as good as is technically possible if you let them. If you are REALLY nice, they might even be willing to tell you how to make it better.

If you come to us with our favorite book/classic film/comic book and are attempting to turn it into a hollywood pile of shit, we will do it. We also will put your face on dart boards, use it on toilet paper and construct voodoo dolls with which you will be tortured. Your name will become a curseword and you should not be suprised to see your likeness hidden away and undetectable in various bits and pieces of film, being destroyed, or worse, if we can.

Understand what you want. Ask for it. Tell us. I love directors who know what they want, even if it is a pile of wank. The more detailed and concrete, the better. Don't give me a dreamy wishy washy mashup of clichees and leave me to interpret that into a realistic, achievable goal. I will. You wont like it. You will want it different. It will cost you more.

The more time you leave me and the more decisions you give me on the front end of the production, the less I will need later. By a factor of 1:2. At least.

Get a scriptwriter and storyboarder that knows what they are doing. If you don't have one, we can help you find one. It will save you. I dont care how good you think you are at writing or drawing, if you don't have experience in those areas, let someone who does help.

When the SFX guys tell you something is difficult in 3D, don't give them shit. They are telling you what is expensive and time consuming, they are watching out for your budget. Yes, you can go elsewhere, but they will tell you the same or lie to you. Hair, fur, fluids, crowds, fire and cloth. They are easy to do. They are very difficult to do well. They are expensive to do well. They are time consuming to do well. Bear this in mind. ILM did make those dementors look great, yes... it was cloth simulated backwards underwater... do you have ANY idea how long that takes to get right and how many developers are needed?

Give me a pantone number. Give me an RGB value. Give me a clip or a magazine with the colour you want on it. Don't sit there for hours telling me you need it more red, no wait, more blue... hmmm go back to a bit more red. I will shoot you. Or make you eat my monitor.

Finally. If you are the sort of person that wants a lot of input and creative feedback and stuff, great. I will give it to you. You will have your own room with a special TD whose job it is to sit down with you and go through everything. Whenever you want. If you think you are going to be looking over my teams shoulders.... heheh.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T11:33:59-08:00

The 'Christian Bale' approach will result in you being banned from the floor, and I dont care who you are... we have our ways, and we have done it before. People who live in dark cellars and feed off old pizza and curry can be remarkably efficient in protecting their sanctuaries.

This is so true. I've done some commercial work and a good number of friends are in film/production. When I heard that prat screaming like a fucking infant I saw the future headline "Christian Bale Killed by Falling Light"

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T12:39:10-08:00

More political stuff:

1. Most legislation is written by staffers and or public servants. Those guys in Parliament/Congress yo usee on TV passionately denouncing/supporting a bill? Most likely they haven't even read it. Sometimes their staff has read it and told them the relevant bits. Some times their party bosses have just handed them a bunch of notes. Fro that matter, some politicians can't read (seriously).

2. Legislation may look like its written in English but it really isn't. Essentially, a law is a piece of software used by judges and lawyers to reach decisions abotu what is and is not legal. Each jurisdiction has a separate body of prior Acts and court decisions defining particular words and phrases and imposing general rules and requirements on legislation. For example, a n Act might say "It is an offence to do X." But the state Criminal code defines "offence" and sets out a whole bunch of defences and evidentiary rules which apply to all offences.

3. "Obama (or whoever) voted with his party 98% of the time" is usually bullshit. why? Because about 90% of those votes are stuff like "The House notes the presence in the gallery of the trade delegation from Burkina Faso and extends the greetings of the house"; "The House moves that the Bill be read a second time"; "The House will now adjourn for lunch" etc. Virtually all these motions are passed unopposed.

4. with large pieces of legislation NO-ONE has read the whole thing from beginning to end. That cunning loop-hole inserted by the Macchiavellian government to give themselves super-secret spy powers? That happened because that section was proofread at 3 AM the night before the Bill was introduced and it was proofread by a 22 year old junior staffer with no prior drafting experience who'd been up 72 hours straight.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-12T12:42:40-08:00

5. Live in a country with a Westminster system? (Meaning Ministers have to be Members of Parliament).Here's how that total moron got to be a Minister: say there are 100 seats in Parliament. Say the government controls 55 of them. You have 25 ministries to fill; there's also five or six other positions to fill such as Whip and Deputy Whip; Head of Committees; Leader of government business and Speaker (the details vary but it's usually somewhere around 5 or 6.)

There are generally about 5 people who are guaranteed jobs: the Premier/PM; their deputies; senior ministers from the previous cabinet; party heavyweghts. So really you have 25 jobs and 50 people to fill them.

Of those 50, there are usually 5-10 people who, for example, were ministers previously and got sacked or resigned; who are generally regarded as too stupid/crooked/embarassing/drunk to be suitable or who hate/are hated by the Premier/PM or another senior figure because, for example, they slept with that person's wife/daughter/mistress/private diary secretary or because they lost a leadership challenge and want to sit on the back bench until they challenge again. There will also be the people who won by 5 votes in what used to be a safe opposition seat. The party wants them to spend every waking second courting their constituents in the hopes of hanging on to that seat.

So that leaves roughly 40 people to fill those 25 ministries. Of those 40; 5 are probably in their first term. First-termers almost never get a ministry because it pisses off all the more senior backbenchers and also because they're something of an unknown quantity - they might turn out to be too stupid/crooked etc.

So that leaves 35 people for 25 jobs. Maybe 5 of those people will be women; openly gay men; or members of ethnic minorities because most Parliaments are still overwhelmingly made up of straight white men. (Even when women do get elected they're generally elected in marginal seats viable male candidates weren't interest in and struggle to get re-elected.) Those 5 will pretty much automatically get ministries to show the government is inclusive (if left wing) or not a pack of raging bigots (if right wing.) (This is not discrimination, these people have jumped through the same hoops as everyone else to get to this point including being elected to Parliament twice and as MPs are just as entitled to a ministry as any other MP .)

So finally, you end up with maybe 30 people for the other twenty jobs. Now factional politics get involved. The Foreign Minister hates and distrusts the Defence Minister and vice versa. Neither of them will have a friend or factional colleague of the other as a junior minister. There's a back bencher whose father-in-law is the Party President, he has to get a job.

Essentially you end up with a situation where anybody who gets re-elected and isn't obviously mad or under active police investigation will probably get a ministry if they want one.

Which is also why you get bullshit ministerial posts created for guys like the aforementioned son-in-law of the Party President such as "Minister for Wine Industry Development"; or "Minister Assisting the Premier for the Arts, Tourism, Regional Development; Rural Communities and Disability Support". (The "Rural Communities" and "Disability Support" bits got tacked on because of campaign promises to create a Cabinet post to deal with these issues. The relevant ministerial staff consist of two part-timers on temporary secondment from Fisheries or the Mines Safety Inspectorate.)

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T02:48:44-08:00

Economic / statistical analysis

- Analysts can't predict the future. The best technical analysts (guys I used to work with) get it right maybe 55% - 60% of the time. If their success rate was higher, they wouldn't need clients to make money - they'd just play the market themselves.

- People are in awe of numbers, and that is why a lot of crap analysts have a job*. Numbers should be treated with suspicion. They are normally compiled by (a) government, (b) companies trying to sell you stuff or (c) special-interest groups. Data are almost always dirty. They are analysed by people with inherent biases. They are interpreted by morons.

- Economic journalists are morons. They are writers who have a year of economic studies, tops. When I read the way basic concepts are misinterpreted**, I want to reach through the newpaper and punch the reporter hard.

- When we spend days building a big multivariate statistical regression model of, oh let's say the manufacturing sector, and after using all the logical variables that should predict manufacturing activity we get a forecast that's bullshit, we adjust the forecasts up / down, based on what we think the numbers are going to be. This belief is based on our personal biases. Yes, it's circular logic, self-fulfilling prophecy, and so on. More honest analysts will try to include an 'adjustment factor' or dummy variable to account for this.

- As many other people have mentioned, in many diverse contexts, if the client is a dick, the project's costs will be padded. If the client is kind, polite, and intelligent, we'll bring the cost down. Most of the time consultants charge an hourly rate, and we can justify a detailed breakdown of project items and sub-items in our sleep.

- Being a dick usually entails: having a vague idea of the project; being prepared to pay way too little for the work spec, belittling our efforts / profession, refusing to pay on time, trying to extract extra work after the terms of contract have been signed off. Many clients at my old job were in government / parastatals. These organisations are notorious for their internal bureaucracy and sub-intelligent staff.

University lecturering / teaching

- You grow to hate most students very quickly. You realise just how lazy and stupid most students are, and you have the benefit of having been a student yourself.

- This means that you *know* that students' excuses are bullshit 95% of the time, that they copied the assignment, and that they are cheating in the exam.

- I like tits. A lot. But I don't give special privileges to first-year girls who ask for extensions and favours in a low-cut top and a little-girl voice. If I really really like you, I will wait until there is no longer a teacher-student relationship before asking you out. I'm not scared of being fired***, but I tend to take the job seriously. Maybe more seriously than I should.

*Admit it, some of you believe that the numbers I quoted in the first paragraph are gospel. They are close to the truth, because the best analysts are right a bit more than half the time, but not as much as 75%. You believe that number also? Good.

**Evergreen example: If the inflation rate is falling, it doesn't mean prices are falling. It means they are rising a bit slower than last month.

***The proportion of teachers who bang their students is roughly 85.9032%

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T05:00:31-08:00

"When we spend days building a big multivariate statistical regression model of, oh let's say the manufacturing sector, and after using all the logical variables that should predict manufacturing activity we get a forecast that's bullshit, we adjust the forecasts up / down, based on what we think the numbers are going to be."

