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Blogs: Vent (been awhile)

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  1.  (6912.1)
    So...

    I have, objectively, the best job I have ever had. I enjoy (most, well 3 out of 4 at least) classes. I have arranged time to try and kill free time with a sharp object to the neck.

    Seeing a good therapist, working with anxiety/depression meds.

    Yet...

    Still angry and miserable a incredible percentage of the time. And getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like that.

    Sigh...
  2.  (6912.2)
    Awesome about the job. Saw you mention that on open mic the other day. Give yourself time, sounds like you're moving in the right direction.
  3.  (6912.3)
    I agree with Mark. Keep going, you're on the right track. My method is to bury myself with projects so I won't overthink my psychological problems and it seems you're doing something similar (and, most importantly, on a job you like).

    With me, it works right up until my bloody mother decides to talk about it in an effort to help me and her idea of doing that is trying to convince me I've got a problem. When my way of solving psychological problems is to avoid self-pity and stop thinking about them as problems so they'll eventually go away, that's what time does (other than making me realize I'm late for something).

    Ah, family.
  4.  (6912.4)
    Yeah, I actually get to write contracts, issue spot and fix, and generally legal trouble shoot on a NOW NOW NOW issue basis. It is very fun, and by far the times of the week I am happiest.

    Well fun for a given value of what a lawyer thinks is fun.
  5.  (6912.5)
    The great irony for me is what I am trying to work on is not fixating on bad shit I can't change, or getting past my own magical thinking fallacy issues of "things can still be repaired" on subjects that rationally I know I just have to move on from and forget about. And stop giving people who certainly don't worry, or even think about me, mental energy in my neurosis and fears.

    Trying to relax. That was the big quiet moment last week. My admitting I have not felt relaxed in months. Not without help of some sort anyway. It is quite distressing to realize you can name the exact last day you felt relaxed and unconcerned. Which for me was one day around the 2nd week of May. I mean I am energized and happy at work, but it is a tense active energy (and why I work more and more hours right now). I am focused and attentive in class. But relaxed? At peace personally?

    No...not so much. I need to stop fixating on the bad shit that has happened, find a way to relax in my own head, so what do I do since Thursday when this was the chief subject of my session?

    Fixate on my social anxiety, my depression over a number of events, my mix of guilt and anger, and then run around in little mental anxiety circles.

    I mean, a friend made a passing comment tonight, a very innocent one and harmless one, and I almost had an anxiety attack as a result of it running me right into the above shit.
    There was nothing is this comment that should have caused that reaction either, it was simply a matter of my efforts to try not to mull on things all weekend seem to have resulted in the exact opposite.

    Like trying not to think of Pink Elephants.

    Or not to think of Jaberwockeys to use a joke that has no context here.

    So, I am hopping this represents a quiet enough corner of the internet where I can still use it like this to try and at least get this shit out of my head so I can get back to sleep.
  6.  (6912.6)
    I mean I am energized and happy at work, but it is a tense active energy (and why I work more and more hours right now). I am focused and attentive in class. But relaxed? At peace personally?

    do you reach a point after expending so much energy at work and school where you have to spin down mentally?
  7.  (6912.7)
    I go right from high tension in a good way to personal anxiety without passing go. It takes me less then 15 minutes from leaving work or school to feel screw ball usually.

    I really am a bundle of nerves as long as I am awake.

    Since both my personal physician and therapist felt I would be better off without the Ambian, don't have sleep meds to help bridge the gap anymore either,
  8.  (6912.8)
    Ok..

    If this keeps up I may need to try and have a new sleep med discussion with doctor. Not sleeping again.

    Gonna be a long day as a result.

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