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    •  
      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.1)
    First of all, let me state right up front that I am bad with women. Wait, no - I am good with women, but I am bad at "pulling the trigger"... ie getting phone numbers, bedding them, etc etc. Last night, I am at this party, and this girl is with her friends. I am with my friends. Our friends talk. We talk. She is hot. I am a nerd.

    Now, normally Hot girls + Nerds = Awkward Conversations That Go Nowhere And Waste Everyone's Time. But unbelievably, not tonight! As luck would have it, this hot girl is actually really into horror movies... As am I. It turns out she's a special effects artist, and is currently making fake human organs for her job. I am blown away. But do I get a phone number? Of course not. However, as she's leaving, she tells me to get her number from my friend. I am intrigued.

    So provided I get the number, waht do I do and when do I do it? I can't stand real dates... They're just so awkward and boring. Going to a movie is sitting in the dark with a stranger and not talking. Drinks mean me getting rip roaring drunk and making an ass of myself. Museum? No. Paintball shooting? Too cold outside. This is where I run into trouble.

    Come on, White Chapel. Help me out here.
  1.  (496.2)
    ...well, at least it's in the Zoo, I suppose...
  2.  (496.3)
    Come on, White Chapel. Help me out here.


    Step 1 - Go to the bathroom

    Step 2 - Get a razor blade.

    Step 3 - Cut your wrists

    Step 4 - Wait
  3.  (496.4)
    Rohypnol!
  4.  (496.5)
    10 points to Andre
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008 edited
     (496.6)
    Once I read this, I just smiled and thought "Get 'im, boys". I'm glad I wasn't disappointed.

    My advice? Kill a squirrel, gut it, and mail it to her with a note written in your own blood. And don't forget to include a condom with the whole thing. Take it from me, girls LOVE that sort of thing.
    • CommentAuthoracacia
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.7)
    Most dates these days begin with tea followed by anal sex. If you mention this to her right off the bat, I am certain she'll be so impressed by your Whitechapel-induced hipness that she'll skip the tea and help you pull the trigger. Good luck!
  5.  (496.8)
    10 points acacia and robin.
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      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.9)
    I'm not sure that would work... I mean, have you ever tried to catch a squirrel? Those little fuckers are fast!!
  6.  (496.10)
    You bribe them with food to get them close, much as one does with women. Have you tried that?
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      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.11)
    Also, it seems a little presumptuous to go right for the poop chute, no? I mean... If that's what you guys think I should do...
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008 edited
     (496.12)
    @Viceroy: what about a puppy? Women love gutted puppies.

    And I do believe that's 10 points to Mr. Ellis.
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      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.13)
    @ Warren - Yes! But they bite! The women, I mean...
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      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.14)
    I don't want to mess up my knives, and puppies are too hard to drown! Harder than you'd think, at least.
  7.  (496.15)
    The funniest thing, of course, is that Viceroy joined just to ask this question...
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      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.16)
    HA HA HA HA HA.

    Yes.
  8.  (496.17)
    Also, it seems a little presumptuous to go right for the poop chute, no?


    You're still trying to get the girl on a date. Worry about that later.
    • CommentAuthoracacia
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.18)
    "Poop chute"? Oh dear, now I feel awkward.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.19)
    No one calls it a poop chute anymore. I believe the correct term is "anal-love pussy".
    •  
      CommentAuthorViceroy
    • CommentTimeJan 13th 2008
     (496.20)
    Sorry acacia... I meant to say "Excrement Expulsion Back-Mouth".

    God, WHY ARE GIRLS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME??!?

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