Except when the client tells you approximately what result they want, in which case the starting assumptions are massaged to get the desired result.

Does a 5% hurdle rate make that new motor racing track look like a bad investment? Well here's a paper that argues the appropriate public sector hurdle rate is 4%.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T05:17:55-08:00

I used to work on a ferryboat for extremely rich people to get out to a private island where they could tell themselves they were sequestered from a public that did not, in fact, care.

Nouveau riche are, about 75% shitheels. They have all the money in the world and no idea what they want, except the respect of the established, moneyed elite, so they all buy the same stupid SUVs (then freak out when there's no more room on the deck for their monstrous car), wear a uniform of khaki shorts, Mount Gay hats and $200 sandals. The men refuse to listen and the women despair of doing anything for themselves. They appear to be quite insecure.

I avowed if I were ever a millionaire, I'd use my money to enjoy life. Louis Armstrong did this and he was one of the happiest people ever.

Old rich can be surprisingly cool. They're used to it and they have nothing to prove. They skew in personality much more like the rest of society. But they too have strata -- some, of which Paris Hilton is an extreme example, have absolutely no frame of reference or idea of value, of having to give up something to get something. They tend not to see other human beings as real people, but as objects.

There were lots of swell people on that island, though.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T06:41:33-08:00

I'm a safety and risk consultant:

Some advise, some rants

Clients:

- If my quotes are too heavy for preparing key documents, it means that the designer/contractor you are using is a pain and will waste a lot of my time.
- If the project gets more time/construction added on - it will cost more
- If you have one project in two parts, my quote for the two parts combined will be cheaper than the two parts split
- I give you advise for your own good, you hire a professional, why not take his advice?
- Get as many investigations as possible, that way there are less suprises!
- The (UK) CDM Regs 2007 put a lot more responsibility on the client - meaning, if you don't supply information/research or realise this, you could go to jail!
- I do what I can to stop the above point, or you will not pay me.
- As long as I am under budget, do not complain

Designers:

- I will ask questions, not give solutions - that would make me a designer and I don't want that.
- Your client should provide you with information
- If your drawings are not clear, nor will the contractor
- Speak to the contractor, ofter, they have to work to your design
- Don't send me 10mb emails
- A line on a map if not a cable/pipe route
- 'passing everything onto the contractor' is not how you design out risks

Contractors:

- Ask me questions, I will propbably work with you again, and I don't like repeating myself
- If the client sets a goal, you will try to achieve it - its a goal, not a must!
- I am not out to get you/shut you down.
- Yes, my kids still play conkers
- If i have an issue I will explain to you in small words
- I don't belive you if you have been on site for a year, and never had an accident.
- Record meetings, chats, people and issues - even in a day book.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T07:23:44-08:00

This thread is the proverbial boom-diggy.

I work clientside as a web designer for a blue-chip cosmetics company, but I spent a lot of time freelancing. The two aren't that different, except for instead of sitting about in my robe eating coco-pops all day, I have to wear shiny shoes and smile at rightwing-corporate-swiss-tony-look-a-likes who always smile back (but think you're some sort of drug dealing hooligan who would key their precious toyota RAV4 if they gave you the chance). Ahem...

Here are some rules/best practices/ideals that will make your life as a freelancer bearable.

1) That photoshop masterpiece you spent two days on will probably be heavily amended by the client - for your own sanity learn to live with changes and learn how to compromise.
2) If the client has an absolutely ridiculous suggestion, don't tell them that - offer alternatives and explain why your idea is better (not why theirs is worse).
3) Planning. Planning is vital. At the start of a project, create your sitemap and wireframes and get them signed off by the client. Now you have a nice list you can tick off as you do it and any pages the client wants adding you will be able to charge them extra (which is only fair).
4) Regarding sign-offs - there is absolutely no problem with telling a client that something will cost them more if it's not in the brief they originally signed off. Let them know that they should get their spec 100% solid before they sign off, because adding stuff later will cause no end of problems with the timeframe and end up costing them more.
5) Conversly, if something you've done isn't as it was specced, don't even think about charging the client for it. Your mistake, you pay for it.
6) If you're developing as well as designing, build yourself a reuseable abstract codebase, you'll save yourself no-end of time and you can still charge the client for the time it originally took to make. I spent a whole month without clients building myself a rock-solid CSS, AJAX and PHP framework. I ate a lot of 50p noodles that month, but afterwards I was able to handle three clients a month (average of £2000 per client - ka-ching!!!).
7) Time management is essential - get yourself a big whiteboard and write down what you have to do each day, week and month. Stick to it.
8) Always answer the phone/reply to emails. Whatever issue it is it won't go away by ignoring it.
9) Most business you will receive will be from word of mouth. Make sure you are curtious, punctual and professional and you'll be so busy you'll be turning clients away.
10) Get a dedicated office space. Working in your bedroom/living room is not productive. You need to seperate your professional life from your private one. Also, let your clients know that they can phone you during normal business hours, anything outside that they will need to send an email which will be picked up the next day. If they're nice people there's nothing wrong with replying to emails after office hours, but make sure they don't become accustomed to it.

For freelancers the most important time saving, economical, sanity-preserving thing I did was....
GET AN ACCOUNTANT. Seriously. Just get one. Now. Not your mate who did business studies at A-Level. A chartered accoutant. Google it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T09:37:08-08:00

A general retail one: if you are a regular customer, the sales staff will assign you a pet name. You will hear this name except by accident.

Some examples:

Porno Guy
Cry-or (of Eternia)
Rabbity Man
Stinky
NAF (an acronym for "Nazi animal Fucker")

These names will be used by the staff quite casually: "Porno Guy was in and picked up his special order." "The rabbit brought that back for store credit." "I ran into NAF down the pub last night."

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T09:49:07-08:00

Remember the old cliche about the psychotic postal worker running amok? Ever wonder why you don't hear about that any more?

Most mail sorters have been replaced by OCR machines.

I worked as a mail sorter while at uni.

The pay was shit, you had to work shifts. The job actually required a fair degree of skill and intelligence - you had to memorise a couple of thousand town/suburb names and post codes and sort a hundred or so handwritten letters into the correct mail routes in a minute. Supervisors with stop watches stood over you to ensure you kept up the pace.

The supervisors also used to play a game called musical chairs. That's where you have 55 sorters on a shift and 50 seats on the sorting primary. Last five people back from break get to load trucks.

Because the conditions were shit, the people who took the job were a mix of students, ex-cons, drug addicts; compulsive gamblers; psych cases and cult members.

Given the shit I saw, it was surprising there weren't more spree killings. Acid flashbacks, nervous breakdowns and punch-ups in the break room were pretty much weekly events.

God knows where all those people went when the OCR machines put them out of jobs. Probably telemarketing at a guess.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T09:57:22-08:00

If you have a job where you have to communicate with human beings:
Read How to win friends and influence people. It's like hacking people.

Freelance computer repair:
- Don't carry product. It depreciates in value WAY to fast. You can usually order anything you need overnight. If clients need it that fast, they'll pay for the shipping.
- Charge what you're worth. You're worth more than you think you are. I charge $25 to walk in your door and do nothing, $50 an hour after that. I'm cheap because I live in a very small town. If I were in a metro area, it'd be double that. People will assume you're worth whatever you charge, so if you charge $10 an hour, they'll think you're crap. If you can double your rates and only lose half of your clients, then you should do it.

From when I worked at Geek Squad (pre-BestBuy Corruption)
- If you come in talking on your cell phone, I will not help you until you hang up. I have more important things to do, and obviously so do you.
- If you built your own computer and it doesn't work, I don't want to fix it for you. I really don't want to fix it.
- I'll charge you more an hour to fix your printer than your printer is worth. Go buy a new printer.

Also, second that all of your porn will be looked at. I spent some time doing nothing but data recovery. I really didn't care about stuff that was downloaded. Mainly looked for stuff with the client in it. Saw some really nice honeymoon shots.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T10:09:00-08:00

doctors make fun of odd looking patients. little kids get stamped with the acronym FLK...funny looking kid. seriously.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T10:23:40-08:00

"I'll charge you more an hour to fix your printer than your printer is worth. Go buy a new printer."

My business no longer worries about PC repairs - we have a stack (literally) of ex-government machines we bought for a $100 each. We back up daily and at the first sign of trouble just take another machine off the stack. The old machines are given to staff for home use on a caveat emptor basis.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T10:39:13-08:00

@Kosmopolit - Do you have to install software on those computers, or are they just ready to go? You have people on staff who are capable of restoring from a backup I take it. Many people, sadly, are not.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T10:45:20-08:00

They come with an XP license and a freeware/shareware disc with open Office. Firefox et cetera.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T12:41:41-08:00

I work in theatre in a few different capacities.

--Theatre is expensive, but there are tons of ways to get decent tickets for dirt cheap, or free. Of course, if everyone knew that, we wouldn't have the millions of dollars from those rich, rich subscribers that helps to sustain our business.

--My company tickets for multiple shows by many other theatre companies. When I ask what show you are here to see, answering "this one" really doesn't help the situation at all. That being said, each company for the most part fills its own niche, so if you're black, gay, old, or Irish, I usually know where you're going anyway, but I still ask because I don't want to make it painfully obvious that I'm judging you.

--I really don't care how about how hard of a time you had parking in one of the most popular residential and restaurant and arts neighborhoods in downtown Boston, nor do I care why you are late or that your cat is sick. I hate cats.

