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    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    Two dogs walk into a barn, and they see two horses. One dog looks at the other dog and says, "I wonder what horses say when there's no one around?" The two dogs walk out of the barn, and as soon as they're far enough away the one horse says to the other horse, "Now would you look at that, a talking dog."

    That is the one joke I know.
  1.  (80.2)
    What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot-dog vendor?

    Make me one with everything.
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    Do you know what's intense?

    Boy scouts camping.
  2.  (80.4)
    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tale telling begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, using my bare hands."

    The second can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

    The third cowboy stayed silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

    That's my favorite joke of all time, but it's far, far better when told in person.

    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007 edited
    Excuse the profanity in advance, but you asked for it.

    A boy walks into a whorehouse carrying a dead frog. He digs into his pocket for a wad of cash and walks up to the madam.
    "Miss, I would like to see the dirtiest girl you have here," he says. "I want the one with all the diseases. Everything. You know what I'm talking about."
    The madam shakes her head. "We don't have anyone like that here," she says.
    "I know you do," he says. "Look I'm willing to pay double."
    "Ok," she says. "Go upstairs, to the last room at the end of the hall, and I think you'll find what you're looking for."

    The boy leaves, goes about his business, and returns, still carrying the dead frog. As he's about to leave, the madam stops him.
    "Wait," she says, pointing. "Why did you want her, and why are you carrying that?"
    "Well," he says. "When I get home, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, and then she's going to get all the VD I now have. And then, when Dad gets home, he's going to take the babysitter home, and he's going to fuck her, because that's maybe why he hired her, and then he'll get all her VD. And then when Dad gets home, he's going to fuck Mom, because it's a Tuesday and Dad always fucks Mom on Tuesdays, and she'll get it. And then tomorrow, when Dad's at work, Mom's going to fuck the mailman, because he always fucks the mailman, and he'll get all these diseases...

    And that's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."
    • CommentAuthorOddcult
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    What did the slug say to the snail?

    "Big Issue?"
    • CommentAuthorElohim
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    How evil are these jokes allowed to be? Cause my hallmate just got a book called "Sick Jokes" from his ma in the post, and a couple of dozen have been burnt into my brain before imploring an early release from behind my teeth...

    In the interim, what's big and red and sits in the corner?
    A naughty bus...

    Freud: If it's not one thing, it's ya mother.

    There's more evil in the charts than in al-Quaeda's suggestion box
    • CommentAuthorStitchy
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    Hopefully I'm not too ostracized by this but it's short, sweet, and to the point.

    "Why do fat girls give such good head?"

    "Because they have to."
  3.  (80.9)
    Why are pirates called pirates

    They just AAARRRRR!
    • CommentAuthorRedwynd
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    @Stitchy; good one, I'll remember that.

    @ Elohim; Yours can't be as bad as this:

    What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
    Picture only takes one nail to hang.

    (cue hate mail)
    • CommentAuthorElohim
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007 edited
    Sounds like a challenge, Redwynd...
    *cracks knuckles*
    For the first joke, a continuation of the ecclesiastical theme -

    Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
    A: He has holes in his hands!

    Q: Why did all the girls love Saddam Hussein?
    A: He was well hung!

    Now, there's a whole genre opening up before me of dead babies and paedophilia, but I'm not sure if I'm really allowed to go into those on this forum... but I think they're available on
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    What is the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb?

    You can unscrew a lightbulb!
  4.  (80.13)
    Two muffins in an oven. The first muffins says to the other muffin "It hot in here to you?" The other muffin says "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
    • CommentAuthorRedwynd
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    Ok, since I was just leafing the Entertainment section in the paper, reading about a possible Jackson Five reunion tour, I gotta toss this one out:

    How do you know it's bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house?
    When the big hand touches the little hand.

    What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a bowling alley?
    Bowling alley gives your balls back.
  5.  (80.15)
    What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot-dog vendor?

    Make me one with everything.

    The vendor told the DL "That's two-fifty."

    The DL gives the vendor a twenty and the vendor pockets it and starts to leave.

    The DL says, "Hey, where's my change?"

    Vendor says, "Change must come from within."
  6.  (80.16)
    Little Timmy is in Sunday school class when the teacher asks the question, what part of the body gets to Heaven first? Timmy waves his arm around but the teacher won't call on him because he's a little shit. So, she calls on Michelle. Michelle says, "The heart, since that's the part Jesus lives in."
    Teacher approves and asks the question again. Timmy is still waving his hand and again, teacher ignores him and asks Mikey. Mikey says, "The soul, since that is the spiritual part of you."
    Teacher approves and poses the question one more time. Little Timmy, dilligent as ever, raises his hand again. Teacher gives in and asks Timmy, "What part of the body gets to Heaven first?"
    Timmy says, "The feet."
    Teacher finds this odd and askes Timmy why he says the feet.
    Timmy says, "Well, I walked into my mommy and daddy's room and mom had her feet in the air shouting I'm coming, God, I'm coming!"

