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  1.  (9937.1)
    I had just put the finishing design touches on a certain sculpting project, and it was time to begin hollowing it out. Thus began a month and a half of Triangle Hell. Two weeks into the oh-my-god-when-will-this-shit-END hollowing-out process, I was listening to a local radio show hosted by a friend of mine. I decided to prank him a bit by requesting songs that didn't exist. The show was webcam-enabled, and I got some chuckles watching him type fruitless searches into the music database. Small things brought me joy in those six weeks.

    And something happened to my poor addled brain.

    Unbidden, that creative center of my headmeat that could not escape the geometry horrors it was faced with began spitting up many, many nonexistent songs and musicians. Perhaps it was an attempt at warding away madness. Who can say?

    Anyway, here's the list:

    "Bad Daughter Outcome" by Davio Sambala
    "Take Me To The Clinic, Take Me To The Liquor Store" by Fleshpants
    "Hungry Weapons" by The Ho Bag Military Orchestra
    "Spanked By Syphilis (Loved Every Minute)" by MC Joe Biden
    "Hunchin' On The Bus" by Dr. Phibes & The Vibes
    "Fell In Love With A Wino" by Priestess Molly Priest
    "Sniper Scope / Picture Frame" by Giga Prophet
    "Animal Dog" by Black Salad Crime Spree
    "Nekkid In The Soup Isle" by Jim Barryfellow Hanks, Sr.
    "Dick In A Toaster" by Minnie Pearl
    "Nasty Sweaty Linedance With A Purty Little Badger In A Yellow Lemon Dress" by Amy Grant & Vince Gill
    "Parsimonious Belch In The Corridors Of Shame" by The Heavy Bucket Boys
    "Sometimes I Wish We Were Ugly" by Raella Morganthalia Jones
    "Flashback Nutrition" by Escalator Tree
    "Discharge Of Many Colors" by Swamp Pudding
    "Word-Slived The Janitor" by Axe Marriage
    "Sequel Opportunity Sex Offender" by Cornball Holocaust
    "Seen And Not Hard" by Teo MacGuffin & The Fleshworkers
    "What Happened To Today (Can Happen To Yesterday Too)" by Prince Oleo Pudenda
    "Leopard's Running Dilemma" by State Of When
    "Flawed and Declawed" by Weeping Jim & The Rimjobs
    "My Son Is A Dead Man" by Percy Sledge
    "Lonesome and Satisfied" by Durbius Williams
    "Sametopomoetic Monomataneous Enamoraptics Within Clitoritic Metacoaxicoeticals (Means I ? U)" by Britney Spears
    "Wash Your Animal" by Ladyboy George
    "Kung Fu Rapist" by Miasmariah Carey
    "Dialing For Diapers" by Overkill Switch
    "Torn From The Headlines of Tomorrow" by Hooligan Tools
    "The Scars Above Us" by Piano Shoulders
    "Orbus Telado Daix (Autophobia)" by Vic Tazer & Eliyon Cyanide
    "Krautus Blatavatski Gets The News" by Dowager Hammer
    "You'll Pay For That Trailer, Norman" by Heavy Math Owl
    "Machine Made Of Drool Cups" by Drop Ship Lollipop
    "Taste Of A Spaniard's Knife" by Randall Potts & The Gutshots

    Now, I rarely write songs on my own. And I know that I'm not going to make use of most of these titles any time soon. (Well, okay, "Animal Dog" might actually get finished sometime.)

    So. I hereby release into the public domain these song titles and band names (well, the few that don't exist, anyway). Perhaps something here triggers a vision within you artist/music types out there. If you feel like you can write "Sometimes I Wish We Were Ugly" or "Take Me To The Clinic, Take Me To The Liquor Store", GO FOR IT. Maybe you were meant to perform on stage as Dr. Phibes & The Vibes or Prince Oleo Pudenda. MAKE IT HAPPEN. Perhaps you know what a painting called "Krautus Blatavatski Gets The News" looks like. PAINT THAT MOTHERFUCKER. My IP lawyers will not chew you leg off.

    I only request that if you make use of any of these, please send me a copy. I'd really like to see these things made real.

    Percy Sledge singing "My Son Is A Dead Man"? Yeah. I really want to hear that. Rather unfeasible. But maybe you do a passable impression?
  2.  (9937.2)
    Oh -- a TL;DR note about "Word-Slived The Janitor". Slive means to sneak or to separate, but I dragged out an alternate meaning from an otherwise-forgotten dream. I know that this bit of dream-vocabulary was a blend of two words, but "slime" is the only one I remember. Half-awake, I immediately wrote it down, convinced that it was Of Vital Importance To The World. (Then again, in another dream I had the realization that the best prank ever was to push a six-foot hamburger up the the door of the women's restroom, bang on the door, and run like hell. Um... yeah.)

    Anyway, as I recall, the dreamtime meaning of "sliving" is "to gleefully persist in telling a filthy anecdote or description to someone when it's abundantly clear that the listener is embarrassed or disgusted by what they're hearing, and desperately wants you to shut the fuck UP, ASSHOLE". So in "Word-Slived The Janitor", adding the word "Word" is redundant, but the dream told me it was Important.