--If you have to ask: yes, he/she is probably gay. Granted, I say this as a straight man that people often assume is gay, but still. I'm one of maybe 5 exceptions I've met in the last 5 years?

--For some reason, people continue to support and enjoy theatre simply on the grounds that it is theatre. Regardless of how hard the artists try to produce a quality piece of drama, people tend to praise it just for being theatre. No, I don't understand it, but some of the worst shows I've seen or been involved with were still somehow successful, in a way that an equivalent film would never be.

--The majority of our demographic makes about 5 times as much money as anyone who is working on the shows (except, ya know, the WAY higher-ups), and this makes it even more insulting when they (a) don't tip at any of the countless ridiculous benefits/galas that are thrown, or (b) speak to you with the condescending fascination that one normally reserves for very strange foreigners.

And most importantly:
--At any given time, yes, someone is probably drunk, and everyone is expected to be drunk at certain times as well.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T12:57:57-08:00

Banking:

* On a teller's screen, sometimes the acronym 'AH' will come up when the pull up your account. That's because you're an asshole.

* Use a smaller local bank and not a national bank. The FDIC's charter was written before national banking was legal, and its reserves don't have enough to cover one of the major nationals going under. Also, your check will float longer the smaller the bank you work with.

* A friend and I put together a bulletproof plan to jump country with six hundred million dollars before the bank realized what had happened. Sometimes I really kick myself for being inherently honest and law-abiding. Instead, I pointed out how to do it and the bank changed its entire operational layout to prevent it from happening.

* Most tellers really are raging sluts. Especially the older ones. Male and female.

* The personal bankers are even bigger sluts. Male and female.

* The real freaks work in the back, though.

* Most bank employees have a genuine concern for their customers, especially at the local, smaller banks. The shit I would see people doing to their elderly parents at the bank made me cry on occasion. Once I threatened to quit if they made me process the transaction where a man emptied out his parents' accounts. We had to call the police over that one.

* I was held up in two robberies, once with a bomb, the other with a gun to the back of my head. If you ever plan to rob a bank: Don't. It's a federal crime, you won't make enough money to make it worth it, and you will fuck up peoples' lives. Steal a check book, and you'll make more and it's not federal.

* One time, one of my tellers said, "Rob, my drawer smells like shit." We went through it and found a five dollar bill that someone had used to wipe their ass. What did we do? Lysol'ed it down and handed it out through the drive-through.

I later called my Mom who has been in banking since 1970, and told her about the shit-caked fiver, and she said, and I quote, "So what'd you do, Lysol it down and hand it out through the drive-through?" Paper money is disgusting.

* The first thing people do with a stolen check book? Order a pizza.

* The first thing people do with a stolen debit card? Buy gas.

* The stolen check books and debit cards are 95% of the time taken by a teenage dependent, or by a spouse that's about to leave you.

* Most people won't make a report on stolen checks and cards, because we will refund them, but we will then contact the police to arrest the person who stole it.

Title Insurance:

* The mortgage companies really did know they were fucking all of you.

* At the same time, I could not believe people were signing those things and going through with the loans. They really did expressly say they were going to fuck you.

* There was so much illegal shit going on I couldn't believe it, and when I set up a department that did everything the correct way and above the table, we were ridiculed and despised, until it got to the point they shut down our whole division.

Phone Center:

* We really are human beings on the other side.

* There are dicks on the phones at call centers, but most of us hate them and actively try to get their asses fired.

* Instead, they're normally promoted.

* One day I did an informal poll and found over half of our staff, including myself, had at one point worked for a sales cult. JUICE, anyone?

* If you're a jerk to me on the phone, I'm normally not only not going to help you, I'm going to go out of my way to make your situation worse. And I can fuck up your day, buddy. But if I can tell you're just projecting, I will put in the extra effort to improve your situation.

* If you call a call center and get someone who's a prick, though, don't fuck around with them and just demand a supervisor right away. Get that asshole fired.

* We get a lot of calls from an outsourcing company from India, and every now and then they pick their American names (sometimes they use American-sounding names when they call) from the wrong list, and you'll get a man saying, "Hello, my name is...Nancy." One of my coworkers even said, "Dude, you've got a girl's name." Sometimes they'll have not much of a grasp on English, and you'll get something great like when they spell something and deliver a gem like, "A as in 'Mother'." Still, I don't know how to do the equivelant of my job in India, and I don't speak any of their languages.

* We make fun of you after the call's over. When it's really good, we'll call our supervisors to listen to the recording of the call so that they can laugh, too.

* I had to take a drug test to work at a gas station, but not to work for a call center or a bank.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T13:23:46-08:00

continuing that, i had to take a drug test at a supermarket, but not once in the medical field where i am privvy to all sorts of documents and materials that, were i a shady fucker, are easily stolen and sold at a high profit.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T19:35:26-08:00

"* I had to take a drug test to work at a gas station, but not to work for a call center or a bank. "

When I signed up to be trained as a tax auditor, I was asked to sign a declaration that I hadn't been convicted of any pecuniary offence.

Murderers were okay but they didn't want any thieves.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T19:51:25-08:00

Addendum to the call center- DO NOT call in either a) for a relative, or b) pretending to BE that relative. We can always tell, we WILL call you on it, and we'll put potential fraud notes on the account.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T20:48:12-08:00

@robschamberger - Holy crap. What are you even supposed to do during a robbery, aside from comply? Do they give you any training or advice, or is it more of a "learn as it happens" experience?

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-13T21:18:05-08:00

@robschamberger:

On the Call Center, you speak some real truth about the occasional assholes in the system.

My heat was disconnected by mistake. My mom died and I'd shut off her utilities. The bills had been coming to my apartment and evidently a \wire got cross and it was January and I woke up to find a very cold house. My landlord had let People's Gas in. They never said they were doing a turn off, never checked to see if the unit was occupied and shut it off when the temperature was below freezing. All illegal in Illinois by the way, but fuck that I woke up, tripped over the cat and a piece chipped off.

I was literally shivering when I called. The heat was out 12 hours by this point, 8 of which I'd been asleep. I was trying real hard to be polite, then the call center guy told me it would be 6 days to get a person out there. Mind you, turning on the gas, takes about 5 minutes. I know this, I've seen them do this. I was livid, but controlled. I don't yell at call center people, that's childish. I offered to pay an additional fee, I said I could be available any time. "It's six days. I can't do nothing for you. It's not MY fault. Pay your bills on time." I kept my calm. I said this was a mistake, if he looked he'd see I'd order the shut off, but not for this address. My mother had died a month before, this was for her home.
"Not my fault your mother died."

I don't have a lot of power in this world, but I know a few people in a few places in Chicago business and government. I was raised an Irish Catholic in a city run by Irish Catholics. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows Daley.

I not only got this ape fired, they're pretty much blackballed. If he's working in Chicago, he's working for cash under the table these days.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-14T15:56:33-08:00

From retail management:

1. Management is spying on the staff, even if they say they aren't. That guy who came in and dropped $500 on what's normally a really quiet day? The manager's cousin. That extra $50 bill in the till - the manager stuck it in there to see if you'd report it.

2. That really clever trick you're pulling on management? (Like say adjusting your leaving time in the shift book from 4.15 to 4.45.) Chances are management knows about it and has decided you're too valuable to fire or is training your replacement in preparation for firing you.

3. Management expects a certain degree of staff theft. If you go over the top with it you will be fired. If you are sufficiently blatant about it and/or encourage others to steal you will be fired. Quick rule of thumb: swiping drinks = okay; using you staff discount card to buy stuff for friends = okay; hauling plasma screen TV out of the shop = jail time.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-14T17:43:28-08:00

@orwell's - that is something that should be printed next to every complaint line number:

'Our call centre staff Know Daley. Have a nice day.'

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-15T08:32:53-08:00

Analytical Chemist, quality control for pharmaceuticals

- Those fucks in the Georgia peanut plant that allowed those tainted products to go through deserved to be skewered. QC can and will find what is wrong with your stuff. The FDA is actually very strict.

- That being said, chemists do know how to adjust data so that clients do not flip out over products that will never be released not meeting spec. When you have seen enough test results you know what is wrong and what is not. We will do the job, we just don't like paperwork.

- Quality Control is basically broken down into chemists and QA. The chemist give you data. QA tells you that you missed a comma, more paperwork for you. Chemists generally do not like QA, and vise versa. If a chemist befriends a QA guy, you are golden.

- If your product has a competitor, all of your dirty little secrets will be found. And published. In high gloss.

- People with a QA mentality tell their kids at night that if they do not go to sleep soon, the FDA will pop out of the closet and audit them.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-15T22:38:46-08:00

@sruffne

What is QA? Qualitative Analysis?

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-15T22:57:15-08:00

Probably "Quality Assurance".

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-15T23:10:16-08:00

delivery charge for your furniture ranges from $29-$69. It's mostly b.s. and we're just squeezing extra $$$ outta you because you allowed it ^_^

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-15T23:21:12-08:00

I work in an autoglass repair shop. Some tips and warnings if you ever have to take your car in to get worked on.

1. Anything found under the seats/floor mats of your vehicle will be considered fair game for sticky fingered mechanics. This applies to money, drugs, electronics, sunglasses etc. If it looks like you won't miss it for a while or that you forgot it was there, it's gone.

2. Do not ask to come into the workshop to watch me work. It's not safe for either of us and you will be a distraction for me. I know how much your car is worth and I will do my best not to damage it in any way. And even if I do cause some damage, the shop will pay for the repairs.

