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I was reading a book on cross training, and I thought to myself, Jesus could have really used this - Carlin
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Guy gets hired by this company on Tuesday. Works Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Calls in sick on Monday. Comes back to work on Tuesday and works the rest of the week. Monday comes and he calls in sick again. The Plant manager talks to the guys supervisor about this problem.
"What's up with this guy calling in sick every Monday? Is he a good worker?"
"He does the work of two guys, always willing to help without being asked, it would be a shame to lose him. I'll talk to him tomorrow and see if there's anything the company can do for him."
The guy comes in on Tuesday and the supervisor pulls him into his office and sits him down.
"Look, I'd really hate to let you go. You do the work of two people. You're always willing to help out without being asked. But missing these Mondays has to stop. Is there anything that the company can do to help you? Why do you keep calling in sick?"
"Well ..., you see, my sisters husband always goes out Saturday nights and gets shit-faced drunk. Then he goes home and beats the shit out of my sister. She calls me Sunday morning and I go over to her house to console and comfort her, and well, one thing leads to another and we end up fucking."
"That's sick!"
"Now you know why I call in."
***
Remember this joke for when one of your co-workers calls in sick :P -
how many revolutionaries does it take to change a lightbulb?
you can't change the lightbulb. You've got to smash it -
The staff of the Maple Grove nursing home receives word that the family of Mr. Dowd, their oldest tenant, is coming to check him out for a birthday dinner. The attendants clean him up, shave him, and dress him in his best suit. Finally, the old man is put in a wheelchair and brought to the lobby to wait for his ride.
One of the nurses wanders by and notices that Dowd is slumped forward in his chair. She props him back up and neats his jacket. "Your son and grandchildren will be here any moment, sir! Sit up nice and straight so you're looking your best."
A few minutes later an orderly stolls by. Dowd is slouched over to the left, leaning far over the wheelchair's handle. "Oh, Mr. Dowd, be careful or you'll topple over!" he says, straightening the old man up and fixing his collar.
Soon after the home's administrator enters the lobby and finds Mr. Dowd leaning far to the right. "Oh my!" he says, "Sir, your family will be here very soon. This is no time to nap. Here, I'll help you straighten up."
Sure enough, the family appears moments later. The surround the old man, shake his hand, and kiss him. Dowd's son, seeing a strained look on his father's face, leans close.
"Are they treating you alright, pops?"
"Yes . . . yes, just fine." the old man says after a moment's thought.
"Is the food OK?"
"Oh, very good."
"And your room, is it warm enough?"
"Yes, just fine," the old man said, his voice barely a whisper, "It's just that . . . well . . ."
Dowd's son leaned closer. "Yes, pop?"
Dowd looked around to make sure no one else was listening and said:
"They won't let me take a goddamn fart." -
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CommentAuthorWillow Bl00
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
On Jesus:
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
..because he forgot the safeword.
On Micheal Jackson:
What do Micheal Jackson and caviar have in common?
..they both come on little crackers -
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Elohim . Freud: If it's not one thing, it's ya mother.
love it.
time to offend all the women on this group.
Whats the Motto of the Abortion Clinic?
You rape em we scrape em, no featus can beatus!!!!!!
apologies to all Ive offended in advance.
cue the hate mail as "Redwynd" commented earlier. -
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
Thank you Jimmy Carr -
ian.mcrob - to continue your theme:
9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape!
Q: What do you do after raping a blind, deaf & dumb girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
*da-dum-dum-tsch!*
Apologies if too much. If not, I have more... -
I went to see the nurse for my annual health check this morning. She said "I think you should stop wanking." "Why?" I asked. She said "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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CommentAuthorWillow Bl00
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
..because she was a woman. -
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CommentAuthorgraphicartistx
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
How did Hellen Keller discover masturbation?
Trying to read her own lips...
*ducks* -
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These two are courtesy of the book Dirty Jokes and Beer by Drew Carey.
