2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299782#Comment_299782 2011-06-30T03:08:41-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

Howzah. I’ve just returned from four days’ focused drinking and manliness in the wilds of Cornwall, with the slightly suspect excuse that I’m getting hitched in August and am permitted to ...

I’ve just returned from four days’ focused drinking and manliness in the wilds of Cornwall, with the slightly suspect excuse that I’m getting hitched in August and am permitted to get all my Behaving Like A Fuckplank out the way early. That’s “bachelor party” to the Americans among us, and “stag do” to everyone else. Fun.

Yes: in the epic multi-theatre conflict that is Man Vs Beer, we struck a decisive blow against The Frothy Ones. I’ve accumulated many shameful and easily exaggerated drinking tales for the benefit of future generations, and now I’m interested in yours.

So: tell me a story, my lovelies. A single real* anecdote revolving around the catastrophic inebriation of yourself or someone you know. That wrongness you inflicted on your sister’s Barbie doll…? Or that time with the neighbours’ chinchilla and the girl with the pocket-knife…? Or the fisticuffs with the fatties who turned-out to be cows…? Or the sexgame that withstood uninvited pukedom and went down in history…? Or the dark and unspeakable thing you and your pals dropped in your parents’ pool…? Or… or… or…?

Make us laugh, make us wretch, make us slap our heads and emit Look At The Pretty Fireworks noises.

Maximum 300 words. There will be a purple-veined noprize made of kudos and high regard for the Most Entertaining Story.


*Real, yes? Because otherwise it’s fiction. And we don’t allow that around here, do we, because it’s a legal headfuck. So let the record show that if you’re tragic enough to have no drinking stories of your own, and feel the need to make one up, don’t come crying “plagiarism” to us if you’re sitting in a bar in 20 years and someone recounts back your own completely fabricated story with two decades’ worth of hyperbole attached. Anecdotes are viral gribblies whether they’re true or not, so unleash your wordy infectant at your own risk.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299785#Comment_299785 2011-06-30T04:43:30-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 FrancisSobriety http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10251

Aged 18, a week after meeting my now wife, I went out to a local punk night called Get Yer Skates On. This was only the second time that I'd met them. Towards the end of the night, after getting ...

Not only is this a true story, but it won me the Exorcist on Blu-Ray in a Rue Morgue competition last year.

:D]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299786#Comment_299786 2011-06-30T04:48:18-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

A very strong first contender, with a delightfully happy ending. Beat that, folks.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299787#Comment_299787 2011-06-30T04:50:55-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Beamish http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8236

I believe it was 1999 while in college, two friends and myself picked up three cases of Natural Light as we expected about ten others to join us before leaving for a Halloween party. By the time ...

Using my new found, booze-inspired, confidence I was having a conversation with a nice young lady (I think the was nice, I do not have much memory of her.) The discussion was interrupted by one of the other two friends that wanted a drunk-hug. When that moment passed I turned back to the nice lady to continue and I spoke for about 5 minutes before she tapped me on the shoulder to let me know that I had been jawing with a fence post and she preferred that I would speak directly to her face.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299790#Comment_299790 2011-06-30T05:24:10-07:00 2011-06-30T05:34:34-07:00 Nicolas Papa http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1861

In 96, I'm 23, and "Mars Attacks!" has just been released. A friend and I both want to see it, and it's only showing at one cinema, a midnight screening. We go for a drink before the walk ...

We get to the cinema. We don't get snacks, because we are skint, having spent our money on drinks. We settle into seats in an all but empty screen. During the trailers, two guys decide to come and sit behind us, and start making noise and fuss. We allow it; it's only the trailers.

But they keep making noise through the first few minutes of the film. My friend turns, ready to scowl passive-aggressively at them. And discovers that these are just over-excited teens. My friend and I are not big, scary guys, but he's emboldened by his discovery. He puts a finger to his lips, grins, and lets out a long "shhhhh".
Then he leans over the back of his seat, and helps himself to some popcorn out of the tub of the kid behind him.

Thing is, my friend and I didn't get to be the Alpha Males often. And I thought of myself as less flappable than him, so I wasn't having this. I turn in my seat, look at the kid behind me, and lean forward, fingers out to get some of his popcorn.

The kid behind me isn't eating popcorn. He's drinking Coke. Which I now have all over my fingers.

But I don't let it bother me. In an instant, I know exactly how to recoup. I grin at him, and slowly lick my fingers clean, before turning back to the film.

They don't make a noise after that. But we, of course, are totally insufferable. How do you stay quiet with Tom Jones on screen?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299792#Comment_299792 2011-06-30T05:34:21-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Nicolas Papa http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1861

Oh, also, the first of only two times I've ever been removed from a pub was also the only time I've ever drunk Tequila in any real volume. I'm in the sixth form, and this is the pub where all the ...

I'm in the sixth form, and this is the pub where all the sixth formers go. I've been sitting at the bar with a friend, drinking Tequila in bulk because there's a promotion on, wondering what all the fuss is about because I've been sitting here for an hour and I don't feel slightly drunk.

I go to the toilet, on the way saying hello to a guy I know, who is leaning in to a girl he's chatting up, next to the entrance to the toilets.

Go inside, into a cubicle, have a sit down. Have a wee. Get up, leave the toilet.

See the guy I said hello to, and try to get his attention by tapping on his shoulder. He ignores me. I tap again. He keeps ignoring me. I feel slighted - I know this guy well, and he's being rude. So I take off his cap, and playfully bat him across the back of the head with it.

Don't really realise that he's grown a foot, and is talking to a different girl. Or that he's wearing a cap now, when he wasn't before. Not until he turns around, looking completely different, and I realise this is someone completely different. I feel betrayed by reality, so I'm only halfway apologetic, but some friends see what's about to happen, and forcibly remove me from the situation. Then the landlady, who knows me well, suggests I leave for my own safety.

Apparently, I was in the toilet for over an hour, with people banging on the door checking I'm okay and everything. I think I end the evening sitting on a doorstep. There may or may not be vomit.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299804#Comment_299804 2011-06-30T07:12:52-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 sebfowler http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=490

*This one's actually my third choice, because my first two were too incriminating for myself and or other parties concerned. I may be coerced into telling later, on chat/skype/in person I was ...