3. This ties in with #1. Do not leave anything in your vehicle that you don't want stolen or at least snooped through. I personally will not take anything from a customer's vehicle but a lot of the people in this industry do not have such morals. All the shops have signs posted stating that they accept no responsibility for lost or stolen property. Heed this warning and leave all your valuables at home.

4. I take pride in the work I do. If you are not satisfied with something, let me know politely and I will do everything I can to fix it. I cannot stress the polite part enough. Nobody is going to do a thing to help you if you come stomping into the shop with an attitude.

5. If you're female and cute, the guys in the shop will bend over backwards to help you, no matter what they're doing.

That's all I can think of at the moment but I'm sure I can add more after some sleep.

G'night all.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T00:04:58-08:00

A mix of rant and trade secrets, although I'm sure not many of these are really secrets...

Librarian:
+ Yes, we are all secretly hating you. Just take your books and GO.
+ No, I haven't read the new Danielle Steel. I work in a library, not a supermarket. But I bet I can BS you for long enough to get you out of my library.
+ Some people will dodge phone calls, letters, and visits at home for months rather than admit they lost a book. Chances are it was our only copy of a bestseller. We charge 25c per book per week overdue rates and get all our books through donations. Please, for the love of god, just give us our books back.
+ There are actually old men who come to visit university libraries just to stalk the girls who work the front desk during the late-night shifts. This is not only creepy but traumatizing. If you notice a patron doing this, the people who work there will LOVE you for stepping in (non-violently) on their behalf, because chances are they are shy and quiet people who can't handle it and/or they need to go through some sort of ridiculous committee bureaucracy to get someone banned from the library.
+ What am I doing on my laptop? Writing porn, that's what. It's a boring job.
+ Processing a hardcover book takes about half an hour (not including typing & filing the paper cards) and I tape down those flaps for a reason. You think I'm not going to notice when you bring it back that you pried the cover off?
+ It's in alphabetical order. Surprise! There are even signs.
+ I might look like I'm reading, but I'm definitely listening to your conversation.
+ I am not a babysitter. Your kids may read the books, you may read them the books, but they do not get to run around shouting and pull the cards out of order. I may say it's fine, but I am killing you in my head.

Soccer Referee:
+ Even if we're wrong, and we know we're wrong, if it's more than two seconds after the fact we are not going to admit it, especially if play has started again. Yelling at me just gets you a yellow card, it's probably just better for you to just focus on playing.
+ Referees make the rules. If we don't have a stadium counting down the clock for us, we can end the game whenever we feel like it. If you've got a problem, please, by all means bring it to the convener/admin body. Chances are they'll back us over you, especially if you're a psycho bitch (yes, I'm talking about you, crazy lady from summer 08).
+ Referees are usually the players who like the mouth off or play dirty the most, so you really don't want to play against a referee team.
+ We can always tell when you're faking.
+ If I couldn't see what just happened, if I'm tired or hungover, or just forgot to put my contacts in that morning, I'll probably give the calls to whoever yells the loudest or picks up the ball first, so don't be afraid to act ahead of the call.
+ Most referees don't care enough to call things in one team's favour over another, but there are guys out there who are consistently biased and think you should like them for that. Don't bother complaining about them, though, chances are all the other reffs hate them too and they're just been around so long we can't get rid of them. You can't fire people who are essentially volunteers. I will, however, overlook all kinds of ridiculous stunts if you're polite about it. Or cute. That helps.
+ I'm getting paid whether or not we play the game. Most reffs would really like to have the game be played and will do their very best to make sure it happens, but if you've got three players at starting time and promise everybody else will get there in a half an hour I am not at all obligated to hang around.
+ Tell a referee that they did a good job or that you agree with a difficult call and you are golden. I will literally sleep with you for that.

Loving this thread, excellent insights.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T05:35:50-08:00

@E0157H7: The first bank I worked at gave us very awesome robbery training.

Here's the basics:

* Do whatever they say, but do not leave with them.
* Hand out the dye packs, bait clips or marked bills if you're comfortable doing so, but not if you think it will cause harm.
* If they try to force you to go with them, drop to the floor and go limp. They're in a hurry and will just leave.
* If you go with them, you'll die.
* After the robbery, don't let anyone talk about the robbery until they have talked to the police. Instead, have them write down what they saw. People's recollections can and will change after they have heard someone else's.
* Seriously, I described the second robber as "taller than me and black as midnight", but instead he was shorter and a lighter-complected black male. This is why cops hate to work off of eye-witness reports.
* After the robber has left, you immediately lock the door and ask all of the customers to stay until the police come. If they're unable to do so, take down their contact information and let them know that the police WILL be contacting them.
* The FBI are actually compassionate and pretty cool to deal with.
* Never volunteer anything. The same guys who robbed me (it later turned out they were a team) had robbed another local bank. The teller there asked if they wanted to go into the vault, to which of course they said yes. The teller went to unlock the safe, and in her state of shock forgot the combination. The robber pistol-whipped her in the head twelve times, to the point that flesh was removed from the skull. Never volunteer anything.

The second bank, the one where I was actually robbed, had no robbery training. I hate to say it, but I felt lucky that I was the one held hostage, because the other people may have panicked and handled the situation wrong. The guys came in, got the money, and I got them out.

And no, the fact that my name is 'Rob' is not lost on me.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T08:43:15-08:00

Okay - trade secrets in PR and marketing copy writing:

First, as I've said earlier, no one cares about your press release. Don't bother sending out press releases to try to promote your product or whatever it is you want to promote. No matter how pretty it is, or how informative, it won't work.

The FIRST thing you do is make your mailing list. Do this very carefully. Spend as much time thinking about it and checking titles and journalists and whether they're relevant as you might on your super-pretty press release. Use existing contacts. Don't bother with newswires, or anything like that.

A polite one line email, which should be in PLAIN TEXT ONLY summing up what you're offering, sent to a very small, carefully focused mailing list can get you far more coverage, and billable coverage at that, than the kind of thing that most boutique agencies deliver, which is beautiful press releases sent out to massive mailing lists.

These will get caught in spam filters and get your email address blocked at worst, but they'll usually get ignored on time conservation grounds.

Don't put images in, or html. One link only, to relevant web content, if you have to.

Posting hard copy press releases is just a way for agencies to make money by bumping up the postage and stationary costs. They always get binned. If you retain a PR or Marcomms agency that posts out press releases, it's ripping you off.

Once you've got some interest from journalists THEN you send out the press release. But don't fill it full of 'the world's leading' hyperbolic crap. Stick to the facts. Add in INTERESTING AND RELEVANT quotes, if you have to. Not 'We're delighted to...' stuff, or crap like that. Informative quotes that are relevant to a human interest angle to the topic at hand only. Company MDs or CEOs love having themselves quoted in press releases, but they generally don't have anything useful to say, other than how delighted or proud they are or whatever it is you're pushing. Which no one cares about. Find an angle, then write something for them which actually comments on affected issues in an interesting way. If there isn't anything worth saying, leave out the quote and let the product or service stand on its own.

DO NOT let them put their 'We're so proud... world's leading... dedicated team... delighted to...' crap in there. Journalists play quote bingo with press releases. Don't encourage them.

Don't be cute or clever. Don't use puns or cliches. Unless you're a genius like me and can write outstandingly brilliant ones.

If it's Business to Business or trade press that you've had the interest from, then you write the story for them, and put what you want in there, and DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY SALES TEAM'S CONTACT INFO.

If it's for general media, or consumer press, then the give the journo the basic facts and an UTTERLY OUTSTANDING IMAGE, saved as a hi-res jpg, and they'll write it themselves. Try and get a web address quoted - and for a retailer where someone can actually BUY the product from, not necessarily the actual company's address, if they make it, but dont' sell it. A journalist will bung in a good picture over and above anything else, so have some good ones. DON'T photoshop them, other than for general corrections or to tidy them up. Sticking your product in the hands of a model shot from an image library is outstandingly naff. Just don't do it.

Sticking to the above tricks will get you coverage worth hundreds of thousands in terms of the amount you would have to spend on advertising, to get the same number of column inches.

Further to this: If you want to get your product, or whatever, all over the Interwebs, then here's the trick for doing so:

Do your homework on blogs that cover the sector you're promoting. Pick one that's got fairly low traffic, but is quite niche. Contact the author. Offer him or her an exclusive first look. Give them a really nice picture. Send them a sample and tell them they can keep it. If they don't bite, try another, but if the blog's actually active, they always will. Make sure they include a web link, either to a retailer, or to your client's website (and remember, if you want people to buy something, and it's on sale already ALWAYS link to a retailer, not the manufacturer) Then when they've put their piece up, submit it as a link to digg, reddit, and also all of the other high traffic blogs which let their readers submit tips. Get a private email address and submit that sucker all over the place.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T08:43:46-08:00

Moar, as there seems to be a character limit:

You will get an existing blog story on something featured on bigger blogs and websites far more readily than you'll get a press release or if you approach them directly. That's just how the web works. It's fairly simple to play the game, and you can get about fifty grand's worth of advertising equivalent spend, just by taking an afternoon to follow blog links and doing a few bits of clicky.

Oh - another tip - if you're going to do this, then it's also worth SEO optimising your links. Try to get the original piece to include a link which actually features the product or company name in the link text. Often if you send them an HTML link that's already set up they'll cut and paste it into their feature, and then you've essentially got someone googlebombing for you, as you ...encourage... the spread of the feature around the web. Acutally, ALWAYS think about how to SEO any and all links you're releasing into the wild. It pays off.

Forget traditional PR and marketing tactics - the above is wisdom that will get your product, book, comic, band, worthy cause, interview, or whatever, a whole load of coverage for very little outlay.