A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I've never seen anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my god, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents."
and
A guy buys a 200-acre ranch out in the country. One day, after he moves in, a pick-up truck comes rambling down the one dirt road to his house and screeches to a halt in front of him.
"Howdy neighbor!" The pick-up driver says. "My name's Bill! I live next door and I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood!"
"Well thanks Bill. That's right friendly," says the man.
"My pleasure," Bill says. Then, "Hey listen, the reason I drove out here is that I'm having a party this Saturday and I'd really like you to come. It's gonna be a real doozy. There's gonna be eatin', and drinkin' and fuckin' and fightin'... I tell you it's going to be great!"
"Well, that sounds just fine, Bill," says the man. "What should I wear?"
"Oh, it don't matter," Bill explains. "It's just gonna be you and me." -
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CommentAuthorgraphicartistx
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
What does eating pussy and the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Eww.
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CommentAuthorWillow Bl00
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
A man is driving over a bridge on his way home one night when he spots a boy crying next to a car. He gets out of his car and runs up to the boy.
"What's the matter?"
"My... my mom... she... she.." the boy can barely speak, he's crying so hard. He waves over the side of the bridge.
The man looks over the edge, to see two bloody masses at the bottom. "oh my. what's next to her?"
Through his tears, the boy manages to stammer out "da-da-dad"
The man goes back over, looks over the side. Comes back over to the boy, contemplates him for a moment, and comes to a decision. "drop your pants"
"Wha-what?"
"it's just not your lucky day." -
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- CommentAuthorHelical Structure
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black. -
- CommentAuthorHelical Structure
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007 edited
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents for the first time. Since this is such a big event for her, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out on the town, then make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He is obviously nervous and finally manages to stammer out his order.
"So-some condoms please..."
"Of course, what kind would you like?" says the pharmacist.
"Um... normal?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a second and leans over. "Is it your first time young feller?"
The boy nods.
Remembering his own first fumbling experiences many years ago, the pharmacist takes the boy aside and introduces him to the wide world of modern prophylactic technology - stimulating ribbing, warming lubricants, strawberry flavouring, the works. The boy seems grateful and a bit relieved so, getting into the swing of things, he goes on to give the boy some tips on safe sex, how to avoid premature ejaculation, and even a couple of hints on how to pleasure a woman. Finally he sends the now-enthusiastic lad off happy with a family pack of Durex, some exotic variations and a little lube.
That night, fully prepared for the big event, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. She kisses him and exclaims "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in, you're just in time!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
5 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, looks at her, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." -
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust. -
A man goes hunting bear up north. After a while he finally sees a bear by a log. He takes aim and ... BANG! The bear drops behind the log. The man runs over and looks over the log. No bear. There's a tap on his shoulder. The man turns. It's the bear. "Bend over," the bear says. The guy bends over the log and the bear fucks him in the ass. The guys leaves and goes to a gun store and buys a bigger, better gun. He goes back to the same spot and sure enough there's the bear by the log. He takes aim and ... BANG! The bear drops behind the log. The man runs over and looks over the log. No bear. There's a tap on his shoulder. The man turns. It's the bear. "Bend over," the bear says. The guy bends over the log and the bear fucks him in the ass. The guy leaves and goes back to the gun store and gets a bigger, better gun. He goes back to the same spot and sure enough there's the bear by the log. He takes aim and ... BANG! The bear drops behind the log. The man runs over and looks over the log. No bear. There's a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear. The bear says, "You don't come out here to hunt do you?"
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CommentAuthordavid.marks
- CommentTimeDec 2nd 2007 edited
A woman picks up the phone to find out her mother has just died. Crying, she hands the phone to her husband to talk to the undertaker.
The undertaker asks, "So how would you like us to handle your mother-in-law's remains, burial or cremation?"
The husbands whispers in to the phone, "Both, just to be sure." -
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My boyfriend is a bad person and after me sharing some of these jokes with him he gave me...
What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
...The wheelchair.
This discussion has been inactive for longer than 5 days, and doesn't want to be resurrected.