*This one's actually my third choice, because my first two were too incriminating for myself and or other parties concerned. I may be coerced into telling later, on chat/skype/in person

I was working and living in Mongolia at the time, sharing an apartment with a couple of other Australians. When it's -30c outside in the winter, there's not much to do but have house parties and drink the cheap tasty vodka which abounds. So we held such a party, as we did occasionally.
We got a pretty good turnout, including some Mongolian dudes who owned a vodka factory, who brought with them a box of their wares. At some point in the evening, a team of American ice hockey players rocks up. To our sixth floor apartment. With a stray dog they'd picked up. Which they leave behind when they go.
Later, there were some troubles with our bathroom door handle, which most people had been handling fine. This time, a lady got locked in and some hero decided to break down the door to let them out, rather than seek assistance/advice.
So I go to my housemate, who is much more merry and drunk than I, and I say "Dude, someone just broke down our bathroom door and the hockey players left a stray dog in our apartment."
He tries to soothe me, saying "It'll be fine, we'll sort it out later."
I say, "This is fucked, what are we going to do?"
He gets that look in his eye like he's just found the answer to all our problems.
"I know what'll make you feel better. Let's go and throw some eggs off the balcony"
I dubiously go along with it, because who doesn't like throwing things off balconies. We get to the fridge, he grabs some eggs and one slips, smashing on the floor. He just stares silently at me with guilty puppy eyes.
"Fuck this", I say, "I'm going to bed."]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299821#Comment_299821 2011-06-30T11:03:02-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 curb http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1334

So my housemates and I were throwing a party, and I'd had a wee bit to drink. As expected, before long I needed to pee, and so headed for the bathroom, which was engaged. At first I waited patiently ...

What I had to have explained to me the next morning was that the door I'd been making a racket outside was in fact my housemate's bedroom door. The bathroom was actually on the other side of the corridor. That alone would have only been mildly embarrassing. What ratcheted it up to being plain excruciating was that eventually, my housemate had to escort me from his room after I'd wandered in, old chap in hand, and ready for what I can only hope was intended to be a piss. And if that wasn't bad enough, at the time I bust my way in, he'd been having sex with his girlfriend.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299822#Comment_299822 2011-06-30T11:54:02-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485

In my last year of university, we had a big black tie ball in Winchester Guildhall. I couldn't be arsed to buy a ticket, so went out drinking with people from the supermarket where I worked instead. ...

So I did the logical thing, and just walked straight through them, jumped down into the audience and headed straight for the bar, with the aim of getting at least another drink before Security threw me out (I was wearing a leather jacket, a bit out of place at a black tie do). My luck held, and I ran into a friend on the organising committee. He was drunk enough to be relieved of a pass that said 'ARTISTE', which I could use as a magic talisman to ward off the security. I also managed to get into the dressing rooms, where I liberated a bottle of Teachers from some goon on the Sports committee. And a radio. I spent a happy night running round the guildhall, with a bottle of whisky and a walky talky, screaming 'YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE' and 'OSCAR TANGO ONE NINER, PISSHEAD ON THE LOOSE', before eventually being ejected at about 6 AM after finally passing out on one of the dining tables.

Sunday wasn't pleasant to live through, but all in all, I considered the evening a success.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299823#Comment_299823 2011-06-30T11:54:57-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 icelandbob http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250

i only have so much time on my hands as i´m right at work so here are a few titbits that i will expand upon in the next couple of days. (Bear in Mind my Alma Matter is Glasgow University and i used ...

While drunk, the following things have happened to me...

- Attempt to swim the Danube in a viking costume.

- Stole a fruit machine from Edinburgh universtiy.

- Eat an entire Pineapple for a bet.

- Found myself in the southern Spanish city of Jerez at 8.30am in the morning wearing a yellow bathrobe that had on the back in spanish "i am a gay homosexual and i like penises up my bum"

- pass out in a snowdrift during one of the worst snow storm in Shetland's history.

- smash through a skylight window stuntman style after getting stuck on a roof.

- win a hardest man competition by stabbing myself in the arm with a fork.

- Stole Rob Schnieder's sandwiches.

- Drink a whole bottle of baileys in one go

- Stole a policemans outfit in the Czech repbulic

I think there aremore, but which one do people want me to start on first?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299824#Comment_299824 2011-06-30T12:28:25-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 sellmeyoursoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518

Context is key for my moment of glory. It was the summer of my 20th birthday. That year, while I was away at school, my mom moved an hour and a half away from where my nearest friends lived, so it ...

I distinctly recall thinking, "I don't need to drink any more" when I put it down. Then I woke up with a bucket of nasty scum next to my bed. I'm told in the interim I came out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles too drunk to pull them up. I threw up on my sister (poetic justice if you ask me) and my mom came home during all of this. For years, my high school friends couldn't forgive my college friends for leaving in the middle of all that.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299829#Comment_299829 2011-06-30T13:42:31-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 arcaner http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2374

@icelandbob, Czech republic please.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299830#Comment_299830 2011-06-30T14:03:19-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 icelandbob http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250

Ok it's actually a very simple story... I was on a rugby tour of the Czech Republic in 2006 in the city of Brno. We had undertaken some games and were taking part in several massive drinking ...

I was on a rugby tour of the Czech Republic in 2006 in the city of Brno. We had undertaken some games and were taking part in several massive drinking games, and a tour court in a bar that had an old tiled Roman sunken pit in the cellar (known as "The bear Pit"). Example of a tour punishment was to drink 3 pints, 4 doubles, followed by a handstand while singing "simply the best".

Upon leaving the bear pit with the still fresh taste of blood and semen in my mouth, I found that my jacket had been stolen, with my phone inside! Now I would have just blown this off, but to claim the insurance I needed to report it to the police to get a record. I found the local station, where after waiting for nearly 20 minutes, I was greeted with barely concealed contempt by the officer in charge. He said that he would have to "Get a form" whereupon he left me, at the desk for several minutes. Already cheesed off at missing the action back at the pub, I noticed on the table behind the desk, a fleshly laundered Czech policeman’s uniform. Hat and everything!

Now I still don’t know why I did this, but a minute later I’m running down the road with said uniform hoping that I would get away. Which I did. I got back to the pub where after the initial cheers and winning a “Balls of steel” award (more Czech beer), I fretted for the evening sure I was going to be arrested, which I wasn’t thankfully.
Bloody thing couldn’t fit me either.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299834#Comment_299834 2011-06-30T14:36:49-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 lampcommander http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4529

This one didn't happen to me--most of my best drunk stories involve me watching the Transformers animated movie and doing shots when the Autobots transform. Actually, that only happened once in ...

I grew up in the suburbs, in what was roughly an upper-middle-class American family. Many of my friends lived in a suburban neighborhood nearby, that was at least one tax bracket lower. There were more working-class parents, divorced dads and single moms, etc. And obviously, in many cases they learned about life a lot quicker than I did with my hand-me-down Toyota van and my pager.