Oh, and it actually is worth spending a grand or so on a PR database subscription. But don't let that be the ONLY thing you use. Build up your own contacts and nurture them.

A couple of other points:

TV programme researchers will blag samples of anything and everything you're offering. Make sure you're talking to an actual production assistant and discussing schedules when something will be likely to actually appear before sending out samples for TV coverage. However, if you're not far away and can deliver stuff to the set yourself, do it anyway as it's always fun to see what's going on and actually to chat to people you usually only email.

If there's a big trade show, you'll get far more interest from journalists who DON'T go than from ones that do, unless you're Apple or Sony. That is, if you offer (via the magic, polite one line email) to send them a cut down pdf version of your press pack directly, instead of expecting the journos that actually do attend to visit your stand or pick up a press pack from the show's press office which they will then ignore amongst all the other freebies and crap they've picked up. That way they can file a story and make it look as though they've been, when they haven't.

That's it, really. I could probably charge a fortune for holding a seminar to impart all that knowledge. It's yours, for free. Use it wisely.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T17:32:17-08:00

Nothing really innovative or new to add, but I toss this in anyway:

CAMPUS BOOKSTORE
-Business majors don't know where to find anything or how to listen. You have to tell them things seven or eight times to get them to understand. Education and Psychology majors only need to be told once. English, Philosophy, and History majors know how bookstores work, and thus don't need help.
-While working buy-backs or beginning-of-semester book sales, your limbs will want to fall off. You'll get used to it eventually. Just don't think about it, and buy lots of liquor.

CUSTARD SHOP
(don't laugh, some of this is applicable elsewhere.)
-Have more information about your product than anyone could want, and then use that to bore them into submission when they ask questions. Or, just make something up and say it in a knowledgeable, authoritative tone of voice.
-Never let the tip jar get too full if you can help it--if it's a slow night, leave a buck or two (as well as a fistful of nickels and pennies) in there and let people think what they will. Keep the rest out of sight, but never let a customer see you move them.
-If you're working at a Mom & Pop place, most of your customers will be fairly decent. If someone's fairly nice or not in a hurry, joke around with them some; this might increase the amount of tips you receive by about half. If someone is in a hurry, serve them as fast as humanly possible, and you might get the same bonus. If someone behaves in an unacceptable fashion, then don't worry about giving the wanker good service, they're obviously just fine with the bare minimum.
-The best way to mock someone on a cell phone is to immediately take your own out as soon as they get off. Look busy with it, and walk away for a few minutes.

GENERAL
-Working for a chain sucks, but can be a necessary evil. If possible, get a job at a locally-owned place where you've met the owner. Common sense, I know, but it needs to be reiterated.
-Never work a door-to-door job.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-16T23:49:14-08:00

@ robschamberger - That's pretty amazing. A lot of people have fantasies about what they'd do if someone pulled a gun on them, but actually dealing with a situation like that without messing up is quite an accomplishment. I had a suspicion that using dye packs and other marking/tracing methods wasn't necessarily a standardized response.

One last bit of advice from the pool: If you ever find yourself setting up a "wine and cheese" social, do what you have to do and get out, fast. Do not get sucked in and let people start talking to you. You will be trapped, fighting the urge to pull a Hannibal Lecter and bite a face off.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-17T05:06:44-08:00

Second-hand trade secrets from a petty crim I know:

1. These days almost the only things worth nicking are cash, jewelery and CDs. When DVD players can be had for $50 new who's going to to buy one down the pub?

2. If you are going to steal stuff other than the above, it's faster, easier, less risky (and carries a shorter sentence if you get caught) to steal from outside the house than inside. It's amazing what a bent nurseryman will pay for top quality orchids for example. There's also a pretty regular market in the building trade for good quality heavy duty wheel-barrows.

3. Loan sharks hate breaking legs. It's bad for repeat business and while you're laid up you're unlikely to be in a position to make payments. What's much more likely to happen is that two big guys will come over and have a friendly chat explaining that you can fork over the cash (including their fee) or they can go through everything you own taking anything of value (at roughly ten cents on the dollar on the second hand price.).

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-17T05:21:17-08:00

@Orwellseyes
you said: My girlfriend applied for a gig at a seemingly very decent comic shop (not a nerd lair constructed mainly out of Babylon 5 dolls) and the bulk of the interview consisted of the other employees leering at her and being stunned, STUNNED, that she read comics.
"Does your boyfriend read comics?"
"Uh...yes"
"So you read what he gives you?"
"No.I get my own stuff." and proceeded to rattle of creators she liked, runs she'd enjoyed and such.

She didn't get the gig, they hired some chatty fat bastard who smelled like corn nuts. They're loss, she's a cute workaholic bibliophile. And she's cute in an objective sense. I have graphs.

That's generally the reaction you get as a girlgeek in a "boy" store...

I'm a girl...I'm a cute girl..and I'm a cute girl who loves comics...I was amused as hell every day by the parade of boys who bought stuff just for an excuse to come up to the counter...our sales got even better when I got a cute girlfriend who was a videogame geek to work the counter too heh...

We did however have a chatty bastard to fulfill that comic book niche...not fat..but he's a bastard heh...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-17T19:24:57-08:00

This thread is incredible - I don't have a lot to offer, especially in terms of useful pro-tips, so I'll stick to a few observations:

Tax Clerk - I'm sorry! Yes, I do actually have to pay tax, working for the tax office does not exempt me from this. Please stop swearing.

Barman - I'm sorry! I'm not gay! I know, everyone else working here is, but I'm not! It's some kind of statistical inversion. Please tip!

Academic Library Research Assistant - I'm sorry! I'll help you find the two dozen references you need in the IUP papers, reprinting some of the earliest UK governmental papers as soon as I can, but this guy just asked me to help him find information about some 18th Century boxer who was accused of poisoning his wife and who died in disgrace, and we keep our sports archives including this cool 1900s three volume leather-bound boxing encyclopeadia in this bad-ass locked cage for some reason so I'm gonna go help him find that. Also they're probably online now. Please come back this afternoon!

Promoting gigs / Playing gigs - Pretty much covered already but worth re-iterating, please don't be a wanker!

Temp - I'm sorry! All you people seem to hate each other but I'm only working here for two weeks! Please stop trying to get me "on your side"!

Working for a Japanese Company - (I could actually go on for a long time about my current job but I'm going with discretion for now, because I've clearly signed a contract saying not to talk about it on the internet).

Seems to me that in any job the customer can get preferential treatment by not being an asshole. I'm going to keep trying that one!

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-17T21:36:15-08:00

i am unemployed, here are the tricks to the trade:

1. only appy for the minnimum number of jobs each week.

2. apply for jobs you are horribly unqualified for.

3. dont spellcheck your resume.

if you happen to get an interview:

1. dont iron your shirt.

2. act like a jerk.

thats pretty much it, also stay up saturday night and file for your unemployment just after midnight, the site will have less traffic and you will get your check sooner...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-18T01:27:21-08:00

This is a very, very good thread. Lots of useful information, to which I hope to add.

Cleaner (about a year, back in high school)
- Don't rely on window cleaning chemicals when cleaning mirrors or, indeed, windows. Most of them leave a nasty film on the glass, and the customer does not want that. Instead, use a little bit of a basic dishwashing liquid (about one teaspoon for five litres of water). There's no film on the glass, it's clean and shiny, and the customer is happy.
- If you're an office cleaner, work either very early hours, very late hours, or weekends. The less people are in the offices at the same time as you, the less homicidal you feel. Also, make sure to get to know at least the secretary of the firm, as well as that one guy who just happens to be a workaholic. By knowing the secretary you'll get valuable information about what's happening in the offices (big events, etc.) which allows you to prepare a little better than the 'Oh we're having an office party today' -phonecall you might get in the morning. Also, the secretary is a valuable ally should any trouble arise. As for that workaholic guy (or gal)? If you're on good terms with them, chances are that when you're working, they're also working and might do some cool stuff like bring you refreshments or help with that really big pile of paper garbage you need to move...
- Above all, make sure that the boss's boss has a good impression of you. Trust me, this comes in handy when the problems with paychecks begin.

Customer Service Rep (at various directory assistances, about year and a half of experience so far)
- Sound professional and authoritative. It reassures the customer and stops most complaints.
- Anything and everything that you might know will be useful.
- Research experience of any sort is always, always a plus. Especially if you're the kind of researcher that knows what to look for and how to find it from half a word. The customers are notoriously bad at knowing any specifics of what they're looking for, so having research skills, or any investigating skills, comes in handy.
- Never ever panic. When the customer on the line is calling in the middle of the nightshift and crying hysterically because they've been assaulted/raped/dying, panicking is the worst thing you can do. Instead, maintain a list of emergency services all over the country. All you need to do is find out where she is and direct her call to the nearest emergency service.
- Be polite to the elderly. Chances are that they are calling your service because they are lonely. Make sure they know how much the phonecall costs, then try to get them off the line politely. If you can, direct the call to their family member's/friend's/support group's number.
- Knowing languages helps with international clients. It helps with national clients as well.

That's my two cents, really. I've worked at a major cellphone company, compiling and testing cellphones, but I can't and don't really want to talk about it too much. I've also worked as a bouncer, but most things that I have to say about that have been already said.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-19T16:23:46-08:00

A couple more from retail:

1. The primary rule of retail is if people can't see it, they won't buy it. So there's a roughly 99% chance that we don't have "more out the back". This is doubly true at conventions where we don't even have an "out the back".

