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  1.  (7988.1)
    Everyone thinks it's so great that the CERN LHC managed to work without destroying the world. Yes, the machine that's 17 miles long managed to overcome potential temporal sabotage and the concept that the particles they were trying to see may only be perceivable in a parallel universe in which they are not perceived. Scientists were saved from brown trousering themselves upon discovering that the ten billion dollar machine did not create a black hole that whole suck the planet into it thus making it impossible for them to watch THE BIG BANG THEORY on CBS and, oh yeah, killing us all.

    So it's a good day if you care about sub-atomic particles.

    Or is it?

    It is theorized that black holes also serve as worm holes into parallel dimensions. Y'know, like that Jet Li movie where he fought himself. It ruled. Anyways, creating such things always has ramifications.

    We are already at risk from invasion from parallel dimensions. Fortunately, we are prepared. An ad campaign, spear-headed by Al Gore, has made our planet seem like it is doomed and polluted and horrible and stinky hot. This is all to try to fool possible inter-dimensional raiders into thinking we have nothing to offer. In the event that invasion become imminent we will be hiding Olivia Wilde, Christina Hendricks, and Dichen Lachman in an undisclosed location so as not to tempt them further. We are prepared to offer them Lindsey Lohan as a trojan horse. She is really a biological weapon. She volunteered for this after making MEAN GIRLS, forsaking a promising career for the good of mankind.

    Be grateful to Lindsey Lohan.

    We also have a network of machines ready to repel the invaders. You ever wonder why those convenience stores that are open 24/7 everyday have locks on the doors? Those 'locks' really activate the stores hidden engines which transforms the stores into large combat capable robots. That's why the employees are often so rude. They are all highly trained combat robot pilots. They are instructed not stay in deep cover, so when they are robbed, they are supposed to not resist so that they don't blow their cover.

    If you knew how much surveillance footage of supposed convenience store employees killing would be thieves with their bare hands have been destroyed by the government, you're heads would spin. That's the reason YouTube keeps going down. The Government has to remove such videos once they are leaked and then find everyone who did see them and wipe their minds. So if you haven't seen such a video on YouTube, then the odds are you have.

    Sleep well, citizens. The secret protectors of the world are well prepared for the Horror's CERN may be unleashing upon us.
  2.  (7988.2)
    Eh, is this fiction or some April Fools joke that I didn't get?