So in high school, this particular group of friends would spend the weekend drinking at this guy's house, because his mom was cool with it and would buy them beer. What this guy never found out (never!) was that every week when they had these little parties, one of his friends had to finger-bang the mom. That was payment for underage hooch.

You should probably also know that this guy was roughly 6 feet and 300 pounds, and his mom looked just like him.

So one week it's my friend's turn to fingerbang the mom. And in order to steel himself, he gets good and liquored up. He gives the nod to the group, who starts distracting the son, and heads into the darkened bedroom. She takes his hand, pulls him close, and they full-on fuck for an hour. Afterward, she starts snoring and he, now sober, gets to dress and go back out to his friends like nothing has happened. This ends up being one of the last times they have their weekend get-togethers before they graduate and move on to other things.

He still says it was the best head he ever got.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299838#Comment_299838 2011-06-30T15:19:32-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 VertigoJones http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4512

I need to stay out of this thread, so as I can maintain at least a shred of dignity.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299851#Comment_299851 2011-06-30T17:08:12-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075

Drat. I'm the one who, even if I go overboard, I still somehow end up being the one driving friends home asking them to politely refrain from puking inside my car. Best I've got is not wanting to ...

Best I've got is not wanting to stop after a wine tasting so I headed across the street (this in a heavily gay-oriented neighborhood) to a bar, fumbled at the ATM because it was cash only, bought drinks for a pretty girl while she beat the hell out of me at pool (go figure), drunk texted friends about shooting pool and drinking with lesbians (they still tease me about that) and finally stumbled to my car and slept in it till late morning.


So I'm just going to read along... my indignities simply relating to being a rather sedate drinker.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299854#Comment_299854 2011-06-30T17:20:08-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 mister hex http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411

Oh man. No time but I'll be back with a couple of DOOZIES. Carry on ...

Carry on ...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299859#Comment_299859 2011-06-30T18:21:33-07:00 2011-07-04T00:51:39-07:00 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625

My list isn't as long as Bob's, but I've done the following while drunk - Sneaked into Taronga Zoo with friends late at night and almost got bitten by a bear. Climbed the Sydney Harbour ...

Sneaked into Taronga Zoo with friends late at night and almost got bitten by a bear.

Climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge, also late at night.

Fought Russell Crowe in the Greenhouse Tavern carpark - I don't remember a thing but apparently I won, this being the days before he was big-time famous, and thus didn't have an entourage of minders to get him out of trouble.

Constructed a 50-pound smoke bomb from fertiliser and granulated sugar, and set it off in the garden.

Done a runner from a bar when the tab got way out of hand.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299861#Comment_299861 2011-06-30T18:43:00-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Orpheus http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6151

Ok, after deliberation im going to go with two stories. One to cringe to and one to create the feeling that the only way is up. Story the first: Face meets pavement. Aged 18, set at the local ...

Story the first: Face meets pavement.

Aged 18, set at the local rock bar (in Canterbury) where I wait to meet my good friend and I grab a drink, swiftly followed by another. We socialise until the hours dwindle and we set out for the next late night bar, which had pitchers on the cheap and we leave on each others shoulders. Nothing unusual really. On to the late night store for more alcohol where I decide to join an unconscious person on the floor, the fast way. Chin meets pavement and there's blood all over the place. Its the kind of blood you discover on your shirt the day after and think did not belong to you. swiftly forgetting the now sealed gash up my face, I proceed to sweet talk just about anyone coming in the other direction. Enter an extremely bemused me and couple of friends framing the biggest grins you may have ever seen. The morning after a quick clean up lead to the self diagnosis of acute embarrassment.

Story the second: The Leeds Fiasco

Aged 20, after a large meal at a Chinese Restaurant with a large collection of work colleagues we separate between two cars, one headed for the shared house and one headed the indiscriminate York nightclub. Enter night club after 45 minutes drive in a cramped car and three of us start the serous drinking and our designated driver has two alcopops, and a slow steady stream of recreational pills, unknown to me at the time. Come to five rounds in and the idea is circulated that we take this party to Leeds. And we all leave for Leeds at 2:00AM on a Monday morning. We leave the motorway at about 4:00AM and reach “Leeds” also known as the outskirts of Leeds, or the closed bar we were planning to go to. But this area also had the designated drivers boyfriend and we all cram in to the four seater and set off for the centre of Leeds. Come 5:00 AM and I'm the only one surprised that “Gasp! All the clubs are closed!”. And it slowly dawns on me, not unlike a sunrise, in fact that our driver and passenger are both on drugs. We end the story in a Costa drinking a pint of heavily sugared coffee after five hours of the three, now sober of us, sitting in a council flat while the couple just passed out in the bath tub together. Arg.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299869#Comment_299869 2011-06-30T19:51:48-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Morac http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10266

Awesome as these stories are, they really reinforce how boring my life is.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299870#Comment_299870 2011-06-30T20:02:46-07:00 2011-06-30T20:05:54-07:00 ebullientsoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7705

@Orpheus Oh man, Leeds! The night before Thought Bubble 2010 I was out with one of my friends from Manchester, went back to my hotel room (Hotel A) after buying, according to my gmail chat logs, 8 ...

The night before Thought Bubble 2010 I was out with one of my friends from Manchester, went back to my hotel room (Hotel A) after buying, according to my gmail chat logs, 8 POUNDS OF ALCOPOP, SWEETIES AND ALCOPOP, then decide, I've got a map and time to kill, I don't know anyone here, I'll go look for the next hotel (Hotel B) at 10:30 pm. I'm three quarters of a bottle into the alcopop when I leave, figuring the Thought Bubble map will get me to the hotel and back.

SURPRISE SURPISE: I get lost in the industrial part of Leeds, crying at an interstate turnoff because not only have I not found my next hotel, I've forgotten my way back to the hotel I'm actually staying at that night. At this point, I am terrified that members of the Leeds Tracksuit Knife Muggers (local 305) will introduce themselves to me and give up walking on sidewalks, deciding to reorient myself by the city lights. I will find my way back to a main road, by going directly towards the city lights, no matter what is in front of me.

I end up in an Audi dealership, initially overjoyed because it jogs my memory about getting back to the hotel, then absolutely flabbergasted, because I've been listening to a song for eight fucking years about confused and lost in an Audi dealership. I make it back to waterfront on which Hotel A sits with a smile on my face, giddy, feeling like I've just passed behind the panels of a Phonogram b-side.