2. Sometimes, very rarely, we will hold back one or two copies of the most highly sought after book of the day for special customers. Frankly, if you need to ask, you probably aren't one of the special customers.

3. Comic shop specific - if you have a standing order and we fill it correctly and you fail to pick it up for weeks or months then we will want to kill you. If when you finally show up, you put half the comics on hold back for bullshit reasons (like "I changed my mind"/ "can;t afford it"/"bought it elsewhere", try not to bitch about the cost of the books you do actually pick up and definitely refrain from telling us you're our best customer.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-19T20:03:43-08:00

hey, question for the computer folk- since im usually on at work, what are some basic things to do to cover my trail? i know i cant wipe it 100%, but im curious if there are some simple things that i dont already know about because im an idiot with computers...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-19T20:36:49-08:00

joe - as one layman on the internet at work to another, if you're using Firefox all you should need to do is go Tools -> Clear Private Data, tick every box and then hit Clear Private Data Now, and that should do it.

Also uninstalling Firefox when you're not on the computer is useful, so nobody else sees it and goes 'why is there another browser installed?'.
I use IExplorer for work stuff and Firefox for non-work stuff.

Anyway, whilst I think I know a lot more about computers than everyone else that works in my company, if there is anything else I can do over-and-above what I already mentioned I'd be glad of the advice.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-19T21:12:52-08:00

You could also try installing PortableApps on a hard drive and plug it into your work computer: it provides a separate application loadout to work from which never enters the computer in the first place so when you eject the HD, you're golden.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-19T21:36:12-08:00

@ ENGINE

ZOh My God, that is amazing.

I guess there would be limitations, like games that require sound & video drivers, but for your basic work time wasting it's brilliant. Now I just need to buy a portable hard drive and scour the work HDD clean.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T02:34:14-08:00

@joe.distort -

Read back a few posts - you specifically want a collection called the WinPenPack and a 2 or 4 GB pen drive depending on what size you get. Optionally encrypt it, but to mount an encrypted drive you need to have Administrator on the machine you are using.

First, this caveat - you can never completely trust a machine you don't control. There could always be a keystroke logger installed that records everything you type. This is the worse case scenario. If you really can't afford to be without the job and you can't trust the computer, then don't screw around. If your company has an Acceptable Use policy, know what it is.

That being said, the ultimate trade secret for IT folks about how to get away with stuff at work is this - we CAN know everything about what you're doing on the computer, but most of the time we don't want to be bothered. Its a lot of work, mostly boring, and we hate having to bust people. Keeping track of stuff people are doing generates an ass-ton of data, so what you want to do is make sure you don't stand out.

This mostly means don't abuse the data service by doing streaming radio, streaming video, downloading huge and/or copyrighted files, or installing stuff on the computer that might lead to compromise such as pirated software. If you just want to have some leisure time, check your personal email and Whitechapel and so on, then using Firefox off of a portable drive is a good bet.

However. Ultimately no matter what you can get away with on your machine, remember IT also owns the data connection and can see everywhere you are going if they are so inclined. To really get around this, you need to use some sort of what's called a proxy server to get around the company firewall, or bring your own data connection such as on your cell phone. A good technique, if a little advanced, is to install your own proxy server on a home machine (Freeproxy by Hand Crafted Software works well) and open it up - carefully - to your company's IP address, or use VPN software to connect to your home network. You can also find lists of "open proxy servers" on the Internet. The proxy server settings get plugged into your browser.

When you use a proxy server, all of your requests actually get sent out through the proxy, not your local machine, so all that shows up in the firewall logs is that you were talking to a proxy. A VPN connection is even better, as it is fully encrypted. Many commercial home routers (Linksys) support a VPN connection, but again you need to have permissions on your work machine in order to install the VPN connection software.

The ultimate best strategy is to have a good cell phone with a data connection and to do all of your personal activity on the phone. But should you have enough permissions on your work machine, remember the combination of an (encrypted) thumb drive, WinPenPack, and VPN software + a proxy server. Ultimately your very keystrokes may be logged, so don't be too confident, but stay casual and don't attract attention and you will likely get lost in the noise. Most importantly, though, once you have established a secure routine, maintain discipline and don't get tripped up by how apparently easy it is. Always use your encrypted or portable solution to access anything non-work related - all it takes is one thumbnail image or browser history entry to get caught.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T04:13:06-08:00

@Christobel:

Eons ago I worked at a car dealership, in suburban Houston TX, one summer as a Car Porter, meaning I drove the cars from the front lot to the mechanics and back, and cleaned and vacuumed them too ("sucking the farts out of car seats"). After chatting with the mechanics I learned how the dealer handled repairs.

The mechanics were all independent contractors and they had to bring their own tools (and probably rented the repair bays). The repairs were essentially piecework. The dealer paid them a flat rate ($38/hr then; customer was charged $50 I think), but had a book that allotted a set time for every job. Did the dealer eat repairs of cars under warranty? Did they hell. They took it out of the mechanics, not by lowering the paid rate (they couldn't) but making them use the "Warranty Book" which lists the jobs but allots only half the time per job. Kaching!

Hence the dealer's unofficial name, N____ Fraud.

But I suspect this was industry-wide.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T07:21:01-08:00

thanks guys! yeah, im pretty much doing the minimum right now, but my boss doesnt care what i do when she does see it because a) im extremely good at my job, so she cant bitch that im behind and b)i dont download shit/stream music all day, etc etc etc. like some of the careless idiots i work with.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T07:36:10-08:00

^ yeah - the smartest IT departments take the approach that computer use is an H.R. issue, and if the employee is doing their job, then there isn't a problem so long as they don't make it one.

Sometimes I've printed out the entire list of "suspect" URL's that I can view at the firewall, without IP addresses or user names attached. I have then posted this in the breakroom with a "Big Brother is watching you" message. Once it becomes clear that we know what is going on but don't wish to make it an issue, peer pressure very often sorts any problems by itself.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T11:20:11-08:00

This one (I think) still applies to any job in Britain where you might be required to show I.D:

If little jimmy buys an 18 rated film, or some alcohol, and the police finds out - it's the individual employee who gets fined, not the company. So yes, fuzzy chinned youth, I will risk offending you rather than getting hit for a few grand.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T12:54:07-08:00

My personal experience working in a porn shop/novelty store:

-Most of us don't care of you're under 18. We only ask for cards if you're giggling like an idiot at the toys or being a bastard. If you look 18 we'll leave you alone, unless the boss is in, then we card you.
-We are (mostly) not druggies, nymphos, or freaks. Most of us are probably college students who thought it would be an easy/fun job. Most porn shops are open late, have no dress code, and very little foot traffice. It's a great place to study and do homework.
-No, we will not 'try on' that toy you want to buy your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever.
-We sold a lot of stuff to ship overseas to Iraq to soldiers. The #1 thing we sold were one time use disposable masturbation tubes for men.
-Yes, we talk about you and occasionally laugh at what you bought once you leave.
-That $100+ dollar toy we sold you? We lied, it's probably no better than the cheap one. I worked on commission and could really care less about your wallet or personal pleasure.
-Don't ask me what my favorite DVD is. I sell this shit for a living, the last thing I want to do when I go home is watch more.
-We would purposely sell weird or bad DVD's to people, just to see if we could.
-Don't ask out, proposition, or offer to pay a clerk. Depending on how bad you are, we may call the police.
-If you're a regular, you have a nickname based on what you buy.
-We don't recognize you outside of the shop unless you act weird around us, then we might remember you. But usually not, so relax a bit.
-We have probably taken your toy out of the box at some point in time and handled it in some way (not in THAT way), probably to show a customer, which means it's been held in strange hands. Make sure you wash it before you use it.
-We know you're buying that glass pipe to smoke weed, so you don't need to wink when you say tobacco. Also, when you call them crack pipes we think you're stupid.
-Don't try to return body flush because you used it and still failed your drug test. You're a moron.
-Never, EVER buy batteries in a porn shop. We insanely mark up the prices cause we know you probably won't buy them and will end up getting AA's out of your remote otherwise.
-Please don't tip us, that's just tacky.
-The flirting? Yeah, that's just to make you buy more stuff. I don't like you, and chances are you kind of gross me out.
-Occasionally, we actually do want to help you out. Usually if you're a shy guy/gal trying to do something nice for your significant other, and we can usually tell who you are before you say a word.
-Don't use disgusting slang for body parts. Just because you're in a porn shop, doesn't make it ok. I have asked people to leave for being excessively vulgar.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T14:16:03-08:00

@ Nolaa this blog might be right up your alley

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T18:14:42-08:00

Current trade secrets:

Awards/design
-You can scream all day that you gave us exact Pantone/CMYK/RGB information but nothing looks like it did on your screen. You have no idea what you were looking at anyways because your monitor isn't color calibrated properly (or at all). If you're dropping a significant amount of money then your name will be cursed unless you look at it in person, because elsewise something just isn't "they way I imagined it." If you don't, don't bitch.
-We suggest fonts/layout/color for a reason. Your artsy fonts suck ass & look horrible even on your laptop, let alone $200+ piece (before letter/time costs)
-Just because I'm self taught, doesn't mean I don't know most of the same tricks pro designers use. if you do know anything about design & layout, don't tell me how to do my job since you know nothing about the methods/machines I have.
-If you're contacting any other business regarding graphics anything & can't supply in the requested filetype/resolution then don't be surprised when we "offer" to create your logo. It'll end up being over half the cost of the work, and you will never get a copy of the file. The worst violator sent a photocopied & then scanned (for added lack of quality goodness) image of the logo from company letterhead. It was cropped in MS Paint & was only 32x32 pixels. Given a 600dpi process, we needed at least 2000x2000 pixel image to start with if we weren't going to vectorize the logo.
-Christmas sucks. Valentine's Day sucks. January really sucks.
-We are 4 blocks away from a doughnut/pastry store & 7 blocks away from yet another doughnut/pastry place. Such donations do help when you forgot your event that you knew about for 4 months. You're still getting a rush charge though, but at least we'll be too sugared up to fuck with you.

