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  1.  (80.1)
    This guy and his wife go to a pet store. There is a parrot sitting outside and as the guy draws near the parrot says, "Psst! HEY! C'mere!"
    The guy walks over and asks the parrot what he wants.
    The parrot says, "Your wife is ugly as shit!"
    The guy, taken aback, asks the parrot to repeat what it just said.
    "I said your wife is ugly as shit!"
    Furious, the guy goes into the store and tells the manager what happened.
    Taking the parrot into the back room, the manager says he'll take care of it.
    Suddenly, the store is filled with the horrendous squawking of a parrot being badly beaten.
    A few minutes later the manager comes out and puts the parrot back outside. The parrot, he's a mess. One eye bigger than the other, feathers missing...a mess.
    The guy and his wife leave the store, the guy with a smirk on his face.
    Again, the parrot says, "Pst! HEY! C'mere!"
    The guy stops and says, "What do you want now?"

    The parrot says, "Nothing's changed."
    • CommentAuthorDanger_D
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007
    three old ladies sitting at a park bench. a man walks over wearing a large trench coat and flashes them. two had a stroke, the other wasent quick enough
    • CommentAuthorcschneid
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007
    A Rabbi wearing a green wool coat, an Irishman with a large steamer trunk, and an Elephant pushing a piano walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
    • CommentAuthorStitchy
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007 edited
    There's a man sitting at home watching television one evening and he hears a knock at his front door. The man goes to the door, opens it, and looks down to find a little snail sitting on his stoop. He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.

    Three years later, there's a knock on his door. The man opens the door, looks down and there sits the same little snail.

    The snail looks up and says, " Okay, what the hell was that all about!?"
    • CommentAuthorjensen5
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007
    I'm at this public swimming pool this past summer when the volunteer life guard on duty says to me, "Sir I'm gonna have to ask you to leave?" "Why?" I ask. "Because you peed in the pool." I'm taken aback by this, I say, "You mean to tell me with all of these kids in this pool that none of them have peed in it?" He replies, "I'm sure that they have, just not from the diving board."
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007
    A man is on his deathbed in the hostpital, he's there talking with his wife.
    He says to her: "When I die, if you ever get remarried, I want you to get rid of all of my stuff."
    She asks: "Why do you want me to do that?"
    He responds: "well, I don't want some asshole using all my stuff when I'm gone."
    She retorts with "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

    Like so many jokes better when told with good delivery.
    • CommentAuthorAlexa_D
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2007
    I can't believe no one's posted this one yet (perhaps it's a bit too clean for this crowd, but still):

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

    'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

    Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

    'What does that tell you?'

    Watson ponders for a minute. 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'

    Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
    • CommentTimeDec 5th 2007
    How did Hellen Keller discover masturbation?

    Trying to read her own lips...

    heres another helen keller joke:

    Why does helen keller have yellow legs??

    cos her guide dogs blind too!!

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