The next night, well, that's another story...

ADDITIONAL EDIT: Congratulations on getting married, Spurioso!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299891#Comment_299891 2011-06-30T23:29:50-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 RenThing http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=155

@Vertigo Jones Coward. 8p A few years back my friend Rick invited my girlfriend-now-wife and I over to his house to take part in his father's birthday. Rick is Hispanic and, as a Hispanic with ...

Coward. 8p

A few years back my friend Rick invited my girlfriend-now-wife and I over to his house to take part in his father's birthday. Rick is Hispanic and, as a Hispanic with a large amount of family in the local area, doesn't do small parties. Prep for the party apparently began the night before with his father and two uncles beginning the cooking while the cousins went out and got the beer. Vast, vast quantities of beer, along with everything they would be barbecuing the next day including a flock of chickens, enough pork to feed a Samoan village, and some hot dogs for the kids.

We got there around eleven and the party was in full swing; they even had a four-piece mariachi band. It was the third party I've been to over at his place so I know his dad, brother, and a few of the cousins and some of our mutual friends were also in attendance. Rick and his wife lived at his father's house in Tracy which, if you've ever been to California, is in the Central Valley which is very close to Satan's asshole; it's hot, unpleasant, and smells faintly in that way you just don't comment on. We spent the day getting shitty, mostly on beer but there was some scotch thrown in there too for some reason, sitting in the sun, listening to music, and playing cards and dominoes. By the end of the night I've had enough beer that I'm floating on it, along with several tall shots of scotch, and I've been playing dominoes with Rick, his father, and his uncle for the last hour when my girlfriend said it was late and we should probably get going (thankfully, she was driving). So, I stood up to go and, because we were by the door, I said goodnight and thanks to Rick, his uncle, and his father last because the table we'd been playing at was by the door.

It was then, at that point, that Rick's father's hand tightened on mine and he got a very, very serious look on his face.

"You're going to leave...my house...without doing a shot with me?" he asked. He looked at his brother and then back at me and said, "You're going to come to my house, eat my food, and leave and not do a shot with me?"

His uncle started to shake his head mournfully. It should be said that at a different party, that I unfortunately wasn't at, his uncle, apparently, spontaneously produced a pry-bar ala Highlander when a guest of a guest threatened to beat up Rick's thirteen year-old nephew. Said guest was taken outside and spent several hours sitting in his car out of fear of his life until his girlfriend was ready to leave because the uncle, as was told to me by Rick, "had already been in jail and didn't care if he went back after beating that white kid unconscious". These details went through my head as I drunkenly looked him over to see where he might be hiding said pry-bar. I looked at Rick and Rick started mouthing, "Take the shot."

So I said that I wouldn't dream of leaving without taking a shot with his father.

He sent one of his grandkids into the house to get the bottle of tequila. Now, Rick's dad makes frequent trips down to Mexico and brings back tequila you can't buy in the States, probably because having it would constitute a felony in some fashion on account of how much it would fuck you up. He poured four tall shots, one for himself, his uncle, Rick, and myself and, after wishing him a happy birthday, we downed them. Tequila and I have never been friends and, after spending all day under the hot Tracy sun, drinking at least double-digits worth of beers, and several shots of scotch, the tequila hit me like I was a long-lost enemy. Thankfully, I kept it down. I thought I was ok until Rick's dad turned to my girlfriend and said, "What about you?"

With a very shitty gleam in her eye (I still haven't forgiven her), my girlfriend says, "Oh, I'm driving; he'll have it for me."

And so I did another shot.

There were two stops on the way back to San Jose and I woke up in the morning feeling like the mariachi band had used my head alternatively as a punching bag and a chamber pot. I haven't touched tequila since.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299896#Comment_299896 2011-07-01T01:30:40-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 keyofsilence http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7294

I took a bottle of Ouzo to a college party with me once. Me, my girlfriend at the time and her best friend kept pouring double measures into our drinks and needless to say we got hammered very ...

All of this while the friend's boyfriend was downstairs. I didn't feel at all bad for him because he was a complete bell end.

Instead of ruining whatever relationship we had with each other we became even closer and were basically inseparable up until the very end of college when we all had to part ways, and last year me and the friend attended my ex-girlfriend's wedding. That was... weird.

I'd tell you about the time I drank a bottle of Absinthe to myself, but I don't remember a fucking thing about that night. Apparently I got in a fight with a fence and lost.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299897#Comment_299897 2011-07-01T01:33:44-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

My friends, these are magnificent. I demand that you keep them coming. (One thing, and I absolutely don't want to sound like a cockweasel - because this sort of boozy brilliance shouldn't suffer ...

(One thing, and I absolutely don't want to sound like a cockweasel - because this sort of boozy brilliance shouldn't suffer to be constrained - but let's at least *try* to keep them around the 300 word limit, aye?)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299901#Comment_299901 2011-07-01T02:29:20-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 RobSpalding http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=647

I'll start with my first real epically drunkeness, maybe later I'll return with some of more comedy moments. So, it's while I'm still at school, someone's 16th birthday party. I have discovered ...

So, it's while I'm still at school, someone's 16th birthday party. I have discovered cider, like any good English schoolboy, and have decided it will be my drink of choice. I rock up with 2 ten packs of Strongbow stubbies, planning to be generous with my bounty. The party is being held in a hall and all booze goes into the kitchen. When I put my appley-evilness down, I spy some 2 litre bottles of it that someone else has brought. I head off into the dancing clutching my first bottle.
Time goes by, all the stubbies are drunk, by me and others. So I move on to the big bottles, not wanting to miss out I fill a plastic cup, down it, then fill it again to sip while I walk round. Repeat several times.
Next thing I know I'm lying on the floor of the hall, surrounded by big beats and screams looking at this ocean of sick flowing away from me. Someone pulls me up and drags me outside while I mumble incoherent apologies.
I am left on a chair in misery while my Dad is called. Meanwhile some of my "friends" are using me for target practice with their fag butts (this I only found out later.)
The birthday girl's parents prop me on the windowsill outside the hall to wait for my Dad. He arrives, looking very unamused.
"Get in the car."
"Love to. Only, my legs don't work."
So I'm dragged into the car, still very green around the gills.
I’m told to wind the window down in case I feel like being sick, so that I won’t throw up inside the car. Being out of it, I feel having the window down only an inch or two will be fine.
Then the vomit rises, I try to stick my head out of the window only to bounce my noggin off the glass and fill the footwell with sick.
More unimpressed looks from my paternal parent.