Computer repair & tech, adding to the book already here.
-dd (the Unix tool) is a wonderful thing. I can copy a whole drive & look for incriminating evidence in my spare time. Paired with a loopback device I routinely do things that make me look like a god to the less knowledgable techs.
-When I did it for a living, if I repaired your system & found ANY traces of P2P software on your system I tacked on at least a 50% charge on top. This was to discourage you from doing it again unless you took the time to learn what you were doing.
-Burnt cat urine + orange juice is the most rancid thing I've ever smelled outside of a landfill that didn't involve a dead animal/person.
-Never ask a tech to look for the evidence of your spouse/SO cheating on you.
-Never ask a tech to hide evidence of a crime. Take a drill press to the hard drive yourself.
-Never give your child a digital camera/webcam before the age of 18. Sooner or later they will record themselves in an intimate situation. Murphy's law extends & says that if this is on a computer connected to the 'net that said evidence will end up being spread around by the kinds of people that make comic book nerds look like great conversationalists with an active social life.
-Never ask what the strangest things I saw were. I still have the cards for a dozen different detectives/agents in my wallet several years later.
-IT consultants will use your company systems/LAN as a toy for themselves. I've found all kinds of ftp/bittorrent installs. We "stole" a NAS drive that one guy installed in our building so he could hide his porn collection. It is now one of the parts of our nightly backups. The old adage is still true; no matter how fat the network pipe, nothing really beats a of .
-The first step in diagnosing almost any hardware problem is verify/replace the power supply.
-Most software problems clear up once the tech looks at it because they're PEBKAC errors.

Misc.
-More then a few horse farms (& other farms) have a bit of a black trade involving bestiality.
-Most of the adult video stores I've been in were quite clean & nicer then a Blockbuster. This surprised me since one of my first contracts was to maintain the 5 systems for a local store back when Windows NT was still not that old. Also surprising was they were one of the few contracts that never had a problem paying. Even if money was tight they always had my checks on time or before.
-Never walk in a 24-hour Wal-Mart between midnight & sunrise.
-Never curse about anyone in sales in another language while in their presence. You'd be surprised how many fragments of other languages some Americans already know.
-As above, but in social situations. Lines like "Get her away from her boyfriend & whisper in Spanish that you want to fuck her in the ass. Her panties will be dripping wet." tend to have a certain psychic vibe.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T19:43:23-08:00

To be contradictory:

The best time to go into any store that's open at the ungodly hour of before sunrise is before sunrise. The only people that are there are the cleaning crew (maybe), the vendors, and the stock crew. While most of them look like creepers, they're working at before-sunrise-thirty, and are socially inept and will go out of their way to not bother you. Usually the cashiers that work these shifts are generally amiable. Therefore you can get in, get your shit, talk to one person for 30 seconds, and get the fuck out. I love any store that's open 24 hours.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T19:51:15-08:00

Unemployment
- If you're looking for work, dress as though you were going to work. Even if you're just making phone calls or sending out cover letters. If you're not looking for work - For God's sake, at least wash and shave.
- Get off the internet and get out of your home once a day. Otherwise you'll turn into a CHUD.
- Do something that gives a schedule to your week. Buy lottery tickets, join a writer's group, play RPGs, whatever. Just do something that reminds you there's a difference between Saturday and Tuesday.
- Lattes are expensive. Buy a cheap coffee, dump out half to two-thirds of it, and top it up with milk and sugar. There are enough calories in that mix to get you through about four hours of moderate physical labour.
- Groceries - Bread, porridge, milk or milk substitute, frozen vegetables, one piece of fruit a day, chicken or pork once a week. Consider everything else to be a luxury.
- Yes, drink is a luxury.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T21:38:30-08:00

to be contradictory to rickiep00h's contradiction:
last time i was in a walmart that late, they were playing the chicken dance over the loudspeaker (or whatever it's called... there's a trade secret i'd like to know). the chicken dance. and heavy set customers were dancing to it.
shit gets weird.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-20T21:50:52-08:00

...that's surreal. I surrender.

Heebie jeebies.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T00:23:54-08:00

From the insular world of law librarianship:

- English law is old. Online databases are not. The chances are that if the date of the case you want is before, say, 1994, the lower the chance of it being on an online database and the higher the chance that you will, actually, have to look in a book. The horror. If it's before 1945, it definitely won't be online. And it will still be good law.

- Yes, you do have to have a post-graduate qualification to be a fully qualified librarian. Yes, I have a Masters. And a bachelors degree. I didn't just drop out of school with my GCSEs. Implying so will make it extremely unlikely that I'll rank your query high when I'm being hammered for time.

- No, I didn't become a librarian so I could read books. If that was the case, I wouldn't be working in law now, would I? (Oooh, a book on the laws of trusts! Thrilling!)

- If you don't sign the books out, I can't track 'em. Therefore, if you want to see less recall notes in your email, sign the damn books out. (see also: don't kvetch at me if you can't find a book on the shelf because the lawyer who borrowed it hasn't signed it out.)

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T03:50:25-08:00

Halcyon, a friend of mine worked in the Law library of the Supreme Court of my state, they suffered regular thefts of key reference works - sometimes finding them back in the stacks months later stained, battered or with pages torn out.

Nothing they did could stop the thefts - until they installed a tag reader on the corridor leading to the private elevator used by Justices and their staff. The thefts stopped immediately.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T04:01:21-08:00

@Kosmopolit I would love nothing more than to have a tag system on my books but right now I work in a law firm and that's never going to happen. Plus, as they work longer hours than I do and the library is quite isolated, no one will notice the tag reader going beep beep when they take a book out at 9pm. Baaah.

Thankfully no one has damaged a book yet (although a friend of mine in another firm got a book back yesterday that had been highlighted to buggery. should she find which lawyer had it, they will be wishing they'd never been born.) I have instilled a sense of fear in most of them. Heh.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T04:10:40-08:00

You'd love the set-up at the Court building - the public elevator goes directly to and from the ground floor (the intervening floors are closed ot the general public). If you take a book out that way an alarm doesn't ring - a light comes on on the ground floor and you're met by an armed security guard when the lift doors open.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T04:39:33-08:00

The law section of Trinity College Dublin was famous for students ripping cases out of the texts.

Fucking losers.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T04:46:18-08:00

Ah. I've learned another one. All by myself.

When you deliver services which people need to be alive, you need them to trust you.

If you fail to make them trust you, they will be a pain in the ass. If you can't regain their trust or pass them on to someone who does have their trust, then you WILL bend over and take the resultant constant whining, begging, grandstanding, attempts at bribery, second-guessing, insults, impossible demands, unreasonable schemes and pure, free-flowing stupidity that results. Because in their mind, they are FIGHTING for their life, or that of their loved ones. They're not just being obnoxious to fuck with your day. If you can't do that, apply for a job at McDonalds instead.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-21T18:27:40-08:00

Its currently Sunday where I am, and I had an hour of work to do this morning so I don't have to start early tomorrow, and OF COURSE when I got in the answering machine had a new batch of messages from people ringing up for estimates outside of business hours. Here's a free tip for anyone trying to get a quote from ANY trade -- if you get the answering machine and you're going to leave a message for someone to call you back, SLLLOOOOOWW DOOOOOWWWWWN. Rattling off your phone number in a single breath without any pause at all between the numbers means I have to replay your entire message three or four times before I manage to write down the whole thing and be sure I got it correct. This leaves me very much less inclined to call you back any time soon. Or at all.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T06:04:25-08:00

I am in the position of having my Secrets be mostly of the overly technical, or from the less interesting side of the transaction. I do computer things, but not in the way that would ever get me access to your porn stash. If eurohackers have owned your server and turned it into a ftp dump, I may see that, but not at the consumer level that previous commenters have mentioned. None the less, here's a few things that some people might find interesting.

Software Development, for software people.
- I know, commenting your code when you're on a roll is a pain. The reasons your professors or bosses give you is a bunch of bunk, but look at it this way: If you had the choice between getting an emergency call while on vacation or not, which would you choose? Often times, a quick explanation of what a piece of your code is doing is the difference between someone else being able to handle an issue (or at least be able to rule your code out as the source of the problem.) So, try to find a sweet spot between writing function header code as long as the function and writing nothing at all. I've found that what works for me is that every time I think to myself "Oh, that's clever..." I comment it. Often those things are merely clever if you understand everything that's going on but cross the line to inscrutable for someone who's diving into the source to try to put out a fire.

Business Travel When You're A Hired Nerd And Not A Bitter Businessman
- As all sorts of people have pointed out, don't be a dick. "The Help" have various ways of making your life shit. And for longer term stays, they have more time to get sick of your ass, as well as fuck with you.

- Seriously. Car services rule. I always just thought of them as expensive cabs, but they're so much more. The drivers are usually more open to telling stories, and will actually use the climate control of their cars to make you as comfortable as possible. I imagine that there's a class of people who're So Over car services, but I recently stopped declining them from customers and I'm hooked. I always turned them down because I wanted the freedom to take a cab somewhere I wanted to go from the airport and then figure out how to get to my hotel later. But really, they're trained to make you feel special. It's probably sad that I consider an air conditioned car in Texas or a heated car in Boston's winter decadent.

