Not signed in (Sign In)
  1.  (7485.1)
    Cross-posted from my website. Happy new year, Whitechapel.

    Dear 2009,

    as your death approaches, humankind is more than happy to send you to the numerical afterlife with a kick in the ass so hard our collective boot gets stuck between your zeros.

    Billy is mad at you because his daddy is now an alcoholic who beats mommy. Jimmy is very upset at you for his girlfriend leaving him. Lisa will never forgive you for being the year when a homeless man pissed on her favorite shoe, while she was wearing it. And if you were a person, Alex would demand refund for his sudden bankruptcy.

    Billy, Jimmy, Lisa and Alex will all look at the fireworks as they light up the night sky and smile, knowing, just knowing, 2010 will be a better year. They will be so, so happy to see you die, 2009. So what if all these bad things brought them experience and strength? So what if there were also good things they do not want to remember because self-pity is fun? So what if you were the last year people could wear those stupid fucking "2009" glasses?

    Cough as much blood as you like. Humankind will simply collect every drop on a bucket and use it to paint a flashy "FUCK YOU" on the hospital wall, and on the ceiling, and wherever you look, so it's the last thing you contemplate before you die.

    Meanwhile, Billy, Jimmy, Lisa and Alex will receive 2010 with open arms and a smile.

    Of course, all this hope and optimism will just make it harder for them to cope with 2010 -- Billy will be quite sad when his mommy's reaction to daddy's alcoholism is to become an alcoholic herself, not to mention daddy's new habit of fucking the empty beer bottles. Jimmy will be happy to learn his girlfriend wants to come back to him, but not so much when he sees her in person, after the sex-change surgery. Lisa's memory of the homeless man pissing on her shoe will be filed under "happy times" when a rich man is pissing in her mouth. But at least Alex won't have to worry about money anymore -- one of the advantages of throwing yourself off a bridge.

    Call me a pessimist, and you'd be right. It's the reason I will hold 2009's hand as it passes away. I might break one or two of its fingers, but otherwise I will say goodbye to it warmly while keeping the pillow below its head instead of over it.

    Do not be so trusting of 2010. I could cite many reasons -- chief among them being it's a fucking number, dipshit -- but I will just ask a question: why should you expect it to be any better? You will wake up in January 1st in the exact same situation you were in December 31st, hangover and someone whose name you don't know in the same bed as you notwithstanding.

    Was 2009 really that bad for you? Try to look beyond your divorce, your expensive therapy, your new cunt boss and your suicide attempt failing because you're too much of a moron to cut yourself properly or jump from high enough to result in more than just breaking both your legs.

    Think of the people you met. Think of the things you finished, and the things you started. Think of how stupid we were in the beginning of 2009, and how slightly less stupid we are now. Think of the moments that put a smile in your face (unless this consisted of a madman with a knife cutting the sides of your mouth, obviously).

    Think of how many of these great moments came out of something horrible, and how many shitty times got ready to bite your ass while you were distracted enjoying yourself.

    Why expect good things to happen? Don't. Let them cheerfully surprise you. Expect the bad stuff so you're ready when it hits you. And while you're going through it, never forget you're still learning something -- even if it's how much having electrodes stuck to your balls hurts.

    And with this philosophy in mind, 2009 -- you did okay. Maybe in future years, all the things I started in this one will make you the most important year of my life.

    Sorry I only realized all this before putting laxative in your water.

    Rest in peace.

    ***

    And to all the readers of my website and other stuff: from all my heart, thank you for every comment, re-tweet and overall attempt at letting me know whether you liked or disliked what you saw, and showing it to other people. You make it easy for me to keep working without a second of hesitation.

    Thanks to all my friends for being awesome and supportive.

    Thanks to the Whitechapel Forum for being a wonderful place to hang out on, full of intelligent, funny and simply great people.

    Thanks for reading, and a happy new year to all of you.

    André Navarro.