That’s the last I actually remember, but I then apparently locked myself in the bathroom and went to sleep, forcing my Dad to unscrew the lock from the outside.
My brother says I kept repeating “I’m sorry” for a straight hour on my arrival home.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299904#Comment_299904 2011-07-01T03:45:30-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Labyrinthine http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5782

I am, alas, a horrible sensible drinker. I alternate with water and everything. I also rarely have enough money to get completely hammered. I do have an unfortunate tendency, begat by my Russian ...

So! I am going with option "people I know"! The aforementioned Russian background makes this fairly easy pickings. (Side note: Did You Know that a movie widely regarded as the Russian equivalent to Love Actually [i.e. romantic comedy everyone watches at christmas] revolves entirely around a drunk man getting put on the wrong airplane by his drunk friends and drunkenly going to the wrong apartment, where he Meets A Girl? True facts.) My family is actually relatively sober, aside from the maternal grandfather who has a tendency to drink lots of vodka at family gatherings and start cornering people to sing Soviet boy scout songs at them. The diaspora is pretty close-knit though, so I bring thee this story of a friend of my mother's. Mum told me about this (with great difficulty as she was pissing herself laughing) last year after coming home from some sort of night out with the girls sort of thing.

So we have a friend of my mother's, whom we shall call Tanya for privacy and also because I can't fucking remember her name, and her husband, who shall be referred to as Vasya. Vasya is some sort of building/civil engineering contractor, who is at the time we begin our story just finishing up a four-month stint in New Zealand. Naturally this calls for some sort of celebration of the alcoholic sort.

All goes well until, on his way out of the pub, Vasya trips and falls down the stairs, knocking himself out. He wakes up hours later in a hospital bed, alone, still fairly maggoted and with a sudden urgent booze-sodden homing instinct. What he does, at this point, is get up out of the bed, tear the fucking IV drip out of his goddamn arm, and proceed to walk right out of the hospital, apparently unmolested, and hail a taxi.

The cab driver appears nonplussed by the drunk Russian man in a hospital gown, presumably because while he hadn't been coordinated enough to get dressed he at least had his wallet with him. Halfway to the airport, Vasya notices the remains of the IV still embedded in his vein and decides to dig it out, causing him to bleed slightly a little bit all over the backseat of the taxi, as well as, you know, himself.

Somehow, the airport officials let him onto his flight, where he passes out for a few hours.

He shows up at his wife's door after four months away, reeking of booze and wearing a hospital gown covered in blood.

And Tanya, and I am directly quoting my mother here, Tanya describes all this, rolls her eyes and says: "Men!"]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299908#Comment_299908 2011-07-01T04:15:28-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 sneak046 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4574

Too many. Highlights from: An entire lost weekend in liverpool. The time when my friends and I taunted an angry gentleman so hard he tried to reverse his car at speed into the group of us, ...

An entire lost weekend in liverpool.

The time when my friends and I taunted an angry gentleman so hard he tried to reverse his car at speed into the group of us, missing the group entirely and taking out a wall with the back end of his car - looked like a write-off to me...

Forgetting where I parked my car and having to find it in the morning before work used to happen a couple of times a year.

Falling off my bike and faceplanting while trying a jump on my mountain bike while pissed. Best. Trick. Ever.

Many drunken 'parkour' adventures - incl climbing nearly 4m up the front of a cambridge theatre. Nearly broke my ankle jumping down.

Those are the ones I feel comfortable re-telling due to legal or moral reasons.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299912#Comment_299912 2011-07-01T04:24:14-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

I wish I could think of some; I tend to brown out when I've got my drinking shoes on. Awesome stuff has happened, make no mistake.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299918#Comment_299918 2011-07-01T04:49:14-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

"Brown out", in a drinking story context, is perhaps not the best use of unambiguous terminology.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299919#Comment_299919 2011-07-01T05:00:26-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

No, see, it's like a blackout, but not as severe because you remember bits and pieces. Although the last time I went to New York, after between fifteen and twenty drinks, my thought process upon ...

Although the last time I went to New York, after between fifteen and twenty drinks, my thought process upon waking went thus: "Uggggh, I'm dying. It was well worth it, though--man, what a great time. How much did I have to drink? Am I about to shit this bed? I think...Yes. I am about to shit this bed. RED ALERT, ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS, TAKE US TO THE BATHROOM"

I made it, but barely.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299921#Comment_299921 2011-07-01T05:00:48-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 curb http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1334

@Renthing I feel your pain, man. Tequila once cost me a matress. PRO TIP: Don't use it as a chaser to Guiness.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299925#Comment_299925 2011-07-01T05:34:51-07:00 2011-07-01T05:35:04-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

I don't remember how I got to the bar in the middle of Boystown, Chicago. I do seem to recall it happening after about half a bucket of Long Island Ice Tea. I do remember some kind individual ...

I do remember some kind individual saying to me "loosen up, sweetie, you're dancing like a straight guy!"

I have no idea where my old wallet is, now. I miss it, at times.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299947#Comment_299947 2011-07-01T07:45:05-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 sellmeyoursoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518

So it occurred to me that I never even considered saying congratulations to our overlord in waiting for his impending nuptials. Apparently ebullentsoul is a better man than I (not much of an ...

I could tell the story of how I got engaged. I wasn't drunk, but in retrospect I was on a lot of percocet. I will refrain though, because nothing about it paints me in a positive light.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299968#Comment_299968 2011-07-01T11:09:14-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 lampcommander http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4529

This thread is great and has me tittering like a schoolgirl.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299980#Comment_299980 2011-07-01T12:37:11-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485

I'm not sure if repeat entries are allowed, but screw it, this is, to me, a beautiful story not a wreckage one... Back in the 90s when I'd just started working in London, I went out drinking for ...

Back in the 90s when I'd just started working in London, I went out drinking for a colleague's birthday. I fell asleep on the last train, and ended up in Poole, about 50 miles away from home, bleary, cold, with no money and no way to get home. My fellow castaways were a man who was so fazed by the whole thing that all he could do was scream 'FUUUUUCCKKKKKKK' repeatedly into the uncaring night, and a strange looking guy in his 50s with a bunch of cases. Mr Fuck was a lost cause, so I struck up conversation with the other guy. He turned out to be an itinerant musician who'd missed his ferry to France and had taken refuge in the station. He also had several litres of cider, which we began to drink, from coffee cups we found in the bin. We talked all night, about music, politics and new beginnings. He had fascinating stories to tell about his life and family. I felt interested, engaged, and alive, despite my exhaustion and all the booze. At some points, we warmed up in a taxi whose driver took pity on us between jobs. Eventually we got too cold and went halves on a taxi back to his bedsit, where we talked and drank more, and played and sang songs on an old, beaten up Spanish guitar. He sang me Bird on a Wire, played beautifully, and sung in a high, cracked voice. In the morning, I staggered to the nearest station and came home. We didn't stay in touch, sadly, and I regret it - although he could have turned out to be a total wanker...