- If the customer is already signed up to pick up your room and tax, the hotel will still try to take down your credit card number. For the love of shit, do not give it to them. Depending on the length of stay, cost of the room and the hotel set up, you may find yourself with a hold on your card for the full amount until a day after you check out and the customer has actually put up the funds. Often, you'll be told that this is entirely essential, there's no way around it, etc. They're lying because they're supposed to. This is what you do: tell them to turn every chargeable service off to your room. That's why they're supposed to insist that they get a card. The hotel wants you to watch White Trash Whores 8 and get room service. Just tell them that you intend to use cash or card at the hotel restaurant, don't intend to use anything that would have to be billed to the room. The other upside of this is that you're insulated from the classic hotel fuck up of having something mistakenly billed to your room, since you told them to make it impossible for anything to be billed to your room.

- During the "Where will you be putting me up while I'm there?" stage of things, check if the hotel your client wants you to stay in has free internet. If it only has a couple of Courtesy Computers in a business center, it's probably a high-end hotel. On the high end, charging for internet access isn't a competitive disadvantage since the customer will either pay $15 per day without blinking or will pass the charge on to someone else. Middle and low level hotels still compete on that. I won't say that "high end" hotels are the way to go (I've stayed in nicer Holiday Inns than the Newark Penn Station Hilton, but in all fairness...Newark.) but right now that's a quick gauge for the newbie.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T06:05:54-08:00

(Shit, what software are we running here? I want to dive in and have the Preview tell if you've violated the character limit, as opposed to just submit. I mean...preview...that's what these things are for, right?)

Extended notes on Business Drinking (AKA, Being A Nice Person in Style)
- If you're staying at a hotel that's centered around business travel, damn near everyone is tipping between 12.5 and 20%. On anything. Mostly the staff aren't getting stiffed, but no customers are standing out. If you're stuck in a hotel in the middle of an office park in suburban Dallas, you'll probably be regularly spending time eating / drinking in the hotel. If you want incredible service for the evening, go in and get a couple of drinks. Let's say it's about $10. Get your check and tip 'em $5. Go take care of the shit you need to do after a day of working remotely, write a status email to your office, call your wife, whatever. Go back, get your dinner and a few more drinks. At the end, make sure you tip 20%. Repeat daily and you're pretty much maxing out the service-meter.

The key here is that in business-centric situations, everyone is putting shit on their expense account. They're generally approved to tip between 15% and 20%, depending on circumstances. Even if you're on an expense account, or can invoice customers for incidentals, or whatever, $5 in your own cash can make the difference between you being another check-list schmuck served in order, and someone the staff slip free beers to, or let keep drinking during their clean up, or walk past a group of trashed life insurance salesmen who've been waiting a while to serve first the moment you walk in, etc. And frankly, business travel can be incredibly fucking boring, so just asking bartenders about their jobs and the shit they see (For the love of God, when it's slow as shit and too early for them to be going through their checklists, don't be the chatter guy when they start stowing their limes and washing their blenders) can be a great way to learn things and get bonus points.

- Do you see those comment cards? Something like 99% of them are used by angry people. That means that positive ones really get noticed. Seriously, you're on first name basis with the hotel bar staff after being a bored and restless pain in the ass for two weeks in a city you despise and if you've dealt with good people, it's time to give back. Take names. Write them a kick ass comment card. Use hotel industry language like "focused on service" and "made me feel at home" and "went out of their way to go above and beyond in the spirit of service." Not that last one, though. The thing to keep in mind here is that you can make someone's day simply by telling them that you wrote them an awesome comment card, much less when their manager finally gives them props or they can use it in raise negotiations.

Now, this is where you can walk the tight rope between sweet customer and manipulative asshole. I actually have ambiguous feelings about this when I do it, even though I do actually tip well, write people nice comment cards, etc. I'll be interested to see if anyone in the hospitality can clarify whether I'm a flaming douche-nozzle. If you fill a comment card out part way into your stay, you'll often find a treat in your room in a day or two. Last time for me was a heaping bowl of mixed nuts and a couple cans of soda sitting in half-melted ice. Simply mention that this happened and that it must have been from your comment card. Ears will perk up all over, questions will be asked. Tell them quite honestly that you thought they were excellent, that you knew that only pissed off people use those cards, so you wrote a nice one for them. You are now the hero, and will get the really *good* stories about the behavior of those white-collar bastards you're nominally a member of. The shit they didn't say before because you were an admittedly a decently tipping Them, as opposed to quasi-Us.

That's all for now.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T11:17:33-08:00

@Adam - if you get the answering machine and you're going to leave a message for someone to call you back, SLLLOOOOOWW DOOOOOWWWWWN

THANK YOU, yes. This applies to EVERYONE.
For the love of god people, you may know your phone number backwards and forwards, but I do not.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T13:17:32-08:00

i am a smut peddler.

i have a hammer for special occasions, such as: people who try to steal from me, people who try to jerk off in my store, and people who ask me for beastiality, and people who try to return used sex toys.

we sell penis enlargement pills that never work, for around 10x what they cost us.

generally the longer a dvd is the shittier the quality, both of video and of the performers.

buying 2 regular, and 1 tranny dvd and then saying it's a gag for a bachelor party isn't fooling anyone.

also, buying tranny porn and telling me you're not gay... makes you kind of gay.

generally most porn stars have herpes or genital warts, or both, and personally that makes them severely less fuckable...

i never really see women in here and they're generally old and unattractive when i do.

i do about 45 minutes to an hour of actual work in a 10 hour work day.

we buy dvds for pennies on the dollar. i think our customers would have nervous breakdowns if they really knew how much porn costs. i.e. $49.00 dvd = $15.00

contrary to what some might believe it is not amusing to explain how to use anal beads, lube, and butt plugs to people. it is awkward and annoying.

i don't give a fuck about customer service because 1. customers don't have anyone to complain to, 2. people don't really care about customer service in a porn shop, they want anonymity and to not be remembered. 3. i don't really like 90% of the customers that come into my store because they are obnoxious, greasy, cheap, perverted fuckheads.

seeing teachers from my old high school buying imported japanese porno almost makes my job worth it.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T14:44:23-08:00

In Graphic Design, you normally get what you pay for skills wise.

Any graphic designer who can't organise print ready artwork, or doesn't understand BASIC colour theory or printing jargon is NOT a graphic designer.

The amount of money spent by people having to have designs and artwork fixed by me (when its originally done by cousin Jenny's son who can do this for nothing for me) is scary. It would of been cheaper for you to have it done by me in the first place.

Giving me an image you stole off the internet as the image you want printed on your business card is wrong on so many levels. Have you never heard of copyright?

Standard design contract with client normally states we OWN the rights and copyright to the design UNTIL you pay for it. So shopping the design around to other people to do the artwork cheaper is going to make me sue you.

If you hire a designer, LISTEN to what we say about the design. Just because you like the colours purple and orange, does not mean they go together. And then when you change the layout totally and add three times the text you originally specified, don't complain it looks different and not as good as the first concept you were sent.

And calling me on the phone to do a quick change gets you charged the same if you had just emailed me, and it can piss me off when you do it thirty times a day. Expect to see it in your bill, all charged in minimum fifteen minute lots.

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T17:38:30-08:00

I'm an EFL teacher in Japan, been so for about 8.5 years. So I've racked up some good ones....

If you're teaching English:

Your textbook probably sucks. Feel free to adapt and modify lessons.

If there's something you want to teach and your textbook doesn't have a lesson for it, make it yourself. The EFL fairy isn't going to come.

If you see another teacher do something awesome, ask them about what they did. We're an incestuous group, and so long as you don't have overlapping students, most teachers are willing to share ideas.

Like most human beings, your students will want maximum return for minimum effort. Most of your students expect that they'll improve simply by coming to class once a week. Disabuse them of this notion as soon as possible.

"It's the students' fault," is not an acceptable excuse when a lesson goes badly. You're a professional - act like it.

Know your godsdamned grammar. Students will ask the most arcane questions, and you either need to know the answer or know how to find out. "Because" is not an answer.

You're not getting paid enough not to have fun.

If you're learning English:

Take control of your own learning. There's no such thing as "English by osmosis."

The world is your textbook - there are a million ways you can study outside the classroom.

Grammar isn't everything. You may know the future perfect passive cold, but that doesn't make you a better speaker.

You won't be a better speaker unless you speak. All the book learnin' in the world won't make speaking easier.

Study what interests you, or what you need. If you're not a businessperson, don't bother with the business meeting lessons right now. If you don't think you'll ever have to order home repairs, don't put that high on your study list.

There's no reason learning English has to be boring. Find ways to make it interesting.

Your teacher is tired. Bring him or her chocolates from time to time.

That last one is really important....

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T18:24:18-08:00

@Mshades I've never taught English to Japanese people but I have had several run-ins with people who have University qualifications; write English more proficiently than many native-speakers - and have difficulty saying more than "Sank you."

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-22T19:49:04-08:00

@Nick-Sydney
It does my soul good to hear other designers bring up the points you did. Amen, brother, been there, done those, had some done to me...

Tell Us Your Trade Secrets

2009-02-23T02:49:39-08:00

And another addendum to the Graphic Designer tips - if you're a freelancer, then actually charge what you're WORTH. I mean it. You might have some potential clients walk away, but those ones are unequivocal cheapskates who will bleed you dry and end up having you do twice the amount of work for them than they're paying for. You have to educate these people about how much design actually costs, and that footstamping isn't going to get them quality work any cheaper.