    Thus concludes my blah-blah-blah submission to the popular lexicon.
  3.  (9937.3)
    all obvious impending scenes from the shining aside, a lot of those are pretty nifty band names. trust me, it's not that easy to pin a good one down! my latest project is wavering between Tundrasun and Lazy Eye...
    •  
      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2011
     (9937.4)
    I just want to start up a stoner/doom/sludge band called THE BLACK PHARAOHS.

    But yes, nice list up thar. We digs.
  4.  (9937.5)
    offtandiscord: I dig Tundrasun, but Lazy Eye works okay too. What kinda sound are you going for?

    taphead: I read THE BLACK PHARAOHS, and from out of nowhere, it came to me: doomrap. Not to be confused with horrorcore. Politicized rap nestled in a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome sludge cradle of stoner metal. Kinda Dead Prez filtered through Sun Ra vs. The Melvins. Not that I'm suggesting this avenue to you, understand -- it's just the impression that came to mind.
  5.  (9937.6)
    I used to do exactly the same thing to a local public radio station. Unfortunately the only example I can recall is "God of Love" by Aengus Ogg.

    Vaguely related is the fact that I've always wanted to start a band called "Lord High Chamberlain and his Archbishops of Funk".
  6.  (9937.7)
    Purple Wyrm: I'm loving the Archbishops. A possible setlist:

    "Get Down Fox Hound"
    "Funk Privileges"
    "Beefeater Erotique"
    "(Tear The Funky Roof Off) The House Of Lords"
    "Maggie Thatcher (Gotta Catch 'Er)"

    And the classic 23-minute side-B track:
    "White Lines Black Doves (Sir Porcelain's Estate)"
    •  
      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2011
     (9937.8)
    Kinda Dead Prez filtered through Sun Ra vs. The Melvins.


    That makes me hard. In the pants.
  7.  (9937.9)
    God damnit! I'm going to have to create the Archbishops now just to play that setlist aren't I? :D

    As well as requesting non-existent songs I also called up the station (after they'd been playing what they referred to as "Scary German Industrial Music") and requested some "Kinky Spanish Agrarian Music" to lighten the mood. Funnily enough they didn't have any.

    There's also this.

    Which I really want to print out on cheap poster paper and stick up on hoardings all over the city.
  8.  (9937.10)
    Oh sweet Jebus. "Woman Drop Your Case" ... I need to hear that right now.

    Yes, Wyrm. THE WORLD NEEDS THE PEERS OF THE FUNK REALM!!! Who better to guide the hands of the rabble than Jheri-curled aristocrats?!



    I could maybe get behind kinky agrarian music.

    "Leather Harvest Moon"
    "Whip Lash Memories Of My Papa's Old Farm"
    "Greasepigs At The Marketplace"

    Well... maybe.



    And we mustn't this classic, which probably laid the secret seeds of this whole damn thread:

    Busey And The Beat

    It is so unfair to live in a world where that album doesn't exist.
  9.  (9937.11)
    Oh, and Wyrm -- Try inverting the axe, and see if that doesn't add a bit of balance to the layout. That's fucking lovely, by the way.
  10.  (9937.12)
    Miasmariah Carey.

    Yes.
  11.  (9937.13)
    Reminds me of my old LARP days when I created my faux-Punk Band the "Angry Red Cocks", with songs like: "I'm not a chickenhawk", and "I fucked your Mom"... all written by Lead singer Olly Blivious.
  12.  (9937.14)
    Govspy, those are awesome. Did you write any lyrics for 'em?
  13.  (9937.15)
    I think the chorus's were just the titles repeated over and over.

    I also remember a cover of the Jim Carroll Band "friend's who died" done like a 70's british punk band...
    •  
      CommentAuthorcurb
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2011
     (9937.16)
    Ok, so I'm drunk enough to mention my imaginary nerdfunk band Sexy Odour (Say it quick and there's a pun there, kids!) Which, in my head, sound like The Mothership straffing the Death Star.
  14.  (9937.17)
    maybe it's time to crack open more whitechapel orchestra sillyness - punkrock edition.
  15.  (9937.18)
    Nerdfunk? Nice. I remember a project in my teenage years that never came to fuition; my two-bassist punkrock PFunk cover band, Apartment Punkadelic, which basically just replaced "funk" with "punk" in every song. No wonder that never got off the ground.
  16.  (9937.19)
    Dowager Hammer is an AWESOME name.

    I have a kind of in-joke (mostly with myself, so the very most pathetic type of in-joke) wherein ever since I started trying to form a band, I periodically hear random phrases and announce that I'm going to call my band that.

    Malevolent Crow, Concussion Vengeance, Large Hadron Colander (which immediately led to Large Hardon Colander, but that's for hypothetical porn)...

    I mean I actually do know what I'll call it if I can ever manage to get all three of the others in a room at the same time, but I think even if that happens I'm going to keep claiming random shit :P