A coda to the story... about three years later, in the midst of a horrific depression, I suddenly had a burning desire to hear Bird on a Wire again. I hadn't heard it since that night. I bought a CD, went back to my room and put it on. The first line of the song literally cut my legs out from under me, my muscles just went and I fell to the floor and cried for an hour - one of the most cathartic moments I've ever had.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=299989#Comment_299989 2011-07-01T14:12:29-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 muse hick http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=483

i went out drinking with my friends from the call centre and the person that i was supposed to stay with disappeared from the club before the night had finished leaving me with no place to stay and ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300009#Comment_300009 2011-07-01T17:16:17-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 mybrainhurts http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1584

This is nothing on the level of some of these pieces. Got very drunk very early at a teenage party camping in the woods. Woke up a couple hours later still pretty drunk. Everyone decided to get ...

Got very drunk very early at a teenage party camping in the woods. Woke up a couple hours later still pretty drunk. Everyone decided to get naked and walk to the nearest road. Then when we got there we decided to walk to the nearest main road. Then there we decided to walk up a hill and then run down another one running over cars. My friend tripped over a spoiler and gashed his knee open. Then we got to a roundabout about where we had the choice of walking into town or going back to the campsite. We chose walking into town. By the time we were in town it was getting pretty light so we had to come up with an idea of how to get back to our site unseen. Fortunately, that was solved for us by a passing police car and two weary coppers who we managed to half-convince that we were the victims of a malicious prank against us and had only been outside naked for a couple minutes rather than the hour or so we'd been wandering about committing petty vandalism in the buff and they gave us a lift back to a field, the nearest place to where we were camping that we were willing to admit to staying in case they later decided to do us and come looking for us. One final mad naked dash across a field and another main road and we were home and dry. Avoided the centre of town for another six months. I knew a guy who worked at a shop on the main drag who said the CCTV from outside it was hilarious and got shared between people for ages.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300020#Comment_300020 2011-07-01T18:44:05-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Purple Wyrm http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6726

This story can't even begin to compare to the other tales here, but it's a treasured memory among my group of friends and the only thing I can contribute to this thread, being a heretic who swore off ...

It was in the aftermath of a friend's 21st birthday party. I hadn't been drinking but a mate of mine, Ryan, had been sucking down everything he could get his hands on for hours. Earlier in the night I'd had to follow him when he wandered out into the street because I was seriously worried that he'd fall into a nearby lake and never resurface.

By the time we were heading home he'd drunk himself into a sort of trance-like state where you could prop him up in a corner and he'd just sit there quietly grinning, only sparking up into action now and then to ask for more booze. Which was great because it made it really easy for my other mate Justin and I to bundle him into the back of Justin's car and strap him in. I took the passenger seat (not wanting to be anywhere near Ryan in case his stomach decided to void itself) and we set off along the deserted early morning streets, discussing just how sick he was going to be the next morning.

Suddenly he sparked into life "Guys! Guy! This is really important! Guys! Guys! Listen to me! Guys! This is really important! Guys!". We halted our conversation and turned in our seats to hear what he had to say.

"This is really important guys! ... Dada-DA-da-da-DA! Da-DA! Da-da-DA! Dada-DA-da-da-DA!"

My Sharona had just come on the radio.

We pissed ourselves so hard we nearly shot off the road into someone's house.

Ryan spent the next two days curled into a fetal ball in his bed groaning for someone to kill him. To this day he maintains that he would have been perfectly fine if he hadn't mixed beer and spirits. We never found out what was so important :)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300042#Comment_300042 2011-07-01T22:25:13-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 RenThing http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=155

@curb My god, man, were you full of self-loathing and wished to punish yourself? The only worse combination I could think of would be tequila with Irish Creme chasers. Makes me sick just thinking ...

My god, man, were you full of self-loathing and wished to punish yourself? The only worse combination I could think of would be tequila with Irish Creme chasers. Makes me sick just thinking of it.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300057#Comment_300057 2011-07-02T03:51:01-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 kozmund http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=547

I apologize if this seems weak in comparison. Living in Michigan, I met a fellow who had moved from London about 6 months before. We became friends, our wives' became friends, and eventually I took ...

Long story short, I learned a valuable cultural lesson. At certain types of shows in the US, it's assumed that you can lightly push someone as a way of showing displeasure, even if they're getting out of your way. Certainly, it might start a fight eventually, but there will be words or more shoves first. In London, I'm told, "if some cunt touches you, that means it's right fucking on."

I miss that mad shit. And that's not even getting into the "what happens when you say 'cunt' in America" story.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300058#Comment_300058 2011-07-02T03:52:48-07:00 2011-07-02T07:31:41-07:00 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6088

My first drinking story may not be my most outrageous, but it's one of my favorites. New Year's Eve, mid-eighties, I'm maybe 7 or 8 years old (I can't remember exactly, as most of this story was ...

New Year's Eve, mid-eighties, I'm maybe 7 or 8 years old (I can't remember exactly, as most of this story was re-told to me by my parents) and my folks are throwing a little party with a few of their friends. I'm allowed to stay up as long as I want, and I'm drinking sparkling grape juice. Somewhere around 9 or 10pm, I crash and get tucked into bed.

The next morning, my parents wake up, and find me in the living room passed out in my own purple vomit.

Apparently, I had woken up sometime after the party, and everyone had left, and I had gone around finishing everyone's half full glasses of champagne, stumbled around the house, and eventually threw up into the carpet and passed out.

I was a 8 year old (ish) little rock star that year.

EDIT: I think my best tales are in the worst roomie/embarrassing stories threads...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300060#Comment_300060 2011-07-02T04:54:05-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 curb http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1334

@Renthing The only defense I have is that I was 16 and foolish! Very, very foolish.

The only defense I have is that I was 16 and foolish! Very, very foolish.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300065#Comment_300065 2011-07-02T06:40:24-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Finagle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5254

Most of my drinking stories just involve getting shitfaced on the computer and yelling at people. However, I was a bit more ambulatory early in my career. I went to a small liberal arts college, ...

