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  1.  (920.1)
    WARNING: furiously pissed rant below. Read at your own risk.


    I am bloody pissed with Discovery Channel and National Geographic.

    Explanation: first of all, I live in Brazil. This place is, unlike the hype might lead you to believe, a shithole if you intend to stay here longer than, say, a week. I've lived here for decades. I hate it, and I'm moving to the USA as soon as possible.

    What's the importance of that? The fucking shows on Discovery and National have portuguese voice-overs over the original english ones. They dub the interviewees, the narrator, everything. And all the actors suck. The narrator is deader than a stone.

    But it's not that, oh no. Recently, I have watched two shows, one on each channel, that made me puke inside my mouth. I kept watching them out of pure morbid curiosity. One, in Discovery Channel, followed an archaeologist that defended the existence of dragons. I swear. Dragons. The fire-spitting ones. And for an hour I had my brain raped by a bunch of jackass actors pretending to be the actual archaelogists, examining the carcass of a dragon and finding more and more "evidence" it was a real dragon. "Look! He has glands on the sides of his throat! Those glands produce a liquid that when in contact with a gas on the creature's stomach, turns into fire when in the air!". Worst of all, there were computer-rendered scenes showing the dragon's life as if it really happened, during the dinosaur era and in Ancient China, where the dragon had conveniently "mutated" into the snakelike dragon the chinese like. Oh, and there's even that moment where one of the actors says "OF COURSE! How didn't I see this before" and he makes a great discovery. All with ridiculous portuguese voice-overs.

    And then this: in National Geographic, a show called Hunter Hunted about why a chimp attacked a group of tourists in Africa.

    A show.

    About an exceptionally angry.


    Okay, it's not normal for chimps to attack people, biting one of their fingers off, but it was one of the worst shows I've ever seen. The simulation of the chimp attack (let me repeat that, I have to. Chimp attack.) is absolutely ridiculous. We have the Brazilian narrator saying in his wannabe epic voice: "The tourists are now fleeing through the woods, one of them now heavily wounded. And the chimp is getting closer every second, furious and bloodthirsty". I CAN SEE THAT! Why every narrator on every wildlife show acts like Roy Thomas on an issue of Conan the Barbarian? Conan beheads a dude, and the caption says "And Conan beheads his enemy with his mighty sword". YES! I SEE IT! IT'S THERE IN ALL OF JOHN BUSCEMA'S GLORY!

    Oh, and the editing. Instead of filming the chimp attack (chimp attack. CHIMP ATTACK.) with a nice direction, good special effects, actors worth more than a dime each and no narrator, they chose to show separate images of chimps running, then separate images of the stupid actors fleeing for their lives, and making it look like both scenes are happening at the same time. And they shake the camera to make it look more "badass" while the narrator tries to make it all sound epic.

    And the narrator insists in stating the obvious and on repeating information all the time: "Chimps are peaceful creatures", he says that for about ten times, maybe aware of how the show is instantly forgettable.

    I give up on wildlife shows.
    • CommentTimeFeb 9th 2008
    I'll buy you a few rounds of drinks when you make it out here, on the condition that you scream 'CHIMP ATTACK' after each one.

    - Z
  2.  (920.3)
    I'll start rehearsing it. Chimp attack. Chimp attack. Chimp attack.
  3.  (920.4)

    Yes I know they're strong, they have sharp teeth, but...the phrase chimp attack is hilarious.
  4.  (920.5)
    I'll buy you a few rounds of drinks when you make it out here, on the condition that you scream 'CHIMP ATTACK' after each one

    I will fly out to the cost to see that.

    Now, I demand we sort out a mixed drink to CALL a Chimp Attack*.

    * my idea of a mixed drink is: rum + coke or voldka + redbull. So my input ends here.
  5.  (920.6)
    Chimp Attack Drink needs something banana-flavoured.
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2008
    <img src="" alt="" />
    <blockquote>This special distilled Thai rice grain vodka is infused with a real farm raised Heterometrus Spinifer scorpion and flavoured with banana and sweetened with Thai sugar cane. The vodka is steeped for several months, which then imparts a unique flavour into the liquor, the vodka is then sweetened and flavoured to taste.</blockquote>