    (Cue rimshot...)
    • CommentAuthorStefanJ
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    A guy walks into a doctor's office, complaining of a splitting headache. "I've had this on and off for years," he moans, "but lately the pain has been non-stop and unbearable."

    "I'm glad you came in," says the doctor, We'll run some tests and get to the bottom of it." He draws blood, tests reflexes, and orders a whole battery of high-tech scans.

    Weeks later, the doctor calls the man in for a meeting. "The results are in," he says, "and you're not going to like it."

    "Oh, just my luck," says the man, "it's a big brain tumor, right?"

    "No," says the doctor, "you're perfectly healthy, except for . . ."

    "Is there a cure?" shouts the man, "I really can't take the pain."

    "There is a cure, but like I said you won't like it. For some reason your testicles have become impacted against the base of your spine, and the pressure is effecting your spinal fluid and compressing your brain. Unless you're willing to risk full paralysis I'm afraid the only step we can take is . . . removal."

    The man faints. When he comes to he grabs his head. "I'll do it. Anything to end this agony."

    The surgery is scheduled, the man admits himself to the hospital, and a day later he wakes up free of pain. "It's a miracle!" he shouts. "Thank you doctor. I'll try to make the best of things, considering what's been done."

    On leaving the hospital the fellow sees a classy, old-fashioned mens' clothing shop. "Well, I'm not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself," he things, "I'll start out by getting a snappy new outfit."

    The shop is run by an ancient tailor. "Well, well!" he says as the patient enters, "My clothes sense is tingling, I know just what you need." He looks the man up and down, scratching his chin. "There!" he says, "I'll be right out."

    "You're not going to take any measurements?" asks the newly minted eunuch.

    "No, no, when you've been doing this for as long as me, you can just tell." The tailor disappears into the back room and comes out with a classy new suit. The man tries it on, and is amazed to find that it fits almost perfectly. "Come back in a week and the alterations will be done. Now, is there anything else I can get you."

    "Well, I need some socks, and a pack of undershirts, and some briefs. I wear size 34."

    "No, no, sir!" says the tailor, "A fellow of your build, you'd better wear a size 38 brief."

    "I've been wearing size 34 for two years," complains the man, "they fit fine."

    "Sir, trust me," says the tailor. "You've been doing this as long as I have and you know. If you were to wear a size 34, your balls would press against your spine and give you a terrible headache!"
  7.  (80.18) made me hurt. I laugh as I wince.
    • CommentAuthorjcfiala
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    One young boy was at school one day when he was chatting with his best friend. His best friend told him, "I just learned the greatest thing! If you tell an adult 'I know your secret,' then they'll give you money!" The boy wasn't sure, but decided to give it a try.

    He got home and found his mother at home. He gave her a look and announced, "I know your secret!" Mom turned white, gave him a twenty, and told him never to tell his father. The boy, impressed, stuck the twenty in his pocket and went off to play.

    When he got home from playing, he came across his father reading the paper, and told him as well, "I know your secret!" Dad almost dropped the paper getting a twenty out of his wallet, handing it off to his son. "Don't tell your mother!"

    The next day at school he told his friend how well it had worked, and they had a laugh about it. That afternoon when he got home he ran into the mailman on the street. Wanting more cash, the young tyke called out, "I know your secret!"

    The mailman sunk down on one knee, threw out his arms, and cried out, "Oh! Give your daddy a HUG!"
    • CommentAuthorKunundrum
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2007
    A guy is on his way home from work when he gets a call on his cell phone. He answers, and it's the hospital. There's a doctor on the line, informing him he needs to get to the hospital immediatly. The guy rushes there, and the doctor greets him at the door. "Hello Mr. Gregory. I'm sorry to inform you, but your wife was in a horrible car accident. She's parilyzed completely. She'll never be able to do anything. You'll have to change her diaper and clean her, chew her food and feed it to her. She'll never be able to have children. Her life as she knew it is over." The guy drops to his knees and starts crying and shaking uncontrolably, in a terrible fit of sadness. The doctor kneels down, and pats the guy on his back. "Hey buddy, I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead."

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