I went to a small liberal arts college, and the summers were dead. Only a few hardy souls stuck it out for the summer, and those of us who did tended to cling to each other for safety. One of these was my Serbian lesbian friend, Nada. We were both spending the summer working at nursing homes, so we'd get together and drink, and as you can imagine, being poor and bored and drunk in a small college town, sexual orientation tended to go out the window once in a while. This however, is not the point of the story.

Sometime in July, Nada's uncle showed up, freshly on "leave" from the army. I say "leave," because he had more or less absconded from duty. The fellow worked in ordinance disposal, you see, and had recently had a grapefruit-sized hole blown out of his calf by a bad grenade on the training ground. When the government put him in the hospital for it, he waited until he was healed up enough, grabbed a copy of his original X-rays, and took off, knowing that the Army would try to screw him out of his compensation.

When he showed up, he had a backpack. The contents of the backpack were: 1 spare pair of jeans, two t-shirts, two pairs of underwear and socks, and a lockbox with a loaded 9mm and about $5K in cash. And a bottle of Yukon Jack.

If you aren't familiar with Yukon Jack, you should know that it is a high-proof "whiskey" primarily used for making "snakebites", a drink which serves mainly to kill the taste of the Yukon Jack with lime juice. Nothing terribly exciting happened, except that Nada's uncle taught us how to get sick on snakebites, and apparently he also had no hesitation at grabbing my drunk ass, dragging me to the toilet, and sticking his fingers down my throat to induce vomiting.

Never saw the fellow again. I do wonder what happened to him.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300105#Comment_300105 2011-07-02T11:21:35-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 RobSpalding http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=647

Something minor here, but as it was last night I thought I'd share. Went to the local for a few. As usual no-one I know was there. So I ended up in a heated, long, discussion with the bloke ...

Went to the local for a few. As usual no-one I know was there.
So I ended up in a heated, long, discussion with the bloke behind the bar as to why it was un-bloody-likely that aliens helped build the pyramids.
He was the first guy I ever met who actually claims to have seen aliens - or, as he put it "Orange orbs floating across the field from the pub and when I went to film them, they faded away."]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300171#Comment_300171 2011-07-02T20:04:16-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Orpheus http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6151

@Finagle Im guessing that was to stop you getting poisoned? Also this side of the pond a Snakebite is half lager/half cider with optional blackcurrent and memory blotting. I feel the need to share ...

I feel the need to share again, for some reason...

The Magic Tenner

Age [Redacted For Legal Reasons], sometime in early summer and i had the house to myself. Ofcourse, i was the guy with the big house so i sent out a few invites and got a few more to turn up. It was commonplace to put on loud music, play silly drinking games and the now lost art of hide and seek in the dark. I may touch on this later, but this night was about drinking games. The party had migrated to the top of the house, my bedroom, and we had broken well into the 'Magic Tenner' also known as cheap ass Rum and two bottles of cider. Drinking games ensued, the dominant one being 'Strip Never Have I Ever' (Read: the 'Never Have I Ever' drinking game). The party winds down and my parents arrive back, and my mum pokes her head in the door to see a handful of fulley clothed friends, me wearing a sombrero in an unconventional manner, and did NOT see the girl covering herself with my old dressing gown. Its been YEARS and my friends STILL find some leverage in just dropping the word sombrero.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300258#Comment_300258 2011-07-03T09:56:52-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 KPatrickGlover http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1471

Got a couple of good tales, but that statute of limitations hasn't run out yet. Sorry.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300293#Comment_300293 2011-07-03T13:38:07-07:00 2011-07-03T13:40:49-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

If God had meant for us to be silenced by incriminating personal guilt, he wouldn't have invented the third-person-perspective. Repeat after me: "Once there was this guy, who..."

Repeat after me: "Once there was this guy, who..."]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300296#Comment_300296 2011-07-03T13:46:35-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 mybrainhurts http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1584

Best one I've witnessed: Friend of mine in a terrible club that was making a half-hearted attempt to look classy. One of the ways it tried this was by buying matte black toilets. Except it was a ...

Friend of mine in a terrible club that was making a half-hearted attempt to look classy. One of the ways it tried this was by buying matte black toilets. Except it was a half-hearted attempt so at least one of these black toilet bowls had your standard white plastic toilet seat on it. The friend in question was fucked up on lots of booze and a few pills, decided he needed to go for a shit. Mid-defecation, he looked down between his legs and saw only a black void into which his penis was dangling. Momentarily convinced that a bottomless pit or some portal to an evil dimension had opened beneath him he screamed at the top of his voice, lept up and at the door smashing his forehead into the coat hanger on the inside of it. Completely traumatised the freshen-up guy by eventually smashing his way out of the cubicle with his face covered in blood, trousers round his ankles, shit running down his legs, writhing around on the floor howling about how the toilet wanted to eat him.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300299#Comment_300299 2011-07-03T13:52:12-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485

Drinking lesson, often ignored in the white heat of the moment. a) When about to vomit, indeed, when vomiting, applying the a hand over one's mouth is NOT an effective way of containing the ...

a) When about to vomit, indeed, when vomiting, applying the a hand over one's mouth is NOT an effective way of containing the vomit. Indeed, it only serves to divert it at higher pressure, sideways.

b) This lesson is best not learned when running through a crowded train.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300341#Comment_300341 2011-07-03T21:34:28-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

Me: I'm going for a piss. My good friend Misha: Okay. Don't fall in. *two minutes pass* Me: *still in the bathroom* Misha! I will be needing another screwdriver! Misha: Ha! *another ...

My good friend Misha: Okay. Don't fall in.

*two minutes pass*

Me: *still in the bathroom* Misha! I will be needing another screwdriver!

Misha: Ha!

*another minute passes* (it was a long piss).

Me: Hey, new screwdriver. EXCELLENT.

Misha: No, wait, Alan, don't do that, not all at once-

Me: *coughing terribly* What the Jesus... what cheapass vodka did you make this with, Misha?

Misha: ...

Me: Misha... what did you DO.

Misha: We ran out of vodka while you were in the bathroom.

Me: So... wait, what did you use to make my-

Misha: Skittle-grain.

Me: ...the fuck is-

Misha: You take Golden Grain, pour a bag of skittles into it, and let the sugars ferment over the course of about two weeks. It's... toxic. And you just chugged a glass of it.

Me: Oh. Oh no.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300343#Comment_300343 2011-07-03T21:37:27-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 scs http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7988

First a quickie: I was helping host a joint CD release party. My buddy Smac, whose official drink of choice was Mountain Dew, was releasing his third or fourth CD. The same publisher was releasing ...

I was helping host a joint CD release party. My buddy Smac, whose official drink of choice was Mountain Dew, was releasing his third or fourth CD. The same publisher was releasing a CD of songs by and about the group I hang with, whose official drink (now deprecated) was Tullamore Dew (a cheap Irish whiskey, for those of you who've not been exposed).

A joint drink seemed to be required for the evening. Thus was born the Dew Dew. Never was a drink more aptly named.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300346#Comment_300346 2011-07-03T21:57:27-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 scs http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7988

Now the long one: My second to last semester of college was hell. Incredibly hard, got sick *twice* and had to beg indulgences from the Dean each time. Thank God the second time he'd come down ...

My second to last semester of college was hell. Incredibly hard, got sick *twice* and had to beg indulgences from the Dean each time. Thank God the second time he'd come down with the same thing and missed two weeks. It make him more sympathetic.

Anyway, the semester comes to an end and my buddy Chris decided I needed to decompress. We hit a lot of bars and drank a lot. A lot. The last thing I remember was sitting at the bar somewhere and ordering a round of shots, then finding out I was broke. "No prob," says the bartender, "given what you spent tonight, this round's on the house." I remember lifting the glass, but don't remember it reaching my lips.

The next morning I wake up in my own bed in my own apartment. I'm in my winter pyjamas, and am neither suspiciously clean nor filthy with vomit. On the other hand, I do feel a sudden urge and head for the bathroom. There I find the toilet duct-taped shut and a little sign in my wife's handwriting. Dd I mention we were newly married? and she considered Chris a bit of a bad influence? Maybe it was his randy toast at the wedding. But I digress. I read the sign, which says "Toilet out of order (your fault). Go to condo office and get plunger."

Winter PJs were a clue. There was about 8 inches of fresh snow on the stoop, and the condo office was a half-mile away. Nobody had plowed yet. Walked the walk. Got plunger, walked back, untaped toilet: best left to your imagination. Cleared the toilet. Used the toilet. Cleared it again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually got some water and aspirins to stay down, decided toilet was healthy, and returned the plunger to the condo office. Still not plowed.

On the way back,looked at one of the snowy lumps I'd kicked off the stoop. It was my new hat. The last shot was still in it, as were a number of others. All frozen solid. Well, slushy. Decided it was beyond repair and buried it with honors in the dumpster at the end of the street. For good measure, the gloves I'd carried it with went in too.

I still miss that hat. Did manage to keep both the wife and Chris, tho, so on the whole it's good.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300377#Comment_300377 2011-07-04T06:13:34-07:00 2011-07-04T06:14:09-07:00 Flabyo http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306

My most extreme drinking days are long since past now, I've developed a good sense of when to stop adding alcohol to my system, but I do have one moment of madness that people like to remind me ...

It's about 10 years ago, and I'd been out in London with a whole bunch of uni friends. This is before I actually lived down here in the South of England, so I didn't know the place all that well. We'd been drinking in some hidden basement bar for ex-patriot Norwegians (friends girlfriend being one) somewhere near King's Cross, and that included some very strong red ale and some equally strong blue cocktails. Whilst trying to find a cab back to a friends flat at the bottom of the Isle of Dogs, I get seperated from them because I've stopped to deposit most of the cocktails and beer into a bin. I get out my mobile thinking to just ring them and find out how to get back to them, and it's got no charge.

Now, sensible logic here would've been to use my own money to get my own cab to their place. But instead I decided to walk back to their place. From somewhere near Trafalgar Square. My wonderful tactic at first being to find the river and then follow that all the way. Which is basically impossible as the public footpath is actually on the south bank. Somewhere around Tower Bridge I realise that this probably isn't going to work.

The tactic then evolved into something even dimmer than that when I realised that this is the Saturday evening before the London marathon, and they're laying out the course at this point. Knowing that it goes past their flat, I decide I'll just follow the route of the course back to their place. So off I go, walking the bulk of the marathon route in the early hours of Sunday morning hoping that I'll recognise their place when I get near it, and getting an awful lot of odd looks from the poor bastards putting up all the crowd fencing. You look at the map of that course and you'll see it crosses over itself in a few places, which added hours to the walk...

5am I roll in. They're on the verge of calling the police and reporting me missing. (and the reason I can remember this is I'm one of those poor bastards cursed with perfect recall of the things they do whilst drunk)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300589#Comment_300589 2011-07-05T12:16:14-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 glukkake http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1693

Yesterday was the whole Independence Day thing, where we celebrate being American by gorging ourselves on BBQ, smoking like a chimney and running around drunk while setting off fireworks. I did my ...

I did my country proud and did ALL of these things.

We covered one backyard, 1 mile of Bushwick that had fireworks launching on every block that we had to dodge (people were seriously shooting them at cars & buildings), 2 rooftops and ended the night at a steampunk-blues bar. Also got a lovely war wound from launching myself chin first onto the rooftop structure we climbed to see the fireworks better going off all over the entirety of Brooklyn & Queens. I was like a most ungraceful walrus.
Other casualties were breaking the strap to my dress when I got into bed somehow and that my knee looks like it's from Akira due to the 10000 mosquito bites I obtained in my friend's backyard that I swell horribly from.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300896#Comment_300896 2011-07-07T06:25:02-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 bjacques http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2157

I'm reading these at work--thank JHVH-1 both bosses are out--reading @mybrainhurts's story I had to fake a coughing fit. Not much in the way of booze stories. Once I tried to invent a colorful ...

Not much in the way of booze stories. Once I tried to invent a colorful drink á là Mexican Flag, Tequila Sunrise, etc. It was cheap absinthe, Blue Curaçao and Grenadine, and I figured their respective alcoholic contents would make them separate into green, blue and red; i.e., a video test pattern. It looked and tasted like a television set tuned to a dead channel.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300913#Comment_300913 2011-07-07T08:21:57-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 taphead http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2284

I dub that drink The Chatsubo.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300978#Comment_300978 2011-07-07T18:23:24-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

Seconded.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=300984#Comment_300984 2011-07-07T18:43:00-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 Luke http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=193

One incredibly pissed day and night ended with friends in a nightclub. I'd was holding a glowstick between my teeth to maximize limb freedom (for Bez-grade flaildancing) when several of my drinks ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=9983&Focus=301028#Comment_301028 2011-07-08T06:00:09-07:00 2013-05-23T17:49:45-07:00 bjacques http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2157

I believe completely that Sangamon Taylor's Law Applies to drinks as well.